definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[Purepony]

Right. B/c nobody has a personal life outside of work. I'm sure you think about work 24/7 and have no room to think about what's going on in your own life.

 

Say what you want about my situation but DO NOT say anything about me as a professional. You're (learn the difference between your/you're, by the way) reading one aspect of my life that I decided to share with this community for support and ideas as to what it all means but you do not know me.

 

Have a good evening.

 

 

That's not a personal life that's a disaster!

 

I'm using my voice to text it's easier

You should try it

 

I don't know you got laid of for a reason .. maybe you should be more focused on work because clearly something doesn't add up and we are supportive! We told you to move on but you didn't listen, and clearly you still don't ... hence the name

 

I'll make you a deal ? You move on and ficus on you and I'll learn the difference between your and you're .... !

[Spring23]

This dude is a real piece of work.

 

You're a lawyer. Get yourself together and find a good man. This one sucks.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

There is a huge difference in that most betrayed spouses don't get married knowing that they are marrying a serial cheater. They believe in their spouse when they say their vows and often have many good years together before things go off the rails. I don't really agree with people reconciling when there has been serial cheating and multiple affairs, however I can understand a betrayed wife still believing in the man she thought he was before he cheated. Furthermore she has way more invested in the marriage. Property, finances, children, shared families and history. That's a lot to walk away from and I can see why a BW might be motivated to see if there isn't some way to reconcile.

 

Your situation is entirely different. You didn't fall in love with a loyal faithful man who shockingly cheated on you years later. You have never known him as anything but a cheater. You say why can't you forgive one indiscretion but it isn't one indiscretion. He cheated first with you, and then again on you, so you already know of at least two indiscretions and there is a good chance there has been others. Here you are considering getting together with a man who has already cheated on you. Cheated on you before he even left his wife and had a real relationship with you. That's crazy. You should value yourself a lot more than that.

While I agree some might not know, I don't agree a large number do not suspect something. My xMMs wife was an otherwoman during his first marriage! She knew! During my continuous healing, I realise now why she never reacted. Cos she knows she got someone else's man. But need not to say, other person, please end the back and forth. Forget getting involved with a married man.

 

It's a dark place to be and I tell you it doesn't emanate a lot of dignity and honor

[1fish2fish]

Imsosad made a good point. He didn't initiate any of this. He's merely reacting to a set of circumstances - trying to ease his own pain.

 

Even if he shows up on your doorstep with a divorce decree in hand, do you really want to be with someone so passive who didn't fight for you?

 

All the other stuff - sleeping with another woman from your office, getting fired for clocking in a co-worker, cheating on his wife after only a year of marriage - does he have any self control or impulse control?

 

It will be interesting to see if he respects your boundaries. My guess is that he's going to hound you and try and wear you down.

 

Be strong!

[Birdies]

Hey there. I thought I'd chime in, since I'm in an affair turned real relationship myself. Obviously affairs are shltty, etc etc, we all know that. This advice is from more of a practical perspective.

 

It's not easy, even in the best case scenario - where it's true love, neither of you were lying to each other about anything, you're truly a better fit for each other than the prior marriage(s), etc. Getting a divorce is hard and it screws with you and takes up a lot of emotional space. You both would have a lot of guilt to manage. You have to deal with all your friends', family's, and colleagues' view of your sleazy sordid affair. (People figure it out even if it's not completely public knowledge. And usually the BS makes it extremely public.)

 

The mismatch in circumstances here too would be tough. He'd be dealing with all the divorce drama while you're just waiting around on him.

 

On top of that - you don't even know if you can trust this guy to be honest with YOU. We know that cheaters lie. The best you can hope for is that they were lying about this one aspect of their life, to their spouse. That's a pretty shltty "best case scenario". Trust me, I know, I'm in that boat and so is my partner. In your case, he was lying to you too, or at least lying by omission. It'd be really, really hard to feel like you could trust him going forward.

 

Anyway, just some things to think about. It's not automatically the worst idea ever ever, but there are some red flags and you could be asking for trouble. Maybe best to continue moving on.

