"Everything you need to know about exes" - let's discuss

[Altair0770]

I can't relate to this enough.

 

My ex dumped me, we reconciled (after a couple month she sent an "I miss you and Im sorry" text to which I replied) and a few months after she dumped me again.

 

When we reconciled I was happier, but then my circumstances changed (for the worse) and I started to get paranoid that we were slipping back to how we were before. I began walking on the eggshells you mentioned, which only made it worse. It wasn't because I wasn't sure what she was doing, it was because I knew she broke up with me before so she could easily do it again. Turns out thas what happened.

 

Being a second time dumpee I have less trust and more eggshells than before. But as she came back before I also harbour hopes that her feelings are strong enough that she'll come back again.

 

For this to happen my circumstances need to be better, I need to be in a more stable and happier condition. Im doing it as much for me as any potential future partner.

 

You said that your ex has that cheating mentality, is that what caused you to break up? If so then perhaps, if your ex didn't have that mentality and was a nicer person, you might feel differently about breadcrumbs and reconciliation?

 

Na, our breakup was very... different. You can click on my profile to get the long version.

 

Met her online. We both fell head over heels for each other. She was timid about meeting, but we got far enough that she wanted to. Went to visit her, everything seemed perfect. Night time hit and I became a trigger to PTSD that she didn't tell me about (and I didn't do anything remotely close to what caused her to have PTSD, so yeah...). I don't blame her for having PTSD, because it bothers me that what happened to her actually quite frequently happens.

 

For 3 months, back to spending time together online in a big gaming community, she treated me like crap. Ran to other dudes to feel better. None that she was romantically interested in, but still, she avoided all communication about what the problems were. Eventually she broke it off when I told her to get her ass to therapy rather than saying she wants to make it work but isn't showing any effort in making it work. Before she went I asked if I was a goal and her answer was no. I went NC immediately after for 2 months. Didn't follow my own advice. Knew she was doing much worse than me. I came back and made her so happy. We talked for hours, and I made her feel so great.

 

When we were together, I told her I'd wait for her while she goes to therapy. She said "I know you will, but will you really wait 2-3 years?" After 2 months, and 1 month of making her happy, she starts talking to a different dude online.

 

I'd trust a suicide bomber sitting next to me on a plane more than I'd trust this woman. Plus, I can't stand the narcissistic attitude, lies, all that crap. I'm using NC to get over her. Luckily I have no feelings for her except complete anger for how she treated me. If she sent me breadcrumbs I'd tell her to go **** herself and leave me alone forever. The way she treated me was much worse than the way she was treated that developed her PTSD. Oh, and she never told me what the issue was until about 3 days before dumping me. I kind of figured it was PTSD and had to get the answer out of her. Other folks I know that have bad PTSD told me it was the most immature thing they've ever witnessed that she didn't tell me what the issue was. If I were together with her, I'd be walking on eggshells not to trigger her and also on eggshells of trying to trust anything she says.

[Dandannydandan]

Na, our breakup was very... different. You can click on my profile to get the long version.

 

Met her online. We both fell head over heels for each other. She was timid about meeting, but we got far enough that she wanted to. Went to visit her, everything seemed perfect. Night time hit and I became a trigger to PTSD that she didn't tell me about (and I didn't do anything remotely close to what caused her to have PTSD, so yeah...). I don't blame her for having PTSD, because it bothers me that what happened to her actually quite frequently happens.

 

For 3 months, back to spending time together online in a big gaming community, she treated me like crap. Ran to other dudes to feel better. None that she was romantically interested in, but still, she avoided all communication about what the problems were. Eventually she broke it off when I told her to get her ass to therapy rather than saying she wants to make it work but isn't showing any effort in making it work. Before she went I asked if I was a goal and her answer was no. I went NC immediately after for 2 months. Didn't follow my own advice. Knew she was doing much worse than me. I came back and made her so happy. We talked for hours, and I made her feel so great.

 

When we were together, I told her I'd wait for her while she goes to therapy. She said "I know you will, but will you really wait 2-3 years?" After 2 months, and 1 month of making her happy, she starts talking to a different dude online.

