definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[MidnightBlue1980]

The tears are nothing but pure manipulation and he is doing the same thing with his wife. I was involved with someone who was separated (supposedly) and he did all the same things - crying, calling, showing up at my apartment outside, a lot of hysteria and promises that he was going to get divorced. Anger at me whenever I tried to let go. I waited 3 years. Guys like this don't easily let you go. I had to change jobs and literally move to break away. And then when I met my now husband months later, he was bitter about it and blamed me for not giving him enough security to get divorced.

 

Whatever. BTW - that was 12 years ago and the guy is still married/separated or whatever.

 

It's all an act.

[lostgirl87]

He showed up at my job today.

 

Today is our last day in this location and next week we will be in a new bigger office (yay for growth!) that is further away from MM's office so our lunches will no longer be possible.

 

Let's remember that this is a fairly new job and the people hwre don't seem to know about the affair rumors and I'm hoping to keep it that way. Well he shows up and asks to go to lunch. I was afraid of a scene so I agreed with a smile b/c I do NOT want anyone asking me or inquiring about anything. I live in a large city but the legal community is small.

 

In a nutshell, he asked me for more time. He asked me to stick it out with him just a little longer. He says this is all brand new (the affair being out) and he doesn't know how to handle it and without me things make even less sense. He said he can give me space if that's what I want but he wanted to be clear that he has no intention on giving up on "us". He said this was a very hard time for him, acknowledged it was hard for me too and said there's a reason why we're both still here.

 

I didn't agree to give him more time. I told him I've given him enough time. That's when he said "ok I can't ask you to wait and I don't want to hold you back. I just want you to know that this is real. I'm not confused about us. I don't know how to leave right now with everything being so volatile". I said I can understand the difficult position he is in but I'm in a difficult place too. I asked him to give me time too. That his constant back and forth and professions of love with no action have really messsd with my head and I don't know what's real anymore. I told him I have started going to therapy (ok just 1 session but still) and he became upset and asked "so is that what I've driven you to? Now you need therapy?" I told him not to flatter himself and I'm doing it for me and the things going on in my life. Not him. He then asked if he could join. I said he should probably go on his own but I can give him some names if he needs one.

 

I said it was probably best if he just focused on himself/his marriage and if it doesn't work out then he can divorce and come find me and see if we can work but before that, this would be pointless b/c I know what I want and continuing to be his mistress is not on that list. He said he would agree to give me space and let me think without him breathing down my neck. I hope he keeps his word. He didn't try to call after work so that's good. I'm not going back on what I said: I need to not talk to him and work on ME. Now with us being even farther away I know there won't be another surprise visit.

 

Surprisingly I'm ok. I'm enjoying the fact that as far as he's concerned, I'm being pretty strong. He doesn't have to know that yesterday was a rough day for me. One day at a time is the only way to get through this.

[Eight]

You handled it well. Thankfully you didn't fall for his same old boring song and dance.

 

However, you can now reset your NC calendar. You probably feel "suprisingly good" because you got a little "hit" from seeing him.

 

BTW, mine also gave me the "I won't ask you to wait." How noble of them. Give me a break. As if he holds the control of what you do or don't do? He probably was waiting for you to say you'd wait. And the bit about therapy because of him? This is quite telling. All of his actions and now his words, show how he thinks the world and everyone in it operates around and for HIM. Selfish. Not love. I think you both love the same person the most. HIM.

 

He hasn't changed his modus operandi.

 

Back to STRICT NC if I were you.

[FoundMyStrength]

Agree with Eight completely. Also, donuts to dollars, his offer to go to therapy with you is also selfish. It's not motivated by a desire to help and support, but because deep down, he knows any good therapist will advise you to run not walk away from the affair. He's worried about losing control of you.

[anika99]

You feel surprisingly ok and strong because you are still heavily involved in this affair and you are still feeding your addiction and allowing him to stroke your ego. It's like saying "I feel surprisingly good since I gave up smoking" while smoking a cigarette.

 

You won't move on until you stop seeing and talking to him and guess what? It's going to hurt. You will have days when you will feel surprisingly awful but those days wont last, they will become fewer until one day when you will realize you really are over him and you really have moved on and you really do feel surprisingly ok. However to get there you have to really end it. Stop making excuses for dragging this out and continuing to engage with him.

[lostgirl87]

I am not "addicted" to him. Nor is he addicted to me. Everyone can say whatever they want and project their feelings or situations on to mine but I KNOW what I feel and I know what he and I have/had. The feelings are real. It's not any more of an addiction than a "normal" couple cutting each other out. Y'all can call me delusional or whatever but I know the facts. I'm the one who has lived this.

