definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[Spring23]

Update:

 

Wife still hasn't confronted him. She texted me to ask if he had reached out and I told her the truth- he had. He's been apologizing to me all day while they're at a family function. He drove to my apartment (after dropping off her parents) to talk and I didn't see him.

 

The reason I told the wife wasn't entirely for anger. It was mostly b/c this is the ONLY way he won't try to come back in my life and will focus on the marriage. I knew he wouldn't go away. He's been telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for ruining our future together. Wife and I have exchanged screenshots of him telling both of us how much he loves us.

 

She keeps asking for information and I don't want to give her anything else. I feel she has more than enough to make the best decision for herself.

 

Right? :-/

 

You should cut them both out of your life at this point. Let this couple deal with their messy marriage and you need to take care of yourself.

[Starswillshine]

Update:

 

Wife still hasn't confronted him. She texted me to ask if he had reached out and I told her the truth- he had. He's been apologizing to me all day while they're at a family function. He drove to my apartment (after dropping off her parents) to talk and I didn't see him.

 

The reason I told the wife wasn't entirely for anger. It was mostly b/c this is the ONLY way he won't try to come back in my life and will focus on the marriage. I knew he wouldn't go away. He's been telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for ruining our future together. Wife and I have exchanged screenshots of him telling both of us how much he loves us.

 

She keeps asking for information and I don't want to give her anything else. I feel she has more than enough to make the best decision for herself.

 

Right? :-/

 

BS here. I was told by the OW... I am glad she told me.

 

You opened pandora's box. You wanted to inflict pain... now you owe it to her to answer her questions. Just keep it simple. No need to give details. This is not a competitiion with her. The only reason you wouldnt give her more after opening the box.... you dont want him to hate you even more. ...

 

He isnt good for you.

[Spring23]

BS here. I was told by the OW... I am glad she told me.

 

You opened pandora's box. You wanted to inflict pain... now you owe it to her to answer her questions. Just keep it simple. No need to give details. This is not a competitiion with her. The only reason you wouldnt give her more after opening the box.... you dont want him to hate you even more. ...

 

He isnt good for you.

 

I disagree. She gave the wife enough information. She doesn't need the details from the OP. Let the wife get them from her husband who promised to love her in sickness or in health.

 

The OP should be working on her own mental health and decide what she wants out of life.

[burnt]

She keeps asking for information and I don't want to give her anything else. I feel she has more than enough to make the best decision for herself.

Right? :-/

 

Wrong!

 

You have been failing monumentally to detach yourself from xMM, despite of seeing how he was playing ping-pong with his wife and you.

Why? Ans: "Emotional Attachment".

 

Take a look at what it took you to finally explode and "ditch" him. Are you not thankful that you found out the truth about MM playing this other girl, in addition to his wife and you? What did it feel like to hear he was "doing" yet another person behind your back? Let me guess: "betrayal".

 

Are you not thankful to know that? Of course you are, because having the full truth gives you the emotional strength to walk away.

 

NOW,

put yourself in his wife's shoes:

behind her back, he was "doing" you: that's betrayal;

then behind your back, he was "doing" yet another one: that's betrayal on top of betrayal.

 

If you were in her shoes, you too would need the WHOLE truth to fully walk away from this disgusting man.

 

The least you can do at this point is give his wife all the answers she is asking for. She has been hurt and humiliated enough. She is swallowing enough humiliation to even just ask you about all this betrayal that took place behind her back. Please have the decency and compassion to give her all the answers she is asking for.

 

FYI: I'm not a BS; I am xOW. But I am finding the hypocrisy in your actions to be disturbing.

[whichwayisup]

Update:

 

Wife still hasn't confronted him. She texted me to ask if he had reached out and I told her the truth- he had. He's been apologizing to me all day while they're at a family function. He drove to my apartment (after dropping off her parents) to talk and I didn't see him.

 

The reason I told the wife wasn't entirely for anger. It was mostly b/c this is the ONLY way he won't try to come back in my life and will focus on the marriage. I knew he wouldn't go away. He's been telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for ruining our future together. Wife and I have exchanged screenshots of him telling both of us how much he loves us.

