Post Break up aftermath. Need some .

[Nedmed]

Need some advice ! Sorry for the title typo

Hello everyone,

 

I just broke up and need some advice. Or need to vent a bit.

 

Background :

Me: 27 doctor in training , lived a life of delayed gratification. This was my first relationship.

Her: 29 doctor in training, very focused on work. Super sweet, smart, calm and all around great person.

 

We met at our medical training program and instantly hit it off. We dated in secrets because we colleagues but then made it public as things got better. We both fell in love , talked about a future together and even talked about specific goals we had in our budding relationship. Marriage , kids , you know, the lot.

 

It was pretty magical. Despite our busy and demanding careers, it felt like we are both genuinely trying to spend time together. I felt that I was a few emotional steps ahead of her, but I kept myself in check. In retrospect, I may have treated her too well ( if thats a thing ). I got her flowers, cooked her meals, left her little surprises in her apartment. She returned the sweet gestures at her own pace.

 

Almost a year into our relationship, we started to have trouble. I noted myself to be dissatisfied with a few little things early on , but i was happy and it seemed minor. Example: she was a bit inflexible about what she wanted to do on dates, but I was flexible, so it worked.

 

The real trouble started with what supposed to be a romantic trip overseas. She told me a week before that she wanted to bring her parents ( who are the dearest thing to her heart , I met them before, great people ) for more than half the length of the trip. I accepted it despite being apprehensive, but I made it clear how difficult a position she may be putting me in. I planned the entire trip as she was busier than me at the time (our schedule is highly variable ). During the first few days of the trip that we were supposed to spend together without her parents, she is moody , spends a great portion of the time on her laptop doing work related things ( that to me didn't seem so urgent ) and complained constantly. I lost my cool for the first time in almost a year and got made at her. We had a fight, then another, then another. I felt that she took advantage of my kindness , whether that was justified of not, i'll never know. but needless to say, our relationship changed dynamic on that trip.

 

We returned and tried to normalize thing, only to have another fight. It was because of a very silly reason like the way She said something vs the way i said something. Something broke during that fight. We tried to talk about it to resolve our emotions but she kept saying she is too busy to talk because she haven't had time to think about it. We ended up having a few talks about the fights on the trip , during which I ended up pointing the finger at her actions and not really checking my own. She was mostly silent.

 

Fast forward 1 month. things aren't the same. She seems more distant. I ask her if everything is ok, she says yes. I ask her why she is distant, she swears she isn't . But it sure feels like it. The texts dont come as often, or at all. even my daily "good morning" text now go unanswered. She now texts me when she gets home, and doesn't even bother to call. we are seeing each other less often and only when she feels like she has time. I start to feel neglected. I get upset and act meanly to her ( in a passive way, I never yelled or called her names, but didn't realize the damage i was doing ). I tell her that I feel neglected, that she has to try harder. She begrudgingly accepts but even I could tell she did not like my finger pointed at her .

 

This scenario went on for months. She would try a bit but I still felt neglected, taken for granted. I tried to keep up my end. Planing dates that would get cancelled. Keeping my schedule free for when she has time for me. Send text that don't get answered. Give her flowers .. etc. I felt like i was trying so hard to gain her approval that I felt i lost, meanwhile, she still felt distant. Eventually I would get upset , act out , we would talk , rinse and repeat.

 

6 months later since the trip , I find myself upset again. This time I find no use of talking to her. I think to myself that what didn't work once, ( or 3-4 times ) won't work again. I start to think about breaking up. As a result I start to feel crushing sadness. She notices but in my opinion didn't do much about it. ( in retrospection, my judgment was clouded, so who knows). We have a bit of a fallout over how "rude" I was. Although all i did was act withdrawn and told her she wasn't trying to see me , which she took as yet another attempt to blame her for everything that's wrong. I tell her I am unhappy and she goes silent.

 

After that fallout, we don't speak for a day or two. We meet on day 3 to talk ( or breakup ). I tell her how i felt unhappy. I apologize for childishly lashing out. I tell her that I dont know what to do about it since i talked to her many times about how i felt that she isn't giving much time to our relationship. I try to imply that I am not blaming her for it , but it's something that I need and am not getting. She tells me that I have been taking advantage of her kind nature and kept directing my anger and frustration at her and treating her badly. We hold each other's hands. Tell each other we appreciated each other and that we have had great memories together but should end it and become friends.

 

Her comment about me being essentially abusive hit me hard. I didn't realize how much my cycle of anger and frustration, and my approach to our problems was causing damage. How do i expect her to put more time in the relationship if I am constantly badgering her for attention and acting like a needy little bitch ? at the same time , if she loved like she said she did , maybe she should ahve tried to talk to me about what was bothering her.

 

Post-break up :

Now it's been a week. she called once to tell me she felt sad. I didn't know how to respond, i told her it's nice to hear her voice.

We work in the same place so i saw her a couple of times and it felt awful.

 

I am filled with doubt about my decision. Maybe I broke up during an emotional time and didn't think clearly ? Maybe if we REALLY talked to each other then we could have saved it ? Why didn't she try to fight for the relationship ?

 

All I can think of right now is that I want to talk to her again. See how she feels. I want to try again but feel that it's futile. Maybe if we both want to try again we can salvage something ?

 

Maybe we should try to start fresh , go on a new first date ?

 

Has anyone had experience with returning to a relationship so soon after a break up ?

 

I feel lost and in pain. I can't stop thinking about her or our relationship

 

Any advice or input is appreciated. Sorry for the long post .

Edited April 7, 2017 by Nedmed

[airborne3502]

Your ex is selfish.

