Told his wife...

[Jazziex]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum but have been lurking for many years.

 

Yesterday I told my MM's wife we have been seeing each other again and ruined any chance they have of reconciling their marriage. I did it because I am so sick of being used by him and being hurt by him and I wanted to hurt him back. I feel like such a terrible person. He is so incredibly angry at me and I am sure he will never contact me again.

 

We have been having an on again off again affair for 5 yrs. He has been married for 15 years and has 2 children. We are both in our late 30s

We have had 3 DDays and he always goes NC for a period of time but always comes back.

 

This last time he left her again and contacted me, we have been seeing each other about 4 months and talking everyday. He told me he loves me and this time we will be together. His wife was unaware we were back in contact. Then out of nowhere he told me that they have decided to try again and he wants to be with his wife and I am to never tell her we've been seeing each other again. I was so angry at him that I wanted to ruin it so I told her.

 

I feel awful and angry. I know I shouldn't have told her and I know I should have let him try and repair his marriage. But I was so angry with him and jealous that he keeps going back to her when I love him so much.

 

Anyway thanks for reading this far, I have no one to talk to IRL so it's nice to get it out.

[cocorico]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum but have been lurking for many years.

 

Yesterday I told my MM's wife we have been seeing each other again and ruined any chance they have of reconciling their marriage. I did it because I am so sick of being used by him and being hurt by him and I wanted to hurt him back. I feel like such a terrible person. He is so incredibly angry at me and I am sure he will never contact me again.

 

We have been having an on again off again affair for 5 yrs. He has been married for 15 years and has 2 children. We are both in our late 30s

We have had 3 DDays and he always goes NC for a period of time but always comes back.

 

This last time he left her again and contacted me, we have been seeing each other about 4 months and talking everyday. He told me he loves me and this time we will be together. His wife was unaware we were back in contact. Then out of nowhere he told me that they have decided to try again and he wants to be with his wife and I am to never tell her we've been seeing each other again. I was so angry at him that I wanted to ruin it so I told her.

 

I feel awful and angry. I know I shouldn't have told her and I know I should have let him try and repair his marriage. But I was so angry with him and jealous that he keeps going back to her when I love him so much.

 

Anyway thanks for reading this far, I have no one to talk to IRL so it's nice to get it out.

 

Four now (bolded). She's taken him back each time previously (as have you). Why should this time be any different?

[ice3784]

Same goes to me. I also want to hurt him. I have contacted the wife twice and made several break up with him. But im lucky. No matter how things screw up. He never really said the word to leave me. Not sure about this time. Im seeing him this sunday. He is tryin to reconcile with the wife. And he lied to me and bring them to holiday.

[Jazziex]

COCORICO it was a condition of last time he never see me again, signed in a post nup kind of agreement. They hadn't been doing well prior to me seeing him, hence the separation and I do believe this will be the final straw.

[basil67]

COCORICO it was a condition of last time he never see me again, signed in a post nup kind of agreement. They hadn't been doing well prior to me seeing him, hence the separation and I do believe this will be the final straw.

 

She's forgiven him this many times, she'll probably forgive him again.

[elaine567]

Hi,

I feel awful and angry. I know I shouldn't have told her and I know I should have let him try and repair his marriage. But I was so angry with him and jealous that he keeps going back to her when I love him so much.

 

Sometimes it is best to realise that no matter how much WE love a person they may not actually love us back, not in the way we want them to anyway.

 

YOUR MM is stuck between the two of you. Neither of you is what he really wants, neither of you is the whole package for him, so he needs the two of you.

That is why when pressured to choose only his wife, he fails and starts up with you again. It is not because he is so besotted with you, it is because he needs you to fill in the gaps his wife cannot fill.

He could leave his wife tomorrow and he would need someone else pretty quick, as you are not the whole package for him. He may even make his wife the OW if she was willing to do that (not unheard of).

 

If he thought you were the whole package, he would have left his wife and never looked back, but that is not the way it is.

