definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[GeekLover]

And to be honest, the few people who know about us have commented how far out of his league I am lol. He says it too. "Every time we go somewhere together men stare at you and probably think 'what's that hot girl doing with that guy??". He has a few insecurities about us and has questioned me several times about my real feelings. He is concerned that if we were together, I would no longer be interested and would dump him like I've done other guys. Or I would eventually realize how much better I can do and would get bored and leave him. It's weird.

 

Hey LG,

 

So strange you say this...xOM would say the exact same thing to me (except flip our tables). I'd get "I don't know why you love me..." and, "I'm worried that once you leave your husband you'll realize there's so many other men and you won't want me anymore." Then, of course, HE left Me...Go figure...

 

What really resonated with me was when you said you "need to feel the hurt". I'm with you. As much as it hurts, I absolutely REFUSE to try to distract myself to cover it up. Sure I'll do things to make me happy (paint, gym, walks with the dog, go away with friends, play with my kids), but I will NOT jump into a. Ew relationship. It would be completely unfair to anyone and myself right now. I'm doing this my own, healthy way - I've found comfort with friends, I've found a new therapist, I've tried some new things. Sure I've been on some dates, but I've told any guy who has expressed an interest that I'm just dating casually and not looking for anything serious. My three main focuses right now are cutting waaaaay back on alcohol, trying to exercise more, and trying to say 'yes' to any new opportunities that come my way, even if I don't really want to do what's being offered.

 

I think you're taking the healthy route, LG. Keep it up!

[Rebelnoir]

My MM is also somebody I wouldn't have seen myself with either. I wasn't attracted to him at all when he met. However I know I am his 'type' (his wife isn't, which is an issue for her). He considers me to be far outside of his league, and others have said this too. I know he was insecure about that as he has discussed it with me a few times. It's funny how these things end up isn't it? Like you ladies, I think he is the hottest man in the world...and he just doesn't understand why.

 

I need to start taking in the past tense, we are no longer together...

 

Lostgirl, I hope you're doing ok. I know what you're going through at the moment and it's difficult. In a way though, being able to cope with this and sometimes feel happiness despite it all reassures me I'll be ok. You will too.

 

Have you got any useful advice for when you miss the MM? I have a list of things he has done to hurt me. I usually read that and it brings me back down to earth ASAP!

[sandylee1]

Yeah I've considered that. And I've tried to reassure him but I can't take that insecurity away for him.

 

He's said several times he's never had a girl like me and never thought I'd like him and I deserve someone better than him. That if we were together I'd get bored with him and want someone like I'm "used to".

 

There's so much more to a happy relationship than money and physical appearance.

.

 

I doubt he can believe you gave him a second glance. Actually this reminds me of years ago when I was doing some temp work in a law firm. there was a rally attractive female barrister the firm used for cases and younger guy, in a clerking role. She was engaged actually and she was having an A with the clerk, she got quite attached to him and wanted to leave her fiancé, but the clerk said she better not do it on his account.

 

 

I used to chat to him and he said women are crazy. Why does she want to leave her fiancé, (who we also knew and was a barrister), for me 'a common clerk'. He said I've got nothing to offer her.

 

 

For those men who have lost their wives or GF to a richer guy, they will see the financial differential as very important. Have you seen the thread on the other side, where men are saying they wouldn't be with a woman who earned more than them?

 

 

Anyway... NC will help you get through this. It will take time, but you have to want to do it. Like giving up smoking.

[lostgirl87]

My xMM also was someone I would not ordinarily be attracted to, with people saying similar things about batting out of his league. He said lots of self disparaging things. That he couldn't imagine me choosing him if we'd met at a party rather than work. Doubting my physical attraction for him on several occasions. Insecure about his hair, his weight, etc. He also told lots of stories about his wilder, more exciting youthful days. Plus he's one of those guys who uses a 5 year old profile pic that is wildly out of date vis a vis his actual appearance.

 

The thing is, I don't necessarily think it's a reason why they don't "choose" us. I think it's just another sign of their overall insecurity about everything. They are scared to leave, because there is no certainty on the other side. Better to stay with the known quantity, even if not ideal, than take a risk with a new woman, no matter how loved. They're insecure about life. If your MM was anything like mine, I bet there were also insecurities about money, status, career, reputation, etc.

