"Everything you need to know about exes" - let's discuss

[Altair0770]

Entirely possible, and my ex probably falls into this same category so i understand. However, if someone will be OK with losing you forever simply because of pride or a fear of rejection.... then is that someone you really want to be with?? If she is so ready to let simple pride or fear get in the way of being with someone she truly loved... then the relationship would be so frail that it wouldn't even last anyway. If pride is top priority then that person will neverbe able to have a successful, happy relationship.

 

She had the balls to dump you, dont think she's incapable of having the balls to admit she wants you back. You are making excuses for her.

 

What you want is a woman who:

 

1. Would never let you go in the first place, and

 

2. Would toss pride or fear or rejection aside to get you back if she lost you.

 

Anything less and GOOD LUCK making that relationship last. The slightest wind will destroy it again. She's got to really WANT you back, for real, and actually TRY.

 

Do you value yourself? She doesnt value you enough... she tossed you away, and now "spying" on your social media, and suddenly you think that's good enough for you to crawl back to her?? C'mon Altair... she's gotta put more effort in than that. We, as a species, value things that require effort or work. If she doesnt have to put in ANY effort to get you back, she will just take you for granted all over again, and dump you again.

 

Dude... you need to reread everything you wrote in your original post on page 1 of this thread. Read it again and again, don't lose sight of the clarity you had when you wrote it. Have some self respect, and stay NC. If she wants you for real you will get more than "spying" on your Twitter account.

 

Further, i am NOT convinced she wants you back at this point. Nosey curiosity does not equal reconciliation. Not even close! For reference: My ex wanted to watch movies with me, cook dinner with me, see my new place, breadcrumbed me for 5 months, asked about my job, opened my mail, spied on my social media and asked her friends about me.... and it meant nothing... she didnt want me back, because when i would reach back, she would disappear or pull away, and when I demanded she come clean about her breadcrumbs , she went ghost. This is just an idea of how anything short of conspicuously saying she wants to reconcile could very likely mean NOTHING.... especially mere spying on your ****.

 

I dont think either of you are ready for reconciliation at this point. You dont seem over here or moved on, and either does she will all the spying. You both need to completely move on if you are to have any serious, lasting reconciliation sometime in your future. That doesn't appear to be the case here.

 

The tone of your posts has changed significantly as of lately, and i know how you feel because ive been there and im a few months ahead of you. There is a low point in NC around the 6 month mark where part of your brain regresses to the early NC days. Maybe its the realization that you will probably never see or talk to your ex again, and the shock that, despite the hope that you harbor deep in your heart, she hasnt made any moves. This milestone is tough to climb over, but its just a hump.

 

You need more time, more NC. You need to get to the point where her spying on your **** doesnt even interest you in the slightest because you dont care, and she needs to get to the point where she isnt spying on you anymore because she's over it too. Before then, dont even attmept contact or reconciliation because its too early.

 

 

 

You are right. I wasn't going to crawl back to her. I never would. You do make a good point. If she was so easily able to break my heart, she shouldn't have a problem coming back. I know it'd take her a lot of courage. I also know that I was very good to her. Always was by her side and know I can make her happy. I don't think she knows what she wants at this point, but she had happiness and threw it away. If she doesn't want to come back to that, then that's her loss.

 

I also had the re-realization that she's a narcissist, and I just need to stop chasing abuse. My last session in therapy brought up a good point of how I held onto hopes my best friend would see me as his best friend after all we went through, but he treated me like dirt to impress new friends when I was younger. I spent 4 hours thinking I was his best friend, until I let go. We weren't romantic or anything.

 

I guess I need to take this time to learn to not be addicted to being abused or walked on. I need to let go of her false self. Even coming back, when she wasn't devaluing me, I saw too much narcissism in her. How she only cared about herself, and how she tried to relieve guilt of what she did to me by finding forgiveness from other people that weren't ever mad at her, while none of those people ever reached out to me for my side of the story, or if it was okay to forgive her. How she continued to lie to me.

 

Maybe this is false hope. Maybe I'm scared she'll come back and suck me back into a false relationship only to hurt me again. Maybe I'm afraid to let go because I invested so much of myself into the relationship, nearly died from it, lost 45-60lbs simply by not eating due to the constant anxiety attacks preventing me from being able to even eat soup. Maybe I'm afraid to let go because I'm such an empathetic person, that I know I'm a ticket to her happily ever after and she tore the ticket up in fear. Maybe I fear being wrong about her being a narcissist, and that someone else will get to completely enjoy her false self. Maybe I do fear that she will never reach out to me, and I will never see or speak to her again. Maybe I fear that I'll never be able to love someone again.

 

Thanks for the kick in the ass. I needed it. I assure everyone I will not ever initiate contact with this woman. I mainly just want to know what it means when she spies on me daily. Maybe it's curiosity. Maybe she's just nosy. Or maybe she can't let go either. Maybe she's close to realizing her mistake. Bottom line is none of it truly matters to me, because even if she did realize she made the worst mistake of her life, it won't matter unless she makes the effort to win ME back.

[jamili]

If she was so easily able to break my heart, she shouldn't have a problem coming back. I know it'd take her a lot of courage.

 

Courage is a good trait - male or female. Ideally, you want to find a partner who has the courage to fix something they broke, without fear of possible rejection. Willing to lose you forever because she's too "scared" is a weak and immature person who won't make a good partner and will 9/10 break up with you again because of this same weakness and immaturity. If she's weak and scared now, then it isn't time for reconciliation. If she works on herself and improves herself, as you are doing, then she will gain the courage and the relationship could work. As it stands right now she doesn't appear to have worked on herself enough, if at all... thus a reconciliation would not likely work, even if you did both want it right now (which I still believe is currently not the case).

