My Best Friend is My AP...

[Kat Keller]

I am totally intrigued by your story. Can I ask you how often you and AP meet? Do you still have sex wth your husband too?

 

Sure you can ask... I think you did.

 

 

1. Anywhere from 1-4 times a week. It can vary. This is because my job sometimes uses his company to do work for us and I'm the contact person so there are times when he and I have to work together. Besides that, we are on some of the same community boards so we have to attend meetings together, our kids are involved in the same youth organizations in which we both volunteered for, and our families have membership in the same religious organization in which we all are active. Plus he and I do activities together sometimes that our spouses have no interest in doing like any other normal best friends do.

 

 

 

2. On occasion. It's very sporadic. Sometimes it could be weeks or months gone by when we haven't.

[Hummingbird17]

How long have you known his wife? Did you meet him first? Were you both married prior to becoming "best friends"?

[Kat Keller]

How long have you known his wife? Did you meet him first? Were you both married prior to becoming "best friends"?

 

Almost 7 years.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

Yes.

[Doublegold]

Thank you for responding.

 

 

I have some questions for you since you relate.

 

 

1. Is there a thread where I can read your story?

 

 

2. How do you handle what I described is my concern? (Meaning how do you approach concerns about his well-being with him? )

 

 

3. If you don't have a thread for your story that I can read on my own...how long have you maintained your relationship?

 

 

Hi Kat,

 

1) No there is no thread that contains my story. I have posted parts in my responses on various threads, which can be found under my stats. Pretty much we met when I was separated from and were friends just talking and emailing. He and I are the same age, live in adjoining states, but were/are at different points in our lives. I live by the sea and he in the city. I have a relaxed, full and happy life with many friends, family and collegues, he is a driven work alcoholic living the hectic life he chooses. His children are young(er), mine are grown independent adults with sucessful lives of their own. We became deeply attached and have continued a relationship for over 8 years. We have seen one another through many hardships, including death, sickness, success and failure. We enjoy our time together be it meeting for lunch, dinner, traveling, or just being on a bench at the beach. He has undergone therapy, his wife has questioned if he is involved in an affair. Whatever problems they have were long before me. He had the I don't love you in a romantic way discussion more then once, before me and after. Since the years since my divorce have been the only time I have lived on my own, I have found how much I enjoy it. As we have met each others friends, family and openly enjoy doing whatever we want whenever we want, time has marched on and here we are.

 

2) Concerns about his health intensified with age and his unrelenting pushing and neglect of himself. Last Winter I went NC after I told him I will not stand here and watch him kill himself with work. He had sent me a pic and in truth it made me cry he looked so worn out and grey. He looked twenty years older than his age. So for five months we did not speak. He has a FB account, that is only friends with my friends and family. So yes it wasn't complete no contact because after three or four months I looked at it. He also is very close with a family member of mine, so I always knew if something bad happened I would get a heads up. I did date somewhat during this time, really good catches I was told but there is just no spark for me.

 

Long story short he addressed the health issues and seems healthier and realizes he was pushing the envelope. He said this am he would probably be dead if he hadn't.

 

3) As I mentioned above we have been involved for over 8 years. Eight years of passion and excitement, love and dispair, happiness and pain. I love him and he loves me. He IS my best friend. My family loves him, even my sister whose husband left her for another woman. She loves him. My friends adore him, and his friends told me in the beginning they have never seen him happier, and to please not hurt him. He has had tremendous loss in his life, as I have.

 

Sometimes life takes a turn that you never thought it would, and that happened with us. All that being said:

 

He is a people pleaser.

He is conflict advoidant.

He loves his children and is a wonderful Father.

He is a great provider.

 

We support one another. But there has been difficult, harsh times and many moments spent apart. I make no apologies for my affair. Yes ,there are three people in this, but we two are not the only ones getting what we want, or not getting it.

 

Take Care.

[Kat Keller]

Contrary to some belief among the posters here in this thread:

 

 

1. I'm not of the opinion that affairs are to be glorified or romanticized.

 

 

2. I'm not of the opinion that he or I are infallible.

 

 

3. I'm not of the opinion that this couldn't get out and hurt people. If that were to happen, he and I have a course of action that we have already discussed and agreed upon.

 

 

4. I'm not here seeking assistance on how to get out of it, to express guilt, nor to express remorse.

 

 

5. I'm not delusional about affairs statistics. I know what they are... I've read them. He's read them.

 

 

6. I'm not of the opinion that his wife is a bad, horrible, or awful person (and I never used any such adjectives to describe her as a person) by any stretch of the imagination. Given, I don't always likes how she treats him. Also she and I wouldn't associate at all if I didn't know him and she wasn't his wife. She's not my friend...she and I are simply "friendly".

 

 

7. I'm not of the opinion that all affairs are perfectly fine and acceptable in every circumstance. I think there are some situations though where the two people involved in them find engaging in one appropriate for themselves for various reasons.

