"This relationship has no future if you don't find upward mobility."

[Hoosfoos]

Guys, how would you react if this ultimatum was made by your woman if she was someone you wanted to stay with? And ladies, is this something you would ever say?

 

Keep in mind, this phrase was uttered when I was actually working on self-improvement, seeing that I wanted to be successful myself.

 

I might reveal how I reacted and what happened afterwards if there is enough interest.

[RecentChange]

Hum.

 

I couldn't see saying as a ultimatum to someone I loved.

 

But in certain circumstances I could see saying it.

 

I pull my own weight then some. I do not particularly mind being the bread winner, but if it appeared that my partner lacked motivation, wasn't seeking opportunities for upward advancement and showing commitment to it, it would be a problem for me.

 

I have a strong work ethic (to the point my husband often comments that he doesn't know how I do it some days) - and if I felt that my partner was totally out of step with me in that regard I would want to see a change.

[Simple Logic]

Guys, how would you react if this ultimatum was made by your woman if she was someone you wanted to stay with? And ladies, is this something you would ever say?

 

Keep in mind, this phrase was uttered when I was actually working on self-improvement, seeing that I wanted to be successful myself.

 

I might reveal how I reacted and what happened afterwards if there is enough interest.

 

I have broke off a LTR with a woman that I said the same think to. I know I very happy where I am today and consider it a wise decision.

[basil67]

I would realise that they are reconsidering the relationship. If I wanted to work on the relationship, I would first clarify exactly what it was that my partner was looking for. Then I'd consider whether or not I am happy as I am and whether I have the desire to change in the direction they want.

 

The outcome would involve weighing up a combination of whether their comments were justified and if I wanted to change. If I felt they were being unreasonable, I would have to tell them that I probably can't meet their needs.

[preraph]

Well, I mean, it seems like it was in line with things you had been telling her about wanting to improve yourself, so it didn't come out of nowhere. And I don't know how much detail went into that if you complained about not being able to afford a car or nice dates or if you said something like you don't want to marry or have kids until you're successful (which is a good idea). So if she said it in that type of context, then it would have a different meaning, like that she knows nothing is going to happen right away as far as commitment because you are waiting to get established.

 

If it's none of that and she is just a golddigger, I hope you just dumped her or told her to go get her own upward mobility.

[Popsicle]

Is it like "Shaun of the dead"? Because you just have to kill some zombies then.

[Almond_Joy]

Guys, how would you react if this ultimatum was made by your woman if she was someone you wanted to stay with? And ladies, is this something you would ever say?

 

Keep in mind, this phrase was uttered when I was actually working on self-improvement, seeing that I wanted to be successful myself.

 

I might reveal how I reacted and what happened afterwards if there is enough interest.

 

 

Woman here. I don't understand how the statement's an ultimatum. She didn't say she's breaking up with you in a predetermined period of time if you don't do abc.

 

She has made it known that she will want you to have more socioeconomic power in order for her to be happy with the relationship. This doesn't mean you have to change your life to meet her need. Maybe upward mobility isn't a major factor for your happiness in a relationship. If it's not, that's fine, you two are just incompatible.

 

Frankly I think calling this an ultimatum is jumping the gun a little bit and projecting intimidation tactics on her that she's not pulling. She told you what she wants from you for her to be happy, she didn't DEMAND that you do anything. An ultimatum usually requires some demands.

[gaius]

I don't see anything wrong with a woman wanting a financially secure life and expressing that. Every man should be capable of providing a home, paying the bills, having a decent car and food on the table. By himself if needed. And if he can't then he has some work to do. That should ultimately be the end goal.

 

What, you don't feel loved unless she'd be happy and content if you smoked pot all day and lived in your parents basement?

[Hoosfoos]

Let's just say that I absolutely wanted it for myself, wanted it for the sake of the relationship to be equitable, and went to great lengths to achieve it. While at the same time giving the relationship as much as I could.

[basil67]

Let's just say that I absolutely wanted it for myself, wanted it for the sake of the relationship to be equitable, and went to great lengths to achieve it. While at the same time giving the relationship as much as I could.

 

So you're in agreement with your partner. In this case, I can't see a problem.

