My Best Friend is My AP...

[Kat Keller]

Kat,

 

Okay, I get it...you are comfortable with your current situation but i have a couple of questions if you don't mind.

 

1. If you found out the roles were reversed, and your Husband was involved with someone that you thought was the wife of a couple that were good friends, what would your reaction be? i.e. divorce, accept, be hurt, be okay with it as he is happy....seriously, no judgement here just curious as you do have a very unique perspective of this situation.

 

 

I would be happy for him. And I would want to discuss how we can make it work for all of us and our children.

 

2. The comfort level you have with where you are, have you ever thought of becoming poly? If you were to go to your husband, do you think your relationship with him is strong enough to allow this and potentially enter into an outside relationship as well?

 

 

Yes, I have. My husband is not interested.

 

3. If this came out, and your children and family (parents) found out, what would be your course of action?

 

 

We'd talk to our spouse and see what they expected and wanted first then go from there. That would have to be the first thing because that would determine which plan of action to take.

 

4. If your husband found out and did not demand NC but as expected was extremely hurt, what would you do to make him feel better, emotionally?

 

KG

 

 

There really is nothing that I think a person can do to make another person feel better. Emotions are something a person has to process on their own. And I don't think there would be any amount of comforting that I tried to do would be enough. Either a person can let go of something or they can't. At the end of the day, an affair is a violation of marriage vows. I don't have any misunderstandings about it and never have had any. But I most certainly would listen to my husband's feelings and thoughts. I'd make a tremendous effort to support him emotionally as best I could in whatever ways he said that he needed. I'd tell my AP that I needed some time to be there for my husband and he's incredibly understanding. I have no doubt he'd support me. He's always supported me in everything that I do regardless of the situation. He'd even try to help.

[Kat Keller]

Ok thanks for the input. I ask this as an OW who is trying to process a lot of stuff (I am married also). If you still have sex with your spouse is your marriage that bad? Does your AP know you still hav sex with spouse? And how does he feel about it? Does he with his? I guess I wonder if your marriage isn't that bad and you are risking it here.

 

I'm not sure I understand your question... Can you rephrase because the syntax is not making sense to me.

 

 

"If you still have sex with your spouse is your marriage that bad?"

 

 

I don't follow what you are trying to ask here.

 

 

Of course my AP knows that my husband and I have sex sometimes. We are very open with each other. He and his wife haven't had sex in a long time but if they were to have it, he'd tell me (as he has in the past), and I'd be fine with it. She's his wife. I'm not going to begrudge him sex with his wife for goodness sakes.

 

 

As far as how we feel about it... Both my AP and I have discussed this and are of the mindset that we knew going into this that we are married to other people. Sex is a normative part of many marriages (not all) so if it is to happen...then so be it. However, we are very open about it. We always tell each other and if either of us has any feeling about it, we discuss it. My AP is always supportive. In fact, we've discussed marital sex issues well before we became romantic. As I've said he was my best friend. Maybe best friends discuss the intimate details of their personal life because they share secrets between them that they wouldn't with anyone else. He's my closest confidant and I am his. I think why our relationship works so well is because he and I have always maintained that our relationship is a free zone. We can talk about anything and we do. And I do mean ANYTHING.

[Kat Keller]

You're not understanding what I mean. And yes, many CAN guarantee commitment with a shadow of doubt, that is if both are single and available. Though MOST can't that are having an affair. How can anybody commit to another while still being married and sharing a life with someone else?

 

Let's say there is a DDAY and your MM has a huge change of heart seeing the pain he's caused his wife and family by having the A exposed. He chooses to end it all with you to save his marriage even if that means NC with you forever. Or vice versa, something in you changes when you see the pain in your husbands eyes and also have to face your in laws or even your own siblings and parents after Dday. Your situation is double betrayal since you all know one another and are involved so you never know how things will play out.

