definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[lostgirl87]

Well I have purposely stayed away from this site for the most part b/c it got to a point where it wasn't helping me but was actually making me even crazier.

 

Now that I have had some time away and some clarity on my own I am able to update y'all: the wife and I spoke again. MM was constantly accusing me of reaching out to her or sending anonymous texts/emails to her when I wasn't. He was driving me crazy with the "i love you but I need to do this but we will talk and be ok" that I had enough and told him "stay away or I will talk to her again". He didn't so I messaged her just to say I had talked to him and had lunch with him but that was the extent of it. She replied that he clearly wants both of us and is lying to us both. She sent me a screenshot of him texting her that he loves her and asked me if I had any. She repeatedly asked me if he says things like that to me and if so, what does he say? I didn't participate in that back and forth b/c frankly, I am not competing for who gets the better "i love you" messages. We ended the conversation with her telling me that if they don't work out, I will be the first person she contacts to let me know. No thanks.

 

He called me the next day about 5 times from a blocked number until I finally answered. He did not allow me to speak but told me that he wasn't upset with me b/c he could tell I was getting to my breaking point and he had pushed me too far, that everything with me was real, that he loves me, that I am his best friend and has never been more of himself with anyone but that we would not be speaking anymore. He told me he loved me once more and then hung up. I emailed him when I found a menu from one of our dates and was feeling nostalgic. I have an email tracker app so I know he opened the email about 6 different times but he didn't respond.

 

Side note: I have this crazy need to get everything off my chest and ask any questions that I feel are unanswered in order to be able to cope. When I was in law school, I went through a difficult time with alcohol and amphetamines and as a result, I "went away" for about a week and did outpatient therapy as well. Since that time, if I don't talk about everything that I am feeling and get the answers to my questions, my anxiety is off the charts and my physical health takes a huge hit. After MM's goodbye call, I spent the next several days not eating, taking 5-6 sleeping pills in a night just to get 4 hours of sleep, and any time that I would try and eat, I would throw it back up. I told him this in an email and he eventually called for my "closure". I tried to talk to him but he was so angry and said "I am only listening. I am done talking to you". I tried to convince him to have an adult conversation and he said "no i am hanging up". And he did. The next day, I tried again to have this last talk and he eventually called. We spoke for about 30 minutes- this time it was a little better although he was still pretty angry. He started bt saying "Im surprised you want to talk to me. Why not speak with Wife since you 2 are apparently best friends now". I told him about the few things that I said to her then changed to talking about he and I.

 

I told him how important he was to me and how I do love him and don't want us hating each other but I do think it is best that we not speak again. I then asked him why he was so angry. Obviously I knew why he was angry but again, I NEED to talk about things. He repeated "I am only listening to you for you to get your closure. I am not talking". I told him this wasn't going to work if he wasn't going to behave like an adult and talk to me. He said "Why? So you can send this to her? Am I being recorded now?" I said "ok so you are upset b/c you feel I betrayed your confidence?" And he said "yes. you said you wouldn't do that again. I told you what was going on, I was honest with you, I just needed you to be patient while I figured everything out. If I was so important to you like you say, why do this again?". I then said "I hear what you are saying and you have valid points. I shouldn't have done that. However, also consider ME and what you have been doing to me since this whole thing happened. I am not your pretty toy that you can pick up when you're bored or confused or need a pick me up. I am a person. I have feelings. You were driving me crazy. I begged you to leave me, to tell me it was over for good and leave me alone and you wouldn't. I was losing my mind. I just reacted". We talked for a while, he was pretty angry but did reaffirm his feelings for me before eventually hanging up.

 

So as of now: we are never speaking again and we are over forever and ever lol. But in all honesty, I don't feel like this is over. I have a feeling that once his "anger" wears off, he will be back. So right now I am working on myself to be strong enough for when that day comes, I can ignore him and really be done with this.

[whichwayisup]

DO you really want it over? Are you completely fed up and tired of this drama, the ups and downs, the pettiness and immaturity of this MM?

 

I hope you're able to get strong so you can end it and get out of this unhealthy and damaging affair.

