definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[BaileyB]

One thing I learned, after lots of retrospection and self-examination, is that I cannot pursue my own happiness at someone else's expense.

 

This is a powerful statement, a powerful truth.

[freengreen]

Sorry I dont have any real advice par se but I am wondering on how you are scaling down your feelings for him...I mean I am totally incapable of doing it, may be we are just different. How do you deal with that back of the mind voice that you were physically involved once and you can re open that door again?

 

Just curious.

[Starswillshine]

I can understand why you would settle for this, but it does nothing to help you heal. You are just getting your hits but it is delaying something you NEED to do. You keep getting these fixes so you don't have the withdrawal symptoms, and those symptoms are down right scary. O get it. While I know I cannot operate my life like this, I also understand your thought process that if the person who promised to love his BS won't even do what is rught, why should you? Unless you are a psychopath, you, at least deep down, likely feel awful to be doing this to another person. Right now you are justifying it in your head, but I believe you feel it isn't right. And that right there in itself will keep you down.

 

And for what? What do you win in this? Nothing, at all. I am telling you, you are in the envious position because you don't have the life intertwined. You just simple move on. There isn't attorneys, mortgages, children, etc (don't think they have children, right?). There isn't the trying to figure out where you might live (because you shared a house) or how you will afford the things you have (because you are used to the dual income). Etc. It isn't a process.... except an emotional.

 

You are wasting your life and preventing yourself from a real respectful, true love.

 

I mean.... didn't this guy sleep with yet another co-worker when you were "broke up."

[jenkins95]

One thing I learned, after my A, after d-day, after lots of retrospection and self-examination, is that I cannot pursue my own happiness at someone else's expense.

 

This is what you are doing. You tell us the wife is currently a non-entity, not your problem. But you are pursuing your own happiness at the expense of his wife, whether she knows everything or not. I'm not talking about his actions; only yours, and how yours are fitting into the world. You are participating in something that feels good to you (this friendship) at someone else's expense.

 

FWIW, when I was in my A I didn't really care about his wife either. She was his problem, not mine. Heck, I didn't care much about my own husband in the situation. When I think about those thoughts now, it makes me sick that I was so callous and selfish. The mental gymnastics I went through to explain things to myself were epic. I was not a good person. Please don't be me at that time.

 

This is a great post and very much applies to me too. During my A, the OW didn't care about my wife (that was all in me in her eyes) and I reciprocated re her BF. Of course neither of us cared very much about anyone in reality, as long as we got our fun - looking back, I am horrified with shame. Like Bittersweetie said, don't be me! Do as I say, not what I did!!

 

The OW and I tried to be"friends" after the A - total disaster. I barely slept for those few weeks and most of our conversations during that time were characterised wth anger, jealousy, guilt and frustration - doesn't really sound much like friends does it? APs sometimes try to "scale back" but it rarely ever works, we always want more, lines get re-crossed and all the while other people are still being betrayed.

 

I know it's so so tough lostgirl, but try to be stronger than him. Walk away and rescue yourself. We are here for you.

 

I know you as getting a hard time re his wife, but please bare in mind that there are a lot of BS here. There aren't many more cruel things that a spouse can do than have an A, but many BS would probably say that false reconciliation is one of them.... and the fact is that, while this is his choice, you are enabling him. Please stop. x

 

Wish you all the best.

[BaileyB]

 

I mean.... didn't this guy sleep with yet another co-worker when you were "broke up."

 

For real?

 

So, he needs a woman in his bed and it doesn't really matter who that woman is... When you walked away, he had a vacant position and he was quick to fill it! If this is true, this guy is a real jerk!

Edited July 11, 2017 by BaileyB

[lostgirl87]

Sorry I dont have any real advice par se but I am wondering on how you are scaling down your feelings for him...I mean I am totally incapable of doing it, may be we are just different. How do you deal with that back of the mind voice that you were physically involved once and you can re open that door again?

 

Just curious.

I just don't think about it, honestly. Whenever I begin to overthink or get emotional I just snap out of it and focus on the right now. The right now, for me, is my career, my family and my dating/social life. Things that do not include him. I'm tired of being weak or sad over him. I'm sick of crying and I won't do it anymore. Mind over matter. If I just talk myself out of thinking about him and our situation then I'm good. Whenever I think too much (or get on here too much) I get anxious and sad and a bunch of other crappy feelings that I don't want to feel anymore so I simply don't think about it.

