"Everything you need to know about exes" - let's discuss

[Bromeo]

If someone cared about you, and wanted you in their life, they will struggle to let that go, even if they made the decision to let you go. For a very long time. As long as you don't pursue, and let them experience the full loss, it will make them suffer the consequences.

 

The question is if that will happen if they find someone new

 

Um, no. I think mine hardly suffered at all, and replaced me shortly afterwards.

 

This type of thinking is dangerous, and will keep people hanging on long after things are dead.

 

Let them go. Who cares what they think, how they suffer, and if they find someone new. Quit holding on, and find someone who loves and appreciates you.

[MeadowFlower]

Yes and No.

 

Question is why are you taking away the sex? Women's failure to understand male biology is what puts you in hot water. Just as a women ovulates monthly... men generate sperm and eventually new sperm is created and the old sperm is absorbed by the body or it has to come out. The body cues the male body to release the sperm and naturally this is with SEX. This biological function does not happen to women. So therefore most women are pretty much like a dear in head lights when they wonder why the man has stray.

 

Testosterone is also a drive for as we have 10 times more than you.

 

So yes... take away the sex and see what happens. That like boarding up all the bathrooms in your house.. you are going to eventually find a bathroom SOMEWHERE. As going to the bath is a BIOLOGICAL function.

 

It boggles me how many men put so much effort to understand women, but its not the reverse. Because the sense of entitlement and narcissism most women have today knowing they can simply trade-up detours them from understanding us. They never communicate what they feel.. they simply think like in fairy tails we are suppose to interconnect like perfectly cut sprockets meshing together in sync made from the heavens, so they simply take mental notes and devalue the men over a period of time and eventually it comes all out in one blow... too late for the guy to fix any problems that went under the radar in his eyes.

I wasn't saying to take away the sex literally. But if sex is the drive behind someone wanting to have a relationship with you... What about the spirit of the person, their ideas thoughts, who they are. What about love (real love), friendship, deep connections, heart to heart, support, commitment, devotion. If their was no expectation of sex to come with the girl, would the guy stilll want to be with her, spend the rest of his life with her, like her, love her. Sure sex is a part of a relationship usually, and it can be an expression of love. But if that's all the guy is interested in... Quite possibly you will dissagree, but that is your freedom .

[Altair0770]

 

Um, no. I think mine hardly suffered at all, and replaced me shortly afterwards.

 

This type of thinking is dangerous, and will keep people hanging on long after things are dead.

 

Let them go. Who cares what they think, how they suffer, and if they find someone new. Quit holding on, and find someone who loves and appreciates you.

 

While I agree, I doubt yours hardly suffered at all and went to a new emotional support system that will end in the same way. I do advocate letting go, as that should be everyones purpose. Eventually you'll reach the moment of reality that your ex wasn't as good as you thought when they broke up.

[Ronnys93]

While I agree, I doubt yours hardly suffered at all and went to a new emotional support system that will end in the same way. I do advocate letting go, as that should be everyones purpose. Eventually you'll reach the moment of reality that your ex wasn't as good as you thought when they broke up.

 

This is usually the case too for people with emotional traumas or hung up on their past exes, etc. They never see the cycle of the problem in front of them and jump into relationships with it ending the same exact way the last one ended.

[Altair0770]

This is usually the case too for people with emotional traumas or hung up on their past exes, etc. They never see the cycle of the problem in front of them and jump into relationships with it ending the same exact way the last one ended.

 

Yeah, that's why I'm not worried. I have no concerns at all with my ex having feelings for someone else. It's all online and she's just using them for emotional support because of her rough RL.

 

I do feel empathy for her, but I also feel hatred for her. Just waiting for that to pass.

 

Maybe I'll run into her one day. Maybe I'll still care after awhile. But right now it doesn't bother me. Maybe I'm dead wrong. Maybe she's deep throating the guy right now. Doesn't bother me because I am in proper NC.

 

Either way, she's the problem, and she knows it. And if she ever wants to speak with me, she will have to commit. Even when I'm 100% over it, I have no interest in being friends with someone that so easily was able to break my heart and give up.

