In over my head?

[Lostgirl17]

Okay so I'm not really sure who to turn to or to talk to so, I'm going to turn to you guys in stead for some advice.

 

Basically, I studied abroad in a Japan for one year. (I am in advanced Japanese and he speaks English a bit so a language barrier isn't really a problem!)

I met a guy and we feel hard for each other. In Japanese there is a confession process were you say you like each other than you start dating? Usually, someone asks will you date me as well but that didn't happen for me. We confessed but there was no serious committment in my mind and we had an undefined intimate relationship.

 

When we met, I was 21 and he was 25 and he is turning 26 this month. We would hang out a lot but it was always hard to see him since he already graduated from university and I am still attending. He originally said we were going to take things slow and that he wants a girlfriend and will wait for me?

 

Anyways, we had a couple of rough patches the year that I was there. I am kind of a three strike person, and if you mess up three times you are out of my life. And that's what he did. We spent his birthday together for example but he never called me or saw me on mine when he promised. He often would never keep any promises to me. Don't get me wrong, he is the most open minded, kind and calm person I have ever met. He drives me crazy and keeps me grounded at the same time.

 

Further, another issue we have is that I would always give him cards, make him things etc. he never did anything like that for me. It was hard enough for him to call or see me. I don't care about him spending money on me but at least a letter or card right? I asked him so many times to do and he would never do.

But, I have talked with his family so many times and they adore me so his family accepting me is NOT a problem. (I just want to throw that out here just in case since I know many relationships like this have family acceptance issues).

 

Okay so I moved back to my home country to further school. He knew I was moving back to Japan this summer (which is still happening!) and that I don't think is an issue. Basically, I couldn't do it anymore and he had his "third" strike. (More like 5th but I am very understanding). I sent him messages and talk to him about how this is over (whatever we are etc) and I explained it and stop contacting him. This whole point up until I stop talking to him I never thought I loved him or wanted anything to serious. I was totally fine. Then, during these 2 months I realized I was in love.

 

Long story short, I contacted him and we decided to try again but be friends. We both want something different for our future, I want to get married and children and he doesn't. Also I'm not sure how long but he was in another relationship with a Japanese woman with a child after I left. He came to me about it since we are still best friends and we are always open and honest to each other.

 

No matter what we put each other through, we trust each other so deeply. Shared so many secrets and I know him so well.

 

Then things have become so weird. He keeps asking if I want to meet him in Japan and have serious talks. We both have flirted so heavily and we even admitted we still have feelings for each other. But recently, I can't figure out what I want and I feel like I can't be with him since we both want so many different things. But I think I love him. I love and miss him so much. His birthday is coming up and I wanted to call/make a video for him but he has been slowly doing MIA on me and now we haven't talked in over 10 days. The only messages he sent are, I'm busy. And I'm sick.

What should I do? I just really need someone to talk to this about. Sorry this was so long, I thought this information was important!!

 

I can answer more questions and give more info if needed. Thank you all!

[Els]

I think you should actually go no contact with him and block him. Honestly... I know this advice is cliche and over-used but in your case it is VERY apt. He wasn't a good boyfriend and he doesn't sound like a good friend. What are you keeping him around for?

[Lostgirl17]

Dear Elswyth,

Thank you so much for the reply! To be honest, that is exactly what I had originally thought/ tried to do. But it didn't end well for me. Of course, maybe I didn't "try" hard enough in some people's minds which I understand. This might sound super cliche but I'm keeping him around because I can't let go. He and I just get each other. It's so hard and difficult to explain but we can be in complete silence and just read each other's minds. I have never had a connection and closeness to a person like this in my life and I just don't know what to think. He isn't a bad person. I know my post might make him out to seem like one but he isn't. We just see differently on some things and haven't had any clear communication in a while.

 

I really just need to figure out what do or say to him about all of this (without sounding dramatic or crazy you know!) I want to be an adult in this situation and be mature. I just don't know what to do or say for now since he's being so MIA (I know him so well. Something is up). The last time I was super immature and blocked him without even letting him give his say in the issues. When we decided to talk again that was something he touched on.

 

This relationship (whatever it is) is very important to me and I'm just not sure if we can just be friends...

[stillafool]

He doesn't seem to make any effort to be a bf to you but you are going above and beyond for him. He is not your best friend. I too think you should go NC and block him to give yourself a chance to get over this. It doesn't sound like he wants you.

[Whodatdog]

As long as you stay involved with him, you will never be emotionally open enough to find a man who is on the same page as you are as far as getting married and having children. You really need to go NC.

[NTV]

There are other better fish in the sea who can get you just as easy.

 

You might have developed feelings for him but he doesn't apparently feel the same way.

[smackie9]

You are in denial...you keep that hope that you must be together forever, only based on flirtation and serious talks.....actions speak louder than words.....you are still stuck and going nowhere. You need to cut the cord and see what you have truly been missing out on.