The 21, 30, 45 Day NC Rule. Does the dumper expect to hear from you again?

[Wishes23]

I know NC is a big topic here and I know there are guides profiting off of broken hearts, but what I find interesting in the online guides is they give the illusion that the dumper is wondering why the dumpee hasn't contacted them.

 

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My question is there an expectation that the dumpee will contact the dumper after going NC?

 

The reason I ask is that my ex broke up with me because our relationship moved too fast and and guilt set in when she went to church and she told me she didn't see a future with me. She broke up with me on good terms but we haven't talked since (in over a month). She rarely initiated texts or calls during the relationship anyway as she expected the man to always take the lead so initiating a conversation on her end post break-up is highly unlikely.

 

I'm just wondering if it's normal for ex's to contact each other after breaking up as these guides suggest. Am I being cold by not contacting her?

Edited April 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[springy]

*I* do not expect to hear from someone I have initiated a break up with. This will vary from person to person...so I think it's impossible to give a blanket answer to your question. I am not sure if the persons who dumped me expected a phone call, as I never made contact after being dumped.

 

So many factors come into play here, I would say there is no concrete answer to your question.

 

EDIT: Actually, the last guy I was with, and who broke up with me, was angry that I didn't call him after he dumped me. I was unaware that he was using the dump to get a reaction out of me, and expected me to plead with him to come back. I do not play that game so I had absolutely no clue that was what he expected of me. I only found out he was livid about it after I 'needed' to contact him to get some items of sentimental value from my house. I must say I was baffled...

 

So, once again, totally depends on the person and situation. And a person who handled things like my ex, I would not want back anyway...

 

Are you being cold? I think only you can answer that question. You are implementing nc to get over her, no? If that is the case I would say there's nothing cold about that. And I'm not sure why someone who dumped you would expect you to give them a call! I only need to get rejected once to get the hint

Edited April 7, 2017 by springy

[Wishes23]

*I* do not expect to hear from someone I have initiated a break up with. This will vary from person to person...so I think it's impossible to give a blanket answer to your question. I am not sure if the persons who dumped me expected a phone call, as I never made contact after being dumped.

 

So many factors come into play here, I would say there is no concrete answer to your question.

 

EDIT: Actually, the last guy I was with, and who broke up with me, was angry that I didn't call him after he dumped me. I was unaware that he was using the dump to get a reaction out of me, and expected me to plead with him to come back. I do not play that game so I had absolutely no clue that was what he expected of me. I only found out he was livid about it after I 'needed' to contact him to get some items of sentimental value from my house. I must say I was baffled...

 

So, once again, totally depends on the person and situation. And a person who handled things like my ex, I would not want back anyway...

 

Are you being cold? I think only you can answer that question. You are implementing nc to get over her, no? If that is the case I would say there's nothing cold about that. And I'm not sure why someone who dumped you would expect you to give them a call! I only need to get rejected once to get the hint

 

I appreciate the response. I'm insecure about coming off too needy, so the 2 months we were together, I only asked her out once a week and called 2-3 times a week. She asked me out first and I didn't want to come across as more invested than she is so I held back the whole time we were together. We started having sex right away which she initiated as well. Her last boyfriend of 3 years cheated on her and I'm not sure how this impacts her future relationships. They've been apart for almost 5 years.

 

The breakup started over a conversation about how she took a step back and talked to her friends about us and realized we moved way too fast physically and she's not sure she sees a future together.

 

I took it fine. Didn't beg. Told her I didn't want to be friends as I saw more between us. Left it at that.

 

I've been second guessing things as I never complimented her. Put up too much of a wall and tough exterior. Brought up my ex a few too many times too. This is a case of I didn't know what I had until I lost it. She didn't break up with me in strength. She melted and cried and said she didn't think she sees a future together.

 

She's 30, so I know she's looking for a relationship. I just wish I let her in more and invested more interest into her life.

 

Still trying to figure out whether or not to ring her.

[d0nnivain]

The guides are drivel. They are designed to separate naive brokenhearted people from their money

 

 

NC is not about getting somebody back. It's about separating yourself from that person forever.

