Dating again after heartbreak is rough. Tips?

[kel224]

It's been 5 months since my ex-gf broke up with me/left me to be with another guy. I'm a pretty sensitive dude-it was very hard for me but I've mostly been able to see this as a really good chance for growth and self-understanding.

 

I've made some great changes in my life and I'm proud of that. But I still have some pretty rough days, especially the days I run into my ex and the guy she left me for. A mixture of missing what I had and residual hard feelings for how things ended-she was my best friend and I never imagined we'd leave on such bad terms if it didn't work out. Sometimes I worry that it will be hard for me to open up and become emotionally vulnerable again in a relationship.

 

I haven't practiced my dating skills in over 3 years (not that I was ever a Casanova, lol), but I think having a romantic life again will be good for me in moving past this last relationship. A couple of bad dates recently have reminded me how hard dating is, especially for me. No second dates yet... I'm on the shy side until I get to know someone, so it's hard for me to relax and let my good qualities come through on a first date. I'm considered handsome, (~ an 8 according to past gfs) and I think this helps me get my foot in the door with women but after that I seem to always fumble the ball. I'm also very bad at knowing when a girl is into me. I've mostly been trying online dating (including tinder, which I realize I can't take too seriously) since my social circle shrunk after starting grad school/started dating my ex-gf.

 

Can anyone else relate to the struggle of dating again after a the end of a serious relationship? I suppose 5 months out of a 3-year relationship is still a little early, but for the first time in life I'm feeling some anxiety about being alone forever. I'm 28, and it seems harder every year to meet new people. Tips?

Edited April 7, 2017 by kel224

[Telemachus]

It isn't just dating; people tend to form fewer new friendships in life starting at about age 26. After 40, it really drops off.

 

Remove the pressure on yourself to date and be partnered-up. You see where that got you - a bad breakup. Let it happen organically. If you're open to it, eventually it will. Forget about being an 8 in the looks department - it means almost nothing.

 

The things women consistently list as being most important in a relationship have nothing to do whether you look more like Brad Pitt or Steve Buscemi. Confidence, a sense of humor that she gets, kindness, and trustworthiness/honesty all rank much higher. Both men and women rate these things highly in seeking prospective partners. Physically, the most important thing is that you be at least a little taller than she is. Are you willing to take her dancing? Also a big plus.

 

A hot-looking guy who's rude to the waitress or impatient with the cashier at the movie theater is never going to get a second date. The first one may even end very early.

 

If you're not meeting women you'd like to ask out, then make yourself into a more attractive person - learn a new language or two, or teach one you already know to adult learners. Finish your studies and earn a few promotions at work by being good at what you do while giving others credit for their contributions - you'll get noticed in favorable ways, and you'll finding yourself traveling in new circles.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I can't get a date if my life depended on it, and the women I do want to date wish I didn't exist, so you're doing much better man!

 

Keep your head up and soldier on. You'll find her.

[SevenCity]

Dude, you are me but not as bad off.

 

My ex gf dumped me after 7 years soon before I was going to ask her to marry me. Between her and my ex wife I hadn't dated in 17 years.

 

 

I didn't want to wait until I was fully "healed" as most here will tell you. Truth is, you'll never fully heal until you meet someone who is better. I started dating about 2 months after (and was still devastated).

 

 

The other part, as you are experiencing now, is you will F up a lot due to being out of practice. Just like anything in life you have to practice if you want to get good at it.

 

 

 

I can't stress this enough....get Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man" and watch his videos on YouTube. He coaches on how to act on dates and in a RL and really explores the psychology of women. It has helped me tremendously. I'm at a point now where if there is mutual attraction I am positive I can sleep with the girl if I want and no longer worry I'm gonna screw it up. Success with women also helps with getting other women. You don't put too much stock in one and it is very attractive to them (many women here will say differently but women will often think they respond better to what they "want" and the reality is they don't).

 

It's not about being a PUA, rather being confident and reading the signs of attraction and just playing your part. You would be amazed at the success you get by just letting them open up and do very little of the talking. What you'll find though is there are a lot of women you don't want to be in a RL with.

 

 

I don't take all his stuff as gospel and apply based on my experience but the foundation makes you screw up a lot less and get girls excited to go out with you again.

 

It's easy to get sex, it's much more difficult to find someone with which you want to develop a relationship. Corey also teaches warning signs to look out for with women. I have one now that is already complaining I don't make enough time for her....and we only had one date! In years past I might have been flattered by this behavior but now I recognize it for what it is - a huge red flag.

 

That's tough having to see your ex with another guy but at least you know the door is closed on that RL and can move onto better.

 

The important thing is you meet as many women as you can. You would be amazed at how different they are with some being selfish psychos to others being sweethearts. It's a numbers game but you're still young and that increases your chances exponentially of finding what you want.

 

Also check out Craig Kenneth's videos on YouTube. He has a lot of similar advice to Corey but in a less harsh tone.

 

Time and practice are you friends here. I'm amazed at how far I've come in 7 months.