definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[Birdies]

I don't need to be convinced that I'm some evil vile man-stealing whore b/c that's not what I am so y'all are wasting your typing trying to convince me that this is what I get and I need to tolerate all of this crazy behavior.

 

Uhhhh??? Literally no one is saying any of this to you. There is literally only supportive and helpful advice here, which is actually pretty remarkable for an OW/OM thread.

[lostgirl87]

I didn't say anyone called me that. I did get told that this is what I get for getting involved with a married man (in so many words) so that's what I was referring to. I realize there are consequences. I'm paying for it. I really am. I just draw the line at lies and threats that get communicated to me. That's all.

 

And y'all are correct- not answering is the only way to deal with it and will be what I do from now on.

[whichwayisup]

Well I do care if he hates me. More importantly, I'm concerned that her lies will get me into some kind of trouble. It's one thing if I am contacting her but when I haven't and I'm being painted as someone who is stalking or harassing another, that's a big deal.

 

But oh well, nothing I can do now.

 

Unfortunately, the fallout and what comes your way is just part of the consequence of having an A with a MM. You can't control what she does. Rise above it and ignore them both.

 

Also, when you are over him, you won't care either way if he hates you or not.

[Starswillshine]

I didn't say anyone called me that. I did get told that this is what I get for getting involved with a married man (in so many words) so that's what I was referring to. I realize there are consequences. I'm paying for it. I really am. I just draw the line at lies and threats that get communicated to me. That's all.

 

And y'all are correct- not answering is the only way to deal with it and will be what I do from now on.

 

It does become a consequence of being involved in an affair. Like it or not, you put yourself in the middle of their marriage. So here you are... dealing with drama. Nothing cam be undone.

 

You sent her husband a long email discussing your feelings for him. You say you have an app that says he opened it 6 times... how do you know it wasn't her?

 

Just like you want her to know you are not her enemy. You should also know, she isn't your enemy. You wrote how she sent you screenshots of him telling her he loved her, she wasn't sending you those to compete. She is sending those to you for you to see how it really is. She wants to know if he is telling you those things because she wants to know the real nature of your relationship. Perhaps to see if it aligns with what he tells her. What he says, what you say means Jack. You both are proven liars to her. The only thing is physical proof. You took it as a game. This is her life.

[HereNorThere]

Oh lostgirl, how did you get so lost?

 

I work with a lot of attorneys and somehow the majority of my friends are now attorneys including 4 ex girlfriends. There's one in particular that could literally write your entire story. I mean, it's uncanny how much you two have in common down to your age. When you said you play lame games on your iPad, my heart dropped because I was like "omg, if it's Words with Friends, that's definitely her" but your story was definitely different enough to infer that you're not. To describe her, she's a very gifted T14 graduate, former fed clerk that moved onto big law and wins major, major cases. She's kind of a big deal now. Anyway, two months into dating me she tells me the same basic story you have told us. She's a former OW, etc. OM worked with us. We're all workaholics, most of their relationship was cultivated on gchat/apps and lunches together, etc.

 

This was in 2012. We didn't date much longer after she told me. Like you, she was severely emotionally unavailable, had intimacy issues, history of short lived "almost" relationships, etc. It was really weird because we could for talk for 12 hours straight online but in person, she was very reserved and quiet. To this day, I'm still trying to figure her out. She definitely left her mark on me.

 

The day after we broke up, OM was back on her fb friends list. She works at a firm down the street from him now and I've never seen her post another guy or relationship. I'm pretty freaking sure that he's been keeping her on the hook this whole time. His Facebook? He's had another kid with his wife. They're all smiles, going camping, hiking, posting about Jesus and their family and being blessed and all that. I can tell there hasn't been a d-day or anything. He keeps her right where he wants her and she's so busy with work and using the small amount of free time she has to work around his selfish schedule, I don't think she ever escaped his orbit. It's really sad all around.

 

The thing is, there's something about you that isn't like her go though. You're a firecracker. You seem very emotive and good at expressing yourself. Girl, you have got to figure out a way to channel this energy into something positive. You have everything going for you in life. I have no doubt there's some guy out there that would worship the ground you walk on if you let him. You have to want it though. You've got to set the ball in motion and make those changes. Not just to your routine, but your personality as well. And I'm not an Internet white knight neckbeard, I promise. My mom even says I'm a catch.