[lostgirl87]

DO you really want it over? Are you completely fed up and tired of this drama, the ups and downs, the pettiness and immaturity of this MM?

 

I hope you're able to get strong so you can end it and get out of this unhealthy and damaging affair.

If I'm going to be 100% honest with this forum and myself: I still want him in my life. HOWEVER, I don't want this anymore. I don't want the secrets, the up and down, the drama, the lies/half-truths. That I am sick of. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of questioning, I'm tired of needing him in order to feel ok.

 

I need to accept that having him in my life will only continue to bring everything I don't want into my life and that's what I'm working on. I haven't reached out to him in any way and I'm not clinging to my phone wishing for it to ring. One day at a time...

[FoundMyStrength]

If I'm going to be 100% honest with this forum and myself: I still want him in my life. HOWEVER, I don't want this anymore. I don't want the secrets, the up and down, the drama, the lies/half-truths. That I am sick of. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of questioning, I'm tired of needing him in order to feel ok.

 

I need to accept that having him in my life will only continue to bring everything I don't want into my life and that's what I'm working on. I haven't reached out to him in any way and I'm not clinging to my phone wishing for it to ring. One day at a time...

 

Lost girl, I get what you're​ saying here and won't do the usual LS response of beating you over the head with NC, NC, NC.

 

This is, to certain extent, how I feel about xMM. I don't view him as a terrible guy. He made a choice. I wish it had been me, but it wasn't. I'm certainly not waiting for him, but if he came back to my life 100% free and clear, maybe I would consider it. Until then, it's just what you said: don't reach out, don't hope for a call, don't settle for second best (i.e, don't get back into the affair), and generally take it one day at a time. That's all we can do.

[whichwayisup]

If I'm going to be 100% honest with this forum and myself: I still want him in my life. HOWEVER, I don't want this anymore. I don't want the secrets, the up and down, the drama, the lies/half-truths. That I am sick of. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of questioning, I'm tired of needing him in order to feel ok.

 

I need to accept that having him in my life will only continue to bring everything I don't want into my life and that's what I'm working on. I haven't reached out to him in any way and I'm not clinging to my phone wishing for it to ring. One day at a time...

 

You can't have him in your life anymore. How can you get over him, grieve the loss, get him out of your heart and head by having him in your life? Even casually. Keep telling yourself that and you'll get stronger each day. Really allow yourself to cry and grieve the loss. Don't be afraid of feeling that pain.

[Eight]

If I'm going to be 100% honest with this forum and myself: I still want him in my life. HOWEVER, I don't want this anymore. I don't want the secrets, the up and down, the drama, the lies/half-truths. That I am sick of. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of questioning, I'm tired of needing him in order to feel ok.

 

I need to accept that having him in my life will only continue to bring everything I don't want into my life and that's what I'm working on. I haven't reached out to him in any way and I'm not clinging to my phone wishing for it to ring. One day at a time...

 

Lost Girl,

I hope you find yourself. Your self-worth again. The idea of "working on it" is good. But not having him in your life isn't something you work on. He either is a part of your life or he is not a part of it. It's like an alcoholic. You can't have the alcohol. It does sound like you are addicted according to your post; "needing" him to feel okay.

 

I know you don't want to hear the same old; and I wonder if that's why you've avoided coming here. I think deep in your heart and soul you know what you have to do. You have to think of him as dead. Gone. Over. It will never happen. You have to WORK ON you. Your life; your future. Without any thought of possibility of it being with him. And that's not a pleasant thing to do. I know. I wrote in my journal nearly the EXACT same words before I finally ended it. It sucks. It's hard. It's sad and you wonder why you f'd up your life like this.

 

Perhaps you could tell yourself 6 months of absolute NC? To give yourself a gift. A gift of being there for you. YOU putting YOU first for a change. Not waiting or depending on someone else to give you value. See how you feel then? I think you'll see you are much stronger emotionally after 6 months and feel so much healthier that you'll keep going...

 

For me, I've had to mourn the loss of what I thought could be. Love isn't always enough. It was like a death. It is still like that. The sting is still there but it's not making me feel like I'm out of my mind. Desperate. It's slowly fading.