 

 

8. I'm not secretly hoping and wishing for the demise of his marriage so I can have him. I don't want his marriage to end and haven't even entertained such an idea. But if he wanted it to end it then I'd support him in that decision but not without questioning him. I would not be making any decision about divorcing my husband simply because he opted to divorce his wife.

 

 

9. I'm not lacking empathy for the plight of others which would include his wife, my husband, and our kids, I don't have any deviant personality disorders nor tendencies bordering being a sociopath or narcissist. I do believe I'd feel guilt IF the situation was different but it's not and I have to face reality based on MY situation not scenarios that don't even remotely apply to us. Or people's view points on the general morality or lack thereof regarding affairs.

 

 

10. I'm not making any excuses or justifications for affairs nor for my own as I don't see mine as any exception to the morality of such relationships. I absolutely understand and whole heartedly believe affairs are indeed selfish. I have made it clear numerous times in this thread that I opted to cross that line of my own free will along with him after much thought and consideration about a variety of aspects and how we'd navigate it.

[William]

Before I start my review of this thread, lets remember that this is posted in the OW/OM forum. We all know what is discussed here. If you have a strong moral objection to these topics, please feel free to show your disapproval through your lack of participation.

 

Those offering real advice to the OP, thank you for your contributions. To the rest..... you'll be hearing from me soon. ~T

[lostgirl87]

I'm really surprised at the amount of judgment on this post! This forum is full of and dedicated to cheaters, liars and "confused" people. And yet simply b/c this person's affair is different than ours or what any of us have experienced she is being vilified. NONE of us are any better. And yes, OP may be doing some things that I may not be comfortable with, but I'm not any better b/c of that.

 

It is one thing to offer advice and suggest to OP how badly this could go. But to continue the rude, intrusive and judgmental comments is a bit much.

 

Kat, I wish you luck and I genuinely want the best for your husband and children b/c at the end of the day, they will be the most hurt. It seems like you understand that and are doing what you can to keep that from happening while also keeping your relationship with AP. In fact, it seems your priority IS your relationship with AP b/c you are very concerned about how he fits you into his schedule or whether he is overwhelmed. Obviously the best thing would be for you each to separate and focus on each other and your kids. But y'all don't want to do that so I'm afraid I can't offer advice seeing as how I can't understand that situation. And I think that's what most people commenting here feel. Unfortunately it's coming off mean and condescending and I'm sorry for that.

 

Again, good luck and if this hasn't scared you too much, keep us updated!

[Grammie]

I'm not trying to convince readers of anything. They can and will formulate their own opinions. However, if I didn't like her solely based on the fact that she's married to him then I'd simply say so. What I conveyed is that I don't resent her for being married to him. There is no reason in my mind to resent her for it as they were married before I knew him.

 

I do not like the way she treats him at times. I make no excuses about that at all but that has nothing to do with not liking her because she's married to him. If she weren't married to him and just someone I knew who treated another person the way she treats him at times, I'd have the same feelings about not liking it.

 

Just asking, but do you like the way you are treating your husband and kids? I mean, you spend all day texting and talking to another man - do you work? If so, and you are on talking and texting with him all day, you are shortchanging your employer and quite frankly should be reprimanded for conducting personal business on company time all day long.

 

You spend time each night texting and talking to him, when he should be doing all those home chores you complain that he has to do - so maybe, just maybe, he isn't doing all those chores and his wife is expecting him to do his 50% share of the work, but he can't because he is on the phone with you OR taking you out for dates while she is at home handling everything.

 

Your story has lots of contradictions so I can't really understand why you dislike the wife besides possible jealousy because he IS married to her (not that he is married, because like you said, you knew he was married before getting involved...but maybe now, you want to be more than just the mistress?)

 

You both are short changing your kids and I find that sad. You spend all your time talking & texting him when you could be putting that energy into your family. I understand you don't want a life with your husband and are just staying with him for (1) the kids (2) financial security (3) MM isn't leaving his wife so you will stay with your spouse. Your kids are seeing your lack of interest in them, in the family and that you are always on the phone (either texting or talking) and not spending your time with them. I hope you realize kids are a lot smarter than parents give them credit for - I would bet your kids know a lot about your affair (if they are over the age of 4 or 5) and their imagine of a "loving household" is very different than what a 'loving household' could be/should be.

 

maybe scale back all your affair activities - maybe make a rule to stop texting / talking after 5 pm so both of you can focus on your children? Maybe make a rule to stop going on dates with the MM while your children are still awake? Maybe cut back to 1 night a week vs several?