 

Or is there a problem? Did you start the thread for advice or are you wanting us to play guessing games?

[SpiralOut]

No, I wouldn't say that to a partner. In the past, I have told a partner that he needs to pull his own weight. I can't be doing everything myself, and if he expects me to be the breadwinner and support him and a couple of kids (he did want that!), that is not okay with me.

 

I don't need to be with a guy who has a 10-year plan to become a CEO of his own company, or the top lawyer in the country, or anything super ambitious like that. I don't live a glamorous lifestyle or really want to. The guy I date just needs to be an equal partner in the relationship.

[Hoosfoos]

So you're in agreement with your partner. In this case, I can't see a problem.

 

Or is there a problem? Did you start the thread for advice or are you wanting us to play guessing games?

 

Seeking opinions. All this took place in the past.

 

After coaching each other through school, (and I had her back 100%, and I assumed she had mine), she found a good job right away. We worked in the same sector and I got completely f*cked over by HR. There is still no other way to look at it. So, after all this work, no job. Being in the sector that I was in, there were no second chances. She started taking shots at my manhood after this and was completely unsympathetic to my situation. After all that effort. I gave a pound of flesh.

 

I then made a conscious decision to return to school to upgrade my qualifications for a better chance of success and even better money (I actually had this in my back pocket as a contingency plan, and we argued about it for a year. She told me I wouldn't be good at it, that I wasn't truly interested in it, and it was "not a good idea"). She left the day I made it clear I wasn't going to give it up.

 

She tried contacting me not long afterwards afterwards out of guilt, and strangely enough, she got quite butthurt when I told her I wished no further contact. I was dying inside at the time.

Edited April 8, 2017 by Hoosfoos

[gaius]

Your post made me sad hoos. To the point it's popped into my head occasionally the past few days.

 

All you can do is just do your best to forgive her. It wasn't personal. Everyone has wants and desires, needs that have to be met. And at the end of the day the meeting of those needs is the only thing that determines the outcome of relationships. Not about whether you're a good or bad person, made the right choices or not. Your partners perceptions of you are not rational and are based solely on their own needs. Has nothing to do with who you are really. As strange as that sounds.

 

I hope you manage to take that experience and squeeze something good out of it, as painful as it was. That you use it to find a way to a happy, peaceful place in life. You deserve it. Good luck.

[Power_Forward]

Personally, I would break up with her. I focus a lot on upward mobility, on developing and implementing personal strategies for success. I work hard to make things happen for myself.

 

That being said, success takes time. You have to be patient. I want a woman who is willing to stick by me during the tough times as well as the good times. If we were in a relationship and she started making demands like that, essentially telling me to "speed things up", I would break it off, no question.

 

Such a statement would clearly indicate that she's using me.

[Hoosfoos]

This all went down 3 and a half years ago. Despite having made Herculean efforts, I still haven't found "upward mobility". She is permanently blocked. She hurt me too much and I don't want her finding out about my personal situation. Anybody that is connected to her that ask me anything, I just deflect. I haven't dated since. Funny how life turns out this way, when you think you're doing all the right things.

[Springsummer]

woman here. I think you did the right thing. You don't want to be with that kind of person anyhow.

 

you tried your best, that's all that matter, and that should be all that is required of a person. Sometimes is just luck in life. You still have a long life before you, maybe you will have better luck later.

[GravityMan]

I think you should just let it go and move on with your life. Especially since this all happened 3.5 years ago. It will be easier to start dating again once you've truly mentally gotten over this woman and let the past go. You are dwelling on all this too much...that could be adversely affecting other important aspects of your current life. This dark cloud that you're allowing to linger over you may make you seem less "approachable" in the eyes of other women.

 

I mean, this woman attacked your manhood and shamed you. That alone tells me that she lacks maturity and empathy. She wasn't the right person for you. I doubt she truly loved you for you.

 

It's reasonable to expect that both people in a relationship be able to pull their own weight. It's also reasonable to prefer that one or both people achieve some professional success eventually, particularly if they are thinking about marriage and having kids. Now, what constitutes sufficient "success" will vary from relationship to relationship, and depends on a number of factors (some outside your control). Laziness, being un-motivated, being a dead-weight, going thru the motions all the time, lacking direction in life, lacking commitment, putting too much burden/responsibility on the partner...all of those things can drag a relationship down (or worse), and result in the partner feeling frustrated, slowed-down, unhappy and perhaps even bored.

