definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[FoundMyStrength]

Imajerk17 isn't being histrionic. His descriptions aren't over the top, he's just pointing out the obvious which often gets overlooked once ppl are in the "fog."

 

I do believe OP started out with a good thread it was titled:

 

Big update: Definitively over with MM.

 

And that would have been a good move on her part. Hollywood has romanticized affairs so when ppl get into them they think "Ummm it's wrong but maybe we're soul mates...this was meant to be..." That would be romantic if it was true. But almost all the time affairs are based on people being bored or unhappy (or both) with their lives and then get themselves in trouble trying to fulfill whatever they think they're missing.

 

That's not romantic.

 

Hopefully the OP will come to her senses soon before she throws her life away.

 

I dunno, I see the OP struggling with what becomes, in most affairs, a morass of deception, lies, partial truths, and both parties (MM and OW) playing the "what if" game. It takes time to process, time to untangle, and time to heal. The OP is doing the best she can, and needs support and good advice not condemnation and reminders of the obvious moral lessons of an affair.

 

And honestly ending a post with "See marriage is sacred to me" is getting up on a very high horse. As Birdies said and as I I told a friend who got up on a similar high horse of condemnation with me, best be sure you don't fall down, because it is a very long fall and a much harder landing for those who believe themselves impervious to these types of mistakes.

[lostgirl87]

I find it amusing, almost comical, the name of this thread and what's actually happening- "definitely over with MM."

 

That ol' saying comes to mind, "you can lead a horse to water, buuut..."

Ok I really don't know how many times I'm going to have to say this: I posted that thread when I called his wife and told her everything. I figured it had to be over when I did that b/c who would come back after that?! Since then obviously things have changed but I can't change the thread title. Dear God. But if you find it that comical go on and have a few laughs.

[lostgirl87]

NOt sure what interest THE JERK has in being on this site.

 

Poppy.

No interest at all other than to look down at all of us who have made the mistake of getting into an affair and shame us.

[lostgirl87]

Now my posts came across a bit harsher than I intended and I apologize for the unneccesary harshness. But you are in a severe severe fog and you need to wake up!! So I have to stand by the gyst of what I said.

 

I actually respected YOUR earlier posts, lostgirl87, of a few weeks ago when you said you were going NC with MM and getting yourself into therapy as for why you let yourself get involved w MM in the first place, and in general, why go for the wrong men. THAT is what I consider "taking responsibility".

 

But now you are back to talking w MM because he called you from a different number or something (I forget exactly), and you said in a few posts since that you feel you and MM are meant to be. That is what I (and most other people )call "NOT taking responsibility", all the admissions of guilt in the meanwhile notwithatanding.

All of that still stands minus the NC part. And I don't recall saying that my current belief is he and I are meant to be. I said that at one point I felt like he and I meant for a reason. And that's how I allowed myself to even get into this situation. I am not saying that's what I feel or that it's right.

 

Right now I'm confused and trying to make sense of all of this. It's not as black and white as you want to make it seem. Yes it is wrong that I got involved at all but I did- i can't take it back. All I can do now is see what happens and go from there. You don't need to understand it. You definitely don't need to approve. If it bothers you this much then don't read any posts on this thread. It's simple. B/c honestly I'm tired of having to explain or justify myself to you. It's pointless.

[Imajerk17]

Ok I really don't know how many times I'm going to have to say this: I posted that thread when I called his wife and told her everything. I figured it had to be over when I did that b/c who would come back after that?! Since then obviously things have changed but I can't change the thread title. Dear God. But if you find it that comical go on and have a few laughs.

 

Call us naive, but I thought the affair was over because you actually were committed to doing the right thing and go NC and enter therapy (as you actually said yourself a few weeks ago), not because you think MM holds the cards and would no longer want it.

[lostgirl87]

Call us naive, but I thought the affair was over because you actually were committed to doing the right thing and go NC and enter therapy (as you actually said yourself a few weeks ago), not because you think MM holds the cards and would no longer want it.

Like I already said, all of that is true minus the NC part. I did what I did as my way of ending it and making sure he wasn't coming back. Yes he and I still speak after a few weeks of him calling and asking to make things right with us. I'm not shutting the door yet and time will tell what happens. Maybe he's lying just to keep my friendship since he's not getting anything else. Maybe he's not. Again, time will tell.

