definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[lostgirl87]

So my MM and I have decided to take a break -- he says he needs to clear his head and think things through without me pressuring him to make a decision and without us constantly fighting about the same thing: when are we going to be together?

 

Background: we met in January 2016 when I started working at a new office. I am an attorney and he was an assistant. After a week of my starting, he was moved into the office right next to mine and over the next few weeks, we became friends. We connected. I talked to a few friends about this great guy I had met but my problem with the relationship was that he was an assistant and i was an attorney, I didn't know how that could work. (stupid, i know). he became obviously flirty, asked for my number and we continued to talk. He let me know that he was attracted to me. I reciprocated but found it weird that he hadn't asked me out. My friends said he was probably nervous since I was an attorney. Made sense. But it was also weird that he would tell me good night or "see you tomorrow" by 8:00 pm. Worst case scenario, in my head, was that he was dating someone. Finally, one night, i was having some drinks and asked him "so do you live alone?". I was asking more in terms of a roommate. Never did I think he was going to say "I am so sorry I thought you knew - I am married". I was LIVID. I called him every cuss word I could think and told him to never speak to me again. Here I was getting out of my comfort zone and very excited about this seemingly great guy I had just met and almost a month later he is telling me he is married! This actually happened Thursday night, the day before he left for his first anniversary vacation with his wife. While away on vacation, he was texting me telling me he was thinking about me. apologizing for not having told me but said he figured I knew b/c he had a ring. it's a black ring that I could have sworn was a fashion accessory. I had never seen a black wedding band. But i digress..

He asked to see me when he got back and I said no several times before I gave in. On Monday night, I met him in a movie theater parking lot and he apologized profusely and said he didn't mean to cause this issue but he felt something with me that he couldn't stop. that he's never felt this and blah blah. I told him I didn't hate him and it would be fine- I'd get over it.

 

Back at work on Tuesday, we are still talking. My feelings are not going away. We meet up again the next week and this time we kiss. And that was the beginning of the end. For several months, the most we did was kiss. But we talked constantly. Told each other how much we liked each other. Confided in each other. He gradually told me about the issues he was having with his wife: lack of respect b/c she makes more money and he feels like she talks to him like an employee and he isn't good enough, that she constantly compares him to other more educated men, that she wants to turn him into a "white boy" (He's Hispanic), that she had gained so much weight that he was no longer attracted to her, that there was no intimacy anymore such as cuddling or affection- that she seems disinterested in him. SO much more. But we agreed we couldn't sleep together b/c that would make it too difficult. And we didn't sleep together until 5 months later in June. It was incredible. We had great chemistry. We are both very sexual people who are a little kinky and like in all other aspects, we just clicked.

 

At work, it started becoming obvious we were involved. We eventually were moved down to the same floor and it was a lot smaller so everyone could see us coming or going. We used to take lunch breaks together and hang out in the parking deck (SO STUPID) and of course some coworkers saw us. The rumors started. On the afternoons we would hang out, we'd be leaving work within minutes of each other. He got off at 4. I never left that early except on days we'd hang out. Again, so obvious. Eventually, the rumors made their way to management after he confronted a woman we worked with that took it upon herself to tell anyone and everyone who would listen. Management never questioned me but he did talk with HR and told her and management that the rumors were not true and he and I were just good friends. Things resumed like normal and I pretended to have no idea what people were thinking about me.

 

In September, labor day to be exact, I texted him something random and realized he had blocked my number. He used to do that whenever he would be with her for an extended period of time in case my name popped up. ((Eventually we moved to only speaking on Snapchat text whenever he was with her)) I had been drinking and a friend had given me an edible that I didn't know had you know what in it. I have never been one to do any type of drug so maybe it hit me wrong but I flipped out. I began incessantly calling from a blocked number, texting from google voice numbers. Finally he called me and said "I got you. If this is how you want **** to go, then you got it" and hung up. I saw him at work the next day and he was livid. He said his wife saw all the calls and told him to answer but he wouldn't. Apparently she was very upset and they had a bad night. I'm sure it didn't help that I had bought him a gopro for his birthday and he told his wife that it came from me. Who wouldn't be suspicious? The worst part is that week was his birthday and I was unable to share it with him b/c we weren't speaking. I was devastated. I yelled and cried and was unable to eat for days. I felt like I couldn't breathe. After about 2-3 weeks, of patience, talking and absolutely no physical contact he and I were back on.

