definitely over with MM [UPDATED: Just Friends?? Or impossible?]

[lostgirl87]

Those weren't my words. I don't believe anyone is ever responsible for an affair other than the cheater and the other person.

 

That's what she said to him: she was sorry for making him have an affair or pushing him to it and promised she would change if he gave her chance. When she first found out she was the one who brought up divorce so he was going with that. When she switched it on him is when things got difficult for him b/c now he has to hurt her again by wanting to divorce.

[Jemima1234]

It's been a little bit since I've logged in so just wanted to check in:

 

I took some time away b/c this situation was way too much for me to try and process. But the status right now is he and I are still talking. We have had lunch a few times. He did tell her he wanted a divorce b/c things weren't going to work with them and she apologized for making him have an affair and wants a chance to work on the marriage. He doesn't think there is anything worth saving but feels guilty and like he owes her a chance. They don't talk about the affair, they won't go to counseling, they are just going on as if it didn't happen. He has been "caught" talking to me about 3 or 4 times since I told his wife everything but she hasn't said anything to me and it doesn't appear to deter him from talking to me.

 

Yes he is still in my life and he constantly tells me he loves me. He wants to speak to my parents but I don't think this is the correct time for that. I understand feeling guilty - I know he cares for her even though he's not in love with her. I can barely tell a man I don't know "no" when asked for a date or my phone number. If I had someone I had betrayed apologizing to me and begging for another chance, id find it difficult to leave right away too. He says now that they're moving in with her parents it will be easier for him to make the move. He and I are not being physical. Yes we still talk. I have been on a few dates and focusing on myself and my new job which I love.

 

He's been very open with me and even though we've always been honest with each other (minus the one night stand) we are now in an even more honest place with each other. As far as that girl, he still has her blocked but she emailed him at work to tell him that I'm such a terrible person and dating other men and that the 2 of them need to hang out and "talk". He showed me the emails and his responses.

 

I have offered to walk away quietly. To let him work it out with his wife. I have tried to maintain some distance but he chooses to remain in contact. He texts me when he's at home. He's torn between following his heart and the guilt he feels for what he has done to his wife. He never wanted her to find out. He wanted to end things based on their marriage being over not bc he's leaving her for someone else. And that's what I want for them too. I feel okay with the way things are right now. He has kissed me and I haven't pushed him away but we haven't slept together.

 

I don't know what's going to happen and neither does he. He says he's not even sure his wife knows what she wants b/c they haven't done anything differently to "fix" their issues or make any changes. Only time will tell.

 

What I do know is my happiness is returning. And it's no longer affected by how much I talk to him or how much I see him. Yes, I love him but after the last few weeks, i feel like I am stronger and not looking to him to complete my happiness. When I first posted here, I was a mess at the thought of losing him. It was hard to breathe, i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep. Today I am happier, focused on ME, and not obsessing over what may or may not happen with us. Of course it crosses my mind but with the other things I'm doing to take up my time, I'm no longer consumed with those thoughts. At this point, I don't feel like NC is necessary. Our communication is limited and we don't see each other much. And even then it's in public for lunch. I know that's still "wrong" but like I said, for right now, it works. We'll see how this goes...

 

 

I can see a lot of where you are coming from - if he genuinely is telling his wife he in contact with you. Is he working at his marriage? Being intimate?

[S2B]

It's been a little bit since I've logged in so just wanted to check in:

 

I took some time away b/c this situation was way too much for me to try and process. But the status right now is he and I are still talking. We have had lunch a few times. He did tell her he wanted a divorce b/c things weren't going to work with them and she apologized for making him have an affair and wants a chance to work on the marriage. He doesn't think there is anything worth saving but feels guilty and like he owes her a chance. They don't talk about the affair, they won't go to counseling, they are just going on as if it didn't happen. He has been "caught" talking to me about 3 or 4 times since I told his wife everything but she hasn't said anything to me and it doesn't appear to deter him from talking to me.