[Altair0770]

You worried about being cold to someone that told you they don't see a future with you? Jeez son. You ain't even ready to have any contact, regardless of who initiates it, if that is your mindset.

 

Screw her. Go live your life for YOU. And yeah all those sites are BS.

 

NC is for you to erase them from your mind so you can rebuild yourself to the point where you don't give two craps about them. There's just a chance they'll realize their life is pathetic without you in it.

[jamili]

Ditch the "guides", they are crap.

 

But yes, you mustn't ever contact her, ever. Read Altair's post in the Breakups section for some more good info. You really have to just walk away and walk away hardcore. That means for real, you have to internalize that it's done forever and seriously assume they are dead.

 

As far as her contacting you? It's common for dumpers to contact dumpees after breaking up. But that in itself doesn't mean @#$%, as you are best to ignore those anyways. Doesn't matter if she's old fashioned and doesn't like initiating texts or whatever, if she wants you, she will pursue you. But, mind you IF that ever happens... and that's a big IF... it's gonna be MANY months from now. The 30 days, 40 days lol.... is a joke.

 

9 months

12 months

2 years

 

 

Those are more likely timeframes. They need to really, deeply, internalize that they will never ever speak to you forever and you are gone from their life like a death. They need to understand and swallow that they cannot reach out to you because they won't be able to get ahold of you because you are GONE forever, literally your essence of a person, your soul, is no longer in this dimension as far as they know. Even the dead are more reachable because they might still be wandering this earth as a ghost , but not you. It's the only way to spark some kind of real chance. But, like everyone says here, the chances are low.

 

Keep NC forever and ever and ever until and IF they want you back.

[Wishes23]

I get what you are saying but haven't you ever broken up with someone? I've broken up because I've lost interest, or our lives weren't compatible, or the other person liked me too much and was jealous/possessive of me.

 

After breaking up they all treated me like I was dead to them. Some to the point that they were malicious and vindictive. I always thought they were childish responses, lacked class, and validated my decision to break up with them.

 

The only time I second guessed a decision was when an ex didn't change at all and acted like the breakup didn't even matter and they continued to go about there life as if nothing had changed. They responded to texts when they got around to it and they were casual about everything.

 

Any people expect to hear from their ex if you break up on good terms?

[jamili]

I get what you are saying but haven't you ever broken up with someone? I've broken up because I've lost interest, or our lives weren't compatible, or the other person liked me too much and was jealous/possessive of me.

 

After breaking up they all treated me like I was dead to them. Some to the point that they were malicious and vindictive. I always thought they were childish responses, lacked class, and validated my decision to break up with them.

 

The only time I second guessed a decision was when an ex didn't change at all and acted like the breakup didn't even matter and they continued to go about there life as if nothing had changed. They responded to texts when they got around to it and they were casual about everything.

 

Any people expect to hear from their ex if you break up on good terms?

 

Depends on the person. Also keep in mind you are a man, its different as male vs female dumper. I have dumped someone before, after being together for almost decade, and no we didn't do the ignore thing or anything conscious, we just very organically stopped talking because we really both wanted it that way and, though i dumped her, the breakup was necessary and we both knew it.

 

Imo your feelings towards your dumpees were not reasonable. Its simply healthy boundaries to cease communication with an ex, and the fact that you were contacting them at all was the immature move. You cant judge them for shutting you out when you are the one overstepping and disrespecting simple boundaries.

[d0nnivain]

Any people expect to hear from their ex if you break up on good terms?

 

 

Upon breaking up with somebody I never expected to hear from them again.

 

 

With some of my EXs I did anticipate that I would bump into them again. I live in a small town. It's hard to avoid people. I also work in a closed profession so I have to routinely deal with 2 of my EXs every couple of years. We make a few minutes of polite small talk -- how's the family etc. -- then move along.

 

 

There's no steady contact.

[Altair0770]

I get what you are saying but haven't you ever broken up with someone? I've broken up because I've lost interest, or our lives weren't compatible, or the other person liked me too much and was jealous/possessive of me.

 

After breaking up they all treated me like I was dead to them. Some to the point that they were malicious and vindictive. I always thought they were childish responses, lacked class, and validated my decision to break up with them.

