My husband found out about my affair

[Angelita]

So, the majority of the marriage you have been a fairly difficult, controlling, demanding, harsh, unforgiving spouse. Throw in a long term affair which created a whole new set of issues and problems. Then after a few months of intensive counseling, your relationship with your husband starts to improve.

About 6 or 8 months now?

Out of how many years?

Since, you have been a bit easier to get along with for the last half of this year, you are hoping that your husband will be able to find it in his heart to be the forgiving loving spouse that will extend grace to you that you that you want in order to keep this marriage alive.

However, over the vast majority of the relationship, you have never really been able to demonstrate the ability to extend grace and be forgiving to him.

Do I have a proper understanding of this situation?

Did I summarize this situation correctly?

You have one thing that is really going to work for you in this situation.

This sounds like a relationship built on Co-Dependency.

With every thing you have described, I strongly suspect he is the classic nice guy. Probable too nice for what you want or need.

You have been riding him hard and he has been putting up with it.

Very... Beta...

Seeking avoidance... as a coping mechanism... very passive aggressive...

There is a good chance, the odds are very much in your favor here you will be able to manipulate him into staying in this relationship once he calms down a bit and the fear of change hits him.

The way you describe your husband, he is the type of man that will endure a tremendous amount of intellectual and emotional abuse from you.

I suspect the counsellor had to work a bit to get your husband to open up about issues and problems in the relationship. Even with that, I suspect he has with held and white washed a lot of the issues for you.

Rug sweeping during counselling and recovery might end up seriously slowing down and hampering just how effectively you two will be able to rebuild a new relationship that will be significantly better than this last one between you two.

 

However, there is always the chance that this was truly the final straw and the real "Deal Breaker" for him.

 

We've been married for 9 years. Yes, the Marriage hasn't been great for big chunk of those 9 years. I might not win the award for the greatest wife any time soon but excluding the last 3 years I have always tried to be a good wife and mother I was terrified of messing up so I tried to control everything. I thought if I was able to take care of everything on my own everything would be perfect. I would become the wife and mother I wanted to be. That obviously didn't plan out the way thought it would. The relationship as a whole hasn't been bad, it's been pretty good overall. I think my husband would agree with me. Everything really started to fall apart when we had our daughter. I think we decided to have kids a little early on, we should've waited because neither him or I was ready to raise child yet but that's the past. I'm not trying to blame our daughter for our problems but trying to paint the whole picture.

 

I found it somewhat offensive the way you describe my husband without even knowing him. You barely know anything about him except the few post that I made about him. That's not enough information for you to describe the way you have. You've made seem as if he's incapable of making his own decision. It's completely untrue, not even remotely close to the man he really is.

[aileD]

Has he come home yet?

 

I'm never going to put someone down for wanting to save their marriage. You seem to have been working hard st it recently and that's great. Peopledo have a point though that oh may my realize the magnitude an affair can have on the betrayed spouse.so keep open to that.. do some reading, affair recovery website is a great one.

 

Keep us updated

[harrybrown]

For your H, you whole marriage will now be a lie.

 

He will not know what to believe.

 

But he will certainly feel like any time even this last year is a lie, because you hid the A from him for so long.

 

Hope you do help him out by writing a timeline of the A for him.

 

3 years out of nine, is a very long time for an A.

 

Hope your family finds some peace.

 

And please help your H to heal, if he can.

[drifter777]

I found it somewhat offensive the way you describe my husband without even knowing him. You barely know anything about him except the few post that I made about him. That's not enough information for you to describe the way you have. You've made seem as if he's incapable of making his own decision. It's completely untrue, not even remotely close to the man he really is.