 

Yes he is still in my life and he constantly tells me he loves me. He wants to speak to my parents but I don't think this is the correct time for that. I understand feeling guilty - I know he cares for her even though he's not in love with her. I can barely tell a man I don't know "no" when asked for a date or my phone number. If I had someone I had betrayed apologizing to me and begging for another chance, id find it difficult to leave right away too. He says now that they're moving in with her parents it will be easier for him to make the move. He and I are not being physical. Yes we still talk. I have been on a few dates and focusing on myself and my new job which I love.

 

He's been very open with me and even though we've always been honest with each other (minus the one night stand) we are now in an even more honest place with each other. As far as that girl, he still has her blocked but she emailed him at work to tell him that I'm such a terrible person and dating other men and that the 2 of them need to hang out and "talk". He showed me the emails and his responses.

 

I have offered to walk away quietly. To let him work it out with his wife. I have tried to maintain some distance but he chooses to remain in contact. He texts me when he's at home. He's torn between following his heart and the guilt he feels for what he has done to his wife. He never wanted her to find out. He wanted to end things based on their marriage being over not bc he's leaving her for someone else. And that's what I want for them too. I feel okay with the way things are right now. He has kissed me and I haven't pushed him away but we haven't slept together.

 

I don't know what's going to happen and neither does he. He says he's not even sure his wife knows what she wants b/c they haven't done anything differently to "fix" their issues or make any changes. Only time will tell.

 

What I do know is my happiness is returning. And it's no longer affected by how much I talk to him or how much I see him. Yes, I love him but after the last few weeks, i feel like I am stronger and not looking to him to complete my happiness. When I first posted here, I was a mess at the thought of losing him. It was hard to breathe, i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep. Today I am happier, focused on ME, and not obsessing over what may or may not happen with us. Of course it crosses my mind but with the other things I'm doing to take up my time, I'm no longer consumed with those thoughts. At this point, I don't feel like NC is necessary. Our communication is limited and we don't see each other much. And even then it's in public for lunch. I know that's still "wrong" but like I said, for right now, it works. We'll see how this goes...

 

 

 

How sad for you... he's not offering you anything for your future.

 

How sad for his wife...she took responsibility for his affair and they don't plan to work with a professional to improve the marriage...

 

 

Looks like this MM gets off Scott free and still gets to have it all... he won't change.

 

IF you stay put in this position you can expect to still be his OW 25 years from now - it happens...

 

Change is up to YOU.

[BTDT2012]

He says he's not even sure his wife knows what she wants b/c they haven't done anything differently to "fix" their issues or make any changes. Only time will tell.

 

Him being a cheater is not "their" issue. Only you will decide when you've had enough of being his Plan "B" At this rate, it will only be a matter of time before you are sleeping with him again.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

It's been a little bit since I've logged in so just wanted to check in:

 

I took some time away b/c this situation was way too much for me to try and process. But the status right now is he and I are still talking. We have had lunch a few times. He did tell her he wanted a divorce b/c things weren't going to work with them and she apologized for making him have an affair and wants a chance to work on the marriage. He doesn't think there is anything worth saving but feels guilty and like he owes her a chance. They don't talk about the affair, they won't go to counseling, they are just going on as if it didn't happen. He has been "caught" talking to me about 3 or 4 times since I told his wife everything but she hasn't said anything to me and it doesn't appear to deter him from talking to me.

 

Yes he is still in my life and he constantly tells me he loves me. He wants to speak to my parents but I don't think this is the correct time for that. I understand feeling guilty - I know he cares for her even though he's not in love with her. I can barely tell a man I don't know "no" when asked for a date or my phone number. If I had someone I had betrayed apologizing to me and begging for another chance, id find it difficult to leave right away too. He says now that they're moving in with her parents it will be easier for him to make the move. He and I are not being physical. Yes we still talk. I have been on a few dates and focusing on myself and my new job which I love.

 

He's been very open with me and even though we've always been honest with each other (minus the one night stand) we are now in an even more honest place with each other. As far as that girl, he still has her blocked but she emailed him at work to tell him that I'm such a terrible person and dating other men and that the 2 of them need to hang out and "talk". He showed me the emails and his responses.