 

I realize you said you both cried when you couldn't stay away from each other - and that sounds very unhealthy to me (affair or not). Two adults shouldn't be reduced to tears because they only saw each other 3 nights a week vs 7. Your affair sounds very unhealthy and that isn't good for the children who are forced to endure their parents having lovers and having their attention diverted from their needs to their married lovers needs.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Grammie

[Kat Keller]

I'm really surprised at the amount of judgment on this post! This forum is full of and dedicated to cheaters, liars and "confused" people. And yet simply b/c this person's affair is different than ours or what any of us have experienced she is being vilified. NONE of us are any better. And yes, OP may be doing some things that I may not be comfortable with, but I'm not any better b/c of that.

 

It is one thing to offer advice and suggest to OP how badly this could go. But to continue the rude, intrusive and judgmental comments is a bit much.

 

Kat, I wish you luck and I genuinely want the best for your husband and children b/c at the end of the day, they will be the most hurt. It seems like you understand that and are doing what you can to keep that from happening while also keeping your relationship with AP. In fact, it seems your priority IS your relationship with AP b/c you are very concerned about how he fits you into his schedule or whether he is overwhelmed. Obviously the best thing would be for you each to separate and focus on each other and your kids. But y'all don't want to do that so I'm afraid I can't offer advice seeing as how I can't understand that situation. And I think that's what most people commenting here feel. Unfortunately it's coming off mean and condescending and I'm sorry for that.

 

Again, good luck and if this hasn't scared you too much, keep us updated!

 

 

Hello and thank you for your thoughtful post. I appreciate it. I understand that people will be in opposition to how I have chosen to live my life. I get it and that's fine. I'm not asking for approval.

 

 

However, when I read up on this website, I had the impression that it wasn't a place for vitriol, inflammatory commentary, and personal attacks regardless of whether or not one agrees with a position. It's why I signed up to give it a try because I wanted a place to discuss and learn about other experiences in a supportive environment. It's the first place I've tried after reading several sites that didn't seem as well done as this one. I really liked how well formatted this one is and the structure it seemed to tout.

 

 

In any event, I appreciate your comments and understand your point of view. We've definitely considered how this could go for us and our families. We do understand the possible ramifications. We aren't careless with what we do, how we do it, or when we do it. I care about my family and his and he cares about mine and me. We both understand this is not necessarily the absolute best case scenario so it was NOT an easy decision to cross that line.

 

 

I don't take pride in having an affair but at the same time I feel like our situations are such that it needs to be this way for us at this time in ALL our lives. We want to raise our children with the people we married. Neither of our spouses want divorces. We also are part of a community. We do things together. We enjoy that and our kids being close. I understand that our relationship in a romantic sense is selfish but our lives were a lot more stressful and painful BEFORE we met each other and became best friends. Neither of us planned on any affairs. Frankly, we didn't even plan on being best friends. We just get along extraordinarily well and it went from there.

 

 

I can't imagine my life without him and he's expressed the same to me. If he wanted to end things today as far as our romantic relationship, I'd respect his decision, support him, and love him just the same but stay in ONLY a best friend role. It was not easy to accept that we were in love and we sort of avoided it for a long time. But then we realize we HAD to talk about it and figure out what on earth we were going to do. We made the decision to be happy but at the same time not break up our families.

 

 

It's not a black and white matter but I understand how others can sit back, not be in my exact situation, not know every detail of it and judge it as if they know all about it. People do that... that's part of life. But I'm strong enough to stand up for what I believe is right for ME. If others don't' approve they have EVERY right not to approve. However, all the personal attack are not an indication of my character in the least...it's an indication of theirs. So I'm not deterred from being here or posting here as long as it's ok with the staff/moderator for me to be here.

 

 

I'm not interested in hurting anyone here and I'm not interested in being personally attacked for sport either. Hence why some posts that went there were simply ignored.

 

 

Once again, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read my thread and respond in a way that is respectful.

[Kat Keller]

Just asking, but do you like the way you are treating your husband and kids? I mean, you spend all day texting and talking to another man - do you work? If so, and you are on talking and texting with him all day, you are shortchanging your employer and quite frankly should be reprimanded for conducting personal business on company time all day long.

 

 

I do. I have a routinized lifestyle with my husband and children that works for us that my husband and I created together along with our children's input as they got older and are able to give some feedback. We've adjusted it accordingly. My husband and I are a great co-parenting team and I'm very proud of how well adjusted our children are, how they are both honors students, and are involved in different activities that they really enjoy... he's a wonderful father who is easy to work with where children are concerned particularly since we have the exact same view on child rearing.

 

 

I do work and considering I'm in charge then I can do whatever I want so there is no one to reprimand me. But I do have a silent business partner. As long as the money is rolling in...she couldn't care less what I do. My AP is the Vice President of his company and has a flexible schedule provided a huge project is not going on (as it had been recently)...then we do cool it.

 

 

 

You spend time each night texting and talking to him, when he should be doing all those home chores you complain that he has to do - so maybe, just maybe, he isn't doing all those chores and his wife is expecting him to do his 50% share of the work, but he can't because he is on the phone with you OR taking you out for dates while she is at home handling everything.