 

I could talk for hours about OM and the dynamics behind all of that but at the end of the conversation we wouldn't have made any progress. What can we do to get you on the right path? How do we show you that you're worth more than than this predatory human garbage OM? I believe you are but how do I convince you? How can I show you that you deserve more than parking lot lunches and snapchats? That's where we need to point this thing. The rest of it is just feeding your obsession and it's not healthy. We've got to get you obsessed with getting better instead trying to logic this relationship. You can keep crunching the numbers but I PROMISE you, you'll never make sense of it all. For every bat sh*t crazy comment you've made throughout this thread, you've also made a lot of really positive, introspective ones. It's a roller coaster. You progress, regress, rinse, repeat. How do we get you going back on a straight line? I really, truly believe it is possible, and I'm a pretty jaded person. If I believe in you, there's definitely some potential there. I am not known for giving out accolades undeservedly.

 

Like I said earlier, I know attorneys. Of course they're all different but part of the job is setting aside your personal bias to work with the merits of the case and precedents you come across. Channel that skill and find your inner objectivity. On paper, this is really, really toxic stuff. You know it but you're letting your emotion get in the way. STOP.

Edited May 27, 2017 by HereNorThere

[MJJean]

I considered that. However she said that this person that is supposedly contacting her is me. That I'm telling her he and I are still seeing each other and speaking to each other. No one is contacting her- she's making it up. She thinks she's sneaky and will find out "the truth" this way and she wants him to hate me and see me as some crazy psycho.

 

Or a random other OW is contacting her anonymously and she THINKS it's you. If I didn't know my H had multiple other women, I'd assume the one contacting me was the one I knew about.

[lostgirl87]

Or a random other OW is contacting her anonymously and she THINKS it's you. If I didn't know my H had multiple other women, I'd assume the one contacting me was the one I knew about.

Yeah I also thought that was the case but she straight up said I contacted her and used facts I have previously given her to justify why it was me. Shes not getting mysterious calls and assuming it's me. Otherwise I would continue thinking it was someone else. Again, i know for a fact (now) that it was her making it up.

[lostgirl87]

Oh lostgirl, how did you get so lost?

 

I work with a lot of attorneys and somehow the majority of my friends are now attorneys including 4 ex girlfriends. There's one in particular that could literally write your entire story. I mean, it's uncanny how much you two have in common down to your age. When you said you play lame games on your iPad, my heart dropped because I was like "omg, if it's Words with Friends, that's definitely her" but your story was definitely different enough to infer that you're not. To describe her, she's a very gifted T14 graduate, former fed clerk that moved onto big law and wins major, major cases. She's kind of a big deal now. Anyway, two months into dating me she tells me the same basic story you have told us. She's a former OW, etc. OM worked with us. We're all workaholics, most of their relationship was cultivated on gchat/apps and lunches together, etc.

 

This was in 2012. We didn't date much longer after she told me. Like you, she was severely emotionally unavailable, had intimacy issues, history of short lived "almost" relationships, etc. It was really weird because we could for talk for 12 hours straight online but in person, she was very reserved and quiet. To this day, I'm still trying to figure her out. She definitely left her mark on me.

 

The day after we broke up, OM was back on her fb friends list. She works at a firm down the street from him now and I've never seen her post another guy or relationship. I'm pretty freaking sure that he's been keeping her on the hook this whole time. His Facebook? He's had another kid with his wife. They're all smiles, going camping, hiking, posting about Jesus and their family and being blessed and all that. I can tell there hasn't been a d-day or anything. He keeps her right where he wants her and she's so busy with work and using the small amount of free time she has to work around his selfish schedule, I don't think she ever escaped his orbit. It's really sad all around.

 

The thing is, there's something about you that isn't like her go though. You're a firecracker. You seem very emotive and good at expressing yourself. Girl, you have got to figure out a way to channel this energy into something positive. You have everything going for you in life. I have no doubt there's some guy out there that would worship the ground you walk on if you let him. You have to want it though. You've got to set the ball in motion and make those changes. Not just to your routine, but your personality as well. And I'm not an Internet white knight neckbeard, I promise. My mom even says I'm a catch.

