definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[Purepony]

Block him on everything because those small bread crumbs don't help you heal

[Eight]

It IS a process, and you ARE succeeding. Eventually those soul-crushing, I-can't-breathe-days will be few and far between and will only be little moments here and there. You are getting stronger and I can tell even by the tone of your posts, you are not where you were earlier.

 

You are less lostgirl and more like; movinginapositivedirectiongirl. (hugs)

[lostgirl87]

It IS a process, and you ARE succeeding. Eventually those soul-crushing, I-can't-breathe-days will be few and far between and will only be little moments here and there. You are getting stronger and I can tell even by the tone of your posts, you are not where you were earlier.

 

You are less lostgirl and more like; movinginapositivedirectiongirl. (hugs)

Aww thank you! That's so sweet! I'll agree with you: I don't feel as lost anymore.

 

I went back to read my earlier posts and yes, I was a mess. A bigger mess than I am now lol. Ive made progress b/c there's no more back and forth. I'm no longer wondering about what's going to happen or how long I'll have to wait.

 

As of now, it's over and I've gone back to making myself a priority. I've always been a naturally selfish person so it feels good to go back to that a little bit haha. I'm partially kidding by the way.

[donbar]

I think you are doing great. What I have found is that I needed to forgive myself. You need to do the same. You need to put it all where it belongs; in the past. You know you love him and you KNOW that he loves you, but his priority is with his W. You guys will never make it, so embrace what you had, cherish the memories, forgive yourself, and then move on. It's taken me an age to realize this but I am getting better day by day. Some bad days, some good, but a general improvement.

[lostgirl87]

I think you are doing great. What I have found is that I needed to forgive myself. You need to do the same. You need to put it all where it belongs; in the past. You know you love him and you KNOW that he loves you, but his priority is with his W. You guys will never make it, so embrace what you had, cherish the memories, forgive yourself, and then move on. It's taken me an age to realize this but I am getting better day by day. Some bad days, some good, but a general improvement.

I've gotta be honest: I can't think "we will never happen or we will never work". For me, that's too overwhelming right now. My mentality is "we are not together right now so focus on you and do what you need to do for yourself b/c he is doing what he needs to do". To tell myself he is gone forever and I will never ever see or hear from him again kills me. It does me more damage to think that way.

 

I know some people mean well by saying that but it doesn't work for me. I have to keep it in the moment b/c looking too far ahead is scary. I'm not holding out hope but I can't say "never". It's too overwhelming.

[donbar]

Fair enough. But I think you should try and forgive yourself for all the pain the two of you have caused to the three of you. And you have got to accept that he has made a decision. He told you to go out and enjoy your new relationship. He wants to release you.

I found some fantastic blogs about affair recovery, how to get over your AP, how to approach life more positively. They really helped me.

[lostgirl87]

Fair enough. But I think you should try and forgive yourself for all the pain the two of you have caused to the three of you. And you have got to accept that he has made a decision. He told you to go out and enjoy your new relationship. He wants to release you.

I found some fantastic blogs about affair recovery, how to get over your AP, how to approach life more positively. They really helped me.

I don't feel that badly to be honest. I'm not punishing myself or beating myself up about it. Maybe that's heartless but I'm just being real. It's not my proudest moment but it happened. Nothing I can do about it now and I can't say that I regret it.

 

I know he's made a decision. I'm not confused or wondering what's going to happen. As far as him telling me to enjoy my relationship, that wasn't sincere lol. That's how he acts when he's jealous. After that is when he sent me love song lyrics and continues to open old emails. He is doing what he needs to be doing which is seeing if the marriage can be saved. It's what we agreed needed to happen and I need to be 100% gone. I'm content with that. Even if we would have ever worked, it would only happen after him knowing for sure that the marriage was over. Whatever happens with them is on them. I can only work on myself.

