"Everything you need to know about exes" - let's discuss

[AlexM123]

Reading the last couple of posts definitely gives me some well needed hope! I'm a little over a month NC and I've made huge progress but she's still constantly on my mind so I feel pretty weak. But seeing Bromeo took 3 months makes me realize that I just need some more time.

 

And about wanting to get over your ex, that's a very interesting point. I have no clue if I want to or not, I'm sure over time I won't want to but I still think about reconciling (I won't ever contact her to attempt that). Keep it up everyone this is one of the most helpful threads!

[Altair0770]

I talked to a woman last night that has PTSD. It was very informative. Unlike my ex, she seeked treatment and tried to get help by people she trusts. Unfortunately, they all denied her story and didn't believe it. She has been going to therapy ever since the incident 6-7 years ago, and still has night terrors.

 

I told her my story, and you can now add to the list of 100+ people with PTSD that have said, "Yes she should have told you". I proceeded to say why I think she's a narcissist, and this person said, "Sounds like my brother. Can't stand him. Just thinks the world revolves around him and doesn't care what happens to others as long as he's happy".

 

It made me feel a bit guilty, getting some more insight on PTSD. It's so hard not to blame myself for triggering her. Logic says it's not my fault. Everyone says it's not my fault. If we had done the whole trip as planned, she would have been triggered no matter what. Things she wanted to do in person when we talked online I planned to do, for her, and one of the things that she talked about all the time was the thing that triggered her. Well, more like mentioning it.

 

It's hard some days, thinking what would it be like had I known she had PTSD. Had I known this could all of been avoided. But due to her narcissism, I think I'd be where I was at during the initial breakup, but only suffering it now.

 

It's so hard trying to realize in my heart that the person I fell in love with simply does not exist. It helps knowing logically that I was a victim of a disorder that does indeed exist. It does help knowing that she will never find happiness because of her narcissism with the combination of PTSD. I feel like a terrible person typing that, but after the things she did to me, said to me, treated me, gas lighting... and not to mention all her flying monkeys that are manipulated by her "charm" completely betraying me after I built the network possible for them to even meet each other, it's just sad. It's difficult. And it brings me at ease knowing no matter what my life will be far better than hers because of her decision to end things.

 

I'm approaching 3 months since last speaking with her. About 1-2 weeks since I cut out any possible way of her being able to know anything about me (my fault for not setting one of my social media to private).

 

During this time I have not asked a single friend about her. Never made an attempt to spy on her. Never looked at any photos of her. The only thing I have of her, are memories. Memories that may never fade. But memories that won't prevent me from being happy.

 

There's a girl I may end up rooming with. Saw her last night. All I could think about was this girl. (it'd be 4 people rooming together). Maybe we could start something casual, I don't know. Maybe that's the final push I need.

[Sweetfish]

It takes time..maybe a year.. could be 2

[Altair0770]

If she's a true narcissist she'll probably try hoovering at one point... ugh.

[Altair0770]

Did some research on gaslighting.

 

There were times I felt like I was trapped in a cage, and she was there with a knife, poking me with it, and saying "it's not your fault". It definitely made me question everything. Guess that's the effect of gas lighting.

 

A lot of times it was "I don't know if I'm comfortable. It's not you I swear". "I promise you it's not you".

 

Then proceeding to treat me so terribly. God dammit. That's gas lighting isn't it?

 

"I like blue eyes". Sigh... as if I had any control over my eye color.

[Chilli]

If she's a true narcissist she'll probably try hoovering at one point... ugh.

 

 

Could you explain more what you mean here ?

 

Just wondering if it would relate to my sitch .

[Altair0770]

Could you explain more what you mean here ?

 

Just wondering if it would relate to my sitch .

 

 

It means they start trying to do whatever they can to get you sucked into their line of supply. Won't let you have peace.

 

After doing tons of research, after my experience with my ex, I think she's a narcissist. No two are alike.

 

I ran into an old friend, a mutual one that I trust. One I removed from my life after the breakup, but made his way back. I didn't talk about the relationship, just told him I needed space at the time and it wasn't any hostility towards him.

 

He brought up that my ex "has decided she isn't ready" for a relationship.

 

Hmmm....