Absolutely. MM didn't even go to college. Well he went for a semester but didn't go back. He's made "jokes" saying things like "Oh that's right b/c I'm not a lawyer/I didn't go to college so I can't possibly understand". Also, our vocabulary and manner of speaking is different so he will say how he doesn't understand some of the big words I use and I have joked about getting him a thesaurus. Looking back, probably not good that I responded that way but after a while, I don't know how to respond. I didn't feel like I needed to dumb myself down. We have so many differences but we also get along very well despite those differences. We both introduced each other to a different way of life so to speak. We could talk for hours about our different experiences growing up, we introduced each other to new music, new movies, new hobbies.

 

In some cases opposites attract. But also, too many differences can keep people apart. I always thought our differences brought us together but who knows what would have happened in a real relationship.

[lostgirl87]

My MM is also somebody I wouldn't have seen myself with either. I wasn't attracted to him at all when he met. However I know I am his 'type' (his wife isn't, which is an issue for her). He considers me to be far outside of his league, and others have said this too. I know he was insecure about that as he has discussed it with me a few times. It's funny how these things end up isn't it? Like you ladies, I think he is the hottest man in the world...and he just doesn't understand why.

 

I need to start taking in the past tense, we are no longer together...

 

Lostgirl, I hope you're doing ok. I know what you're going through at the moment and it's difficult. In a way though, being able to cope with this and sometimes feel happiness despite it all reassures me I'll be ok. You will too.

 

Have you got any useful advice for when you miss the MM? I have a list of things he has done to hurt me. I usually read that and it brings me back down to earth ASAP!

I'm doing ok. I have to admit that we have not kept strict NC. We went several days without speaking but he emailed me over the weekend b/c he went out with a former coworker of ours and this coworker repeated a rumor he heard about me. MM then flips out and questions me. A few days after that, MM asks me what game am I playing. Apparently someone has been texting his wife saying "your husband is contacting me". Obviously that wasn't me but I guess he thought it was. We ultimately realized that it's actually her texting herself from a texting app to try and catch him in a lie. She linked her ipad to his iphone a few weeks ago and she thinks MM doesn't know. She must be worried that he hasn't quit talking to me out of the blue especially given how much he and I talked. I feel kind of bad that I am partially responsible for her feeling this way but also, with everything that she knows, it's on her for choosing to live her life that way.

 

MM and I haven't talked in about 4 days. I wish I had a secret tool that makes it easier to not reach out to him but I'm going to be honest: what keeps me from reaching out is how much he tells me that he loves me and that he still finds ways to reach me. The reason this works for me is b/c even when I'm not looking for him or requiring communication from him, he finds a way and I feel myself slowly gaining back my control. Regaining some of my control allows me to look at my phone and not answer when it rings. To answer it would be to undo the progress I have made. To some it may seem like nothing but to me, it's a big change. He still tells me loves me, still says he wants to be with me but also says he does feel obligated to stick around for right now given the way things went down.

 

What I appreciate about him is that he doesn't ghost me. He tells me exactly what is going on, what he's doing and why he's doing it. He has agreed to give me space but has been clear that he will not go away completely. He doesn't try to call every day and when he does call, it's not incessantly. He understands that I won't be picking up his calls b/c I do need space but he reminds me that he loves me and isn't choosing this based on his heart but what he feels his obligation is. Because he is honest with me and communicates with me, this gives me the power to choose what I want for myself. I can either accept his breadcrumbs OR walk away. I don't want to fall back to what we were and I don't want to allow him to have the best of both worlds. All of these things together are what are getting me through. I no longer feel like the world is crashing around me. I don't feel like I can't breathe. I don't obsess (as much) about what's going to happen or what he's doing. I'm sure there will be difficult days ahead but I'm also celebrating the fact that I've been able to have NC for 4 days which is the longest we have ever gone.

 

I know some will say "it's not NC b/c he is calling". Well, I can't help that. Me seeing a blocked number or a call from his office is not me speaking with him. m sure the real test will come whenever he gets tired of trying to reach me and stops attempting to contact me. At that point I may need to employ other methods of coping but for right now, I am doing ok. And I'm thankful that for once my ego and pride are actually causing me to do something positive such as not answering calls.