 

I don't want an apology from her for me, I want her to apologize to herself for getting rid of someone that stuck by her side no matter what until she chose to get rid of me. She truly didn't understand that I wasn't going to be around when she broke up with me.

 

A temporary distraction. Either she come back or doesn't. Either way, I'm proud of myself for how I handled the relationship. I did my part. MORE than I should ever have to do. And it wasn't enough. Now, if she wants me in her life at all, it's her job to do the work.

 

Unfortunately for her, she doesn't understand that if you have a mental illness like hers, you need to appreciate the people that support you. Not that I ever did it for appreciation, but she got rid of me and didn't try despite saying she wanted to until she changed her mind.

 

My life will be much better without her once I'm over this little hump.

[EmilyJane]

While I believe in this to an extent. I also do think that there are reasons why lovers should leave the one they love for circumstantial reasons. All which I feel are valid such as abuse, destructive behavior, or neglect. You can love someone who DOES abuse you and for your safety it may force you to leave. Doesn't mean that you stop loving them though, hell you may still be in love with them.

 

Welcome to my life

 

It's hard being on here where people talk about "dumpers".

 

Most relationships that break down, and a good many that should but don't, are ones that needed to. You just have to wait sometimes to be able to see it.

[EmilyJane]

It's really interesting how relationships and love are idealised in society, but they cause more pain and anguish than anything else. Love seems to be a very short-lived phenomenon - maybe we are just not monogamous creatures. The flush of excitement lasts just long enough for a man to plant his seed and for a woman to become pregnant, then that's it. Dies down. Move on. End.

 

I think it's because it is the one fantasy that is equally accessible by everyone.

 

We are monogamous by enculturation, not by biology in the way you see in the animal kingdom.

 

And that's changed. In western society anyway. Now it's more common to see people having an exclusive partner for particular life stages not a lifetime.

 

Sometimes I look at all the f*cked up human beings around me in stable marriages having children and I start to wonder if maybe there are just two types of people. The ones that don't think too deeply and are able to just carry on with things as they are expected to and the ones that can't.

 

Otherwise I just don't understand and I don't understand what is so bad about me.

 

But I'm depressed righ now, so everything I think is pretty miserable.

[Ronnys93]

Welcome to my life

 

It's hard being on here where people talk about "dumpers".

 

Most relationships that break down, and a good many that should but don't, are ones that needed to. You just have to wait sometimes to be able to see it.

 

It is hard! I'm one of the dumpees, but in my case I was dumped by the person with the emotional trauma and baggage I don't necessarily blame him but I do feel sad that he didn't feel like he could try with me. But it is true that our relationship needed to break down in my case. If some day he is ever ready I'd be HAPPY to jump back in with some proper screening of course. That rarely ever happens though. They usually find someone else in the midst of their healing. Rough world aint it?

[EmilyJane]

It is hard! I'm one of the dumpees, but in my case I was dumped by the person with the emotional trauma and baggage I don't necessarily blame him but I do feel sad that he didn't feel like he could try with me. But it is true that our relationship needed to break down in my case. If some day he is ever ready I'd be HAPPY to jump back in with some proper screening of course. That rarely ever happens though. They usually find someone else in the midst of their healing. Rough world aint it?

 

I was the dumper. Sort of. Maybe more accurate to say the one who pulled the trigger that he wouldn't.

 

Mine won't find anyone else. I don't think he will even look. He's just trying to survive the mess he created.

 

He's learning that me and our relationship weren't the problem and that it was the only thing keeping him together.

 

I would get back together with mine. If he gets through this without suicide or something and stays sober.

[Altair0770]

It is hard! I'm one of the dumpees, but in my case I was dumped by the person with the emotional trauma and baggage I don't necessarily blame him but I do feel sad that he didn't feel like he could try with me. But it is true that our relationship needed to break down in my case. If some day he is ever ready I'd be HAPPY to jump back in with some proper screening of course. That rarely ever happens though. They usually find someone else in the midst of their healing. Rough world aint it?

 

I wouldn't be happy to jump into a relationship that they ended and have emotional trauma and baggage. That hardly ever changes. People, primarily dumpees, think they can change and put every effort to change what went wrong in a relationship they wish to revive, but once they get back into that relationship, the issue is too easy to come back.