We multi-task. Plenty of people conduct business while on the phone. We do the same. Furthermore, he and I both cook, clean, drive, shop, etc all while on the phone with each other with no problem like most people do who own cell phones in 2017. His wife is not expecting him to do 50%. He does MOST of the chores because she works a lot but when she is home she pitches in with the kids but doesn't do a lot chores wise. It's just not her thing and that's fine.

 

 

She likes to cook though and helps out there sometimes. She's very active with her career, friends, and personal interests. All again which is fine as she has a right to make her own choices on those things. My husband is really big on helping with chores but he can't cook at all. So I do all the cooking unless it's summer time and he's grilling food which he's great at doing! He does I'd say about 60% of the chores but we look at it as a trade off because I usually help the kids with all of their homework, drive them to any activities because he's often not quite home from work when we need to leave (but he does show up at their events!), and deal with any day to day issues with the school.

 

 

Not all of our outings are flat out "dates". Some of them are because we are on the same committees and boards. Our children attend the same school and we do other community activities together as volunteers (even out spouses join in at times). So automatically we see each other much more than I guess the average couple in an extramarital affair. After we might go get some food or go for a walk or drive. Just depends. Since we are best friends...our spouse really don't mind that we go out sometimes to movies, dinner, lunch, bowling, or joint shopping trips, etc. Sometimes we have ALL the kids and go to eat or to the mall. Four wild kids at the mall...good lord. But we manage and it gives the AP and I quality time while they are running around.

 

Your story has lots of contradictions so I can't really understand why you dislike the wife besides possible jealousy because he IS married to her (not that he is married, because like you said, you knew he was married before getting involved...but maybe now, you want to be more than just the mistress?)

There are no contradictions as I related the facts of my life as they are. I'm thoughtful about what I convey and how I convey it. If you don't understand something that doesn't make it a contradiction just means you don't comprehend or relate which is totally fine. I don't hate his wife. She and I just aren't compatible enough to be friends because of personality differences which would be exactly the case if I didn't know him. I'm not jealous of her in any fashion (maybe I would be if we were similar in some way but we are so different it's like apples and oranges so I just can't fathom such a feeling regarding her) and I'm fine with my position in his life. If I wasn't I'd say so and actively be doing something about it. I've said several times in this thread that I'm not interested in him leaving his wife and I'm certainly not divorcing my husband. So please accept that answer.

 

You both are short changing your kids and I find that sad. You spend all your time talking & texting him when you could be putting that energy into your family. I understand you don't want a life with your husband and are just staying with him for (1) the kids (2) financial security (3) MM isn't leaving his wife so you will stay with your spouse. Your kids are seeing your lack of interest in them, in the family and that you are always on the phone (either texting or talking) and not spending your time with them. I hope you realize kids are a lot smarter than parents give them credit for - I would bet your kids know a lot about your affair (if they are over the age of 4 or 5) and their imagine of a "loving household" is very different than what a 'loving household' could be/should be.

We aren't short changing our families. We love them and devote a lot of time to them jointly and separately. I'm not just staying with my husband for our children or for financial security. I've never stated any such thing anywhere in this thread at any time because that's not true. I stay with my husband because I want to be married to him, raise our children together, and I do love him. I like the life we built together for our family unit. Yes, I have smart children. So does my AP. We aren't frivolous and careless with the romantic aspect of our relationship.

 

maybe scale back all your affair activities - maybe make a rule to stop texting / talking after 5 pm so both of you can focus on your children? Maybe make a rule to stop going on dates with the MM while your children are still awake? Maybe cut back to 1 night a week vs several?

I didn't ask for advice for how to run my relationship with my AP. We will continue to do it as we see fit according to our own standard. I'm not really sure why you are relating this but...okay. I don't mean that to be rude at all. I'm just not sure why you relate it since I didn't ask for it.

 

I realize you said you both cried when you couldn't stay away from each other - and that sounds very unhealthy to me (affair or not). Two adults shouldn't be reduced to tears because they only saw each other 3 nights a week vs 7. Your affair sounds very unhealthy and that isn't good for the children who are forced to endure their parents having lovers and having their attention diverted from their needs to their married lovers needs.

Many people would cry in that situation. It was difficult. We are human. We cried. Crying is healthy and cathartic. It's a release that's why there is a such thing. Our crying had zero to do with a reduction from 3 nights a week. I have zero idea where you are even getting that as I didn't relate it at all. So not sure what you mean...

 

 

I can understand that you feel as you do about my situation. I respect you right to your opinion about it. My answers may not be acceptable to you but those are what they are. Thank you for taking the time to read my thread, thank you for your commentary, and thank you for not being incredibly rude although you strongly disagree with my lifestyle choices. I can appreciate the challenge minus the rudeness. So, thanks!

 

 

Be well.

Edited April 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote ~T

[deadsoul]

No judgment here... It doesn't matter whether or not I agree with your lifestyle. I think you struggle with it some otherwise you wouldn't be here.