 

I think she got dumped or rejected. Last time I spoke to her, she was in the fishing stage. Casting a line trying everything to get a bite.

 

Of course, this means nothing at all. I wasn't trying to pass along messages, and was fairly discreet about what I've been up to.

 

"How you been?"

Good

 

"what you been up to?"

Just work and the usual

 

 

Really messes with your mind when you hear updates about your ex. Really didn't want to know anything. Now I feel like a sliver stabbed my heart of false hope. She's not seeing anyone, so maybe she'll come back. Na, she won't. And I don't think I ever want her to.

 

 

I've been trying to avoid Loveshack to see if it could progress my healing. After a lot of research on Narcissism, she has to have 5 of the 9 traits in the whatever its called (What they use to determine Narcissism). She has about 8 of the 9.

 

People say she isn't because "narcissists don't take fault". But she does the whole "it's all my fault!" to fish for people saying "no its not". I think it's unconscious manipulation. She "admits" to fault so people will say otherwise, or make them feel guilty rather than put on blame.

 

Anyways, if you guys don't see me for awhile, it's to help progress. I don't have feelings for her anymore. I'm over the relationship aspect. But right now I'm struggling trying to get over the abuse. My therapist said a few weeks ago that once I can find forgiveness, I'll likely be over it. Problem is, whenever I feel like I forgive her, I feel sad and empathetic for what happened to her, and feel guilty for doing complete ghosting from her life. Doesn't make me want to reach out, but still makes me want to go and beat the living hell out of those that assaulted her.

 

If she ever reaches out I'll update ya'll. I don't expect it though. I think we both are in agreement to just stay out of each others lives.

[Sweetfish]

Could you explain more what you mean here ?

 

Just wondering if it would relate to my sitch .

 

Hoovering is a term to describe what a narc does when the new supply becomes boring or isnt effective enough to feed their attention. A narc needs external validation and this is "supply". The biggest supply is the love bombing from the initial relationship and eventually the love you provide is not valued anymore and you may feel that you are being taken for granted. Instead of seeing you as an individual and adjusting and compromising to you as an individual, the narc will victimize them selves and gas-light you into fitting into their mold directly or indirectly.

 

You will lose your self. Clouded by the unhealthy injection of love, sex, and attention in the initial love bombing, your brain will work overtime to maintain the connection. However, the narc can easily jump ship searching for a greater connection or disconnect from you because of anxiety brought on by deep relationship (essential the reason the person developed into a narc..to avoid emotional pain). Eventually the relationship starts to crumble.

 

When you go NC the narc will enjoy the new supply and freedom not bonded to the old relationship (GIGS). However, the grass that once look greener may not be so green. The flip side is they just need all the grass. (Have their cake and eat it to.)

 

Hoovering is pulling back an ex to refill on supply. Its not because they love you and its not for a change of heart.

 

A narcissist CANNOT love.

 

To love requires empathy.

 

Empathy requires an individual to feel how YOU feel and a narcissist just cannot do this... i do mean a full blown NPD as people can have NPD traits.

 

BPDs and HPDs follow a ghostly close trait.

Their feelings will always over ride your love in an unhealthy way.. it will have many conditions.

 

NPDs will manipulate and cover up for attention

BPDs will place you in the "Dark" side

HPDs will seek excitement and attention

 

But in the spectrum they can all share the same traits.. they are all just narcissist riddled with low self esteem hiding behind a mask that they them selves may not realize.

 

Breadcrumbs are narcissist events.

 

Everyone on LS warns not to respond to breadcrumbs.

 

The person giving you these crumbs is not adult (developed) enough to realize how they can effect you ( they cannot place their selves in your shoes) the only motive is them!

 

One can say the ex is testing the status of the dumpee. I say its attention seeking.

 

Once a dumper breaks a relationship they should have no access to you. If something is better out there... that better something should supply all your needs. You should not be a supplement to another relationship or status.

