Dating a guy who keeps cancelling [UPDATE: Ex Contacted Me]

[Wings Of Love]

I apologise for how very long this is, but if you read this to the end then I'll be very grateful.

 

I've been dating a guy for 6 weeks now, after having been friends for a couple of years. My only problem with him is that he keeps cancelling plans, even when he makes them.

 

The first occasion he cancelled last minute saying he was really tired after work, but immediately asked to reschedule for the following day. I was fine with that, we all get tired and I had backup plans and was free the following day anyway.

 

The second time he got in touch about 10-15 minutes before he was due to pick me up and said he had "quite a bit to fit in" and couldn't make it. He apologised a few times, but no offer to reschedule this time.

 

The third time he told me a few hours before our arranged meeting time that he was ill and wasn't sure he'd be up for it. Then I got several mixed answers; first yes he was coming, then no, then maybe, before saying no again. This time I let him know I was disappointed and told him that I'm not going to waste my time, if he doesn't want to see me again/has lost interest, to just come out with it. He told me he was still interested and definitely wanted to see me again, so rescheduled for a few days later. The day before that he did message to say he'd probably have to cut it short as he had an arranged Japanese lesson (he's going there in May) the evening of our date. I said that 2 hours together in as many weeks just seemed a bit pointless. He agreed and decided to move his lesson to the day after our date instead. So things went ahead as we planned.

 

Now this is where things get a bit complicated. During our evening together on Sunday, we were talking and he brought up (not for the first time) the topic of one day taking me on holiday. During this conversation he guessed there was something on my mind,he can read me quite well and though I tried to distract his attention, he wouldn't let it go and kept asking. Eventually, when I said I was just feeling a little scared, he said that the only reason he could think of to be scared was if I was falling in love with him, and he asked me outright if that was the case.

 

The fact is, while it may be early days, we have spent 6 weeks together and there was a very close relationship between us even before we moved past friendship (he had been pursuing me for some time) so while I'm not in love with him at this point in time, I do think I'm beginning to fall for him, and I told him as much.

 

He replied that he could see falling in love with me in the future, and that he just needed a bit more time. I told him that that was perfectly fine, there's no rush, he can move at his own pace. Things seemed okay. Shortly after this he drove me home for the night. This is when he changed a little; he barely said a word to me the whole ride home. While he would usually reach over and squeeze my hand or my knee, or at least glance my way and smile on the way home, this time he didn't do any of those things. When we parked outside my house I went to get out of the car and he said "Don't I get a kiss?", so I gave him a quick one and we agreed to meet Wednesday (today). I also told him that I was feeling a little embarrassed due to my earlier admission and I wouldn't reach out first for a few days because of it. He laughed and said that was fine.

 

He didn't text to let me know he was home that evening as he often does, and he was completely silent Monday and Tuesday. I didn't hear from him all day today so I finally gave in and asked if we were still meeting tonight. He said he'd forgotten all about it, had to do something for work and said sorry. As yet I haven't replied.

 

Quite honestly, I don't know what's going on with him. I feel as though I'm being punished for what I said on Sunday. But at this stage, I'm not sure what else he expected. Shouldn't feelings be starting to grow stronger? I'm not sure I should respond to his cancellation message, because honestly I'm quite angry that he keeps doing this to me. Our online communication/texting has also dipped since the early stages of dating (he used to check in every day, but now we rarely chat just for fun) and neither of us have brought up chatting on the phone because I hate it.

 

I'm sure many of you will tell me he's just not into me. Maybe you're right. I'm reluctant to call it off because he's very attentive and affectionate when we do get together and of course he has only cancelled on four occasions. We've had many other dates (I've actually lost count of how many) that did go ahead and went fantastically, and he is the one who wanted us to be exclusively dating. There's also a chance that I'm just over-analyzing everything which I've always had a problem with. I know he's busy right now, with work, planning his trip to Japan with friends, training for a marathon at the end of this month, etc. Should I hold on a little longer? Should I let him know I'm disappointed about being let down today (really, who forgets they have plans?) and ask if he's interested in rescheduling? Or just stay quiet and leave that to him?

 

If you made it this far, do you have any words of wisdom for me?