 

I mainly just want to know what it means when she spies on me daily. Maybe it's curiosity. Maybe she's just nosy. Or maybe she can't let go either. Maybe she's close to realizing her mistake. Bottom line is none of it truly matters to me, because even if she did realize she made the worst mistake of her life, it won't matter unless she makes the effort to win ME back.

Yes. And the goal is that you won't care anymore what she's thinking. I know you are still far away from that ... but it will come in time. Like I said before, there is a definite relapse period after ~6 months of hard NC where you start to have all these thoughts - I had them too... nearly identical, in fact. ****, I'm still not over it.. but it is getting better. I'm at about 8 months post-breakup now.

 

Months 1-5 I was doing pretty solid, felt strong, felt like I was getting over her, etc. Then months 5-7 I started freaking out and having ALL the same feelings you are having. There was a point I even seriously contemplated breaking NC and contacting her and telling her I miss her. It took a LOT of self control to prevent myself. It was bad, I started to miss her like it was Day 1 again.. it felt random.. how could I have been doing so well, and just suddenly regress?

 

It's a hump... maybe the peak of a mountain. Are you a hiker? The final 1/2 mile of a steep elevation hike is the most difficult. But once you get over the top, the way down is much easier... and eventually you are down the mountain. Your feelings are normal and now is the time you need muster up the strength to weather the next few difficult months.

 

You need to get her out of your mind, any way you can. She's stalking you on Twitter? Deactivate your twitter for a couple months... it won't kill you, will it? Just reactivate it when you are past this hump. Just prevent yourself from seeing that she is thinking about you. My solution was to tell my ex to stop contacting me and sending me breadcrumbs if she didn't have something meaningful to say. For the next 2 months after sending that, I felt like total crap, like I "blew" it. That was me being insecure and tricking myself. Now, in retrospect, it was a solid move as I did indeed get the breadcrumbs to stop and it has allowed me to move on more.. and in reality if she truly wanted me back, and I was truly worth it to her, she would have come clean about it then. She actually send me one more text since... recently in fact... and I actually handled it and responded instantaneously, and it barely even affected me! I know I wouldn't have come to that point had I not had at least a few months of zero breadcrumbs. Maybe for you it will take deactivating her twitter for a little while. Then, maybe after a couple months of that, you can reactivate - and if she's still stalking you, at that point you won't care.

 

Typing this now I know I'm still not out of the woods. In a couple days... a week... a month... I could regress again and start missing her like crazy again. That's how this is - a freaking rollercoaster. You just have to stay strong throughout it and have faith that someday you will truly feel indifference, it just will take a LOT longer than you probably had in mind.

Edited May 18, 2017 by jamili

[BryanSmiley]

You are right. I wasn't going to crawl back to her. I never would. You do make a good point. If she was so easily able to break my heart, she shouldn't have a problem coming back. I know it'd take her a lot of courage. I also know that I was very good to her. Always was by her side and know I can make her happy. I don't think she knows what she wants at this point, but she had happiness and threw it away. If she doesn't want to come back to that, then that's her loss.

 

I also had the re-realization that she's a narcissist, and I just need to stop chasing abuse. My last session in therapy brought up a good point of how I held onto hopes my best friend would see me as his best friend after all we went through, but he treated me like dirt to impress new friends when I was younger. I spent 4 hours thinking I was his best friend, until I let go. We weren't romantic or anything.

 

I guess I need to take this time to learn to not be addicted to being abused or walked on. I need to let go of her false self. Even coming back, when she wasn't devaluing me, I saw too much narcissism in her. How she only cared about herself, and how she tried to relieve guilt of what she did to me by finding forgiveness from other people that weren't ever mad at her, while none of those people ever reached out to me for my side of the story, or if it was okay to forgive her. How she continued to lie to me.

 

Maybe this is false hope. Maybe I'm scared she'll come back and suck me back into a false relationship only to hurt me again. Maybe I'm afraid to let go because I invested so much of myself into the relationship, nearly died from it, lost 45-60lbs simply by not eating due to the constant anxiety attacks preventing me from being able to even eat soup. Maybe I'm afraid to let go because I'm such an empathetic person, that I know I'm a ticket to her happily ever after and she tore the ticket up in fear. Maybe I fear being wrong about her being a narcissist, and that someone else will get to completely enjoy her false self. Maybe I do fear that she will never reach out to me, and I will never see or speak to her again. Maybe I fear that I'll never be able to love someone again.

 

Thanks for the kick in the ass. I needed it. I assure everyone I will not ever initiate contact with this woman. I mainly just want to know what it means when she spies on me daily. Maybe it's curiosity. Maybe she's just nosy. Or maybe she can't let go either. Maybe she's close to realizing her mistake. Bottom line is none of it truly matters to me, because even if she did realize she made the worst mistake of her life, it won't matter unless she makes the effort to win ME back.

 

If it’s any consolation your situation isn’t massively different to mine either, don’t give yourself too hard a time. I was messed around by a narcisstic woman for about 6 months on/off and it still a couple months on of NC, messes with my head and feels like I have less of my persona than I had before. It’s horrid. I plan on getting some therapy as her characteristic traits of being selfish, less empathetic, hot to cold, really clashed with mine. I’m quite a loyal selfless person and it’s resulted in me really coming off worse and shattering my confidence. Self esteem could have been better before as Jamili is right in pointing out self worth. But still this experience looks to have lead us to compromise too much of ourselves in the hope of loyalty.

 

I still see her occasionally at work every week or so which doesn’t help. Although saying that yesterday I forced myself to go in the work kitchen knowing she was in there talking to someone (I needed a drink and shouldn’t have to wait). Anyhow we exchanged plain enough “Hi’s” but I noticed how much she was staring at me. Like your ex stalking with you it messes with your head. But I can say from this being in person it felt to me like she was almost doing the same intense stares she’d always done at me, seeing how I was, would react, how bothered I was. That’s a narcissist there for sure. One bite off you and they’ll likely back off again. I found it awkward but know a part of her still really likes me (she’s said as much). But ultimately there’s enough issues on their side my friend, to stop it being healthy or warrant any chasing.

