"Everything you need to know about exes" - let's discuss

[Ronnys93]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I hate to say this, but don't heal to be friends with him. You'll never heal. Focus 100% on you, not him. And just be cautious, you may feel over it, and then it hits you like a truck that you have feelings for this man. It's near impossible to be friends with an ex.

 

He actually kind of proved this to me a few hours ago. It is going to be near impossible because I will likely have those feelings be re-ignited by discussions with him which will just keep cycling. So I guess I am just going no contact to go no contact. He said basically the same exact thing to me.

[Bromeo]

They feel that men are suppose to sacrifice their money, time, and emotions so therefore its not in the equation many times in breakups because it eases the guilt. yet, when men do it to women we are the walk dead and scum and etc.

 

The point of time when they are with you, they think the best guy they can get is YOU! Everything is all find until she normalizes and takes you for granted. As I stated in another thread in this fairy tail she will feel "entitled" entitled to roses, dinners, romance, a wedding , and a wed ring. If she doesn't get those things timely and with in her vision you become less valuable. She moves to PLAN A with the "oh, it just didn't work out with me and the last guy"

 

This basically described my situation quite succinctly, and I can offer no additional comment on it. Lol

[Altair0770]

Rather be dumped by one of those than be one of those.

[Altair0770]

Trying my hardest to feel pity. To feel any sympathy. I kind of want to just get rid of this anger man...

[Sweetfish]

I'm still trying to figure out if we're lucky to be in this position or not. Part of me thinks its better because we know that they won't be able to be involved with anyone else for a very long time, if ever. My ex was sexually assaulted as a child, and instantly lost tons of weight due to the anxiety. Let me be very clear that I'm not grateful at all that she was assaulted and has PTSD. EVERY SINGLE DAY I have thoughts of slicing "cho-mo" in the foreheads of those terrible people. But does it make healing easier? I don't know. But I know I did my part by telling her to go to therapy, and she's on the road to recovery. I do feel guilty, because I think she went because I told her if she doesn't, there is no hope for us, and if there is no hope for us, I disappear. But then I remind myself it's 100% her decision to have ended the relationship and let me go forever.

 

The other part is, there may just never be a chance at reconciliation. *I* am the trigger. She may never be able to see me in person and not have a rush of anxiety. Let alone ever have that romantic relationship. Luckily, I don't have an interest in one. Who knows about further down the road.

 

 

Its a high possibility they will never be able to achieve TRUE love. Not with you and not with anyone else. They may eventually realize from the previous relationship they may lose the next guy... so they may "work it out" with the next guy, they may not.

Edited April 14, 2017 by Sweetfish

[gotaway]

This was a really good post! So much better than anything I have read so far... And trust me I have been reading a lot. A LOT. I found it so helpful that I decided to sign in just to let you know.

 

Also, to anyone who is in the process of healing: you will be ok one day. I know I will be ok too. My bf broke up with me a month ago and it was so easy at the begining (denial maybe?), but then it hit me really hard. I couldn't sleep or study. It was awful. I would sit at my desk and just cry.

 

I went NC immediately. Just contacted to wish him happy birthday and he did too, but that was it. And I only did it because I'm an educated person, I didn't do it with the intention of starting talking again. I was stalking him on social media though, but not anymore, fortunately!! Really, guys, not worth it!! It will only make you worry about meaningless things. Also, I started going more often to the gym and hanging out with my friends. I can tell you that going to the gym has been better than any therapy I could ask for. When Im there, he doesn't cross my mind, not once! I really advise anyone who has been broken up with to try it! I know you feel like crying and staying in bed all day (i did too!) but this brings nothing to you! Only misery!

 

I still think about him daily but it has been less and less everyday. And I shall stay on this path until I don't care about him at all! For everyone in the same situation as me: hang in there, you will find someone who is a better fit for you :-)

 

PS: one thing that helps me a lot is thinking that this person was in my life for some reason. For example: another ex encouraged me to apply for a new position and I got accepted - if it wasn't for him, then I wouldn't have had this opportunity and my life would be completely different now. This job allows me to meet a lot of people and get free access to a lot of things. This person had a role in my life which was to take me in a different direction or to prepare me for a certain situation, now that he played his role I can go on with my improved life without him

[Altair0770]

Its a high possibility they will never be able to achieve TRUE love. Not with you and not with anyone else. They may eventually realize from the previous relationship they may lose the next guy... so they may "work it out" with the next guy, they may not.

