Tired of failing

[waiting_game]

I am feeling so low after my recent break up. My previous 2 long term relationships i got over relatively quickly as i knew something wasnt right but this one has really shaken me. Im intp my 3rd month of being single and i actually hate it.

 

I used to love single life, it gave me a chance to go out again more with friends, etc but now im approaching my 34th birthday and just feel so low that i cant do the single life anymore. I know people say 'go to a gym' ive been nearly everyday since the break up and i dont feel any better, 'keep busy' im constantly busy but the 1 moment i stop its torture, 'focus on the fun you can have being single 'been there done that and couldn't think of anything worse than doing it again. Im just fed up, we was talking children etc and never had a major argument we just bickered. I actually cannot believe she left me in what looked such an easy fashion. I know shes 26 so will find it easier to cope as a lot of her friends go out but its more the fact that i dont want to rather than i cant. Miss having someone to spend a weekend with, someone to book a holiday with because im not tge type to go alone, someone to make me feel like the future is going somewhere good. We had a house, pets, talking children, 2 cars and now im living out of a friends bedroom, struggling to wake up. My day consists of forcing myself waking up, go to work, then to gym, then bed. I actually hate being single. I suppose i dont need advice i just needed to rant. Id love children, family life etc and i am now AGAIN no nearer to achieving it than i was 8 year ago and whats harder now is i dont want to date or talk to anyone else, id love my ex to say she wants me and i know thats pathetic but i actually cant think of anything worse than going at it a 4th time because to me she was perfect unlike my other exes.

 

The worst part is i was so confident but now i feel like something must be wrong with me if i cant even make this work when my mates have it without even trying. The things they come out with and how lazy they sound yet their partners dont leave. I give everything my trust, heart, caring, never question them, give loads in the bedroom, cook dinners, take them out, never cheated once on anyone and... it ends.

Edited April 5, 2017 by waiting_game

[d0nnivain]

You are doing most of the right things -- gym, keeping busy etc. Age is a factor. You still see possibilities at 24. By 34 you had been thinking about stability / settling down not being fancy free. One factor I see is your environment. What are you doing to get your own apartment? Your friend is great for giving you a place for 3 months, but the friend's welcome mat is probably beginning to wear out. You will feel more settled, more adult & more confident when you have your own space again. Happy house hunting.

[Hoosfoos]

I'm 46. I'd do anything to get those 12 years back and do it right.

[Fair]

Three months of singledom isn't very long. Try 5 years ...

 

It always feels like the end of the world after a break up if you actually cared for the person. It's not, but there's no quick fix. You'll just have to feel like crap until you don't...

 

And 34 is very young. You've got time. In fact, when you hit 40 you'll realize even THAT is still young despite how the world tries to tell you your life will be over by then. No need to feel desperate, though it's normal to feel that way after a split. It must be part of the grieving process.

 

I can't help but wonder, though, why you're living in a bedroom after your split. Why did it leave you in these circumstances, or were these the same circumstances she found you in? You can give all the affection you want, but if people think they're going to have to carry you financially, yes, they'll walk eventually.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Fair

[sorano]

You have to learn to be happy on your own. That's very important. That does not mean you have to stay single for the rest of your life. But, you must be content when you are alone.

[BryanSmiley]

I am feeling so low after my recent break up. My previous 2 long term relationships i got over relatively quickly as i knew something wasnt right but this one has really shaken me. Im intp my 3rd month of being single and i actually hate it.

 

I used to love single life, it gave me a chance to go out again more with friends, etc but now im approaching my 34th birthday and just feel so low that i cant do the single life anymore. I know people say 'go to a gym' ive been nearly everyday since the break up and i dont feel any better, 'keep busy' im constantly busy but the 1 moment i stop its torture, 'focus on the fun you can have being single 'been there done that and couldn't think of anything worse than doing it again. Im just fed up, we was talking children etc and never had a major argument we just bickered. I actually cannot believe she left me in what looked such an easy fashion. I know shes 26 so will find it easier to cope as a lot of her friends go out but its more the fact that i dont want to rather than i cant. Miss having someone to spend a weekend with, someone to book a holiday with because im not tge type to go alone, someone to make me feel like the future is going somewhere good. We had a house, pets, talking children, 2 cars and now im living out of a friends bedroom, struggling to wake up. My day consists of forcing myself waking up, go to work, then to gym, then bed. I actually hate being single. I suppose i dont need advice i just needed to rant. Id love children, family life etc and i am now AGAIN no nearer to achieving it than i was 8 year ago and whats harder now is i dont want to date or talk to anyone else, id love my ex to say she wants me and i know thats pathetic but i actually cant think of anything worse than going at it a 4th time because to me she was perfect unlike my other exes.

