My Best Friend is My AP...

[Kat Keller]

Let me preface this by saying that I am not under any fairytale delusions about affairs. Iunderstand the nature of affairs, I know the statistics behind them, and Iabsolutely understand that an extramarital affair is not something to glorify.However, I’m involved in a relationship with a married man. Here is some backgroundand why I’m on this website.

 

 

He and I are both married with children and are content to stay married and raise ourchildren with our spouses. We both actively support one another in every waythat we can. Especially regarding our home lives because we both need it. Weboth love our respective spouses but are not in love with them. Both ourmarriages have been emotionally and sexually distant for some time. We aredeeply in love with each other. Neither of us suffers from guilt about ouraffair and have every intention of continuing it.

 

Outside of the affair aspect, he and I are best friends so with or without us crossing this line we would have been in each other's lives. The support we give to one anothercomes from that perspective as well. We both make it a point not to disparagethe other’s spouse regardless of our personal feelings about them. We agreed tonot do such things early on and have stuck to that position. I don’t feel angrywith his wife because she’s married to him. I don’t find any value in such athing but I will say that I’m not fond of her which has zero to do with thefact that she’s married to him.

 

 

So why I am Ihere seeking support? Well, I find myself struggling with some aspects of lifeas an AP. A lot has been going on in his life recently as he’s been extraordinarily busy with work (he’s the Vice President of a company and he’s overseeing a new project), their kids which most of their homework help and activities falls to him, his wife’s latest overly dramatic crisis, blow up, or complaint, and a recent family crisis. I personally believe that himself,children, wife, and career should always come before me. He doesn’t agree. He stated he refuses to rank things in that manner because I’m the love of his life and he will make me a priority WITH those things. I can say he absolutely goes about that with actions not just words.

 

 

But, I’ve been curtailing it. For instance, tonight we were supposed to have a date. We talked earlier today (we usually talk on the phone or text all day and evening) but earlier this evening he didn’t get back to me for several hours. I know that means he’s been dealing with a lot and is tired. In response to him, I sent hima text and told him that I was canceling. He wanted to know why. I didn’t feel like getting into it because I know he’d tell me to meet him anyway (as usualand we’d go around and around in circles about it) so I just told him I wanted to skip it.

 

 

He did not respond. I know when he doesn’t respond that means he’s disappointed and I get very emotional when he’s disappointed whether I’m the cause of it (which is rare) or not. I am certain that he knows the real reason that I canceled because I’ve done it before. We’ve discussed it and he stated that he doesn’twant me to cancel our times together for his sake. He says that spending timewith me in any capacity helps him in every aspect of his emotional well-being which pull him through rough times. I get that but at the same time shouldn’t I be concerned with him having time for himself or just to rest?

 

 

I can’t reasonably ask for more than he does for me which is a lot and so I don’t. I’ve been trying very hard to be understanding and supportive without complaining about any of it because I understand that this the price of an affair. Yet, I find myself feeling sad and in tears these days. Why? Well, I miss him when we can’t be together, because he deals with so much constantly, and is just exhausted at times. I feel very sad that his wife hurts him with cutting words and emotional blackmail which makes him feel compelled to try harder to please her just to keep the peace. I know he tries very hard to keep please her and doesn’t even get so much as a thank you. He’s usually met with criticism about how he didn’t do it well enough, fast enough, or to her expectations which is frustrating and painful for him considering she doesn’t do a quarter of what he does during the day for her work, their kids, or their home life.

 

On top of all of hat, he goes above and beyond to make me feel valued and loved. He also makes time for me every single day and a few times a week invites me on dates with him. What bothers me is that I don’t like that I’m another person in his life that he needs to accommodate so I try not to put any pressure on him. Instead, I try to create an environment of love, acceptance, praise, and zero pressure for him to do anything for me. He doesn’t like it. He tells me that I am a very important part of his life (he refers to me as his life partner) and that I’m not some afterthought.

 

He specifically has asked me to stop putting my needs and wants from him off and replacing that with being overly generous and accommodating to him. He says appreciates me forbeing so selfless but he doesn’t find it fair because we are a team and this shouldn’t be about just me being his outlet. He pointed out several times now that I am the first person he calls if there is a problem, emergency, or struggle he’s having so that it’s absurd for me to think I should take a back seat inhis life as he sees me as the love of his life. I’m not sure what to do here because all I’m trying to do is be a good partner, I think.

 

I love him verymuch and I just want to take care of him. He doesn’t get any kind of emotional support in his marriage, little to no affection, and there is a freeze on intercourse in their marriage (her decision not his). Just typing that has made me tear up because I don’t like that he deals with that day in and day out. I feel like I need to be the one place he can come to feel completely loved, not rejected sexually, valued, and accepted for exactly who he is in just the way that he is. He states to me regularly that I’m the only person he’s ever felt comfortable with enough to be completely and entirely himself so if he lost me it would break him because to finally find that then to have it taken away…he says he doesn’t see how he could ever recover.

