Told his wife...

[Quiet Storms]

One cannot always surmise how EVERY scenario will end so leaving SOME room for another alternative is wise... Now, that doesn't mean ignore reality though. So nothing you are suggesting here is any revelation at least not to me.

 

 

As far as my situation... my thread is open for commentary and questions as this thread belongs to someone else. So I won't be answering your question here.

 

 

I'm fully aware of the stats regarding affairs which you know because like you said, you read my post about my situation.

 

It was a rhetorical question meant to make a general point.

[Jazziex]

I feel so sad. He says he really wants to give this a go with us being together and things are definately over with his wife.

 

I'm just so unsure, one part of me thinks what have I to lose, I'm already hurting. But the other part of me says run away fast and I'm only going to get really hurt.

 

I've invested 5 years into him, do I walk away or risk being together?

[sandylee1]

It always baffles me how women can cheat with another womans man and then cry that she got hurt. Pain is what you sign up for when you play in someone elses backyard.

 

You have no-one to blame, but yourself... He only did what you allowed.

 

The thing is that the during affairs, thought isn't really given to the BW. Or the only thought is that she's an obstacle getting in the way of true love.

 

It comes from a place where empathy lacks, because one is only thinking about want they themselves want and can't understand how a MM that complains so much about his wife, would not leave her knowing that he has a woman who loves him right there in the OW.

[burnt]

Since you have invested so much time and suffered so much pain already, I would say stay with him and give it a try with all you have and truly dedicate yourself to build a genuine relationship that will last and be worth the pain in the long run. BUT there's only one problem, it takes TWO people to want to build a relationship. There's nothing about him that suggests that he is FULLY interested to be with YOU only.

 

Even if it's all over with his wife, ask yourself why it's over. Is it because he ended it with her or his wife is finally done with him?

 

You already know that you are not his first choice--he left you, remember?

He left you; he hurt you; he left you; he hurt you. Don't you remember?

 

If you start up with him again, I can only see two likely outcomes. Either he will continue to try to get back with his wife one way or another. Or, he will want to start fresh with someone new.

 

Either way, YOU will be one to get dumped,

one more time..

 

On a final note, think again, if you think your pain cannot get worse.

There's hellish, but then there's bottomless abyss beneath the hellish.

Yes, he is capable of causing more pain than you have endured. He is an expert in breaking hearts and you know it.

 

End it.

[Spring23]

I feel so sad. He says he really wants to give this a go with us being together and things are definately over with his wife.

 

I'm just so unsure, one part of me thinks what have I to lose, I'm already hurting. But the other part of me says run away fast and I'm only going to get really hurt.

 

I've invested 5 years into him, do I walk away or risk being together?

 

I feel so bad for you right now. He's using you and you know it but your head is spinning with emotional turmoil. You are not in a place to make rational decisions. You need to see a therapist. You have already wasted five years. I don't know how old you are but you don't strike me as a 24 year old grad student. Do you want to waste more time?

[Kat Keller]

I feel so sad. He says he really wants to give this a go with us being together and things are definately over with his wife.

 

I'm just so unsure, one part of me thinks what have I to lose, I'm already hurting. But the other part of me says run away fast and I'm only going to get really hurt.

 

I've invested 5 years into him, do I walk away or risk being together?

 

Jazziex,

 

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting. Your pain is valid and you do have a right to it. Five years is a long time to invest but only you can determine if you investing more time with him is worth it.

 

 

However, maybe a good idea is to look at the relationship and think about how it really benefits you. You could ask yourself does it do more harm than good for you? Are the happy times with him more frequent than the sad or difficult times? If things are finally over with his wife...does it bother you that he comes to you by default rather than him making a choice to simply end things with her because he wants you more?

 

 

I'm not asking you these questions for you to answer them here or to me. I'm just suggesting maybe things you could ask yourself and think about to help you come to a decision on whether or not you want to continue trying things with him.

 

 

I hope whatever you decide that it brings you peace of mind.

[sandylee1]

I feel so sad. He says he really wants to give this a go with us being together and things are definately over with his wife.

 

I'm just so unsure, one part of me thinks what have I to lose, I'm already hurting. But the other part of me says run away fast and I'm only going to get really hurt.

 

I've invested 5 years into him, do I walk away or risk being together?

 

That was a very quick turnaround and change of heart from him, following what he said to you.

