definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[lostgirl87]

If you think this is your closure you're fooling yourself. I give him one week before he contacts you (prob after a fight with his wife).

 

Let me breakdown what he said "Bla bla bla, im picking my wife. Bla bla bla, please don't inquire because it makes me angry. Bla bla bla"

Yeah I'm the type of person where I talk things to death. I believe everything has a "why" and has some meaning behind it. He says that what he tells me is the full story- no hidden meanings. Whatever. One of the things I dislike about him. I suspect his lack of proper communication greatly contributes to his marriage problems.

 

and yes, I also understand that right now he is not choosing to be with me. He is choosing to stay where he is. Whether he is genuinely confused or he is just feeding me lies so I stay in his life remains to be seen. I'm aware the odds are against me. Big time.

 

So for now, I will grieve and I will cry and I will miss him. But I want out. I can't wait around. That's what I need help with- moving on and getting the strength and encouragement to not talk to him if or when he reaches out while still married.

[BuddyX]

Then is he blocked?

[RecentChange]

You have to decide that you deserve better.

 

You have to get angry at him for stringing you along like this.

 

Get angry at him for having his cake and eating it to.

 

Get angry at him for being so selfish.

 

Get angry at him for not loving you enough to pick you.

 

Find your anger. I am sure it's there - and use it as your strength to tell him you will no longer be number 2. You will no longer wait for him, because his potential discomfort is more valuable than your happiness.

 

Tell him that you are DONE. That your value is more than this, and no, you can't be friends - and them block him.

 

Ending contact will be the only way for you to move on.

[lostgirl87]

Then is he blocked?

He is

 

I didn't bother telling him I was going to block him because I know he would have tried to talk me out of it. And right now I'm so weak since this is brand new that it would have worked.

[Eight]

takes time and absolutely iron clad no contact on your part. It will hurt. You will feel like you can't breathe at times. You will cry. It's withdrawal, no doubt, physical and emotional. It gets better slowly and sometimes you feel like you are back at square one. All I can say is ride out the emotional rollercoaster and don't contact him. You will be dying to. Just tell yourself to put it off until tomorrow. Then the next day. Then the next day...etc.....just don't do it.

 

Eventually; you will realize you feel a little bit stronger; a little more together. You shore up your boundaries, figure out why you made such stupid choices. Why your self-esteem was so low that you'd do the things you did, accept the behavior of the MM and of yourself. You will start to rely on yourself; feel healthier, emotionally and physically. It takes time and refocus. But it happens. Slowly. Not without really low points and a lot of tears. Those times don't last forever, though.

 

But you have to allow that first couple of weeks to happen. The NC. It sucks but once you get over that initial time period you will only get stronger.

 

I'm telling you. You can do it. Many of us have been in the exact same situation. You have to focus on you; that's the key to healing. Look forward not back. Keep going.

[lostgirl87]

You have to decide that you deserve better.

 

You have to get angry at him for stringing you along like this.

 

Get angry at him for having his cake and eating it to.

 

Get angry at him for being so selfish.

 

Get angry at him for not loving you enough to pick you.

 

Find your anger. I am sure it's there - and use it as your strength to tell him you will no longer be number 2. You will no longer wait for him, because his potential discomfort is more valuable than your happiness.

 

Tell him that you are DONE. That your value is more than this, and no, you can't be friends - and them block him.

 

Ending contact will be the only way for you to move on.

Thank you. I agree. The anger comes and goes. It's usually sadness and grief for the future I honestly believed we had. Because I trusted him so much. He never gave me a reason to not trust him b/c everything he said to me was the truth. Eceb when I coincidentally could've caught him in a lie, it turned out he was telling the truth.

 

But I make sure to follow up the sadness and my possible delusion with the reality: even if what he's saying is true and he loves me, what matters is what he's doing about it. And that's nothing. then I throw in the amount of time wasted, the nights I needed him and he couldn't be there and it gets easier.