Edited April 14, 2017 by Birdies

[Lovetoo]

You need to end it and accept he won't leave his wife.

 

 

This is the most easily avoidable mess there is... don't get involved with married men... why is this so hard for people to grasp???

 

Obviously sometimes people don't know the person they are involved with is married. Sometimes when they find out, they are "madly in love". Why is that hard to grasp? Why is it hard to grasp that people are flawed. That they have lapses in judgment? Hmm.

[PinkElephants]

He slept with another girl, while he was professing his love to you! Not only that, she was/is from the same office!

What about all the other women he was probably sleeping with who weren't from the same office? The only reason you found out about her is because you knew her. There are probably others that you don't know about because you don't know them.

 

If by some chance he goes through with his divorce and chooses to seek me out and work on an actual relationship with me, then why can't I consider it?

By offering to see him when he's divorced you're still giving him a cushy place to land. He can see/sleep with you while dating around to find a woman who doesn't know what a complete jerk he is. A new woman will think he's a good person; you'll make him go to counseling and hold the past against him.

 

On the other hand, maybe he will divorce her and marry you. You've already demonstrated that you're willing to tolerate him being with his wife, lying to you, ignoring you, and, if you take him back after knowing what you do, you're willing to forgive him for sleeping with your friend. You might be exactly what he's looking for. He can marry you and cheat on you with complete freedom because you'll eat up the lies and maybe put him through a counseling puppet show but will ultimately stay with him.

 

I don't see how this ends well for you with him involved.

 

I know I'd prefer to be holding on to him when I go to bed at night rather than silly pride.

How will your pride suffer if you spend more years of your life on him only to one day get an internet call from his new OW?

[EZNona]

 

To everyone else who actually offered advice, insight and support: thank you. I haven't answered his calls this evening. I did send a text that said "please figure yourself out first. Everything is too fresh and you're not thinking clearly. If in a few weeks you decide to move forward, you can still contact my friend ((he asked me earlier if I knew a divorce attorney)) but I would appreciate you not pressuring me or relying on me right now. Do what you need to do for yourself. PLEASE don't contact me unless or until real action is made. Have a good night."

 

I'm glad that you sent him that text as it was similar to the type of text he would send you to deter you from pressuring him about leaving his wife.

 

But do not entertain a future with this guy. Let's put aside the cheating on his wife for just a second...and just think how quick he slept with yet another woman when you guys took a 'break'. That means he is very comfortable with hooking up with females that are not his wife and that means he had to have something all set and ready to go for him to hook up with someone in such a quick turnaround.

 

If you were to marry him, you would then become the wife he has no problem doing this to...Get back on that Bumble app or whatever and find someone who is both emotionally and physically available to be with you because you deserve that!

[lostgirl87]

Lostgirl, I see your point about giving a MM a chance, be it a BW or an AP.

I agree on some level.

However, I don't think that is the issue here.

He did nothing, NOTHING, to initiate being with you full time. Am I wrong? He did not decide that he needed to be with his best friend and lover and began taking actual steps to make it happen. He is merely reacting to a situation created by you and his wife.

Had you not found out about him sleeping with your friend and outed him, would he be crying and begging you to he with him or would he be at home with him wife?

After you outed him, didn't you and his wife exchange screenshots showing he was telling both of you he lived you and was sorry?

Not only was he not leaving of his own innitiative, but after DDay he was still attempting to reconcile with his wife.

Looking at this objectively, it seems like he made no active and deliberate choice to be with you. It sounds like his wife has had enough and now he figures you will be a nice consolation prize. I am only speculating, but thecway his wife responded to you coupled with this hurried plan to divorce makes me wonder if this is the first time he's been caught cheating.

I'm guessing it won't be too long before you allow him to stay with you. You'd be taking a huge risk; he has done nothing to show you he is anything but a common cheater who was thrown out by the wife and ran to cry on his girlfriend's shoulder.

Be careful and don't fall for everything he says.

