definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[lostgirl87]

How are you today lostgirl.... i've been following your thread and am thinking about you. it is such a hard time...

To be completely honest, I'm not doing that great. At least not today. I have moments/days where I feel good. I can handle not taking to him and the fact that it's over. Then there are other days where all I want to do is cry and I walk around with a knot in my stomach. I'm so ready to not feel this way. I want to get over him and not dwell on this anymore but it's hard. I really thought we were going to make it. I thought he loved me.

 

I've said this a million times but the hardest part for me is the loss of our friendship. He was everything to me. The first and last person I talked to every day. Everything that happened in our day we shared with each other. It's really hard. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss someone. Sometimes i just want to show up at his job and hug him. I don't want to feel this way anymore ?

[lostgirl87]

Has it ever occurred to you that he just barely keeps you hooked... just in case his wife someday/some year decides to divorce him?

 

It's like you're his "just in case she leaves me" gal... I hope you end his hopes of you being his backup plan.

Yeah I can see that. But honestly he's barely talked to me. I'm pretty sure he wants to be completely done with me which is fine I guess. If he's not going to be with me fully then nothing is best.

[reed1971]

Im sorry to hear that lostgirl. I'm having one of those days too... my situation is very similar to yours... and like you I thought we were different and that we were going to make it.

It is such an empty feeling... and when you are in it it can feel like it will never ever leave. I just try to keep reminding myself that this will pass, like everything does eventually, and I know that the only way to the other side is to go right through the middle and feel the pain. But today I just wish the pain would go away. I long to feel happy, carefree and full of life again.... I'm sure we will both get there. It is nice not to feel so alone

Rach

[donbar]

Not that it's any consolation, but I was the MM and I feel exactly the same.

[Vivir]

Lostgirl, Reed, Donbar... after so long allowing this type of empty feeling to come through and really feel it, I have found that I sometimes actively force myself to think about something else when it comes up. If the feeling is very strong and I feel very bad, I just go with it - that's when the sad breakup music is helpful. If the thoughts are not accompanied by distraught feelings, I actively try to change the subject in my mind. Even if I have to think about something as simple as a possible rearrangement of my living room furniture or the shower curtain I should've replaced two weeks ago...

 

There are so many layers sometimes of processing the end of an A. Right now, I have found that the person I am especially angry with is myself. For a woman who thinks too much, I should've been able to think my way to avoiding this situation. But that didn't happen.

 

This week, I am feeling much better than the last three weeks. I have been more objective. I screamed out last weekend, HE USED ME!! And then I calmly said to myself, "Well, if we're being honest, you used him, too..." I have to own that.

 

Over the next few days, the 30-day mark of full on NO CONTACT will arrive.. not LC, but full on NC. I have decided on an event that is a physical manifestation of this person being out of my life, and it includes a massage and a chemical peel.

[jenkins95]

Lostgirl just read your recent updates and felt you deserved a (((hug))). I feel your fragility and vulnerability through your posts, but at the same time you're being so brave. You are great - you can do this - I promise! x

 

Like Donbar, I was an MM and I concur that there are no winners in affairs. My wife and I are reconciling and it's going well, but I feel like a shell of the man I was. It's also had a big cost to my wife and I'm sure the OW too. I wish her all the very best. We will get there. We all will, with each other's support.

 

Some great support in this thread guys - keep them coming.

.

Edited June 2, 2017 by jenkins95

[reed1971]

Lostgirl, Reed, Donbar... after so long allowing this type of empty feeling to come through and really feel it, I have found that I sometimes actively force myself to think about something else when it comes up. If the feeling is very strong and I feel very bad, I just go with it - that's when the sad breakup music is helpful. If the thoughts are not accompanied by distraught feelings, I actively try to change the subject in my mind. Even if I have to think about something as simple as a possible rearrangement of my living room furniture or the shower curtain I should've replaced two weeks ago...

 

There are so many layers sometimes of processing the end of an A. Right now, I have found that the person I am especially angry with is myself. For a woman who thinks too much, I should've been able to think my way to avoiding this situation. But that didn't happen.

 

This week, I am feeling much better than the last three weeks. I have been more objective. I screamed out last weekend, HE USED ME!! And then I calmly said to myself, "Well, if we're being honest, you used him, too..." I have to own that.

 

Over the next few days, the 30-day mark of full on NO CONTACT will arrive.. not LC, but full on NC. I have decided on an event that is a physical manifestation of this person being out of my life, and it includes a massage and a chemical peel.

Thanks for your post Vivir.... it was really nice to hear that someone is feeling a little better after a month. Like you I am trying to not fight the feelings... to feel them... let them come and let them go. And like you I am an over-thinker... I should have been able to avoid this situation if I had just opened my eyes.

 

But the reality is I am a trusting person. While I know this can lead to heartache and people taking advantage of you it is a quality I am mostly proud of. I sense you are the same.... and I hope that does not change.