 

I'd trust a suicide bomber sitting next to me on a plane more than I'd trust this woman. Plus, I can't stand the narcissistic attitude, lies, all that crap. I'm using NC to get over her. Luckily I have no feelings for her except complete anger for how she treated me. If she sent me breadcrumbs I'd tell her to go **** herself and leave me alone forever. The way she treated me was much worse than the way she was treated that developed her PTSD. Oh, and she never told me what the issue was until about 3 days before dumping me. I kind of figured it was PTSD and had to get the answer out of her. Other folks I know that have bad PTSD told me it was the most immature thing they've ever witnessed that she didn't tell me what the issue was. If I were together with her, I'd be walking on eggshells not to trigger her and also on eggshells of trying to trust anything she says.

 

That's rough! I can definately see your perspective of NC, breadcrumbs and reconciliation based on your ex experience. I wouldn't wish for reconciliation or would trust either.

 

My ex is the other end of the scale, of the kindest, sweetest, considerate mould, and that's probably why my perspective differs. Our problem was lack of communication, we avoided confrontation like the plague (hence she ended it over text) and never properly voiced our concerns or insecurities until it was too late.

[Altair0770]

That was my main issue. Communication. All I got was "I don't want to talk about it" and then was treated like **** in front of a community I built and ran. But it's fine. I'm happy. I'm successful. And I'm the better person by far. If she wants to live in a fantasy world behind a computer screen hurting people, then more power to her. Eventually she'll realize that people won't give a damn at all if she's literally crying for attention. Only person that'll be there is her clingy mother (hence why she's a narcissist. Princess syndrome).

 

Trust me, your ex wasn't as perfect as you see. You miss her, which is why you think she's so sweet. I'm sure there were times where she was a demon.

[Dandannydandan]

Trust me, your ex wasn't as perfect as you see. You miss her, which is why you think she's so sweet. I'm sure there were times where she was a demon.

 

That's the thing, she was never a demon. The only bad thing about her was that she was too nice and put everyone else's needs before her own. With her ex she took out loans for pay for holiday's and everything for them (he was a tight ass), and as a result she rarely had money to be able to do things we wanted to do as she was paying them off.

 

Other than that the only bad thing (that I keep going back to) is the **** way she handled the breakup second time around (over text, no face-to-face and 2 days before I was getting cancer results).

Edited April 9, 2017 by Dandannydandan

[jamili]

In my fury of typing this massive thread all in one sit down, I did indeed miss one key thing.

 

IMO, breadcrumbs should be ignored within at least the first month.

 

After a few months, I'd go by your feelings and reaction to getting the text/message. Personally I'd ignore the first attempts directly after. Even if the breakup lasts a day, it's a MASSIVE hit to the emotions of the dumpee, and all trust goes flying out the window. Simply put, even if the dumper regrets immediately, the dumpee may need some time.

 

I know me being dumped, I lost all trust I had in my ex. Even if she came back, and I decided to take her back, I would feel like I'm walking on egg shells just because I have no idea what she's doing behind my back. She's got that cheating mentality.

 

I'd go based on time since breakup and emotions you may have towards your ex. If you aren't indifferent, you should probably ignore.

 

My dumper would contact me about once a month for logistics stuff, to which I responded indifferently (although I didn't feel indifferent at that time). She would then disappear as soon as I would answer.

 

There was then a 2 month window where I got nothing.

 

Then, a couple months ago (the 4 months mark) I got some breadcrumbs that weren't "logistical" in nature, they were asking about me, and asking about my job. They were different than the other ones she sent previous (previously: "you got X in the mail FYI"). I ignored it for about 1.5 weeks, gathered my thoughts... and then finally responded with an indifferent, straight to the point text, briefly answering her question. I got NO response, or anything. I waited 48 hours.

 

So that's when I sent a longish one (not a great idea) and told her I'm very confused by her communication, since she demanded we not be in contact after breaking up (she initated NC on me, as like some sort of "sentencing" after we broke up). And I went on to tell her if there is some meaning behind the contact, please let me know. If not, then I am not interested in idle chit-chat, and I asked that she respect that going forward. The message I sent was firm, and assertive... but polite and civil. I tried to be diplomatic, but at the same time set some boundaries and let her know that contacting me for small talk was NOT ok.

