No contact/ Reconciliation

[Miserably_depressed]

We have heen broken up for maybe 2 1/2 weeks now i have another post with more details. I have been working on myself. I have beej going to Aa meetings and Na meetings spending hours there. I am plannijg on not drinking or anything for 30 days is my first goal. I have been baptized and pray and am going to church. I plan on getting a great job after the semester of school is over. I have been no contact for 1 week now. I have been blocked on everything except the message function on one of my facebook profiles. I was sending desperate messages right after the break up asking for another chance. She said we might meet up in a few days after we had some time and space. I kept pushing it and asking her when we were going to meet up and the last time I talked to her she said she was serious about breaking up now and cant do it anymore. The thing is I really want her back she was very special to me. I now realize all the things I did wrong. Im ready to make things right and change for myself and her. I dont want to be with other women. We always used to say we were meant to be. I was her first love and she wanted me to marry her. She would always say she thought I was the one. Now I hope its not too late because I realize she IS the one for me. We had a special bond. I want to be good to her now. Please dont tell me not to pursue this. I would really like some tips or a strategy to go about getting her back. I want to prove i can do better. I will do whatever it takes. I was thinking go no contact 30 days and then try to just say hey and talk? Is that too long though? I need her back. Please help.

[jamili]

We have heen broken up for maybe 2 1/2 weeks now i have another post with more details. I have been working on myself. I have beej going to Aa meetings and Na meetings spending hours there. I am plannijg on not drinking or anything for 30 days is my first goal. I have been baptized and pray and am going to church. I plan on getting a great job after the semester of school is over. I have been no contact for 1 week now. I have been blocked on everything except the message function on one of my facebook profiles. I was sending desperate messages right after the break up asking for another chance. She said we might meet up in a few days after we had some time and space. I kept pushing it and asking her when we were going to meet up and the last time I talked to her she said she was serious about breaking up now and cant do it anymore. The thing is I really want her back she was very special to me. I now realize all the things I did wrong. Im ready to make things right and change for myself and her. I dont want to be with other women. We always used to say we were meant to be. I was her first love and she wanted me to marry her. She would always say she thought I was the one. Now I hope its not too late because I realize she IS the one for me. We had a special bond. I want to be good to her now. Please dont tell me not to pursue this. I would really like some tips or a strategy to go about getting her back. I want to prove i can do better. I will do whatever it takes. I was thinking go no contact 30 days and then try to just say hey and talk? Is that too long though? I need her back. Please help.

 

No contact means no contact forever, until, and IF, she reaches out to you and wants you back. You break NC at 30 days and try to contact her and most likely it will just push her further away, and kill your chances even more.

 

You dont NEED her. That kind of thinking will get you dumped again for sure. Drop that mindset and learn to love yourself and be OK with being alone.

 

If you stay strict NC forever there is still a chance, but dont hold onto that, you might never hear from her again. You have to accept that. And you have to accept and take a leap of faith in believing that if you reach out to her, you will kill her attraction towards you.

[Miserably_depressed]

So youre telling me this is the universal approach that most of you love gurus suggest here? That is the only way? and yes i dont need her i want her back. I understand i must love myself i am working on it. I just want a second chance i am ready to make things right, there must be some way. I mean im sure people have gotten back together and broke no contact before? I just want to reach out to her somehow at least let her know im trying to change or that i want her back no matter what it takes. There is no other alternative? I was thinking about sending flowers to her work on our old anniversary date i know that used to be reallly important to her i was going to make it anonymous even though she would know it was me Is this a bad idea? I can be comfortable with myself i know i will move on and do great things i just want to fix this.

[SpecialJ]

This isn't something you can fix on 30 days. It sounds like you know you need to make some major life changes, and you need to focus on yourself and defeating your demons to have a long term shot for a healthy relationship with her. 30 days isn't enough time to really internalize the kinds of changes you're talking about, and if you try to jump back into things with her they will crash for the same reasons. To the best of my knowledge, AA recommends not being in a relationship for the first year of sobriety because it can take that long to address those types of issues and not trade one crutch (drinking) for another. Please think about yourself and what you need and don't add the pressure of planning out when you'll talk to her again. When you're truly in a better head space you'll know and can think through what you want to do then with a clear (and not-needy) mind. Easier said than done, but let go and be the best you you can, for you, and that will give future you the best shot to salvage this if it's possible.