[CarbonCopy]

I am absolutely no dating expert and am currently dealing with a tricky dating situation myself but... You've been dating 6 weeks and he's canceled 4 times? Yikes.

[coolheadal]

I read all what everyone types to get idea of what your situation is. Now question for you?

 

Have you been to his house?

This guy you love already but he doesn't love you the same way yet?

Do you see what's going on with him. Sounds like he has someone else and he's juggling his schedule to be with you if he can pull it off. So many excuses from this guy. But you hang in there for some odd reason. Sure no one wants to end things but this guy doing all the red flags and your picking them up one by one. He could be just stringing you along and see how far you'll take all of his excuses and cancellations. Really this is not a normal man. Either he doesn't have the time to spend and when he does it short and sweet. He doesn't love you as you love him, red flag! You allow that from him. He tells he hopes he can, not a good sign. Either he does or he doesn't but he doesn't for now. I say you start looking into options, what I mean you start looking into other men that doesn't play mind games and everything else this guy is doing wrong. You can have him on the side like he's doing with you now. If you want to continue with this sort of guy? That's your choice not ours.

[TheBathWater]

Four cancelations in six weeks seems like a lot. That comes out to an average of 34.67 cancelations per year

 

You can do what you want, but my theory on this sort of thing is if you're dating a person who keeps canceling, then it's time to cancel the person you're dating.

[kendahke]

 

If you made it this far, do you have any words of wisdom for me?

 

Once, depending upon how much I like the guy...ok.

 

Twice? It's a pattern. He can't manage his time and has too much going on or else he's really not all that interested. People make time for what/who is important to them. That's human nature.

 

If they're not making time for you and cancelling all the time, then they're not really all that interested in you.

 

Keep him as a friend... that way, your heart and feelings aren't caught up in his bad time management.

[Mkn1010]

This guy sounds like he has an emotionally avoidant attachment style.

 

 

Please read up on the above type and see if it correlates to him, I bet it will be a HUGE eye opener.

 

 

Did he have an emotionally avoidant parent growing up? like an alcohol or narcissistic parent for example? Or has he previously been hurt really badly by a relationship?

 

 

I dated a guy who frequently cancelled and 'forgot' about our catch-ups and it is very very hard on the soul. If this makes you feel bad about yourself, you need to cut it loose. I wish you all the best, take care of YOU!

[angel.eyes]

Honey, this is what a back burner looks like. My guess is he's actively pursuing others. So whenever someone bites, he drops you like a hot potato with flimsy excuses of being tired, busy, forgetful or whatever...and you stick around trying to give him another chance even as his behavior gets progressively worse. He's not really interested in you. Look at his choices and priorities, not what he does on the rare occasion the date actually takes place. Four cancels in six weeks of brand new dating is just ridiculous!

 

You're option Z in his list of priorities. Why bother? Anything else, even being single, would be better than this.

[rushed]

After a month of dating, the guy I was seeing cancelled on a date we had planned. (He had just finished building a computer and wanted to stay home and play video games on it to test it out.) I remembered I sent him the fingers making the peace sign emoji, then unmatched him on Tinder, unfriended him on Facebook, and blocked his number on my phone. Eff that. If I was this low on his priority list now, I couldn't even imagine where I'd be in the future.

 

I have no qualms walking away from a person who doesn't value me.

 

You shouldn't either. We teach people how to treat us. If you're okay with your guy constantly cancelling on you, he will continue to do it. (BTW, my guy did get back in touch with me and apologized. He hasn't cancelled on a date with me since.)

[enddeck]

You are very low on this guys priority list and as far as he's concerned that's where you will stay.

He has his friends,his running,his language lessons and whatnot,you are a convenience and he only turns up when he has nothing better to do.

Try cancelling on him and I bet he won't take it so well.

[todreaminblue]

if a guy said to me im scared of you saying you are falling in love with me...i wouldnt tell him...wouldn't want to b ewith him either...there's lots scarier things in life than love and that would mean im way way more experienced in what it means to be really scared.........