 

Still got nothing back.

 

I think I very indirectly insinuated she was a hypocrit when I called her out for breaking the NC she demanded we keep.... which in retrospect was a bad idea. What made this whole thing super complicated is that the reason she dumped me, is because she thought I kept in contact with an exes. She believes that any contact with an ex to be SACRILEGE. The whole breakup was caused by her disbelieving my claim that I do, in fact, set boundaries and make a clean break from my exes... which she REFUSED to believe and lost all trust in me. So, in the back of my mind, if I didn't set some kind of boundary, I would be flat-out proving her theory, and in a way validating the reason she chose the end the relationship. Although... that might not have been the case at all.. and I may have just pushed her away further by throwing up boundaries and being overly-assertive after one non-logistical breadcrumb....

Edited April 9, 2017 by jamili

[Goodguy05]

This is a great guide and makes me want a sandwich . One item I always question is to not respond to anything short of "I want you back".

 

Most dumpers, if they reach that stage, won't have enough confidence to make themselves that vulnerable. Most will dip a toe in the water because they are scared *****less of rejection (read a recent thread about a female poster who was "cut to the bone" after being rejected by one guy she once asked out).

 

Women do not handle rejection well AT ALL. And, the fact is, most dumpers / divorcers are women. Women dump most of the time....FACT. Many have never actually been dumped themselves - I've met / dated many who were always the dumpers.

 

So I think it's important that you take into account the aversion to rejection that most women possess. That said, if a woman is typically terrified of being rejected, why would them coming back be any different?

 

Women are not as direct as guys as well. How many posts do you see here with a dude asking what she means by "I just need space", "It's not going to work, right now", "I love you but I'm not in love with you", ""I'm not sure where I'm able to be at this point in my life", etc, etc, etc.

 

I fully agree that most of the time they only want you for an ego boost or crutch. But women, just like they rarely go up to a guy and ask them out, are much more apprehensive to say "I made a huge mistake and I want you back". It's terrifying for them. Furthermore, their indirect approach would usually negate being so open - especially to an ex that they are not sure wants them (as they usually only come back once it's too late).

 

I tend to think that once a woman launches the nuke, there is no going back. You are either too hurt, don't trust them anymore, or are over them and have zero interest.

 

And through my extensive research and personal experience, you won't fully be over a woman until you find someone better. To use your analogy, you'll always be hungry until you get another sandwich. And you'll always miss the last sandwich until you find a better one. So get out there and start looking!

 

 

Yes this is true I don't trust woman at all seriously thinking going for shemales now lol. The above had been my experience as well and in most cases wen they leave they hav someone lined up. Makes me very nervous getting involved again wth one i just cannot trust them anymore

[SevenCity]

Yes this is true I don't trust woman at all seriously thinking going for shemales now lol. The above had been my experience as well and in most cases wen they leave they hav someone lined up. Makes me very nervous getting involved again wth one i just cannot trust them anymore

 

You have to keep your eyes open. But yes, it makes it very difficult to trust women in general after you've been through this again and again.

[Bromeo]

I tend to think that once a woman launches the nuke, there is no going back. You are either too hurt, don't trust them anymore, or are over them and have zero interest.

 

This right here. My ex would never say she was sorry or made a mistake. She isn't wired that way. It was perfectly acceptable to break into my house, or the host of other questionable post breakup actions taken on her part.

 

Which is precisely why it would take stepping outside of her comfort zone for me to think differently.

 

Until that time, watch me drop into "over you overdrive".

[spiderowl]

I think your item on remaining friends is really good. If you accept being a 'friend', you are there effectively supporting your ex while they experiment with other relationships. They have already demoted you once by splitting up so why allow them to demote you twice? They will not have any respect for you if you accept that. Also, they really need to find out that other relationships will not make up for missing you. How are they going to find out how much they miss you, how special you are, if you are always there for them no matter what?

