I snooped on my BF and don't know how to act now !

[Buttercat]

I drove to a parking lot to call my friend to let her know I left. I saw his car about a half hour later drive past. I went to follow him to see where he was going. He called me and asked where I was. I told him I was almost there. He asked why I'm lying to him. That he saw me at Dunkin' Donuts parking lot. He asked what my license plate number was. I told him I was talking to my friend who was having the fight with her bf and that I wasn't going to see her anymore. He asked why I didn't come back to the house. I told him I didn't want to. He said I have to get my stuff and he does his. I said I already got mine. He was surprised and pissed I snuck behind his back.

He asked why. I told him he should know. He denied denied denied he did anything. And that I'm breaking up over assumptions and this is how I'm gonna break up w him after 2.5 years?? Excuse me, I told him after two and a half years, what he did was far worse than me sneaking all my stuff out of his house.

 

Well done! Now block and heal.

[NTV]

Time for a new phase of your life. Don't look back.

[Trustinggirl]

I refused to talk to him, I stopped answering his texts and not picking up phone call. He just told me he's going to come to my place of work now. We are open at this time. It's actually my place of business. I don't want him to embarrass me in front of my employees and have to call the cops

[Trustinggirl]

He's called 12 times. He said if I don't answer him he will come to my job. My friend said not to let him come to my work. Does that mean I should answer his phone call?

[RecentChange]

I would send him a text back that he is NOT to come to your work place, and that your employer will immediately call the police if he does.

 

He has NO RIGHT to threaten you. So sorry you are going through this!

 

(Maybe tell him he has no right to threaten you and that you are documenting this as well)

[NTV]

At some point you should tel him that you don't want to see him anymore lol. Better sooner than later.

[EZNona]

He's called 12 times. He said if I don't answer him he will come to my job. My friend said not to let him come to my work. Does that mean I should answer his phone call?

 

Tell him to go call the hell out of that girl he was trying to hook up with!

 

Ok, I think I need to take a step back from story! lol

 

But seriously, stick to your guns. If you can avoid going to work, then don't go in...go stay by a friend's house instead.

[Trustinggirl]

I would send him a text back that he is NOT to come to your work place, and that your employer will immediately call the police if he does.

 

He has NO RIGHT to threaten you. So sorry you are going through this!

 

(Maybe tell him he has no right to threaten you and that you are documenting this as well)

 

Great idea! It will not be a good idea for him with the divorce and kids situation if I file a police report against him.

[Trustinggirl]

At some point you should tel him that you don't want to see him anymore lol. Better sooner than later.

 

He's trying to call and text me nonstop. I don't even want to hear his voice let alone see him ever again

[Trustinggirl]

Tell him to go call the hell out of that girl he was trying to hook up with!

 

Ok, I think I need to take a step back from story! lol

 

But seriously, stick to your guns. If you can avoid going to work, then don't go in...go stay by a friend's house instead.

 

I extra-like that suggestion lol!

[whichwayisup]

He's called 12 times. He said if I don't answer him he will come to my job. My friend said not to let him come to my work. Does that mean I should answer his phone call?

 

Threatening to show up like that at your work is disrespectful and just shows that he's not thinking clearly and has some issues...

 

Best bet is to talk to him after work on the phone, end it and just say you changed your mind and would rather be single. Since he's shown you some freaky behavior, no need to accuse him of cheating on you etc, it's just going to set him off more. Calm, short and sweet. Don't drag it out.

 

Get a friend to stay with you at your house, just in case or stay somewhere for a few days.

[starpower]

You've done really good. Obviously he'll want to know what you actually do know, so he can talk himself out of it. But it's pretty clear cut what he has been up-to.

[aileD]

Do you know any cops?

[NTV]

So what happened?

[Trustinggirl]

Good morning. He called and texted me basically nonstop from 8:30-midnight. I did respond to him after a while. He would not admit to anything of course, saying I never cheated on you, and don't want to. I'm the only one for him, he loves me. We can work it out. He asked what exactly he did, he needs to know what it is I think he did and that I am ending things all based on assumptions. I told him I just know and wouldn't reveal how. That a friend of mine saw him on a dating app. Once I said that, his response was: "dating app." Does that sound like the correct response for someone who is just accused of that?

 

I mentioned all the little things that I had noticed and it all made sense now: random late night texts while he was sleeping a couple nights, the things he was saying, his sudden interest in the MTV show Catfish. I took a pic of his phone of 6 late night texts from the same number at 2am he got and when asked about it the next morning he said I didn't get any texts. I told him I know don't lie and eventually he admitted it. Why all the lying? He just didn't want me to get jealous over nothing.

 

He deleted emails from her. I checked his profile on the app and he deleted that as well. After midnight, that woman replied to his email telling him she lives in the downtown area, does he want to come over tonight or tomorrow? She hopes he knows how to please her and hasn't touched or tasted a man's body for 2 months. Eww. That made me mad and I deleted it.

