I must be Ugly or something.

[RecentChange]

I understand, however none of my exes knew my self esteam was low, nor did they know I had depression. I always acted as positive as I could because im aware negativity is a turn off.

 

Like I said, you can "act positive" all you want.

 

But when you do not love yourself. When you do not, at your core BELIEVE that you are the cat's meow - it comes through in thousands of ways.

 

Maybe I have a Spidey sense for it, as a grew up with a mother who had low self-esteem, yet tried vainly to hide it. She too would "act positive". She would speak highly of herself. She would often boost about her accomplishments - doesn't sound like something someone​ with low self-esteem right? Over compensation is yet another sign.

 

I swear, I can smell it on a person.

 

Also if none of your exes knew this - then what does that mean? That they never knew YOU.

 

That you never opened up to them. That you never allowed yourself to be genuine and vulnerable. That you tried to put on an act, and tried to fake your way into love.

 

That's not how it works. And your pattern of clinging to relationships is further proof of your low self-esteem and inability to be true in a relationship.

 

I am not saying this to be a meanie. I am saying this because unless you address THIS the patterns will repeat.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I also just want to mention in this thread that my last boyfriend told me numerous times that he is prone to depression and had been to therapy just before he met me. He actually said he felt better after he met me so stopped going. But he did have 'down times' whilst we were together, a major factor being that he left his job. So I don't see why, if I'm hiding it or not, that he would judge me so if he was going through the same? Which btw, I mentioned to him that I had been depressed in the past myself.

 

I've started to notice that I feel jealous of seeing girls with their boyfriends. This is a terrible feeling and I hate it so much. But I will look at them and think 'What have they got that I haven't?' 'How do they make their relationship work?' Feel like this is making me crazy.

[basil67]

But this is my problem... why aren't they crazy about me? This is the whole point of this thread. Thats why im wondering whats wrong with me. I barely notice Men even look at me, its like im invisible despite everything.

 

You've gotten men to date you and get into relationships with you, so don't go complaining about men not looking at you. Most of us DON'T have men constantly falling at their feet. You're normal in this aspect.

 

In your last relationship, the thing that was wrong with you was that you were resentful, fighting and nagging about his inability/unwillingness to meet your needs. In short, you were a PIA. And you should have recognised that he was not a good match long before and dumped him before you ended up being not your best self.

[basil67]

I also just want to mention in this thread that my last boyfriend told me numerous times that he is prone to depression and had been to therapy just before he met me. He actually said he felt better after he met me so stopped going. But he did have 'down times' whilst we were together, a major factor being that he left his job. So I don't see why, if I'm hiding it or not, that he would judge me so if he was going through the same? Which btw, I mentioned to him that I had been depressed in the past myself.

 

It's quite common for people who are like us to be the most annoying. That said, you didn't mention anything about yourself having depression. You talked about low self esteem which is something else altogether. And there is the whole 'nagging him to meet your needs' thing in your history which you keep forgetting about.

 

I've started to notice that I feel jealous of seeing girls with their boyfriends. This is a terrible feeling and I hate it so much. But I will look at them and think 'What have they got that I haven't?' 'How do they make their relationship work?' Feel like this is making me crazy.

 

OK, you need to remind yourself that this is just delusional thinking. You know NOTHING about their relationships. You don't even know if their relationship DOES work. Even if they are your friends, you only know what they choose to tell you. The girl looking happy on her partner's arm? He might have been cheating on her last night. Or he may have abused her last week. Or he's going to dump her tomorrow. The fact that two people are together does not necessarily mean that they are happy or have anything you'd want to aspire to. Hell, I read of relationships here all the time that I'd run away from.

[shrah25]

I understand, however none of my exes knew my self esteam was low, nor did they know I had depression. I always acted as positive as I could because im aware negativity is a turn off.

 

Hi @Heartbrokenandhurt

 

There have been a number of different comments and opinions in your thread and they all have some level of validity.

 

However, I think it's really important to look at the root cause of what is going on here. From everything that you have mentioned in your posts, there appears to be some challenges that you have faced in terms of self worth, depression, low self esteem and so on. You can try and fix this at the superficial level and think that if you were skinnier, fatter, prettier etc etc, then the guys would fall at your feet. Sadly, as long as this though process is entertained, then it will never get you the result you are after.