 

 

Yeah I understood exactly what you mean. It's absolutely false that anyone can 100% guarantee because when face with a situation feelings vary but I do believe a lot of people go in with the best of intentions. That's about all one can guarantee for sure... is trying to go into something with good intentions. So you and I are at a disagreement here. So I'll respectfully leave it at that... thank you.

[Kat Keller]

This is a difficult situation OP, and you seem to be heartened by this. My experience with a woman who was extremely sick, she had transplants, etc., and medicine routines drained what used to be the person I was with to some new person I would likely have never talked with or wanted to meet. Harsh, but true. Turns out the woman I left her for (a friend for 1-2 years prior) was toxic, although she seemed perfect in the beginning stages. We gave it a go for years but it just didn't work. I loved this OW and still love her, but understand we just didn't match and I had to move on and grow because I found I had issues myself but didn't realize it. That relationship forced my to understand ins and outs of healthy adult relationships. An important note is both of those previous partners and my current one knows this surface information, but doesn't need to know all the details.

 

I'm approaching this from a relationship perspective, not a marriage perspective at all which I believe is the wrong approach. Please don't take this as harshly critical. It takes a very mature adult to realize somethings up and take criticism, so here goes.

 

I will first say, boundaries, where are they? This is all out in the open online, but one or the other's partner, or both, have no clue. I'm not saying they need to know, but do tread carefully with this new partner. This tells me boundaries in both yours and his relationships are not set. Or they're not ultimately respected, this will carry over in future relationships that seem loving and healthy at first, if it's not addressed. Secondly, it's unfortunate he is married because you can bet he's had another "love of his life" before you. There's some detachment or idolizing going on here, again tread carefully.

 

You've said in other words that he is emotionally unavailable to your needs for whatever reasons, I'm no psychiatrist, but you seem to become more negatively influenced through his detachment. His attempts to console you do not make up for the cause of his behavior - that's an important distinction. If your needs are not met now, don't bet on those needs beeing met in the future if the relationship dynamic changes.

 

My biggest takeaway from my experiences are - generally when a relationship partner is toxic or unavailable (work, family, sig other, etc.) to the point we are distressesed, this are a reflection of ourselves. We allow ourselves to be in these situations, is there not something as toxic and unavailable in us to match? If not, why do we continue in the relationship or not put our foot down when we become emotionally turmoiled? Why don't we say enough is enough and follow through? If not to mold that toxic behavior into our fibrils. The reason why toxicity is bad, is because we don't realize it and won't believe someome who tells us, by the time we're finished we have more questions than answers and we're back at square one. Health and happiness begins from taking a long hard look at ourselves. Healthy relations should contain a positive emotional consistency (not necessarily 100% happiness), harmful relations cause significant distress and life altering turmoil which believe me worsens over time. Both are generally a window into our true emotions of ourselves. Take care of #1 first, and you'll find your way.

 

 

I'm not sure if you meant to put this in someone else's thread or what but this really doesn't apply to my situation at all...

 

 

I have a great relationship with my AP and always have...he's always been there for me emotionally anytime I need him. It's one of the man reasons why I love him so much because he always puts taking care of my emotions BEFORE his own. There is nothing "toxic" about our relationship and there never ever has been. He's my best friend and was emotionally available to me at every turn even before we crossed romantic lines. So I just don't think you know what you are talking about concerning he and I. No disrespect meant... just clarifying because I don't see what anything you have said has to do with my dynamic.

[carhill]

Sounds like you're looking for tools to manage the day-to-day stuff to a more neutral level. I know it's tough with EA's but there is the friend aspect too, where expectations have less emotional content, like you would with any platonic male friend. You just happen to have one with a bit extra oomph.

 

Another thing to consider is you just may not be cut out for parallel relationships. Some folks are, some aren't. MW's I've known have run the gamut. Some are excellent in focusing and managing more than one or two parallel relationships. Others can't focus and get stuck and vacillate. I used to call those rubber bands. Never knew how things would go. Yeah, it was sometimes intriguing but got old over time.

