"Everything you need to know about exes" - let's discuss

[Altair0770]

I have PTSD due to some childhood abuse and being raised in a childhood where domestic violence was prevalent. I just recently discovered this through therapy. I don't have any known violent triggers but I hold resentment for my father till this day and I'm working on it. While I know the anger helps you get through the breakup, it is definitely okay to be empathetic for her situation. The truth is that you can't fix everyone. My ex has some deep rooted self love issues and unfortunately while I'd LOVE to help him get through them, he wont let me through. Just like she wouldn't let you through. We're left to move on and pick up our own pieces and learn that there ARE people who will let us through if we grow with them and treat them with love, respect, and care. I admire you so much for your posts on here, they're helping me a lot.

 

Glad they're helping!

 

PTSD has a spectrum, like Autism. Some cases are more severe than others, but overall PTSD sucks.

 

I noticed this girl was a healthy weight when she was around, oh, 18 or so. Then she all of a sudden looked like a 10 year old due to extreme weight loss. When she told me what happened to her (but didn't mention she had PTSD), I thought it happened when she was 18 years old, seeing as that is when a sudden change happened in her weight.

 

She told me it happened when she was young, and that she was diagnosed when she started talking to someone she was interested in... in person.

 

It's hard not to blame her. I don't know if I even should or shouldn't. I mean, she KNEW she had the disorder, and didn't tell me. I do believe she thought she could handle it, but the fact she knew and kept it from me felt like a betrayal. NOTHING I could have done to prevent it at all.

 

That night where everything changed... seeing the look on her face, that won't leave my head ever.

 

My main thought right now is why the hell all her "friends" online that were initially my friends completely abandoned me. I just unfriended them all on Facebook to move on, didn't say anything at all. But I haven't had a single one reach out to me. They said she was so immature (PTSD does block development) that they thought she was Autistic, but then say "she's an adult and can make her own decisions". Such irony.

 

Like, did it not ring any type of bell that this girl was all over me, we go and meet up, and then I come back alone and for 3 months she treats me like complete garbage? Not a single, "hmm that's strange". Treated me so bad and then ran from me constantly. They knew I was getting extremely depressed. Yet when I came back because of my empathy, and heard that they were saying she was autistic to explain her immaturity, I reached out asking their opinions because I know her far better than them. All I got was "read at 9:30" or whatever.

 

Some people are just huge douche bags.

 

 

 

Sometimes I feel empathetic for her. I bet it's very difficult living with PTSD. Then there are times where I get so angry I just say "good". I know that sounds awful, but she really treated me that bad. That ****ing bad...

[BG1]

Thanks a lot for all the insights and your OP Altair.

It's been 2 months since the break up for me and 6 weeks of NC (still hard). And as you said, this NC means I haven't check her social media at all (after unfollowing and deleting), I don't know anything about her. (we live now in different countries and in that sense, it helps).

 

Regarding red flags, empathy, PTSD, etc.. I would like to mention that there may be some elements of codependency in your previous relationship (from what I can see in your post). In my experience, I was the carer and was always going the extra mile, even putting my priorities in a second level (big mistake). My ex has a broken family, was bullied, and some other problems growing up... very empathetic too, but with low self-esteem and lot of problems in communicating or dealing with conflict.

I could see red flags but I truly believe she would be better, after all, I was the only one who was there for her in reality, I also mentioned to her to go to therapy in a couple of occasions but she never did.

I can see I had a pattern in looking for damage girls or understanding a relationship mostly as a caring relationship, and that is a wrong approach. I'm saying this because I think we have that in common and is especially hard when you see it but the other person is not even looking for that help.

My 2.5 years relationship ended up in a very bad way, via skype and she was frankly unrecognisable (talking about switching off the emotions), not a single tear when she was always crying in the relationship, no empathy, etc... And she was coming to see me in a week after been abroad working.

