I need saving my marriage

[kmr_8]

This is my first time posting on this forum, but I am starting to feel desperate and need help. I thought this might be a good place to find real, sound advice.

 

My husband and I got married one year ago, and we dated five years before that. I am still young at 26, and my husband will be turning 30 soon. By the standards of my circle of friends and family, I got married on the young side. I now see why this might be true.

 

My husband and I basically grew up together. When I moved out of my parents house, I went straight to living with him. We were what you could call a "perfect" couple: always got along, fun group of friends, great cohabitation, and the same vision for our future. In retrospect, our only problem was that we weren't the most passionate, tear our clothes off each other type of couple. But our sex life was fun and fairly regular, so I didn't really see a problem there. We were best friends, and had a great relationship.

 

A few months after we got engaged, I had what you could call a big life change, which I guess often happens in your early twenties; I decided to completely change carreer paths and got accepted into medical school. This was a big deal for me, and i've been very involved in my studies for the past two years. This means I have little time to have fun and go out with my husband or with friends. It's been quite isolating actually, but it's my dream and I'm determined to achieve it.

 

But my husband is almost 30, and he's starting to think about kids and buying a house. He's not very happy in his career right now, not making as much money and not being as fulfilled as he wish he would be. I think our relationship is the best thing in his life right now, so he wants us to have big, short term goals together. And this is where our problems started.

 

I'm having what you could call a "quarter life crisis" right now. And it's pushing me away from my husband.

 

For the past few months, i've started contemplating what life would be like if I was single again. I feel like I did everything right, settling down with a good man, working hard for my dream career, but now I feel trapped. With all this talk about kids and a house, i'm starting to think I haven't lived life to the fullest. What if I want to travel? What if I want to pursue a long, competitive residency? What if I miss out on something?

 

Also, my husband and I barely have sex anymore. And this is mostly due to me not being attracted to him anymore for some reason. It's not that I have a low libido, it's just that I don't want to have sex with him. He just turns me off. And I miss having that passionate relationship with someone.

 

A few weeks ago, I broke down crying and told my husband I was unhappy. I explained my whole "quarter life crisis" situation, keeping out the part about not being attracted to him. He was very understanding, and said I should go out and have fun, do something new on my own. He said he didn't mind waiting for us to have kids.

 

But my feelings didn't stop. And I've been doing things that are very out of character for me, like going out late with friends, or flirting with a guy I know. When I realized this, I felt the need to REALLY talk with my husband.

 

So I sat him down and told him I wasn't attracted to him anymore. That I was rethinking our whole relationship, and that I thought I needed a break to think. This was very hard on him. He started crying and saying he couldn't imagine life without me. That he wouldn't be able to live without me. That he wanted to do everything he could to bring back the spark between us. He said, we can't just stop trying. We need to work things out.

 

So we agreed to go to counseling together. And he's been very sweet, buying me flowers and saying he finds me so attractive. He's tried to initiate sex a few times, but honestly i'm just not into it. And for some reason, it's like his behavior is pushing me even further away.

 

He's asked me multiple times what we can do to fix this, and I just don't know. I've told him I think we could try doing more fun and exciting things together, but i'm not sure this will work. I need help to save my marriage. I love this man, but I don't think I can live in this passionless relationship much longer. If someone has been in this situation, I would appreciate some advice.

[Momof3littleones]

Honestly you are so young. I got married at 25 also after 5 years together, but we had passion and love. We could still have that passion now not even being together. In retrospect we did get serious at a young age, but we did wait 5 years to have kids so we didn't rush anything. You have no kids, you haven't been married a long time. I really do think people should work on a marriage as much as they can, but in this case, I just can't see it getting better. You'll only end up resenting him if you can't do the things you really want to do.

[d0nnivain]

I've never been where you but I would urge you to get into individual counseling too. You have to find out what changed for you. Also read 2 pop psychology books by Dr. Laura: The Care & Feeding of a Marriage & The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands. Some of what she says is misogynistic drivel but the core of the books is about appreciation.

 

 

What is your MC saying about your feelings? At this point it seem like your husband is working to keep things together but you are complaining.

 

 

Also listen to a song by Reba McIntyre: Is There Life Out There. It's about a woman who married young, raised her family & is now wondering what she may have missed out on.

 

 

My suggestion is to travel & explore with your husband. Even though he's ready to settle down that doesn't mean he's unwilling to have some more adventures before you have kids. Compromise.

[UpArrow]

God bless ya OP just cut the cord. Your situation was exactly like mine (Male 54 now) but my wife decided to wait to leave me until we were 54 years old.

 

Her leaving after 37 years together has dismantled me as a human being. I'm 54 and haven't a clue or inclination how to enter the dating scene. She did in fact take half of me with her. Sought out swinger clubs, traveleed the world etc etc.

How I wish she had just made the painful cut when we were 4 years in.

 

You will never be attracted to him and don't place weight on the vows you took so do the man a solid and cut that cord and go NC asap.

[Mr. Lucky]

You will never be attracted to him and don't place weight on the vows you took so do the man a solid and cut that cord and go NC asap.

