Newly married but have paid sex with another man

[Nelliestarz]

We dated for 5 years, gotten married less than 3 months ago but I already had paid sex with another man. I had been unemployed for some time, looked for a job but no luck. My new house is coming soon and renovation all would require a considerable sum of money. Plus I wanted to save up for surgery. So I recently looked for a sugar daddy, he offered 1K for 1hr, and would add up to probably about 4-8K per month.

 

I felt so horrible after sleeping with him few days back. I cried all the way when travelling to meet him, cried during our sex, and afterwards. I felt so guilty that I could die, especially when I thought about my marriage vows. I feel so depressed. Up till now, my husband and I have never really sat down to discuss our finances, part of his money was with his mom and I had asked him several times to let me know exactly how much savings he has. But it was always a vague figure - a figure I reckon he estimated without getting down to really checking his records. Previously I want thru an abortion for him - partly because I had asked him, "Are you able to support the baby?" His answer was yes but we would have to scrimp. He didn't even bother to work out how much exactly was his savings at that point or ask his mom back for his money. I do not want to raise a baby where we have to scrimp and couldn't give him/her the best, hence I chose an abortion with his support. In the end I realized he has considerable savings which is enough to raise a baby well.

 

Part of me believes that my husband makes sufficient to pull us through or even has the ability to support me financially without me working just that perhaps there would be little or no savings. He gives me a little allowance every month and would pay for our meals and occasionally takes me to shopping. But he has never verbally given me the financial security that "I will take care of you even if you do not work, don't worry." Sometimes I have the gut feelings that he minds that he has to pay for me even though he denied. I went to A&E last week, it's just a hundred dollars and he didn't offer to pay for it even though I have no income. Renovation wise - he said that we can do a simple renovation this time, few years down the road we can have another better renovation.

 

Hence I quarreled with him after sleeping with another man because I blame and resent him for it. I blamed him because he did not assure me that he has the means to provide for me or telling me exactly how much is his savings even asking him previously and considering that my abortion was partly due to that. I got mad at him because I feel he is not very generous with me even though he can afford it due to his salary and the fact I don't anyhow splurge. He knows I have no income, but he still allows me to pay some of my stuff myself even though he can easily pay for it. My thinking is that a man should provide for his wife if he can afford it, especially if his wife has no income. I am a very financially insecure person, I need to know I am well provided for.

 

I am in a dilemma whether to tell him that I have slept with another man for money because I think it is his fault that I had to resort to this. After the incident, he told me he has about 30K worth of shares. Imagine the pain I felt when I heard this. I thought "THIS IS ALL TOO LATE." Even if he does not have any shares, the thing is if I had asked him for money or anything, he would give it to me. It is just that I feel guilty from having to ask for most of the things and him not being upfront enough abt his finances until I probe. I love him with all my heart, and honestly he treats me so well that he is easily the best partner that any girl could ever wish for and I couldn't imagine trading him for anything.

 

So, should I be tell him the truth? I know he would be very heartbroken and I would hate myself for breaking his heart. Much more, we are newly married. This happened just one time. But I am feeling so much guilt and I don't know if I can still face him, plus the fact that seeing him will get me reminded of it and I will be mad at him. But this is killing me inside and I feel I needed to tell him. Not sure to face this together or I just bear this alone. The last thing I want is to break his heart. And I do not want him to lose the respect he had for me or this to affect our sexual life if he thinks I am dirty. Guys, would you want to know or rather not know? Girls' opinions are welcomed too. Please I really need some advice!!! Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Edited April 8, 2017 by Nelliestarz

[mikeylo]

We dated for 5 years, gotten married less than 3 months ago but I already had paid sex with another man. I had been unemployed for some time, looked for a job but no luck. My new house is coming soon and renovation all would require a considerable sum of money. Plus I wanted to save up for surgery. So I recently looked for a sugar daddy, he offered 1K for 1hr, and would add up to probably about 4-8K per month.

 

I felt so horrible after sleeping with him few days back. I cried all the way when travelling to meet him, cried during our sex, and afterwards. I felt so guilty that I could die, especially when I thought about my marriage vows. I feel so depressed. Up till now, my husband and I have never really sat down to discuss our finances, part of his money was with his mom and I had asked him several times to let me know exactly how much savings he has. But it was always a vague figure - a figure I reckon he estimated without getting down to really checking his records. Previously I want thru an abortion for him - partly because I had asked him, "Are you able to support the baby?" His answer was yes but we would have to scrimp. He didn't even bother to work out how much exactly was his savings at that point or ask his mom back for his money. I do not want to raise a baby where we have to scrimp and couldn't give him/her the best, hence I chose an abortion with his support. In the end I realized he has considerable savings which is enough to raise a baby well.