 

My previous ex wanted me back after a few months, I don't know if this would be the case. But we meet when she was in town, (I needed to tell her how she made me feel and I wanted her to confront with the reality, plus seeing her face to face was so hard but will help me to make it feel real and have more closure). She was telling me I deserved better, that she was sorry, she clearly knew she burned down the whole bridge and wanted to rebuild it so in the future we can keep in touch (I don't know if want that tbh). I could see she was feeling very guilty. An important reminder is that no matter what your ex do, the reasons behind will always be selfish or in her own interest, and it's for us (the dumpee) to think if that interest aligns with ours or not.

[somanymistakes]

Just another thought... " I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

 

I believe that this is a phrase that doesn't actually mean anything. If, as they claim, they still did in fact love you - they wouldn't leave you. When someone utters this dreadful phrase it actually means "I don't love you anymore".

 

This part, I do not agree with at all, but:

 

Love is permanent. Once you develop love for someone, it rarely dissipates. Think about how you love your mother, father, siblings. Even at the worst of times, when they've betrayed you or hurt you - do you stop loving them? No, you don't. The love still exists.

 

this part I do, mostly. Yes, some people really do stop loving their family if they were treated badly enough, but MOST people don't, even when times are bad. However, they may very well LEAVE their family and never speak to them again... and still love them, deep down, under the pain. Because sometimes you have to leave, for your own safety and sanity, and other times you just think you do. Leaving does not mean not loving.

 

I left someone I still loved. I still love him now, more than ten years later. That feeling will never go away. (And I'm trying to get him back but that's a whole other story off topic here.) Love lasts, but it doesn't stop people from making mistakes. There's a lot of people out there hunting for second chances with old flames.

 

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" in my experience means one of:

- I care about you but I'm not sexually attracted to you (anymore, if ever)

- I love you but the hearts-and-butterflies phase has worn off and I don't understand that it can still be love even when that rush is gone

- I care about you but I'm attracted to someone else and therefore I believe my feelings for you must not have been strong enough

- I love you but our relationship has become a toxic mess and we need to get away from each other before we hurt each other any more

 

I mean in some cases it's probably just an empty line from someone who never cared at all, but in most cases I'd assume it's more likely to be one of the other options.

[Sweetfish]

Some relationships may not even be built with love, take away the sex, take away the pretty face, would the guy still stay..

I've read a meme or something before and it has some truth to it, something like, "Look at the s*** we call love today." And you hear those songs out there saying things like, I want to touch your body baby, and you see a young girl singing that. Or the line in the song, 'I'm in love with your body'. Is that what they are going to think a relationship is about. It's lust not love. What kind of era is this.

 

 

Yes and No.

 

Question is why are you taking away the sex? Women's failure to understand male biology is what puts you in hot water. Just as a women ovulates monthly... men generate sperm and eventually new sperm is created and the old sperm is absorbed by the body or it has to come out. The body cues the male body to release the sperm and naturally this is with SEX. This biological function does not happen to women. So therefore most women are pretty much like a dear in head lights when they wonder why the man has stray.

 

Testosterone is also a drive for as we have 10 times more than you.

 

According to the National Institutes of Health, the normal range of testosterone is 30 to 95 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dL) for women and 300 to 1,200 ng/dL for men

So yes... take away the sex and see what happens. That like boarding up all the bathrooms in your house.. you are going to eventually find a bathroom SOMEWHERE. As going to the bath is a BIOLOGICAL function.

 

It boggles me how many men put so much effort to understand women, but its not the reverse. Because the sense of entitlement and narcissism most women have today knowing they can simply trade-up detours them from understanding us. They never communicate what they feel.. they simply think like in fairy tails we are suppose to interconnect like perfectly cut sprockets meshing together in sync made from the heavens, so they simply take mental notes and devalue the men over a period of time and eventually it comes all out in one blow... too late for the guy to fix any problems that went under the radar in his eyes.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Sweetfish

[somanymistakes]

You know masturbation is a thing, right?

 

For that matter, you know that many, many men in the world do not have sex every day/week/month?

 

You're not biologically forced to inseminate regularly. That doesn't mean that a high sex drive is a bad thing that you should be ashamed of, or that it's wrong to want sex in a relationship! But "MY BALLS DEMANDED THAT I CHEAT" is not a biotruth for men.