 

Another aspect is the love aspect, how we love people differently and express that. You could choose to love this guy differently and dissolve some of the 'stuff' that you shared in your OP; level things out. Then again, that may not be possible for you or you may not want to. You know your situation and mind best. Whatever he does or says is outside of your control. OTOH, what you do or say you control completely. Up to you where you want to go.

 

I didn't see a timeline mentioned in the OP.... how long has this been going on? I assume years but?? I've seen a few go on for a decade or more. Usually it's less because men are generally unsatisfied with EA's but everyone is different.

[Kat Keller]

Sounds like you're looking for tools to manage the day-to-day stuff to a more neutral level. I know it's tough with EA's but there is the friend aspect too, where expectations have less emotional content, like you would with any platonic male friend. You just happen to have one with a bit extra oomph.

 

Another thing to consider is you just may not be cut out for parallel relationships. Some folks are, some aren't. MW's I've known have run the gamut. Some are excellent in focusing and managing more than one or two parallel relationships. Others can't focus and get stuck and vacillate. I used to call those rubber bands. Never knew how things would go. Yeah, it was sometimes intriguing but got old over time.

 

Another aspect is the love aspect, how we love people differently and express that. You could choose to love this guy differently and dissolve some of the 'stuff' that you shared in your OP; level things out. Then again, that may not be possible for you or you may not want to. You know your situation and mind best. Whatever he does or says is outside of your control. OTOH, what you do or say you control completely. Up to you where you want to go.

 

I didn't see a timeline mentioned in the OP.... how long has this been going on? I assume years but?? I've seen a few go on for a decade or more. Usually it's less because men are generally unsatisfied with EA's but everyone is different.

 

I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to convey. We are managing well. My concern was for him being overextended due to some unexpected circumstances for a short period of time. I just wanted him to get some rest and figure out how to navigate helping him without being overbearing. I canceled a date because I had concerns about him getting some sleep. If you read thread you will see how this was concluded. It worked out well.

 

 

We've been best friends for over six years. In a romantic relationship for a bit over two years. I have no complaints about him. He's everything I want and then some. I was simply worried about making sure he's taking care of HIMSELF. He assured me he is and thanked me for my continued support. I'm at peace with the situation. It's settled.

[carhill]

So why I am Ihere seeking support? Well, I find myself struggling with some aspects of lifeas an AP.

 

That's what I was addressing, from decades of dealing with MW's. Sorry to intrude. Back to moderating.

[Kat Keller]

That's what I was addressing, from decades of dealing with MW's. Sorry to intrude. Back to moderating.

 

No problem. The issue was about me being concerned about his well being in general and how to navigate that not the fact that we are in a relationship. But thank you for posting. That was nice of you.

[Birdies]

I didn't see a timeline mentioned in the OP.... how long has this been going on? I assume years but?? I've seen a few go on for a decade or more. Usually it's less because men are generally unsatisfied with EA's but everyone is different.

 

Oh it's not just an EA - they're getting it on. Right, OP?

[Tulipwood]

Kat you asked for comments and it would be a really good idea to read them with an open mind again. You don't have a impartial view in your real life for someone to just listen to you and like you said the affair partner is obviously to close to the situation. You need the impartial view, it will be important for your mental health.

 

I myself think you need to think about ego stroking. It seems there is a lot of that going on which to me is unsustainable and not realistic to real life.

 

"I don’t have any outlet to discuss this situation and my feelings about it because normally I'd go to him as he's my best friend but it's too close. He and I have agreed that we must not ever discuss our affair with anyone that we know personally. Yet, I need to be able to get my feelings out. So, I’m here for that and hopefully some gain reasonable feedback on this matter since it doesn’t violate my agreement with him. Thank you in advance for reading this and any comments."

[AutumnMoon]

I suppose my situation is the most similar here.

 

Very recently though my MM has been very convinced this is it, that we should work towards divorce and be together.

Scares the crap out of me because I don't deal great with change.