 

I have a couple questions and since you can't "hear" my tone, please know that I'm genuinely curious, not asking in judgment. And don't feel obligated to answer. I have admired your straight-forwardness and responses to these

 

 

I know no one ever knows how long a relationship will last, but do you still see yourself in this situation in 5 years, 10 years, etc?

 

Is your ultimate goal to eventually be together out in the open? I know you've said neither of you want to D and I get that, but just wondering.

 

I believe it is Autumn Moon who is in a similar situation as you and it does help to talk to people who are experiencing it and understand it.

 

Take care

Edited April 8, 2017 by deadsoul

[Birdies]

Hi there, sorry things took such a turn and I'm glad it didn't scare you off. I want to reiterate that personally, I wasn't judging or attacking you, and hopefully it didn't come off that way. Again, this place is a unique opportunity to discuss things that generally can't be talked about in the real world, and it's a fascinating study of people's personal takes on morality.

 

It's an interesting concept that (with the exception of some people who clearly have a bone to pick with cheaters, period, and frankly don't belong on this particular forum), we want to talk to other OW / MW here - but only if they display the correct amount of self-flaggelation. You're right that all situations are different.

 

I think the majority of posters were just alarmed that you didn't seem to grasp the magnitude of how fcking awful in every way it'll be when/if this blows up and were trying to help you see that - even though it seemed judgey.

 

Anyway, take care, good luck, and stick around!

[Kat Keller]

No judgment here... It doesn't matter whether or not I agree with your lifestyle. I think you struggle with it some otherwise you wouldn't be here.

 

I have a couple questions and since you can't "hear" my tone, please know that I'm genuinely curious, not asking in judgment. And don't feel obligated to answer. I have admired your straight-forwardness and responses to these

 

 

I know no one ever knows how long a relationship will last, but do you still see yourself in this situation in 5 years, 10 years, etc?

 

Is your ultimate goal to eventually be together out in the open? I know you've said neither of you want to D and I get that, but just wondering.

 

I believe it is Autumn Moon who is in a similar situation as you and it does help to talk to people who are experiencing it and understand it.

 

Take care

 

 

Thank you for your comments and questions. I don't mind them at all nor do they come across as offensive. I will answer anyone as best I can if they approach me respectfully about this matter.

 

 

Yes, I absolutely see myself in this situation in 5 and 10 years. We both use the term "indefinitely".

 

 

No. Our ultimate goal is not to be out in the open per se. We are mainly focused on being connected according to the current status quo, married to our spouses, and raising our children together. Our ultimate goal is just to love each other, support each other, and remain connected for the rest of our lives whether we maintain the romantic aspect or not. But obviously, exposure is a possibility and we'd have to make a decision because our spouses very well may press for NC or divorce as is common in these situations. He maintains that if he is given an ultimatum of NC, then he's getting a divorce, period.

 

 

I think it's not as cut and dry for me because my relationship with my husband is different than what his is with is wife. He's aware of that and he said he'd support me but he knows it would devastate him if I actually picked the NC option. It would be very difficult for me BUT I think if it happened when our children were out of the house...my final decision would most likely to be with him rather than without. So I'd divorce.

 

 

But... all that is EASY to say when it hasn't happened on BOTH our ends.

[Kat Keller]

Thank you for responding.

 

 

I have some questions for you since you relate.

 

 

1. Is there a thread where I can read your story?

 

 

2. How do you handle what I described is my concern? (Meaning how do you approach concerns about his well-being with him? )

 

 

3. If you don't have a thread for your story that I can read on my own...how long have you maintained your relationship?

 

 

Hi Kat,

 

1) No there is no thread that contains my story. I have posted parts in my responses on various threads, which can be found under my stats. Pretty much we met when I was separated from and were friends just talking and emailing. He and I are the same age, live in adjoining states, but were/are at different points in our lives. I live by the sea and he in the city. I have a relaxed, full and happy life with many friends, family and collegues, he is a driven work alcoholic living the hectic life he chooses. His children are young(er), mine are grown independent adults with sucessful lives of their own. We became deeply attached and have continued a relationship for over 8 years. We have seen one another through many hardships, including death, sickness, success and failure. We enjoy our time together be it meeting for lunch, dinner, traveling, or just being on a bench at the beach. He has undergone therapy, his wife has questioned if he is involved in an affair. Whatever problems they have were long before me. He had the I don't love you in a romantic way discussion more then once, before me and after. Since the years since my divorce have been the only time I have lived on my own, I have found how much I enjoy it. As we have met each others friends, family and openly enjoy doing whatever we want whenever we want, time has marched on and here we are.