 

Part of me believes that my husband makes sufficient to pull us through or even has the ability to support me financially without me working just that perhaps there would be little or no savings. He gives me a little allowance every month and would pay for our meals and occasionally takes me to shopping. But he has never verbally given me the financial security that "I will take care of you even if you do not work, don't worry." Sometimes I have the gut feelings that he minds that he has to pay for me even though he denied. I went to A&E last week, it's just a hundred dollars and he didn't offer to pay for it even though I have no income. Renovation wise - he said that we can do a simple renovation this time, few years down the road we can have another better renovation.

 

Hence I quarreled with him after sleeping with another man because I blame and resent him for it. I blamed him because he did not assure me that he has the means to provide for me or telling me exactly how much is his savings even asking him previously and considering that my abortion was partly due to that. I got mad at him because I feel he is not very generous with me even though he can afford it due to his salary and the fact I don't anyhow splurge. He knows I have no income, but he still allows me to pay some of my stuff myself even though he can easily pay for it. My thinking is that a man should provide for his wife if he can afford it, especially if his wife has no income. I am a very financially insecure person, I need to know I am well provided for.

 

I am in a dilemma whether to tell him that I have slept with another man for money because I think it is his fault that I had to resort to this. After the incident, he told me he has about 30K worth of shares. Imagine the pain I felt when I heard this. I thought "THIS IS ALL TOO LATE." Even if he does not have any shares, the thing is if I had asked him for money or anything, he would give it to me. It is just that I feel guilty from having to ask for most of the things and him not being upfront enough abt his finances. I love him with all my heart, and honestly he treats me so well that he is easily the best partner that any girl could ever wish for and I couldn't imagine trading him for anything.

 

So, should I be tell him the truth? I know he would be very heartbroken and I would hate myself for breaking his heart. Much more, we are newly married. This happened just one time. But I am feeling so much guilt and I don't know if I can still face him, plus the fact that seeing him will get me reminded of it and I will be mad at him. But this is killing me inside and I feel I needed to tell him. Not sure to face this together or I just bear this alone. The last thing I want is to break his heart. And I do not want him to lose the respect he had for me or this to affect our sexual life if he thinks I am dirty. Guys, would you want to know or rather not know? Girls' opinions are welcomed too. Please I really need some advice!!! Thank you for taking the time to read this!

 

You could work based on your education level. This is something you chose to do and it's not on him. Stop blaming him for your choice.

 

Did you not discuss these key issues before getting married ? Or assumed that since you will be the wife , he will provide everything? Yes, as a husband it is his duty but what about your contribution?

 

I guess he is regretting the marriage.

[Nelliestarz]

You could work based on your education level. This is something you chose to do and it's not on him. Stop blaming him for your choice.

 

Did you not discuss these key issues before getting married ? Or assumed that since you will be the wife , he will provide everything? Yes, as a husband it is his duty but what about your contribution?

 

I guess he is regretting the marriage.

 

I didn't give up searching for a job. Yes before marriage we agree to discuss our finances but I guess that never takes place. I have very traditional family views that a man is to provide for his family and a woman is to take care of the household. I wouldn't mind to contribute a little if I have an income of cos, and I would not stop working just to be financially independent. Looking for a sugar daddy was a mistake.

[mikeylo]

I didn't give up searching for a job. Yes before marriage we agree to discuss our finances but I guess that never takes place. I have very traditional family views that a man is to provide for his family and a woman is to take care of the household. I wouldn't mind to contribute a little if I have an income of cos, and I would not stop working just to be financially independent. Looking for a sugar daddy was a mistake.

 

Things are not adding up for me ! It's so contradicting.

 

You don't look for a sugar daddy when married. You live within your means.

 

Tell your husband. He needs to know who he married.

[smi11ie]

If you need a new career then think about going back to college. You are intelligent enough to find and post here so I am sure there is something for you.