 

Our experiences in the real world simply reflect how we feel on the inside. Even if you don't believe in these somewhat 'new age' theories, please keep an open mind to it because if you can grasp this, everything changes.

 

There was a period of time in my own life where I just couldn't attract that special someone into my life. All my friends were, I was super jealous and no matter what I did, nothing worked. That was until I knew I had to heal some of the insecurities and self worth issues that I had. Once I did, then the game changed completely and I was able to attract the love of my life.

 

You also mentioned that none of your ex's knew that you had self worth issues or were depressed. Let me tell you one thing - no matter how hard you try and mask it, you would be really surprised at how perceptive men can be and there would definitely have been a part of them that thought something wasn't right. In the beginning, they probably would have been drawn to you on some level, to help care for you and protect you. Then as time passed, that level of 'acting' that you put on would have actually been a repellent because you weren't being your authentic self.

 

I said it before and i'll say it again - the superficialities won't work long term. You might get some attention but it will be for all the wrong reasons and ultimately the dating process will move forward on the wrong foundations.

 

Life works inside out. Take of the internal and your external world will shift.

 

I hope this all makes sense.

If you have any questions, please let me know.

 

Thanks

Sri

[Leigh 87]

But this is my problem... why aren't they crazy about me? This is the whole point of this thread. Thats why im wondering whats wrong with me. I barely notice Men even look at me, its like im invisible despite everything.

 

This is exactly how I used to feel.

 

I was skinny, uptight and miserable in my personal life. I assumed because hey, I am slim with a good figure - that surely I should garner attention. I didn't. And I felt awful the rare times I would go out and get 0 attention.

 

It wasn't until later in life when I got my confidence up that I got attention. And lots of it. I was just more confident in myself. But I could write what you wrote above word for work, years ago. It was me.

 

Life gets better. I promise.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

This is exactly how I used to feel.

 

I was skinny, uptight and miserable in my personal life. I assumed because hey, I am slim with a good figure - that surely I should garner attention. I didn't. And I felt awful the rare times I would go out and get 0 attention.

 

It wasn't until later in life when I got my confidence up that I got attention. And lots of it. I was just more confident in myself. But I could write what you wrote above word for work, years ago. It was me.

 

Life gets better. I promise.

 

I hope so. Its just im 26 years old and its never happened for me. I see friends go from relationship to relationship and im permanently Single.

 

Also I think im at the point now where im really scared to get involved with anyone again... cause I get hopeful and I can't take anymore rejection. Im at such a loss.

 

Its another day today where im replaying my exs words over and over and trying not to think 'Wow, I must be that bad!! He was soo done even when I hadn't done much wrong!'.

[FrancoStacy]

I'm having a really hard time recently, well actually all my adult life.

 

When I look back at my Dating/Love Life history, I realise its not the norm for most 26 year old women. I have had only 3 Short term relationships in my life and all ended for the same reason. They 'lost attraction', they 'lost feeling', the relationship had 'run its course' for them. After 2 months, 4 months, 6 months.

 

And sadly I feel this is happening because I'm not accepted as I am. I want to be more attractive to men. Or more importantly, just to that one special person who doesn't seem to exist. I'm 26 years old and nobody has ever told me 'I Love You'. Its hurts so incredibly, more than anything.

 

 

I'm getting very down about all this. Recently, My boss asked to have a word with me and told me that I'm not myself anymore, that I'm snappy and look moody all the time. I don't even realise I do this... but I know its all to do with how undesirable and unworthy I feel inside.

 

This is horrible, theres been times I've felt not being here would be better than this life. But really... I just want things to fall into place... All I ever wanted was to Love and be Loved. Don't know whats wrong with me. Its even more highlighted now 2 of my friends have moved into their first places with their long term boyfriends and are engaged.