The only time I second guessed a decision was when an ex didn't change at all and acted like the breakup didn't even matter and they continued to go about there life as if nothing had changed. They responded to texts when they got around to it and they were casual about everything.

 

Any people expect to hear from their ex if you break up on good terms?

 

Treated you as you were dead to them as in having any form of contact? Many of us here preach the NC as in they are actually dead and there's no point saying anything because they won't ever receive it, so you shouldn't bother.

 

If they just treated you like you were a monster... let's be fair, you did just break their heart.

[jamili]

I was just thinking... if you are that worried about appearing childish or vindictive for just going ghost and ignoring, you could do what I did and politely ask them to stop contacting you unless its something meaningful.... this way they know you aren't doing it to be vindictive, and that you just prefer to make a clean break for the sake of maturity and mental health, which is totally reasonable.

 

Just keep in mind any breaking of NC, even for that, will set you back and reset the clock on the dumper missing you. They will never miss you if you respond at the snap of their fingers like a well behaved puppy. They need to miss you, not think your a nice friend who stays in touch whenever they contact you.

[Bromeo]

I was just thinking... if you are that worried about appearing childish or vindictive for just going ghost and ignoring, you could do what I did and politely ask them to stop contacting you unless its something meaningful.... this way they know you aren't doing it to be vindictive, and that you just prefer to make a clean break for the sake of maturity and mental health, which is totally reasonable.

 

Just keep in mind any breaking of NC, even for that, will set you back and reset the clock on the dumper missing you. They will never miss you if you respond at the snap of their fingers like a well behaved puppy. They need to miss you, not think your a nice friend who stays in touch whenever they contact you.

 

This is true. I chased mine for 3-4 months after the break, and finally went rock solid nc end of January. Two months later I feel much, much better.

 

I sometimes what if myself about it, but then I remember everything, and those thoughts quickly fade.

 

The timelines don't matter, everyone heals and recovers at their own pace. I spent my time reading, working on myself and learning. I feel like a completely different person, and at peace for the first time in a long while.

 

Who cares what my ex did.

[Wishes23]

Here's the question I should've asked.

 

Have you ever broken up with someone to test their interest, to try and gain the upper hand, or out of fear that they were about to break up with you?

 

The reason I asked if the dumper ever expects to hear from the dumpee again is because I believe my ex wanted to talk about her concerns and I raised the stakes because I'm stubborn so she found herself breaking up with me. We had a conversation that led to her crying and then saying she doesn't see a future with me but she doesn't want to lose me.

 

I'm wondering if she really expected to never hear from me again and is it normal for dumpers and dumpees to continue to communicate afterwards?

 

Second question: what is an on again off again relationship?

 

Not that this is something I want, but it seems like I talk to a lot of people who say this about their current relationship status. "We've been on again off again for about a year." What does that mean?

[jamili]

Here's the question I should've asked.

 

Have you ever broken up with someone to test their interest, to try and gain the upper hand, or out of fear that they were about to break up with you?

 

The reason I asked if the dumper ever expects to hear from the dumpee again is because I believe my ex wanted to talk about her concerns and I raised the stakes because I'm stubborn so she found herself breaking up with me. We had a conversation that led to her crying and then saying she doesn't see a future with me but she doesn't want to lose me.

 

I'm wondering if she really expected to never hear from me again and is it normal for dumpers and dumpees to continue to communicate afterwards?

 

Second question: what is an on again off again relationship?

 

Not that this is something I want, but it seems like I talk to a lot of people who say this about their current relationship status. "We've been on again off again for about a year." What does that mean?

 

Breaking up preemptively to try to shift power and score the upper hand, will never lead to a real, healthy relationship. Relationships shouldn't be that difficult where you have to play manipulation and power games in order to trick the person into staying with you out of fear. You're playing with fire. Instead of rolling the dice you should have worked on your stubbornness and your control issues.

 

Dumpers and Dumpees keeping in communication after a breakup, for anything other than necessary logistics stuff, is not normal and it's not healthy. Unless you both COMPLETELY are instantly over the breakup, it was 1000% mutual and you both genuinely want to stay friends.... then its a bad idea. Also, it will probably have a negative effect on your future relationships - lots of people are turned off by people who stay "friend" with their exes.