[lostgirl87]

GeekLover:

One more thing- I hope you never regret or wish you had done things differently regarding your separation/divorce. You did the best thing you could given the situation. It is something that requires A LOT of thinking and planning. The worst thing you could've done was run away only thinking "I love my OM and screw everyone else". Not only would that cause even more harm and hurt to the people affected by your actions but it would've been a guaranteed way for your relationship with OM to have failed. How he couldn't understand what you were doing is beyond me. Maybe it's because he clearly didn't think to make a decision with as little collateral damage as possible like you did. Just b/c you did a "bad thing", that doesn't mean you screw up even more by just running away together without thinking of all the consequences. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with OM. I really truly wish you all the best and I'm glad you at least have a good relationship/friendship with your husband and can provide you with some support!

[Life lessons]

Yeah I hate that at the end of this he still has two women who love him and are willing to take a chance on him despite all of his wrongdoings. But I guess he's just a lucky guy? Lol.

 

This is definitely not an ideal situation and I'm not proud of what I've done and what I continue to do. I just feel like I can't give up yet. I feel like he came back for a reason. He's putting up with my conditions for a reason. And it's not sex! Again I will say, time will tell what happens.

 

 

I too am of the mindset that everything happens for a reason. With that said, in regards to your conditions, I want to add that maybe the MM knows that as long as he's communicating with you and having the EA, that there is high probability that the EA will lead to a PA again!

 

Do you think that is likely the reason he's accepting your conditions as they are?

 

I ask that because I'm a WS and I feel that is probably why the OM in my case kept the EA going. He was single and knew if we continued talking, when we were unable to see one another, that the probability of us having sex, when he returned to my area was highly probable!

[lostgirl87]

I too am of the mindset that everything happens for a reason. With that said, in regards to your conditions, I want to add that maybe the MM knows that as long as he's communicating with you and having the EA, that there is high probability that the EA will lead to a PA again!

 

Do you think that is likely the reason he's accepting your conditions as they are?

 

I ask that because I'm a WS and I feel that is probably why the OM in my case kept the EA going. He was single and knew if we continued talking, when we were unable to see one another, that the probability of us having sex, when he returned to my area was highly probable!

I don't know if that's the likely reason but I'm sure it's crossed his mind and he thinks it could happen. He is after all a man.

 

But if sex is all he wanted, couldn't he get that elsewhere without all the hassle and complications? With me, he has to deal with a wife that now knows he's speaking to me, our long and complicated history, the possibility that I'd tell his wife again (not saying I would but I'm sure that's a concern of his since I already have), he knows I have certain expectations and requirements and not to mention the constant emotionally draining conversations we have.

 

Like I said, I wouldn't rule that possibility out! Men will do a lot for a good lay. Or any lay, really. At this point, I'm not trusting him blindly or assuming the best about him so it's definitely more than possible that he's expecting me to fall right back into what we were and to continue being a cake eater. Time will tell. I know what I'm willing to do and not willing to do. I'm willing to give him time to sort himself out. But during that time, we won't be seeing each other much, if at all. And if we DO see each other, it will be a quick lunch or coffee- not my apartment or any secluded place where sex is even a possibility. And that's something I'm doing for myself. I'm not at a point where I could say no to him if we were alone and in private.

 

So if that's what he's thinking, he'll be very disappointed.

[GeekLover]

GeekLover:

One more thing- I hope you never regret or wish you had done things differently regarding your separation/divorce. You did the best thing you could given the situation. It is something that requires A LOT of thinking and planning. The worst thing you could've done was run away only thinking "I love my OM and screw everyone else". Not only would that cause even more harm and hurt to the people affected by your actions but it would've been a guaranteed way for your relationship with OM to have failed. How he couldn't understand what you were doing is beyond me. Maybe it's because he clearly didn't think to make a decision with as little collateral damage as possible like you did. Just b/c you did a "bad thing", that doesn't mean you screw up even more by just running away together without thinking of all the consequences. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with OM. I really truly wish you all the best and I'm glad you at least have a good relationship/friendship with your husband and can provide you with some support!