 

Do you think this is because his wife has finally decided it's over and you may get him by default, as opposed to by choice?

 

It looks very much like he has no option with her, but in saying that things are definitely over with his wife, has he now actually left his wife and showed that he will commit to a relationship with you?

 

I get the feeling you're going to take him back.

[Spring23]

 

However, maybe a good idea is to look at the relationship and think about how it really benefits you. You could ask yourself does it do more harm than good for you? Are the happy times with him more frequent than the sad or difficult times? If things are finally over with his wife...does it bother you that he comes to you by default rather than him making a choice to simply end things with her because he wants you more?

 

 

 

If the OP can get to a place where her head is ready to accept reasoning she can get thru this process easier.

 

If asked the question "What do you like most about this man?" she probably wouldn't be able to answer it honestly.

 

The honest answer is: "He makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel sexy, smart, interesting and he makes me laugh. He seems to know me better than I know myself. He makes me feel so excited and I like myself when I'm around him."

 

LOL

 

People don't realize that most of affairs aren't really based on how much you like the other person but how that other person has the ability to boost your ego, get your brain chemistry churning and fool you into buying their stuff.

[Whoknew30]

I feel so sad. He says he really wants to give this a go with us being together and things are definately over with his wife.

 

I'm just so unsure, one part of me thinks what have I to lose, I'm already hurting. But the other part of me says run away fast and I'm only going to get really hurt.

 

I've invested 5 years into him, do I walk away or risk being together?

 

You're being absolutely ridiculous...you destroy his wife, for continuing to go back to him, then you tell her to be spiteful & now he's back & "you just don't know what to do"...how about grow up!!! You sound like you're 15.

 

You are in a a worse spot than his wife, his wife will get something out of the divorce & you get a man that will cheat on you with in several months!

 

Also, "invested"...what did you really invest? Really, look at the whole situation, what, listening to his lies & giving it up to him, when he needed it, what did you actually invest that makes your relationship so special?

 

Good Relationships are supposed to make you a better person...you've admitted to being lied to, spiteful, selfish & hurting his wife on purpose...how can you write those things, read them & them say "i invested so much & I don't know what to do"...what will you do when he cheats on you???? Bc it will happen!

[Spring23]

You're being absolutely ridiculous...you destroy his wife, for continuing to go back to him, then you tell her to be spiteful & now he's back & "you just don't know what to do"...how about grow up!!! You sound like you're 15.

 

You are in a a worse spot than his wife, his wife will get something out of the divorce & you get a man that will cheat on you with in several months!

 

Also, "invested"...what did you really invest? Really, look at the whole situation, what, listening to his lies & giving it up to him, when he needed it, what did you actually invest that makes your relationship so special?

 

Good Relationships are supposed to make you a better person...you've admitted to being lied to, spiteful, selfish & hurting his wife on purpose...how can you write those things, read them & them say "i invested so much & I don't know what to do"...what will you do when he cheats on you???? Bc it will happen!

 

While the stuff you posted is true will it help the OP? IDK. It might help the OP if she looked at the situation from a distance and can separate her own wants and needs to the full situation. But I don't think she's in a place to do that right now. She's emotionally a child at this point and her behavior reflects it. Right now she needs complete separation from this man and a day that is filled with structure. Lots of schedules and no time to obsess about this situation.

[Jazziex]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know you must all think I am so stupid and pathetic. This is why I wouldnt share this stuff with any of my friends or family.

 

I'm an idiot but I do love him. And yes your right I do love how he makes me feel but I also love him. Cheating aside he is a good person.

 

All I ever wanted was to be with him properly and now he's saying let's do it, but I am frustrated that I just feel this road block now telling me to run.

 

Yes it was his wife who ended it. But he has only stayed in the past because of the kids, finances etc they haven't been in a good place for a long time, and I know that's what they all say but in his case it's true. She actually told me that. They have been living apart for quite awhile.

 

I'm not sure what I want really, a crystal ball perhaps?

[sandylee1]

Go for it, as she's ended it now. You almost finally have an available man and I suspect she's beyond caring anymore.

 

This is what you've been waiting for and so why are you hesitant?

[BaileyB]

You have older kids, right?

 

Just what are you teaching your kids? What do you want them to learn - about honesty, faithfulness, trust, and respect in a relationship? Or, about the kind of woman their mother really is...

 

I wouldn't trust this man to change the oil in my car. If you go back with him, I'm not sure how you can ever trust him. But, I do hope you find your answers and some happiness in your life.