 

As for why people ask about taking away the sex - well, in some cases it's because they're aware that someday, through no fault of their own, they may no longer be as appealing to you (they get old) or they may not be able to have sex anymore (ill health, physical damage). People don't like the thought that they will be remorselessly abandoned because of this.

 

Or if you want it couched in made-up evopsych terms (ie, I don't actually believe this) - a woman is designed to make babies and provide them with a stable supportive environment, and she knows that in the process of making babies she may be unavailable for sex for months (pregnancy and the post-birth period can be ROUGH) and needs to be sure that her mate is willing to stick around during that time to provide for the baby.

[Ronnys93]

Glad they're helping!

 

PTSD has a spectrum, like Autism. Some cases are more severe than others, but overall PTSD sucks.

 

I noticed this girl was a healthy weight when she was around, oh, 18 or so. Then she all of a sudden looked like a 10 year old due to extreme weight loss. When she told me what happened to her (but didn't mention she had PTSD), I thought it happened when she was 18 years old, seeing as that is when a sudden change happened in her weight.

 

She told me it happened when she was young, and that she was diagnosed when she started talking to someone she was interested in... in person.

 

It's hard not to blame her. I don't know if I even should or shouldn't. I mean, she KNEW she had the disorder, and didn't tell me. I do believe she thought she could handle it, but the fact she knew and kept it from me felt like a betrayal. NOTHING I could have done to prevent it at all.

 

That night where everything changed... seeing the look on her face, that won't leave my head ever.

 

My main thought right now is why the hell all her "friends" online that were initially my friends completely abandoned me. I just unfriended them all on Facebook to move on, didn't say anything at all. But I haven't had a single one reach out to me. They said she was so immature (PTSD does block development) that they thought she was Autistic, but then say "she's an adult and can make her own decisions". Such irony.

 

Like, did it not ring any type of bell that this girl was all over me, we go and meet up, and then I come back alone and for 3 months she treats me like complete garbage? Not a single, "hmm that's strange". Treated me so bad and then ran from me constantly. They knew I was getting extremely depressed. Yet when I came back because of my empathy, and heard that they were saying she was autistic to explain her immaturity, I reached out asking their opinions because I know her far better than them. All I got was "read at 9:30" or whatever.

 

Some people are just huge douche bags.

 

 

 

Sometimes I feel empathetic for her. I bet it's very difficult living with PTSD. Then there are times where I get so angry I just say "good". I know that sounds awful, but she really treated me that bad. That ****ing bad...

 

Yeah, I wouldn't excuse her behavior because of the PTSD. Those are just symptoms and showcase the severity of her PTSD. Just because someone has mental illness doesn't mean that they are justified in the things that they do. Mines is not as severe as hers so I can't fully relate. I have situational triggers that make me emotional/Space out, but not to the extent of being manipulative or hurting other people. She is at fault, and you are being a good person for trying to understand why it is that she did those things to you during the relationship.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Ronnys93

[TheWoman]

I think if you are going to use other peoples work (in this case elizabeth kubler ross, stages of grief) you should acknowledge it. no need for references lol, but a nod is polite.

[Altair0770]

I think if you are going to use other peoples work (in this case elizabeth kubler ross, stages of grief) you should acknowledge it. no need for references lol, but a nod is polite.

 

Who is that? I wrote that myself after reading multiple forums and narrowing it down lol.

[Ronnys93]

Who is that? I wrote that myself after reading multiple forums and narrowing it down lol.

 

A psychiatrist that came up with the concept, or theory of the stages of grief.

[Altair0770]

stages are grief have been around for many years lol. Guess it's a coincidence.

[Sweetfish]

You know masturbation is a thing, right?

 

For that matter, you know that many, many men in the world do not have sex every day/week/month?

 

You're not biologically forced to inseminate regularly. That doesn't mean that a high sex drive is a bad thing that you should be ashamed of, or that it's wrong to want sex in a relationship! But "MY BALLS DEMANDED THAT I CHEAT" is not a biotruth for men.

 

As for why people ask about taking away the sex - well, in some cases it's because they're aware that someday, through no fault of their own, they may no longer be as appealing to you (they get old) or they may not be able to have sex anymore (ill health, physical damage). People don't like the thought that they will be remorselessly abandoned because of this.