 

Again, thank you. You brought tears to my eyes. This thread has been a god sent to me. I apologize if I've highjacked it in places, but I was hoping that by telling you about the other side might be helpful. However, I can't deny that it has also been helpful to me in the fact that I have been able to sort out and say some of what I've been feeling, but I've also felt supported with what has happened with me.

 

The sentence I bolded in your comment is so powerful to me. It was really the main reason why I took a chance and started talking about my story on here. I have been so confused why my OM would just walk away as soon as he got me. And not only that...but walk straight into a new relationship without any time to reflect, learn or get over our relationship. Whenever I read posts in this section, I always read about OW (where area all the OM's???) posting about how their MM went back to their wife, or MM is hot and cold, or MM doesn't contact me for days....and I wonder what I did wrong. I was always there, I always voiced what I wanted, and I eventually made a choice, but it wasn't enough. Reading all these threads, it seems this should be a dream come true for my OM, but it wasn't.

 

What has started to become clear to me during this thread, is that it wasn't about me at all. All this was about him and his insecurities and weaknesses. This is a man who was in a marriage, found me, had an A with me, went back to "fix" his marriage, but really couldn't let me go. This is a man who continued to text me every day (except for weekends when his W was around), all day long...because he needed me while he sorted out what he wanted. Then he used me as his soft landing when he started to finally push back against his wife, which eventually ended their marriage.

 

He didn't love me. I was his god damn pillow. That hurts.

[Imajerk17]

T

This evening I went out with a girl who was my legal assistant at my last job. She and my MM were friends and actually, the official reason they were let go is b/c they got caught clocking each other in and out a couple of times. Mostly my MM was clocking her in and out. She did it for him twice.

 

Anywho-

 

After a few drinks she tells me she's been dating a guy from our old firm. Coincidentally this is the guy I went on a date with while on a break from MM. I decide to tell her b/c it's just not fair. She's upset. Several drinks later she asks me "did you and MM hook up? I feel like I know the answer but it's never been confirmed". I admit to it. She then gets tears in her eyes and tells me "I slept with him 2 weeks ago". Right when I had sent him the email that I wanted a break!!!

 

Naturally, I'm livid. I believed this man. I believed we had, at the very least, a friendship. Which is actually how we started. Now I get slapped in the face with the simple fact that he's just a cheater. Oh and also, when my former assistant told MM that she was dating that guy, MM told her to tell me b/c that guy was pursuing me and she needed to put an end to that. Selfish bastard.

 

So I texted him "Omg. You f****d so and so". He has the audacity to text me from Snapchat and say "I can't believe you texted me! You got me into s**t at home. We are so done". To which I respond "lol. Dude. I'm confronting you with the fact that you slept with someone else that I know and that's all you have?" Of course he denies it. Then blocks me. Lol.

 

At this point, I'm just angry that he's stupid enough to think this crap is going to work. Although to be fair, it's worked in the past. I bring up a valid point and he shuts down and gets angry. Well unfortunately for him, he had sent me his resume when he became unemployed and used his W as a reference. With her cell phone number.

 

I created an internet phone number and called her. Told her about our relationship and of at least one other girl. She asked if I had proof. I told her I had plenty. What was odd is that the second time I called her to see if a message had gone through, she was laughing and having a good time. MM wasn't with her so I don't understand why he texted that I made things difficult at home b/c she hadn't seen anything.

 

I sent her several photos, screenshots and even a clip of a video. The worst part? When I apologized for my knowing and willing involvement, she said "i wish girls like you wouldn't sleep with a married man until you knew for sure it was a done deal. However I don't blame you, I blame him". So I feel awful b/c she could've said absolutely terrible (and true) things about me and to me but she didn't. But I'm also glad b/c now she has all the information she needs to make a choice about her own life. She asked several questions and I answered all of them. I never gave her my name but I'm sure she knows that it was me. MM told her I gave him a GoPro for his birthday b/c he helped me on some cases and she asked me tonight if I was the one that gave it to him. MM also told me that a few times that I've texted, she "joked" saying "oh here you go- it's your gf". But who knows what's true. He's clearly sick.