 

In October, he was let go from the company for unrelated reasons. Once he was let go, I knew that I would hardly get to see him. My anxiety and stress from this relationship was starting to grow. I was constantly pressuring him to see me, to spend time with me, to come over. Meanwhile he was stressed out b/c he was unemployed and had no income and felt I should have been more understanding. By the end of October, we are constantly fighting. I am demanding more. He ends it with me but says he never wants us to stop talking so I agree to remain friends. we eventually end up speaking almost every day, talking to each other like a couple. I had made him promise that he would spend my birthday in November with me and he said he would. Sure enough, the night before my birthday he says something came up and can't be there so he shows up at my apartment on Friday night and stays with me until 3am b/c he wants to spend at least a part of my birthday with me. I eventually found out his wife had some event on my birthday night and he couldn't not go. He told me he was going to a cabin with his family for his sister's birthday (same day as mine). I knew that was a lie from the beginning but he didn't admit it until February when once again, I pressed.

 

Eventually in January, I was let go from the company and was distraught. The following day he showed up at my apartment saying he missed me, we kissed and had the most amazing sex. On February 19, more than a year after we met, he finally told me he was in love with me. I knew I was in love with him months ago. He says he had felt it for a while but didn't want to say it b/c it would be too hard. He said he finally told me b/c he couldn't not tell me. Throughout the time we were together we would talk about us being together, about overcoming my family's thoughts about us (my mom knew we were more than just friends and hated knowing her daughter was a mistress), about getting married, etc.

 

The last few weeks have been rough. We fought constantly. Only one issue: why aren't we together? Then came all my pressing and pressure: Why aren't you leaving? Wen are you leaving? You say you're not in love with her, what are you doing? You don't have kids, whats holding you back? He kept saying "i don't know. it's more complicated than that. Yes I love you but it's not just us. Our families are involved, i told this girl i was going to be with her forever, this isn't just a gf, I do love her even though I'm not in love. I don't know what's keeping me here". He asked me several times to take a break. TO let him figure things out and come back and do things right with me. To come to my family as a single man and explain what happened. But that can't happen until he is divorced. I never allowed that to happen. He tried to break it off so many times. He begged for a break. For some time apart. I would ask to meet up with him and he would give in. I would remind him of our love and to give me another chance and I will stop pressuring him and we can figure it out together. Of course I would never stop. we'd be fine for a few days but eventually I'd start up again. Finally, I got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore and I sent him a long email telling him I was done and I should have listened to him a long time ago and given him the space he needed. We eventually talked about it. he said the email hurt him and he didn't know I was resenting him. He said he was sad but he's glad that I am agreeing to space. That was 2 weeks ago. We were still talking almost every day. I was still asking (nicely) why he was still with her? If he was afraid to lose me? and so much else. I ended up going on a date this past Friday and i texted him saying "I miss you. There's no one else for me" He responded ":) I love you". On Saturday, we were talking and he jokingly said "you don't grasp the 'just friends' thing very well' and I said "actually i do. I had a date friday" of course he was upset. And for the next several days he would tell me "go find someone else. be happy with someone else. find someone who makes you happy and someone who deserves you". I begged again. We finally talked yesterday in length and he said what he has always been saying "I love you. I see us together but when I'm fully available to you. I can't be selfish and hold you back. If you feel like seeing what else is out there, do it. But please don't tell me. I don't want to know. But I need you to give me space and to stop pressuring me. I understand why youre doing it bc you love me. and i love you. but b/c I love you is why I need to do this. Your constant pressuring and pressing is actually going to push me further away. so please give me time to miss you. to miss us. for me to think for myself what it is thats going on in my head. maybe this will slap me in the face and show me that what I want is you. but let me do this. let me come back to you and chase you and make it up to you. you can't pressure me into this". He said he doesn't want us to stop talking but doesn't want me to bring "us" up, anything sexual, no questions. Just us as friends. I was thinking I wouldn't speak to him at all. Not b/c I hate him but b/c it would be best if he could think for himself and really truly miss me: my love AND my friendship.