Edited May 13, 2017 by lostgirl87

[Rebelnoir]

I'm doing ok. I have to admit that we have not kept strict NC. We went several days without speaking but he emailed me over the weekend b/c he went out with a former coworker of ours and this coworker repeated a rumor he heard about me. MM then flips out and questions me. A few days after that, MM asks me what game am I playing. Apparently someone has been texting his wife saying "your husband is contacting me". Obviously that wasn't me but I guess he thought it was. We ultimately realized that it's actually her texting herself from a texting app to try and catch him in a lie. She linked her ipad to his iphone a few weeks ago and she thinks MM doesn't know. She must be worried that he hasn't quit talking to me out of the blue especially given how much he and I talked. I feel kind of bad that I am partially responsible for her feeling this way but also, with everything that she knows, it's on her for choosing to live her life that way.

 

MM and I haven't talked in about 4 days. I wish I had a secret tool that makes it easier to not reach out to him but I'm going to be honest: what keeps me from reaching out is how much he tells me that he loves me and that he still finds ways to reach me. The reason this works for me is b/c even when I'm not looking for him or requiring communication from him, he finds a way and I feel myself slowly gaining back my control. Regaining some of my control allows me to look at my phone and not answer when it rings. To answer it would be to undo the progress I have made. To some it may seem like nothing but to me, it's a big change. He still tells me loves me, still says he wants to be with me but also says he does feel obligated to stick around for right now given the way things went down.

 

What I appreciate about him is that he doesn't ghost me. He tells me exactly what is going on, what he's doing and why he's doing it. He has agreed to give me space but has been clear that he will not go away completely. He doesn't try to call every day and when he does call, it's not incessantly. He understands that I won't be picking up his calls b/c I do need space but he reminds me that he loves me and isn't choosing this based on his heart but what he feels his obligation is. Because he is honest with me and communicates with me, this gives me the power to choose what I want for myself. I can either accept his breadcrumbs OR walk away. I don't want to fall back to what we were and I don't want to allow him to have the best of both worlds. All of these things together are what are getting me through. I no longer feel like the world is crashing around me. I don't feel like I can't breathe. I don't obsess (as much) about what's going to happen or what he's doing. I'm sure there will be difficult days ahead but I'm also celebrating the fact that I've been able to have NC for 4 days which is the longest we have ever gone.

 

I know some will say "it's not NC b/c he is calling". Well, I can't help that. Me seeing a blocked number or a call from his office is not me speaking with him. m sure the real test will come whenever he gets tired of trying to reach me and stops attempting to contact me. At that point I may need to employ other methods of coping but for right now, I am doing ok. And I'm thankful that for once my ego and pride are actually causing me to do something positive such as not answering calls.

 

It sounds like it's working for you right now, and I can see how this is helping you regain some control. You're right though, the real test is yet to come. It's easy when they keep reaching out, but when they don't I'm sure it will hurt (I've just thought this must be what MM thinks about me as I always reach out!)

 

How has the last week or so been? Have you continued speaking to him? I'm glad you're taking steps to distance yourself somewhat as there is always the chance he isn't being 100% truthful when he talks about eventually leaving. Or that he is, but will change his mind later on. I'm not saying he won't leave to be with you, but it's good you're distancing yourself emotionally incase he doesn't.

 

Just be careful you're not letting whatever little contact you have keep you hooked to MM. You might feel in control now but MM really still has a lot...all it would take is for him to not call/message you for a while and you would probably feel out of control again. He knows that you will respond every now and then so it's not a massive effort for him to keep reaching out. But what are a few calls and messages when he can't give you a relationship? Do you think LC is helping you move forward? I sort of feel like as long as I go on talking to MM I'm still in that headspace.

 

Something people have said to me repeatedly, and I now agree with, is look at his actions not his words. My MM swore he wasn't asking for space to reconcile. He told me and our mutual friends that. He told his mutual friends with his wife that. A few weeks later he's booked a family holiday and is now moving back in. He still swears blind he loves me, I'm the one for him etc. Words are so easy to say it's the actions that count. I think us OW need to stop seeing ongoing calls and texts as actions because how hard is it for MM to send a text or call? Not at all! It's the laziest, least invested action. And when ongoing contact (with little else) becomes their primary, or even only, positive action towards us...well it's nothing really.

