definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[Birdies]

This trip is his way of showing me that he'll be filing by the time the trip comes to be. I think you have the wrong idea...

 

Thats why I said the worst case scenario is him not making the moves to leave and he ends up not coming but a big portion of my trip is already paid for. He won't be coming if he is still married b/c again, like I said, I won't even be seeing him in person until that happens.

 

Hmm, well at least this could serve as a mental deadline for you? If he loses a bunch of money because he still hasn't extricated himself, and still hasn't been honest with his wife, that's saying a lot.

 

I hope you do think about what I said about whether you want someone so - how to put it? - not ballsy for a long-term partner. Seeing how someone rises to the challenge of a very difficult and confusing situation, or fails to rise and waffles about, afraid of being decisive, says a lot. Again, I'm not judging and I say that as someone in a relationship with my own conflict-avoidant exMM. These are character traits that will not change, so you need to think about whether you could rely him in the ways you would need to through life's inherent challenges.

[lostgirl87]

Hmm, well at least this could serve as a mental deadline for you? If he loses a bunch of money because he still hasn't extricated himself, and still hasn't been honest with his wife, that's saying a lot.

 

I hope you do think about what I said about whether you want someone so - how to put it? - not ballsy for a long-term partner. Seeing how someone rises to the challenge of a very difficult and confusing situation, or fails to rise and waffles about, afraid of being decisive, says a lot. Again, I'm not judging and I say that as someone in a relationship with my own conflict-avoidant exMM. These are character traits that will not change, so you need to think about whether you could rely him in the ways you would need to through life's inherent challenges.

Definitely something that's been on my mind a lot. I believe that my "whatever- we will see what happens but I'll keep living my life" attitude is indicative of me slowly but surely becoming indifferent towards him or our potential future together. And I'm getting there b/c he has dragged this out for so long: an entire year-long affair, 2 DDays brought on by me (not my proudest moments), our current "friendship" and no PA that has been going on for another several months and we're still here.

 

This is dangerous territory for me to be in b/c I know myself and this means that I'm not too far from simply not caring at all. Am I there now? Nope. Or I wouldn't be considering all of this but I feel differently than I did 6 months ago where I was hanging on to every word and promise.

[Blanco]

Obviously that's the most logical approach but he says he needs more time for whatever reason.

 

Whatever reason = he doesn't really want to file

[lostgirl87]

Whatever reason = he doesn't really want to file

Well then at least I get a free trip

[Blanco]

And your friends are cool with a portion of your girls getaway being allocated to the married guy you're having an affair with?

[BaileyB]

So over the last few weeks, some things have changed. He has told me that his marriage will not work but that he can't leave right away. I've heard this before so I wasn't phased by it at all. He actually met with a divorce attorney (referral from me from a while ago). Of course I don't know the ins and outs of that meeting but I do know he had a consult. I still haven't seen him and I won't until/unless there are some real changes. He says he needs a little time b/c he feels it is worse to leave her now b/c it will be for me and that will hurt her more than just separating b/c reconciliation isn't working. I said that's fine and I won't rush him or pressure him in any way but I also made it clear that I will continue dating and we will not be seeing each other. He understood.

 

Here's the kicker- I have a big birthday coming up later this year. My girlfriends and I have planned an amazing trip and I told him about it while half jokingly inviting him. Turns out, he wants to come and has already bought his and my airfare and paid for the resort. I got the confirmation email. So I guess worst case scenario is he doesn't make moves to actually leave but I get a good portion of my birthday trip paid for. I hate even saying that b/c I've never asked or taken anything from a man. I've taken care of myself just fine and would never use a man for free trips or fancy gifts. But if it's already paid for and he ends up not able to go, that's notneally my fault. I want to add that him paying for this and wanting to go away with me is HUGE. First, he doesn't make nearly as much money as I do so it's not like this is just another expense. This is a lot for him. Second, we've barely spent the night together and we have definitely never spent consecutive days together. So it's somewhat promising but with everything I've been through with him, I'm still very cautious.

 

So we shall see where things end up. I do still love him but I am dating and having fun. I'm not ready to be physical with someone new b/c I'm still a little beaten up from the last year and a half but I do enjoy going on dates and having fun with new, single men. Time will tell what happens!

 

This makes me so sad... It's clear what you want to happen. Sadly, I fear that you are about to be disappointed, yet again...

 

If I was one of your girlfriends on this trip, I'd be pretty concerned for you and very unhappy with this whole situation... I do hope it works out for you.

Edited August 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[jenkins95]

Obviously that's the most logical approach but he says he needs more time for whatever reason. I really am over questioning and prodding him which is why when he said he needed more time I said I'd heard that before and nothing would change. Then he did this. So am I convinced? Heck no. Not even close. If he wants to spend his money on this "grand gesture" that's on him. If he ends up not following through, that's also on him but I'll be vacationing with my friends so I'll be ok:)

 

Have a nice holiday lostgirl.

 

So, unless you see some real changes before the holiday, I guess it will be separate beds when you are there ?