 

The best thing about this? Now that I ratted him out (which he would've never expected from the poor, delusional, love-sick mistress) he is out of my life forever! The bad news? There's a good chance this will come back on me and get out to the public. My family already knows so at least that won't be a shock. I'm unsure how MM will get revenge on me but I'm sure he'll think of something. At the end of the day, I can't be too upset. After all, I willingly engaged in an affair with a married man. I'm not even sad. I'm more shocked that I, somebody who is usually intelligent and can catch on to bs quickly, was so fooled. But oh well- you live and you learn.

 

I genuinely hope that the BS makes the best decision for herself and ends up happy. Whether she stays or leaves. They're actually moving out of their apartment at the end of the month. They were set to move in with her parents and then her parents were going to sell the house to their daughter in a few months for her and MM to live in alone. She definitely holds the power in this situation and I'm almost bummed that I won't be able to see how that unfolds.

 

Even though I know she won't see this:

 

Dear Betrayed Spouse,

 

I am truly sorry that my naivety and delusion are causing you this much pain. I am sorry that I believed him and romanticized his disgusting treatment of your marriage. I am sorry that I wasn't the woman I know I should have been. I am sorry that I did to you what I wouldn't have wanted to be done to me. I am sorry that I was incredibly selfish in this "relationship". You'll never know how sorry I am and I hope that you find the happiness that you so very obviously deserve.

 

I quoted this post OP. You are still holding out hope and believing what you and MM have could be "real" when there is all this evidence that MM is playing at least one other woman besides you and his wife.

 

It's quite easy for MM to string you along quite frankly. Phone call or texts....It's just words on his part, and clearly he has the time to be saying those very words to at least one other woman. You know this already though, right? Aren't you a lawyer, all smart and stuff

 

Again I am astounded that you aren't completely repulsed w both him and your situation. This would make someone w any sense of self-respect run. That you are still willing to "see what happens" even after all that makes me think you have some ways to go before you hit your rock bottom.

Edited April 30, 2017 by Imajerk17

[lostgirl87]

T

 

I quoted this post OP. You are still holding out hope and believing what you and MM have could be "real" when there is all this evidence that MM is playing at least one other woman besides you and his wife.

 

It's quite easy for MM to string you along quite frankly. Phone call or texts....It's just words on his part, and clearly he has the time to be saying those very words to at least one other woman. You know this already though, right? Aren't you a lawyer, all smart and stuff

 

Again I am astounded that you aren't completely repulsed w both him and your situation. This would make someone w any sense of self-respect run. That you are still willing to "see what happens" even after all that makes me think you have some ways to go before you hit your rock bottom.

Wtf are you even talking about? It was a one night stand. He never told her anything like what he is telling me. He doesn't speak to her at all. And I know this b/c she emailed him at work asking to meet up and "talk" and he sent me photos of their email exchange. He wants nothing to do with her and regrets it completely.

 

Seriously, stop posting here.

Edited April 30, 2017 by lostgirl87

[Imajerk17]

Wtf are you even talking about? It was a one night stand. He never told her anything like what he is telling me. He doesn't speak to her at all. And I know this b/c she emailed him at work asking to meet up and "talk" and he sent me photos of their email exchange. He wants nothing to do with her and regrets it completely.

 

Seriously, stop posting here.

 

And you believe him, after all this!

 

The only thing that is keeping him "honest" w this girl is that he knows she is off-limits---she is your friend (far as he knows) and he knows whatever he says to her will get back to you.

Edited April 30, 2017 by Imajerk17

[imsosad]

Lostgirl, you say you believe him, you never caught him in a lie, you believe things are real between you.

If your colleague hadn't confessed to them sleeping together, would he have told you?

It seems you're letting him off very easy on that one.

You know that he has cheated on his wife with at least 3 other woman, yet you still think he's trustworthy?

Placing blame on his wife/their relationship doesn't mean it's ok. A troubled marriage doesn't automatically gives him the right to cheat.

You broke up with him and he responded by having sex with someone in your close proximity.

Doesn't that tell you something about the way he handles stress?

I ended up with my AP so I do think it's possible, but he left his marriage while we were NC (and I was still married and he had no idea if I'd becwith him or not) and reached out after he was already living seperately.

In your case, I feel like you are too involved emotionally in their marriage and are basically holding out passively while they make their decisions.