 

I’ve toyed with breaking NC again a number of times and this actually re-affirmed that I shouldn’t oddly. She seems to be building curiosity of me again and contacting would shatter that. Whether I would entertain a serious reach out from her or not I don’t know. But like you I don’t believe she has, or will ever have the humility, maturity, pride to process it all and reach out. So like you said, it’s there loss. Keep on trucking my friend, I know how it feels, your situation is on a greater scale so have some pride at how your taking the mature path (albeit with some short term pain for a better long-term outcome). It's certainly heartening for me, relating to similarities in someone elses situation. Hopefully it is for you a little.

Edited May 18, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[Altair0770]

It sort of does. Reminds me that would I rather be at someone that has two options - A) Communicate what went wrong with me or B) treat me like garbage and communicate with others if she should end it with me or not.

 

She took option B, and now she's suffering. I can't know for sure, but remembering the previous NC she made it plain as day that she was miserable without me. Even when I did contact her, she was very sad and it was obvious. The fact she's spying on me shows that she does at least miss my presence, but what she doesn't yet realize, imo, is that it's gone until she makes a move, and honestly even then, no matter how much my heart wants to rekindle things, my brain says "hell no". Jamill is right, it wouldn't last long, and I have a feeling she would just string me along for years because of her PTSD, and just use me as a friend until she's recovered to the point where she believes she can do a relationship, and likely cheat with someone else.

 

I know I treated her right. I know I did everything correctly and it was just her being ****ed up that lead to the breakup. Nothing I could have done to prevent it, because she simply wasn't ready. She so badly wanted me in her life. She knew I was the greatest person she's ever met. But she'll have to live with her mistake when people break up with her because they can't handle her PTSD and attitude.

 

I am still empathetic for her. PTSD can't be cured. You can't erase the past. And no matter who she dates in person, they WILL trigger her. It's a matter if she can deal with that, or love someone that will send her into panic.

 

It wouldn't be a good life living with her. It would be the same abuse. I don't want that. But I still miss her false self. The one that shared so many similarities and dreams, and actually felt like she was there for me.

 

Maybe I don't want her, maybe I just can't stand my plan to be there for her through her recovery never happened.

[Bromeo]

Altair, I've followed your thread from its inception. Real talk is, at some point you need to look forward and quit looking backwards. Your ex, like mine represents the past.

 

Jamili makes some excellent, thoughtful anecdotes. You don't need to delete your social media, however you need to quit spinning about a woman who decided that your relationship was no longer worth her effort. Whether she stalks you, breadcrumbs, or even tries to reconcile, self preservation should be paramount, and it only kicks in when self respect takes over.

 

My breakup hurt so bad I never thought I would feel better. Four months nc after 3 months of push pull games later I still get stabs, but as unstable as I was, I wish never to return to that feeling.

 

Each person gets there differently, and you should work to position yourself in the strongest place moving forward. That means being happy, dating, and rewiring a hurt heart and brain by whatever methodology you choose.

 

After spending the last several months educating myself on relationships, breakups, and the psychology therein, there appears to be a trend among insecure, immature partners. Your ex seems to fit that trend. Jamilis, mine, Markys, they all think that confusion and poor communication somehow makes them more in control, when the opposite - clear, concise direct communication actually makes both partners feel secure and loved.

 

I'd love to have a conversation with my ex, just to see what she's been up to these last months. However, she would begin her immature games again, and it isn't worth it. For me, she was my best friend. That part I miss.

 

Therefore, give this woman the gift of missing you. Whether she is stalking, missing you, has ptsd, won an Olympic medal, or pilots an alien spacecraft, self esteem dictates she is no longer worth your consideration, and the space she is renting in your heart.

 

No condemnation, ridicule, or sarcasm meant. Just thoughts on the path.

[Altair0770]

Altair, I've followed your thread from its inception. Real talk is, at some point you need to look forward and quit looking backwards. Your ex, like mine represents the past.

 

Jamili makes some excellent, thoughtful anecdotes. You don't need to delete your social media, however you need to quit spinning about a woman who decided that your relationship was no longer worth her effort. Whether she stalks you, breadcrumbs, or even tries to reconcile, self preservation should be paramount, and it only kicks in when self respect takes over.

 

My breakup hurt so bad I never thought I would feel better. Four months nc after 3 months of push pull games later I still get stabs, but as unstable as I was, I wish never to return to that feeling.

 

Each person gets there differently, and you should work to position yourself in the strongest place moving forward. That means being happy, dating, and rewiring a hurt heart and brain by whatever methodology you choose.

 

After spending the last several months educating myself on relationships, breakups, and the psychology therein, there appears to be a trend among insecure, immature partners. Your ex seems to fit that trend. Jamilis, mine, Markys, they all think that confusion and poor communication somehow makes them more in control, when the opposite - clear, concise direct communication actually makes both partners feel secure and loved.

 

I'd love to have a conversation with my ex, just to see what she's been up to these last months. However, she would begin her immature games again, and it isn't worth it. For me, she was my best friend. That part I miss.

 

Therefore, give this woman the gift of missing you. Whether she is stalking, missing you, has ptsd, won an Olympic medal, or pilots an alien spacecraft, self esteem dictates she is no longer worth your consideration, and the space she is renting in your heart.

 

No condemnation, ridicule, or sarcasm meant. Just thoughts on the path.