 

I could talk for hours about OM and the dynamics behind all of that but at the end of the conversation we wouldn't have made any progress. What can we do to get you on the right path? How do we show you that you're worth more than than this predatory human garbage OM? I believe you are but how do I convince you? How can I show you that you deserve more than parking lot lunches and snapchats? That's where we need to point this thing. The rest of it is just feeding your obsession and it's not healthy. We've got to get you obsessed with getting better instead trying to logic this relationship. You can keep crunching the numbers but I PROMISE you, you'll never make sense of it all. For every bat sh*t crazy comment you've made throughout this thread, you've also made a lot of really positive, introspective ones. It's a roller coaster. You progress, regress, rinse, repeat. How do we get you going back on a straight line? I really, truly believe it is possible, and I'm a pretty jaded person. If I believe in you, there's definitely some potential there. I am not known for giving out accolades undeservedly.

 

Like I said earlier, I know attorneys. Of course they're all different but part of the job is setting aside your personal bias to work with the merits of the case and precedents you come across. Channel that skill and find your inner objectivity. On paper, this is really, really toxic stuff. You know it but you're letting your emotion get in the way. STOP.

Omg. You made me cry!! In a good way. Nobody here has written something so powerful and real. I can't even express how much I appreciate you taking the time to write this.

 

I read this while with friends enjoying the long weekend on the water. I met some new people and I remembered how attractive I am and how much men are "intrigued" by me. That's not to say I get my value from male attention but every now and then a little attention is a good thing. I have a long road ahead of me but my head is in the right place. It's only a matter of getting my emotions and heart to be in that same place. I know I will get there eventually.

 

Again, thank you for this wonderful comment. I have saved this to my phone and will read this whenever I'm having a weak moment. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

[HereNorThere]

You're welcome. It was my pleasure.

 

We're all crowdsourcing and everyone here has mastered at least one thing but has deficits in others. I can show you how to leave a toxic relationship. I am an artist of the first date. I can't teach you how to trust again because that's why I'm here. I can't teach another guy how stop being a 30 something year old man-child, but I could show him to get date. He'll have to poke someone else for the knowledge to maintain a LTR.

 

Look, you fight this bastard one thought at a time. When you feel him creeping in, shut.it.down. I don't care if you have to say it out loud in front of everyone else, you say "NOT TODAY MOTHER****** YOU ARE NOT RUINING ANOTHER ONE OF MY DAYS! NOT NOW, NOT EVER!" and replace that thought with something better. Kittens usually works for me.

 

One thought at a time. You don't win the battle all at once. You gain ground, you lose some, you keep pressing forward. I'll let you get back to your weekend. Try to stay off your damn iPhone and live a little bit (no judgement from me if you need to post or vent, it's better than the alternative.) Don't let this crap keep pulling you down.

 

One thought at a time, lostgirl. You can do it. Hugs from Denver and godspeed.

 

*Another thing to save in your phone. You know, for emergencies. -> https://m.imgur.com/r/kittens/

Edited May 28, 2017 by HereNorThere

[What_Did_I_Do]

HNT, please show us how to leave a toxic relationship. Seems a lot of us here (me!) are missing that capability.

 

Sorry LG, don't want to hijack your thread but Here's advice could help us both out.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I'm not analyzing their marriage. I said all of that to express that I do understand why she's reacting this way. That she's going through a tough time.

 

She doesn't owe me anything. She can throw me under the bus and make up whatever she wants. I don't owe her anything either to be honest. I had a relationship with him while he was married to her. Sure, it was wrong. I'm not expecting her to care about me. I didn't pay any mind to her when I was with him so makes sense. I just don't want to know about it. I didn't want to be dragged back in and yes, in hindsight I shouldn't have answered the calls.

 

I don't care if I confirmed her suspicions. He should have thought about that before calling me and involving me when I had already walked away. I also don't care if he is failing her tests lol. I did what I needed to do which was walk away.