 

Not because I don't want to be with him. I do. But it's very hard to make the leap.

 

What would you do if your man proposed the same ?

[JustJoe]

Thank you for your opinion. We clearly have a different concept of fairytales! I don't see your post as mean but I see it as misguided and misdirected. For the record, I don't see him as an armored knight, I'm not a princess (but the notion makes me chuckle) and I don't see his wife as any vamp that disrupts our love.

 

 

He's a married man who happens to be my best friend and made the conscious decision to become involved in an romantic relationship with me. I'm a married woman who happens to be his best friend and made the conscious decision to become involved in a romantic relationship with him. His wife is a woman who he opted to marry and have a family with (just as I did with my own husband) and I don't see her as my nemesis or some villain disrupting what I have with him.

 

 

Furthermore, she has no power over our love one way or the other. The only people who do are he and I. So I don't have any petty issues with her over the simple fact that she's married to him. To me, to take some issue with her solely because she's his wife is pointless and animosity that I just simply don't feel. The man has been my best friend for years. I knew he was married when we became friends and he knew that I was when we become friends. If I couldn't handle the fact that he's married, I would have never become friends with him at all years prior.

 

 

I respect that you feel affairs are wrong. I don't condone affairs but I don't condemn all of them either as I don't see every affair situation as exactly the same because situations and circumstances vary. My relationship with him is very real (and since it is MY relationship with him then I'm the best judge of the authenticity of it besides him) and as I said in my OP that we have every intention of continuing it. Even if we stopped being romantically involved or had never gotten romantically involved, I've been his best friend for years so I was a huge part of his life and vice versa before anyway.

 

 

I am not looking for advice regarding ending the continuation of my relationship with him because that's not an issue for us since we are both in agreement about having an extramarital relationship with each other indefinitely. But I'm very well aware of the possibility that things can change.

This sounds like a justification post, to me. Listen, OP you are on a website where a great many people have been permanently damaged by adultery. and while some of us want to answer your questions, you also have to realize that very, very few will do so without telling you that you are doing a great wrong to your families and Spouses. You seem to believe in the myth of an affair without consequences or an affair that causes no harm..I am a former OM in an affair and I can tell you from experience that THERE IS NO SUCH THING, and if you believe otherwise you are deluding yourself. The idea that friendship leads to adultery is simply not born out by facts.

[zanwalk]

Hello and thank you for your thoughtful post. I appreciate it. I understand that people will be in opposition to how I have chosen to live my life. I get it and that's fine. I'm not asking for approval.

 

I don't take pride in having an affair but at the same time I feel like our situations are such that it needs to be this way for us at this time in ALL our lives. We want to raise our children with the people we married. Neither of our spouses want divorces. We also are part of a community. We do things together. We enjoy that and our kids being close. I understand that our relationship in a romantic sense is selfish but our lives were a lot more stressful and painful BEFORE we met each other and became best friends. Neither of us planned on any affairs. Frankly, we didn't even plan on being best friends. We just get along extraordinarily well and it went from there.

 

 

I can't imagine my life without him and he's expressed the same to me. If he wanted to end things today as far as our romantic relationship, I'd respect his decision, support him, and love him just the same but stay in ONLY a best friend role. It was not easy to accept that we were in love and we sort of avoided it for a long time. But then we realize we HAD to talk about it and figure out what on earth we were going to do. We made the decision to be happy but at the same time not break up our families.

 

 

It's not a black and white matter but I understand how others can sit back, not be in my exact situation, not know every detail of it and judge it as if they know all about it. People do that... that's part of life. But I'm strong enough to stand up for what I believe is right for ME. If others don't' approve they have EVERY right not to approve. However, all the personal attack are not an indication of my character in the least...it's an indication of theirs. So I'm not deterred from being here or posting here as long as it's ok with the staff/moderator for me to be here.

 

 

I'm not interested in hurting anyone here and I'm not interested in being personally attacked for sport either. Hence why some posts that went there were simply ignored.