[elaine567]

The problem you have here is that his wife has made the pragmatic (I guess) choice to take him back again and again. She did not go "you cheating [insert derogatory term of choice] I hate you, I never want to see you again." and divorced him right away - NO. she realised her life and that of her kids was better with him in it. She may come to that conclusion again and as he has always gone back "for his kids", he may do so again too.`

 

My advice has always been to never get invested in people who are still closely involved with their ex. It will always be you that gets hurt.

[Spring23]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know you must all think I am so stupid and pathetic. This is why I wouldnt share this stuff with any of my friends or family.

 

I'm an idiot but I do love him. And yes your right I do love how he makes me feel but I also love him. Cheating aside he is a good person.

 

All I ever wanted was to be with him properly and now he's saying let's do it, but I am frustrated that I just feel this road block now telling me to run.

 

Yes it was his wife who ended it. But he has only stayed in the past because of the kids, finances etc they haven't been in a good place for a long time, and I know that's what they all say but in his case it's true. She actually told me that. They have been living apart for quite awhile.

 

I'm not sure what I want really, a crystal ball perhaps?

 

I'll be your crystal ball:

 

This will end badly.

[aileD]

Can't you just hold off till the divorce is final?

 

It's NEVER a done deal until it's a done deal.

 

A lot of times, once they start sorting things out and splitting things up and look at custody and Finances, they end up thinking it's more worthwhile to stay together and try to make it work then to lose half of everything, miss the kids, etc.

 

Just give it some time. And if you want to pursue him when he's actually divorced then go for it. We will still be here in a few years when he cheats on you too.

[Whoknew30]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know you must all think I am so stupid and pathetic. This is why I wouldnt share this stuff with any of my friends or family.

 

I'm an idiot but I do love him. And yes your right I do love how he makes me feel but I also love him. Cheating aside he is a good person.

 

All I ever wanted was to be with him properly and now he's saying let's do it, but I am frustrated that I just feel this road block now telling me to run.

 

Yes it was his wife who ended it. But he has only stayed in the past because of the kids, finances etc they haven't been in a good place for a long time, and I know that's what they all say but in his case it's true. She actually told me that. They have been living apart for quite awhile.

 

I'm not sure what I want really, a crystal ball perhaps?

 

You're not pathetic...but you aren't looking at the picture clearly.

 

A man doesn't leave his house & then "stays for the kids". If he wasn't living at home, he left the kids. So "him staying for the kids" for the kids is a evident lie.

 

It's ironic that you weren't delusional when calling his wife, which shows you knew exactly what you're doing & what the truth of the situation is...& they haven't been in a good place bc he is having an A & a liar. His marriage sucks bc he's a bad husband & father.

 

Look, not wanting to be with a spouse is fair but continuing to go back & forth is the absolutely the cruelest thing a parent can do to their child...not to mention to his spouse.

 

I've had an A with a single man...so I'm not speaking as a saint that hasn't been in the mist of some bad choices & or don't understand the emotions & im not speaking from judgement...just being honest, after all that time of this man really wanted to be with you, he would have been. You're not doing yourself any favors by not seeing his actions for what they really are...actions speak louder than the words of a known liar any day. Good luck

[stillafool]

Go for it, as she's ended it now. You almost finally have an available man and I suspect she's beyond caring anymore.

 

This is what you've been waiting for and so why are you hesitant?

 

Exactly! I would think this is your dream come true. Go for it you finally have him.

[BTDT2012]

I feel so sad. He says he really wants to give this a go with us being together and things are definately over with his wife.

 

I'm just so unsure, one part of me thinks what have I to lose, I'm already hurting. But the other part of me says run away fast and I'm only going to get really hurt.

 

I've invested 5 years into him, do I walk away or risk being together?

 

You walk away and live your life. Tell him to come back when he has a signed divorce decree.

[Ruffian1]

I would think this is your dream come true. Go for it you finally have him.

 

First of all Jazziex, Kudos for telling the BS, not matter what the reason. Every woman wants to know the truth of their situation. Do not feel bad about that.

 

And for the quote above,

 

I believe you are unsure of him now because you are scared, scared because of the way this whole relationship has been from the beginning. Built on deception, lies and hurt and you being abandoned by him several times.

 

Don't you trust him???

 

Now is your chance, his W is out of the way. You got him.

