How to make fiancé see that it's not wrong to seek books for insight

[Elisse01]

Hello, everyone. I just joined this board to be able to get some insight anonymously. This might seem insignificant compared to other issues couples face, but it's annoying enough to make me wonder what others think.

 

My fiancé is a wonderful guy. We are alike in some ways, and so different in other ways. He loves video games as much as I love reading, he enjoys getting insight from comedy as much as I do from serious, and often philosophical material (books OR talks like TED Talks, NPR, etc). This hasn't caused problems because we are both open minded enough to embrace and support the others' interests as we see them as complementary rather than opposing. I take interest in what he's playing, he often takes interest in what I'm reading. I have never belittled his games or comedy because they are also important aspects of the intelligence spectrum (some video games are complex and require the same analytical skills of solving skill puzzles; and humor is a fun way of skillfully expressing harsh truths in a socially acceptable way). However, something that is increasingly annoying me is his tendency to blow off an idea if it came from a book. While I do agree that not everything is true just because it came from a book, I love reading all types of books and exploring new ideas that sometimes make me go "aha!" and naturally make me want to share with him. In his contrarian nature, I feel like he sees it as a weakness to agree with something an author said and apply it just because the author has credentials. On the author hand, I think it's foolish to dismiss an idea ONLY because someone we don't like expressed it. On the opposite end of that, he sometimes will ask me, "Where are your sources?" When it's really something that can't be proven scientifically (religion, for example-- I'm atheist, but a respectful one-- he hates atheists for our certainty that there is no god, and wants proof that the Big Bang really happened-- though he doesn't believe in god himself, he just hates the title atheist; I can't really argue with him because I am also skeptical and given how research findings always change, I can't say exactly what happened, all I know is I don't believe in the deity as presented in the Bible).

 

A lot of times I like sharing something I found in an inspiration article, or someone's view of something that resonates with me, but he'll dismiss it if it comes from a book. How can I express to him in a way he understands? He is no different from me, expect he gets his insight from comedy and memes, and I get it from a book. What is wrong with adopting ideas from books? He didn't graduate from high school, but he's very bright overall; he has some good ideas, just an aversion to academic authorities. I share part of that aversion because I believe each individual is capable of coming up with his or her own ideas, but I also accept the fact that we will always be influenced by someone else. So what if I am influenced by my authors? He is influenced by his rock stars.

[central]

Put it to him the way you put it here.

 

 

If that doesn't help, question or dismiss some of his ideas that come from his "sources." If he's as smart as you say, he will begin to understand how unpleasant and unreasonable it is to dismiss your ideas - and if he does not, then he has a level of arrogance and disrespect that should be called out.

[Telemachus]

Well, you know that he's not interested in insights, depending on their source. There's a saying that if you want people to accept your ideas, tell them that Ben Franklin said it first. You could substitute the name of any widely-respected person for Ben's.

 

For him, you'll have to say that you saw it on a Simpson's episode or in a Louis C.K. Netflix special. Him not being interested in ideas that interest you, unless they come from one of his favorite sources, is a drawback to the relationship and your conversations together. However, that's how it is. I'd find it very unsatisfying, but you seem to get good things other than conversation from the relationship.

 

One of my favorite quotes is from Thor Hyerdahl: "There is incredible ignorance among the leading authorities." Einstein said something similar: "You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it."

 

There's an interesting riddle that is easily solvable by the average kindergardener, but most graduate students are stumped. Things happen to us as we grow older and get serious about work - we get serious, and most authors you read are probably serious about their subjects. We fail to see things we would have earlier in life, before we were so expert in our fields.

 

My best recommendation to you, because you understand him and your situation well, is to limit your conversation on things you think him likely to disapprove, but to apply what you've learned with or without him. Succeed at things: picking a great stock, inventing something the world can't live without, giving a great presentation, or writing your own books. How you got the knowledge or initial ideas will be between you and your sources. Just enjoy the success, and hopefully he'll admire you for it, even if he's deliberately oblivious to how you got there.

 

The funny thing is that the most successful long-term relationships are those in which both members of the couple have their own independent interests, and enjoy sharing. It's the spice of life - that you bring information and people outside his circle and interests into the picture, and that he does the same. It's too bad he's rejecting your contributions. He's limiting your potential for success as a couple.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Telemachus

[basil67]

He does not strike me as being the open minded man you describe.

[lana-banana]

Girl, I am all about being open-minded, but comedy and memes do not provide the same depth of insight as classical philosophy. If I met a man who regularly asked me to cite my sources and refused to accept knowledge from institutions, I would be thirty minutes away from justifiable homicide.

 

It sounds to me like he's incredibly insecure about his lack of a formal education and is taking it out on you. Unless he gets over his desperate need to prove himself, your relationship is doomed.

[Elisse01]

Telemachus-- thank you for your most insightful reply. I can tell you're a reader, by our user name and your writing style.

 

Well, you know that he's not interested in insights, depending on their source. There's a saying that if you want people to accept your ideas, tell them that Ben Franklin said it first. You could substitute the name of any widely-respected person for Ben's.

 

For him, you'll have to say that you saw it on a Simpson's episode or in a Louis C.K. Netflix special. Him not being interested in ideas that interest you, unless they come from one of his favorite sources, is a drawback to the relationship and your conversations together. However, that's how it is. I'd find it very unsatisfying, but you seem to get good things other than conversation from the relationship.

 

One of my favorite quotes is from Thor Hyerdahl: "There is incredible ignorance among the leading authorities." Einstein said something similar: "You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it."

 

There's an interesting riddle that is easily solvable by the average kindergardener, but most graduate students are stumped. Things happen to us as we grow older and get serious about work - we get serious, and most authors you read are probably serious about their subjects. We fail to see things we would have earlier in life, before we were so expert in our fields.

 

My best recommendation to you, because you understand him and your situation well, is to limit your conversation on things you think him likely to disapprove, but to apply what you've learned with or without him. Succeed at things: picking a great stock, inventing something the world can't live without, giving a great presentation, or writing your own books. How you got the knowledge or initial ideas will be between you and your sources. Just enjoy the success, and hopefully he'll admire you for it, even if he's deliberately oblivious to how you got there.

 

The funny thing is that the most successful long-term relationships are those in which both members of the couple have their own independent interests, and enjoy sharing. It's the spice of life - that you bring information and people outside his circle and interests into the picture, and that he does the same. It's too bad he's rejecting your contributions. He's limiting your potential for success as a couple.

[Birdies]

Someone who is so insecure and/or uneducated enough to believe that information from books is inherently suspect....wow. As a big reader and educated person myself, I just can not fathom sharing my one precious life with someone like that. Opposites attract, yes, but at the end of the day, you need to be able to relate to each other at your core values.

 

Literature has been the driving force of intellectualism and knowledge for millennia. I would find someone who understands that, whether in his own life or at least able to accept it in his partner's life.