 

When he and I talk, it's light. We joke, give each other a hard time, poke fun at other people who annoy us (in a fun way- not in a bully kind of way lol)- stuff like that. Every now and then one or both of us will cross that line with either a sweet or sexual comment and most of the time the other person won't acknowledge it or will change the subject shortly afterward.

 

So that's really it- I just don't think too much about it or what it all means.

[niji]

One thing I learned, after my A, after d-day, after lots of retrospection and self-examination, is that I cannot pursue my own happiness at someone else's expense.

 

Wise words to live by. Makes me shudder at the thought of me once WANTING someone else's husband; repeating to myself, "Why would I do this to another fellow woman?", "Why would I do this to another human being?" and "How much would I enjoy it if I was the wife?" was very helpful in helping me not pursue my feelings.

 

At the end of the day though, it's really not about some random woman you have no connection with (except sharing a common used penis ), it's about YOU. Most people cannot be happy in the long run if that happiness is derived from another's misery. However, if YOU can, then by all means, you do what brings you happiness. Afterall, he owes her his vow, you don't.

Edited July 11, 2017 by niji

[ClassyTaste]

I read your first post and you mentioned he was flirting and talking only, met for casual drinks and he told you he was married giving you the heads up and opportunity to not get into a physical relationship. The one red flag I noticed was you said after he told you he was married that you cussed him out with every cuss word you could think of. I sense so much entitlement for yourself in your postings. You do not seem to have a healthy and happy inner core being. The way you mention you do not give one sh... about his wife is a pretty nasty way of thinking.

 

I know you do not like hearing the tough opinions of others, but you need to find happiness within yourself before anyone will be able to tolerate a relationship long term with you. I hear so many I's in your statements.

[lostgirl87]

Lol. It's MY story. My life. Why wouldn't I use a lot of I?? The only truth I know is mine. What I think, what I feel. That's the only thing I can control.

 

Yes I cussed him out b/c we had made it known we liked each other before he told me he was married.

 

I didn't say I don't give a sh* about his wife. I just said she wasn't my concern b/c she's not MY wife.

 

I'm perfectly happy, thanks. You don't know me b/c you read a few posts.

Edited July 11, 2017 by lostgirl87

[whichwayisup]

Lol. It's MY story. My life. Why wouldn't I use a lot of I?? The only truth I know is mine. What I think, what I feel. That's the only thing I can control.

 

Yes I cussed him out b/c we had made it known we liked each other before he told me he was married.

 

I didn't say I don't give a sh* about his wife. I just said she wasn't my concern b/c she's not MY wife.

 

I'm perfectly happy, thanks. You don't know me b/c you read a few posts.

Then try to be friends with him. Go through what others have gone through by trying to keep a friendship going...You'll learn through more painful experiences that it's impossible and pointless. But if you're happy where you are, why not? You have nothing to lose.

 

Those who are trying to help you are giving you genuine advice and trying to save you from hurting more.

[jenkins95]

...some random woman you have no connection with (except sharing a common used penis ),

 

Mini tj - this had me rolling on the floor wth laughter! Oh thank God for a little comic relief sometimes.

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful in what is a very serious thread, but we're all in pain here, and you have to take your laughs when they are presented to you! Brilliant line niji!

 

In fairness, lostgirl hasn't had much use of that penis lately and doesn't want to go down that path again - well done for that lostgirl.

 

Right, tj over, on with the serious discussion!

[Eccles]

Hmmm. Can't agree with what niji said. Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing? Haven't most of us made mistakes? Which is why we seek the support of this board? Key word here being 'support?'

[ClassyTaste]

Lol. It's MY story. My life. Why wouldn't I use a lot of I?? The only truth I know is mine. What I think, what I feel. That's the only thing I can control.

 

Yes I cussed him out b/c we had made it known we liked each other before he told me he was married.

 

I didn't say I don't give a sh* about his wife. I just said she wasn't my concern b/c she's not MY wife.