 

I am sorry for you. But I do believe you will be a stronger person once you allow yourself to walk through the pain of truly letting go. Something better is waiting for you; but you have to stop holding on to what is so obviously not working.

 

Love should not be that hard. And Lost Girl; you deserve so much more.

[lostgirl87]

Got a call from MM: he claimed that I was harassing/calling/emailing/texting the wife and at work. I don't know where she works, I haven't contacted her at all. We ended up yelling at each other and talking over each other. He essentially threatened me that if I didn't stop, he could make my life hell too. I told him I was sick of this and will call the wife to straighten this out b/c nobody threatens me for BS I haven't done.

 

I called her and told her "look, I don't know what's going on but I am not calling you or trying to contact you in any way so please figure your relationship out without me." Her voice was shaky and she said "oh so someone is just saying it's you and that you and him are still talking and seeing each other?" And I said "I don't know what's going on or if you're even getting calls like that but I'm telling you so there's no confusion- he and I are not speaking, we are not seeing each other, we are done! I am gone so figure things out between the 2 of you". She then got all emotional and saying how I'm responsible for her hurting and this is all my fault and blah blah. Frankly I am done punishing myself and feeling bad for her. I did what I did but I tried to walk away. Her husband is the issue and now that she can't trust him, she is resorting to childish and borderline psychotic tricks and I'm not doing it.

 

I told him I was going to call her so after I talked to her I told him what I said: I didn't even tell her that we had talked for "closure" b/c I am not trying to drag this out. He wrote me saying he doesn't know who to believe anymore. This is INSANE.

 

I wish they'd focus on their healing or whatever they want to do. I'm not in the picture, i haven't seen him, we haven't been physical in months. I'm no longer the problem so I hope she can leave me out of it. It's clear that she's making all of this up to get what she thinks is the truth out of him and to make him hate me even more. Ughhhhh I'm so annoyed.

[whichwayisup]

ALL of you are addicted to the drama (so it seems!)! He is playing you both and loving the reaction around him.

 

Change your number, block him on all social media. Be done with him.

[lostgirl87]

Lost Girl,

I hope you find yourself. Your self-worth again. The idea of "working on it" is good. But not having him in your life isn't something you work on. He either is a part of your life or he is not a part of it. It's like an alcoholic. You can't have the alcohol. It does sound like you are addicted according to your post; "needing" him to feel okay.

 

I know you don't want to hear the same old; and I wonder if that's why you've avoided coming here. I think deep in your heart and soul you know what you have to do. You have to think of him as dead. Gone. Over. It will never happen. You have to WORK ON you. Your life; your future. Without any thought of possibility of it being with him. And that's not a pleasant thing to do. I know. I wrote in my journal nearly the EXACT same words before I finally ended it. It sucks. It's hard. It's sad and you wonder why you f'd up your life like this.

 

Perhaps you could tell yourself 6 months of absolute NC? To give yourself a gift. A gift of being there for you. YOU putting YOU first for a change. Not waiting or depending on someone else to give you value. See how you feel then? I think you'll see you are much stronger emotionally after 6 months and feel so much healthier that you'll keep going...

 

For me, I've had to mourn the loss of what I thought could be. Love isn't always enough. It was like a death. It is still like that. The sting is still there but it's not making me feel like I'm out of my mind. Desperate. It's slowly fading.

 

I am sorry for you. But I do believe you will be a stronger person once you allow yourself to walk through the pain of truly letting go. Something better is waiting for you; but you have to stop holding on to what is so obviously not working.

 

Love should not be that hard. And Lost Girl; you deserve so much more.

Thank you so much for your post and encouraging, supportive words.

 

When I say "working on it" I mean getting my heart to match my rational thought. I know he needs to be out of my life and he is. We haven't talked and definitely haven't seen each other. In my mind I know it's over. I want it to be over. This stress and anxiety is just not worth it!

 

I wish there was a pill I could take to stop feeling or thinking about this. I wish I. Like fast forward the next few months and be in a better place. I know I'll get over him and be okay. I don't think I'll always be in love with him or always think of him and yearn for him. It's just a matter of time. And time takes too long :/

[lostgirl87]

ALL of you are addicted to the drama (so it seems!)! He is playing you both and loving the reaction around him.