[lostgirl87]

Hey y'all,

 

Is it possible to be "just friends" or even acquaintances after an affair? Just a refresh: I spilled the beans to MM's wife twice in a terrible attempt to get out of limbo (with a touch of revenge the first time). Obviously his wife doesn't know we still speak and I have no intention of telling her anything this time around b.c I just don't want the drama. MM and I have NOT seen each other in weeks, we are both adamant that we won't see each other and obviously won't be physical. Every now and then we get a little "lovey" with each other via text but we don't say "I love you" often. We both agree that we want to be friends and we don't want to be out of each other's lives. We don't discuss "us", his marriage, my dating or anything like that b/c it causes us to fight and honestly there's still jealousy there from both of us. We are not over each other by any means but I think we are both really trying, we just don't want to let the friendship go completely.

 

Please refrain from the judgmental, holier than thou comments. I'm asking a genuine question and I'd prefer to hear from APs since they'd have actual experience in this. Not trying to be mean

[RecentChange]

No.... You can't just be friends.

 

That line was crossed long ago and there is no going back.

 

He is still lying to his wife about you. You are both still addicted to the attention etc.

 

Again, no you can't just be friends....

 

I am a cheater, I know.

[Chica80]

No its not possible, there's too much emotions pull/push jealousy etc. It can't work.

[Blu72]

Short answer - no.

[somanymistakes]

Considering that you're talking to him in secret, I'd say it's clear that no, you can't really be "just" friends. It still will count as an emotional affair, with all the push and pull and excitement.

 

You may or may not manage to avoid having sex again, but if you keep in contact it's quite likely that someday, eventually, you will fall into bed together again.

 

Imagine that this wasn't an affair and that it was a normal relationship which had just had a messy breakup. Would you expect to be able to be just friends immediately? Or would that pretty obviously be a problem? I do believe that (normal) exes can be friends, but not right away! They need time to disconnect and re-establish boundaries.

 

By keeping up a secret connection with him, you're intentionally not re-establishing boundaries.

[whichwayisup]

No, it's impossible to be friends with him. You'll never get over him, your feelings for him will prevent you from ever allowing yourself or your heart to feel something for another man.

 

He'll still be lying to his wife, hiding you from her and making it a secret selfish friendship. It takes away from his wife, what he feels for her. He'll still be lying to her and it's wrong on many levels, because you dislike her and have created ddays by talking to her, he'd be making a fool of her by keeping you in his life even casually. Really most of all you'd be setting yourself up for a fall (aka another big hurt).

[Imajerk17]

Hey y'all,

 

Is it possible to be "just friends" or even acquaintances after an affair? Just a refresh: I spilled the beans to MM's wife twice in a terrible attempt to get out of limbo (with a touch of revenge the first time). Obviously his wife doesn't know we still speak and I have no intention of telling her anything this time around b.c I just don't want the drama. MM and I have NOT seen each other in weeks, we are both adamant that we won't see each other and obviously won't be physical. Every now and then we get a little "lovey" with each other via text but we don't say "I love you" often. We both agree that we want to be friends and we don't want to be out of each other's lives. We don't discuss "us", his marriage, my dating or anything like that b/c it causes us to fight and honestly there's still jealousy there from both of us. We are not over each other by any means but I think we are both really trying, we just don't want to let the friendship go completely.

 

Please refrain from the judgmental, holier than thou comments. I'm asking a genuine question and I'd prefer to hear from APs since they'd have actual experience in this. Not trying to be mean

 

Instead of your affair being "definitely over", This sounds to me like Affair Lite. No sex (for now anyway) but keep sneaking around behind Wife's back. You even seem to be aware yourself that what you are doing is (very) wrong and that you'd be getting heat for that--first sentence in your last paragraph.

 

So to answer your question: No it's not possible to stay friends here. As anyone who has loved and lost can tell you, this is no way to get over a relationship.

 

What are you both really trying again? Seems like a great way to keep on staying hooked to each other instead.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Imajerk17

[lostgirl87]

The reason I asked for no judgmental comments is b/c I know people are going to turn it into "but he's lying to his wife and it's unfair to her". Honestly, that's not my concern. I don't think it's necessarily wrong for he and I to be friendly and to speak every now and then but my concern is more if we are only prolonging the inevitable or if we would eventually fal back into the affair, both emotional and physical, which is what I don't want.

