Both married and planning a life together - update

[pollypepper01]

Hello,

 

I need some help, advice and perspective.

 

I am 39, have been married for 15 years, one son who is 9 years old. My husband and I have had a largely sexless marriage since my son was born. This is led by him, and put down to the struggle we had to conceive. When my son was 2 years old I discovered my husband was using porn heavily and interacting with women online. We briefly seperated for two weeks, reconciled and worked on our marriage. Our sex life did not return but our family life was good. I always tried to initiate sex, but was rejected frequently. My husband felt it would all correct itself eventually, and did not appreciate how devastating I found it. Our relationship had been OK, grounded in companionship but completely lacking in emotional and sexual connectivity. At times it felt coma like.

 

We have moved around a little, and lived in seperate countries temporarily last year. I stayed with my parents with our son waiting to join him (we were waiting for his contract to be confirmed). I got very sick and was supported entirely by my parents. My husband was very disconnected with what was happening. When he returned home for a visit, he could see I was struggling and attempted to be more supportive. However during that trip I discovered that he had been messaging 4 women, sexting and it seems arranging to meet them. After a two week discovery process it came to light that his porn use had escalated to online chatting, to actively joining an adultery website. From here he starting sexting and eventually met one woman for lunch and was planning on meeting another. He denies any further actions and I chose to accept his version. I will never fully know whether he did more. The women he was interested in were much older than me and much less attractive. I felt utterly rejected and like a sack of potatoes.

 

In my anger I created a profile on the same adultery website for the country my husband was living in and was on it for 24 hours. I wanted to see what the other women were like. In that time I started chatting with someone, within 24 hours I had canceled my membership and moved to texting with the man I met.

 

At first it was about understanding the experience my husband had been part of, wanting to know how quickly these things progress to sex and whether I could then forensically analyse the likelihood of my husband having fully cheated on me. However, the relationship with this man quickly progressed its own right. I didn't fully engage in what was happening as both my morality and sense of reality was totally adrift with the surreal series of events that I was part of. My whole life felt totally unreal and based on nothing I thought it was about.

 

The relationship with the man became very intense very quickly, we spoke on the phone and messaged everyday. He said he was married and also had one child. Our circumstances were very similar, both young but been in the same longterm relationships for over 16 years. He volunteered that he was in an essentially sexless relationship, that he had been to counselling with his wife to try and improve it but it hadn't improved. We both had relationships with value in terms of companionship, shared history and children but the lack of emotional and sexual intimacy was massively destructive and painful. We talked endlessly and built a dependency on each other. He said he felt he was falling in love, and we both thought that was ridiculous because it was all verbal as we had yet to actually meet. It was shortly after this that he told me his wife was pregnant. I was absolutely devastated. I asked how this revelation could tally up with the sexless marriage, and he explained that the conception was planned and happened in the second cycle. This was the total amount of sex they had had in the 2 1/2 years since their other child was born. Whilst there will be many people who will question this version, and I can't know for sure, my own situation is so similar that I understand why people make 'strategic' decisions within the constructs of family life that do not bear out the truth of your personal happiness within your relationship. I asked him on several occassions why he would progress with a second child if he was unhappy and he said it is about compartmentalising decisions. Wanting his son to have a sibling and not at that point considering leaving his wife. He knew he was deeply unhappy sexually and emotionally, and he thought he could manage that by having an affair. I understand that how we make life decisions are borne out of many different factors and things do not always add up.

 

I decided to join my husband and moved with our son to where he was working. And to where this new man lived. I knew in my head my desire to do so was because I wanted to see if my marriage could be revived enough to be complete (sexual) partnership and because I wanted the opportunity to meet the new man to see what it felt like.