 

Change your number, block him on all social media. Be done with him.

I honestly think he's just stupid lol. He can't see that she is lying and making stuff up and he's too much of a b1tch to take a stand. I told him to ask for the supposed emails and the number that she is getting texts from. If it were me, it would come from my number. I am not hiding.

 

i honestly hate the drama. I've never had it in my life. It stresses me out. But I'm sick of allowing myself to be treated like dirt simply b/c I engaged in the affair. YES I was WRONG to get involved. Absolutely. But I've owned it. Nobody gets to make things up or threaten me for things that I haven't done. I want to be left alone. I've left them alone so they need to do the same.

[donbar]

LG, you are in a position now to get angry about his and her behavior. Use it. Realize that he is easily manipulated by his W and your future with him is over. Get as far away from their toxicity as possible (I might have made that word up;)

 

When things between my OW and I started to go wrong she resorted to talking to her friends about me. They sowed some dreadful lies about me, that I was a serial cheater, that I was just a cake-eater, that I couldn't possibly love her. It hurt me terribly. I've never stopped loving her and always will. Just know we will never be.

 

Other people will try to help, in your case his W is trying to influence him by telling lies. If you really were calling wouldn't there be phone records or evidence?

 

Leave him alone. He isn't smart enough for you.

[lostgirl87]

LG, you are in a position now to get angry about his and her behavior. Use it. Realize that he is easily manipulated by his W and your future with him is over. Get as far away from their toxicity as possible (I might have made that word up;)

 

When things between my OW and I started to go wrong she resorted to talking to her friends about me. They sowed some dreadful lies about me, that I was a serial cheater, that I was just a cake-eater, that I couldn't possibly love her. It hurt me terribly. I've never stopped loving her and always will. Just know we will never be.

 

Other people will try to help, in your case his W is trying to influence him by telling lies. If you really were calling wouldn't there be phone records or evidence?

 

Leave him alone. He isn't smart enough for you.

That's the thing: I had left him alone. We had our closure talk and we haven't spoken.

 

I know the fact that I have exposed the affair to her before doesn't give me the best credibility so I can see why he would believe that I reached back out to her. I'm sure after talking to me he will ask for the proof of what she received. He's all over the place!

[donbar]

So what is your plan?

[lostgirl87]

So what is your plan?

I have no plan. There's nothing I can do and nothing I want to do. I just want all of this to stop. Everyone is confused and emotional and I can't with all of this.

[waterwoman]

curious as to why you think she is lying? You aren't sending her messages but perhaps someone else is? It seems an odd thing to lie about. Does anyone else know enough to be doing this just to upset her, cause trouble for you or just create a bit more mayhem.

[lostgirl87]

Then maybe get a plan to move forward with your life.

 

Life is too short to wait around for anyone.

Oh yeah absolutely. i read the question as if I was being asked what my plan was with regard to MM. that's what I have no plan for b/c there's nothing I want to do in terms of him. This is too messy and I want no part.

 

My reason for even calling her today was to defend myself. I will not allow anyone to think that I'm harassing or stalking them. I have to make it clear that I am not calling her or contacting her in any way. I really want nothing more to do with this situation.

[MJJean]

You know, it's entirely possible someone is contacting/harassing the wife. Maybe a past or present different OW? Could be he's screwed/is screwing around more than either you or the wife know about and he has other chickens coming home to roost.

[Starswillshine]

The OW harassed me. Still is. She changes her number through an app. Sometimes it is just a phone call with no one there. Sometimes it is texts with details she doesn't think I know. Etc. Sometimes it is drum up drama.

 

In the past, when they were in contact, I guess she was telling him the same. I was making it all up to cause drama and make sure he hates her. So I started to keep the proof. Eventually, he saw it for what it was. I realized in the past, when she would randomly send me these emails seething about things, when I told him about it, he thought I was embellishing. So finally, I just showed it all. All directly from her email itself.

[lostgirl87]

You know, it's entirely possible someone is contacting/harassing the wife. Maybe a past or present different OW? Could be he's screwed/is screwing around more than either you or the wife know about and he has other chickens coming home to roost.