 

his wife's reaction is odd. She obviously thinks you're both still talking otherwise she wouldn't have sent herself those messages. Not sure what else to say about that really, except it will be impacting on them both, as well as their relationship, if she still thinks that. If he's not 100% invested (he's not, he's talking to you, and things aren't great at home (they won't be if she's this suspicious) he will likely always want you there to soothe his ego. Also if your MM is anything like mine, he is probably doing everything he can to convince her otherwise.

 

Hope you're doing ok!

Edited May 21, 2017 by Rebelnoir

[sandylee1]

LG,

 

I get the feeling that he and his wife are from the same country and probably similar in levels of education.

 

You are indeed in a different socio-economic group to him and I think even though you don't see it as an issue, the gap between you both is too wide.

 

He may even be thinking he'd look foolish in front of your family and friends, because he may not understand what their saying, with a different level of vocabulary.

 

That was something I remember thinking when I dated a guy years ago.... How would he fit in with my family... And he wouldn't have done in that sense.

 

Although with the benefit of social media... We reconnected and he's doing pretty well for himself nearly 30 years later.

 

But at the time, he did feel a bit below my friends and family education wise.

 

I have to wonder why he married a woman who wasn't 'his type'.

[lostgirl87]

Well I have purposely stayed away from this site for the most part b/c it got to a point where it wasn't helping me but was actually making me even crazier.

 

Now that I have had some time away and some clarity on my own I am able to update y'all: the wife and I spoke again. MM was constantly accusing me of reaching out to her or sending anonymous texts/emails to her when I wasn't. He was driving me crazy with the "i love you but I need to do this but we will talk and be ok" that I had enough and told him "stay away or I will talk to her again". He didn't so I messaged her just to say I had talked to him and had lunch with him but that was the extent of it. She replied that he clearly wants both of us and is lying to us both. She sent me a screenshot of him texting her that he loves her and asked me if I had any. She repeatedly asked me if he says things like that to me and if so, what does he say? I didn't participate in that back and forth b/c frankly, I am not competing for who gets the better "i love you" messages. We ended the conversation with her telling me that if they don't work out, I will be the first person she contacts to let me know. No thanks.

 

He called me the next day about 5 times from a blocked number until I finally answered. He did not allow me to speak but told me that he wasn't upset with me b/c he could tell I was getting to my breaking point and he had pushed me too far, that everything with me was real, that he loves me, that I am his best friend and has never been more of himself with anyone but that we would not be speaking anymore. He told me he loved me once more and then hung up. I emailed him when I found a menu from one of our dates and was feeling nostalgic. I have an email tracker app so I know he opened the email about 6 different times but he didn't respond.

 

Side note: I have this crazy need to get everything off my chest and ask any questions that I feel are unanswered in order to be able to cope. When I was in law school, I went through a difficult time with alcohol and amphetamines and as a result, I "went away" for about a week and did outpatient therapy as well. Since that time, if I don't talk about everything that I am feeling and get the answers to my questions, my anxiety is off the charts and my physical health takes a huge hit. After MM's goodbye call, I spent the next several days not eating, taking 5-6 sleeping pills in a night just to get 4 hours of sleep, and any time that I would try and eat, I would throw it back up. I told him this in an email and he eventually called for my "closure". I tried to talk to him but he was so angry and said "I am only listening. I am done talking to you". I tried to convince him to have an adult conversation and he said "no i am hanging up". And he did. The next day, I tried again to have this last talk and he eventually called. We spoke for about 30 minutes- this time it was a little better although he was still pretty angry. He started bt saying "Im surprised you want to talk to me. Why not speak with Wife since you 2 are apparently best friends now". I told him about the few things that I said to her then changed to talking about he and I.

 

I told him how important he was to me and how I do love him and don't want us hating each other but I do think it is best that we not speak again. I then asked him why he was so angry. Obviously I knew why he was angry but again, I NEED to talk about things. He repeated "I am only listening to you for you to get your closure. I am not talking". I told him this wasn't going to work if he wasn't going to behave like an adult and talk to me. He said "Why? So you can send this to her? Am I being recorded now?" I said "ok so you are upset b/c you feel I betrayed your confidence?" And he said "yes. you said you wouldn't do that again. I told you what was going on, I was honest with you, I just needed you to be patient while I figured everything out. If I was so important to you like you say, why do this again?". I then said "I hear what you are saying and you have valid points. I shouldn't have done that. However, also consider ME and what you have been doing to me since this whole thing happened. I am not your pretty toy that you can pick up when you're bored or confused or need a pick me up. I am a person. I have feelings. You were driving me crazy. I begged you to leave me, to tell me it was over for good and leave me alone and you wouldn't. I was losing my mind. I just reacted". We talked for a while, he was pretty angry but did reaffirm his feelings for me before eventually hanging up.