 

The inevitable happened. The chemistry, connection and free flow of love was overpowering. We had discussed prior to meeting that if our feelings matured and endured that we would consider leaving our spouses when our circumstances would allow. This was then formally brought up by him shortly after our affair started. He said he was breaking his head over being in love with me and wanting to spend his life with me and breaking apart everything he had built at home and hurting so many people he loved. I agreed to feeling the same angst and we said that we would put the thoughts on hold until we were more in a position to do something about it if we wanted to. This didn't last, and the urgency to commit to a future together became more pressing. We met on numerous occassions to discuss the implications of our feelings, what we might do, what the alternatives where, the ramifications etc etc. We agreed that we would wait until his unborn child was past his first birthday and then agree a timeline to be together. We discussed that this would have to be mutual seperations first, adjustment period for all families and then we could freely date each other and build our relationship. We also agreed in the meantime that there would substantial periods between now and then that we would not be able to be in contact or actively in an affair to allow for healthy emotional space around the birth of his child, my seperation from husband etc etc.

 

With all of this taking every ounce of my emotional focus, my relationship with my husband has not improved. He has been unable to romantically reengage with me (I have been on occasion open to this in the hope that a re-ignition could rescue me from the complications of being in love with the other man). We are back to being a parenting marriage, with not adult intimacy or communication. He is not a bad man, he is a good father and friend. But our connection as lovers/partners has long since died. I am aware that the duplicity of my dual relationships means my marriage would have course suffered.

 

My relationship with the other man has weathered quite a few storms; pressure, guilt, lack of time and ability to see each other, should we/shouldn't we, can we leave, can't we leave, misunderstanding etc. We have had our fair share or break-up/make-up cycles. We are now faced with the birth being imminent, a time we both knew would be tough on his emotions and our relationship. Our contact has reduced the last few weeks, and we met last week and at my urging agreed to a period of no contact during the next few weeks/months to allow him to focus on this critical stage in his family life. He said he had been feeling almost schizophrenic and hugely emotionally conflicted. His relationship with his wife is not conflicted at the moment (it was previously) and he feels like a giant arsehole for what he is going to do to her. I said I understood, and perhaps he needs to take this time to really look at what was left his marriage to see if it could be rescued for the sake of everyone involved. He said no, he knew what was left and that was companionship, he has the same vibe with other good friends, they are not emotionally partners or lovers. He knows these feelings and they are not going to go away, things have been wrong between them since they got back together (he left her previously 8 years ago). He knows it will continue to make him unhappy and when the conflict returns after the birth it will go back to being an unpleasant environment for the children. He also said he knew we were a gamble, and that leaving for our own sakes was critical not leaving for each other. He said he loved me, and that this was always going to be a tough period and asked me to have faith in us.

 

And that was it. He messaged me after our meeting to say how great it was talk it through, that he felt we had a clear plan, that he loved me and goodnight. I did not message back as I did not want to have anecdotal conversation and wanted the no contact to start straight away given the baby is due any day now.

 

I understand many people will find both his and my actions difficult to understand, immoral and outrageous. We have both struggled with what we are doing and where it has led us. I am however completely and utterly lost in this relationship.

 

Since the no contact, I have been slowly going insane. Questioning everything, what is real what is not. Why has it escalated to the point that it has if it wasn't real? We often gave each other way outs and we both did not want to take them.

 

Our naivety is profound, and the impact of his second child on his commitment to his family a massive unknown. I am an intelligent woman, and yet I find myself in the middle of a enormous and life stealing mess. Neither one of us the protagonist or victim in this, we are both married and we both did not set out to have a marriage ending relationship with each other. The relationship we generated between us illuminated the extent of our marital unhappiness and it has led us to this point. We both have been rejuvenated by each other, and recognise our marriages are fundamentally flawed. However we are both committed parents and navigating that enormous conflict of emotions is what we are struggling with. Will we be better parents in the long run if we increase our personal happiness, or is the damage to them in the process to severe. Is it better to pretend to be happy at considerable personal cost to maintain a 'traditional' family environment better than trying to balance everyones chance at happiness in a split family setting. We have both said that if we stayed we would both in all likelihood go on to cheat again in the future as we cannot be sexless or emotionally bereft. We had discussed at length that we then run the risk of being caught over a relationship which mattered a lot less than what we have between us, and neither of us wanted to go on being dishonest. we wanted to the whole gambit, an honest and faithful relationship. It is horribly complex.