 

I see what you're saying and that makes sense. I think discussing "forever" at this point is extremely premature. He appears to be very confused and emotional right now. My understanding is the wife Is willing to see if they can fix it as she has not thrown him out and I don't think she has even told her family yet. he says that he doesn't think it can be fixed and admitted to her that he is in love with me and told her about all the issues he has within the marriage but he also hasn't left. It hasn't even been a week! Everyone is confused and still processing. There's no way he can make a final decision right now and i understand that and I'm not waiting for him. I can't offer him a place to live or a relationship at this point. He knows the only way there's a chance of working things out with me is if he's divorced. There can be no "fighting for me" until that happens, if ever. And I've made that perfectly clear.

 

All I meant to say with my post is I'm surprised that this is happening. I didn't expect any doubts or back and forth. Our few conversations this week just made me consider it IF HE LEAVES AND DOES THINGS RIGHT. And even if he does eventually leave, who knows when that will be. I am not waiting. I am still angry.

[lostgirl87]

Hey there. I thought I'd chime in, since I'm in an affair turned real relationship myself. Obviously affairs are shltty, etc etc, we all know that. This advice is from more of a practical perspective.

 

It's not easy, even in the best case scenario - where it's true love, neither of you were lying to each other about anything, you're truly a better fit for each other than the prior marriage(s), etc. Getting a divorce is hard and it screws with you and takes up a lot of emotional space. You both would have a lot of guilt to manage. You have to deal with all your friends', family's, and colleagues' view of your sleazy sordid affair. (People figure it out even if it's not completely public knowledge. And usually the BS makes it extremely public.)

 

The mismatch in circumstances here too would be tough. He'd be dealing with all the divorce drama while you're just waiting around on him.

 

On top of that - you don't even know if you can trust this guy to be honest with YOU. We know that cheaters lie. The best you can hope for is that they were lying about this one aspect of their life, to their spouse. That's a pretty shltty "best case scenario". Trust me, I know, I'm in that boat and so is my partner. In your case, he was lying to you too, or at least lying by omission. It'd be really, really hard to feel like you could trust him going forward.

 

Anyway, just some things to think about. It's not automatically the worst idea ever ever, but there are some red flags and you could be asking for trouble. Maybe best to continue moving on.

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I appreciate it especially given your experience. Despite what he did with this one girl when I ended our "relationship", I still trust and believe in everything else we've had. Our friendship was effortless and was how this all started. He called me everyday in the morning, after work and on weekends. We texted or snapped throughout the day too. I always got consistency with him. It was never one way one day then another way the next day, until now of course. I believe him when he says he has always been his truest most authentic self with me. B/c I was the same way with him. At the end of the day, I know our friendship was real.

 

Having said that, I am fully aware of his downfalls. His communication skills are abysmal. I've had to tell him to be kinder and have more respect for his wife and the way he speaks to her/about her. He doesn't handle conflict well (clearly). His own family/abandonment issues weigh heavily on him and I feel like they contribute to his ability to make the choice to leave despite saying how unhappy he is. I get it: he's far from perfect and he is extremely unsure and confused right now.

 

Luckily we run in completely different social circles. I literally don't know any of their friends and they don't know any of mine. Other than the few friends MM has met. My family would definitely be an obstacle and he is aware of that and admits it causes hesitation. He knows how important my family is to me and he fears that if they never accept him, that it will greatly affect me or even worse, affect our relationship. There are many issues that would need to be addressed and I'm not fooling myself to think that us being together will happen or if it does, that it will be smooth sailing.

 

May I ask you how did you and current partner end up together? I was trying to read some old posts of yours but I never found your actual story. Did each of you leave your spouses for each other? Was it clear cut or was there any back and forth?

 

Thank you again for your post.

[Imajerk17]

As angry as OP is and as messed up as it is that this dude had *another* girl on the side besides OP--showing what a major sleaze this dude really is, she *still* would consider going back to this guy, but only if he is divorced. Instead of being completely repulsed as she should be, she still isn't quite willing to shut the door on MM. That shows you right there how strong MM's pull on lostgirl87 really is.

 

My over-under on lostgirl87 ending up back in bed w this guy is 2 weeks. It will happen when he asks 'if they can meet up to talk' and things just happen from there.

