definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[MJJean]

You know, it's entirely possible someone is contacting/harassing the wife. Maybe a past or present different OW? Could be he's screwed/is screwing around more than either you or the wife know about and he has other chickens coming home to roost.

[Starswillshine]

The OW harassed me. Still is. She changes her number through an app. Sometimes it is just a phone call with no one there. Sometimes it is texts with details she doesn't think I know. Etc. Sometimes it is drum up drama.

 

In the past, when they were in contact, I guess she was telling him the same. I was making it all up to cause drama and make sure he hates her. So I started to keep the proof. Eventually, he saw it for what it was. I realized in the past, when she would randomly send me these emails seething about things, when I told him about it, he thought I was embellishing. So finally, I just showed it all. All directly from her email itself.

[lostgirl87]

You know, it's entirely possible someone is contacting/harassing the wife. Maybe a past or present different OW? Could be he's screwed/is screwing around more than either you or the wife know about and he has other chickens coming home to roost.

I considered that. However she said that this person that is supposedly contacting her is me. That I'm telling her he and I are still seeing each other and speaking to each other. No one is contacting her- she's making it up. She thinks she's sneaky and will find out "the truth" this way and she wants him to hate me and see me as some crazy psycho.

[lostgirl87]

The OW harassed me. Still is. She changes her number through an app. Sometimes it is just a phone call with no one there. Sometimes it is texts with details she doesn't think I know. Etc. Sometimes it is drum up drama.

 

In the past, when they were in contact, I guess she was telling him the same. I was making it all up to cause drama and make sure he hates her. So I started to keep the proof. Eventually, he saw it for what it was. I realized in the past, when she would randomly send me these emails seething about things, when I told him about it, he thought I was embellishing. So finally, I just showed it all. All directly from her email itself.

Well I'm sorry that happened/is happening to you. However I'm not contacting his wife. When I have, I've said it was me and eventually texted or called from my own number. I don't have her email address and I don't know where she works. I wish she would keep the proof since that would show it's not me.

[Starswillshine]

Well I'm sorry that happened/is happening to you. However I'm not contacting his wife. When I have, I've said it was me and eventually texted or called from my own number. I don't have her email address and I don't know where she works. I wish she would keep the proof since that would show it's not me.

 

What I am saying is that even with proof that isn't your phone number, she can still claim it is you. As there are many apps out there that allow you to change your number at will.

 

Disengage. Not your circus, not your monkeys. He is married. Chosen to stay with his wife. Who cares if he hates you? Let him... makes it easier for you. More he hates you, the more he will stay away.

[BTDT2012]

Well I'm sorry that happened/is happening to you. However I'm not contacting his wife. When I have, I've said it was me and eventually texted or called from my own number. I don't have her email address and I don't know where she works. I wish she would keep the proof since that would show it's not me.

 

You are an intelligent woman. If nothing else, this should tell you definitively that his wife is his priority. The call to her was totally unnecessary, just a continuation of the drama. Block both of them. They are part of your past, not your future.

[lostgirl87]

What I am saying is that even with proof that isn't your phone number, she can still claim it is you. As there are many apps out there that allow you to change your number at will.

 

Disengage. Not your circus, not your monkeys. He is married. Chosen to stay with his wife. Who cares if he hates you? Let him... makes it easier for you. More he hates you, the more he will stay away.

Well I do care if he hates me. More importantly, I'm concerned that her lies will get me into some kind of trouble. It's one thing if I am contacting her but when I haven't and I'm being painted as someone who is stalking or harassing another, that's a big deal.

 

But oh well, nothing I can do now.

[lostgirl87]

You are an intelligent woman. If nothing else, this should tell you definitively that his wife is his priority. The call to her was totally unnecessary, just a continuation of the drama. Block both of them. They are part of your past, not your future.

The call to her was in response to the the call I received. If either of them are thinking that I am doing these things, that could result in legal trouble for me or at the minimum, rumors that I'm a stalker or something like that. That's my issue with this. I called her b/c if she IS getting these calls, it needs to be clear that it isn't me and I have nothing left to say and I have no contact with her husband. But I know she isn't getting any calls b/c I haven't seen or talked to him and I definitely haven't reached out to her.

 

He appears to have realized that it isn't true which is good. At least that means they won't try any legal action against me which again, is my biggest fear.