 

Or if you want it couched in made-up evopsych terms (ie, I don't actually believe this) - a woman is designed to make babies and provide them with a stable supportive environment, and she knows that in the process of making babies she may be unavailable for sex for months (pregnancy and the post-birth period can be ROUGH) and needs to be sure that her mate is willing to stick around during that time to provide for the baby.

 

Women and mens needs are different. Its nothing new you want to see it your way. If your resolve is to push him off and to go masterbate, again thats on you. If your man rejected sex from you constantly would that not hurt you? Wouldn't you slowly disconnect? You simply cannot see it this way as your own feeling trump everything. You are not a man... so you do not understand our biology.

 

 

You want to disconnect sexuality out of the equation in a marriage or relationship for him to rely on his hand. Thats not a relationship I would stay in. The minute another woman values his needs and you rejected him for months on end you tell me whats going to happen?

 

What happend if your man rejects your needs and tells you to go buy your own flowers or I don't have to go out to dinner or the movies everytime with you, but another man starts offering these things to you. Your capacity to see both spectrum is limited and one sided because you are only concern about your needs and wants and yours must align with his.

 

Not all men are chemically cut the same way or have the same sex drive. So you will encounter different men... just as some women have light periods or heavy periods, no sex drive and high sex drive. We are biologically different!

 

In a nut shell many women after having kids.. their sex drive is lowered or gone. Now sex for them may not be part of their needs... but because YOU are whats important you write-off his sexual needs now because sex is not important to you as it once was...

 

Society and the idea all men are dogs has kept you from digging deeper. Society has taught you that so I guess men can not be "pushed away" we have to take everything you got and be happy. Its seems only women have the emotions and construct to fall out of love because the other is not giving the needs she desire.

 

To conclude.. I seen more men have emapthy when they are caught cheating than a woman. A woman will shift the blame in any way or fashion. Men will own up to their mistakes... most women will NOT.

 

Not all men are good.... but I've seen my equal share of women who play innocent and sleep around and lie.

 

By the way.. i dont mean you personally.. so don't take it personally

 

 

Flame suit on... waiting for the nagging responses and how i am wrong lol.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Altair0770]

Sweetfish, out of curiosity. Do you believe men or women to be more likely to be a narcissist/taker?

[Corsican1]

Coolvids

I couldn`t agree more ... I also feel that true love doesn`t leave you.

 

That dreaded phrase does mean 'I don't love you anymore'.

That's the exact moment I realized it and felt my heart blown wide open and I bolted never to return. That was 50+ days ago.

 

My red flag was ignored when she confessed 'I love you' within 3 months of the relationship. I should have been more freaked out by her admission but my intuition failed me. I guess my ego got in the way.

[Ronnys93]

Coolvids

I couldn`t agree more ... I also feel that true love doesn`t leave you.

 

That dreaded phrase does mean 'I don't love you anymore'.

That's the exact moment I realized it and felt my heart blown wide open and I bolted never to return. That was 50+ days ago.

 

My red flag was ignored when she confessed 'I love you' within 3 months of the relationship. I should have been more freaked out by her admission but my intuition failed me. I guess my ego got in the way.

 

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag to say it in 3 months. It's definitely determined by the intensity of the relationship at that point though. That being said, I do think that you can never raise enough caution if you DO feel like it is early in the relationship for you, on your end.

[Altair0770]

I personally don't think "I love you" is too early in 3 months. I think "our kids names will be ___ and ___ and these people will be coming to our wedding" is too early in 3 months.

 

That means they're looking for a fantasy, not reality.

[coledvids]

"I love you" within 3 months is OK, but it depends on the relationship. If there's anything that's slightly off-kilter in the relationship (arguing, codependency, never met etc) then it might be a cause for concern.

 

Strange requests like wanting to move in and talking about it obsessively or wanting kids and becoming stroppy if the other person disagrees is a major red flag.

 

My most recent ex was like that. She would repeatedly want to move in with me during the first year and I didn't think it was appropriate. I was punished repeatedly and told I 'didn't care' and that I was 'rejecting' her, even when I put it to her logically and explained why it wouldn't work. When someone can't respect you and they can't compromise, that's a worry.