 

Note: Yes, I have tried to end our romantic relationship in the past. Not because he did anything wrong but because I didn’t like this added pressure of maintaining an affair with me added to his life. I just wanted to his supportive best friend. He couldn’t handle it became hysterical and the truth is it devastated me as well. We both cried in each other’s arms and made a pact to never break up. He made me swear it and I did.

 

Like me, he’s a very private person so he doesn’t talk to others about his marriage or his struggles. He only talks to me about them, he says that’s how it should be because I’m his best friend and no one else can fill that role for him. He wants me to reciprocate and I find it difficult to do now because I don’t want him worried about me so I tend to not tell him everything that may be bothering me. I don’t have any outlet to discuss this situation and my feelings about it because normally I'd go to him as he's my best friend but it's too close. He and I have agreed that we must not ever discuss our affair with anyone that we know personally. Yet, I need to be able to get my feelings out. So, I’m here for that and hopefully some gain reasonable feedback on this matter since it doesn’t violate my agreement with him. Thank you in advance for reading this and any comments.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Kat Keller
Font issues/corrections

[somanymistakes]

 

He did not respond. I know when he doesn’t respond that means he’s disappointed and I get very emotional when he’s disappointed whether I’m the cause of it (which is rare) or not. I am certain that he knows the real reason that I canceled because I’ve done it before. We’ve discussed it and he stated that he doesn’twant me to cancel our times together for his sake. He says that spending timewith me in any capacity helps him in every aspect of his emotional well-being which pull him through rough times. I get that but at the same time shouldn’t I be concerned with him having time for himself or just to rest?

 

 

You can be concerned, but he's an adult and can make his own choices, even if they're unwise ones. By overruling his plans and canceling for him, you might either make him feel that he's being treated like a child who doesn't know what's good for him, or like a failure who was unable to get enough done in time to be with you. That might make him more stressed rather than less.

 

If you actually want to make him feel better, it might be better to offer to do calmer, quieter things with him at times when you feel like he's really tired. Just being with someone (and cuddling, if you're touchy people) can be very soothing and more relaxing to some people than being left alone. It's possible that he'd rather rest with someone.

[Kat Keller]

You can be concerned, but he's an adult and can make his own choices, even if they're unwise ones. By overruling his plans and canceling for him, you might either make him feel that he's being treated like a child who doesn't know what's good for him, or like a failure who was unable to get enough done in time to be with you. That might make him more stressed rather than less.

 

If you actually want to make him feel better, it might be better to offer to do calmer, quieter things with him at times when you feel like he's really tired. Just being with someone (and cuddling, if you're touchy people) can be very soothing and more relaxing to some people than being left alone. It's possible that he'd rather rest with someone.

 

Thank you for responding. I appreciate your perspective. I didn't look at it as "overruling" his plans considering he wanted to spend time with me. I kind of saw it as me canceling our plans since I'm part of the equation. But I see your point.

 

 

Yes, we are "touchy" people (that made me smile, thanks). I suppose I just worried about him being able to function the next day. He's been so tired lately. And even if he does come out to see me...well, he needs to go back that night in most cases and well me as well for that matter.

 

 

But you know...you make an excellent point. He does like resting with me. He says that all the time. I get myself all worked up about his well-being though and I tend to try hard to "take care" of him because he takes care of everyone else and no one really actually looks out for him that way besides me.

[Doublegold]

But you know...you make an excellent point. He does like resting with me. He says that all the time. I get myself all worked up about his well-being though and I tend to try hard to "take care" of him because he takes care of everyone else and no one really actually looks out for him that way besides me.

 

I can relate to pretty much all that you wrote except I am not married (been there did that for a long long time) and my children are grown adults and his are not. The quote above is pretty much spot on as well.

 

Curious how long the affair has been? Because right now you appear to have it all figured out, but things can/will change with time. No doubt.

 

Take care.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Doublegold

[Kat Keller]

But you know...you make an excellent point. He does like resting with me. He says that all the time. I get myself all worked up about his well-being though and I tend to try hard to "take care" of him because he takes care of everyone else and no one really actually looks out for him that way besides me.

 

I can relate to pretty much all that you wrote except I am not married (been there did that for a long long time) and my children are grown adults and his are not. The quote above is pretty much spot on as well.

 

Curious how long the affair has been? Because right now you appear to have it all figured out, but things can/will change with time. No doubt.

 

Take care.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for responding.

 

 

I have some questions for you since you relate.

 

 

1. Is there a thread where I can read your story?

 

 

2. How do you handle what I described is my concern? (Meaning how do you approach concerns about his well-being with him? )

 

 

3. If you don't have a thread for your story that I can read on my own...how long have you maintained your relationship?

 

 

To answer your question and comments:

 

 

The actual romantic relationship has been going on for over two years but we've been best friends for a total of six years and a few months. I would say prior to the last two years that one could make the case that we were in an emotional affair for much longer. But actually crossing into the realm of that into intercourse , divulging declarations of being in love, and "couple-hood" so to speak has been in the last two years.