 

Don't expect his kids to have any respect for you down the road, just one of the things you will have to face when you go public.

[Kat Keller]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know you must all think I am so stupid and pathetic. This is why I wouldnt share this stuff with any of my friends or family.

 

I'm an idiot but I do love him. And yes your right I do love how he makes me feel but I also love him. Cheating aside he is a good person.

 

All I ever wanted was to be with him properly and now he's saying let's do it, but I am frustrated that I just feel this road block now telling me to run.

 

Yes it was his wife who ended it. But he has only stayed in the past because of the kids, finances etc they haven't been in a good place for a long time, and I know that's what they all say but in his case it's true. She actually told me that. They have been living apart for quite awhile.

 

I'm not sure what I want really, a crystal ball perhaps?

 

 

I don't think you are stupid nor pathetic. I think you have feelings for him and this has been a very trying and dysfunctional situation that has cause you a lot of pain. You have a right to feel all those emotions.

 

 

You have a right to feel like you love him or want him. Whether or not the love for him means you should be with him is another matter. Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship with them is in your best interest. You have to figure out if you are okay with the risk.

 

 

Maybe you are feeling frightened now that the reality is that you could be with him and having to deal with all that comes with him being yours alone is weighing on you.

 

 

If you aren't sure what you really want then it's no harm in you taking the time to think about it and letting him know you need that time to do so. And he should respect that you need the time.

 

 

Wishing you well.

[Minnie09]

I understand your feelings. You are not pathetic. You've invested years in the affair. Now he seems to be free, but look at it that way: he already dumped you at least once, in order to work on his M. And only now, after you took his destiny in your own hands, is he coming back to you. And why? Because his BW made the decision for him. It wasn't his choice .......... at this point in your life, after a five-year-A (if I read that correctly), you're "getting" him, only because SHE decided she didn't want him any longer ....... after finding out the truth from you. If I were you, and I've been in your shoes, i would feel like the second choice. Not a fun place to be. I DO understand you love him, but IF you accept him into your life as an "official partner", I doubt you'll ever get over the fact that he didn't actively choose you. You might feel good right now, because the struggle seems to be over and a decision has been made, BUT a few months from now, if you really end up with him, you'll grow resentful.

 

Why don't you keep him as a lover for now, as a mere option, while trying to date and live your own life? That way, you don't have to completely let go, you can wean off, and at the same time you can show him that you're your own person. With your own interests, not desperate to be with him. You meet him when it fits your schedule, and then go from there.......

[minimariah]

Let it be.

 

Let her take him back. Again. And again. And again. And again. ...

 

Let him cheat on her. Use another woman on the side and break his wife's heart. Then 'reconcile'. Then dump her again. Then 'reconcile'. And again. And again. And again...

 

YOU stopped it. Give yourself the credit for exposing this ugly game.

For a while, you will go through nothing but an emotional soup of pain/confusion/guilt/regret/anger.

 

But, in time you will be thankful for being free from a toxic sewer (aka your MM).

 

this is a great post! brilliant as always, burnt.

 

OP - let yourself feel, this is all very normal. with time, it should get easier. until then, seek support from your loved ones and write it all out - the good and the bad stuff. and be happy for the new chapter in your life.

[Grammie]

No one needs your selfrighteous Opinions. If you cant encourage someone who is in need of support to end a relationship not good for her then dont get judgemental here. She has made the mistakes already and all that is needed is to help bring her to the place she deserves whch is in healthy relationships.

 

I dont understand people who judge and judge like they havent wronged anyone in their lives. I refer to the essence of this forum above with specific emphais on "support" which i believe is a positive word

 

aren't you doing the same thing? Judging a poster because she doesn't think affairs are okay? Having an affair isn't like wronging a neighbor for parking in their parking space. Some people are completely anti-affair/anti-cheating. That's okay...we are all different.

 

OP, I hope you can find some peace and serenity in your life. Good luck.

[sandylee1]

I think @Minnie raises a good point, in regards to how you may feel resentful, because you got him because she kicked him out.

 

He may also become resentful, because he no longer had the option of his wife and after you told her the truth.

 

In these situations, if he does end up with you, you may find yourself bending over backwards to please and make him happy, because you feel responsible for the end of his marriage.

 

You don't want it thrown in your face during an argument. That.... "It's all your fault and I would have still been with my wife and kids, if you didn't go and tell her"