 

Well said. I hit a low point today. Maybe it's because Chris Cornell died. That stuff scares me. Dude was extremely talented, rich, and handsome as hell. Was a rock legend. And he committed suicide because of depression. It sucks, but I envied him. Some days are just like that. I have decided to just make an alternative account from now on, and follow the people I wish to follow and let some of my loyal followers know of the situation. I don't plan on checking my exes social media. It's so easy to stalk on social media platforms, that I have the self control seeing as I haven't yet in 3+ months now.

 

Eventually though, I just thought to myself that I don't need her. I truly don't. I'm just a very empathetic person, and knows she needs someone like me. The abuse I went through came back into my mind. It didn't give me anger, or sadness. It gave me relief that I no longer am a puppet on her strings. I am free from that abuse. I am free to find someone that will also take care of me when I'm feeling down, rather than knowing I'm depressed and making it worse like my ex.

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her back. But I know that's emotion. I know that's still holding onto the fantasy. Logically, I want her looks and quirks but with a different personality. After all, being in a relationship with a narcissist is the worst thing that has happened in my life. She has been by far the worst thing that happened in my life.

[penelopeanne]

Well said. I hit a low point today. Maybe it's because Chris Cornell died. That stuff scares me. Dude was extremely talented, rich, and handsome as hell. Was a rock legend. And he committed suicide because of depression. It sucks, but I envied him. Some days are just like that. I have decided to just make an alternative account from now on, and follow the people I wish to follow and let some of my loyal followers know of the situation. I don't plan on checking my exes social media. It's so easy to stalk on social media platforms, that I have the self control seeing as I haven't yet in 3+ months now.

 

Eventually though, I just thought to myself that I don't need her. I truly don't. I'm just a very empathetic person, and knows she needs someone like me. The abuse I went through came back into my mind. It didn't give me anger, or sadness. It gave me relief that I no longer am a puppet on her strings. I am free from that abuse. I am free to find someone that will also take care of me when I'm feeling down, rather than knowing I'm depressed and making it worse like my ex.

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her back. But I know that's emotion. I know that's still holding onto the fantasy. Logically, I want her looks and quirks but with a different personality. After all, being in a relationship with a narcissist is the worst thing that has happened in my life. She has been by far the worst thing that happened in my life.

 

sorry you hit a low point. i want to chime in and say i was pretty affected by chris cornell's death as well. also because it was in the same manner that a friend of mine took his last summer. so there is some triggering effects for sure.

you just never know, right? people can really suffer in the darkness.

on top of that news, i hear yesterday that my ex reached out to one of my closest friends, innocently via instagram messenging but still reached out.

this set me back a bit and almost made me want him to reach out to me. he isnt doing well, so it sparked my care taking side.

ugh. gotta keep the focus.

it's so hard some days.

i hope today is better for you.

[Altair0770]

sorry you hit a low point. i want to chime in and say i was pretty affected by chris cornell's death as well. also because it was in the same manner that a friend of mine took his last summer. so there is some triggering effects for sure.

you just never know, right? people can really suffer in the darkness.

on top of that news, i hear yesterday that my ex reached out to one of my closest friends, innocently via instagram messenging but still reached out.

this set me back a bit and almost made me want him to reach out to me. he isnt doing well, so it sparked my care taking side.

ugh. gotta keep the focus.

it's so hard some days.

i hope today is better for you.

 

Trust me, don't reach out. I was spying on my first round of NC (I went back to her for 2 months trying to make it work). She was MISERABLE and it felt like I was progressing with being, "okay" while she was getting worse or worse. I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I checked her profile daily, and it was always super sad stuff aimed at me. Felt like it was the golden opportunity to reach out, so I did. She was sad for an entire month and I let her suffer with a smirk on my face, until I just couldn't take seeing her hurt anymore.

 

Now it's out of sight, out of mind. She could be thrilled for all I know. She could be extremely depressed. She could sound happy and cheerful but deep down be extremely depressed (just look at Cornell unfortunately). It's easy to hide what you feel on social media. Heck, I used that to my advantage the first round. Now I just don't post anything and view news on Twitter. Haven't even logged into my Facebook besides messenger in a long time.

 

I do believe my ex assumes I spy on her social media these days. Having her little form of indirect contact being setting her account to private and then unprivate when I did (for other reasons than her, I assumed she would have listened to her bitch friend that feeds her bull**** and not be snooping).

 

I know my best bet, if I ever did want her back, is to move on. She's very, very childish. Clear as day doesn't understand that a relationship is a two way street and is just obsessed with a fantasy of someone taking her away from her dark filled life. Even if we did reconcile, I doubt I'd even be able to see her for a long time, and that's just not something I'm willing to wait for. I want my ex back that I fell in love with, not who she truly is. Accepting that is tough.

 

Hope your day goes well too. Be careful around that friend that your ex reached out to. Make sure s/he doesn't give too much information. Even from our best friends, any information that is directed towards an ex could be said wrong. Someone I thought was my friend told my ex that I made peace with making friends. That friend KNEW I wanted to reconcile.

[jamili]

 

Someone I thought was my friend told my ex that I made peace with making friends. That friend KNEW I wanted to reconcile.

 

I dont think your friend telling your ex that you were at peace with being friends made a lick of a difference. If she actually wanted to be with you, she would be with you. Again, you are tricking yourself. You dont have the level of control that you think you do. Your friend's statement is irrelevant.

 

Ask any woman - if a woman is in love with a man, and then dumps him, and then she later truly wanted him back.... learning that he was "at peace with the breakup" would NOT stop her. That couldn't have looked anything but GOOD imo. I think this places you in a good light tbh, i wouldn't worry about that at all.

[Altair0770]

I dont think your friend telling your ex that you were at peace with being friends made a lick of a difference. If she actually wanted to be with you, she would be with you. Again, you are tricking yourself. You dont have the level of control that you think you do. Your friend's statement is irrelevant.