 

Maybe they will, maybe they won't. But it also depends on who "the next guy" is. She meets people online, acts like a different person. In reality, she's scared of people she's attracted to.

 

PTSD has no cure, only coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, having that illness and being with someone is asking that person to pull a lot more weight than a "normal" relationship. As Deb has said in my original post, you have to be VERY patient when in a relationship with someone with PTSD.

 

Even combat vets that have PTSD are difficult to have a relationship with, or so I've heard. These are grown men that saw their buddies get blown up, or had to kill someone and watch them bleed out.

 

The issue with mental illness like PTSD is it's not just being scared. It's losing control and thinking you're right in the moment the traumatic event happened.

 

As painful as it is to type, my girlfriend thought I was going to molest her when I became a trigger. Although that was NEVER going to happen, and in her mind she knew it wouldn't happen, the illness took complete control of her and sent her into a panic.

 

The main issue with my ex is I feel she's not taking the time to heal and recover. She's looking for the quickest way to escape. Her real life is very difficult for her, so she wanted to escape reality and find a fantasy online. This girl LOVED the hell out of me. We talked about snuggling and cuddling all the time. When I saw her "not feeling well", I asked "do you want to lay down and we can snuggle?". That was the tipping point that sent her into a panic attack.

 

I was her everything, but when I became real, and became a trigger, that fantasy went away, and she threw everything out. Including me.

 

I know she's sad and depressed that I'm gone, even with her new interest. I know her all too well. And I do doubt she will ever contact me again, or at least any time soon, because she's scared and assumes I hate her (part of does, and always will). But she was so able to, with ease, say "it wasn't meant to be". And thus, I'll let her suffer without me.

[coledvids]

I think my main question or concern is: what if you're in a position where you don't have anyone to turn to? Going to MeetUps and stuff is all very well, but you can hardly rock up and say "I need to vent about my ex!" - same goes for counselling, it's not available late at night when you probably do need someone to talk to.

[coledvids]

It makes it very difficult to trust women in general after you've been through this again and again.

 

It really does make it difficult. I have found myself feeling an intense distrust in women, romantically. I also feel that I won't be able to enter another relationship with a woman, as I can't trust them.

 

You enter the relationship with them expressing how much they want to be with you, settle down, you're the only one etc etc.... the MINUTE they lose interest, you may as well be a stranger to them.

 

The support network thing is true, too. They usually have a BFF or a sister or a mother to distract them from everything. Other men are usually on the prowl, too. Women often have guys sitting in the friendzone, hanging around on her WhatsApp, feeding her free attention - what does she need a boyfriend for?

 

A lot of women seem to be masters at switching their feelings off, too. It's not that easy for men. Men ruminate and take severe hits to their egos and often stop functioning for months on end.

 

Please note that I'm talking about female dumpers from my own experiences and from what I've seen and heard about, I'm aware that not everyone acts in this way.

[Ronnys93]

It really does make it difficult. I have found myself feeling an intense distrust in women, romantically. I also feel that I won't be able to enter another relationship with a woman, as I can't trust them.

 

You enter the relationship with them expressing how much they want to be with you, settle down, you're the only one etc etc.... the MINUTE they lose interest, you may as well be a stranger to them.

 

The support network thing is true, too. They usually have a BFF or a sister or a mother to distract them from everything. Other men are usually on the prowl, too. Women often have guys sitting in the friendzone, hanging around on her WhatsApp, feeding her free attention - what does she need a boyfriend for?

 

A lot of women seem to be masters at switching their feelings off, too. It's not that easy for men. Men ruminate and take severe hits to their egos and often stop functioning for months on end.

 

Please note that I'm talking about female dumpers from my own experiences and from what I've seen and heard about, I'm aware that not everyone acts in this way.

 

I honestly think that this is the illusion that many women are able to pull off. However, I think what happens is that some women become emotionally checked out of the relationship and by the time things blow up they have already experienced the break up in some form before the break up even happens. I don't think it means they have switched off their feelings completely though.

[Altair0770]

I'm willing to bet my ex has a bitch friend that she goes her telling her how much of an ass I am.