 

I thought I was over my ex before reaching out to her (big mistake). Then I noticed I became clingy again, wanted to talk to her all the time. She didn't seem to mind it, but I was the one initiating contact.

 

Which is why I always advocate the truly move on before reaching out to an ex. In the end you get hurt, revert back to your old self and end up at square one when it comes to trying to change, or there hasn't been any time for them to truly miss you, if you come back before getting over it.

 

Even with someone there, there will be times they will miss you if you had any significant impact on their life.

 

But if it's the dumper that needs to change, as with both our cases, I'd rather wait for WW3 to start and have to drafted into the Military.

 

As much as I loved my ex, I no longer do, and I think most of my issue now is that it didn't work out despite trying so hard. That she was able to do so much damage to me that it makes me nervous that no matter how perfect I am for someone, anything could change instantly. In a way - trauma.

 

As for the dumpers perspective, I think there should be a dumpee and dumper forum. Some dumpers are not to blame, but most people that come here often are good people that were with someone they truly loved and put a lot of effort into the relationship and weren't appreciated, so they come here hurt and eventually turn spiteful towards dumpers in general. Can't really blame them. Hurt people hurt people. Right now the only thing on our minds a majority of the time is dumpers. We often forget that some people do deserved to be broken up with.

 

Heck the only person I can recall getting their ex back the last month was Hunk, who should have been dumped. Strange. I've also noticed people disappear though from here. Maybe they moved on and realized revisiting a site that helped them started turning detrimental because they reached the stage where they don't want to hear about misery. Or the reconcilied. It's like being in a prison, and every once in awhile your buddies get released and you envy them, mainly because also you didn't commit the crime (metaphor for likely not deserving to be dumped).

 

I do have sympathy for some dumpers. There was one woman that had to let go of an abusive relationship, and kept wondering when she should reach out to be friends. There is Emily here who, although I don't recall her story, seems to have had her hands tied. There were also those that have posted that their partner has done nothing wrong, they just don't feel progression.

 

Then there are stories like mine, where I was perfect for someone. Someone that was able to lean on me. Someone that I made so happy and gave the world to. Someone that... dumped me and made me feel like I was the one that molested them even though I never would do such a thing.

 

In the end though, we all gotta pick ourselves up and continue our lives. No relationship is perfect. Unfortunately some of us just fall victim to dating someone that thinks they are suppose to be perfect.

[EmilyJane]

I wouldn't be happy to jump into a relationship that they ended and have emotional trauma and baggage. That hardly ever changes. People, primarily dumpees, think they can change and put every effort to change what went wrong in a relationship they wish to revive, but once they get back into that relationship, the issue is too easy to come back.

 

I thought I was over my ex before reaching out to her (big mistake). Then I noticed I became clingy again, wanted to talk to her all the time. She didn't seem to mind it, but I was the one initiating contact.

 

Which is why I always advocate the truly move on before reaching out to an ex. In the end you get hurt, revert back to your old self and end up at square one when it comes to trying to change, or there hasn't been any time for them to truly miss you, if you come back before getting over it.

 

Even with someone there, there will be times they will miss you if you had any significant impact on their life.

 

But if it's the dumper that needs to change, as with both our cases, I'd rather wait for WW3 to start and have to drafted into the Military.

 

As much as I loved my ex, I no longer do, and I think most of my issue now is that it didn't work out despite trying so hard. That she was able to do so much damage to me that it makes me nervous that no matter how perfect I am for someone, anything could change instantly. In a way - trauma.

 

As for the dumpers perspective, I think there should be a dumpee and dumper forum. Some dumpers are not to blame, but most people that come here often are good people that were with someone they truly loved and put a lot of effort into the relationship and weren't appreciated, so they come here hurt and eventually turn spiteful towards dumpers in general. Can't really blame them. Hurt people hurt people. Right now the only thing on our minds a majority of the time is dumpers. We often forget that some people do deserved to be broken up with.

 

Heck the only person I can recall getting their ex back the last month was Hunk, who should have been dumped. Strange. I've also noticed people disappear though from here. Maybe they moved on and realized revisiting a site that helped them started turning detrimental because they reached the stage where they don't want to hear about misery. Or the reconcilied. It's like being in a prison, and every once in awhile your buddies get released and you envy them, mainly because also you didn't commit the crime (metaphor for likely not deserving to be dumped).