 

 

I'm not of the mindset that I have it all figured out regarding the romantic relationship we share but I would say that there is no real mystery to me about our friendship. I think it helped that we are best friends so we basically had no real surprises going on about the state of each other's lives, how we view affairs, or much of anything else for that matter. Those were all crystal clear prior... so maybe that could be why it seems like I have it all figured out. However, I think if I had every aspect of the actual romantic relationship figured out then I wouldn't have posted my story wondering if anyone related to my specific situation. It's great that you do and took the time to reply. So thank you so much.

 

 

Given, I knew it was a long shot posting it considering most threads I've read here seem to be complaints by an AP in serious internal opposition with the affair itself, struggles with guilt, or frustrations about when the married AP is leaving his or her spouse to be with them. Obviously, none of those situations apply to my current situation.

 

 

I absolutely agree that things change...things have clearly changed in the past six years and we've rolled along with them but AS FRIENDS so this is different territory, I believe. I will say other than my concerns for him and me trying to do things to "protect" and "care for him"...we really just don't have hang ups in our relationship. But, I'm very cognizant of the fact that as life continues circumstances will change and approach will need to be adjusted.

[freengreen]

You say you are not in a fairytale... but your post just sounds like one.

 

Armoured knight with beautiful heart

A princess who belives the above

A vamp who disrrupts their love...

 

I am sorry if I sounded mean. I just wanted to write what i felt. For me you are so deep in it, my advice of 'please just get out of it already' wont make sense to you. But affairs are wrong at many levels. Turn your affair into a real relationship ot turn it down.

[BuddyX]

"He did not respond. I know when he doesn’t respond that means he’s disappointed and I get very emotional when he’s disappointed whether I’m the cause of it (which is rare) or not. I am certain that he knows the real reason that I canceled because I’ve done it before."

 

I'm just imagining two high school kids. I.e. I don't respond. He gets mad. I get mad that he's mad..."

[Kat Keller]

You say you are not in a fairytale... but your post just sounds like one.

 

Armoured knight with beautiful heart

A princess who belives the above

A vamp who disrrupts their love...

 

I am sorry if I sounded mean. I just wanted to write what i felt. For me you are so deep in it, my advice of 'please just get out of it already' wont make sense to you. But affairs are wrong at many levels. Turn your affair into a real relationship ot turn it down.

 

Thank you for your opinion. We clearly have a different concept of fairytales! I don't see your post as mean but I see it as misguided and misdirected. For the record, I don't see him as an armored knight, I'm not a princess (but the notion makes me chuckle) and I don't see his wife as any vamp that disrupts our love.

 

 

He's a married man who happens to be my best friend and made the conscious decision to become involved in an romantic relationship with me. I'm a married woman who happens to be his best friend and made the conscious decision to become involved in a romantic relationship with him. His wife is a woman who he opted to marry and have a family with (just as I did with my own husband) and I don't see her as my nemesis or some villain disrupting what I have with him.

 

 

Furthermore, she has no power over our love one way or the other. The only people who do are he and I. So I don't have any petty issues with her over the simple fact that she's married to him. To me, to take some issue with her solely because she's his wife is pointless and animosity that I just simply don't feel. The man has been my best friend for years. I knew he was married when we became friends and he knew that I was when we become friends. If I couldn't handle the fact that he's married, I would have never become friends with him at all years prior.

 

 

I respect that you feel affairs are wrong. I don't condone affairs but I don't condemn all of them either as I don't see every affair situation as exactly the same because situations and circumstances vary. My relationship with him is very real (and since it is MY relationship with him then I'm the best judge of the authenticity of it besides him) and as I said in my OP that we have every intention of continuing it. Even if we stopped being romantically involved or had never gotten romantically involved, I've been his best friend for years so I was a huge part of his life and vice versa before anyway.

 

 

I am not looking for advice regarding ending the continuation of my relationship with him because that's not an issue for us since we are both in agreement about having an extramarital relationship with each other indefinitely. But I'm very well aware of the possibility that things can change.

[elaine567]

For me you are so deep in it, my advice of 'please just get out of it already' wont make sense to you. ...Turn your affair into a real relationship it turn it down.

 

I agree, you are in deep.

 

Here, he doesn't like you making decisions for him about when he can or cannot see you. That is not your place as the OW. He doesn't respond to punish you. Classic MM behaviour.

 

Why are you really finding yourself "sad and in tears"?

 

If you were being completely honest with yourself, is this affair no longer enough for you? You probably want more of him, if not all of him...

With your "adult" and rational hat on, you are maybe trying to convince yourself you don't, but maybe you do, and is that really why you are now finding yourself upset?

Like many men in affairs he probably likes the status quo, are you really happy in the OW position or has he just convinced you to stay there?

 

OR perhaps you really want out, you are after all making excuses to distance yourself from him, but you can't leave him, because it would "disappoint" him too much and he said he cannot live without you and you promised you would never leave him...

All very "romantic"...but all a bit manipulative on his part too.

Is the burden of dealing with this "weak" man who NEEDS you, just getting too much for you? Are you starting to resent him for choosing his "awful" wife over the kind and caring you...?

 

YOU seem to paint this idyllic picture, but you are not really very happy are you?

 

Watch this.

[Kat Keller]

"He did not respond. I know when he doesn’t respond that means he’s disappointed and I get very emotional when he’s disappointed whether I’m the cause of it (which is rare) or not. I am certain that he knows the real reason that I canceled because I’ve done it before."