[Starswillshine]

The call to her was in response to the the call I received. If either of them are thinking that I am doing these things, that could result in legal trouble for me or at the minimum, rumors that I'm a stalker or something like that. That's my issue with this. I called her b/c if she IS getting these calls, it needs to be clear that it isn't me and I have nothing left to say and I have no contact with her husband. But I know she isn't getting any calls b/c I haven't seen or talked to him and I definitely haven't reached out to her.

 

He appears to have realized that it isn't true which is good. At least that means they won't try any legal action against me which again, is my biggest fear.

 

Except you HAVE talked to him.

 

And if you were afraid of legal issues, then you should know that contacting her wpuld be an issue. You would stay away. Completely from her. Now she has you calling her. Phone records can prove that. If it isn't true, then she would have no proof of contact. You then gave it to her.

 

Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement here.

[stillafool]

Maybe another OW is contacting the wife.

[lostgirl87]

Except you HAVE talked to him.

 

And if you were afraid of legal issues, then you should know that contacting her wpuld be an issue. You would stay away. Completely from her. Now she has you calling her. Phone records can prove that. If it isn't true, then she would have no proof of contact. You then gave it to her.

 

Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement here.

We talked once but are not continually speaking. And I didn't tell her that and I have no desire to tell her that. Her husband called me. She can take that up with him.

 

Well that's exactly my point: I'm not contacting her. I have done that twice but she is claiming that I am continuously harassing her. When I have, it's been clear that it's me and from my number. I want phone records to prove it b/c it will show that I am not harassing her. If she weren't making it up and if he wouldn't have called me to question or accuse me of harassing someone, I wouldn't have said anything to her b/c I have nothing to say to her. Being a BS doesnt give you a pass to make up stories. And I will not continue to punish myself and allow these types of things to be said about me and I will not tolerate this treatment. I am allowed to defend myself despite whatever mistake I made. I have owned every wrongdoing of mine but I won't allow anyone to use me as a punching bag b/c they can't address their issues correctly. If she wants answers and to know if he is talking to me then she needs to ask him. If she can't believe him then maybe she needs to reevaluate her decision to stay with him. I've been out. He and I haven't seen each other and other than the closure talk we had a while ago, we've had no contact. Her problem is her husband. Not me anymore.

[lostgirl87]

Maybe another OW is contacting the wife.

I don't think so. She claimed it was me (by name) that was contacting her. And using old facts as new ones to make it more plausible. She has 2 reasons for doing this: 1) she doesn't believe that he and I aren't speaking which sounds like she needs to reevaluate her decision to stay and 2) she wants to make sure she paints me in the worst light to guarantee that he never talks to me again.

[sandylee1]

You do realise that by having an affair with a MM, you brought all this on yourself don't you.

 

You say he won't leave you alone, but you really don't want him to leave you alone. If he came to you tomorrow and said he'd left her and wants to be with you, you'd have him. So you ought to be honest with yourself.

 

It's just way too much drama and your willpower is not there, otherwise you wouldn't need to report him to his wife to leave you alone.

 

Howabout telling him any further contact will result in a restraining order? I'm guessing that would end any chance of a relationship with him and you are still living in hope.

[lostgirl87]

You do realise that by having an affair with a MM, you brought all this on yourself don't you.

 

You say he won't leave you alone, but you really don't want him to leave you alone. If he came to you tomorrow and said he'd left her and wants to be with you, you'd have him. So you ought to be honest with yourself.

 

It's just way too much drama and your willpower is not there, otherwise you wouldn't need to report him to his wife to leave you alone.

 

Howabout telling him any further contact will result in a restraining order? I'm guessing that would end any chance of a relationship with him and you are still living in hope.

I don't think that my relationship with him justifies made up stories that if believed could result in me being seen as a stalker.. Sorry, BSs out there, I won't accept that no matter what I did.

 

I don't think I have ever denied loving him and wanting to be with him if he were single so I don't know what point you are trying to make with that statement. I have also been very honest about how weak I am b/c I do still love him.

 

A restraining order is not a joke. You don't get a restraining order against someone for a handful of calls. You have to prove continued harassing and stalking and in our jurisdiction, that the person needs protection from additional stalking. Based on the definition of stalking and the elements that must be met for a protective order, our situation nowhere near even qualifies for that.

[Starswillshine]

Like I said, OW tried this tactic. Not say you are doing this as you would have no reason to tell this story on here.