 

You are probably best to come clean about everything just to relieve yourself. If you have decided that "alternative" lifestyle was not for you then you are best to try and start with a clean slate.

[Nelliestarz]

Things are not adding up for me ! It's so contradicting.

 

You don't look for a sugar daddy when married. You live within your means.

 

Tell your husband. He needs to know who he married.

 

Sugar daddy was a mistake. It was a rash decision on my part. I want to contribute to my house renovations and pay for my surgery, not aiming to live a luxury life like other sugar babes. I wish I never have to break his heart that way. It hurts me to hurt him.

[Nelliestarz]

If you need a new career then think about going back to college. You are intelligent enough to find and post here so I am sure there is something for you.

 

You are probably best to come clean about everything just to relieve yourself. If you have decided that "alternative" lifestyle was not for you then you are best to try and start with a clean slate.

 

Thank you. I am studying at the moment. What I need is a stable job so that I do not depend on my husband for everything.

 

It will really break his heart if he knows. I feel so awful just thinking about that.

[harrybrown]

Sorry you are going thru these problems.

 

If it were me, I would want to know.

 

Of course, i would want to know everything that happened.

 

maybe he and you could go get tested to make sure you did not end up with any health problems and he could pay for that.

 

maybe if you write it out on a sheet of paper and have him read it, that might help.

 

good luck to you both. If you think this will never happen again, be sure to tell him that. You and your H do need to talk to each other.

 

too many missed communications.

[Mr. Lucky]

Plus I wanted to save up for surgery.

 

Is the surgery medically necessary or cosmetic?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

Sugar daddy was a mistake. It was a rash decision on my part. I want to contribute to my house renovations and pay for my surgery, not aiming to live a luxury life like other sugar babes. I wish I never have to break his heart that way. It hurts me to hurt him.

 

Look , there are many options but this is something you chose. You could have picked up a loan from friends , relatives,parents, kept something to pawn , etc etc.

 

If your husband had sex with a paid worker on a business trip and told you that he needed a desperate relief, and it was a mistake , a rash decision, would you just brush it off and move on like just another day ?

 

Again , things are not adding up. 5 years is a very long time to have sorted this out.

[todreaminblue]

after working as a hooker i would rather starve than go back to it.....see that's why i did it in the first place......homeless and vulnerable....i ended up dating the guy who got paid to have me work for the house....to pull me in ..to convince me to take up stripping and escort work.....i didnt know he got paid for it when i started dating him i only found out later.....even than..he didnt hold a gun to my head to pull me in....it was the thought of a warm bed and a roof over my head that held a gun to my head....i chose the warm bed..should have chosen the gun......wasnt anyones fault but my own....i was very young .....in my defense and so lost....

 

i know what it feels like to be paid for sex....dirty ...rotten feeling ...rotten from the inside out.....i still pay for my choices i made back then .its been a very very long time ....almost feels like another lifetime to me........i have never married.......i often wonder..is that what men i have been with see me as ...as an ex hooker good fro sex and nothing else...because i am always honest they deserve to know..or i might get outed anyway....when people get angry with me .....or i dont conform to what they want..... anyway so i would rather be honest and upfront.....

 

you need to tell your husband....its not fair and i think you feel that guilt even more because you arent being honest.....it must be hell on you.....

 

 

tell the truth/...he deserves to know ...you chose to do what you did....and have done...it is not his fault he has no idea how can it be his fault......you need to come clean and do right by your marriage vows you will feel so much better fi you do......even if you have consequences they will not be worse than the guilt that eats you up inside out....peace to you..deb

[Cephalopod]

Do one good, altruistic and unselfish thing once in your life. Tell your husband what you did. Hopefully he will throw you out on your ear.

 

You have traditional values? What a joke. A woman with traditional values wouldn't prostitute herself for money. A woman with traditional values would encourage her husband and do what she could to stand by her husband and help him forwards in life...not leech off him like a parasite.

 

Do yourself no the world a favor: divorce your husband and then never get married again. You have the moral fiber of a barnyard animal. You are not marriage material and never will be.

[BettyDraper]

Do one good, altruistic and unselfish thing once in your life. Tell your husband what you did. Hopefully he will throw you out on your ear.

 

You have traditional values? What a joke. A woman with traditional values wouldn't prostitute herself for money. A woman with traditional values would encourage her husband and do what she could to stand by her husband and help him forwards in life...not leech off him like a parasite.