 

It is very common for the OW after being "the good little OW" for years, to start shaking things up. YOU are not content to wait in the wings any longer and you want the starring role, but that is not I guess how he sees things panning out. He is happy being "da man" with two lovestruck women at his beck and call. He has a wife and an OW and that is the way he likes it. He tells his wife what she wants to hear and he tells his OW what she wants to hear and all is hunky dory.

 

He wants you to get back into your OW box, hence why he is livid with you for speaking to his wife.

If he really loved you, he would have been relieved it was out in the open and he would have packed his bags and turned up on your doorstep, but that didn't happen did it? That will only happen if SHE turfs him out and that isn't quite the same.

 

He will "punish" you until you are desperate and then he will be able to sweet talk you into being the OW again as you do not want to lose him, OR he will discount you and actively look for another OW, a more compliant one. OR both maybe.

 

Time to reassess the situation.

What are you actually doing with your life?

[sandylee1]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum but have been lurking for many years.

 

I did it because I am so sick of being used by him

 

 

Perhaps taking responsibility for allowing yourself to be used like this would be a start in healing

 

He is so incredibly angry at me and I am sure he will never contact me again.

 

It serves him right TBH. He makes the choice to cheat time and again. He needs to face the consequences.

 

We have been having an on again off again affair for 5 yrs.

 

What a waste of your time and of your good years. Being the 'other'.

You deserve better than this surely!

 

 

He has been married for 15 years and has 2 children.

 

Not the best of husbands is he. Why would you trust him even if he did leave her,

after 5 years of deception?

 

We are both in our late 30s

We have had 3 DDays and he always goes NC for a period of time but always comes back.

 

You always take him back.... And continue to accept the OW role.

 

This last time he left her again and contacted me, we have been seeing each other about 4 months and talking everyday. He told me he loves me and this time we will be together.

 

I don't understand, did he leave her and move into his own place? Or was he still at home?

 

His wife was unaware we were back in contact. Then out of nowhere he told me that they have decided to try again and he wants to be with his wife and I am to never tell her we've been seeing each other again. I was so angry at him

 

It's good to find your anger. He doesn't deserve his wife.

 

that I wanted to ruin it so I told her.

 

I feel awful and angry. I know I shouldn't have told her

 

I disagree. It's good that you told her. Regardless of your motive, in this situation,

I would want to know if I was her.

 

and I know I should have let him try and repair his and jealous that he keeps going back to her when I love him so much.

 

Anyway thanks for reading this far, I have no one to talk to IRL so it's nice to get it out.

 

Right now you're placing all the blame on him. Some self reflection will help you to find out what made you fall for a married man.

 

I think you did the best thing in telling her, but I reckon he'll convince her it was out of malice, because he decided he wanted only her.... And she may well be swayed and stay.

[goodyblue]

Sometimes it is best to realise that no matter how much WE love a person they may not actually love us back, not in the way we want them to anyway.

 

YOUR MM is stuck between the two of you. Neither of you is what he really wants, neither of you is the whole package for him, so he needs the two of you.

That is why when pressured to choose only his wife, he fails and starts up with you again. It is not because he is so besotted with you, it is because he needs you to fill in the gaps his wife cannot fill.

He could leave his wife tomorrow and he would need someone else pretty quick, as you are not the whole package for him. He may even make his wife the OW if she was willing to do that (not unheard of).

 

If he thought you were the whole package, he would have left his wife and never looked back, but that is not the way it is.

 

It is very common for the OW after being "the good little OW" for years, to start shaking things up. YOU are not content to wait in the wings any longer and you want the starring role, but that is not I guess how he sees things panning out. He is happy being "da man" with two lovestruck women at his beck and call. He has a wife and an OW and that is the way he likes it. He tells his wife what she wants to hear and he tells his OW what she wants to hear and all is hunky dory.

 

He wants you to get back into your OW box, hence why he is livid with you for speaking to his wife.

If he really loved you, he would have been relieved it was out in the open and he would have packed his bags and turned up on your doorstep, but that didn't happen did it? That will only happen if SHE turfs him out and that isn't quite the same.

 

He will "punish" you until you are desperate and then he will be able to sweet talk you into being the OW again as you do not want to lose him, OR he will discount you and actively look for another OW, a more compliant one. OR both maybe.