[jamili]

Took me months. Three months rock solid nc, and I'm feeling like my old centered self again. You truly have to love yourself, and be tired of their Shiite to be able to wrestle back some dignity. Lol

 

I'm just shy of 8 months post-break up now. The pain isnt as intense, but it's not completely gone. I still think about her daily, just not as many times per day. I'm seeing other women, and it doesnt really help at all, and i cannot get attached to them or feel any emotion about them, i feel like im broken. The breadcrumbs from my ex stopped after i asked her to stop, which i think helps somewhat because the stress of analyzing her contact and the constant anticipation was hell. I still feel mind blown that she hasnt come back by now since we broke up for such a laughable mistake of fact that i was positive she would have seen and come back apologizing. I'm truly surprised she hasnt cracked. I have no idea whats going on in her life, and she has no idea about mine.

 

My life has been going incredibly well otherwise but i still dont feel happy. At 8 months i have basically no hope left and that makes me sad. We will soon have been apart as long as we had been together so im fairly sure she wont come back of she didnt already, so it made me give up at hoping.

[Altair0770]

amen to the whole "over analyze". Before I could tell the person that I don't want any updates, they dropped the, "she didn't pursue said interest". I know that's BS. I do think she got dumped, rejected, or the guy didn't fit the fantasy.

 

It also sucks that I had to use skype for the first time in nearly a year. My ex was on my contact list and her status was depressing. Things you'd think I want to hear, but all it makes me realize is I'm not over my ex like I'd like to be. I'm an empathetic person. I feel terrible for her, and likely will for a very long time.

 

But I have to remember none of this means **** if she hasn't come back to me. And I have to remember who she really is, and it's not who I fell in love with.

 

Take it from me - any udpates, good or bad, can mess with your mind.

[airborne3502]

This is a great thread.

 

I suspect my ex-girlfriend is a narcissist with a touch of borderline personality disorder sprinkled in. I'm not Dr. Phil, but that's my diagnosis.

 

Bottom line:

 

She's selfish with zero empathy, and bases her self worth on attention from men.

 

Here's something that should have been a red flag to me:

 

She asked me what I was most proud of.

 

The things I am most proud of are the things I have done for others.

 

I taught a kid how to install cable television so that he could escape his abusive father.

 

I taught an unemployed plumber how to install satellites.

 

I paved the way for a friend to get a job when both him and his wife were unemployed during the holidays. He now makes more money than he ever has in his life.

 

I hired a single mother out of a woman's shelter when she was the complete opposite of what I was looking for. She is as loyal to me as the day is long.

 

Those are things that make me proud of my time here on this earth.

 

When my ex-girlfriend answered the same question, everything was about her, and the things she had achieved for herself. She even acknowledged it.

 

That's a girl best left in the rearview mirror...

[Chilli]

Hoovering is a term to describe what a narc does when the new supply becomes boring or isnt effective enough to feed their attention. A narc needs external validation and this is "supply". The biggest supply is the love bombing from the initial relationship and eventually the love you provide is not valued anymore and you may feel that you are being taken for granted. Instead of seeing you as an individual and adjusting and compromising to you as an individual, the narc will victimize them selves and gas-light you into fitting into their mold directly or indirectly.

 

You will lose your self. Clouded by the unhealthy injection of love, sex, and attention in the initial love bombing, your brain will work overtime to maintain the connection. However, the narc can easily jump ship searching for a greater connection or disconnect from you because of anxiety brought on by deep relationship (essential the reason the person developed into a narc..to avoid emotional pain). Eventually the relationship starts to crumble.

 

When you go NC the narc will enjoy the new supply and freedom not bonded to the old relationship (GIGS). However, the grass that once look greener may not be so green. The flip side is they just need all the grass. (Have their cake and eat it to.)

 

Hoovering is pulling back an ex to refill on supply. Its not because they love you and its not for a change of heart.

 

A narcissist CANNOT love.

 

To love requires empathy.

 

Empathy requires an individual to feel how YOU feel and a narcissist just cannot do this... i do mean a full blown NPD as people can have NPD traits.

 

BPDs and HPDs follow a ghostly close trait.

Their feelings will always over ride your love in an unhealthy way.. it will have many conditions.

 

NPDs will manipulate and cover up for attention

BPDs will place you in the "Dark" side

HPDs will seek excitement and attention

 

But in the spectrum they can all share the same traits.. they are all just narcissist riddled with low self esteem hiding behind a mask that they them selves may not realize.