 

Do yourself no the world a favor: divorce your husband and then never get married again. You have the moral fiber of a barnyard animal. You are not marriage material and never will be.

 

Ordinarily I would say this post is too harsh but I think the situation warrants such strong language.

Traditional women respect ourselves too much to sell our bodies...especially when we're married!

 

OP, your husband needs to be aware of what kind of woman he married. You need to be single if you want to be a sugar baby.

[stillafool]

Won't your husband's insurance pay for surgery? Go back to school and get a good job. The old days are gone and most women work these days even with kids. You have none so you should be able to get ahead faster.

[dichotomy]

Okay - I will take a different route.

 

Your husband does not sound very supportive or loving. He hides his money, you hide your debts and affair. He wont support a child with his wife when he can ? What does your husband really do for you ?

 

Pick a life. The married one or the sugar baby one. I might take heat for this - but - either life - seems to have positive and negatives to me based on what you have said so far.

 

Also I suspect (guess) your husbands culture would never allow him to remain married to you if he found out.

Edited April 9, 2017 by dichotomy

[noelle303]

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand how this even crossed your mind?

 

I understand when women are in desperate situations, but it just doesn't sound like you're in one yourself. You're married, you have a roof over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, you're perfectly fine!

 

You could've simply told your husband that renovations on the house should be postponed until you're both working and you can afford it. It's not a life and death situation.

 

I get that it's not nice to feel like you depend on someone, but it doesn't sound like your husband was ready to throw you out of cut you off, you could've been patient a little more, a job would have lined up sooner or later.

 

This is a very extreme decision by you that I personally can't seem to understand - not from a moral standpoint, but from a rational-thinking one. Yes, you should absolutely tell your husband and after that you should seek professional help to try and figure out what drove you to this and why.

[todreaminblue]

Do one good, altruistic and unselfish thing once in your life. Tell your husband what you did. Hopefully he will throw you out on your ear.

 

You have traditional values? What a joke. A woman with traditional values wouldn't prostitute herself for money. A woman with traditional values would encourage her husband and do what she could to stand by her husband and help him forwards in life...not leech off him like a parasite.

 

Do yourself no the world a favor: divorce your husband and then never get married again. You have the moral fiber of a barnyard animal. You are not marriage material and never will be.

 

i have traditional values always have...i went against eveyrthing i had ever beleived to becoem a hooker....the damage honestly...permanent.... to my psyche....and it was the worst darkest period of my life....as i said should have shot myself in the head....i woudl never have gone on though to have a family or been able to reach out to the people have and help them i guess they are grateful i didnt kill mysel.f...and i have tried......

 

 

mistakes can be rectified.....you can repent.....and be honest and truthful.....and use your history to help others not make the same decisions..

 

 

the consequences for prostitution are long lasting...as is any form of sex before and outside of marriage...the hurt that is possible....honestly...sex outside marriages...has dire consequence.......which in actual fact is just as bad...getting paid for it or sleeping with guys you meet at clubs who buy you drinks or pay for your dinner..... one night stands ...affairs.......equally wrong.....true solid righteous values is no sex before or outside of marriage ...which was actually the values i held and have now ....at one stage in my teen years before i became a hooker i wanted to be a nun and do humanitarian work.....i was a god fearing child.....as i am a god fearing woman....

 

everything can be forgiven ...doesnt mean you escape consequences of your actions and she needs to for her own self health and for sure her husbands worth to her, for his physical and mental health and his absolute right to know...to be honest is the only way she should go.......deb..

[Mr. Lucky]

the consequences for prostitution are long lasting...as is any form of sex before and outside of marriage...the hurt that is possible....honestly...sex outside marriages...has dire consequence.......which in actual fact is just as bad...getting paid for it or sleeping with guys you meet at clubs who buy you drinks or pay for your dinner..... one night stands ...affairs.......equally wrong.....true solid righteous values is no sex before or outside of marriage ...

 

Deb, I hope you're not saying that consensual sex "is just as bad" as prostitution ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cephalopod]

You would be surprised to know that I actually don't have an issue with prostitution in and of itself. Unmarried, professional prostitutes are generally honest about what they do and what they are. They may not have chosen the healthiest lifestyle, but at least they don't hide behind false morality or blame their life choices on others.

