springblossoms Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Do you think it is wrong or a form of cheating to get back in touch on a social media platform with old flames that happened decades ago? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 No, as long as you keep it platonic, and let your spouse know about it. If the old flame posts inappropriately give them one warning then block them if they don't behave. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I personally don't...BUT there are exceptions to every rule. . I have several guys on social media, that I had "casually seen" in the start of high school but my H knows & it's not like it's non stop talking to each other..."it's been forever, tell me how your life is going"...only in that context, nothing more. My H & I actually went to meet up for dinner with a old male friend & his wife while on vacation bc of reconnecting on social media. We all even laughed about how horrible our first & only kiss was! So it just depends on each individual situation. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 This CAN be a problem and CAN lead to affairs. It did in my house. I have read many other stories, here and elsewhere, where the "old flame" becomes the AP. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 It's risky. It's not in itself inherently cheating - although, if you intentionally keep it a secret from your partner, then in your head you're already treating it a bit like it's going somewhere naughty. Many old flames, like old highschool friends, have dimmed into faint fondness. It's pleasant - or disappointing - to hear from them briefly, see how their lives have turned out, know that they're doing well. Looking up or contacting an old flame doesn't mean you're trying to leap into bed with them. However, some old flames burn very strongly. If the relationship ended in an unresolved way, if there are still buried feelings on one or both sides, getting in touch can lead to an overwhelming flareup of emotions you thought were long behind you. It can get to full-blown love obsession VERY fast, and flames that still care who meet up in person are almost guaranteed to wind up in bed together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author springblossoms Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 My husband added the old flame to his social media and I'm not sure if this should "urk" me or not. I personally don't have anyone on mine who was any kind of an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 My husband added the old flame to his social media and I'm not sure if this should "urk" me or not. I personally don't have anyone on mine who was any kind of an ex. He's not you, but can he maintain boundaries? I have several exes on social media, AND some I see regularly in real life, too. I can keep boundaries, and don't keep secrets from my spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 My husband added the old flame to his social media and I'm not sure if this should "urk" me or not. I personally don't have anyone on mine who was any kind of an ex. Ask him about her - in a casually interested way rather than an accusing one - and see what his tone is like. It's not necessarily anything bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author springblossoms Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 I don't know. But it's kinda bothering me. Not sure if I should be worried. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I don't know. But it's kinda bothering me. Not sure if I should be worried. Has he cheated or been untrustworthy? Is this woman "the one that got away"? If the answer is yes to either, then you should be annoyed...but if the answers are no, then could it be you're just being insecure? My H told his ex gf that he couldn't be friends with her on social media (we both had past A) bc I wouldn't like it. Now I know most BS would be happy but I wasn't. I could care a less about them being connected on there bc our marriage is the strongest it's been & it made it seem as we don't have a strong, healthy marriage. Everyone is different & you have to figure out why it bothers you...is it his problem or yours. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 Do you think it is wrong or a form of cheating to get back in touch on a social media platform with old flames that happened decades ago? I'm FB friends with several old college girlfriends; none of them were serious long-term relationships. There are some old flames that I choose not to be connected with on social networks. Some online relations are appropriate while others are not. I guess it is a judgement call for both spouses. The flames where hot sex was involved are deemed inappropriate. The old flames that I'm "friends" with are also "friends" with my wife. Both myself and my wife see my old flames in real life semi-regularly and everything is out in the open and highly visible. All spouses are usually present. The same is for my wife. For the same reasons some of her old flames are friends on FB and others are not. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I don't know. But it's kinda bothering me. Not sure if I should be worried. If it bothers you he should drop her. You are uncomfortable for a reason and it's not because you're controlling. These things can ignite. I've seen it happen too often. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whatnotagain Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 In my own personal experience this is a bad idea. It is highly likely that this will not end well for you. Why tempt fate? FWIW, I am one of those people that does not believe in platonic relationships between men and women (absent the spouse or a SO). I held this view way before I was ever cheated on, and having gone through all that, it solidified my view in my mind even further. Your comfort and your security comes first, that's what forsaking all others is all about. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 as long as your partner has access to your face book and theres complete transparency..... and you dont delete messages because you know that they would be upset before they read them ...i would say sure..... but if you arent willing to do that...dont contact old flames.....and if they contact you tell them it probably isnt appropriate that you continue communicating as you are in a relationship and wish them well and thank them for the good memories........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 I have a few exes as facebook friends. Outside of the initial "how have you been?" Talk, there is no other correspondence. Maybe a "like" here or there. But nothing beyond that. As long as it was kept to no correspondence, i wouldnt see a problem with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 Bad idea. Here's an example I've seen too often; the ex breaks up with her own partner. She messages your H for support. The ole' "Remember back when..." story pops up, there's a spark and boom, your perfect marriage is gone. I'm not saying all men cheat, but being a man, I understand when you create a perfect storm of teasing, flirting, some alcohol, boundaries will be crossed. The problem isn't one social media outlet. It's the fact that there's so many platforms that an affair can evolve from (secret Snapchat account, Direct messaging, separate secrete account, etc). If you do ask him to unfriend be prepared for the "What, you don't trust me?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 Let me get this right....you're married and sleep together and share finances and most of all your other life events and you don't feel comfortable talking about social media and adding friends? Does that sound accurate? Step out and engage with your spouse. Ask him, hey I saw you added x....what has she been up to? Anything interesting in her life? If you knew her as well, add her yourself. You are married to him, she's not, Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 My husband added the old flame to his social media and I'm not sure if this should "urk" me or not. Seems to me many MM bored in their marriage, and often of a certain age, start looking up old flames, HS sweethearts, ex gfs, ex wives, crushes, female acquaintances, ex co workers on social media, as they are really looking for an OW. They are looking for someone who may have some residual interest in him so that he can then persuade her to enter into an illicit relationship with him. I have never forgotten you YOU were always the one. I married the wrong woman YOU were always in my thoughts YOU were the love of my life etc. etc. Its like a romantic movie... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 An ex is an ex for a reason, the past is the past, the present is present stay there. Avoiding an ex is like good good oral hygiene and yearly medical check-ups. If you value something you take steps to preserve it. While I understand the objections to the VP refusing to attend events that feature alcohol without his wife and not eating lunch with alone with a woman I think he is wise to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
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