 

I think, OP, that you would do better to be honest w yourself instead of saying as you did that it is "definitely over" between you and MM, as it clearly is not.

Edited April 15, 2017 by Imajerk17

[lostgirl87]

As angry as OP is and as messed up as it is that this dude had *another* girl on the side besides OP--showing what a major sleaze this dude really is, she *still* would consider going back to this guy, but only if he is divorced. Instead of being completely repulsed as she should be, she still isn't quite willing to shut the door on MM. That shows you right there how strong MM's pull on lostgirl87 really is.

 

My over-under on lostgirl87 ending up back in bed w this guy is 2 weeks. It will happen when he asks 'if they can meet up to talk' and things just happen from there.

 

I think, OP, that you would do better to be honest w yourself instead of saying as you did that it is "definitely over" between you and MM, as it clearly is not.

Definitely will not be back in bed with him in 3 weeks or anywhere near that, if ever.

 

This other girl was literally a one time thing after I ended our relationship. We hadn't seen each other in weeks at that point and were barely speaking. It wasn't until a few weeks after I sent the email breaking things off that he and I resumed communication and discussed the email and how much we were both hurting. By that time he had already slept with her and stopped speaking to her so yes, that would've been the time to tell me what happened while on our "break" but he didn't. I don't say this to justify what he did but just giving some background. It was still VERY wrong and I'm angry. I haven't forgiven him and who knows if I ever will. All I'm saying is him being single would be the first step for me to even consider it. Who knows if I will or would even want to at that point. And I've told him this.

 

My point is: there's nothing for me to discuss with him while he is married and "undecided". Him coming back threw me for a loop and my mind has been spinning for days and maybe I'm not thinking clearly b/c I DO love him. I don't need to be vilified or attacked for being confused and emotional. It hasn't even been a week since this all went down. I'm sure things will be more clear soon but right now, everyone has a lot to process and think about.

Edited April 15, 2017 by lostgirl87

[Imajerk17]

I think you need to take more responsibility for what happened, lostgirl87. You found out the guy was married when, over a year ago? when you knew him only a few months. Instead of walking away, you stayed, and now you find yourself in this position. That's on YOU.

 

I am not trying to be mean, just pointing out that the big question you need to be asking yourself is WHY you even let yourself get in this situation in the first place. Are guys who lie about their marriages that attractive to you?

Edited April 15, 2017 by Imajerk17

[lostgirl87]

I'm glad that you sent him that text as it was similar to the type of text he would send you to deter you from pressuring him about leaving his wife.

 

But do not entertain a future with this guy. Let's put aside the cheating on his wife for just a second...and just think how quick he slept with yet another woman when you guys took a 'break'. That means he is very comfortable with hooking up with females that are not his wife and that means he had to have something all set and ready to go for him to hook up with someone in such a quick turnaround.

 

If you were to marry him, you would then become the wife he has no problem doing this to...Get back on that Bumble app or whatever and find someone who is both emotionally and physically available to be with you because you deserve that!

 

Thank you very much you make MANY valid points. I'm sure him stepping out would always be a concern to me.

 

As far as the other girl: He and her were friends before. That's how she became my assistant in the first place: the assistant I had was awful and he reached out to her to see if she'd be willing to work with me. They'd been friends for over 2 years. Nothing ever happened.

 

This girl just got out of an abusive relationship and is going through her own stuff with that. She said she's been handling it the wrong way and when she asked him to hang out with her and her friend, she came on to him. That does NOT excuse his behavior or actions. I'm just letting you know how their "thing" happened. That's exactly the problem I have with what he did: that hooking up with someone else seems to be a go-to for him. He says it isn't and it was just a mistake. That he and I were/are different.

 

I don't.know what's true anymore. All I know is right now I don't trust him. For me to ever even consider that, it would be after he's divorced and works to make things right. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying him being single automatically fixes things. There would still be issues. This is all happening less than a week later. I'm sure by next week I'll have a better, more logical understanding of the situation. Right now I'm emotional and confused and just saw the man I love break down in front of me. I am all over the place. He continues to call and I'm so overwhelmed.