 

 

Once again, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read my thread and respond in a way that is respectful.

 

Hello Kat,

 

I have read through this thread and some of the things do resonate with my experiences many years ago. It would appear that your arrangement uniquely seems to suit all parties involved, which is a very rare thing. From what you say I sense that both the spouses not involved in this are perhaps turning a blind eye to what is going on, either because they don't want to believe it or more likely that it suits them, particularly if they are aware that you two have no thought of divorce and tearing families apart.

 

As you say, circumstances do change and unforeseen events happen which may well change the perceptions and feelings of those involved. However, you both appear to appreciate this and have made contingency plans, time will tell if you are right.

 

As it has been going on a while now my guess is that because you are obviously careful not to be overt about the affair, your respective spouses feel it is much better not to rock the boat. I would find it difficult to believe that they did not have an inkling that something was going on given that you frequently spend time on your own together and you do this openly.

 

It may very well be that your husband for instance has completely different emotional needs to you, (as is the case with my wife and I) and so I can certainly empathise with your situation.

 

I trust that all the children involved do not suffer any harm through this, and I am sure that is your desire as well. I wish you all the best for the future.

[JustJoe]

Hello Kat,

 

I have read through this thread and some of the things do resonate with my experiences many years ago. It would appear that your arrangement uniquely seems to suit all parties involved, which is a very rare thing. From what you say I sense that both the spouses not involved in this are perhaps turning a blind eye to what is going on, either because they don't want to believe it or more likely that it suits them, particularly if they are aware that you two have no thought of divorce and tearing families apart.

 

As you say, circumstances do change and unforeseen events happen which may well change the perceptions and feelings of those involved. However, you both appear to appreciate this and have made contingency plans, time will tell if you are right.

 

As it has been going on a while now my guess is that because you are obviously careful not to be overt about the affair, your respective spouses feel it is much better not to rock the boat. I would find it difficult to believe that they did not have an inkling that something was going on given that you frequently spend time on your own together and you do this openly.

 

It may very well be that your husband for instance has completely different emotional needs to you, (as is the case with my wife and I) and so I can certainly empathise with your situation.

 

I trust that all the children involved do not suffer any harm through this, and I am sure that is your desire as well. I wish you all the best for the future.

Thi is wishful thinking. If you are a parent, you simply cannot "trust" or "hope" that the kids needs are being met, while you selfishly pursue you own gratification. The time and energy used to play slap and tickle with your AP's has to come at the expense of your respective families.

I have respect for open marriages, but as long as your spouses remain in the dark, this is not what is going on here. So your protestations of affection and respect for your spouses isn't the truth, is it? Where is the respect? Where is the love?

[JustJoe]

I, and others will gladly answer your questions, but you would get a better response if you quit trying to justify and excuse. Remember.....most of us have BTDT and have used the same excuses.

[EZNona]

I don't think the OP is making justifications or excuses at all. I find the OP to be very blunt and honest, straight-forward, and she lays it out as the situation is... I think because the OP is not expressing conflicting feelings about her affair, people are assuming she is delusional and upset that she is not remorseful or expressing herself in a way that suits what they think an AP should act/behave. The OP makes no apologies for her affair, but not in a soulless way in my opinion.

 

I don't think she is delusional. I think she has accepted her situation the way it is and is content with it for now. What I find most intriguing about this affair is that both the OP and her AP seem to have very equal footing in their relationship. No one is waiting for the other to leave their spouse or to make a decision on anything. They have discussed this situation at length and decided together on how to manage it. The power in this relationship is very equal which is not usually the case.

 

The mother of the AP has clearly figured out what is going on and I'm sure many others have as well, including the spouses. From where I can see, I would not be surprised if the spouses know and have just accepted things as they are since it does not effect them negatively enough to do anything about it.

 

I'm not into affairs/cheating. I hate them really. But I do genuinely hope the OP and her AP can find the courage to divorce their spouses and be together 100% as couple. I actually think they have found their match with each other and should be together without the 'secret' being there anymore.