 

Many years ago, I worked as a secretary. In that role, you are effectively 'mother in the kitchen'. You are there, people can fall back on you, they rely on you. You do a great job, you are excellent at what you do and they take you for granted. If, however, you decide one day 'I've had enough of being the one who does everything but gets little credit', then just try moving on. All hell will break loose. Literally everyone will conspire to prevent this happening. They feel they can't afford to lose you. This is because you are their security; you are mother in the kitchen, the one who is always there for them no matter what. If you decide to stay friends with your ex when you really love them, you are putting yourself in this role. Simply by taking yourself out of it you are showing them you are a different kind of person, someone not prepared to take a back seat. You will be surprised how revolutionary this can seem to those who take you for granted.

Edited April 9, 2017 by spiderowl

[Altair0770]

My dumper would contact me about once a month for logistics stuff, to which I responded indifferently (although I didn't feel indifferent at that time). She would then disappear as soon as I would answer.

 

There was then a 2 month window where I got nothing.

 

Then, a couple months ago (the 4 months mark) I got some breadcrumbs that weren't "logistical" in nature, they were asking about me, and asking about my job. They were different than the other ones she sent previous (previously: "you got X in the mail FYI"). I ignored it for about 1.5 weeks, gathered my thoughts... and then finally responded with an indifferent, straight to the point text, briefly answering her question. I got NO response, or anything. I waited 48 hours.

 

So that's when I sent a longish one (not a great idea) and told her I'm very confused by her communication, since she demanded we not be in contact after breaking up (she initated NC on me, as like some sort of "sentencing" after we broke up). And I went on to tell her if there is some meaning behind the contact, please let me know. If not, then I am not interested in idle chit-chat, and I asked that she respect that going forward. The message I sent was firm, and assertive... but polite and civil. I tried to be diplomatic, but at the same time set some boundaries and let her know that contacting me for small talk was NOT ok.

 

Still got nothing back.

 

I think I very indirectly insinuated she was a hypocrit when I called her out for breaking the NC she demanded we keep.... which in retrospect was a bad idea. What made this whole thing super complicated is that the reason she dumped me, is because she thought I kept in contact with an exes. She believes that any contact with an ex to be SACRILEGE. The whole breakup was caused by her disbelieving my claim that I do, in fact, set boundaries and make a clean break from my exes... which she REFUSED to believe and lost all trust in me. So, in the back of my mind, if I didn't set some kind of boundary, I would be flat-out proving her theory, and in a way validating the reason she chose the end the relationship. Although... that might not have been the case at all.. and I may have just pushed her away further by throwing up boundaries and being overly-assertive after one non-logistical breadcrumb....

 

From what I'm reading... 4 months after the breakup she started asking about you, and then you waited 1.5 weeks to respond? If you're going to respond to breadcrumbs you can't wait that long.

 

Seems she didn't respect your boundaries. Likely someone you don't want to be dating. I wouldn't. Everyone deserves to have some boundaries. And if they dumped you because they thought you'd stick around, don't. Don't respond to even logistic breadcrumbs.

[jamili]

From what I'm reading... 4 months after the breakup she started asking about you, and then you waited 1.5 weeks to respond? If you're going to respond to breadcrumbs you can't wait that long.

 

Seems she didn't respect your boundaries. Likely someone you don't want to be dating. I wouldn't. Everyone deserves to have some boundaries. And if they dumped you because they thought you'd stick around, don't. Don't respond to even logistic breadcrumbs.

 

Thanks for the input Altair. I realize in retrospect, the reason she probably didnt respond to my response and just let the discussion die is becsuse i didnt respond fast enough. Responding nearly 2 weeks later probably threw her for a loop, so she didnt write back right away. Part of me wonders if i had responded that day or in the very least the next day, if we would have started talking and gotten back together by now. Its a tough pill to swallow.

 

The thing about boundaries is that she accused me of having bad boundaries and outright told me that is the reason she broke up with me. She thinks my bad boundaries is the reason i kept in touch with my ex before her after that breakup. Though i didnt keep in touch with that ex in the way she's thinking, she's right about me having particularly poor boundaries in general, that part she nailed.