 

I wish I could grasp the truth of it all, to give me conviction to believe in it and be responsible for my actions or to acknowledge it as a farce and try and move on from it.

 

At this point I feel crushingly in love and dependent on this relationship with no way of understanding what truth is in it all. What is worse is that my morality has detached itself from my conscience. I am not engaging with the damage we will do and are doing to other people. The truth of our relationships may be what they are, but I understand the better thing is to end those with integrity in the first instance. I am not sure what is real anymore and what has happened to me.

[Tribble]

I'm not sure you're focusing on the real issue here - your marriage. You said you both are unhappy in your marriages and don't want to leave for each other but leave because it is right for you as individuals. So the question is, why haven't you left yet? Are you waiting for your OM to leave and then you'll leave at the same time? Sounds an awful lot like you're leaving for each other. What you are doing isn't helping your family. People divorce and split up and it sucks but it's better than living a lie isn't it? You're so conflicted, it must be having an affect on your family.

 

Have you spoke with your husband about a separation? How unhappy you are? If there is anything you can fix or if you even want to? You have NC with your OM right now. Maybe you need space from your husband to truly see the wood for the trees. I don't envy your situation but it cannot carry on. It's not healthy for you and it's not healthy for your family. Once you leave, you might feel differently. Maybe the OM is just an excuse, something for you to focus on other than an unhappy home environment.

[NTV]

Wow. It feels good to unload doesn't it?

 

Relationship with this other guy? A dime a dozen. You don't want to hear that right now... I get it. But read some of the other posts here. This forbidden fruit can be found at every grocery store on clearance.

 

The relationship with your husband? Probably worth the same right now if what you say is true. The grass is green where you water it. But sometimes. There are only weeds growing. If not happy with your marriage? Divorce. If he's looking for other women, he might want the same thing.

 

The relationship with your child? That's the only one of the three that can't be replaced. That's why I think your focus should be there until divorce or reconciliation.

 

Just the two cents of a stranger on the Internet.

[DKT3]

So let me guess, you met one a married people hook-up site yet it's the first time either of you hooked up with anyone, and/or stopped hooking up with other. We've seen your identical story alot here.

[Midwestmissy]

They planned a baby. He's not leaving her. They have regular sex. That baby was conceived and wanted and planned, not a one-off. How gross of him to use that pregnancy to keep you on as a side dish. And you want him?

 

The things you have in common are beyond coincidental. It's meant to be, it's not like other affairs. You believe everything he tells you. This is going to get really ugly and totally predictable. The universe will never send you a married soulmate. She's smarter than that.

[elaine567]

My guess based on how these things usually go is that he will not leave his wife and baby (had he really been in love with you then he would have walked out pregnant or not he would risk bonding with the baby and hurting you).

If you blow up your own marriage then he will not follow you, or he will follow you and then he will most likely go back to his wife and kids shortly afterwards, leaving you devastated.

 

Divorce, if you are truly unhappy but do not rely on this man to pick up the pieces.

If he is like so many MM, he will cake eat. He will tell you what you want to hear and he will tell his wife what she wants to hear.

 

Too many women get swayed by declarations of "love", to find when the chips are down and he has to choose, he chooses his wife, his home, his status as a married man, his kids, his social life etc.etc.

Be careful.

Remember he went looking for an affair, he did not go looking for another wife. He already has one of those.

 

This forum is full of OW who thought their love was so special. Do some reading of their stories. It is like reading the same script over and over again, the actions and even the words spoken are so similar it is actually scary.

[gettingstronger]

Within 24 hours on a dating site, while filled with anger towards your husband, you found the man you want to spend your life with- that is expecting a baby any time now-

 

Does that seem logical and sustainable?