 

Breadcrumbs are narcissist events.

 

Everyone on LS warns not to respond to breadcrumbs.

 

The person giving you these crumbs is not adult (developed) enough to realize how they can effect you ( they cannot place their selves in your shoes) the only motive is them!

 

One can say the ex is testing the status of the dumpee. I say its attention seeking.

 

Once a dumper breaks a relationship they should have no access to you. If something is better out there... that better something should supply all your needs. You should not be a supplement to another relationship or status.

 

Man , so complex , l've copied this and the other reply , try to figure out what relates to what in mine, there seems to be a jumbled mix but ,thanks guys.

 

 

In what ways do the BPD will place you on the dark side ?

What type of circumstances ?

 

lf it means during a fight or even at the hint of a fight, all the good is forgotten and suddenly they're going the throat, maybe over nothing or your not even sure what , like somebody was talking about walking on eggshells.

Mine had a bad habit of being hypo sensitive and where even one word , could start a dog fight- usually one word that should have been taken well , no worries. But she create the worst possible twist to it , in a second , and start shooting. The thing was though she'd spit out some ugly thing about me or the way l felt about her or us that would bring everything we were suppose to be down into the gutter and as if it was all just total bs.or my feelings were.

She could've been telling me in just the sentence before, one second earlier, how much she adored me.

 

l could never figure out if that was our language and terms differences , we're from different countries , or if she was just majorly sensitive, majorly paranoid , or the whole box of rocks or wtf.

She was a bad tempered little **** with a hair trigger, and zero patience.

One day l said to her , babe , do us both a fkg favor in the future could ya, if you think l've said this or meant that or whatever, just ask me first can you .

She said yeah l'll try and that went well for awhile mind you, l was helping that along to by being very careful with certain things.

Unfortunately though although it saved a few sitches for awhile , seems all was forgotten the second another one popped up.

Edited May 9, 2017 by Chilli

[Sweetfish]

Man , so complex , l've copied this and the other reply , try to figure out what relates to what in mine, there seems to be a jumbled mix but ,thanks guys.

 

 

In what ways do the BPD will place you on the dark side ?

What type of circumstances ?

 

lf it means during a fight or even at the hint of a fight, all the good is forgotten and suddenly they're going the throat, maybe over nothing or your not even sure what , like somebody was talking about walking on eggshells.

Mine had a bad habit of being hypo sensitive and where even one word , could start a dog fight- usually one word that should have been taken well , no worries. But she create the worst possible twist to it , in a second , and start shooting. The thing was though she'd spit out some ugly thing about me or the way l felt about her or us that would bring everything we were suppose to be down into the gutter and as if it was all just total bs.or my feelings were.

She could've been telling me in just the sentence before, one second earlier, how much she adored me.

 

l could never figure out if that was our language and terms differences , we're from different countries , or if she was just majorly sensitive, majorly paranoid , or the whole box of rocks or wtf.

She was a bad tempered little **** with a hair trigger, and zero patience.

One day l said to her , babe , do us both a fkg favor in the future could ya, if you think l've said this or meant that or whatever, just ask me first can you .

She said yeah l'll try and that went well for awhile mind you, l was helping that along to by being very careful with certain things.

Unfortunately though although it saved a few sitches for awhile , seems all was forgotten the second another one popped up.

 

If this is the case just walk.

 

You are too afraid their is no one else... so you go thru the pain and grit to make her happy. Start making your self happy.

[Altair0770]

My ex won't stop spying on me and at this point it's just frustrating...

 

LEAVE

ME

ALONE.

 

 

Seriously dumpers, live with your decision. You let someone go, then let them go. YOU MADE THIS DECISION.

[Ronnys93]

My ex won't stop spying on me and at this point it's just frustrating...

 

LEAVE

ME

ALONE.

 

 

Seriously dumpers, live with your decision. You let someone go, then let them go. YOU MADE THIS DECISION.

 

Oh man! How did you find out she was spying on you?

[Altair0770]

Oh man! How did you find out she was spying on you?

