My husband found out about my affair

[Angelita]

I used to post somewhat regularly a year ago. The reason I started posting was because I was having an affair with a married man. That affair has end, I haven't had any contact with the OM since. I decided not to tell my husband. But now I am in desperate need of some advice. We've slowly started to fix our marriage with the help of MC and IC (only me). The last year was really good for the both of us.

 

 

Everything seemed fine until Wednesday, somehow my husband found out about the affair. I don't know how he was able to find out. At first he was sad and now that saddens seems to have turned into anger understandably so. Since he found out he's barely spoken to me and when he does it's mostly him calling me names.To make it worse, he left Friday in the morning and hasn't come home yet. I think he's ok because he has talked to our daughter. I on the other hand, I'm completely lost, I knew something like could happen. I never thought it would feel like this. I've tried to reach out to him, but he's ghosted me. He hasn't answered any of my calls, text or anything.

 

 

I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I can understand that he’s probably shocked, angry and sad because he's realized how much of a despicable thing I am, and he had no idea for over 3 years because I have always been good. I just don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. Please, if you have any words of wisdom, I will appreciate it and please don't say you told me so. I know I'm the person that created this mess.

[Jersey born raised]

What have you done to prepare for his finding out? Have you discussed this possibility with your IC? Before anyone can advise you they need to know what foundation is already in place.

 

Adultery is a separate issue then issues (such as working 70 hours a week and choosing to spend time with friends over family) in a marriage. You wrote the marriage is better, how ? Who did what to improve it?

 

To recap please provide two answers:

 

- Anticipated reactions and responses to the adultery.

 

- Issues and current status of them.

 

Thanks

 

Be well

[harrybrown]

For your H, this is just like the affair just happened.

 

If you want to help him, think about how you would feel if he had an A.

 

 

What would you want from him?

 

One thing that might help is to write him a timeline and diary of the affair.

 

He only sees a small part and wonders what happened. He will think of wild and crazy sex. Maybe it was not as bad as he thinks or it could be worse.

 

So if you write him the timeline and the diary, he will at least have the information. Do not trickle truth him, because each time he learns something new, it starts his healing process all over again.

 

Show him that you put him first now. Do not protect your OM. start protecting your H.

 

show him how you really feel about him. But if you can't put him first right now, and need to protect yourself and the OM, then give him what you can and a nice D.

 

You could volunteer to take a polygraph for him. Your actions will mean more than your words. If you do not want him, please let him go.

 

You could pay for him to go to Affair -recovery.com.

 

Sorry for your and his pain. If you did things with the OM that you would not do for him, tell him in your letter and tell him why.

 

If you do not know why, I hope you figure this out soon.

[dichotomy]

Did your MC involve you expressing unhappiness with him ? Maybe asking him to fix some things on his side? That could make him twice as angry now that he knows of affair.

 

There is no way to know what he will do. I can say most men don't stay in marriages with a wife having a PA. I stayed after a complex EA (more than EA - long story) but our marriage has remained damaged.

Edited April 9, 2017 by dichotomy

[aileD]

Just give him his space.

 

Don't constantly text or call him.. send a text here and there (good morning, good night) and let him know you love him and when he's ready to talk you'll be there.

 

It's been over awhile for you but that means nothing to him....the pain is still raw

[Simple Logic]

I hace a suspicion your AP's wifevhas called him. There may be nothing you can do.

[Marc878]

It's totally out of your hands now but cut out the pestering contact. He needs time to think.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Marc878]

At this time your best bet is the full truth. If you get the chance.

 

Lying or trickle truthing will just make this worse.

 

An affair can end a marriage. Lying, last of trust will end it.

 

Better wake up to where you are. Also if you start blaming him for your affair it won't go over well long term.

[GoldenR]

Did you seriously put in your post that you think he's OK bc he called your daughter? Smh....

 

He's as far from ok as he can be, and the person that he loves more than anything else is the reason why.

 

I don't see why you want to act like you value your marriage, your H, you're family now that you're busted. You didn't care one bit about any of them while you were with your OM.

 

What can you do? Nothing.....it's all in his hands now. Telling him you love him will only serve to piss him off, bc he knows differently. At this point, the ball is in his court.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Angelita, sorry to see that you find your self here as a WS. Affairs and Infidelity can be killers of love and relationships as I guess you realize all too well now. The thing is what can you do to resolve and repair matters now that your affair is out in the open. I would think that if you truly want the good folk here to give you honest and fruitful advice, you will have to give people here a bit of background about the following.

 

a) What was the state of your marriage prior to your affair in as objective a manner that you can retrace it.

 

b) When did you start your affair and how did it start and progress? Was it a work place affair? How long did it last and what were the circumstances in which it was ended? Who took the initiative to end it, you or your MM? How long ago did the affair end?