 

The worst part is i was so confident but now i feel like something must be wrong with me if i cant even make this work when my mates have it without even trying. The things they come out with and how lazy they sound yet their partners dont leave. I give everything my trust, heart, caring, never question them, give loads in the bedroom, cook dinners, take them out, never cheated once on anyone and... it ends.

 

I'm in a similar position mate and let me say I think your handling it pretty well all considered. To have lived with her and it be so much longer than mine, give yourself some credit how you are handling it. Mine was only 5 months or so but I have to work with her so it feels like I just can't get away from her or the bad vybe it's dropped in my living/working area. She's the only one I've been intimate with in what is my first new house. If I'm not reminded at work and see her, then there's recent newly created memories in each of my rooms at home, where I envisioned a real future. So on the plus side I know it may suck being at your friends in those digs, but a 3 bedroom house alone isn't great either. My dad stayed in the family home when my mother left and it haunted him. You have friends to lean on in a different environment at least - small plus points but it's something.

 

I do but do worry that these coming years single social life may be even trickier with people coupling up. I'm also coming up-to 34 (she's 27) so there's similarities there as-well. I most certainly have the same sense as for feeling disillusioned not being settled in a relationship at this point when most friends are. And like you don't have quite the same appetite for single life, going out etc. I mean I do, I am tonight, I have a date tomorrow. But it's all a bit of a head f**k. It's a tricky time and if it's any consolation I completely relate being in a similar boat. Only other suggestions are try to wrap yourself up a in a comedy, series, topic, book that will take your mind of it too, and start to slowly build some motivation back. You are far from alone, remember that. One day you will look back have a wry smile about how consumed you were by it all. That's what I tell myself anyway.

Edited April 7, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[Bromeo]

I am feeling so low after my recent break up. My previous 2 long term relationships i got over relatively quickly as i knew something wasnt right but this one has really shaken me. Im intp my 3rd month of being single and i actually hate it.

 

I used to love single life, it gave me a chance to go out again more with friends, etc but now im approaching my 34th birthday and just feel so low that i cant do the single life anymore. I know people say 'go to a gym' ive been nearly everyday since the break up and i dont feel any better, 'keep busy' im constantly busy but the 1 moment i stop its torture, 'focus on the fun you can have being single 'been there done that and couldn't think of anything worse than doing it again. Im just fed up, we was talking children etc and never had a major argument we just bickered. I actually cannot believe she left me in what looked such an easy fashion. I know shes 26 so will find it easier to cope as a lot of her friends go out but its more the fact that i dont want to rather than i cant. Miss having someone to spend a weekend with, someone to book a holiday with because im not tge type to go alone, someone to make me feel like the future is going somewhere good. We had a house, pets, talking children, 2 cars and now im living out of a friends bedroom, struggling to wake up. My day consists of forcing myself waking up, go to work, then to gym, then bed. I actually hate being single. I suppose i dont need advice i just needed to rant. Id love children, family life etc and i am now AGAIN no nearer to achieving it than i was 8 year ago and whats harder now is i dont want to date or talk to anyone else, id love my ex to say she wants me and i know thats pathetic but i actually cant think of anything worse than going at it a 4th time because to me she was perfect unlike my other exes.

 

The worst part is i was so confident but now i feel like something must be wrong with me if i cant even make this work when my mates have it without even trying. The things they come out with and how lazy they sound yet their partners dont leave. I give everything my trust, heart, caring, never question them, give loads in the bedroom, cook dinners, take them out, never cheated once on anyone and... it ends.

 

 

Something that I have learned is that while I can somewhat direct my career and education, with my relationships I have to go with the flow of things.

 

I'm 38 and divorced. I've had single periods in my life, usually not by my choosing. Those periods were nice, along with the periods of stability with one partner. The stable periods ended, and I'm back to being single.