[coledvids]

Coolvids

I couldn`t agree more ... I also feel that true love doesn`t leave you.

 

That dreaded phrase does mean 'I don't love you anymore'.

That's the exact moment I realized it and felt my heart blown wide open and I bolted never to return. That was 50+ days ago.

 

My red flag was ignored when she confessed 'I love you' within 3 months of the relationship. I should have been more freaked out by her admission but my intuition failed me. I guess my ego got in the way.

 

True love DOESN'T leave you, no. Love is unconditional, everlasting, etc. Sounds like I'm quoting a Disney movie but that's what I believe.

[somanymistakes]

Women and mens needs are different. Its nothing new you want to see it your way. If your resolve is to push him off and to go masterbate, again thats on you. If your man rejected sex from you constantly would that not hurt you? Wouldn't you slowly disconnect? You simply cannot see it this way as your own feeling trump everything. You are not a man... so you do not understand our biology.

 

 

You want to disconnect sexuality out of the equation in a marriage or relationship for him to rely on his hand. Thats not a relationship I would stay in. The minute another woman values his needs and you rejected him for months on end you tell me whats going to happen?

 

What happend if your man rejects your needs and tells you to go buy your own flowers or I don't have to go out to dinner or the movies everytime with you, but another man starts offering these things to you. Your capacity to see both spectrum is limited and one sided because you are only concern about your needs and wants and yours must align with his.

 

Not all men are chemically cut the same way or have the same sex drive. So you will encounter different men... just as some women have light periods or heavy periods, no sex drive and high sex drive. We are biologically different!

 

In a nut shell many women after having kids.. their sex drive is lowered or gone. Now sex for them may not be part of their needs... but because YOU are whats important you write-off his sexual needs now because sex is not important to you as it once was...

 

Society and the idea all men are dogs has kept you from digging deeper. Society has taught you that so I guess men can not be "pushed away" we have to take everything you got and be happy. Its seems only women have the emotions and construct to fall out of love because the other is not giving the needs she desire.

 

To conclude.. I seen more men have emapthy when they are caught cheating than a woman. A woman will shift the blame in any way or fashion. Men will own up to their mistakes... most women will NOT.

 

Not all men are good.... but I've seen my equal share of women who play innocent and sleep around and lie.

 

By the way.. i dont mean you personally.. so don't take it personally

 

 

Flame suit on... waiting for the nagging responses and how i am wrong lol.

 

Eh, no need for flaming really since the most important point you have in there is something we agree on - people vary, you can't judge all men based on one man, or all women based on one woman. people are different, our sexual needs are different.

 

I'm very hesitant to make sweeping statements about men or women being more likely to do one thing or another, because I know my personal exposure to people isn't representative of the entire population. Like, as a man, you may be more likely to meet or hear about terrible women than terrible men, because the men you hang out with are your friends so you don't see the bad stuff they pull, you hear more about the bad things that happen to them. if you're a great guy and you have three friends who are great guys and you've each dated several women who were messed up, you've got a massively skewed data sample, you know? and same for me, i'm more likely to hear about men being heartless jerks from my girlfriends.

 

interestingly on many forums I see women who do understand that their husbands have sexual needs which they, having lost all sex drive after childbirth, no longer feel up to fulfilling. i see a lot of posts from sad husbands whose wives have basically said 'well, go hire an escort then, just don't bring her home' but it doesn't help

[somanymistakes]

True love DOESN'T leave you, no. Love is unconditional, everlasting, etc. Sounds like I'm quoting a Disney movie but that's what I believe.

 

Love lasts. That doesn't mean people who love never leave.

 

It's the difference between the ex who you can't imagine why on earth you ever dated and the ex you'd still do anything for twenty years later.

[Altair0770]

"I love you" within 3 months is OK, but it depends on the relationship. If there's anything that's slightly off-kilter in the relationship (arguing, codependency, never met etc) then it might be a cause for concern.

 

Strange requests like wanting to move in and talking about it obsessively or wanting kids and becoming stroppy if the other person disagrees is a major red flag.