 

 

i would leave him in his warm bubble feeling no love from me..... and find me a surfer guy..who knows there's sharks......and rejoices when a woman tells him hey i am falling in love with you because that guy knows he might get eaten by a shark.....at least he would know before the shark ate his head..... a surfer of waves woman was falling in love with him flaws and all.......deb

[shrah25]

I apologise for how very long this is, but if you read this to the end then I'll be very grateful.

 

I've been dating a guy for 6 weeks now, after having been friends for a couple of years. My only problem with him is that he keeps cancelling plans, even when he makes them.

 

The first occasion he cancelled last minute saying he was really tired after work, but immediately asked to reschedule for the following day. I was fine with that, we all get tired and I had backup plans and was free the following day anyway.

 

The second time he got in touch about 10-15 minutes before he was due to pick me up and said he had "quite a bit to fit in" and couldn't make it. He apologised a few times, but no offer to reschedule this time.

 

The third time he told me a few hours before our arranged meeting time that he was ill and wasn't sure he'd be up for it. Then I got several mixed answers; first yes he was coming, then no, then maybe, before saying no again. This time I let him know I was disappointed and told him that I'm not going to waste my time, if he doesn't want to see me again/has lost interest, to just come out with it. He told me he was still interested and definitely wanted to see me again, so rescheduled for a few days later. The day before that he did message to say he'd probably have to cut it short as he had an arranged Japanese lesson (he's going there in May) the evening of our date. I said that 2 hours together in as many weeks just seemed a bit pointless. He agreed and decided to move his lesson to the day after our date instead. So things went ahead as we planned.

 

Now this is where things get a bit complicated. During our evening together on Sunday, we were talking and he brought up (not for the first time) the topic of one day taking me on holiday. During this conversation he guessed there was something on my mind,he can read me quite well and though I tried to distract his attention, he wouldn't let it go and kept asking. Eventually, when I said I was just feeling a little scared, he said that the only reason he could think of to be scared was if I was falling in love with him, and he asked me outright if that was the case.

 

The fact is, while it may be early days, we have spent 6 weeks together and there was a very close relationship between us even before we moved past friendship (he had been pursuing me for some time) so while I'm not in love with him at this point in time, I do think I'm beginning to fall for him, and I told him as much.

 

He replied that he could see falling in love with me in the future, and that he just needed a bit more time. I told him that that was perfectly fine, there's no rush, he can move at his own pace. Things seemed okay. Shortly after this he drove me home for the night. This is when he changed a little; he barely said a word to me the whole ride home. While he would usually reach over and squeeze my hand or my knee, or at least glance my way and smile on the way home, this time he didn't do any of those things. When we parked outside my house I went to get out of the car and he said "Don't I get a kiss?", so I gave him a quick one and we agreed to meet Wednesday (today). I also told him that I was feeling a little embarrassed due to my earlier admission and I wouldn't reach out first for a few days because of it. He laughed and said that was fine.

 

He didn't text to let me know he was home that evening as he often does, and he was completely silent Monday and Tuesday. I didn't hear from him all day today so I finally gave in and asked if we were still meeting tonight. He said he'd forgotten all about it, had to do something for work and said sorry. As yet I haven't replied.

 

Quite honestly, I don't know what's going on with him. I feel as though I'm being punished for what I said on Sunday. But at this stage, I'm not sure what else he expected. Shouldn't feelings be starting to grow stronger? I'm not sure I should respond to his cancellation message, because honestly I'm quite angry that he keeps doing this to me. Our online communication/texting has also dipped since the early stages of dating (he used to check in every day, but now we rarely chat just for fun) and neither of us have brought up chatting on the phone because I hate it.

 

I'm sure many of you will tell me he's just not into me. Maybe you're right. I'm reluctant to call it off because he's very attentive and affectionate when we do get together and of course he has only cancelled on four occasions. We've had many other dates (I've actually lost count of how many) that did go ahead and went fantastically, and he is the one who wanted us to be exclusively dating. There's also a chance that I'm just over-analyzing everything which I've always had a problem with. I know he's busy right now, with work, planning his trip to Japan with friends, training for a marathon at the end of this month, etc. Should I hold on a little longer? Should I let him know I'm disappointed about being let down today (really, who forgets they have plans?) and ask if he's interested in rescheduling? Or just stay quiet and leave that to him?

