definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[aileD]

You know me! I'm gonna have to put my two cents in. Normally I don't condone extramarital affairs, but somehow yours seemed different. Don't ask me to explain. Wrong is wrong.

 

As a mistress you have a role to play. You were trying to be placed in first position. And you can't have that position as a mistress. I hate to say it, but you talked yourself out of your role. Mistresses must learn their position and play second fiddle. Without any qualms period!

 

I often watch how the mistress is very compliant with her role and quietly awaits for the moment the EUM to come and break her off some bread crumbs. This is how the game is played. You must not ask for more and always be willing to give the EUM a soft place to fall. The minute you give push back will spell trouble for you and your role as the mistress.

 

If you want him, you must play your position as the mistress.

 

Every little girls dream...right?

 

Oh wait.....

[sandylee1]

Your post #61 shows a fair amount of thought regarding your role and some empathy for his wife. Which can only be a good thing, though it seems that only happened when you realised you weren't the only OW.

 

It wasn't enough that his wife existed and it's probably because you believed all his lies... and that you were his special love. Only when that illusion got shattered did you see it for what it really is.

 

A married man who wants to be married and have girlfriends too.

[elaine567]

As a mistress you have a role to play. You were trying to be placed in first position. And you can't have that position as a mistress. I hate to say it, but you talked yourself out of your role. Mistresses must learn their position and play second fiddle. Without any qualms period!

 

I often watch how the mistress is very compliant with her role and quietly awaits for the moment the EUM to come and break her off some bread crumbs. This is how the game is played. You must not ask for more and always be willing to give the EUM a soft place to fall. The minute you give push back will spell trouble for you and your role as the mistress.

 

If you want him, you must play your position as the mistress.

 

^^^This is where the OP went wrong, she assumed she was "the one" and that it was only a matter of time before he left his wife and they would be together.

She was playing by the "single person" rules.

We meet, we fall in love, we ditch all others on our lives, and we carry on as a couple

 

...and he was playing by the "married man who wants a mistress" rules.

We meet, we have fun and sex and we imagine what it would be like to be together, but that is not really going to happen as I already have a wife and I am going nowhere.

 

The pressure from the OP to convert an affair into something tangible, public and "real" was too much and not really what he had envisaged.

 

I may be wrong but if this man is Hispanic, he is probably a Catholic and so he was very, very unlikely to want to divorce his wife.

His wife is no doubt being very stoical through this, as divorce is probably NOT a road she wants to go down here either.

Catholics take marriage very very seriously, and whilst he is obviously not that serious about monogamy here, I guess he may be deadly serious about the commitment he made in front of his and her family and the church.

Divorce, Annulments, and Remarriage - About Catholics

 

I am not saying Catholics never get divorced, but it is just more complicated than the usual ten a penny divorces we have all become used to.

[Spring23]

You know me! I'm gonna have to put my two cents in. Normally I don't condone extramarital affairs, but somehow yours seemed different. Don't ask me to explain. Wrong is wrong.

 

As a mistress you have a role to play. You were trying to be placed in first position. And you can't have that position as a mistress. I hate to say it, but you talked yourself out of your role. Mistresses must learn their position and play second fiddle. Without any qualms period!

 

I often watch how the mistress is very compliant with her role and quietly awaits for the moment the EUM to come and break her off some bread crumbs. This is how the game is played. You must not ask for more and always be willing to give the EUM a soft place to fall. The minute you give push back will spell trouble for you and your role as the mistress.

 

If you want him, you must play your position as the mistress.

 

If you're going to do all this role play work you might as well get paid. Seriously. I don't see the value in being someones mistress.

[Spring23]

That's exactly what I thought: she kicked him out and he needs to feel "loved" again. But again, my reason for telling her wasn't for him to come to me. Honestly I thought it would make him hate me and focus on her.

 

 

Really? I don't believe that for one second. I don't think you've come to terms with why you told him.