 

My most recent ex was like that. She would repeatedly want to move in with me during the first year and I didn't think it was appropriate. I was punished repeatedly and told I 'didn't care' and that I was 'rejecting' her, even when I put it to her logically and explained why it wouldn't work. When someone can't respect you and they can't compromise, that's a worry.

 

IMO men are more logical in relationships, where women are more emotional.

 

I told my ex I loved her before we met. I truly did. She responded via text "I love you too". I don't think that was a mistake personally. We got to know each others personalities much better because there was the distance and that is all we had.

 

I do not regret ever being honest about my feelings. I regret having those feelings. Should have see the red flags well before. But hey, now I know.

 

I also once got really nervous after asking a girl out. Said goodbye and "I love you" after like 2 minutes of asking her out after a date. She walked away, turned around and said "Did you just..." and I said "I'm nervous, goodnight" and went inside and got very red in the face haha.

 

I don't think love is a matter of time. I think it's a matter of connection. But planning for the future so early in a relationship while exploring that love is... well... jumping the gun.

[coledvids]

It's really interesting how relationships and love are idealised in society, but they cause more pain and anguish than anything else. Love seems to be a very short-lived phenomenon - maybe we are just not monogamous creatures. The flush of excitement lasts just long enough for a man to plant his seed and for a woman to become pregnant, then that's it. Dies down. Move on. End.

[coledvids]

Love lasts. That doesn't mean people who love never leave.

 

It's the difference between the ex who you can't imagine why on earth you ever dated and the ex you'd still do anything for twenty years later.

 

No no, I agree with this. I was in love with a woman for many years after dating her (for only three months!)

 

More referring to those people that say things like "I love you but not in love" etc etc.

[Ronnys93]

True love DOESN'T leave you, no. Love is unconditional, everlasting, etc. Sounds like I'm quoting a Disney movie but that's what I believe.

 

While I believe in this to an extent. I also do think that there are reasons why lovers should leave the one they love for circumstantial reasons. All which I feel are valid such as abuse, destructive behavior, or neglect. You can love someone who DOES abuse you and for your safety it may force you to leave. Doesn't mean that you stop loving them though, hell you may still be in love with them.

[Altair0770]

Wish I could edit the OP, but one thing to add is breadcrumbs from their friends, family, mutual friends, ect.

 

This is why I advocate removing them from social media, and setting your accounts to private.

 

The ones that out of the blue ask how you been, what you've been up to, and stalk your SM despite you having removed and blocked your ex.

 

The first go around there was someone communicating between us two. I wasn't really aware of this, and told them not to forward anything to my ex. Sure enough, they did.

 

Disappear from that relationship altogether imo. Let the friends go if you want to heal properly.

 

As for the true love, it takes some a break to realize that they truly loved someone. Not always for the dumpee either. This is why reconciliations happen, and why I'll always advocate the NC rule. Once they realize you are gone, and after a few months realize that waiting by the phone to have you come back and pleading, they start realizing the true consequences of their decision.

 

It's tough as hell, but stay strong. Stay very strong. Your healing is much more important than peoples curiosity.

 

No one can take someone disappearing completely from their lives that they once had feelings for.

 

It's why when a celebrity dies out of the blue. One people haven't really thought of besides the die hard fans. Everyone starts mourning that related to that celebrity. Once you've shown you're gone for good, and once they realize that you aren't coming back to pleading and begging, it hits them like a truck.

 

Doesn't even have to be a death. Look at all the news coverage about Bradjolina or whatever. Couldn't stop hearing about that for a month after the news hit, and I don't give two damns about that, but some people were mourning that breakup like their puppy died.

 

If someone cared about you, and wanted you in their life, they will struggle to let that go, even if they made the decision to let you go. For a very long time. As long as you don't pursue, and let them experience the full loss, it will make them suffer the consequences.

 

The question is if that will happen if they find someone new.

 

But you could be lucky and be in my situation where you know every relationship that woman starts is going to end one way or another. But you could be a dumbass and take them back, knowing it'd end one way or another.

[coledvids]

Altair, I really enjoy reading your posts.

 

After years of failed relationships with women it's very clear that are a set of guidelines each failed relationship/break up seems to follow.