 

Perhaps that poster went to far in his description - I don't know. But what I do know is that you do NOT know your husband right now any better than man who has been where he is now. You do NOT know the depth of the betrayal you have perpetrated on him. This is soul-crushing for a man. You have damaged - maybe forever - his manhood and self-esteem. And the thing is that you don't believe me. You probably think that he is reacting the way you think you would react. The psyche and psychology of men and women are very different and their reaction to being cheated on is simply not the same. For nearly all men - it's the sex. That is what is killing him & will haunt him into his grave if he chooses to live with you that long. If he divorces you and keeps all contact to an absolute minimum that is focused on the children, he has a chance to recover. You see, if he doesn't have to look at you or hear your voice on a daily basis the viscous, disgusting mind-movies of you screwing OM will simply not be triggered as often. The further he gets from the last time these thoughts & visions intruded into his mind the less they will occur. When he sees you - instant trigger.

 

Be kind, be merciful and divorce the man you have destroyed.

[Angelita]

Has he come home yet?

 

I'm never going to put someone down for wanting to save their marriage. You seem to have been working hard st it recently and that's great. Peopledo have a point though that oh may my realize the magnitude an affair can have on the betrayed spouse.so keep open to that.. do some reading, affair recovery website is a great one.

 

Keep us updated

 

No, he's still hasn't come home yet. I'm hoping he'll come home later tonight or tomorrow. I don't know if that will happen since I still don't even know where he is but he did tell our daughter he would be back today or tomorrow. So I still have to wait and see

[Angelita]

For your H, you whole marriage will now be a lie.

 

He will not know what to believe.

 

But he will certainly feel like any time even this last year is a lie, because you hid the A from him for so long.

 

Hope you do help him out by writing a timeline of the A for him.

 

3 years out of nine, is a very long time for an A.

 

Hope your family finds some peace.

 

And please help your H to heal, if he can.

 

I have been reading a lot of stuff online and ordered a few books dealing with affairs and boundaries. Im trying to find the best way to help him get through this. If any of this can help him even a little then it's worth it. I've also told our MC about the everything that has happened. She wasn't to happy but we did set up an appointment for next Tuesday. I have finished writing him the letter and now trying to finish the timeline which is a little harder because I haven't been able to connect a few dates.

[QuietDan]

We've been married for 9 years. Yes, the Marriage hasn't been great for big chunk of those 9 years. I might not win the award for the greatest wife any time soon but excluding the last 3 years I have always tried to be a good wife and mother I was terrified of messing up so I tried to control everything. I thought if I was able to take care of everything on my own everything would be perfect. I would become the wife and mother I wanted to be. That obviously didn't plan out the way thought it would. The relationship as a whole hasn't been bad, it's been pretty good overall. I think my husband would agree with me. Everything really started to fall apart when we had our daughter. I think we decided to have kids a little early on, we should've waited because neither him or I was ready to raise child yet but that's the past. I'm not trying to blame our daughter for our problems but trying to paint the whole picture.

 

I found it somewhat offensive the way you describe my husband without even knowing him. You barely know anything about him except the few post that I made about him. That's not enough information for you to describe the way you have. You've made seem as if he's incapable of making his own decision. It's completely untrue, not even remotely close to the man he really is.

Your right.

I may have over reached a bit and over stated a few items.

Perhaps even worded a couple of things a bit to clumsily.

Based on your last statement, and the description of his reaction, knowing him as you do, is this probably a deal breaker for him?

This type of reaction usually goes one of two ways.

If you are given an opportunity, I hope you can make the most out of it.

[drifter777]

I have been reading a lot of stuff online and ordered a few books dealing with affairs and boundaries. Im trying to find the best way to help him get through this. If any of this can help him even a little then it's worth it. I've also told our MC about the everything that has happened. She wasn't to happy but we did set up an appointment for next Tuesday. I have finished writing him the letter and now trying to finish the timeline which is a little harder because I haven't been able to connect a few dates.

