What do you people mean when they say 'You're too nice'?

[lostandlonely2]

I am a nice guy, but I sometimes wonder what people mean when they say 'You're too nice'?

 

Is it a kind of insult? Saying that I am too dumb to know if I should be nice or not?

Edited April 7, 2017 by lostandlonely2

[carhill]

I got that lesson around puberty. Knocked some teeth in and the condescending 'nice' comments ended and some respect ensued. With women it took longer because, well, they're women.

 

Basically, it's boundaries between being selfish and selfless. Most of us are selfish, bending the world to our id, though in a way that makes people feel good, even if only situationally. Those are known variously as social skills or charisma. Either by wiring or some failure of socialization, some of us don't get that message burned or programmed in and we forever spend our lives 'outside' of ourselves. At best, it can be debilitating; at worst, quite dangerous, even deadly, because of a lack of prioritizing self over others.

 

In the end we're all equally insignificant. The universe cares not about our existence. We do care, or should care, while we're alive anyway. Part of being a conscious, self-aware being.

 

Lastly, there's some fear involved. Fear of being labeled 'not nice' or 'rude' or 'mean' or whatever negative adjective of the day is. Once that fear of social shunning is overcome, life proceeds in a healthier fashion. We don't get a reward at the end for being nice. We get dead, just like those who were selfish jerks. Interesting, isn't it? And they sucked us dry in life besides. Why sign up for that?

[lostandlonely2]

Thanks, Carhill

 

I agree, "In the end we're all equally insignificant. The universe cares not about our existence." so I do not tend to take it personally, as I know we are all 'insignificant' and will die no matter what we do... I just like being nicer, than being meaner.

 

For example, if someone is rude to me, I don't like to reply in kind, I try and make the best of the situation. But then people say, 'you're too nice'. I just don't want to be an a$$%ole like the person who is being rude. I have 'tried' it a couple of times in my life, and it ends of making me feel 'dirty' and 'angry' that I let myself drop to that level

 

Anyway, thanks for replying... I also agree with the social stigma of being labeled 'rude', as I also have Aspergers and try to make sure I am always being 'socially acceptable' as I can be quite rude unintentionally if I don't watch it.

 

For example, one time I told a friend that their hair cut looked much better than their old one, and that they should keep going with this style. I ended up hurting their feelings (obviously) as I was basically saying that their old haircut was crap, but to me, I was trying to help encourage them with the new style they got goin' on

[todreaminblue]

When people say you are too nice.or too good for me........its normally true..you are too nice for them...too good for them ...good is good.....most people who want good in their lives want to keep it...most people who wan nice in their lives want to keep it......and you need to find someone who si as magic as you are...

 

or some people actually truly believe and this is rarer...actually have an extreme inferiority complex that makes them feel never good enough for anyone....or the person they love....

 

 

or it can be a patronizing fob....a person says trying to make the other person feel better about rejection by misguided but well intentioned souls.....

 

or it can be totally opposite....

 

if someone says you are too nice or too kind..or too gentle.......they are actually appreciating who you are, that they are acknowledging they feel inferior...... and cannot believe someone can be that nice to them...these people need nice ...they need kind...and they need you normally

 

fi soemone says you are nice or you are kind....they are respectful and recognising they too like you are nice and kind..they are the same as you..and they are socially resposnible with sound etiquette........tonal qualties of how peopel say things can be heard in their inflections....and sincerity in their face.........but not as easily in words on a screen...theres a disconnect that makes it ....hazy.....so you go by context of their post..........deb

Edited April 7, 2017 by todreaminblue

[truthtripper]

People often tell me I'm "gentle". Interestingly, they are also the people who bully me. So, they are really saying(subconsciously) that I need to strengthen my personal boundaries and stand up for myself. I would perceive "too nice" as meaning the same thing.

[SpiralOut]

They might mean that you're easy to take advantage of, or they at least worry that someone will take advantage of your kindness. Maybe you don't say no when you should, or maybe you give people too many chances. I'm just guessing of course, but that's what comes to mind.