 

Time to reassess the situation.

What are you actually doing with your life?

 

I really have to agree with this. I know it is terribly painful, but you have to think of yourself. I always think of it this way: If he is worrying about himself and you are worrying about him, who is worrying about you? Who is trying to make sure that you are ok? Nobody.

 

You have to put yourself first.

 

You know, with all of these ddays he is living in the excitement of a new and budding romance constantly, right? It's exciting to him, someone is always wanting and pining for him. That feeds his ego and drains you dry.

 

It's a crappy thing to do.

 

I honestly wonder if you really love him in a forever way or the drama just makes you feel wanted (not a judgement, just what happens sometimes). It just feels very teenagery and we all know how those things work out.

 

I think you need some distance and clarity. Even if she dumps him, I would still give it time. In fact, I would bet that if she left him and you held back and watched him from afar, he would very quickly be seeing someone else because this guy can't be alone.

 

Remember that you hold power in the relationship also. When he said he wanted no contact with me I would have turned it around and let him know I was done, making sure he knew I was making a conscious decision for my own life. That whether he wanted contact or not, it wasn't up to him.

 

Then., you have to really go no contact because you don't want this constant pain in your life. You want to grow as a person and be better to yourself so that you are ready when a good guy comes along.

 

If you do that, truly let go, your life will change so much for the better. You deserve to be loved, not jerked around.

 

Hang in there.

[Jazziex]

Sandylee1 sorry for not being clear, he left her about 4 to 5 months ago and moved into his own place. He contacted me after he was in his own place.

 

I'm just so angry with him, I feel so ashamed I have let myself be used like this and been so desperate for him.

 

I hope I remain strong and don't go back again now they are no doubt over. She won't take him back I'm 99% sure of that. She's as done as I am!

[Kat Keller]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum but have been lurking for many years.

 

Yesterday I told my MM's wife we have been seeing each other again and ruined any chance they have of reconciling their marriage. I did it because I am so sick of being used by him and being hurt by him and I wanted to hurt him back. I feel like such a terrible person. He is so incredibly angry at me and I am sure he will never contact me again.

 

We have been having an on again off again affair for 5 yrs. He has been married for 15 years and has 2 children. We are both in our late 30s

We have had 3 DDays and he always goes NC for a period of time but always comes back.

 

This last time he left her again and contacted me, we have been seeing each other about 4 months and talking everyday. He told me he loves me and this time we will be together. His wife was unaware we were back in contact. Then out of nowhere he told me that they have decided to try again and he wants to be with his wife and I am to never tell her we've been seeing each other again. I was so angry at him that I wanted to ruin it so I told her.

 

I feel awful and angry. I know I shouldn't have told her and I know I should have let him try and repair his marriage. But I was so angry with him and jealous that he keeps going back to her when I love him so much.

 

Anyway thanks for reading this far, I have no one to talk to IRL so it's nice to get it out.

 

 

 

In any event, it is what it is and you did what you did but at the end of the day... your AP made the decision to engage back with you knowing that there was a possibility that he might want to be with his wife. Seems he constantly used you as a rebound when his wife is not as satisfying. It's not fair to either of you...his wife nor you. But at the fact is, you take him back and his wife takes him back.

 

 

He does these things for one simple reason: HE CAN.

 

 

I'm not going to pretend that I feel sorry for any of you and I mean that with respect. But I will say that in this case, I think while the intent of telling his wife was unfortunate (you stated it was to hurt him not just to inform her) that it was for the best. I'm not one that normally advocates a knowing AP outing the other during an affair per se but he should have know that going back to you and then pulling the plug on it was setting off a powder keg. So he brought it on himself. And I hope that he has the good sense to just leave you alone now because it sounds like you both are toxic to each other.

 

 

I do wonder if your motive of ruining this attempt at reconciliation with his wife was because you KNOW he has a pattern of running back to you after things blow up with them. And if the wife is out of the way then it means you get him but keep in mind if that is the case...it means you got him by default not because he consciously made the choice to move on with you free and clear. And do you really want a man who actually doesn't want you and most likely will get tired of you too and go back to his wife or the next woman willing?