 

-J

[dumbass2]

Best chance for reconciliation is after months or even over a year of NC and the dumper contacts you. Can't fix things in a few weeks or months. The old relationship is dead. It didn't work. The emotions from that need to subside. Contact her again this soon and you ruin any very slim chance you have. She knows how you feel. She knows you want back. She's not going to forget you. She may move on and if so there is nothing you can do. Can't force someone to feel the same as you. Best case is that SHE contacts you a ways down the road. You've done more than enough already. Now focus on you, not what you can do to get her back.

[ExpatInItaly]

So youre telling me this is the universal approach that most of you love gurus suggest here? That is the only way? and yes i dont need her i want her back. I understand i must love myself i am working on it. I just want a second chance i am ready to make things right, there must be some way. I mean im sure people have gotten back together and broke no contact before? I just want to reach out to her somehow at least let her know im trying to change or that i want her back no matter what it takes. There is no other alternative? I was thinking about sending flowers to her work on our old anniversary date i know that used to be reallly important to her i was going to make it anonymous even though she would know it was me Is this a bad idea? I can be comfortable with myself i know i will move on and do great things i just want to fix this.

 

Yes, this is a very bad idea. It is overstepping the boundary she set in place by breaking up with you. Don't do it unless you really want to tick her off. Also, think of how uncomfortable that would be for her: coworkers coo and ask who sent her flowers, and she is in the awkward position of admitting her ex did. Not the kind of talk most people want to have with their colleagues. Don't put her in that position.

 

30 days is nowhere near long enough. It sounds as though you have some serious issues with substance abuse, given that you are going to AA and NA. (Keep that up, regardless!) A month is a drop in the bucket in terms of making sustainable changes in these areas. I don't think you're going to get a favorable response after such a short time, to be honest.

 

How long were you together?

[Zahara]

So youre telling me this is the universal approach that most of you love gurus suggest here? That is the only way? and yes i dont need her i want her back. I understand i must love myself i am working on it. I just want a second chance i am ready to make things right, there must be some way. I mean im sure people have gotten back together and broke no contact before? I just want to reach out to her somehow at least let her know im trying to change or that i want her back no matter what it takes. There is no other alternative? I was thinking about sending flowers to her work on our old anniversary date i know that used to be reallly important to her i was going to make it anonymous even though she would know it was me Is this a bad idea? I can be comfortable with myself i know i will move on and do great things i just want to fix this.

 

I think you are mistaking the dysfunctional bond you have with her as love. I read your last thread -- change does not happen overnight or in 30 days. You note in your other thread that she is emotionally unhealthy. You on the other hand are abusive, dabble with alcohol/drugs. What do you think would happen if both of you rekindled? The cycle would repeat itself because both of you are still the same individuals with the same patterns. Change takes a significant amount of time, effort and commitment.

 

All this "change" that's going on with you is likely the push from the break up rather than you coming to a conscious decision that YOU want change for yourself and for no other reason. If the latter is truly what you desire, then getting back with her will likely trigger the dysfunction again and cause you to repeat unhealthy patterns.

 

The relationship is over. She has given you her decision. Respect that and move on. This is a blessing for you in that it will hopefully push you towards the right path. People come into your life for a reason -- embrace this and use it as a lesson going into future relationships. Focus on yourself and rebuild.

[Altair0770]

Maybe it's because I didn't sleep well but damn people - PARAGRAPHS!

 

 

Anyways, the "love gurus" out there are 100% complete BS. You have to move on to have the best chance at reconciliation. Not possible in 30 days, and if it is, you never loved the person anyways.

 

You need to go stone cold complete NC. This means do not text her, call her, stalk her, know ANYTHING ABOUT HER and do the same to her. Make yourself a mystery.

 

After that 30 days you will feel better. Likely not over her, but at least better.

 

However, you do *NOT* contact an ex that dumped you. Ever. When someone dumps you, they are willing to let you disappear forever, unless they're stupid enough to think they can have their cake and eat it too, like my ex. Make them live with that consequence.

 

Block them on social media. Erase their phone number, and go do stuff you want to do in life. Take time to grieve, that is perfectly acceptable. But do not contact her or know anything about her. And if you want her to miss you, you have to completely disappear from her life. This means she has no possible way of getting ANY information about you, except through you.