 

People have always told me that I'm "really nice," but I also got walked on a lot. There's nothing wrong with being nice so long as you know where to draw the line and protect yourself.

Edited April 7, 2017 by SpiralOut

[bathtub-row]

Just be yourself and don't try to change for others. If being too nice is affecting your personal life, then you probably want to look at that. It usually means you don't stand up for yourself and others don't respect you.

[lostandlonely2]

Thanks everyone... good food for thought!

[Sweetfish]

They might mean that you're easy to take advantage of, or they at least worry that someone will take advantage of your kindness. Maybe you don't say no when you should, or maybe you give people too many chances. I'm just guessing of course, but that's what comes to mind.

 

People have always told me that I'm "really nice," but I also got walked on a lot. There's nothing wrong with being nice so long as you know where to draw the line and protect yourself.

 

 

Too nice means your easily molded by other people. This means you don't have character and your surroundings dictate your character. If someone needs help you will always say yes or show almost a flawless character.

 

People like individuals with a blend of character traits and unpredictablity. Instead of investing in your own character, you may seek to please others needs and hide your character flaws to perceive others as perfect and no ones is pure and holsum.

 

Most celebrities are loved for the imperfections.. this is why bad boys or bad girls get more attention.

 

Biologically, humans seek security and being too nice does not promote strong decision making skills, leadership, or strength.

 

Start taking stock in your self and accept your flaws. Tell people no, don't be a superman or that guy who helps everyone.. if anything the broken hero is much better. (Think batman)

 

Stop being too nice as it will make others around you hide their true nature and their flaws.

 

If these people hide their flaws and you hide your flaws and you'll never get into deep emotional bonds with others..

 

You have thus built a shield that prevents you from having deep emotional bond with others without even knowning it.

 

Hope that helps..

 

Sweety fish

[mightycpa]

I think it means that you try too hard to please other people, and whether it's true or not, it comes across like you're trying to "buy in" to a friendship or a romance with your actions.

 

I've known two people who jump to mind:

 

One, she was genuinely nice. Never said a bad word about anybody, was always around to help, would easily meet people, talk to them, you name it. Mayor of the town, if you will. But she never came across like she was trying to ingratiate herself with you. There was a genuine confidence, like, she didn't need you, she was just there to enjoy your company or help you out. Never expected anything in return.

 

The other, he was nice too. Would bend over backwards to help, always volunteered if things needed doing, was quick to greet and say hello, but did not possess that same air of confidence. Therefore, he would hang around like a barnacle after helping without having genuinely made any friends. He always would come across like he was taking your temperature, asking if earned the privilege of being a friend because of whatever he had done. Had he done enough? Hated when he'd come sniffing around.

 

The first friend, she was just nice. Totally nice. The second one, he was "too nice", which I guess means "acting nicer than he really was... wanted something in return for being nice" which I guess means he was needy.

 

If you're getting that kind of feedback, that's what it probably means. You're not coming across like you're being genuine, at least in my experience.

[SpiralOut]

Too nice means your easily molded by other people. This means you don't have character and your surroundings dictate your character. If someone needs help you will always say yes or show almost a flawless character.

 

People like individuals with a blend of character traits and unpredictablity. Instead of investing in your own character, you may seek to please others needs and hide your character flaws to perceive others as perfect and no ones is pure and holsum.

 

Most celebrities are loved for the imperfections.. this is why bad boys or bad girls get more attention.

 

Biologically, humans seek security and being too nice does not promote strong decision making skills, leadership, or strength.

 

Start taking stock in your self and accept your flaws. Tell people no, don't be a superman or that guy who helps everyone.. if anything the broken hero is much better. (Think batman)

 

Stop being too nice as it will make others around you hide their true nature and their flaws.

 

If these people hide their flaws and you hide your flaws and you'll never get into deep emotional bonds with others..

 

You have thus built a shield that prevents you from having deep emotional bond with others without even knowning it.