[DKT3]

I think she is long gone

[smi11ie]

You should just take the plunge, leave your husband and go and be with this guy. I am sure your husband would prefer have a similar relationship and you will be doing him a favour in the long run. He won't see it that way at first obviously but when he finds the right person he can have what you have. I can't see where this is going. A secret love affair with a best friend is probably going to be found out. Your husband might be suspicious already. He might not be as smart as you, but he might feel it, and then guess.

[freengreen]

I don't think the OP is making justifications or excuses at all. I find the OP to be very blunt and honest, straight-forward, and she lays it out as the situation is... I think because the OP is not expressing conflicting feelings about her affair, people are assuming she is delusional and upset that she is not remorseful or expressing herself in a way that suits what they think an AP should act/behave. The OP makes no apologies for her affair, but not in a soulless way in my opinion.

 

I don't think she is delusional. I think she has accepted her situation the way it is and is content with it for now. What I find most intriguing about this affair is that both the OP and her AP seem to have very equal footing in their relationship. No one is waiting for the other to leave their spouse or to make a decision on anything. They have discussed this situation at length and decided together on how to manage it. The power in this relationship is very equal which is not usually the case.

 

The mother of the AP has clearly figured out what is going on and I'm sure many others have as well, including the spouses. From where I can see, I would not be surprised if the spouses know and have just accepted things as they are since it does not effect them negatively enough to do anything about it.

 

I'm not into affairs/cheating. I hate them really. But I do genuinely hope the OP and her AP can find the courage to divorce their spouses and be together 100% as couple. I actually think they have found their match with each other and should be together without the 'secret' being there anymore.

Sounds like an open marriage senario only that it isnt officially open.

 

The adults have explained themselves what they are doing, this courtesy should extend to kids as well ,not to leave them confused.

[Kat Keller]

My original thread was: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/620236-my-best-friend-my-ap-5.html

 

 

I did mention in that thread that I was going on vacation with my AP and our families last week. So that is why I had not responded to posts so I'm guessing that is why it was locked. Not sure as I wasn't here. In any event, for those interested...I will give an update below and please see that thread link if you want background.

 

 

WHY AM I HERE: I am here to have dialogue with people who are in affairs or have had past experiences with them. So, I'm not here for counseling, not here to condone or condemn affairs, but I can appreciate those who offer warnings about the perils of extramarital affairs (dissenting opinions) just as much as I can appreciate someone who feels their affair is working well according to their personal standards when related respectfully. I will not entertain any question, commentary, or opinion given in a way that is rude, snarky, or clearly meant to be disrespectful, and violates forum guidelines. I won't even fully read those the second I see it. Otherwise, I will answer and respond accordingly to ALL with decency doesn't matter if you agree with my opinion or not.

 

 

Having said that: I think having an outlet for dialogue about an affair situation which is not marred in doubts and guilt is one of many perspectives. My experience is not one of guilt issues, being upset because he's married (I am married as well), or any second guessing being with him. Simply because I'm not in an affair with those issues doesn't make my experience (or anyone else's) less valid. I am fully aware that life changes and this may not always be the status quo but it is NOW for he and I so that is the perspective from which I am coming.

 

 

UPDATE:

 

 

The vacation went very well. It went all according to post #22 in the thread that I have linked above.

 

 

However, there is an issue (and I use that term very loosely as I mentioned in the other thread that we think his mother knows or suspects): She took me for a walk while we were at the cabins. She linked arms with me and we took a nice stroll which is not odd as she and I have always gotten along phenomenally. She didn't come right out and ask nor state that she knows her son and I are having an affair. But she was incredibly supportive of me, stated how much she loves her son, and his happiness is paramount to her. She reiterated that she's seen positive changes in him since he and I met six years ago and in the last two she's seen dramatic changes in his demeanor that she feels are for the better because she felt he was exhibiting signs of depression before. She told me that she loves me and considers me family. I didn't really do a lot of the talking. I just listened, nodded, and let her lead things. She didn't flat out ask anything besides if I understood that she really cares about me. I said yes and patted her hand as we walked arm in arm. Then she changed the subject to dinner and I followed suit.