 

As big a believer in marriage as I am, it's still hard to disagree with this.

 

kmr_8, not only don't you love him, you don't have much respect for him. And that's a pretty deadly combo.

 

He's a young man. Let him find someone who values him while you pursue your own goals. Probably a case where ripping the bandage straight off is the best thing to do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simple Logic]

This is my first time posting on this forum, but I am starting to feel desperate and need help. I thought this might be a good place to find real, sound advice.

 

My husband and I got married one year ago, and we dated five years before that. I am still young at 26, and my husband will be turning 30 soon. By the standards of my circle of friends and family, I got married on the young side. I now see why this might be true.

 

My husband and I basically grew up together. When I moved out of my parents house, I went straight to living with him. We were what you could call a "perfect" couple: always got along, fun group of friends, great cohabitation, and the same vision for our future. In retrospect, our only problem was that we weren't the most passionate, tear our clothes off each other type of couple. But our sex life was fun and fairly regular, so I didn't really see a problem there. We were best friends, and had a great relationship.

 

A few months after we got engaged, I had what you could call a big life change, which I guess often happens in your early twenties; I decided to completely change carreer paths and got accepted into medical school. This was a big deal for me, and i've been very involved in my studies for the past two years. This means I have little time to have fun and go out with my husband or with friends. It's been quite isolating actually, but it's my dream and I'm determined to achieve it.

 

But my husband is almost 30, and he's starting to think about kids and buying a house. He's not very happy in his career right now, not making as much money and not being as fulfilled as he wish he would be. I think our relationship is the best thing in his life right now, so he wants us to have big, short term goals together. And this is where our problems started.

 

I'm having what you could call a "quarter life crisis" right now. And it's pushing me away from my husband.

 

For the past few months, i've started contemplating what life would be like if I was single again. I feel like I did everything right, settling down with a good man, working hard for my dream career, but now I feel trapped. With all this talk about kids and a house, i'm starting to think I haven't lived life to the fullest. What if I want to travel? What if I want to pursue a long, competitive residency? What if I miss out on something?

 

Also, my husband and I barely have sex anymore. And this is mostly due to me not being attracted to him anymore for some reason. It's not that I have a low libido, it's just that I don't want to have sex with him. He just turns me off. And I miss having that passionate relationship with someone.

 

A few weeks ago, I broke down crying and told my husband I was unhappy. I explained my whole "quarter life crisis" situation, keeping out the part about not being attracted to him. He was very understanding, and said I should go out and have fun, do something new on my own. He said he didn't mind waiting for us to have kids.

 

But my feelings didn't stop. And I've been doing things that are very out of character for me, like going out late with friends, or flirting with a guy I know. When I realized this, I felt the need to REALLY talk with my husband.

 

So I sat him down and told him I wasn't attracted to him anymore. That I was rethinking our whole relationship, and that I thought I needed a break to think. This was very hard on him. He started crying and saying he couldn't imagine life without me. That he wouldn't be able to live without me. That he wanted to do everything he could to bring back the spark between us. He said, we can't just stop trying. We need to work things out.

 

So we agreed to go to counseling together. And he's been very sweet, buying me flowers and saying he finds me so attractive. He's tried to initiate sex a few times, but honestly i'm just not into it. And for some reason, it's like his behavior is pushing me even further away.

 

He's asked me multiple times what we can do to fix this, and I just don't know. I've told him I think we could try doing more fun and exciting things together, but i'm not sure this will work. I need help to save my marriage. I love this man, but I don't think I can live in this passionless relationship much longer. If someone has been in this situation, I would appreciate some advice.

 

I kinda think your current marriage is over because once you lose all physical attraction I do not think it comes back. You waited too long too adress this issue.

[Whodatdog]

You are both still very young and have decades of living in front of you. Fortunately you dont have kids. You dont want to look ahead and see nothing but sadness, you want to see a life full of fun and excitement. You can still do that. Breaking up is difficult, but will be twice as difficult the longer you wait.

[kmr_8]

Thank you for all your advice. It really helps put things into perspective. I do feel that all the thought i'm putting into doing this right shows that I respect my husband very much and don't want to hurt him. But I also know that dragging him along when I don't feel attracted to him anymore would also be disrespectful. I just want to be sure i've done everything I can to save our relationship.

[UpArrow]

Would it be accurate to say that you no longer respect his level of ambition and achievement?

That's the sense I get, and it's perfectly understandable that would alter your level of attraction to him. Regrettable, but understandable.

 

Thank you for all your advice. It really helps put things into perspective. I do feel that all the thought i'm putting into doing this right shows that I respect my husband very much and don't want to hurt him. But I also know that dragging him along when I don't feel attracted to him anymore would also be disrespectful. I just want to be sure i've done everything I can to save our relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do feel that all the thought i'm putting into doing this right shows that I respect my husband very much and don't want to hurt him.

 

I'm going to gently suggest your priority seems to be the right outcome for you. And since that doesn't include him, all the more reason end the marriage.