 

I'm all for hearing the tough love and how I need to cut him off. That's fine and I'll agree with that. But I won't ever consider this an addiction. Even though it was an affair, our relationship progressed somewhat slowly. We weren't physical for over 6 months. It was never based on sex. there were several weeks when we could only see each other for dinner or a hang out and we were happy just being together. It wasn't until a year into our relationship that we even told each other we loved each other. We are sure of what we feel.

 

The situation SUCKS. I believe he is confused. I do NOT believe he is making all of this up b/c he wants attention or b/c it's a game. I believe that he doesn't know how to proceed b/c this is all new and I know that I can't wait around for something that may never happen. That's why I'm doing this.

 

Yes, it does make me feel better that I'm still on his mind and he's still saying these things. at the same time, it infuriates me b/c i want actions, not words. If that day ever comes, cool- I'll see where I am then. If it doesn't, then that's fine too b/c I'm working under the thought of "it's over".

 

I can move on without diminishing what I had with him. And I would never do that. What he's done for me, especially during my period of unemployment, the way he is with me, I'm the one that knows that. What I share here is only a portion of what's happened and it's only the bad. It doesn't encompass our entire relationship. Yes, the bad is pretty bad. and his inaction is something I can no longer tolerate. But I'm doing something about it. He seems to understand that and I'm hoping he can respect that.

 

The ONLY reason I saw him yesterday was b/c he was at my job. Of course I wanted to see him but I wasn't going to initiate it or agree if he had just called or emailed. He showed up. I will not allow this affair anywhere near my new job. Had I refused people may have asked questions as to who he is or what happened that I wouldn't see him. Again, the legal community is small so they could easily ask around and figure it out. That's not an excuse. Anybody who doesn't get that is simply choosing to see me as being weak.

 

I don't mean this in an offensive manner. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment and who has shared their story or viewpoint. I hear (read) it. I take it all in and consider all sides. But some of what has been said is simply not in line with the reality. And that's ok. All anyone can do is share based on their experiences. It's appreciated. It's considered. Thank you all!

Edited May 6, 2017 by lostgirl87

[georgia girl]

You feel surprisingly ok and strong because you are still heavily involved in this affair and you are still feeding your addiction and allowing him to stroke your ego. It's like saying "I feel surprisingly good since I gave up smoking" while smoking a cigarette.

 

You won't move on until you stop seeing and talking to him and guess what? It's going to hurt. You will have days when you will feel surprisingly awful but those days wont last, they will become fewer until one day when you will realize you really are over him and you really have moved on and you really do feel surprisingly ok. However to get there you have to really end it. Stop making excuses for dragging this out and continuing to engage with him.

 

Lost girl,

 

Please read this and take it to heart. This is true of any relationship ending - affair or not. You are still in the stage of hope and your mind and heart haven't begun to process never seeing him again. That's where you have to go to begin to get over someone. Then, if it does work out in the future, you are in the right state of mind to decide what you need as well as want.

 

This is not a criticism... more of a foreshadowing of what's to come when you begin the process of letting go. I hope for your sake that you begin to get there, not because of the pain you will experience but for the healing it will create.

 

Good luck, GG

[lostgirl87]

Lost girl,

 

Please read this and take it to heart. This is true of any relationship ending - affair or not. You are still in the stage of hope and your mind and heart haven't begun to process never seeing him again. That's where you have to go to begin to get over someone. Then, if it does work out in the future, you are in the right state of mind to decide what you need as well as want.

 

This is not a criticism... more of a foreshadowing of what's to come when you begin the process of letting go. I hope for your sake that you begin to get there, not because of the pain you will experience but for the healing it will create.

 

Good luck, GG

I agree with you in that I haven't fully processed never seeing him again. But it's early. I'm sure that will come in time when I haven't talked or seen him for a while. And I'm excited to get to that point.

 

Maybe I'm still in the "hopeful" phase but believe me it's not my intention. I tell myself it's over. I tell myself to look at where he is. Where he's sleeping. Who he's having dinner with every night. I see that. That's what gets me through. That's what's allowing me to at least not pick up the blocked calls. This has to end somewhere. Him popping up at work and his words obviously will have an effect on me b/c it's still new. I don't think it's derailed me though. I'm sure of what I want and it's not this. Its not sweet words. It's something real. And I'm ready for that. I'm owed that.