 

So, my firm statement for her to stop contacting me and respect my desire to avoid chitchat was honestly an attempt to convey the notion that i have changed and i now have stronger boundaries.

 

Call me paranoid but part of me was thinking she was "testing" me. The things she was texting me about, even the logistics things, were very easily discoverable on her own and she really did not need to ask me about them. Shes a very smart girl and her questions were very obviously an excuse to get me to respond. Mind you, responding to her is 100% exactly what she accused me of doing with my ex before her, and what i truthfully denied doing. She did not believe me. I do wonder if the 4 months of NC made her question her reason and tried to ellicit a response from me to confirm her theories.

 

To quote her, during the breakup " when an ex contact you, you should ignore them. They will keep contacting you if you keep responding. You bad boundaries with people and i cant be with someone with such poor boundaries".

 

Of course none of that happened with my ex before her, she was off base, but nevertheless i did struggle keeping NC when this one breadcrumbed me so the boundary claim is correct.

 

So, since i failed to ignore, i sent that as "proof" that i do, in fact, have boundaries. And that i dont, in fact, keep contact with my exes. See what im saying? It could have been a test. Reaching out randomly, 4 months later, with specific meaningless questions designed to ellicit a response... without first sending a "how are you" or an "i miss you" is suspicious, isnt it?

 

Of course, i could be wrong and maybe it was legit her way of trying to work her way back in... and i blew it by throwing a boundary in the face of someone while they were attempting to rebuild bridges. The contact she had with me isnt even in the same ball park as the contact she accused me of having with my former ex, so its not like its really the samw thing. In fact, the boundary might have been a bit extreme, idk. Is it extreme to have boundaries about your ex asking simple questionx 4 months after a breakup? Is that unreasonable to think that is crossing the line?

 

Its been 2 months since i set that boundary and she hasnt sent me a single breadcrumb. Shes respecting my request, at least, but im not sure it convinced her of anything because she sure as hell didnt come running back with an "i misjudged you im sorry i want you back!" So it probably is just over for good now :|

 

It did feel kind of good having been dumped for keeping in touch with exes 4 months after a previous breakup, and having to assertively tell the dumper to stop contacting me and respect my boundaries. She might see this as a petty attmept to flip the script but it did feel good to call her out on doing what she dumped me for:rolleyes:

Edited April 9, 2017 by jamili

[MeadowFlower]

 

Until that time, watch me drop into "over you overdrive".

That line ^ ?

[MeadowFlower]

Let's forget our exes and give up on relationships. Let's all go join a monastery.

[Altair0770]

Thanks for the input Altair. I realize in retrospect, the reason she probably didnt respond to my response and just let the discussion die is becsuse i didnt respond fast enough. Responding nearly 2 weeks later probably threw her for a loop, so she didnt write back right away. Part of me wonders if i had responded that day or in the very least the next day, if we would have started talking and gotten back together by now. Its a tough pill to swallow.

 

The thing about boundaries is that she accused me of having bad boundaries and outright told me that is the reason she broke up with me. She thinks my bad boundaries is the reason i kept in touch with my ex before her after that breakup. Though i didnt keep in touch with that ex in the way she's thinking, she's right about me having particularly poor boundaries in general, that part she nailed.

 

So, my firm statement for her to stop contacting me and respect my desire to avoid chitchat was honestly an attempt to convey the notion that i have changed and i now have stronger boundaries.

 

Call me paranoid but part of me was thinking she was "testing" me. The things she was texting me about, even the logistics things, were very easily discoverable on her own and she really did not need to ask me about them. Shes a very smart girl and her questions were very obviously an excuse to get me to respond. Mind you, responding to her is 100% exactly what she accused me of doing with my ex before her, and what i truthfully denied doing. She did not believe me. I do wonder if the 4 months of NC made her question her reason and tried to ellicit a response from me to confirm her theories.

 

To quote her, during the breakup " when an ex contact you, you should ignore them. They will keep contacting you if you keep responding. You bad boundaries with people and i cant be with someone with such poor boundaries".

 

Of course none of that happened with my ex before her, she was off base, but nevertheless i did struggle keeping NC when this one breadcrumbed me so the boundary claim is correct.