 

She keeps asking for information and I don't want to give her anything else. I feel she has more than enough to make the best decision for herself.

 

Right? :-/

 

No, wrong. Tell her everything. It's not fair to dangle certain truths and tell pick/choose what not to share. Come clean and expose it all. This will give you closure and peace too. I also hope you've apologized for your part in the affair and helping him betray her. You're not a victim in all this, she is.

[whichwayisup]

I disagree. She gave the wife enough information. She doesn't need the details from the OP. Let the wife get them from her husband who promised to love her in sickness or in health.

 

The OP should be working on her own mental health and decide what she wants out of life.

 

Obviously she can't since he's still lying and denying. Gas lighting her.

 

The OP owes it to his wife since she is asking for the truth. Be honest, why not? She has nothing to lose here by helping this poor woman find out what her husband has been doing behind her back. Not telling protects the xMM.

[Birdies]

Obviously she can't since he's still lying and denying. Gas lighting her.

 

The OP owes it to his wife since she is asking for the truth. Be honest, why not? She has nothing to lose here by helping this poor woman find out what her husband has been doing behind her back. Not telling protects the xMM.

 

I agree (as a former OW too). I would tell the wife that you are willing to answer any questions for a period of 24 hours, and then you are blocking them both and moving forward with your life, because you realize that any entanglement with him is damaging for all of you. She deserves to know the full extent of things, and literally ONLY YOU can provide that. If you're really remorseful like your letter to her says you are, you'd do that, and then clos the door and move on.

[stillafool]

Update:

 

She keeps asking for information and I don't want to give her anything else. I feel she has more than enough to make the best decision for herself.

 

Right? :-/

 

She has everything she needs so now you can block them both and move on.

[sandylee1]

If you really don't want to tell her any more, then block her and tell her husband to leave you alone, as you will be sending all messages to his wife.

 

That will stop it for sure.

[BTDT2012]

Just block both of them.

[lostgirl87]

Thanks for the advice, y'all! I ended up answering any and all questions she had on Saturday (which weren't many) and didn't hear from her again. I'm a little surprised that I haven't heard from xMM other than one last "I'm sorry for hurting you and ruining us" late Saturday/early Sunday. Although I'm surprised I didn't get a hateful email or anonymous call from him for telling his wife everything.

 

I do have a question/concern though- is it normal for me to feel so much better? I haven't cried since Saturday, I don't really miss him, I re-downloaded Bumble and I'm excited and ready to put myself back out there. I'm laughing and no longer have that anxious/stomach-churning feeling. I'm a little surprised and confused how finding out xMM sleeping with another girl allowed me to detach so quickly. Of course there's a few times throughout the day where I remember our friendship and the way we were when we were together and there's an ounce of nostalgia but it doesn't last. It's usually quickly followed by a "phew! Dodged a bullet there". Is this somewhat normal or have I officially lost it?

 

Y'all know who I can't get off my mind? His wife. To receive all the information she received and to have to sit through an entire family event/celebration with him the next day all while knowing he was texting and apologizing to me for sleeping with someone else and "ruining us" and saying how in love he is with me and wanting to drop off her parents and then come to my apartment has to be AWFUL! I'll never understand how she was able to get through that without confronting him or why she would want to but that's not my place. I wish them well, whether they manage to stay together or go their separate ways. Personally I believe she deserves a lot better. The way he was with me is something I couldn't forgive my spouse for. And it's something I can't yet forgive myself for either. For being a willing participant in such a horrid betrayal. A one night stand is one thing but a full-blown extra marital relationship when the BS thinks she has a happy marriage has to feel like death. How I wish I could go back in time and undo this. But again, I'm glad she has the info and I hope she is able to find happiness one way or another. The truth has to be better than a lie. At least that's what I'll keep telling myself.