I know you want to believe this is different and special and real. I know it is to you. He sounds like a serial cheater. How do you explain to yourself what he did with your assistant? He knew it would hurt you and did it anyway. Maybe even intentionally. Either he wasn't planning on telling you ( no different than his lying pattern with his wife) or he knew you'd be hurt and it wasn't enough to stop him (same pattern again).

[lostgirl87]

Again, thank you. You brought tears to my eyes. This thread has been a god sent to me. I apologize if I've highjacked it in places, but I was hoping that by telling you about the other side might be helpful. However, I can't deny that it has also been helpful to me in the fact that I have been able to sort out and say some of what I've been feeling, but I've also felt supported with what has happened with me.

 

The sentence I bolded in your comment is so powerful to me. It was really the main reason why I took a chance and started talking about my story on here. I have been so confused why my OM would just walk away as soon as he got me. And not only that...but walk straight into a new relationship without any time to reflect, learn or get over our relationship. Whenever I read posts in this section, I always read about OW (where area all the OM's???) posting about how their MM went back to their wife, or MM is hot and cold, or MM doesn't contact me for days....and I wonder what I did wrong. I was always there, I always voiced what I wanted, and I eventually made a choice, but it wasn't enough. Reading all these threads, it seems this should be a dream come true for my OM, but it wasn't.

 

What has started to become clear to me during this thread, is that it wasn't about me at all. All this was about him and his insecurities and weaknesses. This is a man who was in a marriage, found me, had an A with me, went back to "fix" his marriage, but really couldn't let me go. This is a man who continued to text me every day (except for weekends when his W was around), all day long...because he needed me while he sorted out what he wanted. Then he used me as his soft landing when he started to finally push back against his wife, which eventually ended their marriage.

 

He didn't love me. I was his god damn pillow. That hurts.

I wish I could offer some insight as to what your OM was thinking or feeling but as you can tell, I'm not clear on anything right now lol. I do believe he had real feelings for you though. It sounds like he just doesn't know how to have honest and real relationships. When it comes to putting in work or sacrifice into a relationship, it seems like he just bolts. Whatever relationship he is in now won't last unless he's worked through whatever issues he clearly has.

 

You're a strong woman! You're doing great! At the very minimum, you can take comfort in the fact that you handled the aftermath the best way you could.

[donbar]

I'm sorry I took so long to reply. Been working all day..

Before I answer your questions please stop responding to Imajerk. It's a pointless exercise.

 

Why did I stay married? Ultimately it's because my wife was diagnosed with a life threatening illness and I couldn't..

She doesn't know about the affair.

I'm stuck in my marriage because ultimately I have a responsibility to her, an enormous amount of emotion, time and money invested in it, I don't want to let her down, and the OW says she has found another. She doesn't want to be the OW anymore and I understand that.. she doesn't want to be the woman who caused my wife to be left alone. To say I'm depressed is an enormous understatement. If I could be with the OW I would. Four months and I still think about her every quiet moment. Her face, her smell, her sense of humor, her warmth and kindness, the way her eyes would light up when she would see me, the messages and love, the sheer joy that she brought me. And then I think of how it is now and I grieve as though she died..

 

What do I need from the OW? If she would reach out and tell me she cannot go on without me permanently in her life, that I must be single and when I am I must find her and then we can be together....

 

I'm still writing my story. It's long and will bore some of those on here, but just writing it helps. Maybe I won't post it..

[lostgirl87]

Lostgirl, you say you believe him, you never caught him in a lie, you believe things are real between you.

If your colleague hadn't confessed to them sleeping together, would he have told you?

It seems you're letting him off very easy on that one.

You know that he has cheated on his wife with at least 3 other woman, yet you still think he's trustworthy?

Placing blame on his wife/their relationship doesn't mean it's ok. A troubled marriage doesn't automatically gives him the right to cheat.

You broke up with him and he responded by having sex with someone in your close proximity.

Doesn't that tell you something about the way he handles stress?

I ended up with my AP so I do think it's possible, but he left his marriage while we were NC (and I was still married and he had no idea if I'd becwith him or not) and reached out after he was already living seperately.

In your case, I feel like you are too involved emotionally in their marriage and are basically holding out passively while they make their decisions.