[Imajerk17]

I think OP is going to do whatever she is going to do when it comes to MM. I mean, she basically ignored everyone's advice to go NC ect. It's pretty clear that she simply is too far gone when it comes to MM (no matter what she says). Looks like she will just have to learn the hard way.

 

What OP may not be getting is how she is hurting herself when it comes to future relationships, 5 or 10 years down. Most men myself included just do not want to get involved w a mistress. They're Bad News, just too much of a risk to entrust your heart to. I mean, the reasoning goes like this: If a woman can poach another woman's husband, then there likely wouldn't be much stopping her from cheating on her own spouse if "feelings" ever pulled her to do so. Harsh but honest.

 

Best of luck OP.

Edited August 5, 2017 by Imajerk17

[lostgirl87]

Have a nice holiday lostgirl.

 

So, unless you see some real changes before the holiday, I guess it will be separate beds when you are there ?

Thank you!

 

And no, if he doesn't file and/or move out, he isn't going. Period. The hotel was booked under my name since I will be there several days before him and will obviously be checking in without him.

[lostgirl87]

I think OP is going to do whatever she is going to do when it comes to MM. I mean, she basically ignored everyone's advice to go NC ect. It's pretty clear that she simply is too far gone when it comes to MM (no matter what she says). Looks like she will just have to learn the hard way.

 

What OP may not be getting is how she is hurting herself when it comes to future relationships, 5 or 10 years down. Most men myself included just do not want to get involved w a mistress. They're Bad News, just too much of a risk to entrust your heart to. I mean, the reasoning goes like this: If a woman can poach another woman's husband, then there likely wouldn't be much stopping her from cheating on her own spouse if "feelings" ever pulled her to do so. Harsh but honest.

 

Best of luck OP.

I appreciate the concern and the well wishes. And maybe it's wrong but believe me, no man I date will know I dated a married man. We don't run in the same social group, we have no mutual friends- unless I say something Or one of my close friends decides to betray me, a future boyfriend will not find out.

[Imajerk17]

I appreciate the concern and the well wishes. And maybe it's wrong but believe me, no man I date will know I dated a married man. We don't run in the same social group, we have no mutual friends- unless I say something Or one of my close friends decides to betray me, a future boyfriend will not find out.

 

I wouldn't be too sure about that though. I mean, there is at least one coworker--former or current--who knows. And last but not least, MM may end up coming back when you least want him to.

 

What I feel is truly sad is that you have gotten into the habit of being deceitful, of covering things up.

[Birdies]

I appreciate the concern and the well wishes. And maybe it's wrong but believe me, no man I date will know I dated a married man. We don't run in the same social group, we have no mutual friends- unless I say something Or one of my close friends decides to betray me, a future boyfriend will not find out.

 

I can understand wanting to keep it under wraps, but what a big thing to keep from a future partner and possibly your life-long spouse. Wouldn't it feel so inauthenic to be discussing past loves and just keep this entire experience a big secret? Lying by omission. That's one of the worst things about being involved in infidelity - how it makes you predisposed to lying and being inauthentic and being ok with having a secret life that you cover up. It's definitely something I'm fighting too at times.

[S2B]

Call his wife on the phone and find out what really happened!

 

Do not wait! You really have NO clear idea that she expects him to divorce - or not.

 

IF she already knows - why would he need to wait?

 

I'd bet money he hasn't told her one thing.

 

He's lied before - if he told her he'd be ready to divorce her.

[sandylee1]

I wouldn't be too sure about that though. I mean, there is at least one coworker--former or current--who knows. And last but not least, MM may end up coming back when you least want him to.

 

What I feel is truly sad is that you have gotten into the habit of being deceitful, of covering things up.

 

Bolded for emphasis. It's so very true. It's easy to think nobody will ever find out... But you'd be surprised what a small world it can be.

 

Just recently a coworker of my husband's brought his OW to my husband's party in place of his wife... Then another friend recognised the OW as a teacher at her son's school.

 

Not great for a teacher's reputation or that of any other professional and a potential partner could also have an issue with.

 

Remember.... Six degrees of separation

[reed1971]

How are things going lost girl?

[lostgirl87]

How are things going lost girl?

Well I am a little hesitant to write this but since I can't private message you, here it goes:

 

We have filed for his divorce! It was VERY rocky for a few weeks and to be honest, I am still a little unsure of how this is going to go but at least the first step has been taken. We are "dating" but trying to not be too out there. He has moved in to his old house that his mom is now living in and we are looking at places to possibly move in together in a few months. The wife hasn't been served and I am getting nervous that she is purposely avoiding being served just to be complicated. I find myself constantly checking the court website to see if the sheriff's entry of service has been added :/

 

I figured once he moved out and filed that I would feel good but honestly, I am all over the place. I am afraid that he will go back to her, I am afraid that he will want to date other people, I am afraid that our baggage may keep us from working out. It's just a scary time. Having said that, most of the time, I am happy. I can't get enough of him and it looks like he feels the same. We are happy. I am trying not to overwhelm him b/c I am sure he's grieving the end of the marriage despite the fact that he's happy with me.