 

The anguish you feel about not being married, childless, etc, is pain you put on yourself.

 

After my last breakup, I studied, read, and learned about myself.

 

The key is being a good partner, while being detached enough to be able to walk away when you aren't getting your needs met.

 

"She" isn't doing this, or "she" doesn't appreciate that, etc. This is you externally validating yourself.

 

True happiness is contentment from within. I'm more at peace now than I have been in years, due to letting go.

 

My last ex chose not to be with me. There will be another one. I will be enough for her, and she will meet my needs.

 

There is power in the I AM.

 

Let people, things, and events come and go as they please. The ones that are meant to stay will stay.

 

Love yourself.

[FrancoStacy]

 

The worst part is i was so confident but now i feel like something must be wrong with me if i cant even make this work when my mates have it without even trying. The things they come out with and how lazy they sound yet their partners dont leave. I give everything my trust, heart, caring, never question them, give loads in the bedroom, cook dinners, take them out, never cheated once on anyone and... it ends.

 

I am right there with you. The difference is I am 54.

 

I fell in love at 18....gave it my all and after 5 years, she left me. She was an awesome person and just so pure. We were engaged at 21 and I even went and asked her father first...and he said no. She has since been married three times and an alcoholic. She is currently married but recently we text each other as friends. She told me nobody loved her like me. She told me her life would be totally different if we had married.

 

My next love was my first wife. We both on rebound I guess. I still wasnt over my first love even though it had been 3 years since she left me. She was recovering from being a druggie. I was her hero according to her. We were married 18 months, but she said she had to move back home. We are still friends too.

 

My next love was in my late twenties. Great family and they loved me. We had fun and we great together intimately too. But she had an old boyfriend she couldnt get over. I understood this and gave her freedom. She came back.....but she left a second time.....and cambe back......then she left again. I said enough is enough and walked away. She begged me to take her back so I did, but I was bitter toward her. She eventually walked away. But four years ago after i ran into her at a gas station. She asked me why I didnt ask her to marry me...I was shocked! It was like she had no memory of it all. I didnt go into it, I just sincerely looked at her and said, "I dont know"....lookig back I wished I had. She is a good wife and mom.

 

Then came this woman that was 6 years younger than me. We got married and had a child at 30. We had a total of 4 kids. One day she didnt come home and left me an the kids. Accused me of a lot of things but when she is calm, she simply said she fell out of love with me. I had a wonderful marriage in my eyes. We had four kids together. She was my lover, my best friend, my teammate and the center of all that I had. But she left.

 

I look back and I see my friends treat wives like crap....but they stay married. I see them spend little time with them or criticize them. I loved my wife! I looked forward to spendig time with her every day. I have loved all these women and NEVER even come close to cheating on any of them. I didnt even talk to women because I never wanted them to worry.

 

I too look now and say, God, what is wrong with me. Am I not lovable? Where have I failed? Come to the conclusion there is something wrong with me and I cant see it. I have never has a shortage of women to date. Always been considered attractive by women, but that is obviously not enough. The sex always seemed satisfying to them, they always said they were satisfied and came back for more....but in the end they always leave. I look back at all of them and wonder what did I do or not do. The bottom line is that if I can drive away a woman of 22 years of marriage, 4 kids and we buried our parents together and a woman we shared so much and laughed so much.....what hope do I have of finding one in this stage of my life that will ever love me with the same faithfulness, perserverance, passion that I think I give to them.

 

So I dont have answers, but what you do have is....you have your youth! Dont take it for granted and understand you have many glorious days ahead of you. I think my situation is not the norm and yours is not the same as mine.

 

So believe that something better is always around the next corner.

 

The last thing, if it wasnt for my faith, I wouldnt have survived

[waiting_game]

Hi, in response to the 'carrying me financially' comment. That isnt the case at all. I moved into a mates house because i simple couldnt afford the £1000 a month bills now im suddenly on my own neither did i want to stay in a house that we got together.

 

Im hoping things pick up again and i can get my own place but for now im missing the days out and things. I cannot bring myself to do things alone, walking, holidays etc i dont want to do alone. My worst part is i am not looking forward to dating again as i frankly hate it all.