 

I do recognize your sensitivity to the hurt this will cause him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simoo]

I think the problem here is that u feel trapped in ur marriage with u being young and sing ur friends go out and party and flirt with guys and stuff like that, But the thing is ur thinking abt the now only, ur husband sound like an amazing guy and for me you have the grass is greener symptom here, if u decide to separate or divorce ur husband u probably will feel free for a few months but only to find yourself in a position where a lot of women are unfortunately in in loveshack wich I'd regret and trying to get him back, I'm not here to tell u how to live ur life but u should think if a fling with a hot doctor is worth all the love ur husband has for u and all what u two shared together. hope I helped a bit.

[LilyMila]

I have to disagree with most people on here. I have read some truly awful relationship here where there are no redeeming values, but I don't see your relationship to be as hopeless as people make it sounds like. You are young, ambitious, and you wonder what else is out there. Don't throw away this marriage just because there maybe greener grass else where. Maybe this is an excellent opportunity for him to set some different goals in life and grow with you. I also don't understand why marriage has to be all sparks and passion. Eventually all marriage, if you live long enough will turn into caring companionship with not that much sex as both parties grow old. Good luck and don't give up this easily.

[Fdb]

You are in medical school now, soon you will be in residency. The intensity of training, the chances to meet new people may creat distance between you two. I saw high school sweat hearts work out of doctor wife-lab tech husband, one of the attending' husband is so callled Artist, staying home to take care 4 kids......but your goal is different from his now. I think you guys are too young to struggle for marriage. If I knew what will be today, I'd left him when I got the job offer overseas ( was 27 then) not to be tangled and struggled for so many years. Will life be better without your current husband? Who knows. We have to doubt either way. Follow your heart, we all only get one life.

[kmr_8]

I have to disagree with most people on here. I have read some truly awful relationship here where there are no redeeming values, but I don't see your relationship to be as hopeless as people make it sounds like. You are young, ambitious, and you wonder what else is out there. Don't throw away this marriage just because there maybe greener grass else where. Maybe this is an excellent opportunity for him to set some different goals in life and grow with you. I also don't understand why marriage has to be all sparks and passion. Eventually all marriage, if you live long enough will turn into caring companionship with not that much sex as both parties grow old. Good luck and don't give up this easily.

 

Thank you for your perspective. I think I feel the same way; to me, this really isn't over until i've given it my all. And I am scared of that whole "grass is greener" syndrome. I don't want to be the kind of person that is always seeking for something she can't have. But at the same time, I can't stop wondering why our spark has gone so fast...

[RecentChange]

Hum, this is tough.

 

There have been times in my marriage that my respect for and attraction to my husband have faultered. Unlike you I still enjoyed sex with him regularly, but like you, differences in ambition, his disatisfaction with work etc affected my feelings twords him negatively.

 

We were also many more years in than you when this happened.

 

We were able to turn things around. It took a lot of work, and there was some drama, but in my heart of hearts, I have always known he is the one for me. I can't imagine anyone I would be as compatible with, nor that would love me as much.

 

Can you identify why you lost attraction? Has he changed at all physically or do you think it is his motivation etc?

 

As for his behavior now turning you off.... For me, I needed him to stand up and be a MAN. Not to grovel or beg, but instead he exampled that he was capable, and masculine.

 

He also changed career paths, became happier with himself etc which helped.

 

You have to do some soul searching. Grass is greener is a very real thing, but it is also true that you have your life ahead of you, and the man you met when you were a girl, may not be the one you want as a partner now that you are a women.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you for your perspective. I think I feel the same way; to me, this really isn't over until i've given it my all. And I am scared of that whole "grass is greener" syndrome. I don't want to be the kind of person that is always seeking for something she can't have. But at the same time, I can't stop wondering why our spark has gone so fast...

 

Translation - you're afraid you won't find someone that's better for you than he is. So your want to hold him as your back-up plan - perhaps even on a long-term basis - while you consider your options.

 

kmr_8, none of this takes into consideration what might be best for him. By your own account, you're not in love with him, aren't attracted to him and don't see how he fits into your future plans. He seems like a good guy, let him find someone who sees him as a keeper.

 

The good news is that frees you up to find the right person for you. There's someone out there and, trust me, you won't question your feelings when you find him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Telemachus]

I'm in the minority here, but my thinking is very similar to one of the earlier commenters on your posting.

 

Where in your marriage vows did you condition a lifetime with him on remaining attracted to him? You said it at the altar or courthouse, and he acknowledged it and vowed the same thing? I'm certain you didn't. Maybe you had a side agreement to this effect. I doubt that also.

 

This is a reason you dump a boyfriend, not a husband. It seems frivolous to me. "We have irreconcilable differences - he just doesn't turn me on anymore." You should be able to work this out without an attorney or a divorce decree. Of course you're legally free to hire an attorney, file for divorce and walk away. My first wife did it - said it just wasn't fun anymore. Maybe she did me a favor; there's no way to know for sure, but I never would have walked away like that.

 

Legally, you have the right - either of you can end it; however, what kind of person would that make you? If that's the person you want to be, go for it.