"Everything you need to know about exes" - let's discuss

[Chilli]

Oh God no ,l'm not counseling anyone or do l want too, not even with my unfortunately, experience , that's my point. And the few times l do chuck in my 2c worth on anyone's thread is if on the rare occasion l think l might be able to help in some small way .

 

The threads a great idea l reckon and with so much input from all types of people and situations all through is what we really need but the list of instructions at the start would really only wanna be coming from an expert is all l'm saying because all types of people from all types of situations will read it.

 

ps , it's actually still not easy being like that with my ex but it's for my daughter and the best advise by child experts in the field and, it really really pays off. lt's also common sense when kids are involved.

l do think personally though regardless l'd still rather be on some sort of reasonable level with the mother of my children and the women l spent 19 yrs of my life with , to me otherwise or would be just plain sad , but hey , that's me.

Edited May 27, 2017 by Chilli

[Ronnys93]

Altair , how old are you ? Have you ever had a real relationship or been married for 20yrs and gone through a divorce, broken families, lost everything, have children and lived with what they go through in this or been a father trying to be a father after a divorce ?

 

l think you said at the start you'd never met her but in your other thread you say you did meet.

 

Mate if you've had all of the above or something like and are of that kinda age then yeah you could just say some stuff but coming onto a forum to people of far far more serious real situations of every kind or often with 20 or 30yrs of marriage and children and property at stake with a list like that of instructions with no experience is pretty damn dangerous.

 

Many marriages reconcile and there's about a million ways that happens and it's often through communication and staying in touch, l know because l have 4 or 5 couple friends that have remarried or reconciled and put their family back together.

And everyone of them were still in each others lives in one way or another , far far far from the infamous NC stuff.

And l've been through it myself , we talk all the time, treat each other with respect and work together for my daughter and she's about the most happiest well adjusted divorced family kid l've ever seen, and that's why.

 

NC is mainly for those that are so hurt by the breakups that they need time and space away to heal. It's not really for reconciliation.

 

I had a variation of limited contact with my ex who I met off of the internet and TO ME it was a very real relationship. We met up as well, but things at that moment didn't work.

 

Children definitely do complicate situations and being married as well, but that doesn't invalidate Altair's feelings and what he's gone through just because it isn't the same as those other situations you mentioned. Please be mindful that everyone deals with breakups differently.

 

 

 

 

As for my situation, it's almost been three months of the break up. Me and my ex are still in contact for the most part and I feel GREAT. I actually feel like I don't need to be with him as a partner, we were always good friends to begin with and I'm glad that I can still say he's my friend now. I don't long for a relationship with him as much anymore, I am open to the possibility, but that would have to be done on his part. I can't force that on him, nor am I expecting it. I definitely wouldn't dare jump back into a relationship with him if he asked me right now. I've learned my lesson for sure.

 

I've said it before but I appreciate this thread so much because it has given me an outlet to express the ups and downs of my breakup. Also to see other people's progress in here really pushes me as well!

[Uglyonenicy]

Very well written OP.

 

I haven't read through all the responses and don't know if anyone else raised it but there are quite a few situations where the dumpee should break NC and shouldn't wait on the dumper.

 

Thing is the dumpee in some cases deserves to be dumped because they have maybe for instance, walked all over a decent/fantastic person and the dumper has gained back some respect by deciding not to take any more of the bad behavior... I think in such cases, a serious minded dumpee who truly believes they messed it up with the best woman/man, will need to suck it up, cut out the bad acts and take a hit by reaching out to the dumper.

 

This may or not work depending on how far the dumper has gone or if the dumpee has not made any progress in reevaluating their life. I fear a lot of dumpees/dumpers on the wrong side (all depending on what parameters they are judged on), justify NC with the flat rule and miss out on fixing something they broke before the actual break up and not seeing there are exceptions to all rules.

 

Great thread.

[Ronnys93]

I do think sometimes the dumpee needs to apologize and make amends to make things right. We often assume on here that the dumpee is the one without problems and the dumper is the one who is bad, but that's not always the case. It is best to wait a bit though until you've done some work on yourself or know the exact reason for why you are trying to make amends. (sometimes we think we know what hurt the person but we don't). And by fixing that doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation but it can mean mending hurt feelings due to whatever circumstance occured.

[Altair0770]

It's been awhile folks, and I've been great.

 

Still not over my ex, but I think about her a lot less.

 

I decided to challenge myself to see how far I've come. I don't recommend it, but I "broke NC" and looked at her Twitter as she's been looking at mine. I do think if there is ever a chance at reconciliation, I would need to reach out. She thinks me going NC is an attack on her, and not a reason to heal.

 

But I don't know if I want to. If she rejects me, well, I've gotten that answer twice and have accepted it. I'd like more time to just heal, and fully get over it.

 

It's been now 4 months since I've spoken to her. Around this time, hurt starts to fade.

 

But one thing I learned is playing the game is bull****.

 

I want love in which one person can be openly say "I love you" without having to play any games. I don't want to have to play "hard to get" or whatever to get someone to love me. That's crap, even if it works.

 

But, I see the light at the end of the tunnel at want to grab on, and don't want to risk any feelings coming back. I've read too many stories on here of people that have contacted their ex after YEARS of NC and instantly develop some feelings, or feel sad. I don't want to risk that at all.

 

I can look back at this relationship and look at what I did in it. Not what the outcome was. I was always supportive for her. I was always there for her. I never once made fun of her or was rude to her, or scolded her. It was simply the situation of her not being ready at all, and was way over her head. It's hard to NOT blame her for doing what she did. I do still hold some blame, but what she did is very common for a young girl with a troubled past.

