Told his wife...

[Flowerchildfala]

She would have found out any away. Plus I think it's better you told her then she keeps wasting time with him thinking everything is perfect. He needs to deal with the consequences and make up his mind, he shouldnt string you both along.

[seren]

Jazziex, if it were me I would wait until the ink had dried on the divorced papers, until he had moved out and was living on his own and then begin your relationship anew. One where you are courted and can be out there, until then keep in touch, be friends if you choose, but begin again and guard your heart. Be prepared for him always having his ex wife in his life as the mother of his children, establishing a good relationship with her will also make life easier and that will be a lot easier if you are seen as a girlfriend and not as the OW. I hope you get the future you want.

[Quiet Storms]

I believe you are making a huge mistake if you try to be together with him now. (I also believe you know this, deep down).

 

I am many years out of being the inadvertent OW. I made a mistake and, after my divorce, started dating a man who was separated for almost a year. He was living on his own for months, they were legally separated, had filed divorce papers, and she was even dating someone else.

 

Well, I fell hook, line, and sinker. After a couple of years, he asked me to marry him (he still wasn't divorced, but I thought of that as a paperwork technicality because his wife had never been in the picture). So, we rented an apartment, and I was just about to move there.... we were planning a future. Then, all of a sudden, he did an about-face and said he had to go back to his wife because of financial reasons.

 

Long story short -- I became the OW because I didn't extricate myself immediately. I was so emotionally invested, and I believed his claims that it would not be permanent. I believed him. Yes, I know. It's no excuse. I was the OW at that point, when I didn't walk away.

 

I should have walked away, because drawing it out only made it worse. I cannot put words to how devastated I was. I thought I was going to die. I was a crying mess on the floor for months. It took YEARS for me to get over it.

 

And now. Years later, he finally got a divorce. Guess what. Too little, too late. I just didn't CARE. I was OVER it. Over HIM. He's been divorced for something like 2 years now, and he still contacts me every few days, wanting to be with me. I am done, over it, and no THANK YOU.

 

Don't go through the multi-year suffering process that I did. The end result is the same. The pain doesn't have to be.

[Spring23]

I believe you are making a huge mistake if you try to be together with him now. (I also believe you know this, deep down).

 

I am many years out of being the inadvertent OW. I made a mistake and, after my divorce, started dating a man who was separated for almost a year. He was living on his own for months, they were legally separated, had filed divorce papers, and she was even dating someone else.

 

Well, I fell hook, line, and sinker. After a couple of years, he asked me to marry him (he still wasn't divorced, but I thought of that as a paperwork technicality because his wife had never been in the picture). So, we rented an apartment, and I was just about to move there.... we were planning a future. Then, all of a sudden, he did an about-face and said he had to go back to his wife because of financial reasons.

 

Long story short -- I became the OW because I didn't extricate myself immediately. I was so emotionally invested, and I believed his claims that it would not be permanent. I believed him. Yes, I know. It's no excuse. I was the OW at that point, when I didn't walk away.

 

I should have walked away, because drawing it out only made it worse. I cannot put words to how devastated I was. I thought I was going to die. I was a crying mess on the floor for months. It took YEARS for me to get over it.

 

And now. Years later, he finally got a divorce. Guess what. Too little, too late. I just didn't CARE. I was OVER it. Over HIM. He's been divorced for something like 2 years now, and he still contacts me every few days, wanting to be with me. I am done, over it, and no THANK YOU.

 

Don't go through the multi-year suffering process that I did. The end result is the same. The pain doesn't have to be.

 

I think what happened to you is what most OW go through. Honestly, I believe the way to recovery is thru developing strong survival skills. Think of yourself as a warrior and say "What do I need to do to live in this world?" When you think along those lines you begin to cut out unnecessary clutter.

 

That is what a married man is to an OW: clutter, emotional baggage and a sinking ship.

 

Who wants to be on a sinking ship?

[Ahurtgirl]

The intelligent thing to do would be to politely request that he not contact you until he has his divorce final. It will give both of you time to see more clearly.