 

She nonstop would try to let me know they will still talking. (They were) and when he would confront hee about it, she would claim I was crazy. When I knew for certain.... and when I realized what was going on, I started keeping proof. It was ridiculous to even claim that I was trying to make up crap. Because yeah, sure, I want to make up crap that my husband is still involved with the other woman? What sense that would make when I am trying to reconcile my marriage? None, zero. Whether she is crazy or not is irrelevant to my marriage.

[Birdies]

I have experience with an emotionally unstable BW making up exorbitant insane claims to try to exact revenge. It's not fun. We do have to accept that by becoming a third person in a marriage and helping push the wife off the deep end into loonyville (although in my case she was already there well before the affair), we are kind of getting...... well, if not what we actually deserve, something that we can't be too self-righteously upset about.

 

That said, I would block MM and his wife from all forms of communication. There is nothing good to come from talking to either of them, now. By answering him when he calls, you are just continuing the cycle. You're giving him reason to believe that you're still emotionally involved in the affair and that you likely could be doing the harassing. Become the Ice Queen. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Let them figure their own drama out.

[lostgirl87]

Like I said, OW tried this tactic. Not say you are doing this as you would have no reason to tell this story on here.

 

She nonstop would try to let me know they will still talking. (They were) and when he would confront hee about it, she would claim I was crazy. When I knew for certain.... and when I realized what was going on, I started keeping proof. It was ridiculous to even claim that I was trying to make up crap. Because yeah, sure, I want to make up crap that my husband is still involved with the other woman? What sense that would make when I am trying to reconcile my marriage? None, zero. Whether she is crazy or not is irrelevant to my marriage.

I get what you're saying and I'm sorry that happened but in this case, the wife really is the one making things up. The reason it makes sense is b/c she doesn't believe her husband and she thinks that by saying that I am contacting her and telling her I'm still involved with him that it will make him confess to her AND it will make me look crazy which would result in him protecting her and hating me.

 

She has no support system b/c she hasn't told anyone. They are living at her parents' house so they can't even fight about this. They are walking around pretending everything is normal. She doesn't know how to handle this and is overwhelmed and doing these ridiculous things b/c she doesn't know how to deal with it all. She can't trust him and can't trust me, obviously. She is trying to find her own way to get to the "truth" and its backfiring. She didn't think hed call me and didn't expect me to know or reassure her that it wasn't true. I get that she is going through a hard time but they need to sort it out themselves and not make up conversations with me.

[Birdies]

She doesn't know how to handle this and is overwhelmed and doing these ridiculous things b/c she doesn't know how to deal with it all. She can't trust him and can't trust me, obviously. She is trying to find her own way to get to the "truth" and its backfiring. She didn't think hed call me and didn't expect me to know or reassure her that it wasn't true. I get that she is going through a hard time but they need to sort it out themselves and not make up conversations with me.

 

I mean, he lied to her and gaslit her for a long time even AFTER she found out about you, as the two of you kept meeting up after he said you were over. You can't really blame her for resorting to anything and everything to try to get the truth out of him. She doesn't owe you anything - she will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat to try to get to the bottom of what's going on in her marriage. Just like the BW in my case had no problem lying to my husband, my employers, mutual friends, the police, her own lawyer, the court system, etc. Once you become involved in such a reality-twisting betrayal, they have no reason to hold back. They don't owe you anything AND they're often emotionally unstable basket cases at this point (understandably). You would hope that they act like decent human beings, but that's often asking too much of someone in this situation.

 

Block them.

Edited May 26, 2017 by Birdies

[BTDT2012]

I don't think so. She claimed it was me (by name) that was contacting her. And using old facts as new ones to make it more plausible. She has 2 reasons for doing this: 1) she doesn't believe that he and I aren't speaking which sounds like she needs to reevaluate her decision to stay and 2) she wants to make sure she paints me in the worst light to guarantee that he never talks to me again.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

[BTDT2012]

I get what you're saying and I'm sorry that happened but in this case, the wife really is the one making things up. The reason it makes sense is b/c she doesn't believe her husband and she thinks that by saying that I am contacting her and telling her I'm still involved with him that it will make him confess to her AND it will make me look crazy which would result in him protecting her and hating me.

 

She has no support system b/c she hasn't told anyone. They are living at her parents' house so they can't even fight about this. They are walking around pretending everything is normal. She doesn't know how to handle this and is overwhelmed and doing these ridiculous things b/c she doesn't know how to deal with it all. She can't trust him and can't trust me, obviously. She is trying to find her own way to get to the "truth" and its backfiring. She didn't think hed call me and didn't expect me to know or reassure her that it wasn't true. I get that she is going through a hard time but they need to sort it out themselves and not make up conversations with me.