Edited April 15, 2017 by lostgirl87

[lostgirl87]

I think you need to take more responsibility for what happened, lostgirl87. You found out the guy was married when, over a year ago? when you knew him only a few months. Instead of walking away, you stayed, and now you find yourself in this position. That's on YOU.

 

I am not trying to be mean, just pointing out that the big question you need to be asking yourself is WHY you even let yourself get in this situation in the first place. Are guys who lie about their marriages that attractive to you?

Oh I take full responsibility for my involvement in the affair. I can't deny that. I thought we were sifferent. I thought it was real. I believed we were right for each other and met for a reason. It was naive. It was wrong. Maybe despite my looks and intelligence and abundance of friends I am insecure. Who knows. I'll be seeing a therapist to address my relationship issues and fear of commitment. When I'm with a good man and he cares for me, I feel smothered. When they're uninterested, I'm more intrigued. Then if they become more interested, guess what? I feel smothered and lose interest. I have issues to work out and this situation definitely brought them to the surface and I can't ignore them anymore. It's one thing to hurt myself but now my actions are causing an innocent person to hurt and I can't forgive myself for that. At least not right now.

[Imajerk17]

I "liked" your last post, not because I am happy to read this (I am sorry to hear this) but instead because it was quite self-aware.

 

We see threads like yours all the time. Many women (and men) seem to relish the task of fixing a broken man (woman), and have difficulties "feeling chemistry" w a decent available guy (gal). It never seems to end well. At least you are starting to take responsibility for fixing it.

[EZNona]

Thank you very much you make MANY valid points. I'm sure him stepping out would always be a concern to me.

 

As far as the other girl: He and her were friends before. That's how she became my assistant in the first place: the assistant I had was awful and he reached out to her to see if she'd be willing to work with me. They'd been friends for over 2 years. Nothing ever happened.

 

This girl just got out of an abusive relationship and is going through her own stuff with that. She said she's been handling it the wrong way and when she asked him to hang out with her and her friend, she came on to him. That does NOT excuse his behavior or actions. I'm just letting you know how their "thing" happened. That's exactly the problem I have with what he did: that hooking up with someone else seems to be a go-to for him. He says it isn't and it was just a mistake. That he and I were/are different.

 

I don't.know what's true anymore. All I know is right now I don't trust him. For me to ever even consider that, it would be after he's divorced and works to make things right. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying him being single automatically fixes things. There would still be issues. This is all happening less than a week later. I'm sure by next week I'll have a better, more logical understanding of the situation. Right now I'm emotional and confused and just saw the man I love break down in front of me. I am all over the place. He continues to call and I'm so overwhelmed.

 

 

I know it's hard to completely let go and feeling overwhelmed. I 100% understand that, but a few things here scream at me (besides the obvious marriage part):

 

1) It was way too easy for him to dip into another girl's cooter when you guys went on a 'break'. That's wrangling 3 women at one time. It's not like he was a single man at the time when y'all took a break and he decided to take a dive. He is in a long-term marriage, he has a long-term lady on the side, and look how fast and easy it was to get a taste of something else. That means that his relationship with you wasn't a one time affair. He is too comfortable with this lifestyle. And if it's that easy for him to do it now, it will be even easier for him to do it later again with you because he knows you'll give in and take him back.

 

And if you think about it, he started his affair with you very early on into knowing each other. It's just too easy for him.

 

2)Notice how he had no problem telling you to stop bothering him and pressuring him and calling him about the same thing over and over. When you were only looking for reassurance that he was devoted to you and would follow through on leaving his marriage. Notice how now that the show is on the other foot, he has no qualms about blowing up your phone and begging you to meet him trying to convince you to be with him. How is not okay for you to behave this way, but for him it's 100% okay?

 

Your ex-man is a habitual line-stepper and he will do as he likes to get what he wants. Save yourself. No judgement from me, but just some things to think over in the next few days as he tries to make you give him to all his pressuring and pestering.