 

I don't need to be convinced that I'm some evil vile man-stealing whore b/c that's not what I am so y'all are wasting your typing trying to convince me that this is what I get and I need to tolerate all of this crazy behavior. I'm fine with the fact that I need to walk away and accept that he and I are over and he's staying with her for whatever reasons. But that's it. As long as I stay away and respect that decision from here on out, I'm doing what I need to be doing.

Hi dear, I must comment on this and the truth is you haven't walked away at anytime. That closure talk did more harm than good. You are still so drawn and feel the need to defend yourself like matter concerning him needs clarifications. Based on your comments I still think you seem to have a sense of loyalty to him.

 

I wish for you to get to the point where you just don't care about him and his drama cos that's what married men are. Nothing but drama!

 

If xmm ever contacted me.... it will be radio silence!!! He won't be even worthy of a response! You should get there

[lostgirl87]

It does become a consequence of being involved in an affair. Like it or not, you put yourself in the middle of their marriage. So here you are... dealing with drama. Nothing cam be undone.

 

You sent her husband a long email discussing your feelings for him. You say you have an app that says he opened it 6 times... how do you know it wasn't her?

 

Just like you want her to know you are not her enemy. You should also know, she isn't your enemy. You wrote how she sent you screenshots of him telling her he loved her, she wasn't sending you those to compete. She is sending those to you for you to see how it really is. She wants to know if he is telling you those things because she wants to know the real nature of your relationship. Perhaps to see if it aligns with what he tells her. What he says, what you say means Jack. You both are proven liars to her. The only thing is physical proof. You took it as a game. This is her life.

She doesn't have access to that email the last I knew. And he wrote to me from it just recently. I'm sure I would have heard about any email when I spoke with her since that email was sent before all of this new drama happened.

 

I never took anything as a game so please don't assume that about me. It's my life too. I'm not married to him but it's still my life. It's still a year and a half of my life that i wasted on someone I fell in love with. Sure I knew he was married shortly after this all started and could have ended it before I was this invested and I didn't. I can't go back in time. I let it all get away from me. I understand that and I'm not denying that. But please do not ever think that I am toying with anyone's emotions or find some type of amusement from being in this situation and being a participant in someone else's pain. After all that's what a game is right? Something you do for fun? I am actually offended by that b/c i am not evil. I have a good heart and my intention isn't ever to cause someone pain. If that's what I wanted to do, i would tell her or show her messages where he said extremely unkind things about her. I would show her intimate photos of us (not sexual). I would tell her about all the intimate and personal things he shared with me about her and her family. I am NOT evil. I do not enjoy this one bit.

 

And she already knows the nature of our relationship. She has seen texts where he and I were talking about our future wedding, messages where he repeatedly told me how much he loved me, how gorgeous I am and so much more. She has chosen to stay with him despite that and I will not continue to engage in the exchange of messages and trying to one-up her messages.

[HereNorThere]

HNT, please show us how to leave a toxic relationship. Seems a lot of us here (me!) are missing that capability.

 

Sorry LG, don't want to hijack your thread but Here's advice could help us both out.

 

It's not threadjacking because it's relevant to the thread. There's nothing that could be more relevant really.

 

Leaving these type of situations is the "hardest easy thing" I've ever had to do.

Blocking them and initiating NC is the biggest part for sure but you're not NC if you're still arguing with them in your in head. You're not NC if you're still trying to rehash the details in your mind. Like I said in a previous comment, this is done one thought at a time, not through one magic epiphany.

 

Everyone wants closure but closure is a myth. I can assure you that digging up Grandma for one last hug isn't going to make you feel any better. All it's going to do is make you feel dirty. You have to be okay without receiving the resolution you so deeply desire.

 

Sadly, a lot of people don't want to give up the intrusive thoughts. Seems counterintuitive, right? But it's their last link to the relationship. They know once they let them go, the last little bit of the relationship dies. Not that it wasn't already dead, but the pain, despite everything it's robbed from you guys, feels familiar. It's warm like an opiate and it keeps you on the hook. The highs, the lows, the fantasies, do become addictive. You may not truly be addicted to the person in a classical medical sense, but you do get addicted to the roller coaster ride. I know because I've been on it.