 

I do have sympathy for some dumpers. There was one woman that had to let go of an abusive relationship, and kept wondering when she should reach out to be friends. There is Emily here who, although I don't recall her story, seems to have had her hands tied. There were also those that have posted that their partner has done nothing wrong, they just don't feel progression.

 

Then there are stories like mine, where I was perfect for someone. Someone that was able to lean on me. Someone that I made so happy and gave the world to. Someone that... dumped me and made me feel like I was the one that molested them even though I never would do such a thing.

 

In the end though, we all gotta pick ourselves up and continue our lives. No relationship is perfect. Unfortunately some of us just fall victim to dating someone that thinks they are suppose to be perfect.

 

This post really spoke to me.

 

I'm not sure why exactly, maybe the weary tone of it.

 

It is like prison isn't it. Very apt metaphor.

 

I know I come on here when I am hurting the worst and lonely and lost. So when I am not I feel like I need to manage on my own in the real world.

 

I'm not exactly sure what my story is yet. Just that I'm going to do my best that it has a happy ending for me.

[Ronnys93]

I was the dumper. Sort of. Maybe more accurate to say the one who pulled the trigger that he wouldn't.

 

Mine won't find anyone else. I don't think he will even look. He's just trying to survive the mess he created.

 

He's learning that me and our relationship weren't the problem and that it was the only thing keeping him together.

 

I would get back together with mine. If he gets through this without suicide or something and stays sober.

 

Yeah, the same. The situation is not as dire but he has some emotional traumas that have made him want to die in the past and that scares me, but unfortunately it's no longer my problem.

[Ronnys93]

I wouldn't be happy to jump into a relationship that they ended and have emotional trauma and baggage. That hardly ever changes. People, primarily dumpees, think they can change and put every effort to change what went wrong in a relationship they wish to revive, but once they get back into that relationship, the issue is too easy to come back.

 

I thought I was over my ex before reaching out to her (big mistake). Then I noticed I became clingy again, wanted to talk to her all the time. She didn't seem to mind it, but I was the one initiating contact.

 

Which is why I always advocate the truly move on before reaching out to an ex. In the end you get hurt, revert back to your old self and end up at square one when it comes to trying to change, or there hasn't been any time for them to truly miss you, if you come back before getting over it.

 

Even with someone there, there will be times they will miss you if you had any significant impact on their life.

 

But if it's the dumper that needs to change, as with both our cases, I'd rather wait for WW3 to start and have to drafted into the Military.

 

As much as I loved my ex, I no longer do, and I think most of my issue now is that it didn't work out despite trying so hard. That she was able to do so much damage to me that it makes me nervous that no matter how perfect I am for someone, anything could change instantly. In a way - trauma.

 

As for the dumpers perspective, I think there should be a dumpee and dumper forum. Some dumpers are not to blame, but most people that come here often are good people that were with someone they truly loved and put a lot of effort into the relationship and weren't appreciated, so they come here hurt and eventually turn spiteful towards dumpers in general. Can't really blame them. Hurt people hurt people. Right now the only thing on our minds a majority of the time is dumpers. We often forget that some people do deserved to be broken up with.

 

Heck the only person I can recall getting their ex back the last month was Hunk, who should have been dumped. Strange. I've also noticed people disappear though from here. Maybe they moved on and realized revisiting a site that helped them started turning detrimental because they reached the stage where they don't want to hear about misery. Or the reconcilied. It's like being in a prison, and every once in awhile your buddies get released and you envy them, mainly because also you didn't commit the crime (metaphor for likely not deserving to be dumped).

 

I do have sympathy for some dumpers. There was one woman that had to let go of an abusive relationship, and kept wondering when she should reach out to be friends. There is Emily here who, although I don't recall her story, seems to have had her hands tied. There were also those that have posted that their partner has done nothing wrong, they just don't feel progression.

 

Then there are stories like mine, where I was perfect for someone. Someone that was able to lean on me. Someone that I made so happy and gave the world to. Someone that... dumped me and made me feel like I was the one that molested them even though I never would do such a thing.