 

I'm perfectly happy, thanks. You don't know me b/c you read a few posts.

 

 

You are not happy. All your posts show you to be teetering on the edge. You are obsessed and this is going to get you into trouble, if you are unable to curb it and think about some therapy. I understand the pain and so do many others of heart break. By reading your posts it seems as if it has become a competition not a love story. You mentioned you are a size 6-8 and his wife is over 200 lbs. You mentioned you feel like you are way out of his league and made comments of finally, some much need man time. It seems your only validation is through meaningless attention.

 

I am a size 0, tall, and am told how beautiful I am by plenty of people in all walks of life, but this means nothing if you are not beautiful on the INSIDE. There are men in very high leagues with very average wives, but the catch is these women had something inside, a zest for life, and a way of working their surrounding that found them married to brilliant and very successful men who are mesmerized by them.

 

You are missing many essential components and you have no insight to what they are. Once you find these, you can then believe in a 'real,' and 'genuine,'way that you are this great catch.

 

You can dismiss what I am telling you, but you are not appearing to have a stable core self.

[Eccles]

Of course Lostgirl isn't happy, of course she is 'teetering on the edge.' If she was happy she wouldn't be asking for support here, would she? I could be wrong, but I'm guessing she knows this.

[lostgirl87]

Then try to be friends with him. Go through what others have gone through by trying to keep a friendship going...You'll learn through more painful experiences that it's impossible and pointless. But if you're happy where you are, why not? You have nothing to lose.

 

Those who are trying to help you are giving you genuine advice and trying to save you from hurting more.

Ok did you seriously not read where I acknowledged what EVERYONE said and I tied it to validating my fears of falling. Ack into what we were doing and that I didn't want that. I said something along the lines of "after writing this out it's clear tbjs is exactly what will happen". Nowhere did I say "y'all are wrong and I'm right".

 

 

Sometimes y'all just love picking one sentence to jump all over someone.

[lostgirl87]

You are not happy. All your posts show you to be teetering on the edge. You are obsessed and this is going to get you into trouble, if you are unable to curb it and think about some therapy. I understand the pain and so do many others of heart break. By reading your posts it seems as if it has become a competition not a love story. You mentioned you are a size 6-8 and his wife is over 200 lbs. You mentioned you feel like you are way out of his league and made comments of finally, some much need man time. It seems your only validation is through meaningless attention.

 

I am a size 0, tall, and am told how beautiful I am by plenty of people in all walks of life, but this means nothing if you are not beautiful on the INSIDE. There are men in very high leagues with very average wives, but the catch is these women had something inside, a zest for life, and a way of working their surrounding that found them married to brilliant and very successful men who are mesmerized by them.

 

You are missing many essential components and you have no insight to what they are. Once you find these, you can then believe in a 'real,' and 'genuine,'way that you are this great catch.

 

You can dismiss what I am telling you, but you are not appearing to have a stable core self.

Good god. I can't with you. You are basing my entire life on THIS post. This aspect of my life.

 

When I was talking about what I looked like compared to her it was bc that was the topic.

 

Again you do not know me. I'm a great catch and I don't need your approval or to prove one thing to you.

[Bittersweetie]

I didn't say I don't give a sh* about his wife. I just said she wasn't my concern b/c she's not MY wife.

 

I'm perfectly happy, thanks. You don't know me b/c you read a few posts.

 

The wife is not your concern...yet she is the person at whose expense you are finding happiness. She is a concern. She's not your wife? True. But she is a person, just like you, like me, like everyone on this board who hurts.

 

There have been many on this board over the seven years I have been here who read but are not ready to listen. I think that is you at this time, and that is okay. I just hope that someday, soon, you will being to see the unhealthiness of your actions and the ripple effects they cause. I can only speak for myself but I am so much more happier and satisfied with my life living authentically over how I was when in the A and thinking I had everything under control. GL.

[Imajerk17]

Good god. I can't with you. You are basing my entire life on THIS post. This aspect of my life.

 

When I was talking about what I looked like compared to her it was bc that was the topic.

 

Again you do not know me. I'm a great catch and I don't need your approval or to prove one thing to you.