 

When everyone left...I told my AP about this conversation that I had with him mother. He didn't respond. Instead, he got his laptop, told me to log into his work email, and locate the email from his mother while he made us lunch. He asked me to sit at the counter and read it aloud to him. So I obliged. She started the email with how much she loves him and some things she's observed over the years about him. She recounted several changes she saw in him for the positive in the last two years. Then she went into commentary about his marriage and why she knew eventually it would come to him not being fulfilled (she listed reasons) and cited how that has been very difficult for her to watch over the years as well as his father.

 

She mentioned how she always wished that her only child would find a compatible life partner like she found in his father. She said that she believes that he has found what he wants but because he feels locked in a marriage where she's certain that he feels there is nothing he can do about it because of the children, he's not made any strides forward. To which she wonders how painful and difficult it must be to endure considering he's so close to what he wants so often. His mother related that she understands him better than he knows, that she will always love, and support him unconditionally. She talked about me and why she understands our friendship (she used the term friendship). She said some really incredibly nice things about me.

 

She ended it by saying she loved us both and her grandchildren dearly but at some point a person has to make a decision, thought it might be very difficult and painful about moving forward with one's life. She said that she's in his corner no matter what he decides. So we aren't sure if she actually knows that we have begun an affair or if she just can see that we are in love and thinks we are holding back because we are married. He asked me if I'd be okay with him trying to find out and I said absolutely. Next week, he's going to take her to dinner and see exactly what's what on that front then let me know what transpired.

 

As far as he and I, the days we spent together were wonderful. I always feel great after being with him. We had a long talk and I did express to him the sentiments of some posters here who are in opposition. I wanted to know his perspective so I recounted some of the commentary. He said that while he can certainly see the point of many naysayers, the fact is the only people who can live for us is us...so we have to make our own decisions based on our own experiences and lifestyle not the proclamations of those with failed relationships. He asked me was I worried or scared. I told him that my main worry was for our children. He said that was his main worry but that is why we are raising them all together as we are and if our relationship comes to light then we will be there for our children like we always have as a team because either way we belong together in his mind, period.

 

We had discussions about the future and he did express to me that he does NOT want to spend the rest of our lives this way. He stated emphatically that he doesn't want to spend his life married to one woman but in love with another. He also mentioned that his mother was right...He said that there are times where he finds it difficult because he just wants a life with me that is out in the open even though he really doesn't care for the idea of hurting anyone. He said having me to help support him emotionally during those times makes all the difference.

 

We also discussed better and more effective ways to divide up our time. Basically, I will be doing much more cooking for both families and he will be doing pickup duties with all of our kids more often. His wife travels for work at times and so does my husband once in a while (not very often) but due to his work hours my husband is not able to participate in volunteering as much but he can make it to events (usually a little after they have begun but he absolutely makes it to almost all of them). His wife likes to cook but she's often tired from her traveling and work. So she's just not up to it a lot. In the past, I've cooked big family dinners for all of us or taken food over there for him and the kids (when his wife is traveling) due to him needing to deal with paperwork or conference calls, and trying to handle the kids, etc.

 

My AP has always helped me out with my kids because his schedule is more flexible than my husband's (like mine is more flexible than his wife's). We actually have each other down as secondary emergency contacts for the kids and each other. He and I are on all of the same community committees (including those for our kids) as well as all but one of the same religious organization. We made sure of that within the last year.

 

This way we figure that if we can create more of a balance with these things so he won't be exhausted as much, I won't be running around constantly then worrying, and we will have more quality time, too. We already see each other several times a week but it's usually dealing with day to day life things. And then we have our time when we do just go hang out for dinner, some kind of outing like (movies, concert, lounge, etc), or other things. We figured out a more succinct way to handle everything now that the unexpected situation he was dealing with is over.