[Birdies]

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I appreciate it especially given your experience. Despite what he did with this one girl when I ended our "relationship", I still trust and believe in everything else we've had. Our friendship was effortless and was how this all started. He called me everyday in the morning, after work and on weekends. We texted or snapped throughout the day too. I always got consistency with him. It was never one way one day then another way the next day, until now of course. I believe him when he says he has always been his truest most authentic self with me. B/c I was the same way with him. At the end of the day, I know our friendship was real.

 

Having said that, I am fully aware of his downfalls. His communication skills are abysmal. I've had to tell him to be kinder and have more respect for his wife and the way he speaks to her/about her. He doesn't handle conflict well (clearly). His own family/abandonment issues weigh heavily on him and I feel like they contribute to his ability to make the choice to leave despite saying how unhappy he is. I get it: he's far from perfect and he is extremely unsure and confused right now.

 

Luckily we run in completely different social circles. I literally don't know any of their friends and they don't know any of mine. Other than the few friends MM has met. My family would definitely be an obstacle and he is aware of that and admits it causes hesitation. He knows how important my family is to me and he fears that if they never accept him, that it will greatly affect me or even worse, affect our relationship. There are many issues that would need to be addressed and I'm not fooling myself to think that us being together will happen or if it does, that it will be smooth sailing.

 

May I ask you how did you and current partner end up together? I was trying to read some old posts of yours but I never found your actual story. Did each of you leave your spouses for each other? Was it clear cut or was there any back and forth?

 

Thank you again for your post.

 

Hi there. I'm glad you found it helpful. I know the stats on affairs-turned-relationships are terrible and I'm a scientist so I think it's best to believe the rule, not the exception. But I also think there are ways to examine your odds and go about it that increase those odds. You're on the right track with wanting (and hopefully following through on) counseling and being aware of MM's shortcomings.

 

My story...yeah I was paranoid about his ex stalking me so I never did an introduction post. Basically, we had worked together for several years, both in long term relationships of 15-20 years (I'm mid 30s, he's early 40s), just mutually fell hard for each other while working closely on a project. Started tip toeing over the line of what is appropriate, inch by inch, until we were in a full crazy sordid love affair. He had wanted to get divorced even before this and was working towards it, whereas I never considered a divorce, as crazy as that sounds - I just knew I'd have to end things sooner or later and wasn't planning on telling my husband. (I know this is all awful.) MM knew that and we never future faked. Ex husband is a wonderful person, and I thought I was happier than I now realize that I was - wonderful person, difficult spouse. I was codependent for sure - being with someone since you were a teenager, it really makes you believe that you'll be together forever, no matter what, especially when they treat you well and love you, relatively speaking. Still, all 100% my own shltty fault for the shltty coping mechanisms. Anyway, imagine the most dramatic Jerry Springer esque DDay possible. His wife filed immediately and then went crazy scorched earth (draining rheir bank accounts, lying on the stand, etc). My ex and I took some time to let the dust settle. He was willing to try to reconcile but we'd have to quit my job, move, etc. I loved him still but was terribly anxious about the original problems in our marriage plus solving this issue, and was also head over heels in love with Mm. We dallied for several months and I couldn't pull the trigger, I just couldn't hurt my ex anymore (although I see now that maybe being decisive would have been less hurtful). Finally he was like, "the best chance we have of keeping our good memories and love for each other is to call it a day." Amazing right? Like I said, wonderful person. It's been about a year since then and things are really good with the guy. Easy, respectful, loving. Some other issues with his ex and with a lot of friendships evaporating, but that's to be expected. We both have a lot of guilt and it's been hard navigating atoning for our actions but also looking to the future - but things between us are just really natural and good.

 

Again, frankly I think this is incredibly lucky and rare, and it remains to be seen how it'll pan out when things invariably get hard. One of the biggest differences that leaps out at me between our situations is that I cannot even fathom him sleeping with someone else within weeks of us "breaking up" from the affair. It would never happen. He's not a player and he views physical intimacy as a really serious emotional thing. So in that way, it makes me feel more secure in his faithfulness to me - unless maybe we get to the point he was at with his ex where they were just light years apart emotionally. With your guy...it just seems pretty easy for him to jump into bed while married / committed / in love with other people. That would worry me. Maybe if he took my concerns very seriously and went into IC, it would less so. If you do get back with him, I hope you're not afraid to call him on this behavior and demand introspection in the form of therapy as a condition.