 

Ask any woman - if a woman is in love with a man, and then dumps him, and then she later truly wanted him back.... learning that he was "at peace with the breakup" would NOT stop her. That couldn't have looked anything but GOOD imo. I think this places you in a good light tbh, i wouldn't worry about that at all.

 

I don't see how, I told her that being friends isnt a possibility. And I don't want breadcrumbs seeking friendship. I'd rather be left alone. I truthfully don't want any contact from her as long as her door is closed.

 

I do agree it's good. I don't think she would have admitted her feelings for someone else if she assumed I was trying to reconcile.

 

I just don't get why she knows all this and is spying on me. I always say social media is a lie. I don't know what she posts at all, but I question why she would have checked likely daily to see if I was still set to private. Literally less than 24 hours later she noticed when I wasn't private. I've decided to just unblock everyone and keep it that way so I don't see her face anymore. If she's going to spy, she doesn't need her main account to do that. Literally with Twitter you can have two accounts set on your phone and just hit a button to swap between the two. It's literally no hassle to do. Damn social media.

 

Been about a week since I posted anything though. Going to aim for a month and see if that gets her to stop her spying, but then again she may have already stopped by now. I don't know. But knowing her, I know she is nosy as hell. After all she looked me up far before talking to me. I guess was to get to know my likes. When I mentioned being Facebook friends before we started dating, I had a request before even finishing that sentence and giving out my real name (we met on a game).

 

Heck she may even know who I am on these forums lol.

[jamili]

I don't see how, I told her that being friends isnt a possibility. And I don't want breadcrumbs seeking friendship. I'd rather be left alone. I truthfully don't want any contact from her as long as her door is closed.

 

I do agree it's good. I don't think she would have admitted her feelings for someone else if she assumed I was trying to reconcile.

 

I just don't get why she knows all this and is spying on me. I always say social media is a lie. I don't know what she posts at all, but I question why she would have checked likely daily to see if I was still set to private. Literally less than 24 hours later she noticed when I wasn't private. I've decided to just unblock everyone and keep it that way so I don't see her face anymore. If she's going to spy, she doesn't need her main account to do that. Literally with Twitter you can have two accounts set on your phone and just hit a button to swap between the two. It's literally no hassle to do. Damn social media.

 

Been about a week since I posted anything though. Going to aim for a month and see if that gets her to stop her spying, but then again she may have already stopped by now. I don't know. But knowing her, I know she is nosy as hell. After all she looked me up far before talking to me. I guess was to get to know my likes. When I mentioned being Facebook friends before we started dating, I had a request before even finishing that sentence and giving out my real name (we met on a game).

 

Heck she may even know who I am on these forums lol.

 

Ideally, you should live your life and not give a @#$% whether she's spying or not. Don't put your life on hold. Instead, ignore the spying. But, I understand it's very difficult to do that... so maybe walking away from it for a while is a good idea. Maybe in a month or so you will be at that point where you don't care anymore who's spying.

 

And yea... as far as her spying is concerned... I'd bet she's just nosy. It's very common for dumpers to wonder what their ex is up to. This is why NC can "work" to get a dumper at least potentially wondering about you. But it doesn't mean much beyond that. Selfish curiosity. She might just want to see what the guy she dumped is doing, it's something some people are curious about. But, don't worry about it. She's gonna do her thing whether you worry about it or not... just go on with your life, without her in it, and live normally. If that curiosity grows into something more months or years in the future, cross that bridge when you come to it. If that situation hypothetically presents itself someday, you're only chance in hell at reconciliation is if you are completely over her and completely clear-headed.

 

"Remember, THEY made the decision to cut you completely from their life. They have *NO* right to know about you. THEY made that decision." -Altair0770, 2017

 

Just let her wonder for as long as she wants. Let her wonder until she's blue in the face. You stop wondering about her. I know it's hard, firsthand. Trust me. I know you are in that "worse before it gets better" hump because I was there, very recently. I feel ya man. But right now I think the best thing you can do is train yourself to not give a damn what she's thinking or what her current motives are.

[Altair0770]

Ideally, you should live your life and not give a @#$% whether she's spying or not. Don't put your life on hold. Instead, ignore the spying. But, I understand it's very difficult to do that... so maybe walking away from it for a while is a good idea. Maybe in a month or so you will be at that point where you don't care anymore who's spying.

 

And yea... as far as her spying is concerned... I'd bet she's just nosy. It's very common for dumpers to wonder what their ex is up to. This is why NC can "work" to get a dumper at least potentially wondering about you. But it doesn't mean much beyond that. Selfish curiosity. She might just want to see what the guy she dumped is doing, it's something some people are curious about. But, don't worry about it. She's gonna do her thing whether you worry about it or not... just go on with your life, without her in it, and live normally. If that curiosity grows into something more months or years in the future, cross that bridge when you come to it. If that situation hypothetically presents itself someday, you're only chance in hell at reconciliation is if you are completely over her and completely clear-headed.

 

"Remember, THEY made the decision to cut you completely from their life. They have *NO* right to know about you. THEY made that decision." -Altair0770, 2017

 

Just let her wonder for as long as she wants. Let her wonder until she's blue in the face. You stop wondering about her. I know it's hard, firsthand. Trust me. I know you are in that "worse before it gets better" hump because I was there, very recently. I feel ya man. But right now I think the best thing you can do is train yourself to not give a damn what she's thinking or what her current motives are.

 

It's been better the past few days. Just had a small bump of depression, I actually feel really good right now. Went out with some female friends and had a good time, and my ex didn't cross my mind. The drive home consisted of me knowing I wouldn't get to do many things I enjoy if I was with my ex.