 

Hope that helps..

 

Sweety fish

 

Are you directing this advice at me, or are you agreeing with what I said? Just wondering.

Edited April 8, 2017 by SpiralOut

[Sweetfish]

Are you directing this advice at me or agreeing with what I said? Just wondering.

 

 

No.. i agree with.. nothing wrong with being nice.. I simply qouted your post because it was the last post i saw lol

[SpiralOut]

No.. i agree with.. nothing wrong with being nice.. I simply qouted your post because it was the last post i saw lol

 

Okay fair enough.

[Pete2304]

I've had a well documented on here rough marriage and yet over Xmas and for a few months after we gave it another go. Was sat there one night with her and she turned and asked " why the hell are you with me?" Long and short I'd taken her back so many times after she'd cheated and lied that she had lost all respect for me.

 

In my mind I figured she would love me for it but in reality the opposite was true and a couple of days later we broke up for what will be the last time​.

 

Now I'm the nicest, most polite bloke you could meet but one thing I've discovered is that doesn't get you very far because deep down nobody is perfect so since then I've just been myself, failings and all and have actually been asked out a couple of times. I've said no because I'm not in any way over my wife but seems it pays to let the imperfections be part of your personality.

[todreaminblue]

I've had a well documented on here rough marriage and yet over Xmas and for a few months after we gave it another go. Was sat there one night with her and she turned and asked " why the hell are you with me?" Long and short I'd taken her back so many times after she'd cheated and lied that she had lost all respect for me.

 

In my mind I figured she would love me for it but in reality the opposite was true and a couple of days later we broke up for what will be the last time​.

 

Now I'm the nicest, most polite bloke you could meet but one thing I've discovered is that doesn't get you very far because deep down nobody is perfect so since then I've just been myself, failings and all and have actually been asked out a couple of times. I've said no because I'm not in any way over my wife but seems it pays to let the imperfections be part of your personality.

 

no nice i snot perfection nice is trying....in spite of imperfections..because evennice people have bad days......where they arent as kind as they should be ....where they dont listen...where they dont forgive.....where the have resentment...when they feel really angry..........to be nice is right...nice is not a dirty word...its a good word......so is forgiving......its whats right to do ..

 

 

.but everybody has a limit...some people take longer to reach it before they go hey ....choose to treat me right or its over......nice is not weakness...its hard to be nice to those who abuse your ways.......

 

its easy to be nice when you are treated right...but that aint truly nice......

 

 

truly nice is when you can be beautiful to someone who is being ugly to you..

 

 

 

im working on this one..i tend to go off i get abused too much and i go nah next person is going to cop it and thats not fair.....

 

 

 

....i am a nice person...i am also a lover of justice and can be fiercely protective of my rights to be who i am....i can be a formidable enemy......i have my limits......they are extremely high....but if i had enough.....people normally back down...or its a fight....

 

 

 

i dont like fighting at all....ill do my best to run before i fight........but ill go all the way if i have to fight ..if you threaten me back it up with actions...if you try to harm my children or those i love and care for...i would die for a stranger on the street if no one else else would stand up for them.....so with my loved ones and friends...ill go further.......... ...kill me first......they would have to..because they wont get through me if i am alive...i will get back up....never been knocked out cold yet.....been really dizzy though..........so ...nice ..is not weakness.....its a strength..im not trying to be arrogant bu ti do know my strengths among my many flaws........i dislike it when people portray nice as a deficit..its right to be nice.....nice guys...are the best soldiers and leaders...they are stronger than many....nice is not weakness........deb.

Edited April 8, 2017 by todreaminblue

[lostandlonely2]

Thanks everyone... I think my problem is that I do have Aspergers, and as such, know that I offend people unintentionally all of the time, so I try and be 'over-nice' to make sure they know my intention is not being rude I should and do have to 'let more of myself' out and not try and please everyone, but I'll probably just end up being more alone! lol

[Medsop]

I am a nice guy, but I sometimes wonder what people mean when they say 'You're too nice'?

