Angry. **Long LONG Post**

[FalseHeart]

Hi all,

 

Been in a relationship going on 6 years. We've had, what I feel, are very serious problems with sex and housekeeping (primarily cleaning and cooking).

 

I knew coming into this relationship that I have a quick temper, so in the first few years, when these problems came up, I worked really hard to bring up things rationally and calmly. My boyfriend would listen and tell me he'll work on changing things he does that I've told him hurt me or that I've told him aren't good hallmarks for our relationship. He'd change for a few weeks or a month and then forget or stop. I'd talk to him again, same thing. We'd go through this cycle three or 4 times, at which point I lose my patience. Once I'm angry, I'm also no longer willing to try and fix whatever the original problem was, I basically tap out.

 

So at this point I confront my bf in a rage, screaming at him for 30 or 45 minutes. AFTER my fit of rage,(which I'm humiliated and feel horrible about for losing my composure and being the stereotypical "over-emotional woman") he changes his ways for like a while, 8 - 12 months. On top of the resignation and humiliation, I also resent that he would not take what I told him seriously before I got to that point.

 

After this first cycle and rage fit, the next time we had a big problem and started falling into this cycle of repetition and short term changes, I made a point to explicitly state "I'm losing my patience, I don't want to keep having this same conversation, if I keep having to bring this up I'm going to lose it." I'm not trying to be intimidating by saying this - I just know myself and my limits and I don't want things to get to that point again so I'm letting him know before we get there. The same thing happened again.

 

This cycle has happenned over 4 or 5 serious problems in our relationship. In our first few years, after an argument, I'd ask him to tell me if he's unhappy or if there are things I do that he wants to address. He always always always said everything's fine,no complaints, he's happy if I'm happy. I didn't believe him but I can't make him talk, so I stopped asking. after a couple of rage fits, in the face of my anger, he'd start throwing out complaints.

 

It's not necessarily that I can't take action from his complaints...but that I don't hear them unless I'm angry at him. That's the only time I hear him address the relationship.

 

I know anger isnt always "right". It's the only thing he responds to. If I ask him nicely he "forgets." If I tell him it's a problem he "forgets." If I'm only slightly irritated he "forgets." Nothing seems to stick until I'm screaming mad. And then, ONLY THEN, does he find it prudent to say "we don't talk." Not "I haven't told him about this problem", mind you - his complaint is always that we just don't talk enough in general. Which has nothing to do with why I'm mad that I can see, because I've talked to him about why I'm mad already several times.

 

The last blowup was a week or so ago, over video games. He was playing 6 hours a night weekdays, nearly entire weekends, for months on end. Of course he's not fully listening to me when I am talking anyway while he's playing video games. I asked him to stop playing for 90 seconds to do something for me. He's in the midddle of some timed group thing, so he can't get up this minute. That may have been fine, but instead of saying this, he lets out this huge sigh of frustration, like I've asked so much of him. I get this response after weeks of buying our groceries, cooking our meals for the week, working 10 hour days for nearly a month, and coming home to essentially be by myself until I go to sleep.

 

This is what I thought of when he gave me this big sigh and said he couldn't do this thing I asked. I tried to just calm down but a few hours later I lost my cool. I basically ignored him for a few days.

 

Now he's loping around the house thinking I overreacted because he's conveniently forgotten the two or three times before the blow up that I talked to him about the d**n video games - THE CONVOS WHERE HE ADMITTED TO MY FACE THAT HE KNOWS HE'S ADDICTED TO THEM. He's trying to just move past it, like nothing happened.

 

It's not right to yell at people and I do everything I can think of to keep myself from getting there. It drives me crazy to work through my emotional reactions to talk to him calmly, to have him acknowledge the problem, to listen to him promise me he'll try and change....only to go through the same thing like 6 or 8 weeks later. It literally drives me INSANE. Before this relationship, my anger never got to the point that I want to break things, so angry that I can't stop myself from screaming once I start. It's a desperate wits end kind of anger. I don't want to be that person, and nothing seems to change unless that's the person I become.

 

I don't know what to do. I tried to stop caring so that I just don't bring up problems at all, but I can't just let things go and still feel romantically for him. I've lost all interest in him sexually, which he's noticed but of course hasn't directly addressed.

 

Like....do I need to just give up for good? When I know my behavior is hurting someone I care about, I address it with that person. I Remember what I promise to do to fix the problem andI stick to what I promised. When I fall short of that promise I admit to that and I try again. I don't depend on the person who's hurt and frustrated to kindly and gently remind me to not hurt or ignore them. That's how I see what he asks of me. He asked me to stop yelling, to just tell him he's playing too much. But I'd already done that, twice already. How many gentle reminders am I responsible for. When is the problem his "forgetfulness" instead of my anger?

 

And that paragraph above, that question? WEVE HAD THAT CONVERSATION TOO. I've talked to him about me always having to be the instigator in the relationship because he never sees a problem with anything. I told him how hard it is for me to always have to put my hurt and anger aside so he can feel comfortable talking about a problem that he does nothing to help fix afterwards anyway.

 

I just....I can't find it in me to have that conversation again. It's so much emotional energy to restrain to hold back to have a blameless discussion about this....only to have nothing change. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, and I know that's just making us more distant from each other but I'm just tired. I'm hoping that by venting here I can unload enough of the frustration to address this with him again soon, but if anyone has been in this situation and made it to a positive outcome, I'd appreciate any suggestions or to hear about how you worked through it with your significant other. Thanks for reading if you made it down here.