 

If you made it this far, do you have any words of wisdom for me?

 

Hi There

 

Thanks for your message. I know this must be extremely frustrating, not to mention a little heartbreaking as well. He's definitely playing with your emotions and to be completely blunt with you, the behaviour is not acceptable.

 

The male mind is a very interesting one (I'm a guy BTW!). Guys want freedom. Guys hate to feel tied down. Guys hate drama and they hate feeling criticised.

Guys are also extremely insecure. Beneath the tough exterior, there is a little boy that want's to feel worthy and sometimes that comes in the form of needing to get lots of attention and affection from the other sex.

 

I can't tell you how many times i've come across men who, even though they may like another woman, they get completely lured into the idea of being with lots of other women as well. It makes them feel even more significant. It gives them a story to tell their friends (yes, this happens a lot!). In addition, they sometimes want to get to a place where they feel like they have closed a chapter in their life before they settle down. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you both?

 

Now i'm not saying that's what's happening here. There could be a number of things but I would hazard a guess that it's a combination of what I've stated above.

 

To add to this, we can sit here and speculate all we like but the truth is that, the real decision that needs to be made here is - what standards and values am I prepared to live by and is he treating me in a way that I wish to be treated?

 

It's clear he is not so it's really important that he knows that in no uncertain terms, he needs to step up here. He needs to know that you are one hell of a woman and he is lucky to even spend some time with you and because of that, he needs to raise his game. If he's not going to - well, you know what to do.

 

I know that the mixed signals can play with your mind and as a result, cause you to fluctuate between frustration/sadness/anger all the way to joy and elation at times. But what you need to be on the lookout for here is consistency of action.

 

If he demonstrates this on a regular basis, then it's worth pursuing. if not, then you will need to part ways.

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

Any questions, please let me know.

 

Thanks

Sri

[act00]

It almost seems as though the transition from friend to boyfriend is not happening smoothly. Four dates in six weeks is a LOT when you consider that a lot dating relationships start with seeing each other maybe once or twice a week, but you say you've gone out a lot of other times, so if you see each other almost daily, it's not nearly as bad that he bailed on four.

 

As a friend, he didn't have to coordinate dates and times with you. He could do his own thing. Have to take on an extra shift? Okay, and doesn't need to check in with anyone. Japanese lesson runs late? Not an issue. Now, he has taken this relationship to a new plane, and he has to answer to someone. This can be suffocating. Friend to "married"...see what I mean? Plus if you see each other that often in a week, he always has "something he has to do," almost an obligation, instead of just planning Friday and/or Saturday and hopefully a day or two during the week.

 

So you went from friends to couple, and the dynamics have changed. Maybe before, as friends, seeing you almost daily was just friendship, and it wouldn't have bothered you if he had to deal with his Japanese lesson and didn't see you. You were just friends with no expectations.

 

Everything is different now, and perhaps he's really mismanaging himself. He doesn't want to let you down, and he doesn't say, "I can't that day." You're expecting a lot of time together, and he still has his own life. I don't know if he's having a hard time saying he can't. Perhaps you can talk with him about him being more proactive about working his life around his schedule and letting you know work is busy this week, but we will definitely see each other Saturday (and stick with it), and hit you up during the week as well, "Hey, I miss you. Want to get a drink/coffee? It will have to be early."

 

Maybe it's the thrill of the chase. You state he was really into you for a couple of years before you finally caved. He's built you up and your relationship, and now that he has it, it's just not what he expected. He wants the freedom he used to have.

 

The fact he brought up the L-word makes me think his feelings for you run deep, and perhaps what you two need is a little more balance. Again, the dynamics have changed. You are no longer that casual friend. And maybe you need to set up some planning and not expect to see each other every day, but do make efforts for a couple times a week. This way, he still has his freedom with no obligation to "date" because he has some free time. He needs to work around his schedule and you yours, and connect via text, phone during the times not together. Your relationship has shifted and maybe you need to approach this as a new dating relationship where you don't see the other person every day, as people have other obligations and things they would like to do independent of a spouse/partner/significant other. Even if you would just go to the grocery store together in the past, as friends, now you're a girlfriend, and that holds a whole new dynamic, and expectations are a bit different. Maybe you and he need to reevaluate how and when you see each other to avoid this over-extending of schedules and times.