 

This affair has shown me that I can love, I can be loyal and I can fight for what I feel is worth it. That was a fear of mine before. I never connected with a man before. It was always physical and fun. Once that wore off or we'd argue about any little thing, I was gone. MM forced me out of my comfort zone. I was vulnerable. Hell I was weak. Something I've never been. He knew the real me. Nobody other than my family and girlfriends have ever seen the real me. I enjoyed it. But now, I'm excited to love. To have something real. Now that I know I'm not completely broken (but maybe a little lost and effed up lol).

 

from one Georgia girl to another, thank you

[S2B]

I'm glad you're being strong...

 

My hope for you is that you get to a point of strength and courage to change your number and don't see him when he shows up.

 

Why not simply tell him to never, ever contact you again unless his divorce has been finalized? That way - you don't keep hoping things will change and that way you don't stay involved while he's still married.

 

Look out for you - he's being greedy and really only looking out for himself!

[lostgirl87]

I'm glad you're being strong...

 

My hope for you is that you get to a point of strength and courage to change your number and don't see him when he shows up.

 

Why not simply tell him to never, ever contact you again unless his divorce has been finalized? That way - you don't keep hoping things will change and that way you don't stay involved while he's still married.

 

Look out for you - he's being greedy and really only looking out for himself!

thank you!

 

Yeah that's what I told him yesterday. That after everything he has done he owes it to me and to his wife to at least figure that out on his own otherwise we will be in this cycle forever and I don't want this anymore. He said he would give me space but he didn't agree to stay away until or if he is ever divorced. That part is up to me. I can't control him but I can control what I give in to and what I tolerate.

 

As far as changing my number, I did consider it. I am extremely hesitant though b/c I have had this number since high school. It's the number I use for networking and I get several referrals from people I knew in high school or college. Yeah that all sounds like an excuse but it is a concern. If for some reason he becomes too difficult then I'll have no choice.

[elaine567]

Why not simply tell him to never, ever contact you again unless his divorce has been finalized?

 

Ok but does that not involve more "waiting" for something that may never happen?

I think the OP has wasted enough of her life on this man already,

[lostgirl87]

Ok but does that not involve more "waiting" for something that may never happen?

I think the OP has wasted enough of her life on this man already,

Yeah I see what you are saying. I think saying that has some finality to it though. It makes it clear that the affair is over and if that's all he wants, he will stay away.

 

What matters more is the way I am treating it. If I am telling myself "this is temporary until he figures things out", I'm screwing myself. But I am treating this as the end. B/c it is. The affair is over. As of now, I have no actions or efforts on his part to show me that he wants a real relationship with me so I am moving on.

[S2B]

thank you!

 

Yeah that's what I told him yesterday. That after everything he has done he owes it to me and to his wife to at least figure that out on his own otherwise we will be in this cycle forever and I don't want this anymore. He said he would give me space but he didn't agree to stay away until or if he is ever divorced. That part is up to me. I can't control him but I can control what I give in to and what I tolerate.

 

As far as changing my number, I did consider it. I am extremely hesitant though b/c I have had this number since high school. It's the number I use for networking and I get several referrals from people I knew in high school or college. Yeah that all sounds like an excuse but it is a concern. If for some reason he becomes too difficult then I'll have no choice.

 

Honey, he's NEVER going to become too difficult... he plans to keep you in second place forever - IF you allow it.

 

You are so right - it is up to you to change it for yourself - I hope you will...mainly because you deserve much more than being anyone's second best/choice.

 

He is right where he chooses to be - with his wife/married.

 

He just happens to conveniently have another woman who hangs around waiting for him to become divorced when he doesn't intend to ever divorce.

 

Stop waiting for nothing. He's not leaving her. He's not unhappy enough to change a thing.

 

You deserve a man who makes only you his top priority!

 

Start today! You deserve it!

[sandylee1]

Don't love and respect go hand in hand though. If he loved you, surely he'd respect your request not to contact you, but he doesn't.

 

He disregards your request, because he hopes you will see his continued contact as a sign of how much he loves you and that eventually you'll slide back into being a mistress.

 

Are you not worried about the damage to your career? I know his wife hasn't exposed it yet, but if she gets wind that he's still in contact with you she could change her mind about that.

 

She's been reasonable with you up till now, but if you push someone you don't know what they're capable of. Then she'll probably get labelled as the psycho wife.

 

Especially after you apologised to her, then you still continued and ended up being physical with him, just without the sex.

 

You say it's not addiction, but being unable to stop yourself from doing this and openly telling him you aren't strong enough to resist, so he needs to stop contacting you, could be perceived as such.