 

In the end though, we all gotta pick ourselves up and continue our lives. No relationship is perfect. Unfortunately some of us just fall victim to dating someone that thinks they are suppose to be perfect.

 

That was powerful! In my situation my dumper would have to move out of his parents house, work on the fact that he was emotionally neglected, and that he IS able to be loved. He's going to therapy to seek help but removed any notion that we could get back together after her was better. But you're right, the likelihood of that ever happening is slim and it only continues to keep me from completely moving on.

 

I do think somewhere deep down inside my dumper wants to change and isn't looking for anything serious at the moment because he can't live that lifestyle (he's a gay male in a strict homophobic catholic family. Although he's 24 they control much of his life). I thought I could get him out of that situation and boy he proved me wrong. That's his thing to deal with now, not mine.

 

I love how therapeutic this thread is!

[Altair0770]

You're lucky. Mine doesn't realize she is the problem. *cough* narcissist *cough*.

 

I still question if it makes it easier or not.

 

I will be rooming with a girl I kinda have a crush on though. With 2 other guys. Going to have to get my alpha male status muhaha. But hopefully this pushes me over the edge.

 

Sometimes it gets rough, where I think of all the terrible things she did to me. I just want to let that go. It's rough. I've let her go, but not how much she abused me...

[Ronnys93]

You're lucky. Mine doesn't realize she is the problem. *cough* narcissist *cough*.

 

I still question if it makes it easier or not.

 

I will be rooming with a girl I kinda have a crush on though. With 2 other guys. Going to have to get my alpha male status muhaha. But hopefully this pushes me over the edge.

 

Sometimes it gets rough, where I think of all the terrible things she did to me. I just want to let that go. It's rough. I've let her go, but not how much she abused me...

 

I do take pride in the fact that I did help him realize that he had an issue and that he needed therapy. It does help to know that I helped in that sense. But because I wanted something more that's where I'm torn.

 

I think you will be moving on pretty soon just fine! You're well on your way and working the process as you should be.

[Altair0770]

Doesn't feel that way. My ex is apparently going to therapy. Issue is PTSD isn't the main issue. Narcissism is. Lack of appreciation. Lack of true love. My friends, the ones that have been right about EVERYTHING, "guarantee" she will be broken up with/break up with a LOT. She's attractive, that's the only thing going for her.

 

I keep hearing people say "both partners are at fault somehow". I really don't think so in this case. Heck she even said "you know this isn't your fault" and then continued to abuse me. There was literally nothing I could do.

 

She is broken beyond repair.

[Ronnys93]

Doesn't feel that way. My ex is apparently going to therapy. Issue is PTSD isn't the main issue. Narcissism is. Lack of appreciation. Lack of true love. My friends, the ones that have been right about EVERYTHING, "guarantee" she will be broken up with/break up with a LOT. She's attractive, that's the only thing going for her.

 

I keep hearing people say "both partners are at fault somehow". I really don't think so in this case. Heck she even said "you know this isn't your fault" and then continued to abuse me. There was literally nothing I could do.

 

She is broken beyond repair.

 

Something about therapy is that it really only works when the person who is going WANTS to change. I do know a woman who is married to a narcisist, and he is working on himself and aware. She may be indeed broken beyond repair, only time will tell. I also think that general statements such as "both partners are at fault somehow" I think are true to an extent. There is always an exception though. Yours is likely the exception. I don't think it's healthy to harp on what their issues are anyway. They literally control their own destiny. Since they do not want us apart of their destiny we can only wish them the best, or the worst (if we choose) and move on with our own lives.

[airborne3502]

Great thread Altair!

 

This jumped out at me:

 

That she was able to do so much damage to me that it makes me nervous that no matter how perfect I am for someone, anything could change instantly. In a way - trauma.

 

As she was saying goodbye, (after our first fight), I said to my ex, "I didn't realize that I had to be perfect."

 

I agree about the trauma. I pitched a no-hitter right up until I got rocked in the 9th inning. It used to bother me, as far as my ex is concerned, but I got kicked to the curb guilt-free. It's the fear of it happening again that's troubling. I don't want to turn into an insensitive, emotionally unavailable a-hole, but I really don't care to go through that experience again. My heart is going to more guarded than Fort Knox.