[Wings Of Love]

Thank you for all the replies!

 

For those wondering, we are both 26, will be 27 at the end of May/beginning of June respectively. I am a day older than him.

 

Just to clarify, I'm not in love with him, that was an assumption on his part. I merely said my feelings were growing stronger, which as I said, seems a natural progression when spending so much time with a person.

 

Four cancellations in 6 weeks does seem an awful lot. But we've had countless other dates in that time, probably something like 20+, so with that in mind, is 4 really that bad? Forgive me if it seems I'm making excuses, I'm genuinely asking for opinions here.

 

As it is, I decided last night that I didn't want to play games so I sent a quick message asking if he'd like to reschedule or just go our separate ways. This was probably a bad idea but knowing is better than trying to guess what he wants. He responded early this morning saying he will think about it. That he is attracted to me and that we get on so well, but that he thinks it's too soon for love and he just doesn't want to hurt me if he decides down the line that we're not right for each other. (To this I responded that the only person who mentioned love was him, and that I'm not there yet.) He then quickly let me know that he was at work and would read and reply to my long message when he could.

 

This is the first time I've had feelings for someone since my last relationship ended 4 years ago. I wasn't actively looking for someone this time, we were just friends who grew into something more. If this ends, whether because he wants to end it or I do, then it will be hard to lose both a friend and someone I have feelings for, but I've done it before and I'll do it again.

[hippychick3]

I'm too busy/I don't have time to see you/I forgot to see you = you're not a priority.

 

If you're not a priority to someone this many times, find a new bf.

[Ieris]

He has no respect for you or your time, cut him loose!

[Redhead14]

Four cancellations in 6 weeks . . . that's not dating. That's just seeing you when it's convenient for HIM and not having any respect for you or your time.

 

To me this seems like you're his back burner girl. Don't ask him about rescheduling a date that he FORGOT about. Tell him you're moving on because you want a more consistent and involved dating partner.

 

Given the fact that he cancelled once because he was tired and another time because he was sick, and this time because he forgot, do you really want to date a beaten down, sickly man who has a memory deficit? If so, I'm sure you can find a dating partner at the local nursing home

Edited April 6, 2017 by Redhead14

[Larryville]

My only problem with him is that he keeps cancelling plans, even when he makes them.

 

You've been dating 6 weeks and he's canceled 4 times? Yikes.

 

Everything else you wrote is pointless…

 

Your only problem? Are you serious?

 

Dude keeps cancelling and it’s YOUR PROBLEM!?

 

If a dude keeps cancelling plans first he clearly is not respectful of you or your time. You simple don’t tolerate when people treat you like $#it.

 

I'm reluctant to call it off because he's very attentive and affectionate

 

Any narcissistic jackass can pretend to be "nice" and "attentive"

 

You won’t call it off because you believe you don’t deserve to be treated with respect. Nobody here can give you that mindset.

[curiouslysearching]

I am absolutely no dating expert and am currently dealing with a tricky dating situation myself but... You've been dating 6 weeks and he's canceled 4 times? Yikes.

 

At some point, there is a respect factor that has to become part

of any dating relationship or friendship. I would concede that life

does get in the way sometimes with unavoidable situations but

4 times seems extreme to me. I guess it just depends on HOW

MUCH you like the person and the potential you feel there is

between the two of you.

[Wings Of Love]

This isn't really about advice, more just to let out some of my emotions because I'm a mess inside right now. Apologies for the length, it just helps to get it all off my chest.

 

So some of you may remember my previous thread about dating a guy who cancelled on me a lot. The overwhelming consensus was that I should end it with him. I did not take this advice (foolish of me, but what's done is done) and chose instead to confront him. We talked it over and he told me he felt things were moving too fast (there had been a misunderstanding in which he thought I was in love with him after just 6 weeks) and he had to think about whether he wanted to see me again. Naturally I was upset but I told him that the misunderstanding about love was an assumption on his part and that my feelings hadn't progressed that far yet. We had a long talk and I told him to just walk away if he wasn't feeling it any more. He said he had feelings for me and wanted to continue seeing me. So we did.