 

So, since i failed to ignore, i sent that as "proof" that i do, in fact, have boundaries. And that i dont, in fact, keep contact with my exes. See what im saying? It could have been a test. Reaching out randomly, 4 months later, with specific meaningless questions designed to ellicit a response... without first sending a "how are you" or an "i miss you" is suspicious, isnt it?

 

Of course, i could be wrong and maybe it was legit her way of trying to work her way back in... and i blew it by throwing a boundary in the face of someone while they were attempting to rebuild bridges. The contact she had with me isnt even in the same ball park as the contact she accused me of having with my former ex, so its not like its really the samw thing. In fact, the boundary might have been a bit extreme, idk. Is it extreme to have boundaries about your ex asking simple questionx 4 months after a breakup? Is that unreasonable to think that is crossing the line?

 

Its been 2 months since i set that boundary and she hasnt sent me a single breadcrumb. Shes respecting my request, at least, but im not sure it convinced her of anything because she sure as hell didnt come running back with an "i misjudged you im sorry i want you back!" So it probably is just over for good now :|

 

It did feel kind of good having been dumped for keeping in touch with exes 4 months after a previous breakup, and having to assertively tell the dumper to stop contacting me and respect my boundaries. She might see this as a petty attmept to flip the script but it did feel good to call her out on doing what she dumped me for:rolleyes:

 

I personally wouldn't stay in touch with an ex. For me - if you dumped me then I'm gone forever out of your lie. I have absolutely zero interest in being friends with someone I put 100% of my effort into and they thought there'd be someone better out there.

 

My ex once (when we were dating) saw someone online that she previously dated, who dumped her. She said his name enthusiastically. I had no idea who it was. I asked "who is that?" and she just said "oh it's (their name)" and dropped it.

 

Learned from a mutual friend that it was her ex. She told me the entire time she never had a boyfriend before. I called her out on her bull **** when she broke up with me. Felt good. Bitches lie all the time.

[jamili]

I personally wouldn't stay in touch with an ex. For me - if you dumped me then I'm gone forever out of your lie. I have absolutely zero interest in being friends with someone I put 100% of my effort into and they thought there'd be someone better out there.

 

My ex once (when we were dating) saw someone online that she previously dated, who dumped her. She said his name enthusiastically. I had no idea who it was. I asked "who is that?" and she just said "oh it's (their name)" and dropped it.

 

Learned from a mutual friend that it was her ex. She told me the entire time she never had a boyfriend before. I called her out on her bull **** when she broke up with me. Felt good. Bitches lie all the time.

 

I agree with you. After breakups, regardless of who the dumper or dumpee is, I'm all for NOT remaining friends. I don't do that out of spite, or because I'm bitter or hurt, but simply because I don't think it's healthy. And this includes random out-of-the-blue texts, asking questions about my job. NOT OK. After reading some posts on here, it seems like the majority of the world (at least on LS) keeps in contact with their exes. And apparently keeping contact is demonstrating that you are "over it". Well, I just don't align with that way of thinking. To me, any kind of chit chat initiated by an ex is crossing the line. If you want to reconcile, then I'm sorry but you will have to be more upfront about it, because I'm not going to make small talk forever until maybe she reveals her feelings. We are adults, and it's important to act like them.

 

My ex, mind you, swore by this very same belief - to the point where she ended this relationship based on the mere hunch that I had "too much contact" with my ex after breaking up. Yes, we had some contact, for logistics purposes... which, after being with someone for almost 10 years, it's just how it goes - joint accounts, pets, belongings, furniture, bills, etc. But she REFUSED to believe that logistics was the extent of it (insecurity). She flat-out accused me of being unable to cut an ex off after a breakup.

 

Lol, well... I just hope she realizes now, first hand, how wrong she was. Because me trying to argue or explain it to her was useless during the breakup. She didn't want to talk about it - I'm a lying snake who she can never trust again . And then demanded we not be in communication after I moved out of there, unless we ABSOLUTELY have to. I've been true to my end of the deal. She has not.