 

Unfortunately, I was overthinking all night and this morning i texted him asking more questions and that I didn't mean to press and he said "yes you do b/c you always press even when I ask you not to" and I eventually asked "all i want to know is if you're dedicated to making it work with her" he said "yes". I said "so you're done with me? and just want her" he said "yes". I have a feeling he is just angry that I continued to pressure him into answering these questions after our talk yesterday. Even last night he messaged me a sad breakup song and said he loved me so I know he doesn't mean this. I need to give him real space.

 

How do I do this?? How do I get through this? I feel like I can't breathe. My stomach is in constant knots. Please help me.

[somanymistakes]

Sounds rough, sorry you're having a hard time.

 

How is the work situation with you, after you were let go? Have you found a new position? Focusing on sorting out that side of your life might help take your mind off of him...

 

Unfortunately the signs in this story don't point to him being seriously interested in commiting to you, as far as I can see... but you know him better than I do.

[lostgirl87]

The work situation is awful! I'm going on 3 months of unemployment. I've had 3 interviews and the most recent one was this past Friday. Another attorney recommended me so they weren't exactly posting that they were hiring but were interested in me. The owner is out on spring break this week and he told me he would be following up with me next week after getting together with a consulting group to figure out adding another attorney. I KNOW once I get that situated I will feel 1,000% better.

 

As far as my MM, I know the odds are against us ending up together. And maybe all mistresses feel this way but I believe his feelings are genuine. He has met one of my closest friends and told her how serious he was about me. I've talked to one of his best friends who also said he knows he loves me. I genuinely believe he is confused. He has never done anything like this. And it's obvious b/c throughout our relationship, he had NO idea how to handle it. He is used to answering to his wife. Coming home right after work. Her knowing exactly where he is. He is used to telling her 100% truths b/c before me, he never had to lie or sneak around. As much drama as he and I went through, I am positive that if it weren't b/c he had real feelings, he would've ended it long ago. As he says, If this was just sex, we wouldn't have waited as long as we did and I sure as hell wouldn't be putting up with all the fighting. He even offered to have me work at the new firm he is at. I asked him if us working together would be an issue for him and he said no. that all he cares about is me working again. he's honestly my best friend. I can't imagine the feelings not being real. But again, I may be blinded.

[BTDT2012]

Move on. He isn't leaving his wife. Whatever he feels for you, his feeling for his wife carry more weight. Block him.

[BuddyX]

Your mentality should change from "taking a break" to "ending my affair with MM"

 

A member on LS said it best; "I could stay NC because I made a cast iron commitment to being a friend to myself. I realised that no person was worth more pain."

[aileD]

[]

 

He's told you how he feels. He's making it work with his wife. You've got the blunt answer from him. It's time to move on. This isn't a "break". It's the end.

 

You need to start seeing this for what it was:

 

best case scenario- he felt something for you but snapped out of it and made him recommit to his wife

 

Worst case: he played you for sex and when you got to clingy you got unattractive to him.

 

Take some time for yourself. A weekend away. Something like that. Go out with friends. Cleanse your life of all his contact info, texts, etc.

 

Maybe start seeing a counselor. Good luck

Edited April 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lostgirl87]

He ended up texting me (I assume after he had calmed down) saying "this is for the best". And I said "it just doesn't add up. Was it all lies? The entire 14 months? All our plans and talks? You can't be serious when you say you're completely done with even the thought of us in the future when just hours ago you were saying something completely different" and he said "Ive never lied to you. I just decided it. Don't press it. Take my response for once! Please. Find someone who deserves you and can be there for you bc I can't right now". I then said "I get what you're trying to do. You don't want me to wait for you so you'd rather call it quits now so you don't hold me back". To which he repeated "this is for the best for right now".