 

I'm content having him in my life in a limited way. He likes having me in his life too and being my friend. I mean, that's obvious if after 2 Ddays caused by me he is still willing to talk to me and trust me.

 

Maybe it's not the best idea but it also doesn't feel completely bad b/c right now it's tame and under control. My fear is that one day it may not be enough for him, for me or for both of us. That's why I was wondering if anyone had experience or was able to end the affair by being friends and moving on.

[Chica80]

The reason I asked for no judgmental comments is b/c I know people are going to turn it into "but he's lying to his wife and it's unfair to her". Honestly, that's not my concern. I don't think it's necessarily wrong for he and I to be friendly and to speak every now and then but my concern is more if we are only prolonging the inevitable or if we would eventually fal back into the affair, both emotional and physical, which is what I don't want.

 

I'm content having him in my life in a limited way. He likes having me in his life too and being my friend. I mean, that's obvious if after 2 Ddays caused by me he is still willing to talk to me and trust me.

 

Maybe it's not the best idea but it also doesn't feel completely bad b/c right now it's tame and under control. My fear is that one day it may not be enough for him, for me or for both of us. That's why I was wondering if anyone had experience or was able to end the affair by being friends and moving on.

 

Yup...been there many times....doesn't work

[Eight]

We tried to be "just friends."

We gradually slid down that slope to the exact same place when we ended it the first time.

You can't turn back time and you are just kidding yourselves.

Affairs ruin any possibility of going back to just being friends.

Affairs ruin everything.

[Imajerk17]

The reason I asked for no judgmental comments is b/c I know people are going to turn it into "but he's lying to his wife and it's unfair to her". Honestly, that's not my concern. I don't think it's necessarily wrong for he and I to be friendly and to speak every now and then but my concern is more if we are only prolonging the inevitable or if we would eventually fal back into the affair, both emotional and physical, which is what I don't want.

 

I'm content having him in my life in a limited way. He likes having me in his life too and being my friend. I mean, that's obvious if after 2 Ddays caused by me he is still willing to talk to me and trust me.

 

Maybe it's not the best idea but it also doesn't feel completely bad b/c right now it's tame and under control. My fear is that one day it may not be enough for him, for me or for both of us. That's why I was wondering if anyone had experience or was able to end the affair by being friends and moving on.

 

But, it IS wrong, whether you think it is or not. I mean 2+2 is 4 no matter whether I think it should be 3 or 5 or whatever. You had an affair w him and by continuing to talk to you even about the weather (yeah right) he is betraying his wife.

 

To answer your question, no this will not end well. That you are both going through so much energy to keep your "friendship" going means you will eventually be drawn back into the affair.

[lostgirl87]

But, it IS wrong, whether you think it is or not. I mean 2+2 is 4 no matter whether I think it should be 3 or 5 or whatever. You had an affair w him and by continuing to talk to you even about the weather (yeah right) he is betraying his wife.

 

To answer your question, no this will not end well. That you are both going through so much energy to keep your "friendship" going means you will eventually be drawn back into the affair.

Ok that's your opinion and again, my concern is not his wife.

[Midwestmissy]

It seems by not concerning yourself with his wife, you're giving (asking?) yourself permission to do this. If it's all so ok and friendly and real and genuine, why are you asking the cyber world for advice? Ask her! She's more directly impacted than any of us! Seems clear you're not interested in opinions that involve you being in the wrong, or the wife being hurt. That works fine if the man you're best friends with is single and there is no wife. You can't just wish her away and tell yourself you're not doing anything wrong. It comes off as immature and spoiled.

 

And it seems pretty obvious that you really do want the drama. The drama started when you both chose thevaffair. The drama you don't want is what's called adult consequences. You have the choice to make this right.