 

I'm not sure there is much more I can do to prove I don't keep contact with exes at this point. It's been nearly 6 months now since the breakup, and she obviously still doesn't believe me, since she never once said she's sorry. I have demonstrated over and over again that I don't keep contact with exes. I threw a boundary right in face when she tried it herself. I feel like it's impossible to build trust with her. I have no idea what more I can do (or not do ).

Edited April 9, 2017 by jamili

[Altair0770]

From what I hear - Disappear from their lives and they'll come crawling back in about 90 days. I don't believe that simply because everyones different. Dumpers really need to understand "I don't love you anymore" is equivalent to saying "I want you out of my life" in a dumpees eyes.

 

Personally I'm fine with it. Once you cross that line, you aren't coming back unless you truly apologize. There's no friendship.

[jamili]

From what I hear - Disappear from their lives and they'll come crawling back in about 90 days. I don't believe that simply because everyones different. Dumpers really need to understand "I don't love you anymore" is equivalent to saying "I want you out of my life" in a dumpees eyes.

 

Personally I'm fine with it. Once you cross that line, you aren't coming back unless you truly apologize. There's no friendship.

 

LOL I don't know about that man. Besides those couple of breadcrumbs, I've been completely disappeared from my ex's life for 6 months now, and still no crawling back has happened. The 90 day thing is a bunch of BS. You are right that everyone is different.

[Altair0770]

I don't believe it personally. I'm on day like... jeez... 62? Lost count. Haven't had any breadcrumbs but she's a fearful lad. Last time around she was miserable. "Losing people sucks". I had a good laugh at that one. You don't lose what you throw away. Don't worry too much about it being 6 months. In my time of being a whiny, depressed dude I researched success stories. Most people that say "I got back with my ex after 2 months NC, but we broke up 6 months later" are because no issues were addressed and the ex was likely just jealous or lonely at that time.

 

I'd rather, if an ex ever came back to me, it'd take awhile and they date around a bit and see that the grass isn't always greener. Plus by that time I get to humbly laugh while they beg for me back. Well actually at that point I wouldn't give a damn.

 

Exes are like dogs. Once they see another one pissing in their territory they go snooping around wondering what's up. It's why it's literally a bitch to deal with.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Altair0770

[SpecialJ]

This is a good guide, but all the comments about women always dumping people and having other guys lined up... that's really not fair. I don't think it's necessarily women who do this, and certainly not all of them -- I think it's immature people who do this. Either because they can't deal with their emotions or because they stayed in the relationship well past the time it had run its course, while being terrible communicators all the while.

 

Since I've been an "adult," I can barely go on a date with a new person for months and months after a relationship ends, and certainly don't have anyone waiting in the wings.

[Sweetfish]

This is a good guide, but all the comments about women always dumping people and having other guys lined up... that's really not fair. I don't think it's necessarily women who do this, and certainly not all of them -- I think it's immature people who do this. Either because they can't deal with their emotions or because they stayed in the relationship well past the time it had run its course, while being terrible communicators all the while.

 

Since I've been an "adult," I can barely go on a date with a new person for months and months after a relationship ends, and certainly don't have anyone waiting in the wings.

\

 

 

No... not all women. But enough that its common practice among women. I think many women read a post and when they see the word WOMEN they think it mean them.

 

Its no secret that women are more emotional and feeling sensing than men are and will seek a remedy for the pain. So when a relationship fails its either..

 

1. Another guy or orbiter was in the mix prior to the break-up and her feelings have shifted.

 

2. upon break-up a female can find a rebound or replacement to ease the pain and fill in the void much easier. In a sense if most men can do the same as readily and easily.. they would do the same.

 

So its not about whats fair... its about what is.

[SpecialJ]

We'll just have to agree to disagree. I don't know many women who do this, and have seen plenty of men who live their dating lives as if they have a revolving door. I still contend it's maturity-related, not gender, but we have anecdotes not data to back it up.

[Kitchen]

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No... not all women. But enough that its common practice among women. I think many women read a post and when they see the word WOMEN they think it mean them.

 

Its no secret that women are more emotional and feeling sensing than men are and will seek a remedy for the pain. So when a relationship fails its either..