 

I have offered to walk away quietly. To let him work it out with his wife. I have tried to maintain some distance but he chooses to remain in contact. He texts me when he's at home. He's torn between following his heart and the guilt he feels for what he has done to his wife. He never wanted her to find out. He wanted to end things based on their marriage being over not bc he's leaving her for someone else. And that's what I want for them too. I feel okay with the way things are right now. He has kissed me and I haven't pushed him away but we haven't slept together.

 

I don't know what's going to happen and neither does he. He says he's not even sure his wife knows what she wants b/c they haven't done anything differently to "fix" their issues or make any changes. Only time will tell.

 

What I do know is my happiness is returning. And it's no longer affected by how much I talk to him or how much I see him. Yes, I love him but after the last few weeks, i feel like I am stronger and not looking to him to complete my happiness. When I first posted here, I was a mess at the thought of losing him. It was hard to breathe, i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep. Today I am happier, focused on ME, and not obsessing over what may or may not happen with us. Of course it crosses my mind but with the other things I'm doing to take up my time, I'm no longer consumed with those thoughts. At this point, I don't feel like NC is necessary. Our communication is limited and we don't see each other much. And even then it's in public for lunch. I know that's still "wrong" but like I said, for right now, it works. We'll see how this goes...

Hi lostgirl, pls I will ask that you walk away and not offer to walk away. I had broken up with my xMM and was fine. He came back and I told him I was happy without him and that I will prefer he goes back to his wife and work things out. He said to me he doesn't ever think we could be friends or stay married to his wife without having a girlfriend! Stupidly, I slipped into the affair again after he lovebombarded me! He will do anything to string you along. Pls walk away and do not offer. Get away from this now.

 

I'd also like for you to read this book,"Who is pulling your strings. How tobreak the cycle of manipulation and regain control of your life" it's available on audible. Iv learnt a lot about myself and why I indulged and allowed all sorts.

 

I wish you luck

[lostgirl87]

According to him, there's no intimacy. He says he's not working on it bc he doesn't want to but he's still there. That he just feels guilty and bad for her and doesn't know how to say "it's over" after doing this to her. I feel like he needs her to be the one to end it b/c he feels too guilty to do it himself.

 

Of course this could all be lies. I have no real way of knowing what's really being said or going on. But I do believe him.

[S2B]

According to him, there's no intimacy. He says he's not working on it bc he doesn't want to but he's still there. That he just feels guilty and bad for her and doesn't know how to say "it's over" after doing this to her. I feel like he needs her to be the one to end it b/c he feels too guilty to do it himself.

 

Of course this could all be lies. I have no real way of knowing what's really being said or going on. But I do believe him.

 

They lie. Of course he's having sex with her - I'm sure she's offering it up on a silver platter in order to keep him around - especially since she swallowed her integrity and pride to stay married.

 

As long as you have any contact with him you aren't going to be finding an available man to make you his top priority.

 

This guy is a first class jerk - I hope you start looking for someone new and much better to date.

[Imajerk17]

Sounds to me instead that you are ignoring all the advice you have gotten here to walk away. I mean, here you are, meeting him for lunch and still analysing the state of his marriage. He is occupying a lot of your headspace and mental energy, and you are keeping it that way, despite your half-hearted attempts to establish some "boundaries".

 

There are plenty of guys out there who are single, decent, and looking for a relationship. Can't you just go get yourself your own man??

[S2B]

Sounds to me instead that you are ignoring all the advice you have gotten here to walk away. I mean, here you are, meeting him for lunch and still analysing the state of his marriage. He is occupying a lot of your headspace and mental energy, and you are keeping it that way, despite your half-hearted attempts to establish some "boundaries".

 

There are plenty of guys out there who are single, decent, and looking for a relationship. Can't you just go get yourself your own man??

 

Not as long as the MM has all of her power! Then the MM seems to hand his wife all his power... hmmm you are far removed from having ANY control in this equation...

 

 

 

Take YOUR power back and start doing things to change this - take charge of YOUR life.