 

My ex is apparently going to therapy.

 

So is mine.

 

Lack of appreciation. Lack of true love.

 

According to her therapist, my ex's ex-husband is a textbook narcissist. Yet she exhibits the characteristics above.

 

and this:

 

"They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). On the other hand, narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you."

 

and this:

 

"They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations."

 

Hmmmm.

[Daisy2013]

Can this post be pinned? It is so valuable!

[EmilyJane]

You're lucky. Mine doesn't realize she is the problem. *cough* narcissist *cough*.

 

I still question if it makes it easier or not.

 

I will be rooming with a girl I kinda have a crush on though. With 2 other guys. Going to have to get my alpha male status muhaha. But hopefully this pushes me over the edge.

 

Sometimes it gets rough, where I think of all the terrible things she did to me. I just want to let that go. It's rough. I've let her go, but not how much she abused me...

 

What exactly is an alpha anyway? I only see guys on here talk about it

[Altair0770]

What exactly is an alpha anyway? I only see guys on here talk about it

 

Depends on who you ask.

 

There are alpha and beta.

 

Alpha male in general is like the top dog. The LEADER of the pack. Alpha wolf. Doesn't take **** from anyone and is the best around.

 

I see it more as a personal thing for myself. I'm the leader of myself, not someone else. I control my own destiny and don't follow anyone else to happiness, I just bring them along.

 

Basically being the best around or best version of yourself, depending on who you ask.

[Altair0770]

Great thread Altair!

 

This jumped out at me:

 

 

 

As she was saying goodbye, (after our first fight), I said to my ex, "I didn't realize that I had to be perfect."

 

I agree about the trauma. I pitched a no-hitter right up until I got rocked in the 9th inning. It used to bother me, as far as my ex is concerned, but I got kicked to the curb guilt-free. It's the fear of it happening again that's troubling. I don't want to turn into an insensitive, emotionally unavailable a-hole, but I really don't care to go through that experience again. My heart is going to more guarded than Fort Knox.

 

 

 

So is mine.

 

 

 

According to her therapist, my ex's ex-husband is a textbook narcissist. Yet she exhibits the characteristics above.

 

and this:

 

"They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). On the other hand, narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you."

 

and this:

 

"They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations."

 

Hmmmm.

 

Just got done writing about narcissists in protec's thread.

 

It aint ever gonna work with narcissists. They need that damn supply!

[EmilyJane]

Depends on who you ask.

 

There are alpha and beta.

 

Alpha male in general is like the top dog. The LEADER of the pack. Alpha wolf. Doesn't take **** from anyone and is the best around.

 

I see it more as a personal thing for myself. I'm the leader of myself, not someone else. I control my own destiny and don't follow anyone else to happiness, I just bring them along.

 

Basically being the best around or best version of yourself, depending on who you ask.

 

 

What has it got to do with dating? Like, women don't think like that

[Ronnys93]

I think the thing that bothered me most about my break up was how my ex made the decision for me to decide that I wasn't deserving of what he was doing. In reality, a lot of the stuff that was going on wasn't bothering me and it wasn't stuff that I thought needed to change. However, I wasn't able to see the stuff that he was doing to OTHERS around him because I was blinded by the love I felt in the relationship. Still upsets me because I never got a chance to really give it a fair shot, but I know it probably would have ended anyway.

[Altair0770]

What has it got to do with dating? Like, women don't think like that

 

It's a guy thing. We believe generally women are attracted to alpha males. Some guys have their own perspective of it.

 

Some thing that being muscular and ripped is being an alpha male.

 

Some thing being a douche bag to people is being an alpha male.

 

Some think it's being the center of attention and leading a big group is being an alpha male.

 

Others, like me, think it just means being able to be happy on our own (not single, but that we create our own happiness and have more to share).

 

Being a beta means... well... someone that begs and cries over a breakup. We all know that begging and pleading doesn't work, and it's a beta move. Women want a man that can handle themselves. Not a man that needs something to be happy.

 

That's generally the male perspective of what we tend to think women want.