[Raena]

This relationship sounds more like a parent-teen relationship than an adult-adult one. He's checked out and not listening to you, doing what he wants when he wants and pushing the limits to see how long he can keep doing what he wants before you blow up and lose it on him in such a way that he can no longer just blatantly ignore you.

 

The one thing I take away from everything you've said in this post is this... you can not change him. The only (adult)person on this planet that you can really control is you. So I ask you... what are you really getting out of this relationship? If you have to repeatedly address the same issues over and over with him with only short term changes and nothing long term then why are you still with him? There was very little in your post about what you love about him, only complaints about how angry he makes you because he will not conform to be who you want him to be or behave in the manner you wish he would behave in.

 

You may feel completely justified in your reactions but if he's making you that angry over and over again, he probably isn't the right guy for you.

 

You either accept him the way he is and let it go or you don't and move on. It's up to you.

[BaileyB]

It does sound like a parent child relationship and I would agree with the previous poster... you can not change him. If you are angry all the time and he is making you this upset, perhaps you need to ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you...

 

The only person you can control or change is yourself and to be honest, it sounds like you need to work on developing your own skills of emotional self regulation. Regardless of the problem, one never has the right to get angry and rage at another person. If you want to look at changing the dynamic of the relationship and making things better in your own life, perhaps you should start with yourself...

[rushed]

OP, you sound a lot like me in my previous relationship. I know I have a temper, and I'm usually pretty good at controlling it. But there was something about my last boyfriend that just kept making me lose it.

 

My problem with him, though, was dirty dishes. When he first moved in with me I told him my one pet peeve was dirty dishes in the sink. I tried all different kinds of ways to get him to take care of his dishes. I'd start off nice. "Hey, babe, can you do me a favor and wash your dishes?" "Hey, love, would you mind doing your dishes?" All of which were met with excuse after excuse. "I worked all day. I'm tired. Can I do them tomorrow?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do them." (Still wouldn't do them.) I tried putting up a list of chores for everyone, which included everyone washing their own dishes. He, in a tantrum, took it down. Night after night, there would be his dirty dishes in the sink when I got home from work. And yep, it evolved into me yelling at him to wash his dirty dishes like a mother yelling at a child. I wasn't happy. He wasn't happy.

 

What eventually made me happy? Breaking up with him.

[aileD]

You can't change someone. You can only accept them as they are or change yourself.

 

Please don't continue in this relationship. What will happen is that you will let resentment build up and on top of that, in your eyes he's breaking your trust by not sticking to the changes and that's huge because you need to be able to trust him with your heart. So you will put up a wall and eventually you will become indifferent to him, and there's no coming back from that.

 

Either change you, learn to truly accept him as he is, or leave

[NTV]

Yes, you should give up.

 

But if you're not ready for that try this route... 'playing video games all the time makes me lose respect for you. I barely respect you at all right now.' Course make sure he isn't playing when you say it.

 

Your anger issues need dealt with. If my girlfriend screamed and yelled at me I would bounce. Quickly. Whether you stay in this relationship or leave you don't want that to be what you're known for. How would you feel if you heard your next boyfriend say to his friends 'yeah she's an awesome girlfriend when she isn't screaming and yelling and fussing at me....'

[ExpatInItaly]

Good heavens, where to start?

 

1) Get counselling for your anger management problems. I am surprised you haven't thought to do so already? A mark of maturity is regulating your emotions, and if you feel you can't, remove yourself from the situation. You are not doing very well in either of those areas. Instead, you are doing an awful lot of justifying and blaming. I don't doubt he makes you upset, and you're certainly not wrong to be angry, but screaming and throwing a tantrum and raging for 45 minutes is, frankly, absurd and childish. No wonder he doesn't listen to you. Who would? You say he only responds when you lose your sh*t, but clearly, that's not true. Otherwise, you wouldn't be writing this thread.

 

2) Never try to Mommy a boyfriend.

 

3) Stop trying to change him. You two are clearly not compatible and it's not working anymore. You're seething and he just doesn't care. You're clearly very unhappy and it looks like your relationship has disintegrated into a power struggle. You're seeing how far you can push to make him someone he isn't, and he's pushing you back every step of the way. You two sound like you don't even like each other.

 

4) End it.

[FalseHeart]

Thanks for responses, everyone.

 

I read that irritability can be a sign of depression, and I know that some of these issues have made me depressed. About a week ago I started taking a mood supplement (5-HTP), and it's working. Whatever nerve these problems kept stepping on seems to have gone numb, I don't feel the anger I've been feeling before. I haven't felt this calm for this long in a long time.

 

Just posting the above in case anyone else reading this is dealing with similar mood problems and struggling to find a solution.

[NTV]

Well thanks for that! I also saw some post over in the dating part of this form that you might be comfortable chipping in on?

 

Sometimes helping others with their relationship problems leads you to your own solution quicker and easier. Not sure why that is... lol

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it possible that the mismatch in styles and loss of sexual connection means your relationship has run its course? Six years is a long time to invest in something that doesn't seem to bring you much happiness...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gemma1]

Just curious - what were the issues prior to the video games? You said you've blown up at him 4 or 5 times in the 6 years. Do you remember what the prior blow ups were about?

 

I'm not trying to pin this all on your or anything, the video game thing would REALLY get to me also. But I'm just wondering if the video games are his way of dealing with a bad situation. Either way, he isn't driving you to these anger fits. You are driving yourself to these fits by staying with someone who is clearly incompatible with you. You may be the adult in your relationship but you need to mature a little more and end this relationship that is clearly bringing out the worst in you.