I considered that. However she said that this person that is supposedly contacting her is me. That I'm telling her he and I are still seeing each other and speaking to each other. No one is contacting her- she's making it up. She thinks she's sneaky and will find out "the truth" this way and she wants him to hate me and see me as some crazy psycho.

[lostgirl87]

The OW harassed me. Still is. She changes her number through an app. Sometimes it is just a phone call with no one there. Sometimes it is texts with details she doesn't think I know. Etc. Sometimes it is drum up drama.

 

In the past, when they were in contact, I guess she was telling him the same. I was making it all up to cause drama and make sure he hates her. So I started to keep the proof. Eventually, he saw it for what it was. I realized in the past, when she would randomly send me these emails seething about things, when I told him about it, he thought I was embellishing. So finally, I just showed it all. All directly from her email itself.

Well I'm sorry that happened/is happening to you. However I'm not contacting his wife. When I have, I've said it was me and eventually texted or called from my own number. I don't have her email address and I don't know where she works. I wish she would keep the proof since that would show it's not me.

[Starswillshine]

Well I'm sorry that happened/is happening to you. However I'm not contacting his wife. When I have, I've said it was me and eventually texted or called from my own number. I don't have her email address and I don't know where she works. I wish she would keep the proof since that would show it's not me.

 

What I am saying is that even with proof that isn't your phone number, she can still claim it is you. As there are many apps out there that allow you to change your number at will.

 

Disengage. Not your circus, not your monkeys. He is married. Chosen to stay with his wife. Who cares if he hates you? Let him... makes it easier for you. More he hates you, the more he will stay away.

[BTDT2012]

Well I'm sorry that happened/is happening to you. However I'm not contacting his wife. When I have, I've said it was me and eventually texted or called from my own number. I don't have her email address and I don't know where she works. I wish she would keep the proof since that would show it's not me.

 

You are an intelligent woman. If nothing else, this should tell you definitively that his wife is his priority. The call to her was totally unnecessary, just a continuation of the drama. Block both of them. They are part of your past, not your future.

[lostgirl87]

What I am saying is that even with proof that isn't your phone number, she can still claim it is you. As there are many apps out there that allow you to change your number at will.

 

Disengage. Not your circus, not your monkeys. He is married. Chosen to stay with his wife. Who cares if he hates you? Let him... makes it easier for you. More he hates you, the more he will stay away.

Well I do care if he hates me. More importantly, I'm concerned that her lies will get me into some kind of trouble. It's one thing if I am contacting her but when I haven't and I'm being painted as someone who is stalking or harassing another, that's a big deal.

 

But oh well, nothing I can do now.

[lostgirl87]

You are an intelligent woman. If nothing else, this should tell you definitively that his wife is his priority. The call to her was totally unnecessary, just a continuation of the drama. Block both of them. They are part of your past, not your future.

The call to her was in response to the the call I received. If either of them are thinking that I am doing these things, that could result in legal trouble for me or at the minimum, rumors that I'm a stalker or something like that. That's my issue with this. I called her b/c if she IS getting these calls, it needs to be clear that it isn't me and I have nothing left to say and I have no contact with her husband. But I know she isn't getting any calls b/c I haven't seen or talked to him and I definitely haven't reached out to her.

 

He appears to have realized that it isn't true which is good. At least that means they won't try any legal action against me which again, is my biggest fear.

[Starswillshine]

The call to her was in response to the the call I received. If either of them are thinking that I am doing these things, that could result in legal trouble for me or at the minimum, rumors that I'm a stalker or something like that. That's my issue with this. I called her b/c if she IS getting these calls, it needs to be clear that it isn't me and I have nothing left to say and I have no contact with her husband. But I know she isn't getting any calls b/c I haven't seen or talked to him and I definitely haven't reached out to her.

 

He appears to have realized that it isn't true which is good. At least that means they won't try any legal action against me which again, is my biggest fear.

 

Except you HAVE talked to him.

 

And if you were afraid of legal issues, then you should know that contacting her wpuld be an issue. You would stay away. Completely from her. Now she has you calling her. Phone records can prove that. If it isn't true, then she would have no proof of contact. You then gave it to her.

 

Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement here.