 

Anyway this is long, sorry! Good luck navigating. I would t trust him based on his words - trust him based on his ACTIONS. If he's not willing to do what you need to show he's trustworthy...well there you go.

[sandylee1]

So he wasn't actually sleeping with the other woman while with you then?

 

So technically, he didn't cheat on you (if that makes sense), but what it does show, is that he has a problem with fidelity.

 

It just comes over like, if he didn't cheat with you, it would be someone else.

 

One could say, that means his marriage is so bad and he can't stand his wife, except the declarations of love to his wife once you exposed him, don't support that.

 

So my question is... Based on how he has cheated on his wife with at least 2 other women, yet still declares love and that following Dday of he wanted to reconcile, how would you ever truly be able to believe that he loves you?

 

Or... In his world, is it acceptable to cheat on those you love.

[imsosad]

Lostgirl, you're making an awful lot of excuses for him. In my experience, if it takes so many justifications and word twisting to explain someone's actions, something is off.

The simple explaination is usually the right one.

It took you paragraphs upon paragraphs to explain why it wasnt so bad that he slept with your colleague.

Simple explaination: When faced with discomfort or stress it's very easy for him to have sex with someone outside his marriage/LTA.

Also, did you verify with his wife that he is telling the truth about their status?

I am now in a R with the person I had an A with, so I do believe in some cases it's worth a shot. However, please don't ignore or go in to denial, there are several glaring red flags, you would be smart to adress them.

[elaine567]

As far as the other girl: He and her were friends before. That's how she became my assistant in the first place: the assistant I had was awful and he reached out to her to see if she'd be willing to work with me. They'd been friends for over 2 years. Nothing ever happened.

 

This girl just got out of an abusive relationship and is going through her own stuff with that. She said she's been handling it the wrong way and when she asked him to hang out with her and her friend, she came on to him. That does NOT excuse his behavior or actions. I'm just letting you know how their "thing" happened. That's exactly the problem I have with what he did: that hooking up with someone else seems to be a go-to for him. He says it isn't and it was just a mistake. That he and I were/are different.

 

He in fact set this up for his friend to be your assistant.

He then took advantage of a woman fresh out of an abusive relationship who was vulnerable and no doubt need a shoulder to cry on and was lonely. He probably knew she was "interested" too and so brought her into the fold.

Not only was that a bit iffy, but she was also the assistant of the supposed "love of his life" and it was a highly unprofessional thing to do too or is he determined to sleep with all the women he works with?

Not to mention of course he IS also married...

 

Be very careful here.

This guy does not sound anything like long term or marriage material. He has little concept of common decency and seems to be a sexual opportunist.

How could you ever really trust him?

You need to take off your emotional hat and start thinking logically and rationally.

[Spring23]

As angry as OP is and as messed up as it is that this dude had *another* girl on the side besides OP--showing what a major sleaze this dude really is, she *still* would consider going back to this guy, but only if he is divorced. Instead of being completely repulsed as she should be, she still isn't quite willing to shut the door on MM. That shows you right there how strong MM's pull on lostgirl87 really is.

 

My over-under on lostgirl87 ending up back in bed w this guy is 2 weeks. It will happen when he asks 'if they can meet up to talk' and things just happen from there.

 

I think, OP, that you would do better to be honest w yourself instead of saying as you did that it is "definitely over" between you and MM, as it clearly is not.

 

It's not over between them. I see an STD in OP's future.

[georgia girl]

Lost girl,

 

I am only jumping in here because your posts seem to indicate you have already gotten over girl #2. Please reconsider. This guy was disloyal to his wife by developing a relationship with you, then disloyal to you when times got tough. It doesn't matter that you were on a "break." If you are loyal and in love and have integrity, you don't go sleeping with someone else. And particularly, you don't sleep with someone in the same social group. (I agree with others who think he may have slept around during your affair and you just don't know about it. You never suspected this one.)