[Miserably_depressed]

We were together for a year and a few months. I dont really have bad substance abuse issues. I have been sober from mostly evrything for nearly a year. I drank alcohol but didnt always get drunk. Im just going to aa and na because the pain of the break up makes me want to go out and use and i want to try to keep a clear head. I also cant focus on anything, i dont really have a life besides my relationship and now thats over. So i went to 4 meetings yesterday to kill the time. So im just supposed to not ever contact her hoping she will contact me? She is only 19 and I her first love there must be some way. cant i just tell her i want to be with her and really change. I cant show her all these changes im making? I know u all are saying i will just continue to do the same things but i know i wont i am different i will change.

[SpecialJ]

It's really hard to make clear decisions if you don't have other things in your life. Keep doing the things that ease your impulses to use, and think about other areas of interest for yourself that you can build on so that you DO have other things in your life. Don't worry about sharing changes with her yet because if they are about her and not you, nothing will actually change. Fill your life with other activities for a few months and then see if you still want to talk to her. You don't have to make any decisions about how to move forward with her right now -- and, in fact probably shouldn't, until you see how you feel once you're standing on your own two feet with your own sources of activity and confidence in life.

[Miserably_depressed]

Ok good advice but i really want to make amends, all this time apart is just going to make it easier for her to move on. Why not try when its fresh? I will be fine ok ill change and do things for myself that doesnt change the fact that i want to marry her. All those times she wanted me to marry her I wish i did now. If i would have asked to marry her before the breakup she would have. Im afraid the new people shes hanging around are going to influence her negatively i know she will use drugs if they become available. I want her back, if I dont contact her she might think I dont care. I still have the cat and she loves the cat alot. I still have to talk to her parents because they have my personal belongings that i need sent in the mail. Is it a bad idea to talk to her parents about her? I just feel if i could even just get a coffee date i could convince her that i will be better to her. Hasnt anyone taken a chance and it worked. I dont need the self help speech or were both not ready or stable. I know how to make it work now if i could just get her to come back around

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok good advice but i really want to make amends, all this time apart is just going to make it easier for her to move on. Why not try when its fresh? I will be fine ok ill change and do things for myself that doesnt change the fact that i want to marry her. All those times she wanted me to marry her I wish i did now. If i would have asked to marry her before the breakup she would have. Im afraid the new people shes hanging around are going to influence her negatively i know she will use drugs if they become available. I want her back, if I dont contact her she might think I dont care. I still have the cat and she loves the cat alot. I still have to talk to her parents because they have my personal belongings that i need sent in the mail. Is it a bad idea to talk to her parents about her? I just feel if i could even just get a coffee date i could convince her that i will be better to her. Hasnt anyone taken a chance and it worked. I dont need the self help speech or were both not ready or stable. I know how to make it work now if i could just get her to come back around

 

Yes, this is also a bad idea. It's very inappropriate.

 

You need to learn to respect a boundary. This is not all about you and what you want, OP.

 

Look, the girl is barely an adult. She won't really be ready to settle down and marry for years. Yeah, I know she told you she wanted to get married but it's fantasizing. The likelihood of you two staying together forever was extremely slim anyway, given how young she is. First loves are usually never our last.

 

She broke up with you because she doesn't want to make it work anymore. Sure, people take chances all the time. But under the given circumstances and your respective histories of instability? It's very unlikely this will work out in the end.

 

Leave her alone. Work on you and get healthy. The desperation and complete focus on your desires in this thread (and the other) indicate you are not in a position to reunite anyway. It won't work. You're not ready either.

[Altair0770]

Yes, this is also a bad idea. It's very inappropriate.

 

You need to learn to respect a boundary. This is not all about you and what you want, OP.

 

Look, the girl is barely an adult. She won't really be ready to settle down and marry for years. Yeah, I know she told you she wanted to get married but it's fantasizing. The likelihood of you two staying together forever was extremely slim anyway, given how young she is. First loves are usually never our last.

 

She broke up with you because she doesn't want to make it work anymore. Sure, people take chances all the time. But under the given circumstances and your respective histories of instability? It's very unlikely this will work out in the end.

 

Leave her alone. Work on you and get healthy. The desperation and complete focus on your desires in this thread (and the other) indicate you are not in a position to reunite anyway. It won't work. You're not ready either.

 

This. Unfortunately the best way to get an ex back is to completely disappear, and even then it's slim. I know it's not what you want to hear, but unfortunately there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to bring her back, she has to do this on her own. You cannot manipulate someone into coming back. You cannot prove anything. Your chance to prove your worth was when you guys were in a relationship.