 

If guys go out with you, then that means there is an attraction of some kind. I very seriously doubt it has anything to do with your looks and if it does and they break it off AFTER they go out with you, then the heck with those guys, they were DOGS anyway. Please dont start nit picking you hair, your nose, your clothes, etc. Basically do these things about you make you happy or at least are neutral toward you? If they are, then that is not a problem or the problem. If you have issues with those things about yourself, I would look into why you are focusing on those minor details in this stage of your life. But my concern is please dont become a slave to doing things to please others for something that only rides on the surface anyway. IF we look at ourselves (and we should), we need to take deeper internal looks and not focus on those small things about us that some may not like but others may love about us. So let our noses and hair and stuff like that follow your lead instead of leading you.

 

I was reading your posts and thought we had a lot in common even though you are female, but then I caught were you are in your late 20s....we are not the same because i am much older. The fact you are looking so hard and analyzing so hard at this age tells something about you. You are so young and youth is in your favor. I understand the desire to find that soul mate, I was that way myself at a very young age, heck I still dream that someday I will find that person, so your desire is reasonable. Im just not sure your methods are solid and that your analysis of those failed relationships is very good.

 

My suggestion is to start with actually writing what you want. Is it marriage? If so, what is marriage to you? Is it a relationship, if it is, what does that mean to you? If its love, then define what is love to you? How do you love....how do you feel loved....how do you know if someone loves you? What if you want all these things, then which comes first in your mind? Where do things like faith, loyalty, friendship, perseverance, charity, sacrifice come into play.

 

Do you think you have ever loved a man? Or did you just like him and hoped he loved you? ....but of course this falls back to what is love to you. Would you take an unending relationship that was loyal and faithful and would persevere through all things even though one or both of you did not feel there was love there?

 

People say that you have to love yourself first.....I say bull!....or at least bull to how most people interpret that comment. I say true to that fact you cant hate yourself and you cant EXPECT someone to make you happy, you can expect them to make you happier, but you have to be happy or at least at peace where you are when you meet that person. Nothing wrong with saying a person makes you happy, but what it should mean is happier. Most people say love yourself and its meant or interpreted that you have to come first. I don't agree. That is selfish, but love is never selfish and you cant truly love if you are selfish. Love is giving. Love is sacrificing. Love is putting someone else ahead of yourself...not in some sick way or abusive way, but love does not keep score. If a person says "I love you" only to trigger a response of "I love you" to come back, then probably its not true love, because LOVING is not dependent upon being loved.

 

Now that soulmate we all dream about....that love too is not dependent upon the other one to love me back, but it is perfected by the person doing the same back to you and for you. Meaning they put you over themselves, they crave you with every molecule, not in a sexual way, but in way that cant be explained but many have tried in song and in poems. This is real love and when the pain of love is so damaging as you can read on this site, that is when one of those loved that way and the other one didn't and that one walked away and hurt the other one....it feels like you are a huge passenger airline filled to capacity and you just lost both your engines and those passengers were all your hopes, your dreams, your emotions, your memories, your trust, your friendship....and its all going down for what is an apparent fire ball. I hope that never happens to anyone and especially you....

 

 

So the thing i dont hear from you, is how you loved these people? Or how you gave to them...not out of your need, but out of your love.

 

Keep in mind that some people are just jerks and looking to ONLY satisfy their desires. One woman gave you some good advice about attraction and dressing modestly. Be yourself and love yourself in that sense. But dont throw out dog biscuits and complain when dogs come barking.

 

You sound special to me. Cant explain those other dogs

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Found out my ex is on a dating site looking for a relationship. Its been incredibly painful. He had a relationship... with me, but he decided I wasn't good enough I guess. When will this nightmare end?

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry to hear that. It has nothing to do with you not being good enough. He just wasn't the right guy for you. Do something that makes you happy and healthy today/night. Always keep working towards self improvement - for you, not anyone else. The other will follow.

[FrancoStacy]

Found out my ex is on a dating site looking for a relationship. Its been incredibly painful. He had a relationship... with me, but he decided I wasn't good enough I guess. When will this nightmare end?

 

He is not with you and unless he is becoming a priest, he will seek and will find. I know its painful, a pain that seems crippling at times and can bring sorrow and then anger and hopelessness and it can roller coaster through all those things....but the sun does shine again!