 

As sad as I am, I honestly feel relief. It sucks that I can't talk to him but that also means I'm not waiting around for a call or a text to let me know what he's doing or that he's thinking of me. And that is comforting. Putting myself first makes me feel good.

[lostgirl87]

takes time and absolutely iron clad no contact on your part. It will hurt. You will feel like you can't breathe at times. You will cry. It's withdrawal, no doubt, physical and emotional. It gets better slowly and sometimes you feel like you are back at square one. All I can say is ride out the emotional rollercoaster and don't contact him. You will be dying to. Just tell yourself to put it off until tomorrow. Then the next day. Then the next day...etc.....just don't do it.

 

Eventually; you will realize you feel a little bit stronger; a little more together. You shore up your boundaries, figure out why you made such stupid choices. Why your self-esteem was so low that you'd do the things you did, accept the behavior of the MM and of yourself. You will start to rely on yourself; feel healthier, emotionally and physically. It takes time and refocus. But it happens. Slowly. Not without really low points and a lot of tears. Those times don't last forever, though.

 

But you have to allow that first couple of weeks to happen. The NC. It sucks but once you get over that initial time period you will only get stronger.

 

I'm telling you. You can do it. Many of us have been in the exact same situation. You have to focus on you; that's the key to healing. Look forward not back. Keep going.

Thank you SO much for that! It was honest, real and at the same time, understanding and compassionate.

 

I know I did a bad thing but my feelings are genuine. I'm not proud of it but I did it willingly. And honestly it was more good than bad. It's just unfortunate that the bad is REALLY bad.

 

I can't wait to feel better. And I know I eventually will.

[Eight]

Yes. Your feelings are/were genuine. We made bad choices. We aren't bad people. We love. We are human. However, even in the name of love I really cringe at some of the things I did. The choices I made. The point though is to learn from those and do better, knowing better. You will come out on the other side a stronger, better version of yourself. Like I said; I've shored up my boundaries...not sure I even had any before now that I am actually putting them to use.

 

I know what you mean about waiting for texts, etc. It feels good to be in charge of your own life and not so damn dependant on what the hell he's doing. It's also hard because it means you have to work on you...your life...see where you've been ignoring your own issues. At least, that's what I'm doing.

 

Read a lot of the posts here. I've read probably 1000. They have all helped me immensely. Like AA or something. Hugs.

[independentwoman]

Thank you SO much for that! It was honest, real and at the same time, understanding and compassionate.

 

I know I did a bad thing but my feelings are genuine. I'm not proud of it but I did it willingly. And honestly it was more good than bad. It's just unfortunate that the bad is REALLY bad.

 

I can't wait to feel better. And I know I eventually will.

 

Hopefully you blocked him because he will only back off long enough to punish you for presuming to pressure him into leaving his wife which he will not do.

 

Here is another thought for you. What if the wife finds out. What if she decides to go full nuclear and tell your family, post you on websites. Then he will shut you down forever, and you'll have that homewrecker name attached to you. (Take it from someone who knows) Not saying all BS do this, but many do.

 

If you love this man, tell him you're done with ANY kind of relationship until he comes to you with divorce papers in hand.

 

That's how you'll know if he really loves you or not.

[Fair]

You need to end it and accept he won't leave his wife.

 

 

This is the most easily avoidable mess there is... don't get involved with married men... why is this so hard for people to grasp???

[lostgirl87]

Hopefully you blocked him because he will only back off long enough to punish you for presuming to pressure him into leaving his wife which he will not do.

 

Here is another thought for you. What if the wife finds out. What if she decides to go full nuclear and tell your family, post you on websites. Then he will shut you down forever, and you'll have that homewrecker name attached to you. (Take it from someone who knows) Not saying all BS do this, but many do.

 

If you love this man, tell him you're done with ANY kind of relationship until he comes to you with divorce papers in hand.

 

That's how you'll know if he really loves you or not.

Yes he's been blocked. That's my exact outlook on it: if it's real, it'll happen. If not, then that's ok too b/c I'm not doing NC for him to come back. I'm doing it b/c I don't want to feel this way anymore.