 

While it would be wise for me to be a little more discerning in the future, I will not give up hope that there are thousands of beautiful trustworthy and single people out there.

[Eight]

 

I've said this a million times but the hardest part for me is the loss of our friendship. He was everything to me. The first and last person I talked to every day. Everything that happened in our day we shared with each other. It's really hard. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss someone. Sometimes i just want to show up at his job and hug him. I don't want to feel this way anymore ?

 

I can so relate to you. I felt this way too. At first. Wrote the same thing in my journal. And honestly, I never thought in a million years I'd regret the whole thing the way I do now. Like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; I would erase it. It wasn't friendship. It was a codependent, selfish ever lasting scaring experience that I will never be able to rid myself of. I compromised my integrity and my soul. That's not love or friendship. No matter which way you spin it. I felt like he and I were soulmates. Seriously. I felt like I lost my soulmate. I certainly lost myself.

 

I am willing to bet as time goes on, and it seems to take FOREVER, with one step forward and then a couple steps back every so often; but I bet you will start to see it for what it was. I see my affair as a mixed up, perverted, deceptive soul sucking time in my life. A "friendship" at the cost of my soul. At the cost of hurting others. F that. It sucks, but you will get there. One day at at time, it will fade...

[reed1971]

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you Lostgirl.

[lostgirl87]

Hello again everyone-

 

I figured I'd check in and give a little update. Not much has changed. We haven't talked in person or over the phone. Almost a week ago there was a quick email exchange but nothing other than that.

 

MM had responded to an email I sent when I was in my super down & weak moments and essentially said that he doesn't hate me and never will, that it just has to be this way b/c he has to do this blah blah. I made the mistake of responding and said that I understood and that it's ok and that I'm glad he doesn't hate me. Here's where I got very stupid: I told him to not feel bad, that I don't want to go back to what we were doing and that I am even dating so he has no need to feel badly for me. Well he responded saying "Then do me a favor and focus all your attention on your boyfriend. Talk to him go out with him hang out with him but don't reach out to me. Go hit him up and be with him".

 

It genuinely wasn't my intention to upset him. I said that to reassure him that I was fine and wasn't trying to start our relationship back up. Oops.

 

Moving on: several months ago, the wife made some comments about MM and I's friendship. From that point, he blocked me on facebook. Late last week, after the emails, I see his name pop up on a mutual friend's comments. I know for a fact that I was blocked just days before that so I know he unblocked me for a reason. Now, I am ashamed to admit this and I can only imagine the judgment and attacks I will get for this but I got very petty. I went out over the weekend with friends and added photos and made them public. I KNOW! I am so ashamed! How childish can I be!?

 

I know he continues to open emails from me. And I know it's him b/c it's usually during work hours and I get the location of where the person is who opens it on my app. I know everyone will say to block him and not care but I haven't gotten there yet. His number is blocked but that's about it. He hasn't actually reached out to me so that's helped. I haven't emailed him since a day or 2 after that exchange so that's something.

 

I know I am not handling this in the best or healthiest way but this is my process. It's not my first breakup. I've gotten over people before. I just need to do it my way and one day I will get there. I feel better knowing that he is thinking of me enough to re-read my old messages. I also feel better knowing he felt the need to unblock me to try and see what I was up to after those emails. I just like knowing that he's feeling this too. That he hasn't been able to move on as easily as it seems.

 

SO that's really all I have in terms of updates.

 

As far as how I am actually feeling? I have good days and bad days. I have days where I wake up and I am ok with what's happening. I KNOW it needs to happen. this should have happened a long time ago. Even if he and I were to have ever had a future, he had to wrap up the marriage. There was no way to do that with me being in his life. Most days I don't cry. I stay away from looking at pictures of him/us or listening to sad songs or anything that reminds me of him. As long as I stay away from those things I can make it through the day feeling good and with no tears.

 

But then there are the bad days - the days where I wake up and feel like I can't breathe b/c he is gone. Days where it seems like hours have gone by but it's only been 15 minutes. Days where I obsessively relive our last conversations and overthink any little thing. But luckily, the good days outweigh the bad. Most of the time I can snap myself out of it and get back to my life.

 

I truly love him and I know what we had was real. But I don't think he's ruined me or that I will never move on from him. I experienced a lot of great things with him and learned a lot about myself. I know that if I ever get married and get cheated on, I wouldn't be able to forgive b/c knowing my husband did what MM did with me would be soul-crushing and having been on the other side, I could never look at my husband the same way. I have learned what things to look out for and that red flags should not be ignored in the beginning. I learned that I have the capacity to love and fight for that love but I also learned that one should never sacrifice oneself for that love.

 

I'll recover. It's just one day at a time...