 

This isn't over and won't be unless you make it be over.

Edited April 27, 2017 by S2B

[Starswillshine]

All you have is his word. And shouldn't it be obvious his words mean nothing?

 

He is lying to you. He is trying to keep you in his life. He is lying to his wife. He is trying to keep her from leaving him.

 

He doesn't want a divorce. He wants to keep her and keep you.

[Birdies]

I have a different perspective than most who have posted recently, because a year ago this time, I was your MM. My affair had come to light, I was completely mired and helpless and unable to make a decision on what to do, I cared a great deal about my husband and was devastated and how I've hurt him, but at the same time, I was pretty sure I had fallen out of love and I didn't envision our marriage changing for the better down the line. And I was in love with my AP. Yet I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger on it partly because I was afraid to lose him for good, and partly because I couldn't bear the idea of hurting him any further. So I dithered around in limbo, which I realize now is probably just more painful in the long run. And yes, I was still seeing my AP some, and no my husband and I were not being intimate. I was very open with my AP and with my husband about all of this. I figured that after so much lying and covering up, being honest was the best thing that I can do. So he's not necessarily lying to you. Everyone please note that I regret this all immensely and I'm in no way justifying it.

 

Lost girl, if you really think this is the man for you despite his proven abilities for lying and cheating, then what I would do is tell him that if things haven't changed in X amount of time (two months maybe?), The door will shut on any potential future between you two. And be prepared to follow through with it. He may legitimately need some time to decide what he wants to do and to follow through with it. But that doesn't mean that you should be kept on the back burner for months or years.

[BenchCoach]

Gonna go out on a limb here but if I may ask, have you been intimate with him at any time while you've been having these "lunches" with him? Held hands and/or kissing at any time?

[Birdies]

Gonna go out on a limb here but if I may ask, have you been intimate with him at any time while you've been having these "lunches" with him? Held hands and/or kissing at any time?

 

She said in her post that they have kissed some.

[S2B]

If it were over - you wouldn't ever go to lunch with him again.

 

Why do you tell yourself it's over when it's not?

[sandylee1]

Considering his wife made him have an affair and is so sorry for doing so.. My thinking is that she'd be pulling out all the stops to stop him from straying and he's getting the best sex she can give him.

 

Yet apparently his guilt is making him stay married. No kids, no property, so the next best excuse for not leaving is guilt.

 

I don't have to be mystic Meg, to predict that this won't end well for you OP. Not unless she finds out the affair is still going on and sends him packing.

 

There must be a real pull to this man, which I reckon is his sweet talk (through his ability to lie so convincingly) and his performance in the intimate department.

[GeekLover]

I have a different perspective than most who have posted recently, because a year ago this time, I was your MM. My affair had come to light, I was completely mired and helpless and unable to make a decision on what to do, I cared a great deal about my husband and was devastated and how I've hurt him, but at the same time, I was pretty sure I had fallen out of love and I didn't envision our marriage changing for the better down the line. And I was in love with my AP. Yet I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger on it partly because I was afraid to lose him for good, and partly because I couldn't bear the idea of hurting him any further. So I dithered around in limbo, which I realize now is probably just more painful in the long run. And yes, I was still seeing my AP some, and no my husband and I were not being intimate. I was very open with my AP and with my husband about all of this. I figured that after so much lying and covering up, being honest was the best thing that I can do. So he's not necessarily lying to you. Everyone please note that I regret this all immensely and I'm in no way justifying it.

 

Lost girl, if you really think this is the man for you despite his proven abilities for lying and cheating, then what I would do is tell him that if things haven't changed in X amount of time (two months maybe?), The door will shut on any potential future between you two. And be prepared to follow through with it. He may legitimately need some time to decide what he wants to do and to follow through with it. But that doesn't mean that you should be kept on the back burner for months or years.

 

I can second this. I was also in EXACTLY Birdie's place 5 months ago. I finally expressed my real feelings to my husband...that I was indeed in love with my OM and I couldn't keep going on the way we were. However for me, my OM decided he didn't actually want me afterall...though NEVER expressed these feelings until he was given the opportunity to have me for good.