 

I'm just imagining two high school kids. I.e. I don't respond. He gets mad. I get mad that he's mad..."

 

He wasn't angry and neither was I.

 

 

He called me this morning like he does every morning and we talked as per usual. He got some rest last night since we weren't going out. I'm glad that he did. He expressed that he appreciates my concern for him, that he wasn't disappointed in me, stated that he missed seeing me and is looking forward to getting together.

 

 

We are going out tonight and will spend all of next week together as planned. I'm happy with the outcome. I just wanted him to get some rest and he did.

[Kat Keller]

I agree, you are in deep.

 

Here, he doesn't like you making decisions for him about when he can or cannot see you. That is not your place as the OW. He doesn't respond to punish you. Classic MM behaviour.

 

Why are you really finding yourself "sad and in tears"?

 

If you were being completely honest with yourself, is this affair no longer enough for you? You probably want more of him, if not all of him...

With your "adult" and rational hat on, you are maybe trying to convince yourself you don't, but maybe you do, and is that really why you are now finding yourself upset?

Like many men in affairs he probably likes the status quo, are you really happy in the OW position or has he just convinced you to stay there?

 

OR perhaps you really want out, you are after all making excuses to distance yourself from him, but you can't leave him, because it would "disappoint" him too much and he said he cannot live without you and you promised you would never leave him...

All very "romantic"...but all a bit manipulative on his part too.

Is the burden of dealing with this "weak" man who NEEDS you, just getting too much for you? Are you starting to resent him for choosing his "awful" wife over the kind and caring you...?

 

YOU seem to paint this idyllic picture, but you are not really very happy are you?

 

Watch this.

 

 

I love him and I'm content to be in his life as his best friend and lover. I will continue to remain in the relationship indefinitely. I don't resent him at all for being married. I'm married too so it would be hypocritical to resent him regarding it. I knew he was married when I met him and so it's not a matter of him choosing his wife over me. If I didn't want to get involved then I wouldn't have considering there was no force or manipulation. No surprises as I knew his status and all about his life before we crossed romantic lines.

 

 

I skipped the video as I don't have people pleaser syndrome.

[anika99]

He wasn't angry and neither was I.

 

 

He called me this morning like he does every morning and we talked as per usual. He got some rest last night since we weren't going out. I'm glad that he did. He expressed that he appreciates my concern for him, that he wasn't disappointed in me, stated that he missed seeing me and is looking forward to getting together.

 

 

We are going out tonight and will spend all of next week together as planned. I'm happy with the outcome. I just wanted him to get some rest and he did.

 

Again, how does a devoted husband and father manage to have time to spend an entire week with an OW? Where will your husband and children be during this week you are going to spend with your MM? You are not being honest with yourself.

[Starswillshine]

Again, how does a devoted husband and father manage to have time to spend an entire week with an OW? Where will your husband and children be during this week you are going to spend with your MM? You are not being honest with yourself.

 

Further... if his wife does nothing and he does it all.... who will be dealing with the children? Who deals with the children when he is out with you? What does he tell hos wife?

[Kat Keller]

Further... if his wife does nothing and he does it all.... who will be dealing with the children? Who deals with the children when he is out with you? What does he tell hos wife?

 

 

I said that most of the kids homework and activities fall to him. I didn't say she does absolutely nothing. So I can't really answer regarding the "wife does nothing" part because I never said she does nothing.

[Kat Keller]

Again, how does a devoted husband and father manage to have time to spend an entire week with an OW? Where will your husband and children be during this week you are going to spend with your MM? You are not being honest with yourself.

 

The same way we've always done it: Vacation.

 

 

As I said, he and I are best friends and have been for years.

[Southern Sun]

First, he must have felt somewhat infantilized by your cancelling the date. I suggest you evaluate your real motives. Were they REALLY altruistic? Was it passive aggressive in any way? Manipulative at all?

 

It would irk the hell out of me for someone to think they know what's "good" for me and just unilaterally make that decision.

 

Now if you want to cancel the date because YOU don't want to go, fine. But own it. That's the reason, not for his betterment.

 

I hear a lot of worry and concern about his state of mind, like he is over-extending himself by being in this affair with you. But it's kind of like the above - he is an adult and can make his own choices.

 

If you feel bad that his wife is treating him so poorly (according to him), well, that's not really any of your biz. If he is so stressed out about it, maybe he should make some effort at home. Perhaps his wife has a hair-trigger temper because her H is emotionally checked out and she knows it. It's been two plus years, right?

 

I remember feeling this way when I was in my affair. I can't figure out what this is. We must be wired to over-empathize with the MM or something. Or maybe they just really over-blow the sob story. But I remember feeling SO BAD for my xMM. I constantly asked him what I could do, how I could make things better. His general response was that I had nothing to do with his problems, so I couldn't fix them either. That and just being there made his life better. Which of course made it harder for me to get out of the affair.

 

So if you want the affair, this is just SOP. You are getting half (or less) of a stressed-out man, because he is stretching himself thinner than he is really supposed to. But again - you can't make his decisions for him. You can, however, make your own. You decide what is right for you. That's about it.