 

I also honestly believe her decision is so much worse for her than it is for me. I get to live a life without stress. Unfortunately for her, and I doubt she realizes, is that PTSD doesn't have a cure, and after researching to help her, I often looked at how to be a caretaker or spouse with someone with PTSD. It's not a fun life, and most people can't stand it too long. I feel very unfortunate for people with PTSD, because it is not their fault they have it. But what I can't stand is the narcissism. The "If you need to go away for awhile that's FINE" as if my whole life is dedicated to being there for her.

 

People that have PTSD, despite the triggers, often appreciate the ones taking care of them. They know how much stress they put on their caretakers. My ex? She used someone for "therapy" after initially dumping me. When I came back into the picture, she never spoke a word to that person the entire time I was there. When I disappeared again she went straight back to that bitch. When that bitch tried scolding me, I had none of it and blocked her out of my life as well.

 

I do feel empathetic for my ex. She had the golden ticket to happiness and tore it up. But ultimately, as you quoted, it was her choice no matter how hard I fought to keep the relationship alive. To keep our dreams alive. And each passing day I realize more and more I do not want to be with someone that would rather let me permanently leave her life rather than work on our problems.

 

Welp, I do actually think she expects me to reach out. Keep on wasting time. Aint happening. Enjoy more therapy by the flying monkey bitch

[Altair0770]

I sense she's trying to play mind games. Obviously working but don't have much effect on me at all, except making me post this. Okay I lie. It makes me want to scream at her to just stop this BS and if she's not over it then to just accept reality that I'm never going to reach out again. But the more she does ****, the easier it is to block her out of everything.

[whatdeww18]

Jamili's posts are pretty much what should be done. (I can see the progression and healing that has been happening, and it's great Jamili!)

 

Altair, I wanted to say a little something as I have noticed a trend in your posts. Your posts continue to reflect how you think about how your actions affect your ex, whether they are past or present actions, it's there. I believe this is where everyone advocates to be selfish and forget what your ex thinks. You've said this before, in which Jamili quoted, that an ex who breaks up with you deserves to know nothing.

 

Along those same lines, you must also slowly turn all that energy/thoughts towards yourself. Believe that you are that golden ticket. Someone will see your value through and through. Before that, just really heal. I'm not that knowledgeable about relationships, but I've been there before. Some say it's to disconnect from the pair bond, the attachment we've grown to our ex's, or whatever else experts say.

 

Your progress so far is evident, and I applaud you . Keep it going. I think you knew all of this/it is a summary of things already said. However, healing isn't linear reflecting the circular thought processes during break ups. So, just a little reminder and to focus less on her. Write about how you feel, get the emotions out, and do everything for you.

 

Wishing you the best

[Altair0770]

Jamili's posts are pretty much what should be done. (I can see the progression and healing that has been happening, and it's great Jamili!)

 

Altair, I wanted to say a little something as I have noticed a trend in your posts. Your posts continue to reflect how you think about how your actions affect your ex, whether they are past or present actions, it's there. I believe this is where everyone advocates to be selfish and forget what your ex thinks. You've said this before, in which Jamili quoted, that an ex who breaks up with you deserves to know nothing.

 

Along those same lines, you must also slowly turn all that energy/thoughts towards yourself. Believe that you are that golden ticket. Someone will see your value through and through. Before that, just really heal. I'm not that knowledgeable about relationships, but I've been there before. Some say it's to disconnect from the pair bond, the attachment we've grown to our ex's, or whatever else experts say.

 

Your progress so far is evident, and I applaud you . Keep it going. I think you knew all of this/it is a summary of things already said. However, healing isn't linear reflecting the circular thought processes during break ups. So, just a little reminder and to focus less on her. Write about how you feel, get the emotions out, and do everything for you.

 

Wishing you the best

 

Thank you! I hit a low point on like Wednesday or Thursday. I knew it was false hope when I heard she was single and spying on me daily through social media. Maybe I was expecting a reach out, knowing it wouldn't even come. Now she's trying to get my attention through other means. I think she's starting to realize I'm not coming back, and is trying to find ways to mess with my mind so I do.

 

It's actually funny. It has the opposite effect and raises my confidence. That someone that dated me purely for ego is starting to realize the gem she lost. It's helped me let go.

 

It's hard to realize you aren't thinking about your ex, because obviously you aren't even thinking about that, but lately it seems it has been less and less. This weekend had a lot of "ups" and I had to remind myself why I wasn't in a good state (which is stupid I know, but its what happens). I had a lot of fun and enjoyed myself.

 

As far as other people, I'm no where near to date and wouldn't want to use anyone as a rebound. I still have some feelings for my ex. In fact one of the times I did think about her is what happened to her that led up to the PTSD, and remembering how terrified she was after the trip there. I'm empathetic, what can I say? Although my ex is a huge narcissist, and has no idea how much abuse she put me through, I still feel horrible for her. I know she'll live a very stressful life out of her control. Having a panic disorder can't be fun, and it doesn't heal overnight, if ever. At least I know she's getting a lot better. I'm not going to take credit for that, she has to do it herself, but I'm glad to have taken a role in her recovery. She wouldn't have gone if I just let her walk over me, which I allowed more than enough of.

 

Unfortunately I just need to keep my mind on the fact she is a narcissists, and there's no returning to the actual person I fell in love with. Even seeing her in different lenses turned off attraction, and I know I'd be doing her a favor and myself a disservice if I were to ever be in a relationship with her again.

[jamili]

I think she's starting to realize I'm not coming back, and is trying to find ways to mess with my mind so I do.

 

It's actually funny. It has the opposite effect and raises my confidence. That someone that dated me purely for ego is starting to realize the gem she lost. It's helped me let go..

 

 

Ive been there and let me tell you man, you gotta stop thinking like this. Everything you think she is thinking is all in your head. This sounds harsh but its the truth.