[Tressugar]

What I'm saying if you're going to take that role as a mistress then you must play the part. I'm not down for any tomfoolery at all. But don't get caught up in thinking it's going to be a long lasting relationship with all the benes and perks of the first lady. Most mistresses believe that.

 

And yes, if you're gonna play that limited role make the most of it. Make that married man make you his kept woman. If not, you can do bad all by yourself.

[curiouslysearching]

What I'm saying if you're going to take that role as a mistress then you must play the part. I'm not down for any tomfoolery at all. But don't get caught up in thinking it's going to be a long lasting relationship with all the benes and perks of the first lady. Most mistresses believe that.

 

And yes, if you're gonna play that limited role make the most of it. Make that married man make you his kept woman. If not, you can do bad all by yourself.

 

is that like the old saying ....."you gotta pay to play"???

[lostgirl87]

Your post #61 shows a fair amount of thought regarding your role and some empathy for his wife. Which can only be a good thing, though it seems that only happened when you realised you weren't the only OW.

 

It wasn't enough that his wife existed and it's probably because you believed all his lies... and that you were his special love. Only when that illusion got shattered did you see it for what it really is.

 

A married man who wants to be married and have girlfriends too.

I wouldn't say it "only happened" bc of what I found out. I will say it does the process up. Without knowing about her, I would've been hurting for a while at the thought of losing "us" bc I hadn't yet fully accepted what this was. I mean come on, how many of you former OW realized it in less than a week??

 

Again, finding out about the other girl sped the process up but was not the only reason. I would've eventually gotten there once I had been deeper into the healing process.

[lostgirl87]

Really? I don't believe that for one second. I don't think you've come to terms with why you told him.

Don't believe it then. I don't have to prove anything to you.

 

EVERYTHING that I have read and including all former OW stories on here that told the wife all said the same thing "he never talked to me again after Dday". I knew it was the only way he'd go and stay away. Never did I imagine in a million years that he'd be calling from a blocked number crying about how sorry he is and understands why I did what I did and a whole bunch of other bs. I'm almost positive this means "my wife is leaving/serious about divorce and now I magically decided you're the one I really love".

[lostgirl87]

What I'm saying if you're going to take that role as a mistress then you must play the part. I'm not down for any tomfoolery at all. But don't get caught up in thinking it's going to be a long lasting relationship with all the benes and perks of the first lady. Most mistresses believe that.

 

And yes, if you're gonna play that limited role make the most of it. Make that married man make you his kept woman. If not, you can do bad all by yourself.

I don't want to be a mistress! I don't want to be a kept woman. I take care of myself pretty well. I'm a single professional with no children or responsibilities. I found myself here b/c I fell in love and man did it backfire.

 

I don't see the mistress or sugar baby role as something to glorify or strive for. No judgment. That's just not for me. I want something real and I believed that he and I were real who just met at the wrong time.

[Tressugar]

If you didn't want to be a mistress then why place yourself in that role?!

 

Your eyes were wide open! No body held a gun to your head, at least I hope not!

[aileD]

I don't want to be a mistress! I don't want to be a kept woman. I take care of myself pretty well. I'm a single professional with no children or responsibilities. I found myself here b/c I fell in love and man did it backfire.

 

I don't see the mistress or sugar baby role as something to glorify or strive for. No judgment. That's just not for me. I want something real and I believed that he and I were real who just met at the wrong time.

 

That last sentence there is the one you have to look out for in the future. I hope you learned a lesson and never find yourself in this situation again.

 

Good luck to you

[Spring23]

 

I talked to a few friends about this great guy I had met but my problem with the relationship was that he was an assistant and i was an attorney, I didn't know how that could work. (stupid, i know). he became obviously flirty, asked for my number and we continued to talk. He let me know that he was attracted to me. I reciprocated but found it weird that he hadn't asked me out. My friends said he was probably nervous since I was an attorney. Made sense. But it was also weird that he would tell me good night or "see you tomorrow" by 8:00 pm. Worst case scenario, in my head, was that he was dating someone. Finally, one night, i was having some drinks and asked him "so do you live alone?". I was asking more in terms of a roommate. Never did I think he was going to say "I am so sorry I thought you knew - I am married". I was LIVID. I called him every cuss word I could think and told him to never speak to me again.