[MissG]

I completely understand that you are done with your marriage. After all that has transpired, I don't think there's any way that you can trust your husband ever again. That being said - the new guy is married, will have a new baby soon, and you will never know if what he's been telling you about his M is the truth. He even told you recently that his relationship with BS is currently ok / not strained. Use this as your truth, take him by his word here, and watch his further actions (not words).

 

In the meantime, I think what's much more important, is that you try to figure out what you are gonna do with your own marriage. People are different. But if I were you, I would definitely not stay with my husband if i were in your shoes. Independent of whether or not you're "dating" (or seeing) anybody else on the side. You really can't rely on MM as your back up plan. He will not be your Safety-net. You have to do it all by yourself. And I know it's hard. But he might not be there. He might even completely disappear after you tell him that your marriage is over.

 

You have to ask yourself: Do you want your marriage to be over? Do you want it to be over only if your MM is available for a future with you?

What's your husband's approach to fixing the situation? I think he has betrayed your trust massively. Can you live with this?

Do you think telling your BH would maybe help, as in - you're now even, the situation is more balanced, trust has been broken on both sides, and now you can regroup and renegotiate the terms of your M? Maybe he needs this wake up call.

 

I completely understand that you're totally preoccupied with MM and what he's doing and thinking. This will certainly take a toll on you. You're currently in NC, if I understand correctly, and you'll be worried nonstop about what's going to happen to the both of you. This is a good time though to sort out your own life. Use this nc period to your own advantage and make some decisions, ideally together with your BH.

[Ahurtgirl]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My ex MM had proposed to me with a diamond ring and we both thought we would end up together at one point. Spent almost five years together, saw each other almost every day. Circumstances changed for him and he fell back in love with his wife.

 

Trust me, your MM will not leave her. I have lived it and my heart is completely broken. I still cry every day from missing him. Please walk away now from him and never look back. It is not worth the pain.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Sorry you are here polly.

 

You have two major issues here - your M and this MM.

 

Midwestmissy is right, this baby was planned for MM and he has no intention of leaving. He's telling you all the words you want to hear, but there's no action. Once baby #2 arrives, that further solidifies his stature as a husband and father. His plan to leave after this child's first birthday will never happen. And the fact that he's actively participating in this A during his wife's pregnancy - ugh! Chances are polly, he has OOW that he's stringing along as well.

 

I read an old post here where someone wrote that women leave a marriage if they aren't happy, men just have affairs. Statistically, this is probably true.

 

Your marriage - why on earth would you stay with a man who has been emotionally cheating on you for a long, long time. You gave him a chance to reconcile after the first muck up and then he goes right back to his shenanigans. I'd kick his sorry *** to the curb.

 

You have to find your way out of this mess. First very, very difficult step is to walk away from MM. Second is to send your cheating husband and his lonely heart chat sites packing.

[CloudyHead]

I wonder how much of his situation is merely him mirroring what you said to him in an effort to garner empathy from you. The reality is that he is having sex with his wife, regardless of what he stated to you. He and his wife have a history and shared memories and he will not give that up for you. And, if he did leave his wife for you, the reality is that he will treat you the same way. You met him on an adultery website.

 

Affairs are intoxicating. You are in a bubble with that one person and each of you are focused intently on the other with a wall built up that keeps reality, responsibilities and the world at a distance. Bubbles always pop.

 

My advice: Go no contact and move on in the direction that is best for you, whether that is remaining in your marriage or not. I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy.

[stillafool]

Why doesn't OP come back and answer questions?

[anika99]

It sounds like your marriage needs to end regardless of whether you do or do not end up with the the MM. Since you're already planning to leave for the MM why not get the ball rolling on that now? During the seperation and divorce your child will need a ton of your time and focus so this is a great time to do it because the MM isn't around to intrude on your time.