 

I'm willing to bet because that was the case before. Someone that doesn't know anything about the relationship calling me an ass and making excuses for her.

[Kitchen]

I honestly think that this is the illusion that many women are able to pull off. However, I think what happens is that some women become emotionally checked out of the relationship and by the time things blow up they have already experienced the break up in some form before the break up even happens. I don't think it means they have switched off their feelings completely though.

 

In that case, how do they do that? How do you get over someone while still in a relationship with them? So much so that it's as if they switch their feelings off? We all know the necessity of NC, so it appears impossible for them to do it the way you described.

 

But if it is possible, why don't men do it enough?

[coledvids]

In that case, how do they do that? How do you get over someone while still in a relationship with them? So much so that it's as if they switch their feelings off? We all know the necessity of NC, so it appears impossible for them to do it the way you described.

 

But if it is possible, why don't men do it enough?

 

I'd love to know how they do it - would save a lot of time moping about.

[Altair0770]

Identify red flags while blinded by love. Check their age.

[Sweetfish]

In that case, how do they do that? How do you get over someone while still in a relationship with them? So much so that it's as if they switch their feelings off? We all know the necessity of NC, so it appears impossible for them to do it the way you described.

 

But if it is possible, why don't men do it enough?

 

 

 

Because it is unique to women. Hence, less women commit suicide, Have sex with multiple men for money, are more likely to be in abusive relationships. More likely to suffer from Stockholm syndrome Yet women are more sensitive then men are. They are more unique to shut-down and seek comfort quickly. How many times you here men "monkey-branch" not as often as women.

 

However, I will leave these statements and you can come to your OWN conclusion.

 

Female hysteria was once a common medical diagnosis, reserved exclusively for women, that is no longer recognized by medical authorities as a medical disorder. Its diagnosis and treatment were routine for hundreds of years in Western Europe.

 

Today, female hysteria is no longer a recognized illness, but different manifestations of hysteria are recognized in other conditions such as schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, conversion disorder, and anxiety attacks.

 

In the 1980s feminists began to reclaim hysteria, using it as a symbol of the systematic oppression of women and reclaiming the term for themselves. The idea stemmed from the belief that Hysteria was a kind of pre-feminist rebellion against the oppressive defined social roles placed upon women.

 

Feminist social historians of both genders argue that hysteria, ‘is caused by women’s oppressive social roles rather than by their bodies or psyches, and they have sought it’s sources in cultural myths of femininity and in male domination

 

Hysteria | Define Hysteria at Dictionary.com

 

Hysteria:

noun 1. an uncontrollable outburst of emotion or fear, often characterized by irrationality, laughter, weeping, etc.

 

2. Psychoanalysis. a psychoneurotic disorder characterized by violent emotional outbreaks, disturbances of sensory and motor functions, and various abnormal effects due to autosuggestion.

[Altair0770]

As been said before, a lot of the times females enter relationships for comfort at a young age. Men do it more for the actual relationship aspect. I'm not here to judge which gender does what or which gender does this.

 

I'm sticking to my original belief about my ex, and many people may have a similar case.

 

I was used". I gave my girl tons of comfort. She was feeling the best. She constantly kept making me promise to fulfill her "happily ever after". That may be one reason why the shock hurt so bad. Despite her not wanting a romantic relationship, she still wanted me there to make her feel comfortable, because despite the distance, I still did.

 

Despite the fact she treated me so goddamn awful, she wanted me to be there for her always. She didn't want to give me up, which is why she was way worse than me after about a month of the breakup. I was out living my life, trying new things. Sure, she was on my mind all the time and I nearly ran out of breath by sighing so many times, but generally I was headed towards a brighter future based on her decision.

 

Unfortunately, I suffer from a little thing called empathy. Despite me being used, treated like complete garbage, I still felt bad (mainly because she has PTSD, and I'll always feel empathy for that, and probably shaped her to be the way she is).

 

When I came back, INSTANTLY she felt SO great. We acted like we were a couple again. Then I noticed the distance, and suspected she was talking to someone else. Bingo, it was right.

 

Maybe I'm not the jealous type. I'm not really sure. I mean, my ex is an attention seeker and went around telling people that she "loved them". That didn't bother me at all, despite that I didn't trust her.