[Birdies]

Oh gosh girl, just reading this is making me anxious because I don't see ANY way that this doesn't implode on you sooner rather than later. Surely one or both of your spouses are or will be suspicious about all the time you spend together. I'm the least jealous person ever and I'm fine with inter-gender friendships, but hell no would I be down with my husband going out several nights a week and for week-long vacations with his lady best friend. One of them is bound to check your phone records at some point and notice the bazillion calls and messages, more than just a friendship could account for. Or come home unexpectedly and catch you.

 

I just don't see how this goes on indefinitely. Look, we all think we're covering our tracks and that we won't get caught....until suddenly it happens and your world implodes. When that happens, it will infinitely worse for your spouses and for your kids than had you just been honest about not being in love with your spouses anymore. (Also, I guarantee if you took these vacations and date nights with your respective spouses instead, you'd feel a lot more in love with them! The grass is greenest where you water it.)

 

I know this doesn't answer your question .... but I needed to say it anyway. I'm not judging you, I was in your shoes fairly recently (minus the kids, and minus the plan to carry on indefinitely) so I understand how it happens and that you can truly fall in love with your AP. But even though you don't feel any guilt right now, unless you have some sort of open marriage understanding with your husband, you WILL feel terrible for destroying his world and your kids' world when this all blows up It's naive to think that will never happen, and frankly it's heartless to inflict that kind of pain on your family. (Again, been there, did that...)

 

As for your original question - if he's stressed already, I wouldn't add the additional drama of canceling on him and not saying why but he knows why and there's tension etc etc etc. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions.

[Kat Keller]

First, he must have felt somewhat infantilized by your cancelling the date. I suggest you evaluate your real motives. Were they REALLY altruistic? Was it passive aggressive in any way? Manipulative at all?

 

It would irk the hell out of me for someone to think they know what's "good" for me and just unilaterally make that decision.

 

Now if you want to cancel the date because YOU don't want to go, fine. But own it. That's the reason, not for his betterment.

 

I hear a lot of worry and concern about his state of mind, like he is over-extending himself by being in this affair with you. But it's kind of like the above - he is an adult and can make his own choices.

 

If you feel bad that his wife is treating him so poorly (according to him), well, that's not really any of your biz. If he is so stressed out about it, maybe he should make some effort at home. Perhaps his wife has a hair-trigger temper because her H is emotionally checked out and she knows it. It's been two plus years, right?

 

I remember feeling this way when I was in my affair. I can't figure out what this is. We must be wired to over-empathize with the MM or something. Or maybe they just really over-blow the sob story. But I remember feeling SO BAD for my xMM. I constantly asked him what I could do, how I could make things better. His general response was that I had nothing to do with his problems, so I couldn't fix them either. That and just being there made his life better. Which of course made it harder for me to get out of the affair.

 

So if you want the affair, this is just SOP. You are getting half (or less) of a stressed-out man, because he is stretching himself thinner than he is really supposed to. But again - you can't make his decisions for him. You can, however, make your own. You decide what is right for you. That's about it.

 

Thank you for your response. I will try to address everything as best I can. I'm not really sure how to do the multi-quote option yet... so I do apologize in advance but I will respond in order to how you commented and asked questions.

 

 

I spoke to him this morning (our first communication of the day is usually early in the AM). He related that he wasn't disappointed with me (I asked him). He said was disappointed about not seeing me because he missed me very much as we hadn't been spending much time together lately. But he was indeed tired last night and glad he got some rest.

 

 

He said he didn't respond last night because he figured I didn't want to discuss it and he knew we'd have our morning call. He thanked me for being supportive and looking out for his well-being. He cited that he understands my concerns but that he promises he's okay. He just has been a bit overextended because of a few unexpected issues that arose and pointed out that if it weren't for those things he wouldn't have been so exhausted. He actually then turned around and apologized for worrying me to which I told him that I didn't feel he owed me any apology.

 

 

My interest in canceling the date was solely based on the fact that I really wanted him to get some rest. He tends to take things in stride and doesn't complain for the sake of complaining. It's just not his way...he tends to look at things that are his responsibility and obligation as duty and doesn't make excuses about them, he just does them. So I sometimes have concerns about how much he's putting into everything and everyone else at his own expense. He doesn't do the sob story thing and often dismisses the notion that he has cause for complaint about his duties. He does relate various situations to me though, I ask him how he feels about them, and he responds with whatever his feelings are about them.

 

 

I personally worry about if he's taking care of himself as much as he can while he's going about his duties. So no there is no passive-aggression or manipulation going on regarding why I canceled the date. I don't play with him like that as I don't have the interest nor inclination for such things. I love him tremendously and my concern for him and how I approach our relationship is based on that love not on playing silly mind games with him.

 

 

I think you make a valid point about him being able to make his own choices. However, he did thank me for looking out for him and he got the rest he needed so I think me canceling worked out for the best.. However, in the future, I think I'll be less quick to make that kind of call without discussing it with him. The fact is I've been worried ... probably overly worried about the unexpected situations that came up for him. They are now handled, thank goodness. So perhaps I was being overly vigilant in trying to ensure he was alright.