 

Always try to look at your situation from a 3rd person's perspective. From the outside looking in, there's no viable way for lostgirl to ever "win" or come out on top here if she continues. If OM left his wife tomorrow, moved into a new place, and they could actually start a "real" relationship, she still loses. No matter what she thinks or how she feels about him, she would spend the rest of her life watching her back until he traded her in for a new model. He's a scumbag who has no loyalty. That doesn't mean he's not a fun person to hang out with or not a passionate lover. By all accounts, it sounds like he's mastered that part. But we know based on his past behavior, on a long enough time scale, he wouldn't be loyal. And god forbid she had a kid with him, OMG. Then she's linked with the jerk for life. Right now she still has a chance to reclaim her life. There will be a day she doesn't though if she continues.

 

These emotional vampires rob you of your self worth and confidence. You have to get back out into the world and reclaim those things. Confidence isn't something you talk yourself into, it's the sum of the successes you've had. If you haven't been having successful relationships, you have no reason to be confident in the first place. Get out there and have some successful interactions first. Meet some new people and get that validation. You need it because so much of it has been stolen from you. Get drunk and make out with a biker if you have to, talk with a stranger at a bar and don't get their number later, lol (I'm joking, kinda.) You do this by any means necessary. It's a fight for your freedom which by proxy is a fight for your life because life isn't worth living if you're a slave to some abusive bastard.

 

Like I said, it's the hardest easy thing you'll ever have to do. Because the hard part isn't doing it, the hard part is accepting it and living without closure. The further you get away, the smaller the situation appears in your rearview mirror, the clearer the truth becomes. Sometimes in life you have to run towards the pain to get it over with. You'll see, but you have to want it first.

[lostgirl87]

Hi dear, I must comment on this and the truth is you haven't walked away at anytime. That closure talk did more harm than good. You are still so drawn and feel the need to defend yourself like matter concerning him needs clarifications. Based on your comments I still think you seem to have a sense of loyalty to him.

 

I wish for you to get to the point where you just don't care about him and his drama cos that's what married men are. Nothing but drama!

 

If xmm ever contacted me.... it will be radio silence!!! He won't be even worthy of a response! You should get there

At least to their knowledge, I've walked away b:c I don't try to communicate with him. The way I feel or what I post here is not something he knows about. I think the closure talk helped me b/c it didn't leave anything unanswered and that helps me with regard to my anxiety. I need to get answers and have finality.

 

The truth is there is nothing that he can give me or say to me that is going to make me 100% better today. That comes from me. I am aware of that. Am I there already? No, I'm not. But one day I will be. I don't think I'll love him forever. I don't think I'll compare every man to him. Maybe at first but not forever. I don't think my life will be forever negatively impacted b/c of him and this situation. But at least for right now, it hurts. And it's scary to imagine him completely gone but it's what needs to happen.

 

You're right that I still have a sense of loyalty to him. I absolutely do and that's why I didn't give his wife any real or damaging information even when she was placing all the blame on me. Although I know she was just emotional and taking out her frustrations on me so I don't fault her one bit. I could have said a lot but I chose not to. And the biggest reason for that is b/c I didn't want to make things worse for him. It's stupid of me but ultimately I feel better not having said anything else. I'm Extremely loyal. To a fault. I have never betrayed someone that I have any type of relationship with. It's simply not my style. And honestly I am not trying to break them up. Maybe they'll have a better chance of fixing things without any more additional information. If he can be happy with her then that's great. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy too. We all deserve that.

 

I want to get to that point too and I believe I will one day. I just have to get through the beginning phase and it's hard. But I'll be there eventually. And I pray that if he ever tries to contact me again or decides he wants me back in his life that I'll be strong enough to ignore him.

[Starswillshine]

She doesn't have access to that email the last I knew. And he wrote to me from it just recently. I'm sure I would have heard about any email when I spoke with her since that email was sent before all of this new drama happened.