 

First - I know her too well. She spied on me and found me on Facebook well before I even gave her my real name. After the last time I spoke to her, I went on a rant on social media and one of her friends messaged me saying "some friend saw that". None of her friends know my account on that social media. When I set my accounts to private, she did the same. When I set it to public, she did the same. I'm not spying on her, I just have to filter through my block list because I often block people rather than get into arguments about politics and sports. I basically put people in timeout for a few weeks. Something I've done ever since being on social media. I know her all too well. She can't let go, but doesn't want a relationship.

 

I told her. I told her...

 

You aren't going to find anyone better than me. You aren't going to find someone who tries as hard as me. I never felt jealous or insecure about her having feelings for someone else. I knew it would end. Smart guy. All I wanted was the door open. To learn to love again while I helped her with her recovery, and she shut the door. So I'll repeat, LIVE WITH YOUR DECISION.

 

It's frustrating. I don't like having to set some accounts to private. I don't want to hamper what I like to do because she wants to spy on me.

[Pumpingiron34]

Hoovering is a term to describe what a narc does when the new supply becomes boring or isnt effective enough to feed their attention. A narc needs external validation and this is "supply". The biggest supply is the love bombing from the initial relationship and eventually the love you provide is not valued anymore and you may feel that you are being taken for granted. Instead of seeing you as an individual and adjusting and compromising to you as an individual, the narc will victimize them selves and gas-light you into fitting into their mold directly or indirectly.

 

You will lose your self. Clouded by the unhealthy injection of love, sex, and attention in the initial love bombing, your brain will work overtime to maintain the connection. However, the narc can easily jump ship searching for a greater connection or disconnect from you because of anxiety brought on by deep relationship (essential the reason the person developed into a narc..to avoid emotional pain). Eventually the relationship starts to crumble.

 

When you go NC the narc will enjoy the new supply and freedom not bonded to the old relationship (GIGS). However, the grass that once look greener may not be so green. The flip side is they just need all the grass. (Have their cake and eat it to.)

 

Hoovering is pulling back an ex to refill on supply. Its not because they love you and its not for a change of heart.

 

A narcissist CANNOT love.

 

To love requires empathy.

 

Empathy requires an individual to feel how YOU feel and a narcissist just cannot do this... i do mean a full blown NPD as people can have NPD traits.

 

BPDs and HPDs follow a ghostly close trait.

Their feelings will always over ride your love in an unhealthy way.. it will have many conditions.

 

NPDs will manipulate and cover up for attention

BPDs will place you in the "Dark" side

HPDs will seek excitement and attention

 

But in the spectrum they can all share the same traits.. they are all just narcissist riddled with low self esteem hiding behind a mask that they them selves may not realize.

 

Breadcrumbs are narcissist events.

 

Everyone on LS warns not to respond to breadcrumbs.

 

The person giving you these crumbs is not adult (developed) enough to realize how they can effect you ( they cannot place their selves in your shoes) the only motive is them!

 

One can say the ex is testing the status of the dumpee. I say its attention seeking.

 

Once a dumper breaks a relationship they should have no access to you. If something is better out there... that better something should supply all your needs. You should not be a supplement to another relationship or status.

Dam this was so well written, God I love this websight.

[cp30]

My ex won't stop spying on me and at this point it's just frustrating...

 

LEAVE

ME

ALONE.

 

 

Seriously dumpers, live with your decision. You let someone go, then let them go. YOU MADE THIS DECISION.

 

Could not agree with this more. I still see my ex periodically, and he's always trying to get my attention. The last time I saw him, I was involved in a deep conversation with a friend of mine who is going through a divorce, and he sat down at our table and I overheard him ask my friend, "What are they talking about?"

 

Um, I'm sorry, it's none of your business. Go away.

[Altair0770]

I never see my ex. Haven't made any attempt to reach out to her. Haven't made any type of indirect contact. Haven't spoken to any mutual friends about her. Haven't even tried to give them hints to send to her. Haven't looked at her social media or anything. I have done *NOTHING* to show that I have any interest in anything to do with her.

 

Yet over 3 months now and she stalks my social media daily.