 

 

As far as what's my business regarding his personal life... we both see all aspects of our life as each other's business and did well before we got romantically involved as we've been best friends for many years. So we were discussing such things well before. That is not something we just started because we became romantically involved. Most best friends discuss their marriages, kids, careers, etc and we certainly did and still do. Furthermore, I've been a witness to how she acts in general on many occasions. I know his wife very well just as he knows my husband very well.

 

 

My AP doesn't see being with me as pressure of any kind. He says that our relationship has always been a welcomed de-stressor for him and he'd rather spend time with me or talking to me than not regardless of what's going on (his words not mine).

 

 

There have been times when the shoe has been on the other foot and I have been stressed up to my eyeballs with a variety of things. He's always been supportive, a comfort, and lends a hand to help me out. He's also been there to tell me to slow down, get some rest, to just be with me or a listening ear when I need it. He's very adamant about us always sticking together through everything. He did this same thing when were solely best friends as well. He's gotten me through some of the most difficult times in my adult life.

 

 

I think in light of this thread, thinking it over, and talking to him this morning I feel much more at peace and clear minded on not being overly worried. I think this unexpected business just shook me up but it's handled now which is a weight off both our shoulders! Now we can get back to our normalcy.

[GollumsNightmare]

So, are you all going on vacation together?

[Kat Keller]

Oh gosh girl, just reading this is making me anxious because I don't see ANY way that this doesn't implode on you sooner rather than later. Surely one or both of your spouses are or will be suspicious about all the time you spend together. I'm the least jealous person ever and I'm fine with inter-gender friendships, but hell no would I be down with my husband going out several nights a week and for week-long vacations with his lady best friend. One of them is bound to check your phone records at some point and notice the bazillion calls and messages, more than just a friendship could account for. Or come home unexpectedly and catch you.

 

I just don't see how this goes on indefinitely. Look, we all think we're covering our tracks and that we won't get caught....until suddenly it happens and your world implodes. When that happens, it will infinitely worse for your spouses and for your kids than had you just been honest about not being in love with your spouses anymore. (Also, I guarantee if you took these vacations and date nights with your respective spouses instead, you'd feel a lot more in love with them! The grass is greenest where you water it.)

 

I know this doesn't answer your question .... but I needed to say it anyway. I'm not judging you, I was in your shoes fairly recently (minus the kids, and minus the plan to carry on indefinitely) so I understand how it happens and that you can truly fall in love with your AP. But even though you don't feel any guilt right now, unless you have some sort of open marriage understanding with your husband, you WILL feel terrible for destroying his world and your kids' world when this all blows up �� It's naive to think that will never happen, and frankly it's heartless to inflict that kind of pain on your family. (Again, been there, did that...)

 

As for your original question - if he's stressed already, I wouldn't add the additional drama of canceling on him and not saying why but he knows why and there's tension etc etc etc. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your views. We will all be on vacation and spending time together with our children. As I've stated several times now that he and I are best friends but to clarify:

 

 

We both know each other's spouses. Our spouses know each other. Our kids know each other and will be on spring break this coming week. He and I will have time alone during this time that we've worked out We had an entire long term friendship BEFORE we crossed any romantic lines so us all doing things together is not abnormal. We've done many things together and will continue to do so jointly with our families and separately with just he and I like we've always done.

 

 

But yes, I agree. He's and adult and can make his own choices but I will always try to look out for him. How I canceled the date without discussing it is something I won't repeat although it did benefit him.

[Birdies]

Thank you for sharing your views. We will all be on vacation and spending time together with our children. As I've stated several times now that he and I are best friends but to clarify:

 

 

We both know each other's spouses. Our spouses know each other. Our kids know each other and will be on spring break this coming week. He and I will have time alone during this time that we've worked out We had an entire long term friendship BEFORE we crossed any romantic lines so us all doing things together is not abnormal. We've done many things together and will continue to do so jointly with our families and separately with just he and I like we've always done.

 

 

But yes, I agree. He's and adult and can make his own choices but I will always try to look out for him. How I canceled the date without discussing it is something I won't repeat although it did benefit him.

 

I see.

 

There's another poster here too who is having a long term afffair with her close friend / next door neighbor. Their kids are super close, families intertwined, etc. It's like watching a train wreck in super slow motion....I just do not see how this situation is sustainable, and good lord it's going to be ugly when the crash comes

 

You didn't really address most of my post, which is fine because it was beside the main point, but I continue to be curious about whether either of your spouses are suspicious or jealous. Do you truly think you can keep this under wraps long term, when your real life and your bubble affair life are so closely intertwined? Have you thought about how you will handle the specifics of the epic fallout that will happen when this comes out? Not asking rhetorically or to make a point, I'm truly curious. I never allowed myself to think all that through, personally, and just promised myself that it would never happen because we were careful. Which makes it all the more shocking when it does happen.

 

I will tell you too that despite the pain inflicted on my ex, I am relieved not to be living a lie anymore. It's exhausting and it damages you. My ex deserves someone who will love him fully, and I deserve someone who will make me truly happy. I just wish I had the courage to tell him, because it would have been a lot less painful for everyone. In your situation, again I think it's worth considering taking the bull by the horn and living authentically, before the bull gets to you first....