 

c) During the affair what was your relationship like with your husband? Were you warm and loving towards him or were you cool/cold and distant towards him? Did you constantly find fault with him and try and put him down every occasion that you got?

 

d) Why did you think having an affair was alright? Why did you not think of divorcing your husband before looking out for romantic link ups with other men?

 

There are many other issues which I may not have addressed like for instance, was your affair physical and if so how long did the physical component last and was the sex better than what you had with your husband? These are all difficult questions to answer but answer them you must if you reach a stage where you realize just how much you may have hurt your husband and whether he will be able to recover from the devastation that you may have dealt him. Only you know your husband better than anyone here and you will be able to assess whether he can recover from this. Wish you the very best going forward. Hope it all works out for you in the end. You have a tremendous amount of work ahead of you if you want to recover your marriage and it may not work out inspire of your best efforts. Just prepare yourself mentally for every possibility. Warm wishes.

[Marc878]

 

I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I can understand that he’s probably shocked, angry and sad because he's realized how much of a despicable thing I am, and he had no idea for over 3 years because I have always been good. I just don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. Please, if you have any words of wisdom, I will appreciate it and please don't say you told me so. I know I'm the person that created this mess.

 

What was hidden and he didn't realize while you were having your affair he'll be putting the pieces together now.

 

There are always signs, red flags, etc. I suspect he's connecting the dots now.

[QuietDan]

Angelita,

I am not familiar with your past history/postings or threads.

I started to become a bit more engaged with this site over the last 6 to 9 months.

 

It might help to have a couple of additional details. Although, for the most part, you covered most of the basic details.

 

What has me a little bit confused is the one year and the three year time line numbers. With out hunting down all of your past posts, the last paragraph is just a bit confusing.

 

It sounds like you exited out of your affair about one year ago.

Now you have three primary issues to try to work through.

 

One: The original marriage problems prior to the affair.

(Sounds like you have sort of been working through some of that over this last year.)

 

Two: The Affair. (However long that lasted)

(Lot's of different issues to work through there with that.)

Mostly his problems now.)

 

Three: The Cover Up and the time passage of time since the affair

(Sounds like one year). There is a potential that there will be a whole new extra level of problems added to the mix.

 

The obvious one: The entire relationship starting from the time the affair began until now has been fundamentally built on lies, deceit, and selfishly manipulating your husband in order to get away with it. (There will be lots of discussion and ideas about this area, particularly the meaning of this last year.)

 

The less obvious, but perhaps just as much if not more problematic one is the level of difference in emotional and intellectual reaction.

He is dealing with a fresh hurt and new change in his fundamental reality.

This is old news that you have been processing for a fairly long time.

He will have a whole lot of fresh anxiety, energy, angst that he will be dealing with.

You are, by now, long since processed it, old news, possible even getting to the point of being burned out on it and needing to get a way from it by now.

Potentially, your reactions to him and his issues might end up coming across as a bit patronizing, not as genuine.

Some of the details that he will be wanting to work through, have questions about, want to review, might not be so fresh in your memory.

You might end up coming across as lying, or given to trickle truth, whether you intend to or not. As you search your fading memories to answer him, it might come across as not being forth coming or attempting to construct lies.

 

Since, presumable after a year of individual time and effort with affair recovery, your love and desire for your husband has genuinely returned,

you are at risk of experiencing a greater degree of pain and rejection when he will reject you from time to time as he works through this. You will need to probable be at a higher degree of alertness and self control not to inadvertently over react or become excessively depressed.

A newly discovered wayward, may truly have some distinct advantages in the type of emotional response required to heal and repair the marriage.

One of my greatest concerns for the waywards that put themselves in the particular situation where there is this type of time difference is the unique balance of pain, empathy, fighting through the emotional mess and working to come back together as a couple.

Actually, I think that there is a potential higher risk for depression issues to create additional marriage relationship recovery stumbling blocks in this type of situation. Hopefully you have planned ahead for this for just such an emergency.

I am also concerned that your level of patience might be tested to a greater degree. Since you have, long since found a way to move on past some of these issues, you might end up getting to the point where you are going to be frustrated that he is in fact at the very least a year behind you in this process. Where you might be ready to be more of team member, he is going to be substantially at a different point. You will need to find a way to really watch out for putting a clock on all this. I am sure, you intellectually know all of this already. But, sometimes when the situation gets real, the emotions seem to sometimes over rule the mind. You may find your self thinking one way, understanding it, knowing it, expecting it, yet, when stuff happens, you will react the wrong way. Which could also increase your self recrimination load.

Another tightrope act to work through is to have and behave with the appropriate amount of guilt and remorse.

 

I sometimes think that everyone may be a bit backwards thinking about all of this.