 

As for the MM leaving his marriage and two very young children for a life with you, it is highly unlikely. He is already full of angst and he hasn't even had to actually do anything yet. Imagine how great his confusion and angst will be when he actually has to see the devastation he is going to cause. Imagine how conflicted he will be when not only his wife and children, but his whole family and inner circle are looking at him with hurt and disappointment. When he's faced with the enormous struggle of dividing assets, calculating child support and possibly alimony, working out custody of the kids, etc. Since cheaters are generally cowardly, he is unlikely to follow through once he sees how hard it's going to be.

 

If you are looking for personal happiness then this affair is the last thing you want. You have jumped from the pan right into the fire. Use this time away from the MM to seek counselling, seperate from your husband and focus on your child. Understand that happiness is not going to come to you in the form of a man, especially not a cheating man with babies, and that its your job to find your happiness within and to create happy life regardless of who is or isn't around. Work on your self esteem so that you begin to see yourself as deserving better than a crappy marriage and better then an affair with a man who cheats and lies.

[anika99]

Why doesn't OP come back and answer questions?

 

Maybe she had to go to work or get stuff done.

[sandylee1]

Even if you believe his nonsensical story about only having sex for the purpose of reproduction, wouldn't you question the logic and outright cruelty, of a man who gets his wife pregnant while engaged in an affair and intends to leave the marriage?

 

Wouldn't he free himself, rather than tie himself to her for longer and if he had a shred of humanity, wouldn't he let her go and find another man while she's only got one child?

 

Is this the selfish man you want to build a life with?

 

You've gone from the frying pan into the fire.

[pollypepper01]

Hello everyone,

 

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply and offer me your candid and supportive advice.

 

I couldn't log on as I managed to lock myself out by using the wrong password too many times.

 

In answer to some of your questions and points.

 

I don't think we are unique, or star crossed lovers meant to be together. I think we are compatible, have allowed ourselves to fall in love and become dependent on each other. Whether or not that 'love' i indeed strong enough or genuine enough to weather the weight of the decisions and consequences of being together is the issue. And quite rightly you have mostly pointed out that it is unlikely.

 

I told my husband before Christmas that it wasn't working and i wanted to seperate. He asked me to wait until the new year and see how it goes. My actual physical ability to seperate from him is dependent on me finding work here and that is now in motion.

 

My other man was elated when I told my husband I was leaving, he hailed it as the beginning of our words becoming reality and we were taking the first steps to being together. His immediate reaction those next few weeks was to feel depressive that he couldn't do the same thing and declare his intentions to his wife. His resolve I think has subsequently changed as the reality of ending his traditional family structure bears down on him and the chaos he will leave his wife in if he leaves her with two children under 3 on her own. He has gone back and forth with me over this, and his current conclusion is that the end of his marriage is inevitable. The question is will we survive in the meantime.

 

The issue of us leaving for each other versus leaving for ourselves has evolved. I had concluded that my marriage was over irrelevant of whether he left his marriage or not. He intitally said that I was the reason he would leave, but I said I would not live up to scrutiny in real life if i was constantly going to have to be compensation for his self loathing at leaving his wife. He had to leave because his marriage was over whether I was waiting for him or not, which he now agrees with.

 

My instinct in pursuing the truth of what i think is going on between us is that it is a mixed picture. I don't think he is purposefully misleading me, I think he feels in love as I do, but i think we are both fantasists in believing this is all managable and do-able.

 

As his life has filled up with his work being crazy (he is freelance), his wife going on maternity leave and his son becoming unsettled, his stress has expotentially risen. This has put a lot of pressure on us and I think shone the bright light of reality on the carnage we will have to endure to be together.

 

I think he is emotionally mixed up, not wanting to mentally focus on his marriage and stop the affair/promise of a future with me, but equally knowing that we don't have a present at the moment and the future will come at a massive cost.

 

One which, as pointed out, I don't think he will have the courage to see through given how conflicted he is already. He says otherwise (I have put this too him) and insists he will see it through but that he needs my support emotionally to weather the toll of it all.

 

The chances of my marriage surviving my husbands behaviour have been eliminated I suppose by my experience with the other man. It has reminded me of the vitality and happiness that emotional and sexual connection can bring.