 

Unfortunately the young ones are always dumb, and make decisions that will haunt them for many years, regardless of if they want to reconcile or not. You had your chance to prove it in the relationship, and despite doing everything you can, you have done what you could do while in the relationship. Some are quick to let it go, especially the young ones. They feel they have the entire world to explore rather than settling down, and often live on the honeymoon phase and panic when it gets real, or start a downward trend of it not being everything they fantasized.

 

Anything and everything you do will only hurt your chances unless you completely disappear from their lives. Dumpers, especially the young ones, completely ignore any consequences when making a decision to dump. Most think they'll have you forever around their finger until they don't care anymore. I can't tell you how many dumpees ignore the NC rule, or are oblivious to it. Those that do know of it, often fail because they think that after a few months the dust has settled. This is why relationship gurus make promises to increase your chances of getting an ex back, but in reality it's all just a bunch of bullcrap that is exploiting desperate men or women that will pay anything to have their love back. Most the times those succeed is because dumpers generally do start missing their dumpee at about 30 days. And those that do reconcile have the same issues that the previous relationship have. They make promises but with the disclaimer that not all exes return.

 

Trust me, it's all BS and it shouldn't be followed. It's meant for people to get their hopes up, be someone they aren't, and then fork over money. All those quizes that say "Do you even have a chance?" will always say yes, but ask very vague questions that generally do not have anything to do with the dumper or even the relationship, but merely just how the dumping took place.

 

I cannot guarantee anything. NO ONE can. But your best bet is to take this time for yourself. Improve yourself for YOU. And if you did a good enough job in the relationship, that will have increased your chances of reconciliation. Not anything after the relationship has ended. The only thing you can do now is prevent any decreasing chance of a reconciliation, and that is done by having ANY contact with the dumper.

 

Disappear completely from her radar. She gets to know nothing about you. Eventually it'll eat her up inside if you meant anything to her. You are dead for all she knows. Make her experience the loss of the relationship, not the freedom of getting everything she wants without the commitment - likely what she was looking for when she dumped you.

 

She made this choice, not you. Let her suffer the consequences. Disappear completely. You are now free from her grasp. It's the only way you will heal, and the only way a reconciliation remains even possible.

[springy]

"I have been blocked on everything except the message function on one of my facebook profiles. I was sending desperate messages right after the break up asking for another chance. She said we might meet up in a few days after we had some time and space. I kept pushing it and asking her when we were going to meet up and the last time I talked to her she said she was serious about breaking up now and cant do it anymore."

 

I think being blocked sends a pretty strong message that it's time to lay low for a good long while. You continue to exhibit desperate, clingy, needy behavior which is an attraction killer. Talking to her parents about her? I think you will most definitely be pounding the nails into the coffin of your relationship if you do this. Learn to respect boundaries. You shouldn't make this all about what you want at the expense of her desires.

 

What you need to do with this time is cultivate a life for yourself. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds as if you don't have much going on, as if you made her your lifeline. You must create a more fulfilling life for yourself if you ever want to attract a healthy partner. What interests you? Get involved in volunteer activities where you can meet new people and get outside of yourself by helping others; find a hobby or two to get involved in; start exercising/join a gym. These are activities that will help your self esteem and perhaps be a jump start to creating a more fulfilled life. You cannot depend on any one single person as your "end-all, be-all". It is unhealthy for you AND your partner.

 

I think you should leave her be for at least several months; she is going to move on (if that's what she wants to do) whether you continue to contact her or not. Do not fool yourself into thinking that reaching out or any type of begging will stop that process; in fact, it may speed it up!

 

Start building a life outside of her. Good luck!

Edited April 7, 2017 by springy

[trustyourself]

Unfortunately the young ones are always dumb, and make decisions that will haunt them for many years, regardless of if they want to reconcile or not.

 

 

They feel they have the entire world to explore rather than settling down, and often live on the honeymoon phase and panic when it gets real, or start a downward trend of it not being everything they fantasized.

 

 

 

Hit the nail on the head right there.

[Rouik]

If you want to show her how much you care and want to change for her then you need to focus on the AA and NA, get clean and sober. You need to work on you for a while, be a better person for yourself and her. You cant look at getting her back like another 30 day challenge it could take much longer and may never happen. Put your effort into the meetings and then you will have your best chance of winning her back. Good luck and best wishes.