 

Idk, maybe it's because I know it was all long distance. Maybe it's because I know the exact same thing will happen to her new victim.

 

 

Women like to feel COMFORT in a relationship. Regardless of if it's platonic or romantic. My ex wanted me around as a friend because I made her feel comfortable, and she felt comfortable knowing I didn't hate her (it's her using me to become happy then meeting someone else that makes me hate her now. Not that she found someone else, but that she flat out used my empathy with ZERO appreciation).

 

Sometimes I think they turn off the switch but remain because they feel comfortable, but not excited. They get used to being in the relationship, and the honey-moon stage has ended. Once someone sparks their excitement, and know they could have that person, boom, they "flip the switch".

 

I also think a lot of women often confuse infatuation and true love. Men don't seem to have this problem as much. We find a girl we like that's attractive, but think more logically over emotionally compared to women. Women "love" their boyfriend because it's an exciting relationship and their boyfriend provides them with all their needs. Once a relationship progresses and that honeymoon stage ends, other dudes (admit it men, most of us don't appreciate boundaries if a woman is already taken) tend to flirt with the girl. That infatuation strikes with someone new, and their "love" for their boyfriend never really existed. They *thought* they loved you, but never really did.

 

Look at all the threads here that state "I love you, but not in love with you". They never really loved those people, only were infatuated with them. LOVED the attention and spark. Once there were a few rough bumps (no matter how minor), someone else started to spark their interest.

 

 

Now, how do we identify these type of relationships?

 

1) How often do they go out with "friends". We all know chicks love gossip.

 

2) How many times have they tried to change your flaws, even if they weren't flaws? IE - "you'd look good with your hair like this, or with these type of clothes"

 

3) How often did they get offended when you stated the same thing to them?

 

4) How often do they guilt trip you when THEY were at fault?

 

5) How often do they try to get attention?

 

6) How often do they criticize you based on things you cannot control or fix instantly? (eye color, weight, hearing, ect)

 

Simple red flags. The biggest one to watch out for is if they try to change you. Even in the simple ways. It's about satisfying their infatuation. They want you to be their prince, and when a new prince comes along they don't give a damn about you.

 

It's love vs infatuation.

Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[coledvids]

There are so many red flags.

 

I think the one I've noticed too is the lack of being able to laugh at oneself - for instance if she starts singing badly and you say "Wow, I thought someone had fallen down the stairs!" or some other cheeky comment - then watch as they take great offence to this. They will often make the same types of jokes to you, and if you react negatively - "But I was only joking, don't be so sensitive!"

[gemsc1990]

Altair this post is amazing! I sincerely hope anyone who's just been dumped comes across this at some point. Great work

[coledvids]

Just another thought... " I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

 

I believe that this is a phrase that doesn't actually mean anything. If, as they claim, they still did in fact love you - they wouldn't leave you. When someone utters this dreadful phrase it actually means "I don't love you anymore".

 

Love is permanent. Once you develop love for someone, it rarely dissipates. Think about how you love your mother, father, siblings. Even at the worst of times, when they've betrayed you or hurt you - do you stop loving them? No, you don't. The love still exists.

 

What this is is just infatuation, lust. Not love. Be wary of people professing love very early on.

[MeadowFlower]

Just another thought... " I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

 

I believe that this is a phrase that doesn't actually mean anything. If, as they claim, they still did in fact love you - they wouldn't leave you. When someone utters this dreadful phrase it actually means "I don't love you anymore".

 

Love is permanent. Once you develop love for someone, it rarely dissipates. Think about how you love your mother, father, siblings. Even at the worst of times, when they've betrayed you or hurt you - do you stop loving them? No, you don't. The love still exists.

 

What this is is just infatuation, lust. Not love. Be wary of people professing love very early on.

Some relationships may not even be built with love, take away the sex, take away the pretty face, would the guy still stay..

I've read a meme or something before and it has some truth to it, something like, "Look at the s*** we call love today." And you hear those songs out there saying things like, I want to touch your body baby, and you see a young girl singing that. Or the line in the song, 'I'm in love with your body'. Is that what they are going to think a relationship is about. It's lust not love. What kind of era is this.

Edited April 16, 2017 by MeadowFlower

[MeadowFlower]

 

Look at all the threads here that state "I love you, but not in love with you". They never really loved those people, only were infatuated with them. LOVED the attention and spark.