He is protecting her. You don't know what she is thinking, or what he is telling her. All you did by calling her was confirm that the two of you are still in contact. For your own sanity and protection, BLOCK THEM BOTH.

[sandylee1]

I don't think that my relationship with him justifies made up stories that if believed could result in me being seen as a stalker.. Sorry, BSs out there, I won't accept that no matter what I did.

 

I don't think I have ever denied loving him and wanting to be with him if he were single so I don't know what point you are trying to make with that statement. I have also been very honest about how weak I am b/c I do still love him.

 

A restraining order is not a joke. You don't get a restraining order against someone for a handful of calls. You have to prove continued harassing and stalking and in our jurisdiction, that the person needs protection from additional stalking. Based on the definition of stalking and the elements that must be met for a protective order, our situation nowhere near even qualifies for that.

 

But you've asked him repeatedly to stop contacting you and he doesn't listen. He continues to contact you.

 

Isn't that harassment? Or is it that you really aren't serious when you tell him not to contact you?

 

I think you're being unrealistic to not expect (after all the lying and deceit she's faced), that she's not going to care how any alleged lies make you feel.

 

Why would she care about when you didn't.

And I recall saying this earlier... You didn't consider the impact of this on your career, which was a big mistake.

 

Let's assume she is lying for arguments sake... And you do all the investigations possible and prove it.

 

Then imaging the headlines in your local press..

 

"wife falsely accuses husband's lawyer mistress of stalking after affair continues"

 

Who do you think looks worse in that scenario?

 

Regardless of no sex since dday, contact has remained, so in her mind the affair continues.

 

I'm only trying to get you to see how this would or could be perceived by outsiders.

 

Anything I say here, isn't out of personal bitterness, it's giving you an objective view of the situation you find yourself in.

[sandylee1]

He is protecting her. You don't know what she is thinking, or what he is telling her. All you did by calling her was confirm that the two of you are still in contact. For your own sanity and protection, BLOCK THEM BOTH.

 

Absolutely.

 

She now knows he still contacts you want to because if he was NC, he wouldn't.

 

You confirmed her suspicions.

 

Everything he does shows that she (after himself) is his priority.

 

You analysing their marriage, living arrangements and ability to argue in peace of is wasted thoughts and energy for you.

 

It's very unhealthily and it's not possible to run away, once you've added fuel to the fire.

 

As a lawyer, I'm sure you're familiar with mitigating circumstances.

 

You should also know that unless she had proof you were harrasing her with the phone calls, a stalking claim would get nowhere.

 

If she's doing it, it's to test him... And he's failed miserably.

 

You phoning to say it wasn't you (on the off chance she is receiving calls) isn't really going to be believed as true, based on the fact that the very nature of your relationship with her husband revolves around lies and deception.

 

How can you really expect her to believe you, as her husband's OW.

[lostgirl87]

I'm not analyzing their marriage. I said all of that to express that I do understand why she's reacting this way. That she's going through a tough time.

 

She doesn't owe me anything. She can throw me under the bus and make up whatever she wants. I don't owe her anything either to be honest. I had a relationship with him while he was married to her. Sure, it was wrong. I'm not expecting her to care about me. I didn't pay any mind to her when I was with him so makes sense. I just don't want to know about it. I didn't want to be dragged back in and yes, in hindsight I shouldn't have answered the calls.

 

I don't care if I confirmed her suspicions. He should have thought about that before calling me and involving me when I had already walked away. I also don't care if he is failing her tests lol. I did what I needed to do which was walk away.

 

I don't need to be convinced that I'm some evil vile man-stealing whore b/c that's not what I am so y'all are wasting your typing trying to convince me that this is what I get and I need to tolerate all of this crazy behavior. I'm fine with the fact that I need to walk away and accept that he and I are over and he's staying with her for whatever reasons. But that's it. As long as I stay away and respect that decision from here on out, I'm doing what I need to be doing.

[BTDT2012]

I don't need to be convinced that I'm some evil vile man-stealing whore b/c that's not what I am so y'all are wasting your typing trying to convince me that this is what I get and I need to tolerate all of this crazy behavior.

 

A man (or woman for that matter) isn't a piece of property that can be stolen. Blocking all communication means you won't be subjected to any crazy behavior.

[Starswillshine]

I don't think anyone is saying you are some evil man stealing whore nor does anyone believe this.