 

The fact is, you will now always have to wonder. If he does leave and come to you, is he being honest? He said something to get girl #2 to sleep with him. Is he looking around at his new office? If you go out of town to see family, for a work trip, whatever, can you trust him? Could you ever trust him to be honest and faithful?

 

When our hearts are so deeply involved with someone, particularly for someone who says she has never had a real serious relationship, we sometimes avoid setting appropriate boundaries because that would mean kicking someone out of our lives. But sometimes, the absolute best thing in the world that we could do for ourselves is to get rid of the unhealthy relationship. It hurts and we may. E sad and miserable for a very long time. But the person who emerges from that wreckage is stronger, healthier and happier than the person stuck in the wreckage. Ultimately, we all live to love again and when we do, we often make healthier choices based on what we learned from the last guy.

 

I know you love him but I am asking you to love yourself more. This guy is not the one for you - otherwise, the baggage in this relationship would never have happened. Talk to a good family member or friend who has a healthy relationship and listen to their advice. We can't help you. Only you can help yourself.

 

Best of luck,

GG

[lostgirl87]

It's been a little bit since I've logged in so just wanted to check in:

 

I took some time away b/c this situation was way too much for me to try and process. But the status right now is he and I are still talking. We have had lunch a few times. He did tell her he wanted a divorce b/c things weren't going to work with them and she apologized for making him have an affair and wants a chance to work on the marriage. He doesn't think there is anything worth saving but feels guilty and like he owes her a chance. They don't talk about the affair, they won't go to counseling, they are just going on as if it didn't happen. He has been "caught" talking to me about 3 or 4 times since I told his wife everything but she hasn't said anything to me and it doesn't appear to deter him from talking to me.

 

Yes he is still in my life and he constantly tells me he loves me. He wants to speak to my parents but I don't think this is the correct time for that. I understand feeling guilty - I know he cares for her even though he's not in love with her. I can barely tell a man I don't know "no" when asked for a date or my phone number. If I had someone I had betrayed apologizing to me and begging for another chance, id find it difficult to leave right away too. He says now that they're moving in with her parents it will be easier for him to make the move. He and I are not being physical. Yes we still talk. I have been on a few dates and focusing on myself and my new job which I love.

 

He's been very open with me and even though we've always been honest with each other (minus the one night stand) we are now in an even more honest place with each other. As far as that girl, he still has her blocked but she emailed him at work to tell him that I'm such a terrible person and dating other men and that the 2 of them need to hang out and "talk". He showed me the emails and his responses.

 

I have offered to walk away quietly. To let him work it out with his wife. I have tried to maintain some distance but he chooses to remain in contact. He texts me when he's at home. He's torn between following his heart and the guilt he feels for what he has done to his wife. He never wanted her to find out. He wanted to end things based on their marriage being over not bc he's leaving her for someone else. And that's what I want for them too. I feel okay with the way things are right now. He has kissed me and I haven't pushed him away but we haven't slept together.

 

I don't know what's going to happen and neither does he. He says he's not even sure his wife knows what she wants b/c they haven't done anything differently to "fix" their issues or make any changes. Only time will tell.

 

What I do know is my happiness is returning. And it's no longer affected by how much I talk to him or how much I see him. Yes, I love him but after the last few weeks, i feel like I am stronger and not looking to him to complete my happiness. When I first posted here, I was a mess at the thought of losing him. It was hard to breathe, i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep. Today I am happier, focused on ME, and not obsessing over what may or may not happen with us. Of course it crosses my mind but with the other things I'm doing to take up my time, I'm no longer consumed with those thoughts. At this point, I don't feel like NC is necessary. Our communication is limited and we don't see each other much. And even then it's in public for lunch. I know that's still "wrong" but like I said, for right now, it works. We'll see how this goes...

[Tulipwood]

I'm really curious..how did his wife "make" him have an affair?

 

I can never make anyone do anything they don't want to do..no matter how hard I try..;0

Edited April 27, 2017 by Tulipwood