Re post of someone's old post

[DontBreakEven]

Haven't been coping well today, so was perusing the forums and found something someone posted that turned my entire spirits around, so I just want to post it here so that I have it for reference whenever I need to read it. Who knows. Maybe someone else here will have need to read this today.

 

Posted by user shb :

 

Didn't think I'd ever post on here again (don't get me wrong, I occasionally come back to the site that got me through my own breakup and read the odd thread because I'm nosy) but you seem so down and confused about your ex that I feel I have to try to help.

 

That said, I'm not going to post again (at least not for another couple of years probably!) - I'm going to say this once and hopefully it will enable you to see that your life is worth far more than one selfish person would have you think.

 

So, long story short... (you can find my old posts on it in this guy's thread if you're so inclined On a break with my girlfriend *not a mutual decision* and truly)

 

I was with this fantastic girl from 18-24 (she was two years younger) and, of course, it didn't last. You know how it goes: both madly in love with each other, did everything together, couldn't keep our hands off each other (yes, even right up to when it began unravelling), plans for kids, wedding, buy a house etc etc. No need for details - just take my word for it that this girl was my entire world.

 

Then we both finished university (I didn't start until I was 20) and both went into work. Problem was that I had started a career while she was doing hours work, and little by little we drifted apart as we spent less time together. To wrap up, she dropped me for some guy she met at her new job (actually, she never dropped me because I had to do it for her...explanation further down...) four months later she was pregnant, taloo, talay...

 

So, how is it that I have no idea what has happened to a girl I supposedly couldn't live without just four months on from the end of what was apparently a match made in heaven?

 

I listened. To my friends, my family, people in work and, perhaps most importantly, people on Loveshack.

 

Yes, I made a bad start. For the first few weeks I was still seeing her and thinking I could change her mind (at the time I wasn't aware there was another guy and just thought she really did "need time to think" - looooool), while the entire time she was keeping me on tenterhooks in case the new fling with loverboy didn't work out. Naturally it was mainly me initiating contact, but she did nothing to discourage that.

 

Then I found out about the new guy.

 

I was driving through town one night and saw them walking together. It didn't seem real, so I casually drove home and sat down on the couch.

 

What happened after that I can only describe as the lowest moment of my life. Utterly distraught. Find a youtube video of a mother grieving the loss of one of her children for fairly good comparison of how I broke down.

 

I really believed that she was the one and I'd let her slip away. I lost two stone over the next week by just lying in bed (when I wasn't in work obviously, although I did take a couple of days off) and not eating anything. I wanted to die, desperately wishing I had the guts to take my own life. The only thing that stopped me was knowing how upset my mum would have been. That's what got me about your recent posts - I have been there and it is the most awful feeling anyone can ever have.

 

Luckily work was really understanding and cut me some slack, while my friends and family were beyond amazing. They would listen to a point - You should have heard me: I sounded just like you. She's the most beautiful girl in the world; I'll never find another like her; maybe she'll come back because of [insert nonsensical theory]; what's the point in being alive etc etc etc...

 

But the best thing was that they (friends and family) would soon tell me to shut up, point out that, no, she was the only girl in the world, and I was being a total moron thinking she was. Every time I went off on a rant (because that is what they were - nothing more than rants) I'd eventually have to suck it up and go do something to take my mind off her. Meanwhile I was reading Loveshack threads and was surprised to find that I wasn't the only guy in the world who felt this way. Did I believe those posters who said that it would eventually get better? Pffffft, what the hell did they know? My situation was unique! No one had ever loved a girl like I'd loved her! No contact? Maybe I'd give it a go. But would it work? Like hell it would!

 

Still, I made myself follow people's advice. Naturally it didn't always work (almost never in the early stages), but the more I forced myself to go out and do stuff when all I really wanted to do was fall off a bridge (seriously), the more it began to dawn on me that, yes, this world is full of wonderful people who will go to all sorts of lengths to try and help you get through your problems. More importantly, it is just full of wonderful people.

 

This is the point.

 

But first...

 

Do anything that isn't lying around in your own filth feeling sorry for yourself. By all means feel sorry for yourself, but do it with other people or working on some project. Even if you have no interest in starting a project, JUST DO IT. The more time you invest in something, the more you become invested in it. It is unavoidable. It might seem impossible now, but you will actually start to care about something other than your ex.

 

Now for the girls front.

 

I read this entire thread and you seem like an intelligent, highly literate, thoughtful person. What kind of girl wouldn't want that? Answer: an F-in dunce.