 

To any current OW please please please get out! It's not worth it. For selfish reasons, you'll end up hurt and most likely alone. But also, there's a woman out there trusting and loving her husband and if you have any kindness or compassion in your heart, you will wake up, realize what you've done/helped create and will hate yourself. You'll feel shame, guilt and deep remorse for putting an innocent woman through hell. No matter how bad a marriage is, no spouse deserves this. You can't control what a WH does but you can control your involvement. So don't do it yourself and don't help do something to someone else that you wouldn't want done to you. Nobody will ever understand how much I wish I could turn back time...

[aileD]

I think it's normal to feel relief. You found out he wasn't who you thought he was, and then it all clicked for you. It's what you needed to go forward.

 

His wife likely did not want to draw attention while around her family. And yes it probably killed her. There's also the possibility you're just one of many woman that have told her about affairs they've had with her husband so it could just be defeat.

 

 

I'm glad you can move on. So you have any trust issues? Anyone can lie on a dating app, how can you verify they're single? I'm definitely not trying to scare you off from dating, I'm older and never did OLD but I would be scared of getting a philanderer!

 

 

Good luck to you in everything you do

[whichwayisup]

I do have a question/concern though- is it normal for me to feel so much better? I haven't cried since Saturday, I don't really miss him, I re-downloaded Bumble and I'm excited and ready to put myself back out there. I'm laughing and no longer have that anxious/stomach-churning feeling. I'm a little surprised and confused how finding out xMM sleeping with another girl allowed me to detach so quickly. Of course there's a few times throughout the day where I remember our friendship and the way we were when we were together and there's an ounce of nostalgia but it doesn't last. It's usually quickly followed by a "phew! Dodged a bullet there". Is this somewhat normal or have I officially lost it?

 

You had a huge reality check and an 'aha' moment. You know the truth now. Not only in your head but in your heart. Allowing yourself to miss/love him is lying to yourself and hurting yourself. You've had enough of that and now you're FREE! Free to live, free to move on and never look back. Free of thoughts of him, free of it all. That's a very positive thing.

 

It's good that you have sympathy and compassion for his wife. Because of that and talking to her has given you closure and peace.

[elaine567]

I'm a little surprised and confused how finding out xMM sleeping with another girl allowed me to detach so quickly. Of course there's a few times throughout the day where I remember our friendship and the way we were when we were together and there's an ounce of nostalgia but it doesn't last. It's usually quickly followed by a "phew! Dodged a bullet there". Is this somewhat normal or have I officially lost it?

 

I have always found that it is much easier to get over a split if there is a solid, "no going back" reason for breaking up.

 

The hardest break ups are the ones where it is not clear cut and there is a lot of soul searching going on as to whether you are doing the right thing...

Lots of ifs, buts and maybes involved and it can be very hard breaking up with someone you care a lot about and they care for you too.

If you have reasons to hate them or know it could NEVER work, it is a whole lot easier to move on.

 

Here, by sleeping with this other girl, he broke the spell he had you under. This was not the love story of the century, it was just a seedy affair with a man who just wants to cheat on his wife.

Once you realised that. It was all over for you.

There is therefore no need to hang on in there hoping and pining and making yourself ill.

 

NEXT!

[freengreen]

All these posts after your update are spot on.

 

I can say that it is normal to feel 'totally off the string finally' after discovering that he has been involved with someone else too. It happened to me just 3 days ago.

 

I am in strict NC but I do stalk his twitter once in every two weeks for 5 min ...I always wished I got of this too, the last string. 4 days back, i went back to see his account to discover a new lady ( he has more women followers than men thou) and they tweeted on arranging a date with this lady when he is in her city. Yes, all i know about her is that she is t his sister.

 

Although I usually dont assume things ( ofcourse they can juat be good friends or his client professionally or be totally platonic), but this time I think I subconciously assumed that its not platonic. The 'enough already' moment struck. I have been looking for this so long, but happened now. It feels free, i actually felt teary that i felt so free of 'if' or 'but'... my heart at last officially declared he isnt worth.... Its incredible how some things strike you with epiphany. This one of my assumption could even not be true, but yet it did the trick....