 

I'm not sure you need to completely close a door, because from my own experience, putting that pressure on him may not necessarily give you the results you're looking for. Besides, do you really want to enter a relationship knowing you forced his hand?

 

I think what's best is for him to figure out what he wants on his own, without ultimatums. But that's just my own experience.

 

For me...I lost my OM because he was unable to wait long enough for me to end my marriage amicably and ensure my children would have the best possible chance given the circumstances. Unfortunately, he was still in a position where him and his ex wife were still arguing about money, and just before our split, she started hitting him up for child support. He was so concerned about me leaving my husband, when he didn't even have his own ***** figured out.

 

I can at least say I put in the time and effort to ensure ONE of us would have a decent relationship with our ex/kids...so we would have at least HALF a chance to work out. But he didn't see it that way.

 

Unfortunately he gave up on me as soon as he actually got me. Or only that, but he jumped directly into a new relationship with NO break in between. I will NEVER understand this.

 

Being in your position is definitely tough and requires a lot of patience. You need to trust your MM that he will leave, and you need to give him the space to do it in his own time.

 

I think, from my own experience as MW with an AP, what I would most appreciate is the time and the support. All I wanted from my OM was for him to support me and BELIEVE IN ME and TRUST ME.

 

Our relationship began to dwindle because he ALWAYS questioned me...even when I repeatedly told him what I thought, how I felt and even started taking action on leaving my husband (scheduled nights where I slept at a friend's, started to budget my finances and look for my own place).

 

I think you just need to decide how much faith you have in him. Trust your instinct. What does it say?

[lostgirl87]

If it were over - you wouldn't ever go to lunch with him again.

 

Why do you tell yourself it's over when it's not?

I can't update the title of this thread. I believed it was over when I told his wife everything that happened and I blocked him. He continued calling from work and private number until I eventually picked up. Again, I am not currently saying "it's over" b/c we are still speaking. I just can't change the title.

[lostgirl87]

Considering his wife made him have an affair and is so sorry for doing so.. My thinking is that she'd be pulling out all the stops to stop him from straying and he's getting the best sex she can give him.

 

Yet apparently his guilt is making him stay married. No kids, no property, so the next best excuse for not leaving is guilt.

 

I don't have to be mystic Meg, to predict that this won't end well for you OP. Not unless she finds out the affair is still going on and sends him packing.

 

There must be a real pull to this man, which I reckon is his sweet talk (through his ability to lie so convincingly) and his performance in the intimate department.

She knows we are still speaking. All I can go by is what he tells me b/c I am not in their home. And if she's having sex with her own husband then great for them. I'm not sleeping with him so they can have at it.

[lostgirl87]

Wow you are obsessed with this guy for over a year. You also clearly have s****y taste in people as you're willingly and actively making yourself a magnet firstly to him and then his wife, both of which are questionable people.

I hope one day you realise this guy is the total opposite of "a catch", and this is the total opposite of a proper honorable relationship. But I guess a home-wrecker like yourself deserves everything you keep putting yourself through

Lol. I read some of the posts you've made and you're clearly very judgmental and bitter. I'm sorry for whatever you had to go through that made you this way. Have a good evening.

[lostgirl87]

I have a different perspective than most who have posted recently, because a year ago this time, I was your MM. My affair had come to light, I was completely mired and helpless and unable to make a decision on what to do, I cared a great deal about my husband and was devastated and how I've hurt him, but at the same time, I was pretty sure I had fallen out of love and I didn't envision our marriage changing for the better down the line. And I was in love with my AP. Yet I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger on it partly because I was afraid to lose him for good, and partly because I couldn't bear the idea of hurting him any further. So I dithered around in limbo, which I realize now is probably just more painful in the long run. And yes, I was still seeing my AP some, and no my husband and I were not being intimate. I was very open with my AP and with my husband about all of this. I figured that after so much lying and covering up, being honest was the best thing that I can do. So he's not necessarily lying to you. Everyone please note that I regret this all immensely and I'm in no way justifying it.