 

The plan, as he understands it, is he gets in contact with me again a month or so after the birth when he is back at work and some semblance of routine has been established. I think in reality this will be longer than a month given how hard second babies can be with a toddler as well. The longterm plan thereafter is we are supposed to talk with more seriousness in late spring to agree when his going to exit and what our logisitics are going to be.

 

In the meantime I am supposed to progress my seperation.

 

My crossroads is whether I move my life forward on my own without this plan being part of it. My sceptcism comes from my anxiety and I have examined in my head everything that has ever been said/done/implied. This means I have lost track of a reliable opinion in my head of what this all is.

 

My previous instinct was it is real, but the future is unpredictable. That unpredicitablity is killing me.

 

It is of course cathartic writing this all out, and I know the answer is obvious. That I have no option other to move forward on the assumption that he has no role in my future unless he presents himself with a commitment to leave or having left. And I know the truth of that is given his children are so young, his emotional and mental ability to leave won't be there until the youngest is 18months to 2 years old.

[pollypepper01]

Just a quick clarification, his wife was pregnant before we met. I think he was seeking a quick sexual fling and it turned into this.

 

I do not know the intimate details of his marriage, I know what he shares with me. Perhaps the truth is somewhere inbetween. He has never sugar coated what he has said to me, as in he has said plenty throughout this whole thing that wasn't what I wanted to hear so I have largely accepted his version of what drives him to seek sex outside his marriage.

 

As I said before, I come from a similar situation and can empathise with how you feel you can be driven to seek fulfilling sex and emotional connections outside your marriage if your marriage is largely a parenting partnership. It is mucky, and not many of us are made of the strong moral fibre that is required to end a sexless marriage of 16 years before attempting to see if you can scratch that itch elsewhere and carry on to maintain the family institution. We both just wanted a fling, and it became this. I said to him that did he not pursue the idea of us leaving our partners to heighten the excitement and drama, to which he responded saying it did the opposite, it made it not fun and very serious. As in, if he just wanted a fun fling with me now why would he ruin that by introducing such a massive requirement. This all makes me think he does think he is in love and wants this future with me, but again we are fantasists.

Edited January 26, 2017 by pollypepper01

[Chica80]

To me it feels like you are just trading one "alcoholic" for another.

 

Like people who's parents were alcoholics...they then marry alcoholics. Those who are abused, marry abusers.

 

You met on the same adultery website. You fell in love with the same man. He is not different from your husband. You have the same issues. But somehow if this man left to be with you and loved you. Then healing could begin.

 

But it doesn't work that way. Healing comes from within.

[DKT3]

Just a quick clarification, his wife was pregnant before we met. I think he was seeking a quick sexual fling and it turned into this.

 

I do not know the intimate details of his marriage, I know what he shares with me. Perhaps the truth is somewhere inbetween. He has never sugar coated what he has said to me, as in he has said plenty throughout this whole thing that wasn't what I wanted to hear so I have largely accepted his version of what drives him to seek sex outside his marriage.

 

As I said before, I come from a similar situation and can empathise with how you feel you can be driven to seek fulfilling sex and emotional connections outside your marriage if your marriage is largely a parenting partnership. It is mucky, and not many of us are made of the strong moral fibre that is required to end a sexless marriage of 16 years before attempting to see if you can scratch that itch elsewhere and carry on to maintain the family institution. We both just wanted a fling, and it became this. I said to him that did he not pursue the idea of us leaving our partners to heighten the excitement and drama, to which he responded saying it did the opposite, it made it not fun and very serious. As in, if he just wanted a fun fling with me now why would he ruin that by introducing such a massive requirement. This all makes me think he does think he is in love and wants this future with me, but again we are fantasists.

 

Every woman In your position believes the same, yet this site is full of them broken and hurt because it's all BS, he says these things and maybe he even believes them, but its a different story with his wife. When with her it's likely he has no intention to leave.