 

Her finding out was always a fear of mine. I know it sounds stupid for me of all people to say this but I'd feel beyond awful if she found out that for half of her marriage, her husband had been seeing me.

 

And on the selfish side, I couldn't handle the world knowing or seeing me as that. I hope that didn't happen to you!

[ice3784]

Hi...i understand ur feeling. Me also at the same stage. My MM is working on reconciliation with his wife for the sake of his children and he is willingly to let me go. He is selfish where he lie to me several times and i caught him and i caused a chaos by purposely letting the wife know i was still around. I just hate he lied to both of us and i felt very betrayed by his action. I know where we are heading but my heart just ache and still want him. Ah..feeling being used is so hard to accept and until now i do not understand how he can said he loved me and he loved her at the same time.

[gettingstronger]

You're an unemployed attorney pining over a married man, I'm betting this isn't what you intended to be. You need to take steps now to be the you that you envisioned in law school. Law school is hard work, you can survive that, you can survive this- you just have to dig deep!

[HappyAgain2014]

This turmoil between the two of you wouldn't change if you were together. You wouldn't trust him and he'd be telling another woman one day the same things he told you about his wife. Considering your earning capacity is higher than his, it's going to be the same dynamic as his wife.

 

Both of you have been the subject of rumors and both if you lost your jobs. How much do you have to lose to be with this man?

 

You're both playing games with each other and feeding off of it. This might feel like passion but it's really dysfunctional.

 

Let him go. He's an unemployed, insecure baby who can't stop playing games.

[sandylee1]

It all sounds like a very unhealthy obsession to me. Not like love at all.

 

All the begging him not to break up is not what should happen in a normal healthy relationship.

 

You got way too involved with a married man.

[WarriorBabe]

It's sad that you are going through such a terrible time.

 

The only way to break free from MM is to realize that he is a MM. Trying to pressure him into leaving his W will only backfire on you.

 

Ask yourself the question. If you were his wife, would you want him cheating on you?

[lostgirl87]

Hi...i understand ur feeling. Me also at the same stage. My MM is working on reconciliation with his wife for the sake of his children and he is willingly to let me go. He is selfish where he lie to me several times and i caught him and i caused a chaos by purposely letting the wife know i was still around. I just hate he lied to both of us and i felt very betrayed by his action. I know where we are heading but my heart just ache and still want him. Ah..feeling being used is so hard to accept and until now i do not understand how he can said he loved me and he loved her at the same time.

So you told his wife y'all were together? How do you feel about that now?

 

I don't know if it's me being selfish or what but I could never tell the wife. Partly b/c I don't want to seem vindictive or crazy. Also b/c I don't want to be outed as a mistress. I'm afraid that with my profession it would become very public very fast. But also b/c if she has been able to go over a year without noticing or finding out she is either choosing to be blissfully ignorant OR she really has no idea so why cause her unnecessary pain? I've done enough harm. Can't imagine doing more.

[lostgirl87]

To clarify to everyone the reason I "lost my job" was not related to MM. I was having a hard time with a certain person that was purposely trying to get rid of me and I told the owner I couldn't continue working there if that's how things were going to be so we decided to part ways. Just recently I found out that this person has done the same thing to other attorneys and they are looking for her replacement. Wish I would've been able to stick it out longer!

 

Definitely doing what I need to do for me. I'm already feeling better today. I haven't cried once. Whenever I think about him I make a conscious decision to do or think about something else. Literally taking this one hour at a time. To think completely long term right now is a bit overwhelming so by doing it in pieces I feel more in control.

[lostgirl87]

It all sounds like a very unhealthy obsession to me. Not like love at all.

 

All the begging him not to break up is not what should happen in a normal healthy relationship.

 

You got way too involved with a married man.

I can see why you'd feel that way. I probably used the wrong word. It wasn't "begging". I believe begging is literally saying "please don't leave me. Stay with me. Choose me. Please don't go".