 

2) Concerns about his health intensified with age and his unrelenting pushing and neglect of himself. Last Winter I went NC after I told him I will not stand here and watch him kill himself with work. He had sent me a pic and in truth it made me cry he looked so worn out and grey. He looked twenty years older than his age. So for five months we did not speak. He has a FB account, that is only friends with my friends and family. So yes it wasn't complete no contact because after three or four months I looked at it. He also is very close with a family member of mine, so I always knew if something bad happened I would get a heads up. I did date somewhat during this time, really good catches I was told but there is just no spark for me.

 

Long story short he addressed the health issues and seems healthier and realizes he was pushing the envelope. He said this am he would probably be dead if he hadn't.

 

3) As I mentioned above we have been involved for over 8 years. Eight years of passion and excitement, love and dispair, happiness and pain. I love him and he loves me. He IS my best friend. My family loves him, even my sister whose husband left her for another woman. She loves him. My friends adore him, and his friends told me in the beginning they have never seen him happier, and to please not hurt him. He has had tremendous loss in his life, as I have.

 

Sometimes life takes a turn that you never thought it would, and that happened with us. All that being said:

 

He is a people pleaser.

He is conflict advoidant.

He loves his children and is a wonderful Father.

He is a great provider.

 

We support one another. But there has been difficult, harsh times and many moments spent apart. I make no apologies for my affair. Yes ,there are three people in this, but we two are not the only ones getting what we want, or not getting it.

 

Take Care.

 

Doublegold,

Thank you for coming back and responding. I appreciate it.

 

 

Your post is the first that has given me significant pause to ponder my relationship with my AP. It's helpful to me to receive commentary from someone who is involved in a long term affair and is actually content in it.

 

 

I'm very glad that your NC implementation was actually very helpful to your AP and he came back and was grateful for it. I think that says a lot about the love you and he share as well as your strength. NC scares me a bit to frank because I don't know how he and I would do it with us being so connected in our lives outside of our relationship. I'm glad that hasn't been something we've felt the need to do.

 

 

Thank you for citing the pros as well as the cons of a long term affair. He and I have helped each other through some difficult issues but most of that was before we become romantically involved. So I can understand from your post that it would behoove me to keep that in mind over the course of our relationship.

 

 

I think it's wonderful that you have the support of family and friends. That's helps a lot. We are convinced his mother knows. She and I get along very well and she said something to me last year in private about she knew her son was missing something, it had been weighing heavily on her heart, and now he isn't. She said she knows it is because of me and it gives her relief. She asked me to look after him and to let him do the same for me. She said, "All I want is for my only child to be happy and you make him very happy."

 

 

Since then she's done these interesting things for just the two of us...

 

 

For instance, she sends us both inspirational messages once a week (we never know the day but the time is always at 5am). She told us that the messages only are for our eyes only, for us to share them with only each other, discuss them. The messages are often about love and friendship.

 

 

She invites me over when he's there without his wife but then when I try to chat her up because she invited me, she shoos me to wherever he is in the house and tell me, "Go spend time." But she doesn't ever shoo me when we it's just she and I. Then she talks me ear off and I love it!

 

 

As of now, I don't have any regrets. I suppose down the line I could have many of them but I can't imagine ever regretting the love between us.

 

 

Thank you for your post. It really is helpful to me and is giving me something to ponder.

[whichwayisup]

 

But... all that is EASY to say when it hasn't happened on BOTH our ends.

 

That's the thing, neither of you can completely guarantee a commitment or a promise to one another if your husband and his wife finds out about your affair, everything will change. Neither of you know how you're going to feel/react either. It's one thing to know that what you're doing is going to hurt and devastate your spouses, it's another when they actually find out and you have see that pain and face it, look your spouse in the eyes and deal with the fallout. And that fallout affects many people on both sides.

[Kat Keller]

That's the thing, neither of you can completely guarantee a commitment or a promise to one another if your husband and his wife finds out about your affair, everything will change. Neither of you know how you're going to feel/react either. It's one thing to know that what you're doing is going to hurt and devastate your spouses, it's another when they actually find out and you have see that pain and face it, look your spouse in the eyes and deal with the fallout. And that fallout affects many people on both sides.

 

That's true with ANY relationship though. No one can absolutely guarantee commitment without a shadow of a doubt. You take a risk in ANY relationship. All anyone can do is go in with the best of intentions toward one another.

[aileD]

That's true with ANY relationship though. No one can absolutely guarantee commitment without a shadow of a doubt. You take a risk in ANY relationship. All anyone can do is go in with the best of intentions toward one another.

 

 

I think for those of us who have seen our children go through this and how it has changed their lives negatively and changed who they are as people--we are just desperately trying to get you to realize that your actions affect more than just you. I'm not trying to be mean, It's just really hard to grasp your carefree attitude when I know first hand what your children will go through when this blows up. I feel so bad for them because I see it firsthand in my children.

 

I also know what it feels like to find out your husband has been cheating and feel like your whole life has been a lie. I pray yours never finds out.

 

Anyway good luck in everything

[oldbutcurious]

"He does like resting with me."

 

I do not know how you do that when you are both married and had to go home...