I know you want to believe this is different and special and real. I know it is to you. He sounds like a serial cheater. How do you explain to yourself what he did with your assistant? He knew it would hurt you and did it anyway. Maybe even intentionally. Either he wasn't planning on telling you ( no different than his lying pattern with his wife) or he knew you'd be hurt and it wasn't enough to stop him (same pattern again).

I don't place any blame on his wife or their marriage. He has issues. I'm aware he has them. no I don't believe a troubled marriage is an excuse to cheat.

 

No, I don't believe he would have ever told me about sleeping with my former assistant. He had cut her off before I found out so I truly believe it was a mistake that he realized he made and wanted to forget it and hoped I'd never find out. And I wouldn't have had she not called me and asked to meet up. Her and I aren't "friends". We worked together for a few months and that was all. He and I have discussed what he did with her a lot- he doesn't have an explanation for why he did it other than "I'm a POS and I messed up. I didn't say no. I didn't walk away. I should have and I hate that I didn't. Nothing like this will ever happen again" and blah blah.

 

I am not excusing his behavior. It does sound like I've forgiven him way too easily for what he did but I haven't. I COULD forgive a mistake if we had a proper relationship and he addressed his issues. He needs to communicate better, handle stress better, be present for both good and bad and deal with it. I'm not in denial about his many shortcomings and believe me I have great hesitation about actually being with him b/c if that happens, we already have a few serious issues to deal with. I'm not saying we will end up together and it will be all sunshine and rainbows. I'm saying that if he does love me and what he's saying is true and he would be committed to making us work then I'm not shutting the door on that right now. we are not NC but our communication hasn't been as constant as before. We don't text all day but do text a little. He does call me after work and sometimes before work. We have met up for lunch a few times. So maybe it's not enough for some people but for me, this is a big difference. I'm all over the place and I'm handling this the best way that I can. Going completely NC right now is overwhelming. I don't always answer his calls or respond to texts but sometimes I want to and I do. It's a process for me and eventually it'll go one way or the other.

[BenchCoach]

Ok I really don't know how many times I'm going to have to say this: I posted that thread when I called his wife and told her everything. I figured it had to be over when I did that b/c who would come back after that?! Since then obviously things have changed but I can't change the thread title. Dear God. But if you find it that comical go on and have a few laughs.

 

I didn't/don't mean it in a literal sense: being amusing.

 

What I mean is, you never really closed the door on this guy, despite his actions(bedding another girl, who is a mutual acquaintance) after you "ended things" with him. You assumed he was gonna go back to his wife, and in response you planned on detaching and putting this behind you as quickly as possible. The truth of the matter is you've always held a torch for him. I get it... it's difficult, if not impossible to detach from such an experience.

 

What's amusing to me, is how you try to justify his actions... almost making excuses for his behavior. Then you add that he's been "honest" with you... he's been "up front," so-to-speak. He's a "good person," as you've commented. Do you really believe this, given that he's been cheating on his wife with you and then sleeping with this mutual acquaintance when you gave him the boot? Seriously... you can't be this naïve. Regardless of his actions in the here and now, this guy is a total scumbag.

 

 

It's obvious that no matter what anyone tells you, he has a total hold on you somehow, and you just can't close the door on him, completely. It's almost as if the more you're advised to stay away from him- as in, "he's bad news;" the more you want to him.

[NikonRN]

No interest at all other than to look down at all of us who have made the mistake of getting into an affair and shame us.

 

There seems to be quite a few people who come in these threads for their daily sanctimonious tirades. This forum has a specific title, if you aren't one or haven't been in the past....go elsewhere to spew your judgement.

[sandylee1]

 

The difference in life circumstances between a MM who has a whole other life and is by nature deceitful there, and a single OW who can be all in and has no real need for dishonesty, I think is more likely to cause a lack of honesty and full truth and clear intentions between the APs.

 

I agree with you 100%.

The playing field is not level when it involves a single AP.

 

Apart from the obvious factor of affairs being wrong, it's a very imbalanced situation and 'unfair' for the single party involved.

 

However, they chose to be the 'other' and are a willing participant.

[Imajerk17]

This is (probably) my last post on this thread and then I am bowing out.

 

Why I am here: Yes indeed I **HATE** cheating (and so my posts come out a bit nastier than intended), but no, I don't see myself as "better than anyone else"--whatever that means. I am here learning so I don't become either a *victim* or *perpetrator* of cheating.