 

What I did do was tell him I loved him and yes there are issues but I feel like we could make it work and I was willing to fight if he was. He would agree. During our many talks about us and what we mean to each other I'd ask him "would you want to be completely done with us if it weren't for my begging?" And he said "you've never begged me so stop using that word. You fight for us and have done everything you can which makes me want to do the same which is why I stay in this with you. If I didn't want to, I'd cut you off".

 

I don't believe it's an obsession. I do believe it's love but far from an ideal situation. We allowed ourselves to get here and have made a mess. But we are able to think somewhat with a clear head. I haven't cried once today. I haven't unblocked him to see if he will reach out. I haven't tried to check any of his social media pages. I am purposely doing what I can to not think about him. I've even stayed off of this site for several hours. Unlike yesterday where I was constantly checking while in a frantic state of "what do I do with myself now?"

 

It's only day 1 so I'm aware I have a long way to go. I am not over him by any means. But like I said to him in my email a few weeks ago, I am choosing me and my sanity. I was thrown for a loop when he got so upset that I went on a date with someone he has always been jealous of and I jumped back to "ok let's work on this" but I'm back to my original thinking of "focus on me". Everything else will happen the way it should.

[lostgirl87]

This evening I went out with a girl who was my legal assistant at my last job. She and my MM were friends and actually, the official reason they were let go is b/c they got caught clocking each other in and out a couple of times. Mostly my MM was clocking her in and out. She did it for him twice.

 

Anywho-

 

After a few drinks she tells me she's been dating a guy from our old firm. Coincidentally this is the guy I went on a date with while on a break from MM. I decide to tell her b/c it's just not fair. She's upset. Several drinks later she asks me "did you and MM hook up? I feel like I know the answer but it's never been confirmed". I admit to it. She then gets tears in her eyes and tells me "I slept with him 2 weeks ago". Right when I had sent him the email that I wanted a break!!!

 

Naturally, I'm livid. I believed this man. I believed we had, at the very least, a friendship. Which is actually how we started. Now I get slapped in the face with the simple fact that he's just a cheater. Oh and also, when my former assistant told MM that she was dating that guy, MM told her to tell me b/c that guy was pursuing me and she needed to put an end to that. Selfish bastard.

 

So I texted him "Omg. You f****d so and so". He has the audacity to text me from Snapchat and say "I can't believe you texted me! You got me into s**t at home. We are so done". To which I respond "lol. Dude. I'm confronting you with the fact that you slept with someone else that I know and that's all you have?" Of course he denies it. Then blocks me. Lol.

 

At this point, I'm just angry that he's stupid enough to think this crap is going to work. Although to be fair, it's worked in the past. I bring up a valid point and he shuts down and gets angry. Well unfortunately for him, he had sent me his resume when he became unemployed and used his W as a reference. With her cell phone number.

 

I created an internet phone number and called her. Told her about our relationship and of at least one other girl. She asked if I had proof. I told her I had plenty. What was odd is that the second time I called her to see if a message had gone through, she was laughing and having a good time. MM wasn't with her so I don't understand why he texted that I made things difficult at home b/c she hadn't seen anything.

 

I sent her several photos, screenshots and even a clip of a video. The worst part? When I apologized for my knowing and willing involvement, she said "i wish girls like you wouldn't sleep with a married man until you knew for sure it was a done deal. However I don't blame you, I blame him". So I feel awful b/c she could've said absolutely terrible (and true) things about me and to me but she didn't. But I'm also glad b/c now she has all the information she needs to make a choice about her own life. She asked several questions and I answered all of them. I never gave her my name but I'm sure she knows that it was me. MM told her I gave him a GoPro for his birthday b/c he helped me on some cases and she asked me tonight if I was the one that gave it to him. MM also told me that a few times that I've texted, she "joked" saying "oh here you go- it's your gf". But who knows what's true. He's clearly sick.

 

The best thing about this? Now that I ratted him out (which he would've never expected from the poor, delusional, love-sick mistress) he is out of my life forever! The bad news? There's a good chance this will come back on me and get out to the public. My family already knows so at least that won't be a shock. I'm unsure how MM will get revenge on me but I'm sure he'll think of something. At the end of the day, I can't be too upset. After all, I willingly engaged in an affair with a married man. I'm not even sad. I'm more shocked that I, somebody who is usually intelligent and can catch on to bs quickly, was so fooled. But oh well- you live and you learn.