 

Re-read your above words. For one, you were the attorney and he was an assistant. So even before you knew he was married there was something not good about this union.

 

Then you were "livid" when you found out he was married.

 

So, you probably told his wife about the affair out of anger and spite. Maybe you wanted him to go away but not without blowing up his life. I do feel bad for you because I think you got very emotionally attached to this man and probably spent way more time crying about him then enjoying the affair.

 

Do yourself a favor and take a relationship break and get to know yourself.

[lostgirl87]

Yesterday he called me several times from a blocked number until I finally picked up. He was sobbing and repeatedly telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for what he did. That he understands why I did what I did and is glad that it's out in the open. I remained calm and cold, much to his surprise.

 

He begged to meet after work and I said no. He then called again and said he would go to my parents' house to talk to me (thank you, internet, for making this information so readily available). I don't know if he would've actually shown up but I couldn't risk it. I met him. It was more of the same: crying, telling me he loved me, he explained how his wife confronted him and gave me his version of their conversation. He is still living there and so is she. He says they discussed divorced and how they'd divide their things. I remained distant, cold and stoic which upset him more. He wondered how I could be so different and "forget our love". He says he noticed a change in me and understands he messed up and wants to prove himself. He tried to hold my hand and I pulled it away. He told me I was always more than a lover, I was his best friend. That he never understood people who said "I'm in love with/married to my best friend" until he met me. That he never felt that way or said those words at his own wedding. That he's loved me more than he ever thought he could love someone and wants to move forward with me.

 

I told him I've spent the last year listening to empty promises and I'm not convinced. I told him he could come to me and my parents with a divorce decree or certificate in hand and I'd maybe consider it but we have issues to work out too. That I'm not the easy way out and I won't be his crutch- that he needs to move forward with divorce for him AND for her. Bc she deserves someone who first, wouldn't cheat on her and second, would do anything in his power to make it up to her. And if he does divorce and manages to get another chance, we'd see a relationship counselor.

 

He and his wife have to be out of the apartment by the end of the month. He said he went home and told her that they may as well go ahead and begin the divorce process b/c it wasn't going to work- that he hadn't been happy for a long time. He said he admitted that he was in love with me and that everything he said in the texts was true. He said he'd be moving in with his mother shortly.

 

I don't know what to believe. If this would've happened a month ago, I wouldn't be doubting anything. But the game has changed after what I found out. He no longer calls me on FaceTime audio (since those calls don't show up on the bill)- he calls me normally. No restrictions on texting or using weird apps to communicate.

 

How did this happen?? Everything I've read and have been told said "when you tell the wife, he will hate you. It will be over for good." I had made my peace with us never being together. Why is this happening? What do I do? I've never had someone cry and express their "love" (bc at this point how can I be sure he means it?) to me this way. I am genuinely confused. Please help me.

Edited April 14, 2017 by lostgirl87

[Blu72]

Run. He will do the same to you as he did to his wife. He already proved that.

Don't cave.

[somanymistakes]

How did this happen?? Everything I've read and have been told said "when you tell the wife, he will hate you. It will be over for good."

 

This gets commonly said in the OW forum partly because people are trying to convince OW/OM to give up on their relationships. If you dig into the details, it's really not always that simple, especially not that quickly. There can be a lot of back and forth and confusion. It often still resolves in favor of the wife eventually. I've seen several stories on LS where the affair is revealed, the husband temporarily moves in with the other woman, and then a few months later he goes back to his wife.

 

It's really NOT a 100% "as soon as D-day hits, you'll be thrown away". People just like to say that to try and make people think that their affair cannot possibly have any future. (People keep saying it to me even after I've pointed out that his wife already knows. It's just one of those things people feel the need to harp on.)