 

Nellie where you lose credibility is the fact that you really didn't need to turn to prostitution. Like a previous poster said, you had a roof over your head and your basic needs were being met. You and your husband were starting off like most young couples do....lacking extra money but in a position to work yourselves into a better lifestyle. All it would have taken would be hard work on both your parts and a commitment to each other and common goals for a future.

 

But that wasn't good enough for you. You were pissed because your husband wasn't a magic man and couldn't make the money you expected. So you took the shortcut to what you perceived would make you happy and sold your body and your soul.

 

You have betrayed your husband in the worst way and put his health at risk. You have trashed the very values you claimed to hold dear....for what? Money. Mammon. Greed.

 

Please tell him what you did and let him go.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Cephalopod

[sandylee1]

You've had some harsh words, so I'm not going to add to that.

 

It sounds like you are from a non western world culture and I can empathise with the financial situation you described.

 

Doing the sugar daddy thing isn't your natural self. If it was you would not feel any guilt and you would carry on with it. You feel bad about it.

 

You need to stop that and you need to discuss financial arrangements within the marriage with your husband.

 

Is there any way your husband would ever find out if you didn't tell him?

[todreaminblue]

Deb, I hope you're not saying that consensual sex "is just as bad" as prostitution ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

yes mr lucky..prostitution is also consensual.......wqe used to sit on the stairs of the brothel sipping our coffeee havign womens meetings between jobs...i got topics started and we would use our brains...instead of what was between our legs......and discuss this very issue...were we any worse than a woman who goes out and expects a man to buy her drinks and dinner pay forher cabs pick her up before with flowers an dchocolates and pick the most expensive dishes to go with before having sex with them....or a one night stand down at the pub...and as hookers we all came to the conclusion it is the same thing only difference is we got our money up front/...and vetoed the wait ..... and in my opinion the same spiritual death among other hookers as well we felt the same way often....like death.......... so yes i consider consensual sex outside of marriage to be the same...for me.....i am not judging others who have different beliefs ..but in a brothel ....some hookers actually do have beliefs and values they are going against to do the work they do.....many of us were young..many started from homelessness..and struggling with no parental support....many were abused as children

 

some more truth

..one of my daughters is gay and the other two have sex outside of marriage.........so un-married....they are aware of what i believe...and they are also aware of my history.....and i love them regardless...i accep tour differences.......of whether we agree or not..as they do me and actually support me whole heartedly in choosing to remain celibate till marriage......and i know ultimately my daughters want to marry the man they love.....and have children inside of marriage..for one its already too late for that.....never married one child.....and one son never married engaged two children

 

i accept you dont agree with me mr lucky from your reply above.......and i respect your voice...this is my voice....and not trying to sway you...couldnt if i tried....just explaining my view more fully......cheers.....deb

Edited April 10, 2017 by todreaminblue

[mikeylo]

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand how this even crossed your mind?

 

I understand when women are in desperate situations, but it just doesn't sound like you're in one yourself. You're married, you have a roof over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, you're perfectly fine!

 

You could've simply told your husband that renovations on the house should be postponed until you're both working and you can afford it. It's not a life and death situation.

 

I get that it's not nice to feel like you depend on someone, but it doesn't sound like your husband was ready to throw you out of cut you off, you could've been patient a little more, a job would have lined up sooner or later.

 

This is a very extreme decision by you that I personally can't seem to understand - not from a moral standpoint, but from a rational-thinking one. Yes, you should absolutely tell your husband and after that you should seek professional help to try and figure out what drove you to this and why.

 

Basically what I wanted to say all along !

[usa1ah]

Have you done this before marriage as well?

[Els]

Deb, I hope you're not saying that consensual sex "is just as bad" as prostitution ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's just as bad, if you're in a marriage/LTR. It doesn't matter whether you're getting paid to cheat or not, it's still cheating in the end (unless you have your partner's informed consent, which the OP doesn't).

 

OP, you are asking us if you should tell him??? Are you serious?!? Do you have no conscience whatsoever?

[BettyDraper]

It's just as bad, if you're in a marriage/LTR. It doesn't matter whether you're getting paid to cheat or not, it's still cheating in the end (unless you have your partner's informed consent, which the OP doesn't).

 

OP, you are asking us if you should tell him??? Are you serious?!? Do you have no conscience whatsoever?

 

It wouldn't surprise me if the OP lacked a conscience. Look at what she has already done.