 

I hate this. It's giving me false hope. Why would she be stalking my social media DAILY. Why would she even be checking after I made it *IMPOSSIBLE* for her to view *ANYTHING* about me. Why did someone have to tell me she's single? Now I feel like I'm sitting by the phone waiting for some kind of contact. I'm doing the best I can to distract myself. I'm actually REALLY happy lately. But now I feel even better because I think there's a chance, and it's delaying my healing and giving me false hope.

 

It just amazes me some people would rather spend a year of their life moping about someone rather than trying to make things work. I know us dumpees have to deal with that because it's not our decision, but 3 months out and still stalking daily?

 

Doesn't make any sense. It makes me want to make indirect contact by reaching out to a friend, but I know that's stupid and completely against what I believe would work. The worst part is since I learned about her not being in any type of relationship or pursuing one, it makes me think of 3 possibilities. 1) she got dumped/rejected. 2) She's not over me, and started pursuing because I WAS in the picture and thought I would actually stick around. or 3) it's true she realizes it's best for her not to pursue a relationship for a long time.

 

All I wanted was to help her recovery and see if we can learn to love again. But developing feelings for someone and pursuing (if the other 2 options are right) shows to me she's more focused on escaping her harsh reality than coping with it, and unfortunately her illness is a life-time illness. And that makes me feel empathetic. I can't even hear the names of the people without cringing and wanting to go murder them.

 

If only she loved ME, and not what I provided, maybe none of this would have happened. I'm not the one that assaulted her. I would never do that. If I could go back in time I'd go to the time she was about to be hurt and beat the living crap out of those two people... or worse. But the way she treated me man... I had nightmares that I was the one that did it. Try waking up from that...

[penelopeanne]

That's the thing, she was never a demon. The only bad thing about her was that she was too nice and put everyone else's needs before her own. With her ex she took out loans for pay for holiday's and everything for them (he was a tight ass), and as a result she rarely had money to be able to do things we wanted to do as she was paying them off.

 

Other than that the only bad thing (that I keep going back to) is the **** way she handled the breakup second time around (over text, no face-to-face and 2 days before I was getting cancer results).

 

mine was via email, the night before my every 3 month cancer recurrence check up. hope all is ok on your end, feel free to stop by my story if you'd like

[Altair0770]

I just wish mine would stop hurting herself. She loved what I provided for her so much she can't let that go, but won't commit and is too afraid to talk to me. What a shame. I just wish I wasn't being spied on. I don't know a lot of her friends, so even if I do go private how do I know that they don't already follow my social media so they'd see it anyways?

 

Blah. I feel she's so close to breaking, but I still doubt I'd ever get a txt or anything from her. I just don't understand why some people would put themselves through so much pain rather than try again. She knows she would be happy with me. She knows she'd be safe with me. Yet she also thinks she can find someone better. The first person she started feeling for certainly didn't meet the standards. No one will.

[BG1]

I know it's difficult to try to focus only in you. Don't think about what she is doing, if she is checking your social media, with what purpose. Lingering will make the healing take longer. I totally get your side, especially as I was the caretaker and I've seen and read a lot of content that would be very useful for my ex.

Hold on.

[Altair0770]

I've somehow done it. Maybe it's because she isn't seeing anyone, but I somehow have forgiven my ex. There were times where I was hoping she would reach out to me so I could cuss her out and make her cry. There were times I was happy that she was crying that I was leaving.

 

I do feel empathy for her, but I feel like I've taken the next step in the healing process. I hope. But I'm not sad. I couldn't even cry if I tried. I couldn't even get mad if I tried. All the memories that made me sigh, or all the memories that made me want to punch the first thing I saw do absolutely nothing to me. I can think about her without having any real emotion besides, "I wish it could have worked".

 

I unfortunately still don't feel like I'm over it. It'd just feel too weird at this point falling in love with someone that isn't her. I need more time to myself for that. But I've forgiven her, despite she doesn't deserve it.

 

Yes, I still blame her 100%. I still am bitter that I was used as an experiment and she lied to me. I'm still bitter I had to give up what I enjoyed doing because I chose NC over making things awkward for the community I built.

 

But... I feel okay. I feel okay.

 

Still would take her back, but for the first time in forever, I let it go.

[Altair0770]

Bros I need some help. So long story short, it's been 3+ months. She wanted me so BADLY to be her friend. In fact, the one thing that made me walk away was, "if you need to leave for awhile then come back it's FINE". That right there showed me she was only interested in what I provided, not actually interested in me.