 

Lost girl, if you really think this is the man for you despite his proven abilities for lying and cheating, then what I would do is tell him that if things haven't changed in X amount of time (two months maybe?), The door will shut on any potential future between you two. And be prepared to follow through with it. He may legitimately need some time to decide what he wants to do and to follow through with it. But that doesn't mean that you should be kept on the back burner for months or years.

Thank you for your perspective. What you're describing sounds a lot like what he has been saying and to me, it sounds plausible. Maybe I'm wrong. Or maybe it's the truth. Time will tell. But for now, I believe him.

 

I've given myself a time limit for this situation. I'm not sleeping with him or putting my life on hold for him and he's aware of this but is choosing to keep me in his life.

 

Again thank you for sharing your experience and I'm glad things have worked out for you and all that were involved

[lostgirl87]

I can second this. I was also in EXACTLY Birdie's place 5 months ago. I finally expressed my real feelings to my husband...that I was indeed in love with my OM and I couldn't keep going on the way we were. However for me, my OM decided he didn't actually want me afterall...though NEVER expressed these feelings until he was given the opportunity to have me for good.

 

I'm not sure you need to completely close a door, because from my own experience, putting that pressure on him may not necessarily give you the results you're looking for. Besides, do you really want to enter a relationship knowing you forced his hand?

 

I think what's best is for him to figure out what he wants on his own, without ultimatums. But that's just my own experience.

 

For me...I lost my OM because he was unable to wait long enough for me to end my marriage amicably and ensure my children would have the best possible chance given the circumstances. Unfortunately, he was still in a position where him and his ex wife were still arguing about money, and just before our split, she started hitting him up for child support. He was so concerned about me leaving my husband, when he didn't even have his own ***** figured out.

 

I can at least say I put in the time and effort to ensure ONE of us would have a decent relationship with our ex/kids...so we would have at least HALF a chance to work out. But he didn't see it that way.

 

Unfortunately he gave up on me as soon as he actually got me. Or only that, but he jumped directly into a new relationship with NO break in between. I will NEVER understand this.

 

Being in your position is definitely tough and requires a lot of patience. You need to trust your MM that he will leave, and you need to give him the space to do it in his own time.

 

I think, from my own experience as MW with an AP, what I would most appreciate is the time and the support. All I wanted from my OM was for him to support me and BELIEVE IN ME and TRUST ME.

 

Our relationship began to dwindle because he ALWAYS questioned me...even when I repeatedly told him what I thought, how I felt and even started taking action on leaving my husband (scheduled nights where I slept at a friend's, started to budget my finances and look for my own place).

 

I think you just need to decide how much faith you have in him. Trust your instinct. What does it say?

Wow thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry that after everything you went through, it didn't work out. Did you end up reconciling with your husband when things with OM didn't work?

 

I'm trying to be supportive of him. I'm trying to not pressure or give ultimatums but I'll admit that sometimes I get frustrated and want to scream "you say you love me and it won't work with her so just GO" and actually I have said that. But when I calm down I realize it's not that easy. I can't imagine the guilt and how difficult it is to look at someone you love and care for and have to hurt them all over again.

 

The strange thing is I believe him. I know it's easy for others to say "he's lying" or whatever, but I know what he and I are. I believe in our friendship which is how this whole thing started. We weren't physical for many months after we met. We've always been open and honest. If I'm not sleeping with him and he's getting no "benefits" from me as an OW, then I don't see why he'd want to keep me around if he didn't actually feel the way he says he does. Time will tell what happens. Ive given myself a time limit for this situation and if theee aren't any changes, then I know what I need to do. Pressuring him is what caused problems with us in the first place. Time will tell what happens but it's good to know that what he's saying and feeling is at least plausible.

 

Thank you again for sharing!

[Birdies]

I

 

I think what's best is for him to figure out what he wants on his own, without ultimatums. But that's just my own experience.