 

She very likely ISNT trying to mess with your head to make you want to come back. She very likely ISNT starting to realize what she lost. She very likely doesnt give a rat's a$$ about you, other than random meaningless detached curiousity.

 

You must understand this. This is your ego telling you that it is something more. Its just as likely that it all means NOTHING and that she's very very happy with her decision and is just spying on you for selfish curiousity and NOT a single thought about missing you or how great you were passes through her mind.

 

The only way you are going to be able to truly let go is when you finally grasp the probable reality that shes 10x happier without you and doesnt care about you in the way you think she might.

 

I know its HARD to believe that, trust me!!! But if she really felt the way you think she is feeling... she would not let you go!!!! Women dont let "Mr. Right" just walk away like that. She would fighting tooth and nail to get you back if she was truly realizing "what she lost".

 

I dont think she wants you back, or that she sees what she lost or that she misses being with you to the extent that you believe. I really think its DETACHED curiousity, like watching an anthill to see what the ants are doing. As soon as you accept that, whether its true or not, you will be one step closer to moving on. You wont ever move on if in your head you are convincing yourself "Yea she's spying on me so shes totally regretting and seeing what she lost. She's going to be miserable because she threw this away etc etc etc.". That is probably NOT whats happening and, until and IF she comes back to you admitting those feelings, assume its not the case.

 

She broke up with you simply because she didnt want to be with you anymore, she didnt see your value, and nothing has changed because she hasnt told it that it has. That, my friend, is what you should tell yourself to help you move on, instead of focusing on whether or not she was a narcissist and PTSD and all that. She didnt want to be with you, period, and you not want to dwell on some girl who doesn't want to be with you.

[Altair0770]

I'd agree with that, if you guys knew the entire story that isn't really describable in words. I get your point though.

 

The logic is taking over. I don't pin on if she misses me or not. Nor do I really care. It's just a confidence boost at her attempts.

[Altair0770]

So a bit of an update. My ex has put herself more in my path and honestly it's doing me huge favors.

 

She got rejected by the person she rejected me for, and that has completely made me lose any anger. I guess I was jealous.

 

Maybe it's because everything I knew would happen, is happening. I knew her relationship wouldn't last, and I knew she was spying on me. Her attempts have actually pushed me away. I don't want a manipulative person as my love. If she can't work up the courage to reach out, and has to do whatever she can to try to make me reach out, then that's not the person for me.

 

I don't want manipulation. I don't want mind games. I don't want this "love's a game" bull****. I want to love, and be loved.

 

I've got a date this weekend. Hope it goes well.

 

Keep up the NC folks. It works You either get over the person, they start trying to manipulate you and it speeds up your recovery, or they come crawling back.

 

I suspect she may eventually. I was so good to her, and now that I'm gone, she's alone, she's starting to realize that. OR she has some other agenda. Either way, it's been long enough NC that I can see other girls and be attracted to them. It's been long enough that I can see a pretty picture of my ex and it does nothing.

 

I feel very indifferent. Hopefully this isn't temporary. Would I still take back my ex if she came back? Maybe. But each day I'm leaning more towards no. Logically she's terrible for me. Emotionally? It's fading.

[Sweetfish]

She got rejected by the person she rejected me for, and that has completely made me lose any anger. I guess I was jealous.

 

 

 

IM going to RE-QUOTE what I said prior

 

 

But it all depends with the age brackets what is required, because women constantly change as they progress thru life and men tend to be linear because require so little from women.

 

This makes many men have to walk on eggshells or confused.

 

Most of the break-up here have one major commonality. The dumper suffered from low self esteem at the start of the relationship and eventually the dumpee did enough to build the self-esteem of the dumper and ejected the dumpee for a stronger dosage of external validation.

 

Again and I will say it loud and clear. Avoid MEN AND WOMEN with low self esteem. If that's your fix.. that is on you.

 

Seen too many men offer the world to these girls and become disposal because of this low self esteem. Her feelings 9 out 10 times will triumph your loyalty and respect. Have low self esteem? fix it and then get into a relationship. What so hard about that?

[GeekLover]

I feel very indifferent. Hopefully this isn't temporary. Would I still take back my ex if she came back? Maybe. But each day I'm leaning more towards no. Logically she's terrible for me. Emotionally? It's fading.

 

This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Well...maybe not indifferent, but I am beginning to sense the possibility of feeling that way eventually, whereas months ago, I never thought I'd get there. Like you, my emotions are fading...in fact, they are gone and have been replaced with bitterness, anger, resentment, and pity.

 

I ask myself often if he were to come crawling back, whether I'd take him back, and I really don't know the answer. Now? Probably not. It has become SO clear to me how important it is to rediscover yourself and learn to love yourself after a LTR and painful split. I'm working on me now...and I can almost guarantee he is not doing the same.

 

The rose tinted glasses are off and I see him differently now. He would need to work on so many of his own issues, but I don't think he would. His answer is to cover them up, jump into a new relationship, and hope she can love him so he doesn't have to do it himself.

 

In the future? I still don't know. This is the second time he's let me go. I doubt I'd give him a third chance with me. I'd be stupid to do that. If he ever wanders back, by that time I will already be gone.

[Altair0770]

IM going to RE-QUOTE what I said prior

 

You called it

[Altair0770]

This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Well...maybe not indifferent, but I am beginning to sense the possibility of feeling that way eventually, whereas months ago, I never thought I'd get there. Like you, my emotions are fading...in fact, they are gone and have been replaced with bitterness, anger, resentment, and pity.

 

I ask myself often if he were to come crawling back, whether I'd take him back, and I really don't know the answer. Now? Probably not. It has become SO clear to me how important it is to rediscover yourself and learn to love yourself after a LTR and painful split. I'm working on me now...and I can almost guarantee he is not doing the same.