 

I mean well...

 

Also, you seem so sedate. Or worried and serious. Sorry- I am just this - person who looks for fun and laugh most of the time and by the way you wrote your story.

 

IMO, if you bowed to be for the other person esp. in time of need, then, be there and refrain from cancelling.

 

(If that were me, I'd be 5-10 minutes early!)

[Quiet Storms]

So given the moderator guidance, I went back and re-read your original post to be sure I addressed what you were seeking. You said that you wanted to vent (totally good!) and that you were looking for "comments on your situation". It seems that some of the comments you didn't like, because they were not what you wanted to hear. So with that in mind, I will try to avoid giving you "advice" and comment on your situation as I see it.

 

Frankly, I see your situation as a preface of many of the members that are here posting. Most people don't come here when they are happily engaged in an affair. Most come when things go bad.

 

What I see is a situation similar to most, that will likely end the same way as most. You are just in the earlier phases compared to most who post. And your posts are sort of delusional that way, not really realizing what the possible outcomes could be. I do agree with the others that you seem to be living in a kind of fantasy land.

 

I'm not being critical; I've been there.

 

One question I had when reading through your thread -- you said at one point that you told you husband that he could go find physical release somewhere else. And he said NO!

 

Okay... first of all, if my boyfriend (no husband) said that to me, I would be devastated. You said he doesn't like "affection" (with you). But he is a human being, so he has emotional needs. Presumably he thought, when he married you, that you would meet those emotional needs and sexual needs too. And now you are telling him to go find his sexual needs elsewhere, and ignoring his emotional needs. Do you think you are being a good partner to him?

 

I am wondering this... what if you were to find out that he was having an affair ("in love") with your AP's wife? What would you feel or think or do?

 

When you are all on vacation together, you and AP go off on your own to do your hobby things... so where does that leave his wife and your H? Ummm.... together!

 

Either way, your H needs to have his sexual and emotional needs met, and you aren't doing it. So I'm wondering what you would think if you found out he found someone else that he was in love with, who was meeting those needs? Just curious.

[Kat Keller]

I think for those of us who have seen our children go through this and how it has changed their lives negatively and changed who they are as people--we are just desperately trying to get you to realize that your actions affect more than just you. I'm not trying to be mean, It's just really hard to grasp your carefree attitude when I know first hand what your children will go through when this blows up. I feel so bad for them because I see it firsthand in my children.

 

I also know what it feels like to find out your husband has been cheating and feel like your whole life has been a lie. I pray yours never finds out.

 

Anyway good luck in everything

 

 

Thank you for your response.

 

 

I'm not seeking the normative advice here that many people engaged in affairs do when they post here. The fact that I'm reacting in this thread the way some people here don't comprehend has absolutely no bearing on whether I care or not about my family. The notion that I don't care about my family is absolute false.

 

 

The fact is I do care. However, the fact is that I made a choice to be involved with my AP romantically and simply because I'm not handling that choice the way some people here think is best is not an indication that I don't care. It's an indication that I'm not here to be lectured about how I should be reacting to anything. So that kind of commentary will automatically be dismissed because I don't need anyone to tell me how I should feel, what to feel, when to feel it, or how to display those feelings.

 

 

I mean that will all due respect.

 

 

BUT ONCE AGAIN FOR THE RECORD:

 

 

I'm fully aware that the exposure of an affairs can cause considerable damage and I've never been under any delusions about that... I've conveyed that NUMEROUS times in this thread and if because I don't react how others deem "appropriate" that's really an issue for them, not me.

[Kat Keller]

"He does like resting with me."

 

I do not know how you do that when you are both married and had to go home...

 

I mean well...

 

Also, you seem so sedate. Or worried and serious. Sorry- I am just this - person who looks for fun and laugh most of the time and by the way you wrote your story.

 

IMO, if you bowed to be for the other person esp. in time of need, then, be there and refrain from cancelling.

 

(If that were me, I'd be 5-10 minutes early!)

 

 

We have a private places that we go to sometimes in order to relax together... and no we don't spend the night in most cases but we certainly have spent nights together when we could manage it.

 

I tend to be rather formal when writing in most cases to people whom I don't know so I suppose that's the "sedate" manner that comes across. Also, I've though extensively about our situation and so I'm not in any turmoil about it so there is not reason for me to display needless emotion here at least in this particular instance.

 

 

I only can be me so the fact that I'm not writing in a way that is "emotional" enough for some people here doesn't mean that I don't understand the gravity and significance of a situation. And I absolutely care.

 

 

And yes, I won't be cancelling anymore dates without his consent. Since this thread he and I have talked (in fact I'm on the phone with him now... LOL) and have seen each other...he told me that he would prefer we discuss it and I'm absolutely in agreement.

[kgcolonel]

Kat,

 

Okay, I get it...you are comfortable with your current situation but i have a couple of questions if you don't mind.