 

I do think, based on what I saw, she did end up getting rejected for the person she rejected me for. I didn't laugh. I want to. I'd love to burst into laughter. But that's not who I am, and I don't feel anything but empathy for her. But I'm not a pushover. I definitely deserve to be someone's plan A, and I don't think I could ever really trust someone that so easily was able to reject me for an unsure future with someone else. She had no idea if that other guy had similar feelings, and was able to let me walk out of her life permanently for a chance with someone that didn't share similar feelings for her.

 

If I truly imagined a future with her. Where we did get back together and had a healthy relationship, I do think she would dump me all over again when someone that doesn't know her starts to flirt with her because of her looks, since her illness is well hidden until you've experienced it.

 

I have debated sending her an email in a few weeks, seeing as I've only been getting better and better, and have been hanging out with other girls with a few flirts here and there. Just an email to explain that it's not that I don't want to be friends, it's that I can't be, as I do not wish for dead feelings to be revived when she's not interested. It's okay to open lines of communication, but friendship is not an option. I don't think I want to continue my life permanently with her thinking I absolutely despise her. I'm well passed those feelings.

 

At this point I only really feel empathy, pity, and guilt. The guilt being that I know she wanted me so badly in her life, and I just left. But then again, I remember this is 100% her decision. It's also hard to move on knowing it's unlikely she will find someone that's good for her where she's looking.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thank you OP for your post.

I did a bad thing and contacted my ex.

Found your post and after reading it I feel much better! And will do better.

I love the humor in it. Really helps to pick up the mood for us dumpee's.

[Altair0770]

Can't find my old thread, but wanted to add something to this one that helped me a lot.

 

 

The best way to prove to an ex that you deserve a second chance is based on what you did in the relationship, not after. This goes for them as well

[trustyourself]

 

 

The best way to prove to an ex that you deserve a second chance is based on what you did in the relationship, not after. This goes for them as well

 

Hey Altair, I am glad you are doing well. You helped me in my thread and wanted to say thank you.

 

I went NC and she eventually came back, but after she told her parents we were talking again, they forbade her to see me. She didnt want to cause conflict with her parents (who she lives with) and didnt want to lie to them, so she broke it off.

 

I guess its over, but do you think she will be back?

 

I know that its not the right idea to think about that, but I am curious on what your thoughts are when her family is the main reason for ending i (again).

[magnesium]

Hey Altair, I am glad you are doing well. You helped me in my thread and wanted to say thank you.

 

I went NC and she eventually came back, but after she told her parents we were talking again, they forbade her to see me. She didnt want to cause conflict with her parents (who she lives with) and didnt want to lie to them, so she broke it off.

 

I guess its over, but do you think she will be back?

 

I know that its not the right idea to think about that, but I am curious on what your thoughts are when her family is the main reason for ending i (again).

 

Hello chap.

 

Pardon for asking a question, but I'm wondering if you asked these questions to yourself:

 

Are you 100% sure this girl's parents have forbidden her from talking to you?

Are you absolutely positive you aren't being told a lie/ half-truth/lie of omission?

Do you trust what this girl says to her parents about you?

 

Because it sounds like she took you for a ride. I sincerely doubt her family was the reason the first time.

Edited July 11, 2017 by magnesium

[trustyourself]

Hello chap.

 

Pardon for asking a question, but I'm wondering if you asked these questions to yourself:

 

Are you 100% sure this girl's parents have forbidden her from talking to you?

Are you absolutely positive you aren't being told a lie/ half-truth/lie of omission?

Do you trust what this girl says to her parents about you?

 

Because it sounds like she took you for a ride. I sincerely doubt her family was the reason the first time.

 

Hey Magnesium,

 

Our previous break up was very messy. We argued several times on the phone, and she was screaming at me, which her parents heard and were not impressed. They told her I was bad for her if I could make her freak out like that.

 

I did all the wrong things and tried to make her reconsider after she broke it off, and then i did a 180 and went NC. She would text me once every couple of months, until she recently called me and said she wanted to try again.

 

When her parents found out we were talking/seeing each other again, I guess they were not impressed and told her in no uncertain terms that she must not see me. Of course, this is what she is telling me, but it was fairly honest, so I do think it is part of it at least.

 

I have no idea what she told her parents after the last break up. But I am sure they think its all my fault and I am no good for her.

 

I think its a combination of her parents opinion, the fact she does not want to sneak around behind their backs, and that she valued their opinion and started having doubts about wether we could make it work. In fact she told me it was a combination of these things.

 

Is she lying? Maybe. I guess I will never know. It's fine, I have to accept her decision, and if she does not want to try due to external influences, then that is that. But everyone I talk to say she will be back eventually, and I was just curious to get an opinion on if this can be overcome, or if this second chance was messed up by external parties.

 

 

either way, I am back to NC and removed her from social medias etc.

 

I am of the mindset that this was the final nail in the coffin.

 

P.S She maybe took me for a ride But her family was not the reason for breaking up the first time. Only when we tried to give it a second go.

Edited July 11, 2017 by trustyourself
added P.S:

[Mcbeast]

wow this is an awesome post.

 

I got dumped 2 days ago after being with my ex for 5 years.

 

I am trying to do NC but i admit the first night I was trying to call her and contact her like crazy.

 

I want to get her out of my mind and try to just get over this but I also just wait everyday for her to call me crying wishing she had not done this.

 

I know that it is not healthy for me to think this way but it seems to be the only thing getting me through the days,