 

I never took anything as a game so please don't assume that about me. It's my life too. I'm not married to him but it's still my life. It's still a year and a half of my life that i wasted on someone I fell in love with. Sure I knew he was married shortly after this all started and could have ended it before I was this invested and I didn't. I can't go back in time. I let it all get away from me. I understand that and I'm not denying that. But please do not ever think that I am toying with anyone's emotions or find some type of amusement from being in this situation and being a participant in someone else's pain. After all that's what a game is right? Something you do for fun? I am actually offended by that b/c i am not evil. I have a good heart and my intention isn't ever to cause someone pain. If that's what I wanted to do, i would tell her or show her messages where he said extremely unkind things about her. I would show her intimate photos of us (not sexual). I would tell her about all the intimate and personal things he shared with me about her and her family. I am NOT evil. I do not enjoy this one bit.

 

And she already knows the nature of our relationship. She has seen texts where he and I were talking about our future wedding, messages where he repeatedly told me how much he loved me, how gorgeous I am and so much more. She has chosen to stay with him despite that and I will not continue to engage in the exchange of messages and trying to one-up her messages.

 

My apologies. I didn't mean it to come off as you were playing a game. I mean you took it as she was playing a game. But I did a horrible job saying it.

 

I am sorry I offended you. Wasn't my intent.

[HereNorThere]

Sooooooo, how'd the day on the water go? Did it make you feel better being out in the real world and meeting new people? Did the distractions put a little more distance between you and the obsessive thoughts? Have any good epiphanies or introspective thoughts? Catch any cute boys giving you "the look" and did it make your heart race a little?

[lostgirl87]

Sooooooo, how'd the day on the water go? Did it make you feel better being out in the real world and meeting new people? Did the distractions put a little more distance between you and the obsessive thoughts? Have any good epiphanies or introspective thoughts? Catch any cute boys giving you "the look" and did it make your heart race a little?

Haha actually I did get some much needed male attention! It was great to be out in the sun and amongst great friends plus a few new people.

 

I had SO much fun. I had actually pulled a few of my close friends aside and told them that if they notice me withdrawing or spending too much time on my phone to please take it away b/c after a few drinks I may need help. Luckily I was stronger than I thought and kept my phone in my bag and stowed away. I didn't check it for close to 12 hours and it was liberating.

 

One of the guys (a fellow attorney) on the boat mentioned getting an even larger group together to rent a house boat for 24 hours. At that point I thought "wow. If MM were here or part of this group, he wouldn't be able to participate b/c chances are he wouldn't be able to afford it or I'd have to pay for both of us which would likely cause a fight". For the first i realized how limited my life would be if I ended up with him. I realized that even though I don't think I'm better than anyone because of my profession or income I shouldn't feel guilty for what I have or what I've accomplished. I deserve someone at or above my financial level. I'm not a gold digger or money-obsessed but I do enjoy treating myself and with MM, my life would be completely different than if I were to end up with another professional who is comparable to me.

 

I'm not over him by any means but flirting and getting to know attractive single professional men didremind me that there are so many options out there! That I AM a catch. That I wasn't meant for more and that I deserve more. It's only the beginning but I am coming to terms with the fact that this is the end. That I do love MM and what we had was probably real to an extent but it's not meant to be forever. He did show me that I am capable of loving and giving myself completely to someone so I'm thankful for that. Now I get to find a man who will love and give himself completely but only to me. Not someone I have to share.

[HereNorThere]

Good for you. Like I said, I know attorney culture very well. In fact, you know the attorney group I work with, or you at least know of them.

 

The culture is drastically different than STEM culture so it's hard for me to relate, but it's probably good to date other attorneys if you are one. Having standards (within reason) doesn't make you a gold digger as long as you're reasonable about it. I definitely feel you on wanting to date other people on the same financial level as you. I deal with this with friends as well as dating.

 

A hard truth in your story is that you drastically lowered your standards in just about every possible arena for this guy. That's okay, I've made that mistake myself. It's important for you to learn a lesson from it. Sorry, it's not meant to insult you, just the truth. You know your inherent worth, don't settle ever again.