[Kat Keller]

Oh gosh girl, just reading this is making me anxious because I don't see ANY way that this doesn't implode on you sooner rather than later. Surely one or both of your spouses are or will be suspicious about all the time you spend together. I'm the least jealous person ever and I'm fine with inter-gender friendships, but hell no would I be down with my husband going out several nights a week and for week-long vacations with his lady best friend. One of them is bound to check your phone records at some point and notice the bazillion calls and messages, more than just a friendship could account for. Or come home unexpectedly and catch you.

 

I just don't see how this goes on indefinitely. Look, we all think we're covering our tracks and that we won't get caught....until suddenly it happens and your world implodes. When that happens, it will infinitely worse for your spouses and for your kids than had you just been honest about not being in love with your spouses anymore. (Also, I guarantee if you took these vacations and date nights with your respective spouses instead, you'd feel a lot more in love with them! The grass is greenest where you water it.)

 

I know this doesn't answer your question .... but I needed to say it anyway. I'm not judging you, I was in your shoes fairly recently (minus the kids, and minus the plan to carry on indefinitely) so I understand how it happens and that you can truly fall in love with your AP. But even though you don't feel any guilt right now, unless you have some sort of open marriage understanding with your husband, you WILL feel terrible for destroying his world and your kids' world when this all blows up �� It's naive to think that will never happen, and frankly it's heartless to inflict that kind of pain on your family. (Again, been there, did that...)

 

As for your original question - if he's stressed already, I wouldn't add the additional drama of canceling on him and not saying why but he knows why and there's tension etc etc etc. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions.

 

I tried to respond to this before but I'm not sure what happened. Anyway...

 

 

1. He and I are best friends and have been for years.

 

 

2. Our spouses know each other. We all know each other. (Our spouses, our kids, and several other family members on both sides).

 

 

3. We ALL will be on vacation next week. We deliberately scheduled our vacation time to overlap (as best we could manage) at the same time as it's the perfect time with the kids on spring break. My AP's parents own an incredible property with two cabins built on it...we are ALL staying up there. Other family members will be there as well. Us, our spouses, our kids, my parents, his parents but by Thursday everyone will be gone except for he and I. He and I will have alone time during the week because his wife will be visiting her sister and taking the kids with her until Sunday. She's leaving Wednesday evening. My husband is going back to work on Thurs and is leaving early morning so he can be to work on time. My parents have insisted on taking their grandchildren back with them that afternoon (they want to take them to a local fair in their area on Friday and Saturday) so they are leaving Thurs as well. My AP and I will be spending time together, putting the cabins back in order, locking up, we will then drive to pick up my kids up from my parents on Saturday evening, and my AP will drive us back to his house. Then I will drive myself and my children home.

 

 

4. Agreed. He is an adult but he did thank me for looking out for him. But after some thought I won't be canceling anymore of our dates without discussing it with him first.

[Kat Keller]

I see.

 

There's another poster here too who is having a long term afffair with her close friend / next door neighbor. Their kids are super close, families intertwined, etc. It's like watching a train wreck in super slow motion....I just do not see how this situation is sustainable, and good lord it's going to be ugly when the crash comes

 

You didn't really address most of my post, which is fine because it was beside the main point, but I continue to be curious about whether either of your spouses are suspicious or jealous. Do you truly think you can keep this under wraps long term, when your real life and your bubble affair life are so closely intertwined? Have you thought about how you will handle the specifics of the epic fallout that will happen when this comes out? Not asking rhetorically or to make a point, I'm truly curious. I never allowed myself to think all that through, personally, and just promised myself that it would never happen because we were careful. Which makes it all the more shocking when it does happen.

 

I will tell you too that despite the pain inflicted on my ex, I am relieved not to be living a lie anymore. It's exhausting and it damages you. My ex deserves someone who will love him fully, and I deserve someone who will make me truly happy. I just wish I had the courage to tell him, because it would have been a lot less painful for everyone. In your situation, again I think it's worth considering taking the bull by the horn and living authentically, before the bull gets to you first....

 

 

I understand your point of view. Yes, we've thought of the fall out. I will say there is a lot of concealment in the fact that both our spouses know that we are best friends, we all do things together, etc . My AP and I are careful about how we go about the romantic aspect of our relationship but I will say the fact that we were best friends before all this gives us an extraordinary amount of concealment in plain view believe it or not.

 

 

We are on certain community boards together and we both have similar interests that our spouses don't share with us. His wife is just glad he's not bugging her to do these activities with him anymore. She's literally told me that flat out right in front of him. Jokingly, thanked me for "taking him off her hands." I've often wondered does she know though and just kind of accepts it because she likes the lifestyle (meaning the fact that they are very well off economically).

 

 

Besides that she's not very affectionate in general...not even with her children. So I've often wondered if she knows he's getting those needs met elsewhere so it's a relief that it's not a "burden" on her. I've mentioned this to him and he told me that he honestly doesn't think she knows. I've even wondered if she's having an affair herself and I asked him. He said he's wondered himself from time to time but neither of us have any proof that she is and we don't go looking for it either.