[Chica80]

So at this point whatever is "missing" is still missing. He supplements it with you. He gets his wife, his home life persona, your "friendship" what do you get?

 

The times I have dated or planned to. I told MM. The fact there's jealousy and causes conflict tells you that you are not friends and can't be. It's too fresh.

[Eight]

I wrote nearly what you wrote about it being "tame" in my journal at the time. I wrote that I was maintaining some distance; not sharing too much; keeping focus on my life; felt I had it under control.

 

Deep down; or not so deep; I knew I was kidding myself. I just didn't want to let go. He was my closest confidant. Nearly my only friend. Someone who made me feel like I could do anything. Special.

 

But how can you pretend that a friendship is all you want when you love someone? It's like a drawn out heartbreak by thousands of tiny stab wounds.

 

Fiona Apple said it best..."Once my lover, now my friend...what a cruel thing to pretend."

[lostgirl87]

It seems by not concerning yourself with his wife, you're giving (asking?) yourself permission to do this. If it's all so ok and friendly and real and genuine, why are you asking the cyber world for advice? Ask her! She's more directly impacted than any of us! Seems clear you're not interested in opinions that involve you being in the wrong, or the wife being hurt. That works fine if the man you're best friends with is single and there is no wife. You can't just wish her away and tell yourself you're not doing anything wrong. It comes off as immature and spoiled.

 

And it seems pretty obvious that you really do want the drama. The drama started when you both chose thevaffair. The drama you don't want is what's called adult consequences. You have the choice to make this right.

I'm not asking for advice, I'm asking if anybody had experience AS AN AP in remaining friends after the affair. She's not my wife. I didn't go after him asking to be friends. If he wants to keep secrets from her that's on him. I'm just not going to disclose anything to her- she knows A LOT and changed her mind about divorcing so it's not like she's completely in the dark about the depth of our relationship. She's "caught" him talking to me several times even after 2 Ddays and nothing has changed. Like I said, she's not my concern.

[lostgirl87]

So at this point whatever is "missing" is still missing. He supplements it with you. He gets his wife, his home life persona, your "friendship" what do you get?

 

The times I have dated or planned to. I told MM. The fact there's jealousy and causes conflict tells you that you are not friends and can't be. It's too fresh.

I get my friend. Which (for right now) is good enough for me. Like I said, right now it's good and under control. I'm more worried about what's going to happen in a few weeks if this "friendship" continues. Im afraid it will get out of hand. Again.

 

And yes, when I told him I was dating and that a mutual acquaintance had asked me out he flipped out and actually said something to this acquaintance. I was so embarrassed! That's when we decided we couldn't discuss dating or his marriage, good or bad.

 

Seems pretty clear that us being friends isn't the best idea and it most likely will blow up not too far down the line. Ugh.

[lostgirl87]

I wrote nearly what you wrote about it being "tame" in my journal at the time. I wrote that I was maintaining some distance; not sharing too much; keeping focus on my life; felt I had it under control.

 

Deep down; or not so deep; I knew I was kidding myself. I just didn't want to let go. He was my closest confidant. Nearly my only friend. Someone who made me feel like I could do anything. Special.

 

But how can you pretend that a friendship is all you want when you love someone? It's like a drawn out heartbreak by thousands of tiny stab wounds.

 

Fiona Apple said it best..."Once my lover, now my friend...what a cruel thing to pretend."

Yup. Exactly my thoughts. Except I don't believe I'm kidding myself. Am I in denial? Who knows. It's possible. I probably feel ok b/c in this moment, it's under control. But I'm sure if we somehow justified meeting up it would only escalate from there and that's exactly what I don't want. It just sucks! I really do want his friendship. He and I agree that our friendship is the hardest thing to let go of. It also doesn't help that he "admitted" he is still confused about what to do in his marriage. That topic plus his jealousy over my dating is what made me say that we couldn't discuss those 2 things and we haven't. Now that I've written that out it's clear that in a few weeks, we will be back in the limbo that I worked so hard to get out of. Great...