 

Your career could really suffer with this... I mean people kind of expect lawyers to act with integrity and could see this as an issue in your professional practice.

 

Being in your profession, you know people judge situations based on the facts that are evidenced ... and the fact here is you had/are having an affair with a MM.

 

The minutiae like you falling in love with him and him allegedly being in a bad marriage won't matter to people.

 

I just don't think the career you've worked so hard for is worth risking along with your personal reputation because of this MM or any man to be honest with you.

[GeekLover]

I might be one of the opposing posters here, but I'm a WS. I wanted my OM. I wanted him more than anything in the world, but I NEEDED to leave my husband in the most humane way possible. I'm not an evil person (despite what most BS would say). I'm really not. It was SO important to me that I was as compassionate as possible with my husband, even though I knew what I wanted.

 

I chose to leave my marriage for him, but once I did, he told me I couldn't love him the way he needed and we would never reconcile. I'm completely lost, and reading your reaction, lostgirl, it just breaks my heart. I would have loved to have that kind of ending with my OM. I would love to know that I could approach him now, but I feel he's gone. I see how much you still love your MM and would love to have him 100% if given the chance. I'm SO confused why my OM walked away as soon as he could really have me. It just seems so contrary to what all the OW/OMs say on here. Sigh. C'est la vie.

[stillafool]

I

 

I chose to leave my marriage for him, but once I did, he told me I couldn't love him the way he needed and we would never reconcile. I'm completely lost, and reading your reaction, lostgirl, it just breaks my heart. I would have loved to have that kind of ending with my OM. I would love to know that I could approach him now, but I feel he's gone. I see how much you still love your MM and would love to have him 100% if given the chance. I'm SO confused why my OM walked away as soon as he could really have me. It just seems so contrary to what all the OW/OMs say on here. Sigh. C'est la vie.

 

This too happens a lot if you read around. The MM leaves his wife for OW then after he has her something makes him go back to his wife or on to another woman.

[elaine567]

Geeklover, I know you are beating yourself up over not leaving your husband sooner and hence losing your OM, but reading your first thread it seems that your OM used you as a "bridge" to support him whilst he walked away from his marriage.

I know that OM/OWs can get fed up with MM/MW who will not leave, but the suddenness of his withdrawal from you when you did leave makes me wonder as to the veracity of his supposed "love" for you.

 

My feeling is that once you were truly single, you would be asking for real commitment from him and he knew that was not his plan, so had to unceremoniously dump you, blaming YOU for dilly dallying...

 

Unfortunately it is not an uncommon story.

A MW makes a great AP, she is often "desperate" for sex, "love" and affection and is easily manipulated, and will keep the affair secret as she does not want to be found out, BUT she is not often seen as "relationship material" by the MM as she is basically a cheater and how could he really ever trust her.

NO, he often dumps the MW/OW and looks for a more "wholesome" woman to marry second time around... or he just goes back to his wife...

[ice3784]

I might be one of the opposing posters here, but I'm a WS. I wanted my OM. I wanted him more than anything in the world, but I NEEDED to leave my husband in the most humane way possible. I'm not an evil person (despite what most BS would say). I'm really not. It was SO important to me that I was as compassionate as possible with my husband, even though I knew what I wanted.

 

I chose to leave my marriage for him, but once I did, he told me I couldn't love him the way he needed and we would never reconcile. I'm completely lost, and reading your reaction, lostgirl, it just breaks my heart. I would have loved to have that kind of ending with my OM. I would love to know that I could approach him now, but I feel he's gone. I see how much you still love your MM and would love to have him 100% if given the chance. I'm SO confused why my OM walked away as soon as he could really have me. It just seems so contrary to what all the OW/OMs say on here. Sigh. C'est la vie.

When you aren't fully belongs to him, it makes him chase. Similar to me. When i was with my husband, MM asked me to merry him etc. Even when the wife founds out, he still continue being with me. Until the day she decided to file divorce, he starts to distance me and back with her. Then now i am single and alone

[stillafool]

No i can't. He calls from a blocked number.

 

Stop answering calls from numbers you don't know. Assume it's him.

[OldRover]

Yeah I see what you are saying. I think saying that has some finality to it though. It makes it clear that the affair is over and if that's all he wants, he will stay away.

 

What matters more is the way I am treating it. If I am telling myself "this is temporary until he figures things out", I'm screwing myself. But I am treating this as the end. B/c it is. The affair is over. As of now, I have no actions or efforts on his part to show me that he wants a real relationship with me so I am moving on.