 

So as of now: we are never speaking again and we are over forever and ever lol. But in all honesty, I don't feel like this is over. I have a feeling that once his "anger" wears off, he will be back. So right now I am working on myself to be strong enough for when that day comes, I can ignore him and really be done with this.

[whichwayisup]

DO you really want it over? Are you completely fed up and tired of this drama, the ups and downs, the pettiness and immaturity of this MM?

 

I hope you're able to get strong so you can end it and get out of this unhealthy and damaging affair.

[lostgirl87]

DO you really want it over? Are you completely fed up and tired of this drama, the ups and downs, the pettiness and immaturity of this MM?

 

I hope you're able to get strong so you can end it and get out of this unhealthy and damaging affair.

If I'm going to be 100% honest with this forum and myself: I still want him in my life. HOWEVER, I don't want this anymore. I don't want the secrets, the up and down, the drama, the lies/half-truths. That I am sick of. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of questioning, I'm tired of needing him in order to feel ok.

 

I need to accept that having him in my life will only continue to bring everything I don't want into my life and that's what I'm working on. I haven't reached out to him in any way and I'm not clinging to my phone wishing for it to ring. One day at a time...

[FoundMyStrength]

If I'm going to be 100% honest with this forum and myself: I still want him in my life. HOWEVER, I don't want this anymore. I don't want the secrets, the up and down, the drama, the lies/half-truths. That I am sick of. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of questioning, I'm tired of needing him in order to feel ok.

 

I need to accept that having him in my life will only continue to bring everything I don't want into my life and that's what I'm working on. I haven't reached out to him in any way and I'm not clinging to my phone wishing for it to ring. One day at a time...

 

Lost girl, I get what you're​ saying here and won't do the usual LS response of beating you over the head with NC, NC, NC.

 

This is, to certain extent, how I feel about xMM. I don't view him as a terrible guy. He made a choice. I wish it had been me, but it wasn't. I'm certainly not waiting for him, but if he came back to my life 100% free and clear, maybe I would consider it. Until then, it's just what you said: don't reach out, don't hope for a call, don't settle for second best (i.e, don't get back into the affair), and generally take it one day at a time. That's all we can do.

[S2B]

Ignoring him isn't enough. You want your power back? Start by changing your number and email address.

 

His wife is correct - he wants both of you. He can because you never end it for good.

 

You will only find a decent and available man when you become finished with this one who intends to use you forever. He's selfish...nothing about a selfish man is sexy...or attractive.

[whichwayisup]

If I'm going to be 100% honest with this forum and myself: I still want him in my life. HOWEVER, I don't want this anymore. I don't want the secrets, the up and down, the drama, the lies/half-truths. That I am sick of. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of questioning, I'm tired of needing him in order to feel ok.

 

I need to accept that having him in my life will only continue to bring everything I don't want into my life and that's what I'm working on. I haven't reached out to him in any way and I'm not clinging to my phone wishing for it to ring. One day at a time...

 

You can't have him in your life anymore. How can you get over him, grieve the loss, get him out of your heart and head by having him in your life? Even casually. Keep telling yourself that and you'll get stronger each day. Really allow yourself to cry and grieve the loss. Don't be afraid of feeling that pain.

[Eight]

If I'm going to be 100% honest with this forum and myself: I still want him in my life. HOWEVER, I don't want this anymore. I don't want the secrets, the up and down, the drama, the lies/half-truths. That I am sick of. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of questioning, I'm tired of needing him in order to feel ok.

 

I need to accept that having him in my life will only continue to bring everything I don't want into my life and that's what I'm working on. I haven't reached out to him in any way and I'm not clinging to my phone wishing for it to ring. One day at a time...

 

Lost Girl,

I hope you find yourself. Your self-worth again. The idea of "working on it" is good. But not having him in your life isn't something you work on. He either is a part of your life or he is not a part of it. It's like an alcoholic. You can't have the alcohol. It does sound like you are addicted according to your post; "needing" him to feel okay.