 

Basically, at this point everything is still unknown. Until the divorce is final, you don't really know if he's going to go through with it.

[sandylee1]

By telling his wife, she has seen him for what he is and it looks like she's done with him.

 

So you're a soft landing... And of course you earn a fair bit more than him as an assistant... So why not.

 

It beats living with his mom. Just don't let yourself be used emotionally and financially here. He could be a big liability.

 

Why the 180 from he needs a break and stop pressuring him... To the persistent declarations of love?

 

This doesn't sound like a guy who will ever be faithful. If it's a happy ever after you want... I wouldn't put a five bucks on it... It's not gonna happen with him.

[Starswillshine]

It is possible that he sees that his marriage is completely doomed, so if that relationship is done why not try to salvage the other that may be salvageable.

 

Could be he actually cares.

 

Either way, it isn't an easy road. If i were you, I would give him lots of space to figure his crap out. It will be a yo-yo with his wife for awhile. It is really hard to pull that final trigger and end a marriage. And after it ends, you don't want to be caught up in his emotions.

 

Ugh, affairs are such a disgusting mess for all parties involved. I wish every relationship came with a warning. So much heartache could be prevented if only everyone had the foresight to see what is ahead.

 

Good luck.

[BenchCoach]

The simple fact that you met him, and are actually contemplating giving him another chance says A LOT about your character.

[lostgirl87]

The simple fact that you met him, and are actually contemplating giving him another chance says A LOT about your character.

 

The affair is over. If I give him another chance it is because he is DIVORCED and wants to work at having a relationship with me and proving himself to me. Forgive me, your honor, but people have forgiven significant others for a lot worse.

 

And this isn't meant to disrespect marriage or any spouse but if a wife can forgive her husband (or vice versa) for an affair or multiple affairs or for having a complete relationship outside of the marriage where feelings were involved, what's so wrong with me (even considering) forgiving him? Just bc I wasn't married to him? To my knowledge, he slept with one person after I sent him the email telling him I wanted out. Yes it is possible that there are more. It is also possible that there aren't. I understand that I wasn't married to him. I understand I was the other woman. I'm not comparing myself to his wife but why is it a bad character trait for me to forgive one indiscretion but if a spouse or long-term partner forgives, then they are just strong and willing to fight for their relationship?

 

I know being an OW is wrong. But I can't undo that. If by some chance he goes through with his divorce and chooses to seek me out and work on an actual relationship with me, then why can't I consider it?

 

I'm not saying I want to jump right back into bed with him. I'm not saying he is forgiven and everything is unicorns and rainbows again. and I'm not saying that I fully believe him and think "ok now we're going to be together". What I AM saying is it's unfair for you to judge me for being willing to consider forgiving someone if they choose to do things right with me. After all, how many people here have either made huge mistakes and asked for forgiveness or have had to be the ones to forgive in order to repair a significant relationship?

 

Nothing is guaranteed and I'm no longer living the fairy tale I was 3 months ago. But if he is willing to do what needs to be done and things somehow work out, I know I'd prefer to be holding on to him when I go to bed at night rather than silly pride.

 

To everyone else who actually offered advice, insight and support: thank you. I haven't answered his calls this evening. I did send a text that said "please figure yourself out first. Everything is too fresh and you're not thinking clearly. If in a few weeks you decide to move forward, you can still contact my friend ((he asked me earlier if I knew a divorce attorney)) but I would appreciate you not pressuring me or relying on me right now. Do what you need to do for yourself. PLEASE don't contact me unless or until real action is made. Have a good night."

 

I've read the stories where it looks like MM & OW finally made it but he ends up going back to his wife. I'm not going through the heartache of losing him again. I feel pretty in control of myself and I won't be swayed to do anything or fall back with him unless he is a single man.

Edited April 14, 2017 by lostgirl87

[travelbug1996]

Did you forget this was a man that had multiple OW?? A divorce and counseling with you will not fix him. He is a damaged individual and until he can sit with himself no woman will do. He will be in and out of holes the rest of his life until he does some soul searching.