What the Loyal Spouse often struggles with the most, where all of the anxiety and angst that the betrayed spouse seems to be experiencing, is trying to get to the point where they truly honestly believe that the wayward can truly be a healthy whole complete spouse for them. Will the wayward really ever be able to love as they should love? Will they be able to truly recover there erotic desire for the loyal spouse? Will they ever be able to let down there guard enough to be honest and transparent? Will they be able to become mature to deal with conflict and disappointment in a honest, brave, adult fashion? To what extent did they become hooked and addicted on the wayward life style? Will they ever be able to truly break from that? Will they be able to really stay in a committed relationship when things get tough again?

So many of the questions that they struggle with and work through trying to reach a point where they are comfortable enough to take a risk on the wayward. Is the wayward too damaged to be able to rely on in the future?

And ultimately, can I live with all of this?

Will the wayward be able to live with all this?

Will they be able to work through all of this?

In some ways, your husband may see you struggle with problems that will set your recovery back. This will be something that he will need to add to the calculation. If you remain too much in control, he may interpret that as you not being able to open up, trust, become vulnerable.

Will he have to come to terms and accept that concern with you as well.

Really, in all of this,

The way to look at this might be,

How is this going to test me to react in an unanticipated negative way that will not be helpful towards recovery of the relationship and recovery.

I also recommend, work the basics in affair/marriage recovery.

A number of them have been cited. You probable already know them.

Other than that...

Be patient,

Stay hope full,

Stay positive,

Stay honest,

Hope for the best,

Be the best that you can be.

Guard your heart,

Don't let the negative voices in your head win.

Let go of the outcome

[Mr. Lucky]

he had no idea for over 3 years because I have always been good.

 

Three months is an affair. Three years is a double life, completely different thing.

 

Your H is dealing with the shock of understanding you're not at all the person he thought you were, no matter how "good" you've been. Imagine how disorienting it would be to find out one day your H was an imposter, not the man you felt you'd married.

 

Not much you can do, right now the ball is in his court. You should simply be patient...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Did you seriously put in your post that you think he's OK bc he called your daughter? Smh....

 

 

I think she meant "he's alive" when she said he's "ok".

[aliveagain]

Your best chance of keeping your marriage intact is to replace your secret life with honesty. Offer him a postnuptial agreement giving him most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Combine that with an open offer to take a polygraph now or anytime in the future, that may be enough to offset your dishonesty in his eyes. Have a lawyer prepare the offer and pay for it yourself. Your chances of surviving this as a couple in my opinion are low to none.

 

I tried to explain your exact situation to another poster suggesting her marriage had a better chance of surviving infidelity if she confessed to her husband before he discovered it on his own. There is no expiry date when it comes to infidelity, the pain starts when the affair is discovered. I hope she is still reading here on LS. Most people who have an affair don't plan on being found out and have no way to prepare themselves for the aftermath on discovery. They are totally unprepared for the emotions and pain their betrayed spouse experiences. Acknowledge his pain and that you are 100% responsible for causing it, never blame shift, own it regardless of the consequence. Deception and deceit got you into this mess and the only way out of it is honesty. No one wants a liar and a cheater as a spouse.

Edited April 9, 2017 by aliveagain

[sandylee1]

I think you have to wait and see what your husband wants to do.

 

Just reading your back story, I wouldn't be surprised if your husband wasn't previously having an affair at some point himself from his behaviour. The guys holidays, the not spending time with you, working excessive hours, and pretty much ignoring you ...

 

Anyway... Just answer his questions honestly. Trickle truth is a killer for betrayed spouses.

[GoldenR]

I just read all of your backstory...

 

While there were parts that were nauseating, like how it took your OM to make you realize you had problems in your marriage, I also suspect that your H was messing around on you. However, you have zero proof, so the ball is in his court.

 

My suggestion: volunteer to take a polygraph but only if he does as well.

[understand50]

Angelita,

 

First of all you are not in control, your husband is. It is he who will decide if he will give you a 2nd chance. You must come to terms with this. All you can do is work to make yourself worthy of a 2nd chance. I have read your other threads, and you had a long term, on and off again affair. This is going to hard to explain, as a ONS is one thing, a lapse in judgment, and long term affair take planing and much lying. Add to that, he found out, you did not confess. If you worked out, how to have the worst possible affair to injure your husband, you have done a good job.

 

Many here have given some advise, and I will add that you should point him here and let him read your threads. As they were written, in the moment of the affair, they are more honest then a timeline written now. It may give him some idea of what you were going through and how you were trying to get mack to being moral.

 

In a fundamental sense, you are not truly and fully remorseful. I do not think you know really what it is. Here is LS thread that my help you understand. It is the take of many here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs

 

Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

By not confessing, by not being honest, you have not shown or practice real remorse. Your husbands reaction is quite normal. Why are you surprised? You only chance, and it is long, is to be completely honest, and then show that you are willing to anything, sort of human degradation, to get back to a loving honest marriage.