Edited June 8, 2017 by lostgirl87

[lostgirl87]

I did stop...if you read above, i said I haven't contacted him since a day after we emailed each other. in response to his email. How is that embarrassing myself?

[Jemima1234]

Hello again everyone-

 

I figured I'd check in and give a little update. Not much has changed. We haven't talked in person or over the phone. Almost a week ago there was a quick email exchange but nothing other than that.

 

MM had responded to an email I sent when I was in my super down & weak moments and essentially said that he doesn't hate me and never will, that it just has to be this way b/c he has to do this blah blah. I made the mistake of responding and said that I understood and that it's ok and that I'm glad he doesn't hate me. Here's where I got very stupid: I told him to not feel bad, that I don't want to go back to what we were doing and that I am even dating so he has no need to feel badly for me. Well he responded saying "Then do me a favor and focus all your attention on your boyfriend. Talk to him go out with him hang out with him but don't reach out to me. Go hit him up and be with him".

 

It genuinely wasn't my intention to upset him. I said that to reassure him that I was fine and wasn't trying to start our relationship back up. Oops.

 

Moving on: several months ago, the wife made some comments about MM and I's friendship. From that point, he blocked me on facebook. Late last week, after the emails, I see his name pop up on a mutual friend's comments. I know for a fact that I was blocked just days before that so I know he unblocked me for a reason. Now, I am ashamed to admit this and I can only imagine the judgment and attacks I will get for this but I got very petty. I went out over the weekend with friends and added photos and made them public. I KNOW! I am so ashamed! How childish can I be!?

 

I know he continues to open emails from me. And I know it's him b/c it's usually during work hours and I get the location of where the person is who opens it on my app. I know everyone will say to block him and not care but I haven't gotten there yet. His number is blocked but that's about it. He hasn't actually reached out to me so that's helped. I haven't emailed him since a day or 2 after that exchange so that's something.

 

I know I am not handling this in the best or healthiest way but this is my process. It's not my first breakup. I've gotten over people before. I just need to do it my way and one day I will get there. I feel better knowing that he is thinking of me enough to re-read my old messages. I also feel better knowing he felt the need to unblock me to try and see what I was up to after those emails. I just like knowing that he's feeling this too. That he hasn't been able to move on as easily as it seems.

 

SO that's really all I have in terms of updates.

 

As far as how I am actually feeling? I have good days and bad days. I have days where I wake up and I am ok with what's happening. I KNOW it needs to happen. this should have happened a long time ago. Even if he and I were to have ever had a future, he had to wrap up the marriage. There was no way to do that with me being in his life. Most days I don't cry. I stay away from looking at pictures of him/us or listening to sad songs or anything that reminds me of him. As long as I stay away from those things I can make it through the day feeling good and with no tears.

 

But then there are the bad days - the days where I wake up and feel like I can't breathe b/c he is gone. Days where it seems like hours have gone by but it's only been 15 minutes. Days where I obsessively relive our last conversations and overthink any little thing. But luckily, the good days outweigh the bad. Most of the time I can snap myself out of it and get back to my life.

 

I truly love him and I know what we had was real. But I don't think he's ruined me or that I will never move on from him. I experienced a lot of great things with him and learned a lot about myself. I know that if I ever get married and get cheated on, I wouldn't be able to forgive b/c knowing my husband did what MM did with me would be soul-crushing and having been on the other side, I could never look at my husband the same way. I have learned what things to look out for and that red flags should not be ignored in the beginning. I learned that I have the capacity to love and fight for that love but I also learned that one should never sacrifice oneself for that love.

 

I'll recover. It's just one day at a time...

 

Stay strong and keep going. I totally get the liking the fact he doesn't find this totally easy - and actually I think you are doing remarkably well. Be proud of each step you are taking. I wish I was where you are - and beyond!!!

[Starswillshine]

3 steps forward, 2 steps back is still forward progress. It will take awhile before you don't care about what he is doing. Healing isn't linear. Just keep moving forward.

 

You got this.

[lostgirl87]

Stay strong and keep going. I totally get the liking the fact he doesn't find this totally easy - and actually I think you are doing remarkably well. Be proud of each step you are taking. I wish I was where you are - and beyond!!!

 

3 steps forward, 2 steps back is still forward progress. It will take awhile before you don't care about what he is doing. Healing isn't linear. Just keep moving forward.

 

You got this.

 

Thank y'all both so much! It's so nice when I get actual support. This is definitely a process and there is nobody out there who has ever gone through a breakup, ANY breakup, and not had a few setbacks.

 

If at first you don't succeed, try again

[Purepony]

Block him on everything because those small bread crumbs don't help you heal

[Eight]

It IS a process, and you ARE succeeding. Eventually those soul-crushing, I-can't-breathe-days will be few and far between and will only be little moments here and there. You are getting stronger and I can tell even by the tone of your posts, you are not where you were earlier.