 

 

In my case, my husband and I have had some ups and downs over many years of being married and went to counseling. We've made peace with the fact that we want to stay married and raise our children together but he admits that he can't be exactly what I need emotionally all the time because his personality type is just not cut out for it, which is fine. I don't blame him for it nor am I angry with him about it but boy did I used to be!

 

 

After a few years of counseling and him explaining that he really wishes he could be what I need that way, I could no longer be angry with him for something that I learned that he just can't help and he had NOT been doing it as any rejection to me. He is who he is... I married him and had a family with him. He's a very good father, a decent man, and I don't see the need to divorce him, take our children out of the life they are accustomed, and he absolutely doesn't want a divorce (yes, I have asked and the marriage counselor asked him. He literally rolled his eyes and said: "NO. There will be no divorce, period. We got married, we have children, and we have an obligation to it. End of that conversation.").

 

 

He understands that I get many emotional needs met from my best friend and has stated that he gets it. However, what he doesn't know is that we are in a romantic relationship now and I have no interest in exposing that info to him. I don't think he's suspicious because he always says my AP and I are too much alike. He's even joked and said: "You two would make the worse couple. There is no contrast! You'd be bored to death in a year's time." And to be honest, I thought exactly the same thing when my AP and I were ONLY best friends. I always thought he was handsome but I just didn't think of him in terms of a romantic partner for a long time plus I just never entertained the idea of any affairs in the first place. Turns out we both were wrong. AP and I work quite well romantically. Go figure.

[Jemima1234]

I understand your point of view. Yes, we've thought of the fall out. I will say there is a lot of concealment in the fact that both our spouses know that we are best friends, we all do things together, etc . My AP and I are careful about how we go about the romantic aspect of our relationship but I will say the fact that we were best friends before all this gives us an extraordinary amount of concealment in plain view believe it or not.

 

 

We are on certain community boards together and we both have similar interests that our spouses don't share with us. His wife is just glad he's not bugging her to do these activities with him anymore. She's literally told me that flat out right in front of him. Jokingly, thanked me for "taking him off her hands." I've often wondered does she know though and just kind of accepts it because she likes the lifestyle (meaning the fact that they are very well off economically).

 

 

Besides that she's not very affectionate in general...not even with her children. So I've often wondered if she knows he's getting those needs met elsewhere so it's a relief that it's not a "burden" on her. I've mentioned this to him and he told me that he honestly doesn't think she knows. I've even wondered if she's having an affair herself and I asked him. He said he's wondered himself from time to time but neither of us have any proof that she is and we don't go looking for it either.

 

 

In my case, my husband and I have had some ups and downs over many years of being married and went to counseling. We've made peace with the fact that we want to stay married and raise our children together but he admits that he can't be exactly what I need emotionally all the time because his personality type is just not cut out for it, which is fine. I don't blame him for it nor am I angry with him about it but boy did I used to be!

 

 

After a few years of counseling and him explaining that he really wishes he could be what I need that way, I could no longer be angry with him for something that I learned that he just can't help and he had NOT been doing it as any rejection to me. He is who he is... I married him and had a family with him. He's a very good father, a decent man, and I don't see the need to divorce him, take our children out of the life they are accustomed, and he absolutely doesn't want a divorce (yes, I have asked and the marriage counselor asked him. He literally rolled his eyes and said: "NO. There will be no divorce, period. We got married, we have children, and we have an obligation to it. End of that conversation.").

 

 

He understands that I get many emotional needs met from my best friend and has stated that he gets it. However, what he doesn't know is that we are in a romantic relationship now and I have no interest in exposing that info to him. I don't think he's suspicious because he always says my AP and I are too much alike. He's even joked and said: "You two would make the worse couple. There is no contrast! You'd be bored to death in a year's time." And to be honest, I thought exactly the same thing when my AP and I were ONLY best friends. I always thought he was handsome but I just didn't think of him in terms of a romantic partner for a long time plus I just never entertained the idea of any affairs in the first place. Turns out we both were wrong. AP and I work quite well romantically. Go figure.

 

I am totally intrigued by your story. Can I ask you how often you and AP meet? Do you still have sex wth your husband too?

[BTDT2012]

I've even wondered if she's having an affair herself and I asked him. He said he's wondered himself from time to time but neither of us have any proof that she is and we don't go looking for it either.

 

Interesting. My WH's AP tried to convince him that I was having an affair.

 

 

After a few years of counseling and him explaining that he really wishes he could be what I need that way, I could no longer be angry with him for something that I learned that he just can't help and he had NOT been doing it as any rejection to me. He is who he is... I married him and had a family with him. He's a very good father, a decent man, and I don't see the need to divorce him, take our children out of the life they are accustomed, and he absolutely doesn't want a divorce (yes, I have asked and the marriage counselor asked him. He literally rolled his eyes and said: "NO. There will be no divorce, period. We got married, we have children, and we have an obligation to it. End of that conversation.").

He can't make you stay married to him if you truly want to be out of the marriage.