 

Since then he has not cancelled any plans with me, there has only been one occasion where the plans were altered slightly but we still went ahead with the date. I was happy. After that he made more effort. At least for a while. Whereas before I was lucky to hear from him at all, he then began reaching out to me every single day, just checking in, tagging me on social media, often making plans for another date. We both live with our parents (I currently can't afford to move out and he moved back with his parents when his last relationship ended a few years ago) and though it wasn't necessary, he introduced me to his mother. We had both talked about this before and agreed it was a big deal so I was pleased. His parents went abroad soon after. During this time he invited me to spend the night at his almost every night, which I did. He kept buying me little gifts and spent quite a bit of money on buying me a game he wanted us to play together, and equipment to go with it. Everything was great.

 

But when I mentioned in passing that I'd like for him to meet my family, he suddenly backtracked. Told me he wouldn't have introduced me to his mum if it hadn't been necessary. It wasn't so I was confused and hurt. That was a real slap in the face. The subject was dropped (he fell asleep) but he later mentioned meeting my family again. He didn't seem keen but he was the one bringing it up so I didn't know what to think.

 

In the last week he has suddenly gone silent again, only messaging occasionally and taking hours to respond. And yet he jumped on his phone every time it went off when we were together. It annoyed me but I let it slide. This coming Sunday he is going to Japan with friends (this has been planned for over a year) and he was telling me he's going to send me lots of photos and buy me a birthday present there. My birthday is a few days after he returns, his birthday is the day after mine. We also had plans to celebrate together. He said he would definitely see me in the week before he goes away (this week). I messaged yesterday asking if he was free today as I hadn't heard from him. No reply until this morning when he tells me he's not free and won't be seeing me before he goes.

 

This response, with no sorry and no explanation as to why he couldn't spare me any time, added to all the past confusion, led to me telling him that I won't be treated like an option any more. I ended things. Silence for a few hours and then he agreed it was for the best but he wanted to remain friends. I threw caution to the wind and detailed everything he had made me feel over our time together. I shouldn't have done but I was upset and angry. He was actually pretty receptive to this and told me he wanted to clear a few things up based on what I had written and that he would get in touch immediately after work. He did so. He went on to tell me that he had never felt a spark with me and knew after just a few dates that there was no passion on his part. He also said he didn't feel the connection he was expecting while he was pursuing me.

 

I'm so hurt. I've told him that he has been completely unfair to allow this to continue for months knowing he had little to no feelings for me. All this could have been avoided if he had just been honest from the start. But here I am, heartbroken again. He wormed his way into my heart and broke down all the barriers I so painstakingly constructed and when I finally allow myself to feel again and open up to him, he does this. Yes I technically ended it but it seems he was pushing me away hoping I'd do exactly that. Why didn't he just walk away when I gave him the chance as mentioned above? What was the point in making plans for our birthdays? How long would he have dragged this on for if I hadn't pulled the plug?

 

I have told him now that I have no intention of remaining friends with him, I also told him this when we first began dating but he was always adamant that our friendship was too great to give up. I'm now at the point where I want to cut off all contact but the thought of never seeing or hearing from him again is tearing me apart and I keep putting it off. I know realistically that I can't just sit and watch him move on but I care so deeply for him and don't want to lose my best friend. I haven't stopped crying since 10am and I'm exhausted but I can't see this going away any time soon. I'm devastated. I don't know what to do.

[Wings Of Love]

Quick update: I cut him off last night. I couldn't take checking to see if he'd contacted me all the time.

 

Feeling a little better today. Still struggling with the idea that I'll never see or speak to him again and I'm missing him a lot. Everything is reminding me of him and I'm seeing his name everywhere.

[Cookiesandough]

I'm glad you cut him off. This was really toxic for you. It will get easier with time. Stay strong and NC x

[spiderowl]

Well, he certainly knows how to hurt doesn't he? It is possible he was saying those things about the connection and spark because he was feeling threatened by your anger. I can't think of any other reason why a guy would persist for so long if he wasn't feeling something. He sounds like the kind of guy who finds commitment a threat, plays a game but backs off when it becomes real.