 

I genuinely hope that the BS makes the best decision for herself and ends up happy. Whether she stays or leaves. They're actually moving out of their apartment at the end of the month. They were set to move in with her parents and then her parents were going to sell the house to their daughter in a few months for her and MM to live in alone. She definitely holds the power in this situation and I'm almost bummed that I won't be able to see how that unfolds.

 

Even though I know she won't see this:

 

Dear Betrayed Spouse,

 

I am truly sorry that my naivety and delusion are causing you this much pain. I am sorry that I believed him and romanticized his disgusting treatment of your marriage. I am sorry that I wasn't the woman I know I should have been. I am sorry that I did to you what I wouldn't have wanted to be done to me. I am sorry that I was incredibly selfish in this "relationship". You'll never know how sorry I am and I hope that you find the happiness that you so very obviously deserve.

[sandylee1]

A MM having multiple OW should not be a surprise and knowing he cheated so early in the marriage should have told you everything you needed to know.

 

At least his wife knows the truth, despite whatever your reasons for telling her were. I get the feeling that jealousy, and revenge and anger were among those feelings.

[lostgirl87]

A MM having multiple OW should not be a surprise and knowing he cheated so early in the marriage should have told you everything you needed to know.

 

At least his wife knows the truth, despite whatever your reasons for telling her were. I get the feeling that jealousy, and revenge and anger were among those feelings.

Definitely not jealousy. I'll admit that anger played a huge part.

[BenchCoach]

Are you really that surprised at what a total [jerk] this guy really was? Ever heard that saying "when a person shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!"

 

Sorry to say, but what's really pathetic is that you were actually pining for him, when he was out sleeping with this other girl. You two were notches on his belt. Who knows how many affairs this creep has been in. I suggest you get tested for STD's now that you know this.

Edited April 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Kat Keller]

I'm sorry that you got played...it's a difficult thing but I think your MM was a fool and he set himself up for messing with single women. This is why I always think if married person is going to cheat... it's a bad idea to do it with a single person in almost every single case. I couldn't even entertain it a little bit if my AP wasn't already married. I think married people should only have affairs with other married people in MOST cases.

 

 

I just think in a lot of cases single people don't relate as well and another married person can relate way better to how this would affect everyone's life if it came out. A single person has a heck of a lot less to lose but some of these people want to play like they are single and then when someone like you rats them out they are so up in arms about it. Frankly, they should see that coming a mile away. It's typical and predictable.

 

 

Besides that I'm not an advocate of disgruntled AP ratting out the spouse they knowingly opted to cross those lines simply because they get angry when he or she isn't dancing to their tune any longer and I've always found it odd when a single person who engages with a married person is irate when they find out they aren't the only one getting sexed...I just feel like where was all this interest in letting the cheated on spouse know when you were having big fun with his or her husband? There wasn't any because they were getting their way... I just think a married person is a damn fool to go there in about 99.99% of these cases.

 

 

I have a feeling though his wife will probably stay with him in the end though. And after the dust settles this guy will be back out there again looking for new legs to fall open before him.

 

 

But at least now you know and can move on with yourself. Wishing you well.

[lostgirl87]

Update:

 

Wife still hasn't confronted him. She texted me to ask if he had reached out and I told her the truth- he had. He's been apologizing to me all day while they're at a family function. He drove to my apartment (after dropping off her parents) to talk and I didn't see him.

 

The reason I told the wife wasn't entirely for anger. It was mostly b/c this is the ONLY way he won't try to come back in my life and will focus on the marriage. I knew he wouldn't go away. He's been telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for ruining our future together. Wife and I have exchanged screenshots of him telling both of us how much he loves us.

 

She keeps asking for information and I don't want to give her anything else. I feel she has more than enough to make the best decision for herself.

 

Right? :-/