 

You really are naive about this whole mess. Nothing can prepare you for what you will likely be dealing with when you get face-to-face with him. Reading books, talking to MC, writing a timeline letter...all those things are fine. Later. For now you will do well to simply take whatever he dishes out. If you are truly remorseful you should apologize profusely and tell him you have no excuse. If you truly want to stay married then you should beg him to give you another chance. If you care about the damage you have done then tell him you know you've hurt him more than you can understand and you are willing to do anything to help him heal.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've also told our MC about the everything that has happened. She wasn't to happy but we did set up an appointment for next Tuesday.

 

Why is your MC "not to happy" and whom is she mad at?

 

Mr. Lucky

[QuietDan]

I am going to pray to the Lord to forgive me of any foolish ness that I may have put forth here that may have been or could be a stumbling block for you or your husband. Please forgive me. I have been foolish, prideful, and prone to pushing my own pain, greif, weakness, and fears onto others.

If you know of and believe in Christ and turn to him and learn about him and his message, you can find peace snd comfort and hope through him.

Through Christ, good can come out of even something like this.

I don't know of any way you can undo what you have done. But, you can still do good. There are consequences to sin.

If you are looking to read something that will help you in all of this. I highly recommend you start to read the new testament.

Please forgive me for any harm I may have done.

I am still a weak and sinful man, seeking to do better.

I will pray for the Lord to guide and comfort you and your husband through the testing that you will experience.

[BeholdtheMan]

The greatest betrayal is to withhold the truth

[road]

The greatest betrayal is to withhold the truth

 

Then there is withholding the truth for over thirty five years.

[Angelita]

Why is your MC "not to happy" and whom is she mad at?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

With me, she didn't know about the affair until i told her. Building any kind of relationship off of lies is never a good thing, it usually cause more issues then it solves. I realize that now.

[Mr. Lucky]

With me, she didn't know about the affair until i told her.

 

So you've been hauling your H to MC for the last year without telling him or the counselor about the affair?

 

Insult added to injury.

 

Building any kind of relationship off of lies is never a good thing, it usually cause more issues then it solves. I realize that now.

 

You may have come to a number of realizations way too late...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spring23]

So you've been hauling your H to MC for the last year without telling him or the counselor about the affair?

 

Insult added to injury.

 

 

 

You may have come to a number of realizations way too late...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Perhaps, or maybe she's just scared about the upcoming divorce.

 

OP I've read some of your other threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/498772-lost-hurting

 

When you wrote the above thread you should have confessed about this affair and filed for divorce. You've been dragging your feet for three years. You got married too young. It's time to move on.

[aliveagain]

I hope you have all your truths for your husband ready to tell him in some form of a timeline. One thing he will have a really hard time with is the fact you were having sex with your husband almost daily, you were also having sex with your other man. He will put this together and it will anger him greatly because risking yourself is one thing but putting him at risk is another. Do not lie to him about using protection

[Mr. Lucky]

Perhaps, or maybe she's just scared about the upcoming divorce.

 

Certainly makes sense. A WS's pain and confusion aren't any less real just because they're self-inflicted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spring23]

Certainly makes sense. A WS's pain and confusion aren't any less real just because they're self-inflicted...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Life is difficult. We don't the OP in real life. We don't know her upbringing or how the marriage dynamic worked.

 

Sure, cheating is wrong. She cheated and now she pays the consequences. But from what I've read it seems she married in her early 20's she's now in her 30's and spent some of the marriage fooling around with another man.

 

OK.

 

Marriage isn't for everyone. Maybe one day she'll be ready to marry for real. Just not now.

[oldshirt]

The best advice I (or anyone) can offer is see a divorce attorney immediately and start protecting your assets and relationship with your children.

 

You must be prepared for him to file on you or to try to kick you out of your home or for him to be so angry and resentful that you can no longer live with him.

 

Just because you see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row does not mean that you have to file for divorce at this time.

 

But you must be prepared for that possibility.

 

The more plans and planning you have in place, (ie division of property/assets, custody arrangements, a new place to live picked out etc etc) the less scary and less chaotic it will be.