 

So again, I am all over the place lol. He and I are great when it's just he and I and we don't have to think about all the other stuff, i.e. the divorce, our families, trust concerns, etc. Now that we finally have our chance, I am hoping we can get through this. Only time will tell.

 

I wish I had stopped to realize that him filing for divorce wouldn't be the end of our troubles. If anything, it was the beginning of the real hard stuff ha. Either way, I am glad we are at this point and can finally be "us".

[S2B]

Why could you not wait to see him until his divorce is final?

 

You are in for a serious roller coaster ride.

 

She can be served any time - I'm sure she's home at night, right?

 

What's he waiting for?

[lostgirl87]

Why could you not wait to see him until his divorce is final?

 

You are in for a serious roller coaster ride.

 

She can be served any time - I'm sure she's home at night, right?

 

What's he waiting for?

He's not the one serving her- the sheriff is. The divorce is filed (only been a little over week) so we're waiting on service.

Edited September 19, 2017 by lostgirl87

[Trip2TheSky]

Well, I'm not sure of whose side I should be on, but after 32 pages I've come to like the OP a little bit, despite her decisions.

 

I hope everything works out for the best with everyone involved. I try to understand all sides and even things I could never fathom doing myself.

 

Everyone has a reason and justification for their actions.

 

I hope he really does love you and is fair to both you and his wife.

 

I actually like all of you and after being on almost every relationship forum out there, I'd say I'm best suited for this one.

[lostgirl87]

Well, I'm not sure of whose side I should be on, but after 32 pages I've come to like the OP a little bit, despite her decisions.

 

I hope everything works out for the best with everyone involved. I try to understand all sides and even things I could never fathom doing myself.

 

Everyone has a reason and justification for their actions.

 

I hope he really does love you and is fair to both you and his wife.

 

I actually like all of you and after being on almost every relationship forum out there, I'd say I'm best suited for this one.

Aw thank you! That's nice.

 

Yes he's being more than fair with her- she's keeping everything including the money in their joint account and since she wants to keep her car, he will be helping her with the monthly payment (even though she makes more money than he does) and once it's paid he will sign the title over to her.

 

And yeah I hope he really loves me too lol although I don't doubt the love at this point. Just a matter of "is love enough?" right now. I know he feels bad for hurting her and a small fear of mine is that the guilt or familiar love will send him back to her. But I know him pretty well and if he weren't sure about this, he wouldn't have moved home and he definitely wouldn't have filed. I mean he put it off this long!

 

But time will tell. Thank you again for your well wishes!

[K.K.]

Everything you said about being afraid of him going back to her or even dating other people now that he's moved out is what went through my mind too if my ex MM ever would've really left his wife.

 

I'm scared for you and not sure how it's going to play out but I just wanted you to know that I wish you the best of luck

with this, lostgirl.

 

Keep updating.

[whichwayisup]

What do you mean "WE filed for his divorce"?

 

Until you actually see signed and legal documents, nothing has changed.

 

Tell him to come to you when it's final and has proof.

[S2B]

He's not the one serving her- the sheriff is. The divorce is filed (only been a little over week) so we're waiting on service.

 

But why are YOU checking online - why isn't your MM keeping you up to speed about when it gets served?

 

And stop saying WE - you aren't him - he is the one married to her.

 

She is considering them as "we".

 

Until he's divorced - there really is no we, as in you and him.

 

You will save yourself a LOT of heartache if you step completely away until his divorce is final.

 

IF this is love he will wait until he's a free man and get counseling in the meantime. He needs it - think about it - he's been cheating and now he's getting divorced. He needs time to process the last relationship and put it to rest. Learn what he's done wrong and learn how to not do that again.

 

Trust within the relationship will be difficult without processing and professional help.

 

I wish you the best but please make decisions in your best interest for the long term best outcome.

[reed1971]

Hi Lost Girl,

 

I have followed your story and admired the way you have conducted yourself on this forum.

 

For what it is worth I am really happy to hear that things are progressing. I know there is a long road ahead, and probably quite a few obstacles to face... but lets be honest ALL relationships face obstacles.

 

I think this forum is amazing and it is great to listen to others advice and opinions, but when all is said and done no one really knows except you... every single situation is different, an no one has walked in your shoes.

 

I am a believer that love should be honoured where it is found, and sometimes that involves walking a difficult path.

 

You seem to me like a smart and insightful woman, and I'm glad you doing what you feel is right for you.

 

Please keep posting... I really wish I could private message you too!

 

x

[lostgirl87]

What do you mean "WE filed for his divorce"?

 

Until you actually see signed and legal documents, nothing has changed.

 

Tell him to come to you when it's final and has proof.

I say "we" b/c we drew everything up together and went to the courthouse together to file it.

 

After she is served, the divorce could be final in a month. Our state does uncontested divorces pretty quickly. He and I have been in each other's lives for almost the entire

time so it makes no sense to leave him or cut him out now that he's finally filed.