 

He's telling me we can work this out. He needs me, I'm the one that keeps him going in life, I'm the best thing that happened to him in a long time, I mean the world to him. These things did kind of soften me up, because I know they are true, but I told him yes, but u effed up. He said he didn't cheat and never cheated on me, hasn't been with anyone but me. I said yes but you were on a dating app. He said no he hasn't. He kept lying and did not admit one thing that I knew. I am saying these things to him because I know. Since I am correct, he should know that I really do know for sure and just admit it. His continued denials is just making me more distrustful of him and he just doesn't know that. I told him that at least my ex admitted that he wanted some variety and excitement and to be a man and just admit it to me. He pleaded for me to call him, I told him I would this morning, so he has texted me and called a few times since 9 am. I am about to call him.

Edited April 8, 2017 by Trustinggirl
additional detail

[Mr. Lucky]

Trustinggirl, all this negotiation is way too much work at this point.

 

Send him a screenshot of the OW text's and be done with it. If he's mad at you, that will act as a firewall preventing you from even considering a relapse with him in the future.

 

You know what a healthy relationship looks like, this isn't it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Trustinggirl, all this negotiation is way too much work at this point.

 

Send him a screenshot of the OW text's and be done with it. If he's mad at you, that will act as a firewall preventing you from even considering a relapse with him in the future.

 

You know what a healthy relationship looks like, this isn't it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agreed. At this point, I think you are caught up in the drama of it all...

 

End all communication with him and be done with it. He is not worth your time and energy.

Edited April 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[EZNona]

Good morning. He called and texted me basically nonstop from 8:30-midnight. I did respond to him after a while. He would not admit to anything of course, saying I never cheated on you, and don't want to. I'm the only one for him, he loves me. We can work it out. He asked what exactly he did, he needs to know what it is I think he did and that I am ending things all based on assumptions. I told him I just know and wouldn't reveal how. That a friend of mine saw him on a dating app. Once I said that, his response was: "dating app." Does that sound like the correct response for someone who is just accused of that?

 

I mentioned all the little things that I had noticed and it all made sense now: random late night texts while he was sleeping a couple nights, the things he was saying, his sudden interest in the MTV show Catfish. I took a pic of his phone of 6 late night texts from the same number at 2am he got and when asked about it the next morning he said I didn't get any texts. I told him I know don't lie and eventually he admitted it. Why all the lying? He just didn't want me to get jealous over nothing.

 

He deleted emails from her. I checked his profile on the app and he deleted that as well. After midnight, that woman replied to his email telling him she lives in the downtown area, does he want to come over tonight or tomorrow? She hopes he knows how to please her and hasn't touched or tasted a man's body for 2 months. Eww. That made me mad and I deleted it.

 

He's telling me we can work this out. He needs me, I'm the one that keeps him going in life, I'm the best thing that happened to him in a long time, I mean the world to him. These things did kind of soften me up, because I know they are true, but I told him yes, but u effed up. He said he didn't cheat and never cheated on me, hasn't been with anyone but me. I said yes but you were on a dating app. He said no he hasn't. He kept lying and did not admit one thing that I knew. I am saying these things to him because I know. Since I am correct, he should know that I really do know for sure and just admit it. His continued denials is just making me more distrustful of him and he just doesn't know that. I told him that at least my ex admitted that he wanted some variety and excitement and to be a man and just admit it to me. He pleaded for me to call him, I told him I would this morning, so he has texted me and called a few times since 9 am. I am about to call him.

 

And just think, if you hadn't have caught all this yourself and reacted so fast, he would be spending the weekend going to the downtown area going downtown on this woman. THINK ABOUT THAT!!

 

This guy doesn't know a thing about loyalty and commitment and he will only break your heart if you decide to get back with him. Even when faced with the opportunity to tell the truth, he can't. He's a liar and it comes easy to him, so you will never be able to trust him.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you....don't waste your best years on this unfaithful man who was ready and willing to put his relationship with you and your health at risk for some random hookups.

 

He's just not worth the hassle.

[aileD]

Good morning. He called and texted me basically nonstop from 8:30-midnight. I did respond to him after a while. He would not admit to anything of course, saying I never cheated on you, and don't want to. I'm the only one for him, he loves me. We can work it out. He asked what exactly he did, he needs to know what it is I think he did and that I am ending things all based on assumptions. I told him I just know and wouldn't reveal how. That a friend of mine saw him on a dating app. Once I said that, his response was: "dating app." Does that sound like the correct response for someone who is just accused of that?

 

I mentioned all the little things that I had noticed and it all made sense now: random late night texts while he was sleeping a couple nights, the things he was saying, his sudden interest in the MTV show Catfish. I took a pic of his phone of 6 late night texts from the same number at 2am he got and when asked about it the next morning he said I didn't get any texts. I told him I know don't lie and eventually he admitted it. Why all the lying? He just didn't want me to get jealous over nothing.