 

He will damage every woman that gets involved with him if allowed to.

 

See him for who he is NOT who who want or wish he was.

 

He will never be that man and you believed in him more than he will ever believe in himself. He knows he's a man of low character. He has to heal that himself.

 

He will probably cheat on you as well if you put your trust in him. Don't do that to yourself.

[whichwayisup]

And this isn't meant to disrespect marriage or any spouse but if a wife can forgive her husband (or vice versa) for an affair or multiple affairs or for having a complete relationship outside of the marriage where feelings were involved, what's so wrong with me (even considering) forgiving him? Just bc I wasn't married to him?

 

Because you didn't build a life with him, no vows, no obligations, no family and friends entwined, no finances together etc., it's just based on feelings. Big difference and you can't compare a marriage that has history and the glue that holds a couple together vs an affair and what that is build upon.

[BenchCoach]

WOW... just, wow!

 

 

He slept with another girl, while he was professing his love to you! Not only that, she was/is from the same office!

Edited April 14, 2017 by BenchCoach

[anika99]

And this isn't meant to disrespect marriage or any spouse but if a wife can forgive her husband (or vice versa) for an affair or multiple affairs or for having a complete relationship outside of the marriage where feelings were involved, what's so wrong with me (even considering) forgiving him? Just bc I wasn't married to him? To my knowledge, he slept with one person after I sent him the email telling him I wanted out. Yes it is possible that there are more. It is also possible that there aren't. I understand that I wasn't married to him. I understand I was the other woman. I'm not comparing myself to his wife but why is it a bad character trait for me to forgive one indiscretion but if a spouse or long-term partner forgives, then they are just strong and willing to fight for their relationship?

 

There is a huge difference in that most betrayed spouses don't get married knowing that they are marrying a serial cheater. They believe in their spouse when they say their vows and often have many good years together before things go off the rails. I don't really agree with people reconciling when there has been serial cheating and multiple affairs, however I can understand a betrayed wife still believing in the man she thought he was before he cheated. Furthermore she has way more invested in the marriage. Property, finances, children, shared families and history. That's a lot to walk away from and I can see why a BW might be motivated to see if there isn't some way to reconcile.

 

Your situation is entirely different. You didn't fall in love with a loyal faithful man who shockingly cheated on you years later. You have never known him as anything but a cheater. You say why can't you forgive one indiscretion but it isn't one indiscretion. He cheated first with you, and then again on you, so you already know of at least two indiscretions and there is a good chance there has been others. Here you are considering getting together with a man who has already cheated on you. Cheated on you before he even left his wife and had a real relationship with you. That's crazy. You should value yourself a lot more than that.

[imsosad]

Lostgirl, I see your point about giving a MM a chance, be it a BW or an AP.

I agree on some level.

However, I don't think that is the issue here.

He did nothing, NOTHING, to initiate being with you full time. Am I wrong? He did not decide that he needed to be with his best friend and lover and began taking actual steps to make it happen. He is merely reacting to a situation created by you and his wife.

Had you not found out about him sleeping with your friend and outed him, would he be crying and begging you to he with him or would he be at home with him wife?

After you outed him, didn't you and his wife exchange screenshots showing he was telling both of you he lived you and was sorry?

Not only was he not leaving of his own innitiative, but after DDay he was still attempting to reconcile with his wife.

Looking at this objectively, it seems like he made no active and deliberate choice to be with you. It sounds like his wife has had enough and now he figures you will be a nice consolation prize. I am only speculating, but thecway his wife responded to you coupled with this hurried plan to divorce makes me wonder if this is the first time he's been caught cheating.

I'm guessing it won't be too long before you allow him to stay with you. You'd be taking a huge risk; he has done nothing to show you he is anything but a common cheater who was thrown out by the wife and ran to cry on his girlfriend's shoulder.

Be careful and don't fall for everything he says.