 

I told him: If gets too hard, then he's more than free to go back completely to how things were prior to this, I will support his choice, and still be his best friend because I never set out to take him from his wife in the first place and still have no desire to do so. He said that wasn't going to happen because he's not in love with her. He said that I'm well aware that he stayed because he wanted to raise his children like his parents raised him and now that we are involved he's not going back on our agreed upon plan. He said that while this way is not ideal, it's working for right now and just seems the best alternative currently but not indefinitely.

 

I said: "While you are like your father in many ways, she's not like your mother though and you don't have the same family dynamic in your house that you grew up with... your parents were and still are in love to this day." He acknowledged that and said, "You and I could have that though. My mother was right in her email. At some point this is no longer going to be feasible."

 

My response was: "Yeah well, your parents weren't married with children to other people. They met in college."

 

He nodded and asked me just hold me after that which was fine. Anyway, we talked a bit more about the future and went over again how we'd continue our relationship but with these new things in place. We spent a lot of time just enjoying each other's company in peace and quiet which was nice. He and I can often just sit in silence holding each other and be fine.

 

I am happy with the trip, the outcome, and our decisions. Neither of us has any desire to end things not even remotely but his mother certainly raised a valid point in her email about having to eventually make a decision. Plus him saying he doesn't want to stay this way forever made me realize that I need to be actively thinking in that direction. I've always understood the situation is not ideal but I suppose I never had any concrete plans of actively trying to change things in the sense of he and I getting married to each other though I'm absolutely not opposed to it.

Edited April 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[DKT3]

In Eutopia it's all rainbows and unicorns, everyone loves everyone and no one gets hurt....To bad it isn't a real place except in the minds of a few.

 

Good luck hope the kids aren't damaged.

[Tulipwood]

Do you think perhaps it's time to sit down with your spouses and lay out what is happening and where you all see yourselfs in the future?

 

If each couple has issues within their marriages that will not or cannot be fixed than it's time for everyone to be on the same page. It's only fair that all four of you are aware of where at least two of you are at with each other.

 

My experience is different than yours, my husband had an affair than I had a revenge affair. It took ten years to find peace, I did live with former AP and that experience in itself was horrific.

 

As far as not hurting anyone, some one will be bound to be hurt which is another reason to tackle this situation sooner than later.

 

Just some things to think about:)

[BTDT2012]

I don't think you're going to find too many people to have a discussion with who are happily involved in affairs. Those people tend not to frequent message boards.

[Eight]

I notice you didn't mention him at all? What are his feelings on your marriage? Your relationship with your AP?

It's extremely difficult for me to see how this can be a healthy situation for ANYONE when you are investing all of your emotional love and much of your time into/with your AP and not your husband. You only speak of what YOU want. What your AP wants. Nowhere here do I see a mention of your husband. What's the point? A facade for the kids?

Why not be happy together in the open/honestly and show your children that people can and do make mistakes sometimes and the way to correct that is to gather up some integrity and face the consequences and move on. Why pretend everything is fine with each of your current marriages? That's doing no one any favors. I doubt very much your kids are in the dark.

It sounds so drama filled, stresssful and like a logistical nightmare to carry on two lives.

Who dates someone else when they are married?

I see lots of conflict avoidant people here.

[somanymistakes]

I can't remember if this issue was raised previously or not, but -

 

Setting aside the legal ramifications for the moment because they honestly aren't everything, how do you think everyone would feel if all four of you were an acknowledged single family? If you were everything you are now, but everyone knew that he was with both you and his wife, and you were with both him and your husband, and everyone was part of one extended family and made plans together?

 

I am not saying you can or should do this, but it's relevant in planning and deciding what you all want. If he could have both you and his wife openly, would he be happy with that, do you think? Would he prefer it to a divorce, if it were possible? And how about on your side? Would you rather keep both him and your husband, if you could, or not?