 

The rose tinted glasses are off and I see him differently now. He would need to work on so many of his own issues, but I don't think he would. His answer is to cover them up, jump into a new relationship, and hope she can love him so he doesn't have to do it himself.

 

In the future? I still don't know. This is the second time he's let me go. I doubt I'd give him a third chance with me. I'd be stupid to do that. If he ever wanders back, by that time I will already be gone.

 

The anger, bitterness, pity and stuff is the last phase I just ended. Do I still wish me and my ex could have made things work? Of course. I wish she would realize how happy she has always been with me. How I was her anchor. But she wanted someone else, and got rejected. And that will continue to happen to her, and I will continue to heal.

 

It's a tough battle. I never thought I'd get here. And I do still think about her a lot. But I also know I can be happy again, with someone else.

[Chilli]

Altair , how old are you ? Have you ever had a real relationship or been married for 20yrs and gone through a divorce, broken families, lost everything, have children and lived with what they go through in this or been a father trying to be a father after a divorce ?

 

l think you said at the start you'd never met her but in your other thread you say you did meet.

 

Mate if you've had all of the above or something like and are of that kinda age then yeah you could just say some stuff but coming onto a forum to people of far far more serious real situations of every kind or often with 20 or 30yrs of marriage and children and property at stake with a list like that of instructions with no experience is pretty damn dangerous.

 

Many marriages reconcile and there's about a million ways that happens and it's often through communication and staying in touch, l know because l have 4 or 5 couple friends that have remarried or reconciled and put their family back together.

And everyone of them were still in each others lives in one way or another , far far far from the infamous NC stuff.

And l've been through it myself , we talk all the time, treat each other with respect and work together for my daughter and she's about the most happiest well adjusted divorced family kid l've ever seen, and that's why.

Edited May 27, 2017 by Chilli

[Bromeo]

Altair , how old are you ? Have you ever had a real relationship or been married for 20yrs and gone through a divorce, broken families, lost everything, have children and lived with what they go through in this or been a father trying to be a father after a divorce ?

 

l think you said at the start you'd never met her but in your other thread you say you did meet.

 

Mate if you've had all of the above or something like and are of that kinda age then yeah you could just say some stuff but coming onto a forum to people of far far more serious real situations of every kind or often with 20 or 30yrs of marriage and children and property at stake with a list like that of instructions with no experience is pretty damn dangerous.

 

Many marriages reconcile and there's about a million ways that happens and it's often through communication and staying in touch, l know because l have 4 or 5 couple friends that have remarried or reconciled and put their family back together.

And everyone of them were still in each others lives in one way or another , far far far from the infamous NC stuff.

And l've been through it myself , we talk all the time, treat each other with respect and work together for my daughter and she's about the most happiest well adjusted divorced family kid l've ever seen, and that's why.

 

I don't think anyone is trying to compare themselves to the other members here. If you keep in contact with your ex and that works for you, honestly I'm envious. I didn't come to this forum because I had an amicable split, I did because it was confusing, and painful as hell.

 

You are right about reconciliations, they take communication and work on both parties. However, we don't see those here due to not needing the support at that point. Therefore, the data is skewed.

 

Everyone heals and processes in their own way. Some are angry, others depressed, and some like me needed to vent. People are free to offer counsel, and the recipient can disregard at any point if they choose.

 

I would offer you the same counsel you just gave the op, be careful in comparing his or yours to others, as each situation is individual. My breakup after a decade together was less painful than my last breakup - and we were only together shy of two years. Emotions cannot be tracked on any measurable scale.

 

If Altair is caught up in anger, sadness or needs to vent, that's on him. I for one understand.

 

My .02

[Altair0770]

Comparing breakups is ridiculous. Just because a majority of my relationship was online, doesn't mean that it didn't mean anything. In no way am I comparing my situation to anyone else. I know people have had LTR. Mine was 5 months online, 3 days in person. One thing that makes my breakup difficult to me was the way it happened. She is a narcissist and has PTSD. I loved her after getting to know her personality, but as most online relationships start up, there are many things hidden. Her having PTSD is something I should have known, but I didn't.

 

Having someone break down into terror and complete panic because they are thrown back into a terrible memory that will forever haunt their life is traumatizing in it's own way, especially when you were the reason.

 

As I stated in the OP, there are stages in which we as dumpees go through. Same with dumpers. One of those, for both, is anger. In my situation, I felt extreme empathy for my ex. I still do. I know she's struggling just as much as I am, but she cannot offer more than friendship, and I cannot offer less than a relationship. She thinks it's in malice, but no. I don't want to hurt her at all. It's because I want to heal. I got past the anger (ironically when I heard she was single. It did give me a sliver of false hope, but I'm back to being happy and accepting reality).

 

This thread was made for a discussion, which is why it has 19+ pages of content for people to view. There is always room for discussion.

 

If you have reconciliation stories of sticking around your ex then that's awesome. I would absolutely LOVE to hear them. However, I do personally believe, as I've experienced not only personally, but seeing others do it, that if the dumper believes they made the right choice, they will have no problem using the dumpee as a shoulder to cry on, a self esteem boost, or a really close friend. That is what my ex wants, but unfortunately I cannot provide that without the cost of my own happiness, and she has to live with her decision. She has to make the decision of which is better - me walking away permanently, or her realizing that, despite being triggered by her PTSD, she can be very happy with me. But so far, she's made the decision to let me walk away permanently.

 

You are free to discuss other strategies to recovering from a breakup. That's the point of this thread. However, many places I see is that NC is the best way to go. If you want to reconcile, BOTH people have to have that want. And unfortunately, one of the best ways to make people realize that they want to reconcile is to go different ways for awhile.