 

I know you don't want to hear the same old; and I wonder if that's why you've avoided coming here. I think deep in your heart and soul you know what you have to do. You have to think of him as dead. Gone. Over. It will never happen. You have to WORK ON you. Your life; your future. Without any thought of possibility of it being with him. And that's not a pleasant thing to do. I know. I wrote in my journal nearly the EXACT same words before I finally ended it. It sucks. It's hard. It's sad and you wonder why you f'd up your life like this.

 

Perhaps you could tell yourself 6 months of absolute NC? To give yourself a gift. A gift of being there for you. YOU putting YOU first for a change. Not waiting or depending on someone else to give you value. See how you feel then? I think you'll see you are much stronger emotionally after 6 months and feel so much healthier that you'll keep going...

 

For me, I've had to mourn the loss of what I thought could be. Love isn't always enough. It was like a death. It is still like that. The sting is still there but it's not making me feel like I'm out of my mind. Desperate. It's slowly fading.

 

I am sorry for you. But I do believe you will be a stronger person once you allow yourself to walk through the pain of truly letting go. Something better is waiting for you; but you have to stop holding on to what is so obviously not working.

 

Love should not be that hard. And Lost Girl; you deserve so much more.

[lostgirl87]

Got a call from MM: he claimed that I was harassing/calling/emailing/texting the wife and at work. I don't know where she works, I haven't contacted her at all. We ended up yelling at each other and talking over each other. He essentially threatened me that if I didn't stop, he could make my life hell too. I told him I was sick of this and will call the wife to straighten this out b/c nobody threatens me for BS I haven't done.

 

I called her and told her "look, I don't know what's going on but I am not calling you or trying to contact you in any way so please figure your relationship out without me." Her voice was shaky and she said "oh so someone is just saying it's you and that you and him are still talking and seeing each other?" And I said "I don't know what's going on or if you're even getting calls like that but I'm telling you so there's no confusion- he and I are not speaking, we are not seeing each other, we are done! I am gone so figure things out between the 2 of you". She then got all emotional and saying how I'm responsible for her hurting and this is all my fault and blah blah. Frankly I am done punishing myself and feeling bad for her. I did what I did but I tried to walk away. Her husband is the issue and now that she can't trust him, she is resorting to childish and borderline psychotic tricks and I'm not doing it.

 

I told him I was going to call her so after I talked to her I told him what I said: I didn't even tell her that we had talked for "closure" b/c I am not trying to drag this out. He wrote me saying he doesn't know who to believe anymore. This is INSANE.

 

I wish they'd focus on their healing or whatever they want to do. I'm not in the picture, i haven't seen him, we haven't been physical in months. I'm no longer the problem so I hope she can leave me out of it. It's clear that she's making all of this up to get what she thinks is the truth out of him and to make him hate me even more. Ughhhhh I'm so annoyed.

[whichwayisup]

ALL of you are addicted to the drama (so it seems!)! He is playing you both and loving the reaction around him.

 

Change your number, block him on all social media. Be done with him.

[lostgirl87]

Lost Girl,

I hope you find yourself. Your self-worth again. The idea of "working on it" is good. But not having him in your life isn't something you work on. He either is a part of your life or he is not a part of it. It's like an alcoholic. You can't have the alcohol. It does sound like you are addicted according to your post; "needing" him to feel okay.

 

I know you don't want to hear the same old; and I wonder if that's why you've avoided coming here. I think deep in your heart and soul you know what you have to do. You have to think of him as dead. Gone. Over. It will never happen. You have to WORK ON you. Your life; your future. Without any thought of possibility of it being with him. And that's not a pleasant thing to do. I know. I wrote in my journal nearly the EXACT same words before I finally ended it. It sucks. It's hard. It's sad and you wonder why you f'd up your life like this.

 

Perhaps you could tell yourself 6 months of absolute NC? To give yourself a gift. A gift of being there for you. YOU putting YOU first for a change. Not waiting or depending on someone else to give you value. See how you feel then? I think you'll see you are much stronger emotionally after 6 months and feel so much healthier that you'll keep going...

 

For me, I've had to mourn the loss of what I thought could be. Love isn't always enough. It was like a death. It is still like that. The sting is still there but it's not making me feel like I'm out of my mind. Desperate. It's slowly fading.