 

I'm sorry OP, but "great catches" don't go poaching other women's husbands even for "friendship". They don't go looking for their happiness at the expense of others. Instead they go get themselves their own man.

 

That's not meant as a put-down, that is instead meant as a call to action. You can turn around and make the right decision to say no to all this nonsense and go NC. You however STILL seem to want to take morality out of all this and continue, saying that MM's wife is not your concern. But, thing is, you CAN'T take morality out of it.

 

I think the reason why you are getting harsh comments from several different posters is because you are saying that you KNOW it's wrong, you KNOW it won't end well, yet you are STILL going to try for "friendship" w MM anyway, his wife be damned. So people are concluding that you really need to wake up and get out of your trance.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Birdies]

Ok did you seriously not read where I acknowledged what EVERYONE said and I tied it to validating my fears of falling. Ack into what we were doing and that I didn't want that. I said something along the lines of "after writing this out it's clear tbjs is exactly what will happen". Nowhere did I say "y'all are wrong and I'm right".

 

 

Sometimes y'all just love picking one sentence to jump all over someone.

 

You're doing the exact same thing. You have plenty of supportive but realistic advice on this thread that you seem to be ignoring, so you can get in internet fights with the couple people who are being kind of obnoxious. (Which shouldn't be a surprise frankly, when you're asking for input on an affair and saying the wife isn't your problem. That will always get a reaction.)

 

Just a thought, why don't you try ignoring THEM and responding to the helpful posts? There is a lot of collective wisdom here, if you have the self-control to filter out the useless stuff and absorb the useful stuff (and especially the hard-to-hear but useful stuff).

Edited July 11, 2017 by Birdies

[BaileyB]

Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

You are feeling very defensive, and that is for good reason. There has been a lot of personal experience, hard-earned wisdom, and truth shared in this thread. Don't just dismiss it because it's not what you want to hear.

 

You have a lot of growing and maturing to do. You have chosen a hard road. I hope with time, you will understand some of what has been shared in this discussion.

[freengreen]

Of course Lostgirl isn't happy, of course she is 'teetering on the edge.' If she was happy she wouldn't be asking for support here, would she? I could be wrong, but I'm guessing she knows this.

Sometimes the crowd here seem to anti support because supporting a person through a wrong act makes it all worse...this dosnt really look like support but it is for sure.

[freengreen]

Lostgirl,

 

Your posts in other threads are very balanced ones, but here it seems like the influx of 'dont do this' messages is overwhelming you. They are a 'helpful mob'.. but..If you say you are happy then you are happy, I cant argue that.

 

But think, a young attractive confident woman like you IS a catch and you are wasting that fact on this man who has crowded his heart with 2 ( or more) women. This makes the situation more ironical than what it is. Cut the leash, roam free and discover what is yours and yours alone...

 

Takecare you

Edited July 11, 2017 by freengreen

[whichwayisup]

Ok did you seriously not read where I acknowledged what EVERYONE said and I tied it to validating my fears of falling. Ack into what we were doing and that I didn't want that. I said something along the lines of "after writing this out it's clear tbjs is exactly what will happen". Nowhere did I say "y'all are wrong and I'm right".

 

 

Sometimes y'all just love picking one sentence to jump all over someone.

 

Respectfully I'm out of thread as of now as you're taking what I've said out of context and not understanding my point with an open mind. I'm sorry you feel attacked, none of what I said was meant to upset you.

 

Good luck and I hope you are able to cut him out of your life once and for all.

[OldRover]

Hey y'all,

 

<<<<<<<Is it possible to be "just friends" or even acquaintances after an affair? >>>>>>

 

Lost,

 

Against everyone else's opinion.. I'd say sure you can. It may be challenging at times in trying to respect boundaries and may blow up is the wife finds out how much "friends" you have been. But you can keep in touch and as time goes on, it becomes easier.

 

I know a few that have done this.... some did ok and some did not. So it IS possible.

[OldRover]

For real?

 

So, he needs a woman in his bed and it doesn't really matter who that woman is... When you walked away, he had a vacant position and he was quick to fill it! If this is true, this guy is a real jerk!

 

Jerk? What the hell is wrong with that? He can all the consenting women he wants..... that's THEIR business. He's not obligated.