 

Sorry if I missed it in your story, but are you in therapy? If not, you should have done that like yesterday. I've been going for about 4 years now and it really changed my life for the better. I think now is a really good time for you to channel some of your energy into self improvement. It pays off sooooo much, omg. I can't even begin to describe how much better my life is now that I've conquered some of my anxiety. It's opened a lot of doors for me that I didn't think we're possible. So happy for you, btw. I'm glad the Universe lined up in just the right way for my words to hit you when you needed them. It almost makes up for all the times it didn't line up and screwed me over.

Edited May 29, 2017 by HereNorThere

[lostgirl87]

Good for you. Like I said, I know attorney culture very well. In fact, you know the attorney group I work with, or you at least know of them.

 

The culture is drastically different than STEM culture so it's hard for me to relate, but it's probably good to date other attorneys if you are one. Having standards (within reason) doesn't make you a gold digger as long as you're reasonable about it. I definitely feel you on wanting to date other people on the same financial level as you. I deal with this with friends as well as dating.

 

A hard truth in your story is that you drastically lowered your standards in just about every possible arena for this guy. That's okay, I've made that mistake myself. It's important for you to learn a lesson from it. Sorry, it's not meant to insult you, just the truth. You know your inherent worth, don't settle ever again.

 

Sorry if I missed it in your story, but are you in therapy? If not, you should have done that like yesterday. I've been going for about 4 years now and it really changed my life for the better. I think now is a really good time for you to channel some of your energy into self improvement. It pays off sooooo much, omg. I can't even begin to describe how much better my life is now that I've conquered some of my anxiety. It's opened a lot of doors for me that I didn't think we're possible. So happy for you, btw. I'm glad the Universe lined up in just the right way for my words to hit you when you needed them. It almost makes up for all the times it didn't line up and screwed me over.

What's kind of funny is I don't feel like being with MM would have been settling or lowering my standards. Yes the income disparity and difference in education are important but what I had with him was so fulfilling in other ways. As I've stated on here, he and I didn't have sex for about 6-7 months. I've never dated a guy that long without a physical component to the relationship (especially b/c I am an extremely sexual person). I feel like him being married actually resulted in us getting to know each other as much as we did. He was my best friend. The person I told everything to. When I was stressed or overworked, he would do extra work to catch me up without me knowing. When I would have 6 cups of coffee b/c I was too busy to stop and actually eat, he would bring me lunch b/c he knew how sick I'd eventually get. He knew the real me and he cared for me and loved me and put up with me. When I was unemployed for months he would transfer money to me b/c he knew living off savings without replenishing was stressing me the eff out. All of these small things (that I've never received from a man) made me not care about our obvious differences. I felt that he loved me and I felt like he could take care of me and protect me and that he cared about me as a person. Not b/c I was pretty or an attorney or anything superficial but b/c I mattered to him. So again, I still don't feel like I lowered my standards b/c based on what I saw and the way he treated me, I was pretty damn lucky to have him. Obviously the game has changed and it got very complicated. And of course I shouldn't have felt lucky to have someone else's husband but again, based on what I thought we had, I thought we were going to figure it out. It felt real and if everything else had lined up, I feel like I would have been very happy with him. But, I guess it wasn't meant to be.

 

I have gone to therapy as a result of this situation 3 times. I haven't been consistent and I haven't been in a few weeks. I did a lot of therapy when I had my little hiccup with alcohol and amohetamines so I use the skills I learned in that to help ease my anxiety now. I may try and make therapy a more consistent thing but we'll see.

 

I'm so glad you found my thread and commented- I don't know if it was your words or the timing or both, but something has changed in me. You've sparked something and I'm extremely grateful.

[Syre17]

Hi lostgirl87,

 

I'm new here but read your post and can relate as I know what you have and are going through. I'm the OM on my situation and have hung on to the words, promises, and ambiguity for nearly five years until very recently. In my case however, I made the change, left my wife, for my AP who then stalled, came up with every excuse and flip flopped regularly. Like you, I lost my job in part due to the affair, just two weeks after leaving my wife for her. Ironically, my now ex wife is also an attorney.

 

I actually posted my story in this forum today and am waiting for the moderators to post it. Like you, I'm a confident, accomplished and desirable individual, but this (my) whole ordeal shook me to my core and to the depths of my soul. I wish that no one ever has to go through this because it's simply miserable.