[BTDT2012]

Leave your husband because you don't love or respect him. Don't expect your adultery partner to do the same. Read more stories here. Why would youe axpect any level of fidelity from a man who cheats on his pregnant wife?

Edited January 26, 2017 by BTDT2012

[AnneP]

He isn't planning on leaving his wife and they are having sex on a regular basis. No sane woman is going to choose to bring a baby into a relationship that she believes is falling apart. This tells me he has you both fooled. By the way: Why on earth would you want someone who is capable of bringing an innocent child into the world and then supposedly is planning on leaving the wife to raise this baby? If true, he's a narcisstic *******. Why would you want that?

 

Do you actually believe he's going to walk out of that marriage with a newborn on the way? His wife would kill him with alimony and child support.

[MissG]

I think you're making good progress, OP. The fact that you have decided to end your marriage means that you have your own best interest in mind. And that's important. Based on all the details you gave in your first post, I think your marriage is broken beyond repair. Since you're also a mother, you will be really busy with regrouping during your separation and while going through the divorce. Hence, you will not have much time available for a lover or a partner or a boyfriend or whatever you want to call it. For this reason, I think you should just go with the flow and whatever your MM decides shouldn't bother you too much and you shouldn't make this a priority in your life. You will be super busy and distracted with other things. While you're busy doing and handling all these "new" things, such as looking for an apartment, looking for a job, making sure your child is all right and setting up all the paperwork for the divorce and finding a lawyer etc., all of the things might fall into place without you actually having to do much. You'll probably feel empowered during this new phase of your life.

 

Maybe you're going to meet somebody else in the meantime without even looking. Just ignore what MM is saying/doing. If you want to meet up with him meet up if not don't. But don't get hung up on the idea that he's going to leave his wife. He may or me he may not and then it remains to be seen if you're even compatible in a real life scenario. The thing right now that works in your favor here is that, in contrast to other OW, you will be so busy doing other things and making a life for yourself, that pining over your (possibly) lost love (MM and maybe BH) will bother you a little bit less than most other OW who are single and/or have nothing else to worry about than what their AP is doing. I know my POV might not be very popular, but I'm trying to see it from a very pragmatic perspective. Use the affair to your advantage - gain from it whatever you want/can/need. Don't give it more importance than a mere distraction that helps you through some tough times. In the meantime, build your life. And if your affair goes wrong, you will not die from it. Because you can be proud of the life that you have made for yourself in the meantime.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Since you are a mother yourself, I am truly perplexed about how you can sleep with another womans husband when she is at her most vulnerable? And actively pursue a life with someone who has created an innocent soul who will pay dearly for it.

 

There are two children involved who will lose their family. I'll admit I'm struggling with your absence of compassion about this

[Grathblagg]

Since you are a mother yourself, I am truly perplexed about how you can sleep with another womans husband when she is at her most vulnerable? And actively pursue a life with someone who has created an innocent soul who will pay dearly for it.

 

There are two children involved who will lose their family. I'll admit I'm struggling with your absence of compassion about this

 

They don't count. That's why.

[aileD]

He is so happy you are leaving your husband because then he won't have to work around your husband to sneak time with you.

 

Honey he's not going to leave his wife.

 

If you want to know what you really mean to him then tell his wife.

Mwhat eill happen then is you will be dumped like a sack of potatoes and he will be begging his wife to stay and fix things

 

 

Your story is not unique. It's far from it. The counties, the websites, the "sexless marriages", the pregnancies, and the plans to be together, the "instant connection and chemistry".

 

 

It's all been done before many many times over and we've seen it all here. That's how we know exactly what's going to happen.

 

Leave your husband if you are ready to, but don't do it for this guy because he's not going to be your future. He's going to stay with his wife and young family. He will continue to string you along for years because he can with excuse after excuse on why he can't leave.

 

Then his wife will see a text or find out and he will dump you hard and have no contact with you at all and you'll be here for months or years crying about it.

 

Save yourself that pain