 

My advice...STOP looking at what he is doing. Its only going to rip the scab off and you need to heal. Stop looking and find something else to do that takes your energy away from that.

[Chilli]

Hb , you sound like a catch and half to me. Especially skinny and good with clothes, loveeee that. And you sound like a damn nice person too, loveee that too.

 

But look yknow, it's about clicking and everything else to , just as much as anything, personalities,probably even moreso.

And that's just all a matter of the right person . Everyone just needs the right person and although there's probably absolutely nothing wrong with everyone else, or in this case you, it just takes the right person for all of us.

 

Even if someones as hot as all hell too, if the personalities don't do it then the attraction goes.

Too me it just sounds like you just haven't met the right person yet. Although l know it feels like a biggie , really it isn't.

That's just time and yours will come along one of these days.

Try not to take it personally , you'd feel the same way about the wrong person without it being personal .

Edited April 15, 2017 by Chilli

[Mysterio]

My 66 year old female friend SD has just passed year 12 of being with her partner, Other than that. She has had ups and downs her whole life.

 

Life is dynamic. We all have to roll with the punches. I think that a lot of us really have to let go of being the driving force of getting love. Some things have to come to us organically without a time limit. So that may mean that some of us have to be single for a long time. During that time. We should all get to do what we want social and recreation wise. No compromise or having to check in.

 

I personally find when I get into a state of not caring about my love life. Thats when Women find me appealing. Its almost like we have to let other people try to turn us into their BF/GF than vice versa.

[Dark Horse]

Well if it makes you feel any better, i'm ugly too. Like i'm so ugly, I get no matches on Tinder. Women ignore me, I hate it.

[basil67]

Found out my ex is on a dating site looking for a relationship. Its been incredibly painful. He had a relationship... with me, but he decided I wasn't good enough I guess. When will this nightmare end?

 

The relationship he had with you was a horrible one with him not meeting your needs. It NEEDED to end. And yes, from his point of view, I'm sure you're right that he needed a partner who wasn't being a PIA him about her unmet needs.

 

Why are you seeing yourself as a victim instead of seeing that it's best to be out of that dysfunctional relationship?

[Mysterio]

A lot of people think they are ugly. I don't see it as much. Unless you are a woman that has chin hairs that you don't take care of. Or let Acne get the best of you, either gender and you don't groom yourself.

 

How can one be ugly.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

The relationship he had with you was a horrible one with him not meeting your needs. It NEEDED to end. And yes, from his point of view, I'm sure you're right that he needed a partner who wasn't being a PIA him about her unmet needs.

 

Why are you seeing yourself as a victim instead of seeing that it's best to be out of that dysfunctional relationship?

 

It wasn't Horrible. What do you mean by 'PIA'?

[anna121]

I'm sorry OP. But looking for another relationship after one ends...is what people do.

 

I know that it hurts. You need to train yourself out of the habit of thinking about your exes. Pretend that they are dead. Their lives and decisions are no longer your concern and it will drive you crazy to dwell on it.

[Leigh 87]

But this is my problem... why aren't they crazy about me? This is the whole point of this thread. Thats why im wondering whats wrong with me. I barely notice Men even look at me, its like im invisible despite everything.

 

 

 

Well what's the difference between you and me? I am not considered pretty or beautiful yet I somehow manage to find men who fall hard for me and are enamoured by my very plain looks.

 

I happen to like my style and like myself enough to convey confidence. I am also friendly.

 

What about your outward demeanor would be holding you back do you think?

[Pete2304]

I'd bet my last penny OP there's nothing wrong with how you look, you're just hurting because in reality you're not over your ex. It's more likely that rather than nobody having noticed you, you haven't noticed them.

 

At some point, you'll be at work or sat in a bar etc and you'll notice someone smile at you and you'll get that butterfly feeling as you find yourself smiling back. They most probably won't be the one but when that happens you're ready again. I'm six years older than you and I'm worried I will always be single but then every now and then a flirt here and there reminds you that there really are plenty more fish in the sea!

[basil67]

It wasn't Horrible. What do you mean by 'PIA'?

 

I had you confused for someone else. Please accept my apologies.

 

I'll see myself out.