 

 

People like that don't suddenly change just because something went left. What will happen is that even if he does run to you for comfort and some sex... that he will resent you and blame you for the demise of his situation with his wife the more he thinks about it. He won't love you for it...he will despise you for it if he doesn't already. So I think for all of your efforts, you may have shot yourself in the foot too.

 

 

Yes, even after he's come back and used you again. Looks like you have to make up your mind on whether or not you take him back this time and if you do then you can't exactly expect sympathy because you aren't a victim here. You'd just be a knowing and willing participant in a toxic relationship with a married man who doesn't really want to give up his wife.

 

 

I do hope that you find some way to cope and peace.

 

 

Wishing you better days.

[elaine567]

Are you married?

Do you have children?

[Jazziex]

Elaine567 I am divorced a long time ago and I have 2 children. They were very young when we divorced.

 

Thanks for all your replies.

 

I really feel quite sick over telling his wife just to hurt or punish him, so hearing that it was probably for the best makes me feel a bit better.

[Spring23]

Sandylee1 sorry for not being clear, he left her about 4 to 5 months ago and moved into his own place. He contacted me after he was in his own place.

 

I'm just so angry with him, I feel so ashamed I have let myself be used like this and been so desperate for him.

 

I hope I remain strong and don't go back again now they are no doubt over. She won't take him back I'm 99% sure of that. She's as done as I am!

 

It's normal to want love so no shame is needed. In order to really walk away from this situation which is now mostly "your thoughts" you need to get emotionally grounded. All your mind energy needs to go into healthy endeavors. Now is the perfect time to find volunteer work that you feel passionate about. It might be working with little kids, animals or something else. The key is not to "forget about him" but to distract your brain fully to something else while your brain chemistry resets itself.

[burnt]

Let it be.

 

Let her take him back. Again. And again. And again. And again. ...

 

Let him cheat on her. Use another woman on the side and break his wife's heart. Then 'reconcile'. Then dump her again. Then 'reconcile'. And again. And again. And again...

 

YOU stopped it. Give yourself the credit for exposing this ugly game.

For a while, you will go through nothing but an emotional soup of pain/confusion/guilt/regret/anger.

 

But, in time you will be thankful for being free from a toxic sewer (aka your MM).

[Jazziex]

I hate that I feel like I do t want them to be happy, I don't though. I know rationally she doesn't deserve this but for him to "fix" his marriage and be happy makes me sick. I feel so alone and I want him to feel like I do

[Spring23]

I hate that I feel like I do t want them to be happy, I don't though. I know rationally she doesn't deserve this but for him to "fix" his marriage and be happy makes me sick. I feel so alone and I want him to feel like I do

 

You sound very angry.

[aileD]

It's not like you lied. All you did was tell the truth.

 

If she does leave him for good, be prepared for him to come back to you.

 

And be prepared that if you stay with him, you will be in his wife's shoes someday.

[sandylee1]

Sandylee1 sorry for not being clear, he left her about 4 to 5 months ago and moved into his own place. He contacted me after he was in his own place.

 

She won't take him back I'm 99% sure of that. She's as done as I am!

 

So you should have been able to have an open relationship in this time. That's unless his wife may have kicked him out for space.

 

If he was still sneaking around with you during the 4 months and not walking down the street with you openly, then that was your clue that he was going to return to the marriage.

 

You'll be surprised what some women forgive time and again, but his BW may well have reached her limit.

[sandylee1]

I think the fact that not seeing you was in the post nuptial will cost him dearly in the event of divorce.

 

Many put in a post nuptial clause in the event of further infidelity... Meaning the betrayed spouse gets a higher share of the assets.

 

No wonder he's so angry, but he has to responsibility for his behaviour.

 

I suppose from his viewpoint, he may think as they were seperated rated, he wasn't technically cheating on her, but that certainly won't fly with his wife I'm sure.

 

Right now she probably thinks he'll keep cheating with you and decide it's time to be done.

[elaine567]

One of the problems you have here is that he walked out for 4-5 months, contacted you, professed undying love to you and then suddenly was off to reconcile with his wife.