 

He deleted emails from her. I checked his profile on the app and he deleted that as well. After midnight, that woman replied to his email telling him she lives in the downtown area, does he want to come over tonight or tomorrow? She hopes he knows how to please her and hasn't touched or tasted a man's body for 2 months. Eww. That made me mad and I deleted it.

 

He's telling me we can work this out. He needs me, I'm the one that keeps him going in life, I'm the best thing that happened to him in a long time, I mean the world to him. These things did kind of soften me up, because I know they are true, but I told him yes, but u effed up. He said he didn't cheat and never cheated on me, hasn't been with anyone but me. I said yes but you were on a dating app. He said no he hasn't. He kept lying and did not admit one thing that I knew. I am saying these things to him because I know. Since I am correct, he should know that I really do know for sure and just admit it. His continued denials is just making me more distrustful of him and he just doesn't know that. I told him that at least my ex admitted that he wanted some variety and excitement and to be a man and just admit it to me. He pleaded for me to call him, I told him I would this morning, so he has texted me and called a few times since 9 am. I am about to call him.

 

Remember when I told you this:

 

I think you should retrieve all your stuff from his house when he's not around.

 

Then print out all the evidence, leave it on the bed with your key, and change your phone#/block ways of contacting you.

 

He's a sweet talker and he'll sweet talk his way out of this if you let him. He'll either make you question your sanity or turn it into a guilt trip for your snooping. Both are distraction tactics, don't fall for them.

 

He might even cry and tell you he has a problem but he loves you and never felt this way about anyone. That's also a distraction, making you think you're special to him . You already have evidence you're not.

 

And you don't want to get deeper into a relationship with a serial cheater. It never ends well. Save years of your life by walking away quietly.

[merrmeade]

You know I always read that before [that "no one should ever start dating someone that isn't done a 100% with their emotional stuff from their previous relationship"], but once it happened to me, I was stubborn and thought maybe I could be the exception and possibly didn't invest myself 100 percent. He just made me feel so good.

Honey, that's what makes him a serial cheater. That he's so good at being a lover, being validating, and all the things that make you love him. Serial cheaters aren't criminals in striped suits. They look and sound not just like the good guys but like the very best of the good guys. And the more experience they get (the more women they get to fall for them), the better they look and sound.

 

But everybody's right. You need to stop creating layers of fiction about why you're accusing him. Try to tell yourself you had the right. Anybody that's being lied to and taken advantage of in any situation has that right in my opinion. You did nothing wrong but protected yourself.

 

It really doesn't matter what he thinks or says about it. He was an idiot to do it on your phone, but I'm glad he's bad at cheating. It means you can get out sooner - but not if you stay involved in this guessing game and not telling him you know because you saw. He may not even understand how you did it if you told him since he doesn't know enough to figure it out.

Edited April 9, 2017 by merrmeade

[aileD]

Originally Posted by Trustinggirl View Post

You know I always read that before [that "no one should ever start dating someone that isn't done a 100% with their emotional stuff from their previous relationship"], but once it happened to me, I was stubborn and thought maybe I could be the exception and possibly didn't invest myself 100 percent. He just made me feel so good.

 

You know how abusers can sniff out a victim a mile away?

 

Yeah. That's why that quote above is true. When you're unhealthy--you attract unhealthy. It may not have been conscious, but he picked you because in your state you'd be easier to manipulate .

 

Get healthy.

[Just a Guy]

Lady, you've received a lot of good advice from folks on here. Personally, as a singleton I wouldn't have flipped for a guy who has as much baggage as he does. Apparently you do not think well enough of yourself, as aileD put it so well. You need a big boost of self esteem to help you pick people who are decent and trustworthy. This guy was keeping you as the safe and reliable back up while he went out and played the field. If you were to marry him this is what he would be doing years down the line. Do you know why he is divorcing his wife of ten years? He could have played her for a fool too.

 

There are a lot of good people out in the world and you have to look for them. Please do not be desperate to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship does not define who you are. Wait till you find the person who actually matches your expectations. Also I would say, do not get hung up on this 'Great sex' factor. Relationship are much more than 'Great sex'. Be true to yourself and dig deep within yourself to determine who you really are and what you truly want and need. Warm wishes.

[GoldenR]

Three words:

 

Not. Worth. It.

 

Get rid of him and move on to better things.

[stillafool]

Trustinggirl, all this negotiation is way too much work at this point.

 

Send him a screenshot of the OW text's and be done with it. If he's mad at you, that will act as a firewall preventing you from even considering a relapse with him in the future.

 

You know what a healthy relationship looks like, this isn't it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She doesn't want that.

[Timshel]

He did cheat on her Anika. But he was crashing at a friend'a house. He didnt tell me until the third time we met. Something felt off so I looked at ring finger and also asked if he had a gf. He said no. I left it at that. I never thought to ask if he was married. Now I know. He was the best I ever had in bed and after he told me I was already hooked. He told me it was over between them. He did make moves to be with me. He even asked me to move in with him. And this is where we are now. I just don't understand.

 

Trustinggirl is the OW to her bf's marriage. Now she realizes that he has been/is also cheating on her.