 

1. Another guy or orbiter was in the mix prior to the break-up and her feelings have shifted.

 

2. upon break-up a female can find a rebound or replacement to ease the pain and fill in the void much easier. In a sense if most men can do the same as readily and easily.. they would do the same.

 

So its not about whats fair... its about what is.

 

Spoke to a friend of mine about this after reading this thread past few days.

 

We went through every single breakup in our group and found that in 9/10 cases it was the woman dumping and in 10/10 of these, she had someone lined up.

 

It is what it is. Not meant to be a gender war. I just don't understand how it happens.

 

Look there are some things in the world where it's mostly men who are the *******s. In this case it's the women. It is what it is. I just want to know why.

[SpecialJ]

Let me know what you find out then. This is in direct opposition to everyone I know and my own experiences, so sounds like I could use some lessons!

[Sweetfish]

We'll just have to agree to disagree. I don't know many women who do this, and have seen plenty of men who live their dating lives as if they have a revolving door. I still contend it's maturity-related, not gender, but we have anecdotes not data to back it up.

 

 

You will not be the first nor the last to say this.

 

The real question is who is dumping who and what age are theses women? most breakups on LS another guy is lined up or in the pictures with in months.

[Altair0770]

I think woman are more vulnerable to infatuation over love. Think about it. Most cases a woman is the one that wants to get married, have kids, and settle down when they are in the honey moon stage. They in most cases are the ones that tend to try to mold their man into their fantasy boyfriend, and eventually their boyfriend doesn't mold into that (because it's impossible to change people unless they want to themselves, but most women that try to mold their boyfriend into that perfect fantasy).

 

As men, we don't really like to give up our interests. I myself was fairly interested in politics in the previous election. Although me and her agreed politically, she kept stating "I don't take politicians". Because of her I tried to mold myself into not giving a damn about politics, but it was something I was fairly interested in.

 

Unfortunately, society and media kind of shape and stereotype both men and women. Women are supposed to be thin, beautiful, and a princess, based on how society tries to mold us. Men are suppose to be muscular, clean, and a white knight in shining armor.

 

Especially in young women, they fall for their fantasy and infatuation, fooling themselves that they think they're actually in love. Once they've been with their molded boyfriend, and don't feel the fantasy is going to be in this person, they find someone else that could be their fantasy.

 

Obviously men do that too, but in most cases, it seems the woman tries to mold their man into something they're just not, despite the man being everything they could possibly be. The man treats them like the princess and they take complete advantage of it.

 

Men seem to be able to walk away more easily as a dumper. Women tend to think that it's okay to dump someone, go and be with the new guy, and believe the dumpee will stick around forever.

 

If your ex is a pretty girl, they will have their fanbase. They will always assume their fanbase will stick around because they're pretty (and some guys just can't walk away, and haven't developed strong enough feelings to be hurt that their interest is banging someone else. They think it'll eventually be their turn).

 

If you dated someone like that (that has a fanbase). Walk the **** away and never look back. They're bad news. BUT if you DO want them back because you lost your balls in the relationship, it's imperative that you walk away regardless. Once that pretty girl loses a fan they will eventually do whatever they can to reclaim that fan by any means necessary. The whole "want what you can't have syndrome". They will continue to relationship hop until they grow old and lose their beauty because they'll realize they can't mold their boyfriends into their fantasy.

 

Girls that know they're attractive are dangerous. And often also have some mental issues. Not worth the beauty when their personality is toxin.

 

EDIT: I would agree it's more personality than gender, just more females have this personality. When there is a hot guy, girls go and talk to their friends and giggle, so the hot guy doesn't really get that attention. When there is a hot girl, guys have no issue letting that female know about it. Hence why there is the term attention wh*re

 

 

I've HEARD that the NC rule is more effective for a man to use than a woman. Not sure the reason why. It seems that girls sometimes do believe that the dumpee will come crawling back, and when the dumpee doesn't, they wonder what the hell and get curious. Women are a LOT more nosey than men. Men meanwhile may miss the dumpee, but walking away is just easier. Most come back because they don't have a fanbase (men generally don't) and realize that it's better to be in a relationship than have your little buddy go dry.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Altair0770