 

She thought she could eat her cake and eat it too. Writing that makes me realize she's so goddamn toxic and immature. FFS.

 

I found out she's single. Did NOT want to know that by that's the risk of catching up with mutual friends. Literally said in messenger "I don't want to know anything about her or her new interest or anything", I get "oh she didn't pursue him".

 

My ex will lie to ANYONE to make her look innocent or, for lack of a better word, will like to prevent herself from looking pathetic. She doesn't do a good job at it with the crying all the time.

 

I ain't going to lie, I thought I was over her, but all that did to me was release my anger and I can't hate her anymore. I don't know why. I have forgiven her.

 

As I said before, I doubt she just realized she's not ready. She was doing all type of funky things to get this guys attention, which made it easy to sniff out that she was interested in someone. I have no idea who he is nor do I care to know. Don't ever want to.

 

So, to summarize...

 

- She was likely dumped/rejected, or realizes that the grass wasn't greener, or she was telling the truth. Quite possibly what happened. I know it's bad to assume, but I doubt she's telling the truth.

 

- I find out she's stalking me likely daily on social media. Even when there was no way for her to find out ANYTHING about me, she was still peeking to see if she could see through the foggy glass.

 

- Her status on social media is all "depressed".

 

 

I'm not going to make a move. I want to move on, but god dammit if she came to me wanting me back I would be 50/50 of taking her back, and this information that I never wanted is making me all confused and crap.

 

But I do think, as do many people I've talked to, that she would fear rejection from me, especially if she just was rejected by this other guy. I think she fears I would be hostile to her.

 

If she were to contact me, well first it depends on if it's "breadcrumbs" or not, I would make her work for it. I would be open and say that I need a relationship for US and not just her, and that I have my boundaries too. I would be honest that she needs to re-earn my trust, and she needs to be honest with me 100% of the time. And I would tell her to be honest that is it much better with me being gone permanently and never coming back, or is it better to work for it and see where we go.

 

I donno, just thinking that may be a possibility that she may contact me makes me now realize I don't even know if I would want to jump into that. It being long distance, I would have to tell her we would need to meet in person in less than a month since "trying again", but with PTSD... if I re-triggered her which would LIKELY happen, it could hamper her recovery and throw her back a lot. PTSD isn't a joke, and I've been told by many people that it seems that I know a lot more about it than her. I don't think she can ever recover from it. Maybe I'm an ******* for that, but I just don't see the strength in her to. I think she just sees men as disposable if they can't make her feel safe, but anyone she grows attachment to becomes a trigger.

 

Maybe I need to move on 100%. Well, I know I need to. But I need to emotionally realize that she needs a very long time before a relationship is possible. I just wish she'd keep that door open and I could help her. But I can't just help her so she can be with someone else. I do hope she recovers, but the honest side is I don't think she ever will...

[Ronnys93]

Altair I think it would be better for you to continue to focus on moving on first. The truth is that while YOU may be able to eventually become friends with her and work things out rationally, I don't think the situation is the same for her on her end. She is mentally ill and without the awareness and want for help she will likely remain that way until she seeks for it and gets better. You aren't an ******* for saying how you feel, what you feel is just as real as what she put you through. You've gone too far in this healing process to let your progress sling back like a rubber band and start you back from level 1 of healing.

 

Find a way to remove her presence from your sight, focus on getting back to centering yourself again, and work on being the better you. The truth is that you can't truly fix anyone. Sure you could lead her to the help, but she'd have to accept that help herself and right now it's not your place to do that. Not right now anyway! You're not at a place where you can objectively help her out. If you ever want to reconcile with her she's going to have to put in some SERIOUS work on her mental health regime. She's going to have to REALLY work to get you back.

 

I think in terms of what you feel about reconciling, you're on the right path. She'd have to work and respect your boundaries, but right now from what you're saying, I think it's a little to dangerous to think about all that just yet. All of the new information you have has made you off center and you're in no way, shape, or form able to really assess this situation with a clear mind. You've done a lot for me here with your thread and I don't want you to jeopardize your healing process.