 

My AP and I have been NC for almost two weeks now and I'm trying hard to forget and move on but the struggle is real when two people share an undeniably incredible bond. I know this all to well...

[lostgirl87]

Hi lostgirl87,

 

I'm new here but read your post and can relate as I know what you have and are going through. I'm the OM on my situation and have hung on to the words, promises, and ambiguity for nearly five years until very recently. In my case however, I made the change, left my wife, for my AP who then stalled, came up with every excuse and flip flopped regularly. Like you, I lost my job in part due to the affair, just two weeks after leaving my wife for her. Ironically, my now ex wife is also an attorney.

 

I actually posted my story in this forum today and am waiting for the moderators to post it. Like you, I'm a confident, accomplished and desirable individual, but this (my) whole ordeal shook me to my core and to the depths of my soul. I wish that no one ever has to go through this because it's simply miserable.

 

My AP and I have been NC for almost two weeks now and I'm trying hard to forget and move on but the struggle is real when two people share an undeniably incredible bond. I know this all to well...

Wow I am so sorry!! What you're going through has to be so much worse. Not only the duration of the relationship but also the fact that you made such big changes for your AP. I look forward to reading your story whenever it is posted.

 

The struggle is definitely real when you feel connected to someone on so many different levels. Here's hoping we can all get through this and come out stronger, better people!

[What_Did_I_Do]

Haha actually I did get some much needed male attention! It was great to be out in the sun and amongst great friends plus a few new people.

 

I had SO much fun. I had actually pulled a few of my close friends aside and told them that if they notice me withdrawing or spending too much time on my phone to please take it away b/c after a few drinks I may need help. Luckily I was stronger than I thought and kept my phone in my bag and stowed away. I didn't check it for close to 12 hours and it was liberating.

 

One of the guys (a fellow attorney) on the boat mentioned getting an even larger group together to rent a house boat for 24 hours. At that point I thought "wow. If MM were here or part of this group, he wouldn't be able to participate b/c chances are he wouldn't be able to afford it or I'd have to pay for both of us which would likely cause a fight". For the first i realized how limited my life would be if I ended up with him. I realized that even though I don't think I'm better than anyone because of my profession or income I shouldn't feel guilty for what I have or what I've accomplished. I deserve someone at or above my financial level. I'm not a gold digger or money-obsessed but I do enjoy treating myself and with MM, my life would be completely different than if I were to end up with another professional who is comparable to me.

 

I'm not over him by any means but flirting and getting to know attractive single professional men didremind me that there are so many options out there! That I AM a catch. That I wasn't meant for more and that I deserve more. It's only the beginning but I am coming to terms with the fact that this is the end. That I do love MM and what we had was probably real to an extent but it's not meant to be forever. He did show me that I am capable of loving and giving myself completely to someone so I'm thankful for that. Now I get to find a man who will love and give himself completely but only to me. Not someone I have to share.

 

YES. And if you use HNT's third party reference...think about it for a minute. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest is sleeping (amongst many, many other things) with their significant other...in what world should this we grit our teeth and accept this for ourselves?

 

There are great men out there for us. We just need to get out of this emotional quicksand first.

[Syre17]

I'm hoping it, my story, will be up soon. I wrote four pages in Word to tell it if that tells you anything...

 

I do know I've found it very therapeutic to read a lot of these posts and see and know that I'm not the only one who has gone through things such as this.

[HereNorThere]

YES. There are great men out there for us. We just need to get out of this emotional quicksand first.

 

EXACTLY. Resist the siren's song. Plug your ears with beeswax, tie yourself to the mast and keep the boat going straight.

 

She will run you into the rocks, don't fall for it.

 

http://hackthesystem.com/blog/odysseus-precommitment-and-the-siren-song/

Edited May 29, 2017 by HereNorThere

[jah526]

EXACTLY. Resist the siren's song. Plug your ears with beeswax, tie yourself to the mast and keep the boat going straight.

 

She will run you into the rocks, don't fall for it.

 

Odysseus, Precommitment, and the Siren Song

 

Funny, I was just thinking of the sirens story yesterday. In my case, the siren song comes through texts on my phone. Blocking is the beeswax.