 

However, I think both people having a good attitude trumps all of the above. Especially when one (or both) people are struggling in some way - partly due to circumstances beyond their control. Perhaps your difficulties achieving "upward mobility" may be an example of that. Sometimes, s*** just happens. And success often takes time...months, years. It can involve learning from your failures and screw-ups, and may include going through the grind for awhile. As long as you're not a slacker, the right woman will be understanding, supportive and will stick with you through tough times.

 

Lastly, be careful not to over-focus on trying to achieve a lot of upward mobility, particularly in a professional context. There's more to life than that. While making advancements is obviously good and commendable, keep in mind that a high amount of upward mobility (e.g. becoming an executive) may actually have some negative side-effects on the well-being of a romantic relationship, depending on the partner. Depending on the field/company, you may have to dedicate more hours to your profession, travel (for business) more often, etc. Possibly leading to less free time available to spend with her, despite having more socioeconomic power. Of course, if you find the right woman, then none of this will be an issue.

[Almond_Joy]

Seeking opinions. All this took place in the past.

 

After coaching each other through school, (and I had her back 100%, and I assumed she had mine), she found a good job right away. We worked in the same sector and I got completely f*cked over by HR. There is still no other way to look at it. So, after all this work, no job. Being in the sector that I was in, there were no second chances. She started taking shots at my manhood after this and was completely unsympathetic to my situation. After all that effort. I gave a pound of flesh.

 

I then made a conscious decision to return to school to upgrade my qualifications for a better chance of success and even better money (I actually had this in my back pocket as a contingency plan, and we argued about it for a year. She told me I wouldn't be good at it, that I wasn't truly interested in it, and it was "not a good idea"). She left the day I made it clear I wasn't going to give it up.

 

She tried contacting me not long afterwards afterwards out of guilt, and strangely enough, she got quite butthurt when I told her I wished no further contact. I was dying inside at the time.

 

 

 

Here's way more context here than what was in your OP.

 

What she did here is inexcusable, and it's a very good thing you moved on from her. She didn't believe in you, and that's not a partner.

[Hoosfoos]

I mean, this woman attacked your manhood and shamed you. That alone tells me that she lacks maturity and empathy. She wasn't the right person for you. I doubt she truly loved you for you

 

That says it all right there. I know it was a long time ago, but my journey of taking on two more years of school (on top of everything else I had already done) and the subsequent job hunt are intimately linked to me being on my own. I did all of this without her.

 

While in school, I did not feel that I was ready at all to date, so I left it completely alone. The job hunt I am going presently through has been anything but fruitful and I am stuck in a rut (financially and emotionally). My plan was for success. I haven't found it. That's the reason I still think about her so much.

 

Despite such lousy circumstances, the wisest thing I could have done was to block her and disappear. No way in hell I'd want her to find out about the struggles that I still face. If I find success i'll feel better but she will remain blocked.

[todreaminblue]

I feel she should have supported you in your endevour of higher learning as to me that is high motivation to go back to the drawing board as you did ...and draw......all i ever wanted from my man when i had him was for him to be happy in any work he did.....i was the one who wrote out his references and cover letters...to support him ......money has never been as important as job satisfaction for him from me, me and i dont expect it to be any different for the guy i was with thna how i feel you can achieve a better job prospect......when he couldnt find work i would go out and get a job.....just part time work dish washing, cleaning.....till he could get a job and keep looking.........i had kids at home as well so i didnt want to get too demanding a job.....an di only worked times that suited my family life....

 

because i loved him.....simple..i loved him more than i loved what we had...i wanted him to find a job he loved........materialistically not interested.......i also loved my family......and their happiness was always before mine.....

 

 

she wasnt fair to you.....and i think you know that.....you just didnt match long term.......for me upward mobility means progression of a relationship or family not one person earning more money....advancing a career(to me you were doign thatanyway by undertaking study which would mean some lean years)......which is probably more a true terminology for upward mobility...sacrifice and education for a better career......deb.

Edited April 14, 2017 by todreaminblue