 

I appreciate all the blunt comments. I really do! I do need to approach this is as "it's completely over" rather than "it's temporary until he decides he wants me". I've put my life on hold for him enough and sacrificed myself and my needs for his. IF he comes back, which I feel like he will b/c he's never been able to cut me off, I am hopeful it will be either when he's divorced for his own reasons or I'm just completely over the situation. Fingers crossed!

[caringsister]

What you two had is not as strong as what he has with his wife. He isn't prepared to leave her.

 

As much as it hurts ... block him from all contact and move forward with your life.

 

Fantasy cannot refute fact.

[lostgirl87]

Yeah I don't think that the 14 months we shared can compete with a 6 or 7 year relationship where both people at some point wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. And I've told him that. I've also told him I don't want to the THE reason he leaves. Bc I know in the future, he'd hold it against me. I always said "leave b/c the marriage isn't working. B/c you don't want to be with HER. Not bc you want to be with me". And we agreed on that. And I also told him relying on me to be his crutch would ultimately tear us apart and that I could never promise forever and don't want him throwing it in my face later.

 

He admits he's attached to the marriage. Not his wife. The commitment. The families. The history. But he also admits that he's been thinking of leaving. That there are issues he can't put up with and has told her this. That she said they'd work on it but it always goes back to the same thing. In the veggining of our relationship, he would say "right now, I don't think it's bad enough for me to consider leaving". Most recently, that changed to "I've thought about leaving and I feel like a little more of things going the way they have been or worse, and I'm done". He's definitely not there yet. And what I appreciate most about him is he's never lied or sugarcoated anything. He's always admitted his feelings for me but never denied the attachment to the marriage.

 

This has to happen sooner or later. He would never leave while we were still involved b/c best of both worlds. I couldn't keep being the girl on the side b/c it was stressing me out and affecting me as a person. This has to be done. And he's always said "I'll be the bad guy if I have to but we're getting to a toxic point and this isn't us". So it is what it is and it'll be what it'll be.

 

I just want the knot in my stomach to go away and the air to my lungs to return.

[Birdies]

He probably does love you, but when push comes to shove, not enough to torpedo his life and deeply hurt his wife and be branded a cheater to the world. That stuff is legitimately, extremely horrible to experience (been there done that) and to do it voluntarily isn't something that most MM are willing to do.

 

You're lucky in some ways. You don't have to see him every day for work. You didn't have the horror of a DDay. The sooner you block him and go no contact, the sooner you'll get over him.

 

I don't mean to be harsh here...... but this guy is literally begging you to leave him alone. Reclaim your dignity and do it!

[lostgirl87]

He probably does love you, but when push comes to shove, not enough to torpedo his life and deeply hurt his wife and be branded a cheater to the world. That stuff is legitimately, extremely horrible to experience (been there done that) and to do it voluntarily isn't something that most MM are willing to do.

 

You're lucky in some ways. You don't have to see him every day for work. You didn't have the horror of a DDay. The sooner you block him and go no contact, the sooner you'll get over him.

 

I don't mean to be harsh here...... but this guy is literally begging you to leave him alone. Reclaim your dignity and do it!

Oh absolutely he is. That's not harsh at all. He's asked me so many times for a break. That he doesn't want me gone from his life but wants to think about this without the pressure and stress of us fighting. And what's worse: that's what I want too. I want him to figure it out for himself. You can't force someone to make a decision like that. And yet, I constantly pressed and pressured him. And he put up with it. But I also put up with a lot.

 

The last time we took a break from the "affair" part was for about 3 months. No kissing, no sex. The fighting stopped. We were back to us laughing and talking about anything and everything. Ultimately that's why we resumed this whole thing- bc we remembered how great he and I are.

 

But now the fighting is worse. Bc it's been a year and i of course wanted him to say "ok i'm leaving her!" So when that didn't happen I became this awful, whiny b***h. And that with the loss of my job, I just became someone I'm not. I'm a confident, happy lively woman. That's who he knows. He even said "where's the confident girl I met and fell in love with? Snap out of it. Stop with the pity party. You'll get out of this funk". So I need to focus on ME. This affair messed with my self-esteem and I need to be me again. It's just hard right now.