 

You are less lostgirl and more like; movinginapositivedirectiongirl. (hugs)

[lostgirl87]

It IS a process, and you ARE succeeding. Eventually those soul-crushing, I-can't-breathe-days will be few and far between and will only be little moments here and there. You are getting stronger and I can tell even by the tone of your posts, you are not where you were earlier.

 

You are less lostgirl and more like; movinginapositivedirectiongirl. (hugs)

Aww thank you! That's so sweet! I'll agree with you: I don't feel as lost anymore.

 

I went back to read my earlier posts and yes, I was a mess. A bigger mess than I am now lol. Ive made progress b/c there's no more back and forth. I'm no longer wondering about what's going to happen or how long I'll have to wait.

 

As of now, it's over and I've gone back to making myself a priority. I've always been a naturally selfish person so it feels good to go back to that a little bit haha. I'm partially kidding by the way.

[donbar]

I think you are doing great. What I have found is that I needed to forgive myself. You need to do the same. You need to put it all where it belongs; in the past. You know you love him and you KNOW that he loves you, but his priority is with his W. You guys will never make it, so embrace what you had, cherish the memories, forgive yourself, and then move on. It's taken me an age to realize this but I am getting better day by day. Some bad days, some good, but a general improvement.

[lostgirl87]

I think you are doing great. What I have found is that I needed to forgive myself. You need to do the same. You need to put it all where it belongs; in the past. You know you love him and you KNOW that he loves you, but his priority is with his W. You guys will never make it, so embrace what you had, cherish the memories, forgive yourself, and then move on. It's taken me an age to realize this but I am getting better day by day. Some bad days, some good, but a general improvement.

I've gotta be honest: I can't think "we will never happen or we will never work". For me, that's too overwhelming right now. My mentality is "we are not together right now so focus on you and do what you need to do for yourself b/c he is doing what he needs to do". To tell myself he is gone forever and I will never ever see or hear from him again kills me. It does me more damage to think that way.

 

I know some people mean well by saying that but it doesn't work for me. I have to keep it in the moment b/c looking too far ahead is scary. I'm not holding out hope but I can't say "never". It's too overwhelming.

[donbar]

Fair enough. But I think you should try and forgive yourself for all the pain the two of you have caused to the three of you. And you have got to accept that he has made a decision. He told you to go out and enjoy your new relationship. He wants to release you.

I found some fantastic blogs about affair recovery, how to get over your AP, how to approach life more positively. They really helped me.

[lostgirl87]

Fair enough. But I think you should try and forgive yourself for all the pain the two of you have caused to the three of you. And you have got to accept that he has made a decision. He told you to go out and enjoy your new relationship. He wants to release you.

I found some fantastic blogs about affair recovery, how to get over your AP, how to approach life more positively. They really helped me.

I don't feel that badly to be honest. I'm not punishing myself or beating myself up about it. Maybe that's heartless but I'm just being real. It's not my proudest moment but it happened. Nothing I can do about it now and I can't say that I regret it.

 

I know he's made a decision. I'm not confused or wondering what's going to happen. As far as him telling me to enjoy my relationship, that wasn't sincere lol. That's how he acts when he's jealous. After that is when he sent me love song lyrics and continues to open old emails. He is doing what he needs to be doing which is seeing if the marriage can be saved. It's what we agreed needed to happen and I need to be 100% gone. I'm content with that. Even if we would have ever worked, it would only happen after him knowing for sure that the marriage was over. Whatever happens with them is on them. I can only work on myself.

[lostgirl87]

Hey y'all,

 

Is it possible to be "just friends" or even acquaintances after an affair? Just a refresh: I spilled the beans to MM's wife twice in a terrible attempt to get out of limbo (with a touch of revenge the first time). Obviously his wife doesn't know we still speak and I have no intention of telling her anything this time around b.c I just don't want the drama. MM and I have NOT seen each other in weeks, we are both adamant that we won't see each other and obviously won't be physical. Every now and then we get a little "lovey" with each other via text but we don't say "I love you" often. We both agree that we want to be friends and we don't want to be out of each other's lives. We don't discuss "us", his marriage, my dating or anything like that b/c it causes us to fight and honestly there's still jealousy there from both of us. We are not over each other by any means but I think we are both really trying, we just don't want to let the friendship go completely.

 

Please refrain from the judgmental, holier than thou comments. I'm asking a genuine question and I'd prefer to hear from APs since they'd have actual experience in this. Not trying to be mean

[RecentChange]

No.... You can't just be friends.

 

That line was crossed long ago and there is no going back.

 

He is still lying to his wife about you. You are both still addicted to the attention etc.

 

Again, no you can't just be friends....

 

I am a cheater, I know.

[Chica80]

No its not possible, there's too much emotions pull/push jealousy etc. It can't work.

[Blu72]

Short answer - no.