[goingcrazy101]

I understand your situation and its a tough one to be in. Ive been in a similar situation like this. What you need to do is seperate yourself from this. Take 6 mos to a year of no contact. Block him and do not talk to him. Break the addiction and see how you feel. We on this forum are on the outside looking in at your situation, we are not emotionally invested and can see this clear for what it is. You need a clear picture. I can tell you that he will string you along as long as you let him. You have allready "invested" as you call it 5 years. Since he was married I would go out on a limb and say you were "strung along" for 5 years with a man who was unavailable. How many more years of your life do you want to waste? 1? 2? 5? 10? 20? and end up with nothing? Its time to cut your losses and move on. You are not going to win this one. Its time to walk away. Gonna be hard to do but will be worth it. Best of luck and I hope that you find your happieness.

[ice3784]

I hate that I feel like I do t want them to be happy, I don't though. I know rationally she doesn't deserve this but for him to "fix" his marriage and be happy makes me sick. I feel so alone and I want him to feel like I do

I had the same feeling. he hurt me, and he should not be happy with her.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Let it be.

 

Let her take him back. Again. And again. And again. And again. ...

 

Let him cheat on her. Use another woman on the side and break his wife's heart. Then 'reconcile'. Then dump her again. Then 'reconcile'. And again. And again. And again...

 

YOU stopped it. Give yourself the credit for exposing this ugly game.

For a while, you will go through nothing but an emotional soup of pain/confusion/guilt/regret/anger.

 

But, in time you will be thankful for being free from a toxic sewer (aka your MM).

A standing Ovation for this comment!!!! I love!

 

@Jazziex, Its time you let go sister. You will feel even worse if he comes back again and you let him use you again. Its better to go through the pain now than the forever pain you will end up with. Love yourself first, you have children think about them first.. They need you fully present

[sandylee1]

And the more the OW tries to ruin the marriage, the more the BW believes her WHs claims that she's a crazy woman who pursued him and is obsessed with him.

 

Continued interference in their marriage, makes the BW all the more determined to make it work.

 

Best to leave their marriage to them to sort out. It is a mess and doesn't require third party intervention.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

The five years you have spent "with him" is not an investment - it's a sunk cost. You won't get that time back and it certainly doesn't guarantee you a payoff in the future.

 

What it does do is teach you a lesson about how to invest yourself, your time and your and your children's lives. Invest in him and you can expect more of the same...more drama, more flip flopping, lack of trust, ownership and you get yourself a cheating man to boot... which opens up a vacancy if he takes you as his partner. Throw in a side of angry wife, troubled kids and an acrimonious divorce and each day will be a day in hell.... that's your future... and when his wife tells his kids, if she already hasn't, they will also hate you.

 

Sorry to paint a bleak picture, but this is what you're "investing" in and I see little payoff for you. In fact you may just be his back up plan now the wife had booted him out.

 

Demand better for yourself and your kids. Write it off and move on.

[RewindRomancer]

@jazziex:

 

 

<whispers> Personally, I'd go for it. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering, "What if?"

 

 

I'm a risk taker and I believe in love. Just have a back-up plan in case everything goes South.

 

 

Good luck darlin'.

[anynomous34]

Girl, just move on..

don't let him make you an ugly person... this is why you don't go out with married men.

For one.. they will always choose the wife over you... and two.. you honey are a FREE agent.. go out on dates ... flirt with single men... leave this a**ole he sounds like a d**che..

 

Love yourself... trust me... i've been in the same boat.. I met this very "sweet" or so i thought... man.. first he told me he was single but later began to tell me he was married but not in love...all these stories.funny how he began to notice i was falling for him and little by little he began to unravel. ...Until he went out of town.. and i wouldn't hear back from him... and naive me learned the truth... he didnt care about me.. I was just his side chick when he felt alone...I was soooo furious...i wanted to destroy him... but i realized when your involved in a situation like that it's best to walk away... I was so hurt ... someone always ends up hurt in the end.. just let him go.. you dont need that extra weight on you girl.. we probably went out for 2 months.. but i was already going through constant insecurity because of all the things he began to unravel i became weary.. and scared..

 

I ran away so fast.. relationships like those will never work.. and if they do.. will you ever really trust him?

 

If he cheated on his wife with you what makes you think he wont with you?