[aileD]

People have priorities in life.

 

For some (and many a mm), financial security, marital security, family, and status are a higher priority than romantic love.

 

These types will never choose their OW over their wife (meaning: security).

 

He's practically begging you to leave him alone. By continuing to respond you're dangerously close to desperate and annoying status.

 

Hold your head high instead and walk forward. You wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want you anyway. He doesn't want you. Don't beg him to want you and don't beg him to explain why.

 

Many mm future fake. It doesn't mean he didn't "mean" it, he may have meant it but in the bubble of the affair . He held both parts of his life completely separate. You were fantasy land. All the things he future faked with you were his fantasy.

 

His reality is his wife and marriage and that's what he's gone back to. Go find someone to make you their reality. You deserve it.

[RecentChange]

Don't demote yourself to a pick me dance.

 

You deserve a man who loves you so much that he would move mountains to be with you. Not a man who has made a life long commitment to another woman.

 

All the time you have spent pineing for him, while he enjoyed the company of his wife.

 

As the saying goes....

 

Never make someone a priority when to them you are just an option.

 

You were an option. Sounds like he snapped out of the fantasy and choose his wife.

 

You need to choose yourself and your dignity.

 

Like the above poster said - all and all this could have been MUCH uglier. Consider it a lesson learned, and now you have gained some valuable wisdom to move on with.

Edited April 5, 2017 by RecentChange

[GollumsNightmare]

Gently, why would you want to be with a man who is literally begging you to leave him alone? You have let this relationship reduce your self esteem to the point you are begging a man to let you be part of his life. Please don't degrade yourself anymore. Don't you think you deserve better? You can be a strong, confident woman again. You don't need him. He is telling you straight up what he wants. Believe him.

[lostgirl87]

Gently, why would you want to be with a man who is literally begging you to leave him alone? You have let this relationship reduce your self esteem to the point you are begging a man to let you be part of his life. Please don't degrade yourself anymore. Don't you think you deserve better? You can be a strong, confident woman again. You don't need him. He is telling you straight up what he wants. Believe him.

I understand what you and others are saying about him wanting to be left alone. But to clarify- he has never said he wants me to leave him alone or wants me out of his life. If anything he continues to say "I'm here. I'll always be here. You're the one who says you want to discontinue talking".

 

What he DOES want is for me to leave him alone regarding the topic of us and what he's doing with the marriage.

 

I'm not begging him for anything at this point. I was saying that when he wanted to take a break from our relationship I did convince him to stay in this and see where we go. But that hasn't been recently. He has always called me willingly every day and texts me throughout the day. Right now we need to not talk. He wants to continue talking but not as often so he can think. I'm in full agreement of stepping back and me moving on. I just know I can't be friendly right away so I have to cut him out. That's what I'm having a hard time with bc he's become one of my best friends.

[lostgirl87]

He was sending me links to love songs and telling me he loved me at like 1am. So I know he doesn't want me fully out. I'm just doing that for me. I can't be friends. Or right now. It only prolongs my hurt.

[BenchCoach]

For being an attorney, you're displaying some very poor judgement concerning this situation. Just sayin'.

[lostgirl87]

For being an attorney, you're displaying some very poor judgement concerning this situation. Just sayin'.

Fair enough. Could be because this situation isn't logical whereas the law is. To be honest, I've never had a real, healthy relationship. First time in this type of situation though. First time i've ever been in love. So forgive me for having emotions.

 

I know what I need to do logically and I am doing it. All I'm saying is that it's difficult. Not that I am confused about anything or don't grasp the situation because obviously I do. It's over. It just hurts.

Edited April 5, 2017 by lostgirl87

[BuddyX]

You need to go back to the genesis of your story. Why did you fall for him? Think off all the red flags that were in front of you.

 

How did you not notice a wedding band on his hand? And if he's married and not wearing one, then why?