 

I wish you luck......

[Birdies]

At this time your best bet is the full truth. If you get the chance.

 

Lying or trickle truthing will just make this worse.

 

An affair can end a marriage. Lying, last of trust will end it.

 

Better wake up to where you are. Also if you start blaming him for your affair it won't go over well long term.

 

^^^^^ This. Don't try to cover for yourself anymore, even though it's been the instinct for so long. I learned this the hard way. Be 100% forthcoming.

[Angelita]

What have you done to prepare for his finding out? Have you discussed this possibility with your IC? Before anyone can advise you they need to know what foundation is already in place.

 

Adultery is a separate issue then issues (such as working 70 hours a week and choosing to spend time with friends over family) in a marriage. You wrote the marriage is better, how ? Who did what to improve it?

 

To recap please provide two answers:

 

- Anticipated reactions and responses to the adultery.

 

- Issues and current status of them.

 

Thanks

 

Be well

 

 

I honestly believed he would never find out so I never planned for it. During IC we never went into detail about the affair. We forced more on the underlining issues of why I chose to have an affair in the first place. MC has helped greatly with the previous issue in our marriage we both worked through the issue we had. The both of us expressed the problems we had with each other. My husband felt I was a little too controlling, especially when it came to our daughter. I worked through this in both IC and MC. Most of the issues we had started when we had our daughter. I felt I was losing control of everything around and the more I felt that way the more I tried to control them. I tried to control almost everything at home, I tried to control every aspect of our home lives. Whether it was homework, having to be done at this time of the day, or the decision of which movie to watch or dinner that needed to be made with a specific type product, let’s say he brought the wrong thing I would flip out. He obviously didn’t like the way I was acting so he started working more hours and spending less time with me. He tried to avoid me as much as possible. Which lead to the problems in our marriage. We’ve both worked through those issues and we were at a great place until this happened, him finding out.

[Angelita]

Did your MC involve you expressing unhappiness with him ? Maybe asking him to fix some things on his side? That could make him twice as angry now that he knows of affair.

 

There is no way to know what he will do. I can say most men don't stay in marriages with a wife having a PA. I stayed after a complex EA (more than EA - long story) but our marriage has remained damaged.

 

Yes, MC did involve me expressing my unhappiness with way our marriage was heading. I’m scared you might be right, he might feel like I’ve manipulated into fixing problems that I created. Maybe he would be right about.

[Angelita]

Three months is an affair. Three years is a double life, completely different thing.

 

Your H is dealing with the shock of understanding you're not at all the person he thought you were, no matter how "good" you've been. Imagine how disorienting it would be to find out one day your H was an imposter, not the man you felt you'd married.

 

Not much you can do, right now the ball is in his court. You should simply be patient...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The affair wasn’t for 3 full years. It went on for a period of 2 years with some breaks in between. I don’t know if that makes I difference it probably doesn’t since I was still lying/finding the affair from him.

[mikeylo]

Yes, MC did involve me expressing my unhappiness with way our marriage was heading. I’m scared you might be right, he might feel like I’ve manipulated into fixing problems that I created. Maybe he would be right about.

 

Wow ! Of course he is going to be very angry, as in ANGRY. Shifting blame on him for your unhappiness while all the time leading a double life. He is going to have millions of thoughts running through his head and worst thing for you is , he is not going to believe a single word you say. That train has passed.

[Marc878]

I honestly believed he would never find out so I never planned for it. During IC we never went into detail about the affair. We forced more on the underlining issues of why I chose to have an affair in the first place. MC has helped greatly with the previous issue in our marriage we both worked through the issue we had. The both of us expressed the problems we had with each other. My husband felt I was a little too controlling, especially when it came to our daughter. I worked through this in both IC and MC. Most of the issues we had started when we had our daughter. I felt I was losing control of everything around and the more I felt that way the more I tried to control them. I tried to control almost everything at home, I tried to control every aspect of our home lives. Whether it was homework, having to be done at this time of the day, or the decision of which movie to watch or dinner that needed to be made with a specific type product, let’s say he brought the wrong thing I would flip out. He obviously didn’t like the way I was acting so he started working more hours and spending less time with me. He tried to avoid me as much as possible. Which lead to the problems in our marriage. We’ve both worked through those issues and we were at a great place until this happened, him finding out.

 

Projecting her affair onto him having one at this time as some have suggested would probably be a real bad idea unless he's a clueless doormat.

[WilyWill]

Boy, I disagree with the "don't pester him" advice. If my wife did this to me, I'd be expecting round-the-clock apologies and begging for forgiveness. If the apologies tapered off, I'd assume that she never really meant it, or was spending time with the other man.