 

OP, I am sorry to hear you are in pain. As a man though, I can tell you that you are being played for a fool by MM. Even though I never cheated, I have fell in love and gotten my heart broken. Anyway, I could never be broken up w a woman I am in love w and have sex with someone else **the next day** (or next week), much less w **her assistant**. How disrespectful can someone be? Sure, we men can be dogs but NOT when our hearts actually belongs to someone. I also know how easy it is to feed words to get a woman to feel special, wanted and needed. Words are easy to say though, it is all about actions.

 

Your MM is telling his wife basically the same stuff he tells you and he has gotten her to fall for it as he had you. She hasn't kicked him out yet because, after 3 APs on his part already, what's one more.

 

Basically, he has sucked HER in as he has sucked YOU in, the difference is he has been working on her for several years.

 

My point is this: You need to completely disabuse yourself of the storyline that your affair has been about two people who just happened to fall in love under the wrong circumstances because it's just not true. It sounds to me like you are still holding on to that notion in some of your posts.

 

Peace out.

Edited April 30, 2017 by Imajerk17

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Now my posts came across a bit harsher than I intended and I apologize for the unneccesary harshness. But you are in a severe severe fog and you need to wake up!! So I have to stand by the gyst of what I said.

 

I actually respected YOUR earlier posts, lostgirl87, of a few weeks ago when you said you were going NC with MM and getting yourself into therapy as for why you let yourself get involved w MM in the first place, and in general, why go for the wrong men. THAT is what I consider "taking responsibility".

 

But now you are back to talking w MM because he called you from a different number or something (I forget exactly), and you said in a few posts since that you feel you and MM are meant to be. That is what I (and most other people )call "NOT taking responsibility", all the admissions of guilt in the meanwhile notwithatanding.

I doubt if you realize that this is her story and itd whats happening to her. Yes, you an give your advice but when you talk down on someone you are not doing any good.

 

I actually respected YOUR earlier posts, lostgirl87, of a few weeks ago when you said you were going NC with MM. So now because the stories and dynamics have changed. you dont think yo should respect her post and story.

 

This site is for support and if you have given your advice and its not going towards the direction you intend. Then let it be. Your harshness would not make things change even if you say a billion and one times. Its up to the OP to change her situation when she is ready. Different people have different ways of dealing with situations.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I dunno, I see the OP struggling with what becomes, in most affairs, a morass of deception, lies, partial truths, and both parties (MM and OW) playing the "what if" game. It takes time to process, time to untangle, and time to heal. The OP is doing the best she can, and needs support and good advice not condemnation and reminders of the obvious moral lessons of an affair.

 

And honestly ending a post with "See marriage is sacred to me" is getting up on a very high horse. As Birdies said and as I I told a friend who got up on a similar high horse of condemnation with me, best be sure you don't fall down, because it is a very long fall and a much harder landing for those who believe themselves impervious to these types of mistakes.

True post! cos when they fall. They definitely wont come back here to tell their stories! The shame will probably be too much and then they swallow it up while it rots inside.

[lostgirl87]

Over the weekend I tried to distract myself, have fun with gfs, and after a few drinks and discussing my situation with my gfs, I ended up having a panic/anxiety attack and went to the hospital. I reached out to MM to let him know what was going on. Stupid, I know. We didn't actually speak on the phone until Monday morning.

 

On Tuesday we had lunch together even though we had been fighting. Lunch was fine. Full of the usual "I love you"s and kissing. We sat and talked in the car for a while, he tried to "do more" but we didn't. He wasn't upset - he still kissed my forehead and repeatedly told me how much he loved me. He called me on his way home from work.

 

Now today: I sent him a text this morning when I didn't get a morning call and realized I was blocked which means something happened. I figured something was up when I didn't get a call but to be blocked let me know immediately something changed. I emailed him. His response was "Please stop. We need to end this." I said "ok that's fine. however I am tired of the back and forth so can we meet, talk and end this once and for all?". I'm the type of person that HAS to talk things out. Something I learned to do when I had a very unhealthy way of dealing with stress and anxiety back in law school (but that's a separate issue).

 

We met up.