 

Answer these questions because sooner or later it will come back around again with a different guy.

[lostgirl87]

You need to go back to the genesis of your story. Why did you fall for him? Think off all the red flags that were in front of you.

 

How did you not notice a wedding band on his hand? And if he's married and not wearing one, then why?

 

Answer these questions because sooner or later it will come back around again with a different guy.

Well what I saw was what I thought was a fashion ring. I didn't know people wore black wedding bands. I thought it was only gold or silver or something like that. I swear I had no idea he was married. I was legitimately shocked when he finally told me. He never hinted at it. I remember even Valentine's day I asked if he had a hot date (my way of figuring out if he had someone) and he responded "nah. guys don't really care about that day so I'll probably be playing video games or something with my car".

 

In retrospect, it never should have escalated to this point. But we couldn't help it. We tried to stay away. We took tiny breaks and at one point took a 3 month break (still talked and sometimes met up for lunch/dinner or parking lot talks). Of course there were red flags but I was so infatuated that I thought "whatever. we will see where this goes. i'll deal with reality later". I know, so stupid. I can't believe that was me.

[Hummingbird17]

He is doing the bare minimum that he has to so you won't turn bunny boiler and tell his wife. He has been honest that he wants to make his marriage work. He is attached to his wife. They don't have kids so he can't use that excuse. He doesn't want to leave her. Sure it inflates his ego that you want him so bad, so that's why he will keep talking to you. But I think he is reaching his limit.

 

The best thing is for you to leave him alone. Block him from everything and focus on other things. You are strong enough to do it and will feel so much better once you do. Good luck.

[lostgirl87]

He called me after work. He had emailed me that he wanted to talk and would then leave me alone if that's what I wanted.

 

It began with small talk, joking around. Then we got into what happened today and he said that's not how he feels. He just gets angry when I press him for answers and I should have accepted the way we ended our conversation yesterday. He told me he loves me, sees himself with me but needs time to think and to let s**t ride. Asked me again for us to keep talking.

 

I have to admit: I feel a lot better. NOT b/c I am thinking this means we are going to end up together but b/c he actually cared to call and explain himself after saying such mean things (that he was dedicating himself to her and would never be with me). I hadn't said anything to him for hours so he could have easily just not called. Again I am not living in a fantasy where we end up together. I am still heartbroken b/c in my mind, this is the end. And this last talk gave me closure.

[BuddyX]

If you think this is your closure you're fooling yourself. I give him one week before he contacts you (prob after a fight with his wife).

 

Let me breakdown what he said "Bla bla bla, im picking my wife. Bla bla bla, please don't inquire because it makes me angry. Bla bla bla"

[Starswillshine]

He is doing the bare minimum that he has to so you won't turn bunny boiler and tell his wife. He has been honest that he wants to make his marriage work. He is attached to his wife. They don't have kids so he can't use that excuse. He doesn't want to leave her. Sure it inflates his ego that you want him so bad, so that's why he will keep talking to you. But I think he is reaching his limit.

 

The best thing is for you to leave him alone. Block him from everything and focus on other things. You are strong enough to do it and will feel so much better once you do. Good luck.

 

BINGO!!! There has been no DDay. He has to keep you on the hook so you won't run to his wife and ruin his life. Tale as old as time...

 

Look at the reality if what he has said and done. Bare minimum

[georgia girl]

Lost girl,

 

Your posts read out of emotional control and it appears that you are disassociating from reality a bit. This man and this relationship appears to have cost you both your job. Your constant pressure on him reads as desperate and out of control. I would strongly recommend a) getting into counseling immediately, 2) go home and see your mom and stay with family a little bit and 3) along with searching for another job, I would also take some time off from dating and do some reading about how to have a healthy relationship. Seek out couples you know and have them share with you what a healthy relationship looks like and learn that being in love does not mean chasing someone until you have lost control.

 

Finally, I really think you need to pull yourself up short and take a hard

Look at reality. As an attorney, you know you are on a fast track to destroying g your career with your inability to handle this toxic relationship. Please get help.