 

Lost,

I've read thru this whole thread and having been through similar, I can relate. There is nothing delusional about your relationship. You do not have an addiction or some sort of disease. You are perfectly normal to be attracted to a hansom and sexy guy. It may have been the best love you ever had with the best man you can imagine, and that's real.... and you're not going to forget him..... ever.

 

What you've done that is not normal (by some), is get involved with a MM. A lot of folks, including yourself, feel that it's not a good thing and rarely lasts or develops into a long term relationship. (stats are against that).

 

It may or may not affect your professional relationship. There is no shortage of professional people that have had an OM/OW. Sure, you may get some criticism, especially from some holier than thou person that has never sinned.

 

Getting him through the NC zone will be the hardest, and know how your react (based on your posts) that will be a big challenge for you. You need to get to the point where you can look him in the eye, and not think of the emotional past or want to just hug him and cry. You may never get there, but time will be on your side.

 

Some things that a lot of folks have done (including myself) that have helped:

 

Get active in something new. Take up something you've wanted to do, or take something you do now to another level. Something physical is best. Running in the morning before work.... bicycling.... kayaking.....tennis...... something you can do often.

 

Get involved in a social group that's new, even if just occasionally, but a group that's fun, not work. Could be a professional group that likes to boat or play cards or whatever, but a fun activity.

 

Hang with your good friends. Spend your evening and social time with them. Go to the bar if that's your thing and start dating again. Make it casual and take time before you get serious.

 

Stay healthy, eat well and get plenty of rest.

 

Give it 6 months of hard effort and it just gets better. And work hard to get thru the set backs and downers..... you will have them. Exercise is best to get thru those.

 

Best to you....

[lostgirl87]

Lost,

I've read thru this whole thread and having been through similar, I can relate. There is nothing delusional about your relationship. You do not have an addiction or some sort of disease. You are perfectly normal to be attracted to a hansom and sexy guy. It may have been the best love you ever had with the best man you can imagine, and that's real.... and you're not going to forget him..... ever.

 

What you've done that is not normal (by some), is get involved with a MM. A lot of folks, including yourself, feel that it's not a good thing and rarely lasts or develops into a long term relationship. (stats are against that).

 

It may or may not affect your professional relationship. There is no shortage of professional people that have had an OM/OW. Sure, you may get some criticism, especially from some holier than thou person that has never sinned.

 

Getting him through the NC zone will be the hardest, and know how your react (based on your posts) that will be a big challenge for you. You need to get to the point where you can look him in the eye, and not think of the emotional past or want to just hug him and cry. You may never get there, but time will be on your side.

 

Some things that a lot of folks have done (including myself) that have helped:

 

Get active in something new. Take up something you've wanted to do, or take something you do now to another level. Something physical is best. Running in the morning before work.... bicycling.... kayaking.....tennis...... something you can do often.

 

Get involved in a social group that's new, even if just occasionally, but a group that's fun, not work. Could be a professional group that likes to boat or play cards or whatever, but a fun activity.

 

Hang with your good friends. Spend your evening and social time with them. Go to the bar if that's your thing and start dating again. Make it casual and take time before you get serious.

 

Stay healthy, eat well and get plenty of rest.

 

Give it 6 months of hard effort and it just gets better. And work hard to get thru the set backs and downers..... you will have them. Exercise is best to get thru those.

 

Best to you....

Awww thank you! That was probably one of the best responses I've seen on this thread. It was actually compassionate and helpful! Ps- kudos to you for getting through this whole thread haha.

 

What's so funny about MM is he is nothing like my type! He's not even someone I was attracted to when I first met him. I remember even thinking "ok why is this guy staring at me like that" lol. I never expected to fall in love. Which is probably why we got so comfortable with each other. I was my most authentic self b/c there was no attraction and I guess that made him comfortable to be himself too. And to be honest, the few people who know about us have commented how far out of his league I am lol. He says it too. "Every time we go somewhere together men stare at you and probably think 'what's that hot girl doing with that guy??". He has a few insecurities about us and has questioned me several times about my real feelings. He is concerned that if we were together, I would no longer be interested and would dump him like I've done other guys. Or I would eventually realize how much better I can do and would get bored and leave him. It's weird.

