Otter2569 Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 Has anyone had experience blending families where the kids have very different personalities? My GF and I are talking about moving in together in a few months (in to my house). She has a 12 year old daughter who has a strong, sometimes directive personality. I have 2 boys 14 & 17 that are very relaxed. The girl, I find, can be abrasive and bossy. She can also be very helpful and loving. I have NO experience raising young girls. I know I have my reservations as this will be an adjustment for me. I can see all the kids having to go through an adjustment period. Link to post Share on other sites
IfonlyIknew Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 To me, it sounds like you have some adjusting and accepting to do. You say your teenage boys are easy because you are used to them and well, they are yours. I'm sure she feels the same way about her daughter, and i believe a 12 year old girl vs 2 teenage boys, your girlfriend is taking on the short end of the stick here. Either way, it's going to take time for everyone. As long as you two both are willing to put the work in then you will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 How close is the 17 year old to graduation? Putting it off for a year so that your both only bringing one to the table. .. seems more fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 I have NO experience raising young girls. Raising a daughter and raising a step-daughter are two different things. Step-parenting in general is a challenge due to the inherent contradictions in the role - all the responsibilities with limited vested authority. Key to this would be detailed discussions with your GF regarding the expectations each of you have regarding the roles you'll play in the children's lives. Any exes can also be a wild card, bringing their own agenda and input as to the situation. Lots of moving pieces involved . If you go through with it, prepare to be alternately frustrated and thrilled, confounded and amazed. Buckle up... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 Has anyone had experience blending families where the kids have very different personalities? My GF and I are talking about moving in together in a few months (in to my house). She has a 12 year old daughter who has a strong, sometimes directive personality. I have 2 boys 14 & 17 that are very relaxed. The girl, I find, can be abrasive and bossy. She can also be very helpful and loving. I have NO experience raising young girls. I know I have my reservations as this will be an adjustment for me. I can see all the kids having to go through an adjustment period. I assume all the kids have met and spent time together? If so, then why not have a gathering and discuss the moving in with everybody together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted April 8, 2017 Author Share Posted April 8, 2017 How close is the 17 year old to graduation? Putting it off for a year so that your both only bringing one to the table. .. seems more fair. My 17 y/o is off to college this fall. That is part of the reason we are waiting until late summer. That and I only have 3 bedrooms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted April 8, 2017 Author Share Posted April 8, 2017 I assume all the kids have met and spent time together? If so, then why not have a gathering and discuss the moving in with everybody together. That is exactly what I plan to do. The kids have met several times. She has full custody of hers and I have 50/50 so my boys have spent far less time with GF and her daughter. We are planning several more group activities and get together so the kids can hopefully "bond". The kids have very different personality types: mine could lay on the couch all day. Hers likes to be busy. Mine are more team oriented. Hers is more take charge. All are great kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted April 8, 2017 Author Share Posted April 8, 2017 Raising a daughter and raising a step-daughter are two different things. Step-parenting in general is a challenge due to the inherent contradictions in the role - all the responsibilities with limited vested authority. Key to this would be detailed discussions with your GF regarding the expectations each of you have regarding the roles you'll play in the children's lives. Any exes can also be a wild card, bringing their own agenda and input as to the situation. Lots of moving pieces involved . If you go through with it, prepare to be alternately frustrated and thrilled, confounded and amazed. Buckle up... I completely agree and that is how I feel already. Emotions and attitudes seem to change a lot these days which is partially what prompted this post. Her daughter has been moody and has lashed out at me several times in the last 2 weeks: apparently I wasn't wiping off the counter top correctly and I dipped my chip in her (really the tables) sour cream. Each time her mother put her in her place as did I although I was less direct (sarcastic) than her mom. Moodyness I can deal with. Disrespect I can not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 Moodyness I can deal with. Disrespect I can not. And that's going to be the toughest part. You'll (rightfully) feel you're due the respect from day one, it's your home that you've worked hard to provide. She'll feel you need to earn the respect over time based on the relationship. It will take a while for those two axes to cross. Mix in the normal boundary pushing one gets from a teenager, sprinkle on the moodiness of young girls, add a generous scoop of the challenges of step-parenting - might be easier to unite the two Koreas! Having said that, the payoff is there. To this day, my adult son treats my wife (his stepmom) with unusual love and respect. The reward is great if you can navigate the challenges... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 My 17 y/o is off to college this fall. That is part of the reason we are waiting until late summer. That and I only have 3 bedrooms. Just curious: Where do you expect your older son to stay for the holidays during college (e.g., in the summer)? Does he have to share the bedroom with your younger son? If the kids have met only a few times, it's only fair you guys should really focus on letting them get to know each other better first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 You posted the exact same thing a while ago with great advice ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted April 11, 2017 Author Share Posted April 11, 2017 You posted the exact same thing a while ago with great advice ! Yes, similar post in the Relationship forum. Thought I would get more insight in the family Arena Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted April 11, 2017 Author Share Posted April 11, 2017 Just curious: Where do you expect your older son to stay for the holidays during college (e.g., in the summer)? Does he have to share the bedroom with your younger son? If the kids have met only a few times, it's only fair you guys should really focus on letting them get to know each other better first. I have my boys 50% of the time so I would buy bunk beds and move them into the bigger room. My focus now is on the kids getting to know each other. I'm not going to force anything just set up a series of things where we hang out and spend time together. We both have or own places so its not like we have to do this. Would be nice if it works but I'm not looking to completely disrupt our lives either Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted April 11, 2017 Author Share Posted April 11, 2017 (edited) You'll (rightfully) feel you're due the respect from day one, it's your home that you've worked hard to provide. She'll feel you need to earn the respect over time based on the relationship. It will take a while for those two axes to cross. Mix in the normal boundary pushing one gets from a teenager, sprinkle on the moodiness of young girls, add a generous scoop of the challenges of step-parenting - might be easier to unite the two Koreas! Having said that, the payoff is there. To this day, my adult son treats my wife (his stepmom) with unusual love and respect. The reward is great if you can navigate the challenges...Mr. Lucky Fore sure! My home is my sanctuary. We both feel this way about our respective places. Shes even said, having our own places isn't bad - we have somewhere to escape to when we want / need to get away for a few hours. I am not going to disrupt our lives if it doesnt feel right for everyone. Luckily I have a few months before I need to make any decisions. Edited April 11, 2017 by Otter2569 Link to post Share on other sites
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