 

When someone is selfish, and you are the one putting forth the effort, it becomes emotionally taxing and frustrating. It eventually creates problems.

 

Seriously, how hard is it to answer a "good morning" text? It's not. It takes two seconds, and most people emotionally invested in a relationship are happy to do it.

 

She took you for granted, and now she's sad because you're not there to kiss her ass anymore.

 

Going right back into it, and trying to work it out, is a fool's errand.

 

Your brain is telling you loud and clear that it's futile.

 

Go no contact for a while, and let her figure out what's most important to her.

 

It may very well be you...just not right now.

[Telemachus]

If you broke up a week ago, and if you both agree to go on a "first date", then you didn't break up, even if you both said you did. A week apart is nothing.

 

It's not uncommon to miss someone when she's not around, but to clash when you're in the same room together. If you don't thrive on conflict, and it seems that neither of you does, you perhaps should remain professionally polite, and put aside romance between you for good.

 

On the other hand, if you want to try again, and pick up where you left off a week ago, then try. I can't say that you will ever find the compatibility you seek. Young doctors, with the rigors of scientific and medical education, tend not to date as much as other people early in life.

 

You actually may have a really good thing going, and just don't realize it, because you never had a much worse relationship in your past.

 

You seem pretty self-aware, and so does she from your description. Chances are that if you try to make a go of it, and break up for good, it won't be any uglier or more harsh than before.

 

I sincerely wish you luck, both of you.

[codest]

OP, it is very good that you feel what you feel now, so soon. It is much easier to try and resolve your conflict ASAP. You won't believe how hard things would get some weeks or months later if you try to distract yourself and move on now. You are going to regret deeply if you don't take action now.

 

Just forget everything negative, at least for now, and attempt to reunite with her. Do not make a mistake that thousands of other tools have made so far, myself included.

[Nedmed]

Your ex is selfish.

 

When someone is selfish, and you are the one putting forth the effort, it becomes emotionally taxing and frustrating. It eventually creates problems.

 

Seriously, how hard is it to answer a "good morning" text? It's not. It takes two seconds, and most people emotionally invested in a relationship are happy to do it.

 

She took you for granted, and now she's sad because you're not there to kiss her ass anymore.

 

Going right back into it, and trying to work it out, is a fool's errand.

 

Your brain is telling you loud and clear that it's futile.

 

Go no contact for a while, and let her figure out what's most important to her.

 

It may very well be you...just not right now.

 

 

Those were my thoughts.

 

But I can't help but wonder how much of her behavior was influenced by mine. I Tried to fix things, sure. But the way I did came across as nagging and accusative. I can't imagine someone wanting to spend more time with someone who is constantly nagging them. She didn't seem to be doing it intentionally, atleast.

 

It's just a thought on top of other thoughts. I am not sure what to do with all of them

[Nedmed]

 

You actually may have a really good thing going, and just don't realize it, because you never had a much worse relationship in your past.

 

I think about that too , maybe I had it good and just didn't know it. Maybe I expected a relationship to stay in the honeymoon phase forever, then proceeded to sabotage it with unrealistic expectations and demands.

[Goodguy05]

My advice cause I've gone thru this it never gets resolved and it just repeats itself. Ur feeling this way b3cause ur not getting the love and attention u need so it's ur way of acting out i know because ur me in my last relationship and she just pulls back more. It's als9 true if u want to reconcile not to leave it for too long as then pain and hurt set in. My advice engage a really good couples therapist or counsillor. But make sure u try a couple unail u find on3 that works for both of u? Yes they can be biased and one sided too there only human. Ur best bet is a good couples therapist. She needs to become aware of how she's making u feel and u need to become aware of wich part of ur behaviour is making her withdraw more. The fact u both feel sad is a actally a good sign

[Nedmed]

Hello all,

 

About 6 weeks ago, I broke up with my GF of 1.5 years. It was my first relationship and something that was truly wonderful when it was at it's prime.

 

I posted about here, but its really too long of a post

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/620254-post-break-up-aftermath-need-some#post7278795

 

TLDR : We're both doctors in training, like minded, loved each other, but I slowly felt taken for granted, felt like the only one trying, grew disappointed and unhappy, acted childishly from frustration then we broke up semi-mutually.

 

Since the break up , we never stopped talking to each other. Even meeting with each other to talk. Initially it was just friendly chat, my guess it we both wanted to dampen the blow. But then we actually started to talk about our problems and it felt great. We were, for the first time, having an open conversation about our problems, something that was greatly missing in our relationship. We were holding hands and there was def a lot of connection left between us.

 

This was eye opening. I started seeing all the mistakes We did and it was primarily communication. I felt very hopeful and really started to want her back. But not until we continue to talk about our problems.

 

We met a few times and I suggested we start talking more extensively and see if we can rekindle things. She was apprehensive. I gave her time. We met 5 days ago now and she said she is busy and feels that trying to rekindle things would be unfair to me since she doesn't know how long it will take. I told her that I dont think that's a good reason and that I am willing to work with her as long as we talk. We agreed we would.

 

She had to leave town for a conference for a few days. During which the texts became more sluggish and she no longer had time to talk. Understandable since those things can be brutally busy. Now she has been back for 2 days. She took down a lot of our pictures off her facebook. She is still not very responsive to text and isn't picking up my calls even though I can see her active on social media.

 

I am lost right now. it seemed like we were both interested in finding out the outcome of talking. It seemed like we're both wanting to try and rekindle things. But now I know something changed. She is totally different from before for no obvious reason to me.

 

I don't know what to think and feel devastated again.