 

He immediately began crying telling me how much he loves me and how awful he feels for the effect this is having on my health and relationship with my family and friends. (my mother recently went off on me and called me every OW slur you can think of- we are fine now). He said his wife was questioning him again yesterday about me and that he can't keep hurting both of us. I stayed strong, I didn't cry (at first) and told him I completely understood the difficulty of his situation and that he has nothing to worry about. That I don't hate him, I don't fault him for doing what he feels he needs to do (giving his W another chance). He continued saying how he doesn't know how much longer he is going to tolerate this situation with her. that she has been tracking his phone by linking the apple IDs or some kind of linking app , I don't know.

 

He said "I don't know if I'm going to walk out this week, in a month, or within the time frame you have set but I know this isn't going to work with her. I don't see it going anywhere and I don't see myself with her anymore. She won't get over you And I definitely can't get over you. But I can't do this to you anymore. You deserve to be someone's everything. Not to be holding off for someone who is so effing lost and all over the place. I have to do this for my sanity. I hurt her enough to just walk away now. I hurt you enough to keep you here. i don't want to let you go. God knows I don't want you out of my life but this is so unfair to you. I can't ask you to wait but I want to. I want to go to your parents and let them know that I love their daughter and how sorry I am for putting you in this position. I don't know how to leave right now without it affecting you and I down the road". At this point the tears are pouring from his eyes while intensely holding and kissing my hand. And because I am not made of stone, after a few minutes, I eventually gave in and cried with him. Although it was just a few tears and not full blown sob-fest so I kind of won that lol. Anyway, I reassure him that I am ok, that I understand and that I do not hate him. That I knew the chances of this working out with us were slim to none and that despite everything, I do not regret what we shared but wish we had met at a different time so as to not have caused this mess.

 

I thanked him for meeting with me and giving me what few MM would do in a situation like this. (Like another poster on here whose MM just vanished - I don't know how I could have handled that!)

 

I thanked him for being honest and not wanting to keep me in limbo and allowing me to move on. I then did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life: I asked him to please not contact me again b/c I am not strong enough to resist him right now. I asked for no blocked calls, no emails, no links to romantic love songs. I reassured him that I would not reach out in any way but I need him to stay away from me. The look on his face when I said this was something I have never seen. He cried harder than I have ever seen anyone cry and said he can't promise me that b/c he loves me and doesn't want to let me go despite knowing he has to. He kept talking about the hole I would leave in his heart, mind and soul. That I have become a part of him and he has no idea how to work on that without destroying someone else he cares for. I again told him it was ok, that I understood, that he doesn't need to explain or worry about me. I willingly put myself here and I'd be ok.

 

We ended with the most passionate kiss I have ever had, tons of "i love you". And then, after the most intense hour of my effing life!!! A "break up" straight from the cheesiest romance movie you could yhink of- this man says "I can't have you out of my life. My life is with you. I am going to reach out to you once I figure out this phone thing". I said "MM, please don't. it's ok. I am fine. this is what we need to do". He then pulls me out of the car and just hugs and kisses me.

 

And sure enough, as I was typing this dang essay, I get a call from his job. i ignored it. He called again. I answered and he says "I love you. We are going to be ok".

 

Now I can only imagine you judgmental posters are dying to say "I told you so, lostgirl. cheaters never win". and I guess you can but just know I will ignore your comments. What I need now is actual ADVICE. UNDERSTANDING. what the heck is this!? I tried to be mature and understanding of his situation. I didn't ask him to choose me. I didn't tell him to leave. I respected his decision. I refuse to believe this is just a game to him. He could easily go away and stay away. The way he cut off the other girl. I am not making it difficult for him to leave me. I am not threatening him or begging him or forcing him to talk. So what is this? Has anyone had this before? Is he confused?

 

I know I need to stay away. That's a given. And that's my goal! I guess I just want to understand all of this...

[Chica80]

What does it mean?

 

It means he doesn't want to let you go. But he's not choosing you either.

It means nothing will change. He will keep doing what he does. That's all it means.

 

We OW...women in general I think, want to believe the tears and the desperation mean something. That it's this undying passionate never ending love.

 

But ultimately who cares because he's still not choosing to be with you.

 

Actions, Actions Actions.

 

Not words and sad puppy dog eyes.