 

It's love vs infatuation.

Say it loud brother. ?

 

 

Being infatuated and starry eyed with being in a relationship and not actually liking the actual person and loving them, is not exclusive to women, guys too.

Edited April 16, 2017 by MeadowFlower

[Altair0770]

Man...

 

I was checking my facebook, and a suggested post was "PTSD Awareness". That struck some empathy. Being empathetic sucks. Doesn't sound very good to have PTSD. I guess I learned that after all my research while trying to make the relationship work.

 

I ain't going to do it, so don't be alarmed. But when she broke up with me I demanded names. She gave them to me, and I found them instantly. Everyday I have anger towards her and towards those people. Whenever I feel uncontrollable empathy, I just remember her so casually saying "I don't see us having a relationship, it wasn't meant to be". Then I focus all my hatred towards her.

 

Part of me badly wants to go punish those people. Part of me wants to call her up and cuss her out and get it off my chest, but my wall will do.

 

I don't love this woman, I guess I'm just a person stuck in wanting revenge and debating to actually act on it. I won't, but that's my biggest obstacle right now. Been nearly 2 and a half months. Not a peep from her. I still doubt I'll get a single crumb. Not waiting on it. Going to be rooming with a girl I find attractive in about a month. Maybe start a FWB haha.

[Sweetfish]

Man...

 

I was checking my facebook, and a suggested post was "PTSD Awareness". That struck some empathy. Being empathetic sucks. Doesn't sound very good to have PTSD. I guess I learned that after all my research while trying to make the relationship work.

 

I ain't going to do it, so don't be alarmed. But when she broke up with me I demanded names. She gave them to me, and I found them instantly. Everyday I have anger towards her and towards those people. Whenever I feel uncontrollable empathy, I just remember her so casually saying "I don't see us having a relationship, it wasn't meant to be". Then I focus all my hatred towards her.

 

Part of me badly wants to go punish those people. Part of me wants to call her up and cuss her out and get it off my chest, but my wall will do.

 

I don't love this woman, I guess I'm just a person stuck in wanting revenge and debating to actually act on it. I won't, but that's my biggest obstacle right now. Been nearly 2 and a half months. Not a peep from her. I still doubt I'll get a single crumb. Not waiting on it. Going to be rooming with a girl I find attractive in about a month. Maybe start a FWB haha.

 

 

You need to take this rage and let it drive your ambition. It sucks... but nothing hurts more than her seeing you progress without her and that is your "revenge" moving forward without her.

[Altair0770]

She can't see anything. I've completely disappeared.

[Ronnys93]

Man...

 

I was checking my facebook, and a suggested post was "PTSD Awareness". That struck some empathy. Being empathetic sucks. Doesn't sound very good to have PTSD. I guess I learned that after all my research while trying to make the relationship work.

 

I ain't going to do it, so don't be alarmed. But when she broke up with me I demanded names. She gave them to me, and I found them instantly. Everyday I have anger towards her and towards those people. Whenever I feel uncontrollable empathy, I just remember her so casually saying "I don't see us having a relationship, it wasn't meant to be". Then I focus all my hatred towards her.

 

Part of me badly wants to go punish those people. Part of me wants to call her up and cuss her out and get it off my chest, but my wall will do.

 

I don't love this woman, I guess I'm just a person stuck in wanting revenge and debating to actually act on it. I won't, but that's my biggest obstacle right now. Been nearly 2 and a half months. Not a peep from her. I still doubt I'll get a single crumb. Not waiting on it. Going to be rooming with a girl I find attractive in about a month. Maybe start a FWB haha.

 

I have PTSD due to some childhood abuse and being raised in a childhood where domestic violence was prevalent. I just recently discovered this through therapy. I don't have any known violent triggers but I hold resentment for my father till this day and I'm working on it. While I know the anger helps you get through the breakup, it is definitely okay to be empathetic for her situation. The truth is that you can't fix everyone. My ex has some deep rooted self love issues and unfortunately while I'd LOVE to help him get through them, he wont let me through. Just like she wouldn't let you through. We're left to move on and pick up our own pieces and learn that there ARE people who will let us through if we grow with them and treat them with love, respect, and care. I admire you so much for your posts on here, they're helping me a lot.