 

For me...I lost my OM because he was unable to wait long enough for me to end my marriage amicably and ensure my children would have the best possible chance given the circumstances. Unfortunately, he was still in a position where him and his ex wife were still arguing about money, and just before our split, she started hitting him up for child support. He was so concerned about me leaving my husband, when he didn't even have his own ***** figured out.

 

Being in your position is definitely tough and requires a lot of patience. You need to trust your MM that he will leave, and you need to give him the space to do it in his own time.

 

I think, from my own experience as MW with an AP, what I would most appreciate is the time and the support. All I wanted from my OM was for him to support me and BELIEVE IN ME and TRUST ME.

 

Our relationship began to dwindle because he ALWAYS questioned me...even when I repeatedly told him what I thought, how I felt and even started taking action on leaving my husband (scheduled nights where I slept at a friend's, started to budget my finances and look for my own place).

 

I think you just need to decide how much faith you have in him. Trust your instinct. What does it say?

 

Yeah this is a good point. My MM knew he was getting divorced (had wanted it anyway, and his wife went scorched earth and filed immediately) and he definitely wanted to be with me. But he never pressured me. He knew I was conflicted and needed time and he wanted me to decide what to do based on what I ultimately wanted, not because of his feelings on the matter. I was really grateful for that support without the pressure.

 

GeekLover, I'm sorry that things didn't work out better for you. I really really respect you taking the time to make things as painless as possible for your kids.

 

OP - thanks for your well wishes. I certainly wouldn't say things worked out well for everyone, considering how much I hurt the person I cared about most in the world But my relationship is good, and I think he's happy with a new girlfriend and seemed pretty motivated to try to figure some of his shlt out, so it's about as good as could be expected for a crappy situation. So yeah, thanks. Good luck.

[S2B]

I'm glad you have a time limit for yourself.

 

What does he get? He gets an ego stroke.

 

Why does he get her and you? What's right about having those feelings but no way to state exactly how he makes you feel?

 

You shouldn't have to squish your feelings emotionally - when you really love someone.

[sandylee1]

From the OPs posts and the experience of a couple of MWs who had affairs, I see that one of the most challenging things, is knowing if you're being told the truth.

 

Because you're aware that your OM/MM and the MW has proved to be deceptive in his /her marriage, you just don't know if the declarations of love and "I want to be with you" are true.

 

It's hard when the relationship started in this dishonest way.

[GeekLover]

Wow thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry that after everything you went through, it didn't work out. Did you end up reconciling with your husband when things with OM didn't work?

 

Originally, OM and I had discussed parting ways because it wasn't fair for him to keep waiting for me to figure out what I was doing with my marriage. He had put in his time (about a year, which happens to be how long it took him to split with his wife as well). I honestly couldn't handle trying to make him and my H happy at the same time, and having my OM around while I was trying to make my decision was holding me back anyway.

 

At the time of this conversation, I didn't realize it would take me less than a week to also get the nerve to finally pull the plug on my marriage.

 

I remember it so clearly-H was upstairs putting the kids to bed and I felt it all boil over inside me. I ran out the front door in my bare feet in the rain, sprinted around the block twice, returned to the house, collapsed on the couch, and just sobbed like I'd never sobbed before. H came downstairs to find me in that state, and I finally told him I couldn't do it anymore and I was in love with my OM.

 

The next day I texted my OM to tell him we needed to meet to talk, and that's when everything happened with him. He refused to see me. It's been 5 months now since I've heard from him. We never did meet.

 

To answer your question: No. I have been standing by my decision. I made a choice to end my marriage because I was in love with someone else. My H has been an amazing friend to me during this time and has been one of the few to comfort me after the loss of my OM. I don't deserve any of this treatment he has given me after everything I have done to him, but he chooses to be there for me regardless. However, I can't find any way to justify trying to fix our marriage after all of this.

 

How do I tell my H I love someone else, end our marriage to be with that person, and then say, "Oh...nevermind...he doesn't want me afterall, so let's stay together" after OM has rejected me. I can't do anymore damage to my H. I've done enough and it isn't fair to choose him as my Plan B.