 

I have turned up the working out. I've never been that much of an athlete but I did gain a little weight in the past year so that's helped. I'm not that social of a person - I enjoy getting together with friends but after a rough patch in law school, I learned I had to stay away from alcohol when I was stressed or going through a difficult time. So I've been trying to force myself to really feel the hurt while also forcing myself to not obsess over it. I have to feel it and move on in my own way. I can't cover it up or distract myself. I usually stay with my parents and hang out with our dogs. They really help make me laugh and smile when I'm feeling down. Also my large dog loves to go to the park so he and I go for a run then we go down to the lark part where he watches the ducks or geese lol. It's stupid but it makes me happy and I think that's the goal

 

Thank you again for your comment - you really have no idea how much I appreciate actual support!

[sandylee1]

LG,

Something just came to mind with a comment from your last post.

 

That he says you're the hot girl and people wonder what you're doing with him when you went out.

 

Added to the fact that you're a professional and out earn him, he may really think you're too good for him and way above what he could ever have dreamed of getting in a woman.

 

He may not see you as a long term prospect because, he's insecure with an attractive woman who earns more.

 

Money = power. He won't feel like he has that with you, but he probably has it with his wife.

 

Plus perhaps the fear, that you'll want better.

 

Many women would not be with a man, where the social status was quite so different.

 

Just a thought.

[lostgirl87]

LG,

Something just came to mind with a comment from your last post.

 

That he says you're the hot girl and people wonder what you're doing with him when you went out.

 

Added to the fact that you're a professional and out earn him, he may really think you're too good for him and way above what he could ever have dreamed of getting in a woman.

 

He may not see you as a long term prospect because, he's insecure with an attractive woman who earns more.

 

Money = power. He won't feel like he has that with you, but he probably has it with his wife.

 

Plus perhaps the fear, that you'll want better.

 

Many women would not be with a man, where the social status was quite so different.

 

Just a thought.

Yeah I've considered that. And I've tried to reassure him but I can't take that insecurity away for him.

 

I don't mean this disrespectfully to his wife by any means. God knows I've disrespected her enough but she's a bigger woman. She wasn't always big but according to him it's been an issue in their relationship. He's tried to tell her nicely to lose weight. Even getting a gym membership together but she never went. I'd say she's close to or over 200 pounds and probably somewhere between a size 12-16. Where I'm a 6-8 (thanks To my recent weight gain) with a small waist and larger butt. Again I don't mean to be mean, just drawing comparisons to go with the "out of his league" issue we have. He's said several times he's never had a girl like me and never thought I'd like him and I deserve someone better than him. That if we were together I'd get bored with him and want someone like I'm "used to".

 

It sucks b/c I know I love him and despite our differences, I'd never want anyone else. There's so much more to a happy relationship than money and physical appearance. That's not to say I'm not attracted to him. I definitely am! I think he's the most handsome man in the world. But that's b/c I love him and got to know him. Not b/c I saw him and thought "damn. That's one fine a$$ man" lol.

 

Oh well. I guess this is a moot point seeing as how he's not with me anyway.

[FoundMyStrength]

My xMM also was someone I would not ordinarily be attracted to, with people saying similar things about batting out of his league. He said lots of self disparaging things. That he couldn't imagine me choosing him if we'd met at a party rather than work. Doubting my physical attraction for him on several occasions. Insecure about his hair, his weight, etc. He also told lots of stories about his wilder, more exciting youthful days. Plus he's one of those guys who uses a 5 year old profile pic that is wildly out of date vis a vis his actual appearance.

 

The thing is, I don't necessarily think it's a reason why they don't "choose" us. I think it's just another sign of their overall insecurity about everything. They are scared to leave, because there is no certainty on the other side. Better to stay with the known quantity, even if not ideal, than take a risk with a new woman, no matter how loved. They're insecure about life. If your MM was anything like mine, I bet there were also insecurities about money, status, career, reputation, etc.

[donbar]

There's a whole bunch of (in his mind) very valid reasons why he won't leave her.

Firstly, he knows you love him and he knows you will be there for him when he needs you. So there's no immediate need. For a while that is how it was with my OW. I knew she would always be there for me.

 

Second, he has financial ties to her and that makes it hard to leave.

 

Third, he knows he made vows to her, and the guilt is driving him mad.

 

My OW took herself out of the equation, made it very obvious that I was of no value to her and it nearly destroyed me. I would do ANYTHING to have her back. I miss her every minute of every day. I saw her last week and she was colder than an ice cream in the dead of winter. It was awful. I could smell her perfume, and I wanted her more than anything in this world, but she was strong and made it quite clear that I was *ucking up her life. The look she gave me shattered my heart. I will never get over it.

 

If you could do that, your man would want you, and then it would be up to you to decide what to do..