 

Is it a kind of insult? Saying that I am too dumb to know if I should be nice or not?

 

 

I can only speak in regards to women and it can mean there is nothing edgy about you. Not making any moves on the date and not going in for the kiss at the end of the date. Very predictable.

[Pete2304]

no nice i snot perfection nice is trying....in spite of imperfections..because evennice people have bad days......where they arent as kind as they should be ....where they dont listen...where they dont forgive.....where the have resentment...when they feel really angry..........to be nice is right...nice is not a dirty word...its a good word......so is forgiving......its whats right to do ..

 

 

.but everybody has a limit...some people take longer to reach it before they go hey ....choose to treat me right or its over......nice is not weakness...its hard to be nice to those who abuse your ways.......

 

its easy to be nice when you are treated right...but that aint truly nice......

 

 

truly nice is when you can be beautiful to someone who is being ugly to you..

 

 

 

im working on this one..i tend to go off i get abused too much and i go nah next person is going to cop it and thats not fair.....

 

 

 

....i am a nice person...i am also a lover of justice and can be fiercely protective of my rights to be who i am....i can be a formidable enemy......i have my limits......they are extremely high....but if i had enough.....people normally back down...or its a fight....

 

 

 

i dont like fighting at all....ill do my best to run before i fight........but ill go all the way if i have to fight ..if you threaten me back it up with actions...if you try to harm my children or those i love and care for...i would die for a stranger on the street if no one else else would stand up for them.....so with my loved ones and friends...ill go further.......... ...kill me first......they would have to..because they wont get through me if i am alive...i will get back up....never been knocked out cold yet.....been really dizzy though..........so ...nice ..is not weakness.....its a strength..im not trying to be arrogant bu ti do know my strengths among my many flaws........i dislike it when people portray nice as a deficit..its right to be nice.....nice guys...are the best soldiers and leaders...they are stronger than many....nice is not weakness........deb.

 

This was after editing?

[todreaminblue]

This was after editing?

 

point being...are you being sarcastic?

 

write what you mean be blunt give me some context.....dont be nice....say more......its easy to write one ambiguous sentence and feel superior......show me your superiority at length.....educate me why you felt the need to write what you did...in more than one paragraph..with more than one concept.....be as nasty as you wish to be...im sure you will have back up in this thread...so feel free...or was this just you joking...if it was i apologize.....there is your out .....you can put it on me....my lack of humor..i am sure that many might find your put down attractive and funny.....deb

 

 

ps edited this to add two things...one i am a dyslexic typist......two i edit also to add points because i am ocd about things i am passionate about

3.if this was reverse psychology to prove a point about nastiness by singling me out because i love nice and making me feel on show by quoting my whole post.......i still love the word and the concept and nice and try to live it.....even with poor typing skills and loads of ellipses........and ...you really are...not very nice.....the fourth thing i will add in another edit is i am sorry two things wasnt enough......see the use of ellipses.....number five...i shouldnt feel liek i have to explain mysefl fro a five word put down/.....but i do it anyway....i woudl prefer you not be mean back....but do it anyway..........deb

Edited April 9, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Pete2304]

And I thought my ex wife was hard work!! Honestly I meant nothing by it just trying to lighten the mood we are all fed up but please don't think i meant any offence.

[amaysngrace]

Being too nice means that you turn the other cheek for them to slap that side of your face too.

[todreaminblue]

And I thought my ex wife was hard work!! Honestly I meant nothing by it just trying to lighten the mood we are all fed up but please don't think i meant any offence.

 

yes i am hard work sometimes..it is not my intention to be hard for others...and i feel soemtimes not all the time...i am worth the effort it takes to understand me........thank you for clarifying..i appreciate it....it did offend me...and i am sorry that i jumped to conclusions..in the past on love shack i have been ridiculed for my posting style....my mistakes and my ellipses.and i can be defensive....i do appreciate honesty...and i appreciate your reply...i can relax now...and wish you well...deb