Setting up the reconciliation didn't all happen in a day, so he must have been in contact with her for some time persuading her to try again whilst all the time telling you he was serious about you and you would be together forever...

 

I have always found that the easiest breakups to get over are those where it is so bad that there is no way back.

I guess this is one of those.

You can't trust a word he says.

[DKT3]

I think the fact that not seeing you was in the post nuptial will cost him dearly in the event of divorce.

 

Many put in a post nuptial clause in the event of further infidelity... Meaning the betrayed spouse gets a higher share of the assets.

 

No wonder he's so angry, but he has to responsibility for his behaviour.

 

I suppose from his viewpoint, he may think as they were seperated rated, he wasn't technically cheating on her, but that certainly won't fly with his wife I'm sure.

 

Right now she probably thinks he'll keep cheating with you and decide it's time to be done.

 

I think op is hopeful that the wife is done, which I believe was the reasoning behind telling. Get him away from wife then you have a shot. Curious about the end of your marriage, was it do to this affair? I'm sure the answer will be no, so I guess I'm asking the timeline, were you divorced in the last five years?

[Spring23]

One of the problems you have here is that he walked out for 4-5 months, contacted you, professed undying love to you and then suddenly was off to reconcile with his wife.

Setting up the reconciliation didn't all happen in a day, so he must have been in contact with her for some time persuading her to try again whilst all the time telling you he was serious about you and you would be together forever...

 

I have always found that the easiest breakups to get over are those where it is so bad that there is no way back.

I guess this is one of those.

You can't trust a word he says.

 

Wise post.

 

The man has proven himself to be a liar. You cannot trust his words. Only look at his actions and then make judgements.

[Simple Logic]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum but have been lurking for many years.

 

Yesterday I told my MM's wife we have been seeing each other again and ruined any chance they have of reconciling their marriage. I did it because I am so sick of being used by him and being hurt by him and I wanted to hurt him back. I feel like such a terrible person. He is so incredibly angry at me and I am sure he will never contact me again.

 

We have been having an on again off again affair for 5 yrs. He has been married for 15 years and has 2 children. We are both in our late 30s

We have had 3 DDays and he always goes NC for a period of time but always comes back.

 

This last time he left her again and contacted me, we have been seeing each other about 4 months and talking everyday. He told me he loves me and this time we will be together. His wife was unaware we were back in contact. Then out of nowhere he told me that they have decided to try again and he wants to be with his wife and I am to never tell her we've been seeing each other again. I was so angry at him that I wanted to ruin it so I told her.

 

I feel awful and angry. I know I shouldn't have told her and I know I should have let him try and repair his marriage. But I was so angry with him and jealous that he keeps going back to her when I love him so much.

 

Anyway thanks for reading this far, I have no one to talk to IRL so it's nice to get it out.

 

"All is fair in love and war".

[WarriorBabe]

Elaine567 I am divorced a long time ago and I have 2 children. They were very young when we divorced.

 

Thanks for all your replies.

 

I really feel quite sick over telling his wife just to hurt or punish him, so hearing that it was probably for the best makes me feel a bit better.

 

 

 

You didn't just hurt or punish him, you also hurt her over your own decision to stay involved with a mm. It is a repeated cycle between everyone involved. The only way to end it without causing further pain to anyone is to stop allowing the negative of his actions to control your life.

[Whoknew30]

I had an A & reading posts like this will always boggle my mind...it's as if this just "happened" to you. You're a willing participant, so in this situation, one should take a step back & realize that MM isn't their problem...you're your own problem.

 

Your life will not change one bit, wether in this situation or any other...until you take a 100% responsibility for your situation. MM is his own problem & has his own crap to face...wether it's a BS or AP, when you know that either your spouse had an A & or the OM/OW know the person their seeing is married. One has the choice to not deal with it & walk away.

 

Now you're doing things out of spite bc you can't take responsibility for your actions. Good things won't happen to you, until you stop making choices based on selfishness & hate.

 

Everyone makes mistakes & bad choices in life...the only thing that matters is what you learn from it. You continue to make bad choices & never learn & blame others. Your life won't ever improve...you are the only one with the power over your own life, no one else.