 

I am sorry for you. But I do believe you will be a stronger person once you allow yourself to walk through the pain of truly letting go. Something better is waiting for you; but you have to stop holding on to what is so obviously not working.

 

Love should not be that hard. And Lost Girl; you deserve so much more.

Thank you so much for your post and encouraging, supportive words.

 

When I say "working on it" I mean getting my heart to match my rational thought. I know he needs to be out of my life and he is. We haven't talked and definitely haven't seen each other. In my mind I know it's over. I want it to be over. This stress and anxiety is just not worth it!

 

I wish there was a pill I could take to stop feeling or thinking about this. I wish I. Like fast forward the next few months and be in a better place. I know I'll get over him and be okay. I don't think I'll always be in love with him or always think of him and yearn for him. It's just a matter of time. And time takes too long :/

[lostgirl87]

ALL of you are addicted to the drama (so it seems!)! He is playing you both and loving the reaction around him.

 

Change your number, block him on all social media. Be done with him.

I honestly think he's just stupid lol. He can't see that she is lying and making stuff up and he's too much of a b1tch to take a stand. I told him to ask for the supposed emails and the number that she is getting texts from. If it were me, it would come from my number. I am not hiding.

 

i honestly hate the drama. I've never had it in my life. It stresses me out. But I'm sick of allowing myself to be treated like dirt simply b/c I engaged in the affair. YES I was WRONG to get involved. Absolutely. But I've owned it. Nobody gets to make things up or threaten me for things that I haven't done. I want to be left alone. I've left them alone so they need to do the same.

[donbar]

LG, you are in a position now to get angry about his and her behavior. Use it. Realize that he is easily manipulated by his W and your future with him is over. Get as far away from their toxicity as possible (I might have made that word up;)

 

When things between my OW and I started to go wrong she resorted to talking to her friends about me. They sowed some dreadful lies about me, that I was a serial cheater, that I was just a cake-eater, that I couldn't possibly love her. It hurt me terribly. I've never stopped loving her and always will. Just know we will never be.

 

Other people will try to help, in your case his W is trying to influence him by telling lies. If you really were calling wouldn't there be phone records or evidence?

 

Leave him alone. He isn't smart enough for you.

[lostgirl87]

LG, you are in a position now to get angry about his and her behavior. Use it. Realize that he is easily manipulated by his W and your future with him is over. Get as far away from their toxicity as possible (I might have made that word up;)

 

When things between my OW and I started to go wrong she resorted to talking to her friends about me. They sowed some dreadful lies about me, that I was a serial cheater, that I was just a cake-eater, that I couldn't possibly love her. It hurt me terribly. I've never stopped loving her and always will. Just know we will never be.

 

Other people will try to help, in your case his W is trying to influence him by telling lies. If you really were calling wouldn't there be phone records or evidence?

 

Leave him alone. He isn't smart enough for you.

That's the thing: I had left him alone. We had our closure talk and we haven't spoken.

 

I know the fact that I have exposed the affair to her before doesn't give me the best credibility so I can see why he would believe that I reached back out to her. I'm sure after talking to me he will ask for the proof of what she received. He's all over the place!

[donbar]

So what is your plan?

[lostgirl87]

So what is your plan?

I have no plan. There's nothing I can do and nothing I want to do. I just want all of this to stop. Everyone is confused and emotional and I can't with all of this.

[waterwoman]

curious as to why you think she is lying? You aren't sending her messages but perhaps someone else is? It seems an odd thing to lie about. Does anyone else know enough to be doing this just to upset her, cause trouble for you or just create a bit more mayhem.

[S2B]

I have no plan. There's nothing I can do and nothing I want to do. I just want all of this to stop. Everyone is confused and emotional and I can't with all of this.

 

Then maybe get a plan to move forward with your life.

 

Life is too short to wait around for anyone.

[lostgirl87]

Then maybe get a plan to move forward with your life.

 

Life is too short to wait around for anyone.

Oh yeah absolutely. i read the question as if I was being asked what my plan was with regard to MM. that's what I have no plan for b/c there's nothing I want to do in terms of him. This is too messy and I want no part.

 

My reason for even calling her today was to defend myself. I will not allow anyone to think that I'm harassing or stalking them. I have to make it clear that I am not calling her or contacting her in any way. I really want nothing more to do with this situation.