 

Of course you can't begin to even contemplate loving another girl. You may not even feel like looking at another a girl.

 

Start by keeping your hands off yourself. I mean it.

 

Just go out, see your friends (real friends will listen to your problems while at the same time nudging you towards getting over it), and you will gradually come into more and more contact with other girls. The idea of doing anything more than chat with them may seem repulsive (though this was never the case with me, lol), but you don't even have to try flirting or anything like that. To be honest, you seem in no state of mind to be getting heavy on anyone. Just putting yourself in front of them and exhibiting the most basic conversational politeness - treat them like an aunt. At some point one will make a move. Unless you actually physically run away you will have no choice but to go along with it, and - despite what your shattered psyche is telling you - if you've been on a strict no ejaculation regime for at least a few days your body will jump at the chance. Let your primal urges take over - god forbid, you might even enjoy it!

 

This is the first step. The rest will follow as naturally as it did every time before you fell into this rut. Seriously. This will work, as sure as the sun will set. I don't care how much you're probably sitting there thinking it won't - JUST DO IT. Then you can thank me for being right.

 

For a shortened timeline of my life since losing "love of my life who I'll never ever be able to find anyone even a trillionth as good as" (bore...), I spent the next ten months or so going through girls like a lawnmower treats individual blades of grass. The reason none of them stuck was because I was subconciously waiting for one to replace the love I'd lost.

 

Then I moved city and started fresh. However, it wasn't immediately smooth sailing. While I no longer pined for my ex (aside from very rare moments, though believe me when I say that by this point they would last no more than minutes at a time and were only happening every other month at most) I was still clinging on to the idea of replicating the love I'd had with her.

 

I sank back into mild depression and wondered if - like you are - I was destined to be alone forever (though not at the expense of my career and side projects). Eventually I accepted that I had to be.

 

So I stopped caring about finding a new girlfriend (apart from a couple, none of the girls to this point had lasted more than a month) and went into full-on single mode. And I loved it. What's not to love, going out with your friends and treating each girl you meet as nothing more than a one-night stand? Yes, there are so many girls out there who are also on that path, and they will be very happy to make your acquaintance.

 

Meanwhile I focused on my career, and am now doing more and earning more than I ever dreamed I would - very attractive traits for anyone to have, girl or guy. (By the way, less emphasis on the money thing - this is just my personal situation, and you should chase your own goals).

 

So where am I now?

 

I'm crazy about the girl I'm with now. Far more than I ever was about the so-called "love of my life". She is everything I ever wanted in a girl, and more, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. If my ex came back and begged for a second chance (which she did make some half-hearted attempts at doing along the way, like yours, but that's exactly what they were - half-hearted) I wouldn't even consider it. More than that, I wouldn't even curse her out for how badly she behaved. I would politely decline and wish her the best and mean it. Because I simply don't care anymore, not even enough to be rude.

 

How did all this happen? I gave up on love and forced myself to just get on with life. Somewhere along the line I ran into a like-minded person who just happened to be hot. Now I have a great life and a great love. That's how the world works. Maybe it will last, maybe it won't. Doesn't matter. The important thing is that I - and you, and everybody else - know that there is a whole another life just around the corner. I only know that because I pushed myself to find out whether what everyone on Loveshack was saying was true. Turns out it is, and then some.

 

Think back to before you started seeing your ex as more than a friend. Were you happy then? Barring some underlying issues (if so, please get help because this is not about your ex, who will have just exacerbated what was already there), I bet you were.

 

I promise you this is not the end. You will be happy again, because the things that used to make you happy will slowly creep back into your list of priorities. I have no idea what your interests are, but I promise you they will eventually be the first thing in your life. Your ex will be nothing more than a distant memory.

 

Your ex is not wonderful. She may have been at one point, but not anymore. No fault of hers; she wanted something new. Yes, she went about it in a cowardly way (and from what you've said she still is), but that is just the way the world is. People change, just as you will. It is up to you to allow that to happen. Allow it - that is all you have to do. Time will do the rest. I promise.

 

It's an overused quote, but you either get busy living or get busy dying. If you have to choose the latter, at least act out and leave your mark along the way. If you do that then you'll soon come around to the idea of switching to the former.

 

P.S. I really hope you post again so we know you've not done anything ridiculous. I won't reply to anything - I've said all I can say. It's up to you to put it into action. It will work.

 

P.P.S You better do it - my hands are killing!

 

Best,

A former non-believer who was once just like you.