 

1. If you found out the roles were reversed, and your Husband was involved with someone that you thought was the wife of a couple that were good friends, what would your reaction be? i.e. divorce, accept, be hurt, be okay with it as he is happy....seriously, no judgement here just curious as you do have a very unique perspective of this situation.

 

2. The comfort level you have with where you are, have you ever thought of becoming poly? If you were to go to your husband, do you think your relationship with him is strong enough to allow this and potentially enter into an outside relationship as well?

 

3. If this came out, and your children and family (parents) found out, what would be your course of action?

 

4. If your husband found out and did not demand NC but as expected was extremely hurt, what would you do to make him feel better, emotionally?

 

KG

[mja246]

This is a difficult situation OP, and you seem to be heartened by this. My experience with a woman who was extremely sick, she had transplants, etc., and medicine routines drained what used to be the person I was with to some new person I would likely have never talked with or wanted to meet. Harsh, but true. Turns out the woman I left her for (a friend for 1-2 years prior) was toxic, although she seemed perfect in the beginning stages. We gave it a go for years but it just didn't work. I loved this OW and still love her, but understand we just didn't match and I had to move on and grow because I found I had issues myself but didn't realize it. That relationship forced my to understand ins and outs of healthy adult relationships. An important note is both of those previous partners and my current one knows this surface information, but doesn't need to know all the details.

 

I'm approaching this from a relationship perspective, not a marriage perspective at all which I believe is the wrong approach. Please don't take this as harshly critical. It takes a very mature adult to realize somethings up and take criticism, so here goes.

 

I will first say, boundaries, where are they? This is all out in the open online, but one or the other's partner, or both, have no clue. I'm not saying they need to know, but do tread carefully with this new partner. This tells me boundaries in both yours and his relationships are not set. Or they're not ultimately respected, this will carry over in future relationships that seem loving and healthy at first, if it's not addressed. Secondly, it's unfortunate he is married because you can bet he's had another "love of his life" before you. There's some detachment or idolizing going on here, again tread carefully.

 

You've said in other words that he is emotionally unavailable to your needs for whatever reasons, I'm no psychiatrist, but you seem to become more negatively influenced through his detachment. His attempts to console you do not make up for the cause of his behavior - that's an important distinction. If your needs are not met now, don't bet on those needs beeing met in the future if the relationship dynamic changes.

 

My biggest takeaway from my experiences are - generally when a relationship partner is toxic or unavailable (work, family, sig other, etc.) to the point we are distressesed, this are a reflection of ourselves. We allow ourselves to be in these situations, is there not something as toxic and unavailable in us to match? If not, why do we continue in the relationship or not put our foot down when we become emotionally turmoiled? Why don't we say enough is enough and follow through? If not to mold that toxic behavior into our fibrils. The reason why toxicity is bad, is because we don't realize it and won't believe someome who tells us, by the time we're finished we have more questions than answers and we're back at square one. Health and happiness begins from taking a long hard look at ourselves. Healthy relations should contain a positive emotional consistency (not necessarily 100% happiness), harmful relations cause significant distress and life altering turmoil which believe me worsens over time. Both are generally a window into our true emotions of ourselves. Take care of #1 first, and you'll find your way.

Edited April 8, 2017 by mja246

[whichwayisup]

That's true with ANY relationship though. No one can absolutely guarantee commitment without a shadow of a doubt. You take a risk in ANY relationship. All anyone can do is go in with the best of intentions toward one another.

 

You're not understanding what I mean. And yes, many CAN guarantee commitment with a shadow of doubt, that is if both are single and available. Though MOST can't that are having an affair. How can anybody commit to another while still being married and sharing a life with someone else?

 

Let's say there is a DDAY and your MM has a huge change of heart seeing the pain he's caused his wife and family by having the A exposed. He chooses to end it all with you to save his marriage even if that means NC with you forever. Or vice versa, something in you changes when you see the pain in your husbands eyes and also have to face your in laws or even your own siblings and parents after Dday. Your situation is double betrayal since you all know one another and are involved so you never know how things will play out.

[Jemima1234]

Sure you can ask... I think you did.

 

 

1. Anywhere from 1-4 times a week. It can vary. This is because my job sometimes uses his company to do work for us and I'm the contact person so there are times when he and I have to work together. Besides that, we are on some of the same community boards so we have to attend meetings together, our kids are involved in the same youth organizations in which we both volunteered for, and our families have membership in the same religious organization in which we all are active. Plus he and I do activities together sometimes that our spouses have no interest in doing like any other normal best friends

 

2. On occasion. It's very sporadic. Sometimes it could be weeks or months gone by when we haven't.

 

Ok thanks for the input. I ask this as an OW who is trying to process a lot of stuff (I am married also). If you still have sex with your spouse is your marriage that bad? Does your AP know you still hav sex with spouse? And how does he feel about it? Does he with his? I guess I wonder if your marriage isn't that bad and you are risking it here.