 

You take care and feel free

[lostgirl87]

I checked my "burner phone" app and saw I had 3 missed calls from xMM's work number between yesterday and today. There was a voicemail that only said "hey".

 

Can he not just email me how much he hates me and wants me to die? Lol

[BenchCoach]

You still have your "burner" phone and still checking it? Not a good sign.

[lostgirl87]

You still have your "burner" phone and still checking it? Not a good sign.

It was on my iPad. I have been staying with my parents bc I was afraid he'd show up at my apartment. So I went back home today and opened my iPad to play some games (I'm lame) and saw it there. I deleted it right away. It's been off my phone which is why I didn't see the call from yesterday.

[jah526]

it was just a seedy affair with a man who just wants to cheat on his wife.

 

I've wondered about this ever since someone told me the same thing - "he just wants to cheat on his wife". I'm sure the Other Women (myself included) want to believe it's the great love story, an attraction that can't be denied, but I wonder if it's more often the case that the majority of MM actually have the intention there already - they're just waiting for the right one to take the bait.

(I'm 100% sure that was the case in my situation. He was casting around when I first met him.)

[beautiful_day]

He may be made homeless soon, and he knows he'll need a soft landing. That's the role he has planned for you.

 

When I found out and threw my husband out, he landed in her lap with no where else to go. She'd been waiting for him to leave for at least 6 years. She thought she'd won.

 

Other women and cheating men often think they have the upper hand, but there are some very smart wives out there. His wife sounds like a smart, compassionate woman who is keeping her head held high and getting her ducks in a row. Are you as smart as she is?

[Purepony]

Damn I'd hate to be your client

I'd be worried about my case and your worried about a married man

 

Meanwhile this xmms playing puppet master

It's obvious this clown has other women I'm sure she's not the only one

[lostgirl87]

He may be made homeless soon, and he knows he'll need a soft landing. That's the role he has planned for you.

 

When I found out and threw my husband out, he landed in her lap with no where else to go. She'd been waiting for him to leave for at least 6 years. She thought she'd won.

 

Other women and cheating men often think they have the upper hand, but there are some very smart wives out there. His wife sounds like a smart, compassionate woman who is keeping her head held high and getting her ducks in a row. Are you as smart as she is?

That's exactly what I thought: she kicked him out and he needs to feel "loved" again. But again, my reason for telling her wasn't for him to come to me. Honestly I thought it would make him hate me and focus on her.

 

I'm done. And once I get to that point, there's no going back.

[lostgirl87]

Damn I'd hate to be your client

I'd be worried about my case and your worried about a married man

 

Meanwhile this xmms playing puppet master

It's obvious this clown has other women I'm sure she's not the only one

Right. B/c nobody has a personal life outside of work. I'm sure you think about work 24/7 and have no room to think about what's going on in your own life.

 

Say what you want about my situation but DO NOT say anything about me as a professional. You're (learn the difference between your/you're, by the way) reading one aspect of my life that I decided to share with this community for support and ideas as to what it all means but you do not know me.

 

Have a good evening.

Edited April 12, 2017 by lostgirl87

[BenchCoach]

You thought about those STD's yet? This guy was sleeping with 3 people in all- all at the same time. Who knows how many other flings he's had before you two crossed paths.

 

Something to really think about.

[Tressugar]

You know me! I'm gonna have to put my two cents in. Normally I don't condone extramarital affairs, but somehow yours seemed different. Don't ask me to explain. Wrong is wrong.

 

As a mistress you have a role to play. You were trying to be placed in first position. And you can't have that position as a mistress. I hate to say it, but you talked yourself out of your role. Mistresses must learn their position and play second fiddle. Without any qualms period!

 

I often watch how the mistress is very compliant with her role and quietly awaits for the moment the EUM to come and break her off some bread crumbs. This is how the game is played. You must not ask for more and always be willing to give the EUM a soft place to fall. The minute you give push back will spell trouble for you and your role as the mistress.

 

If you want him, you must play your position as the mistress.