 

Noone knows if your can or even should be saved. But it is not a stretch of the imagination at all to think that divorce may be a very real eventuality here.

 

Start making plans and preparations for that now and have things in place if it goes that route.

[Marc878]

If her H wasn't planning to file for D and he learns that she's contacted an attorney he probably will file then.

 

There's plenty of time to consult one later.

 

Do you really want to push him over that edge now?

[Bufo]

I'm with Oldshirt regarding seeing a lawyer. Because divorce is not beyond the realm of possibility, seeing a lawyer will give you advice on what the divorce process is and what post-divorce life will look like. You will make better decisions based on knowledge rather than on speculation.

 

Not saying you will be divorced, but being prepared is simple common sense.

[QuietDan]

With me, she didn't know about the affair until i told her. Building any kind of relationship off of lies is never a good thing, it usually cause more issues then it solves. I realize that now.

 

Sorta like going to the Emergency room for a cut to the arm, a hang nail, by the I really have this annoying rash as well. But, decided not to tell the doctor about the gunshot wound to the chest because it's a bit embarrassing how it happened.

[oldshirt]

If her H wasn't planning to file for D and he learns that she's contacted an attorney he probably will file then.

 

There's plenty of time to consult one later.

 

Do you really want to push him over that edge now?

 

In this case not preparing for divorce is like quitting your job and not preparing a retirement account because you bought a lottery ticket at Quick Trip that morning.

 

Yeah it may bump up her chances of divorce from 98% to 99%, but that doesn't make any less prudent.

 

The chances of this becoming a happy, healthy, productice and mutually beneficial marriage is negligible at best.

 

The chances of divorce are high and the chances of it being a miserable, slow-motion train wreck if they remain together is even higher.

 

She would be reckless and irresponsible to not seek legal counsel and prepare for divorce.

[oldshirt]

Look at it this way, if Mr Angelita had written in here saying he found out his wife had been having a multi-year affair while maintaining a public façade of trying to work on marital issues and going to MC and complaining about him while failing to disclose the affair to the counselor etc etc - the first thing out of people's keyboards here would be to immediately seek legal counsel and to prepare for the possibility of divorce and to protect his assets and access to his children.

 

So why should it be any different for her??

 

He has just cause to split and file on her as soon as he can the paperwork drawn up. She hasn't seen hide nor hair of him since Dday.

 

Why shouldn't she be preparing for the worst (inevitable?) as he would be counseled to do if he were the one writing in here?

 

It is in her best interest to seek legal counsel and prepare for the possibility for divorce as much as it is in his best interests as well. This is a highly volatile and unstable situation for both of them. Neither one of them can afford to standing flat-footed with their head in the sand and the rear of their behind exposed.

 

If she wants to try to reconcile, that's her prerogative and her choice and she is free to attempt it. But that is an astronomical long shot even if he were in the home trying to work on it as well. But the reality is he has headed out and hasn't turned back up yet as far as we know so there is no other logical and rational thing for her to be doing at this point other than circling her wagons and seeking legal counsel for the possibility of divorce.

[Marc878]

In this case not preparing for divorce is like quitting your job and not preparing a retirement account because you bought a lottery ticket at Quick Trip that morning.

 

Yeah it may bump up her chances of divorce from 98% to 99%, but that doesn't make any less prudent.

 

The chances of this becoming a happy, healthy, productice and mutually beneficial marriage is negligible at best.

 

The chances of divorce are high and the chances of it being a miserable, slow-motion train wreck if they remain together is even higher.

 

She would be reckless and irresponsible to not seek legal counsel and prepare for divorce.

 

If she wants to make sure there is no chance to save her marriage this would be great advice.

 

Maybe she should file for divorce herself tomorrow.

 

I don't see where this makes any sense at all under the circumstances. A wayward going to see a divorce attorney days after her BH finds out?