 

I think you did the right thing by cutting him off. Somehow I don't think he'll stay gone though but he'll probably stay away long enough to upset you even more. He sounds too wishy-washy at the moment and is best left to it until he really knows what he wants.

 

I'm really sorry you are hurting like this. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing by confronting him when he was being disrespectful.

[Wings Of Love]

Thank you, I do feel I've done the right thing in going straight to NC.

 

I don't know why he persisted for so long if he truly felt nothing but I have to take him at his word. There is a chance he didn't mean it - I've been wondering if perhaps he wanted to be single during his upcoming trip to Japan - but I'm not sure he'd hurt me like that if it wasn't the truth. Whatever the reason, he said those things and I'm not sure I'd ever trust him again if he did change his mind.

 

That said, I have a niggling feeling that he will attempt to contact me in some way soon. To my knowledge I've closed all possible channels of communication but he does know my address so it's not impossible. There was talk of sending me postcards while away but I don't know. It's also possible I'm wrong and he won't reach out though. I guess time will tell.

[Wings Of Love]

It has been 11 days. We ended things on the morning of May 10th, and I went NC the evening of the same day.

 

I've just returned from a family holiday which did me a world of good. I feel much better than I did before leaving. He is also on holiday but doesn't return until the 28th. I have a strong feeling he will try to reach out when he is back, most likely on my birthday on the 31st. I've closed all channels of communication I can think of but he knows where I live of course, so who knows? It's likely I'm wrong though and that's probably for the best.

 

I recently deactivated my Instagram so I'm not tempted to look (blocking isn't very effective on there) and he and all his closest friends are blocked on Facebook. Might be a bit extreme to block his friends too, but it helps me and that's what matters. I'm not using any other forms of social media so I feel a bit more secure knowing I won't stumble across anything.

 

I didn't expect to feel so normal after just 11 days. I still miss him but it's not an all-consuming feeling any more. In fact I've had days where he has barely crossed my mind. Perhaps it's just that we spent such a short time together (not counting the years of friendship), or maybe it's just that I never reached the point of falling in love with him. Whatever the reason, I hope things continue like this. I think I'll be a bit more on edge when he returns home and he's in close proximity again, but we don't frequent many of the same places besides our local supermarket and a nearby pub. Hopefully I can avoid him as much as possible.

[artnoveau]

I agree with someone who in an earlier comment said that he has emotional dettachement issues.

I'd call it "commitment phobe" or a subclinical form of borderline personality disorder. (just finishing my masters in psychology )

You should definitely read up on it. I had one of them and it crushed my self esteem.

 

Commitment phobes usually are very attentive when pursing someone. That's because they know they have difficulties commiting to someone, but still think its gonna work if the other person is totally perfect. To him, when you were "unreachable"/just friends you were that person and when you got together he noticed that you were not as perfect as he'd expected.

Which you couldn't and shouldn't be. The person who is gonna make him be with her permanently doesn't exist, but he is unable to see that his fear of commitment is the problem, not the girl not being awesome enough.

On the other hand some commitment phobes hate the idea of being single. They prefer to be in a state where there is officially still a chance to full fill their dreams of being in a proper relationship. I he'd end things quickly (with you and every other girl before and after you) he would have to admit to himself that he had issues. So he'd rather stay with you and let you be the one to end it.

Until then its gonna be an up and down: its gonna be very nice with him right after a fight, because it makes him feel like it might end, which is the perfect place between being committed and being single, which he both hates. He is gonna distance himself when he feels like you want more or things are going well. And he might also make you think its your fault or totally normal that he is barely writing to you and that you are crazy or paranoid for wanting/needing/expecting more.

Its called gaslighting and it was extensively done by my commitment phobic ex and it has left some considerable emotional scars.

 

So I am really happy you ended things, but I recommend you reading up on commitment phobic guys. I liked the books by Steven Carter and you can find people on this website as well, who are talking about it.

It really helps to see the pattern in how these people behave and hear other stories in order to realize that it is not your fault and that nothing is wrong as you.